A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance) 
Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk. 

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong. 

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet. 

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip. 

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.” 

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues). 

The ER 

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible. 

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew. 

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in. 

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes. 

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.
 
How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.” 

Lessons Learned From Debbie 

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces. 

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”


ER rooms aren’t exactly party time
(photo by Tom Blake)

Senior Sex and Physical Attraction

Where is senior sex ranked on your list?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 18, 2024
Is Senior Sex On Your List?
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Where does Senior Sex rank on your list? 

There were many responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter regarding the senior romance and marriage of Ray and Libby Freer, who found each other 73 years after knowing each other as kids. All responses were positive, with glowing comments about how much Champs appreciated the story. 

For example, Carolyn emailed, “We all absolutely loved reading this amazing senior love story. They are an incredibly beautiful couple.” 

Surprisingly, the story also inspired some senior relationship questions. Two questions stood out. One was about senior sex/physical attraction. The other was about 12 characteristics to ponder when seeking a senior mate. 

Senior Sex 

Ray’s comments, before he met Libby, triggered the sex/physicality topic. He diplomatically stated, “It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother.” 

“It is just my impression, but the relationship becomes more emotional when a couple starts sleeping together. At some level, that implies more commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.  

“The other side of that is I am picky, so that is also frustrating. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’ 

Christine Baumgartner (Christine@theperfectcatch.com), one of our Champs and a Dating and Relationship coach said, “As Ray mentioned, sex is a ‘hot topic’ at this stage in our lives. I repeat my previous offer to discuss sex with any of our Champs should they have questions about it, they can email me.” Wow, that in itself is a ‘hot offer.’

One Champ, name withheld by request, a divorced mother of three, took a firm stance about senior sex, “I won’t have sex with a man until we are married.”
I suggested to her that most men I know—in fact, all men I know–wouldn’t be willing to wait that long. Hence, she’s likely missing out on some good men who would be terrific mates.

And what happens if a couple waits on intimacy, postponing the joys sex can bring, and then marries, only to discover they are sexually incompatible? Do they undo the wedding? Or, do they simply live unhappily in frustration?  

One guy Champ raised senior first-date questions. He said, “What’s the senior first-date etiquette? Let’s say you’ve enjoyed being with each other and both the man and the woman feel instant chemistry. Is a kiss on the lips acceptable? Or would the woman feel that was rushing the relationship?

A cheek peck is better than a handshake, but that’s lame. A good hug sends a warm signal. What’s okay on the first date?” He also added, “How long should a couple wait to be intimate? I’ve heard that some couples make love the first time they are together. That seems risky.” And one more question. “If the first-date attraction is not there, can it grow as two people get to know each other better?” 

Champ Julie, twice married, now divorced commented on the above question, “I believe attraction can grow. I can be attracted to a wide variety of looks and feelings in a person. Personality affects it. A man making me laugh changes the game completely. 

“Meeting someone for the first time can be about the place I am in my head. In the early years after my divorce, I may have been craving a crush-like fantasy but wasn’t open or available to my dates.”

Julie added that she hasn’t been out on a date lately, but she does feel attraction can grow. She’s waiting for attraction to grow, now all she needs is to meet a guy she likes with whom to grow it. 

Champ Greg emailed about a first date he had with a woman. He said that each having had a glass of wine relaxed them both and the date ended with an on-the-lips kiss. Their senior first-date attraction grew and grew. I plan to share their exciting senior love story soon. 

A few Champs asked for a copy of the List of 12 Characteristics sought in a mate that Ray referred to last week. I retrieved the list from the archives and included it below. It’s only a suggested list; your list might be different and have a different order of importance.  

Tom’s Suggested List of 12 Characteristics Women Might Seek in a Mate (and vice versa for men)
 1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect 
2. I am physically attracted to him. And he is to me 
3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable 
4. He must not smoke or take drugs 
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses 
6. He takes care of his health 
7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week
8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values 
9. He must be kind and considerate of others
10. We must agree on politics 
11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots nor closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs 
12. He must be emotionally prepared to have a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to.

If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person likely isn’t for me. 

In Memoriam

On September 27, I wrote about couples who are aging well. Included in that article was our Champ Joel who was quoted about how blessed he is to have met Wendy in 2012 and married her in 2018.

Tragically, on October 6, Wendy passed away after being hospitalized for two weeks with an unexpected recurrence of a previous illness.
Joel, of course, is devastated. We Champs send our prayers to Joel–and Wendy. Many of us have been down a similar path and understand the huge window in Joel’s heart. God Bless you, Joel.

A Senior Love Story

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – October 11, 2024
A Senior Love Story
By Columnist Tom Blake 
In August 2021, Ray Freer, 80, a widower, moved from Park City, Utah, where he had lived for 30 years, to Laguna Woods Village, a 55-plus private community of approximately 18,000 residents in Orange County, California.

He moved to Laguna Woods because he loves to play tennis. I was introduced to Ray by my friend and fraternity brother, Tom Brunkow. Tom and I met 67 years ago in 1957, as freshmen in the Beta Theta Pi fraternity at DePauw University, in Greencastle, Indiana.

Tom Brunkow is in the DePauw Athletic Hall of Fame for his tennis accomplishments. Ray has won multiple tennis tournaments and through tennis is how they met. 

Ray signed up for my eNewsletter on December 21, 2021. Emails Ray sent me over three years are included below. 

Ray’s December 21, 2021, email Ray wrote, “Went to a dance. I found it very awkward. On either side of me were a married woman and that sort of protected me. They were not on the market. Across the table were six unattached women. That intimidated me.   

“I play racket sports (Tennis, Paddle and Pickleball). There are lots of attractive women doing that, which makes it easier for me to talk to them one-on-one.  “In Laguna Woods almost everyone is friendly. I haven’t connected with a woman yet. I am sure my time will come. If lightning strikes, I will pursue it wholeheartedly. “Octogenarian (80) Ray of Hope.”

Ray’s April 11, 2022, email Ray emailed “Life here in Laguna Woods is good and getting better. There are quite a few LATs (living apart together couples) here.  

“It’s lonely. I haven’t found anyone, but all is OK. The good thing about the activities is they allow a person to meet others with similar interests before getting deeply involved. The activities provide time and opportunities to meet without commitment. 

“The demographics here in Laguna Woods suggest seven or eight women for each man. Here’s how I estimated the ratio (the numbers are approximations): The population of Laguna Woods is 18,000. Six thousand are men and 12,000 are women. Assuming 5,000 of those men are married, that takes away 5,000 from the 12,000 women. So, 7,000 available women are left with 1,000 available men. 

“Many people have significant others here. Some women, consistent with a lack of interest, just are not available. But that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.   

“It is weird being out there at 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that the only thing men want is to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Some say it’s not worth the bother. Many simply avoid the dating scene entirely.” 

Ray’s October 14, 2022, email “It is just my impression, but when a couple starts sleeping together the relationship becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment. “I enjoy senior sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment.  

“The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique but, ‘Who knows?’ 

“I have some lady friends that appeal at one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the ‘Let’s get physical’ stage a la the Olivia Newton-John record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? It’s a conundrum. 

“The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me, it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It wouldn’t be her fault if I didn’t float her boat. 

Ray’s February 10, 2023, email “I read your list of 12 characteristics in your eNewsletter. I never made a list of characteristics wanted in a mate, but it makes sense. Also, in concert with your eNewsletter, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”  

“Regarding your question about my involvement with a person here. I am involved with a gal named Libby. Her father taught me how to play tennis She checks off a lot of the boxes on the list. I keep thinking it might come to pass, but so far, no real heat. She has lived in Laguna Woods for more than 10 years. 

May 2024 In May 2024, My woman friend Debbie and I were invited to dinner at Ray’s home with the Brunkows in attendance. Ray and Libby had become a committed couple. 
Senior marriage at 83

Ray’s September 27, 2024 email “Libby and I married on June 29, 2024. We had lived together for a year and a half. She sold her condo and moved in with me. We have known each other for 74 years. When we were kids, she was a year and a half older than me. When I was in 5th grade she was in 7th, an unbridgeable age gap at the time.  

“Now at the advanced ages of me (83) and Libby (84), the age gap isn’t an issue. I refer to her as a cougar robbing the cradle.  

“I play tennis frequently. Libby walks daily and I join her three days a week. Both of us go to the gym regularly. We are healthy and that is why we married. We simply want to live those twilight years as positively as possible. 

“Your list of twelve questions to discuss to determine compatibility was very helpful. We are so boring. We were similar in answering every question. We appreciate each other and are fortunate to enjoy many of the same things. Your eNewsletter helps many seniors.” 

Tom’s comment: Wow, Ray and Libby’s story shows why single seniors should never give up hope. The coincidence of marrying someone he knew for 73 years is mind-boggling. And exciting.
Ray and Libby Freer wedding June 29, 2024

photo courtesy of Ray and Libby Freer

Sunday Morning Coming Down



Kris Kristofferson autographed photo to Tom Blake 2007
Photo courtesy of Kris Kristofferson
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2024
Sunday Morning Coming Down
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Part 1 – Sunday Morning Coming Down 

In the summer of 1975, Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash invited 17 Victoria Station Restaurant Chain executives and their wives/girlfriends to be their guests at a dual concert at the Sahara Tahoe Resort and Casino at Lake Tahoe.

I was among the 17. Our group was seated in the front row. There were approximately 1,500 people in the room. A little background information will explain Johnny’s connection to Victoria Station.

Johnny loved trains. Victoria Station restaurants were built out of boxcars and cabooses. Johnny was hired to sing the company’s radio commercials and to be our spokesperson because he identified with trains. As the Marketing Director, it was my job to get Johnny signed and later to ensure that Johnny’s experience with us was first class.

I first met Johnny and June in 1975 when I picked them up in a limo at the Coconut Grove Hotel in Miami Beach. My mission was to have them check out our company’s Miami restaurant to convince Johnny to agree to represent us.
In the limo, I heard Johnny mention to June that Kris Kristofferson had bought a toy train for their son John’s fifth birthday. 

Back to the Sahara Lake Tahoe. After the first show, during the intermission, all 17 couples were invited to go backstage. Johnny and June stood together, and I introduced each person to them. I was proud, feeling at least partially responsible for bringing the Cashes and our group together. As we left the backstage area to return to our seats, Johnny pulled me aside and asked, “Tom, what is your favorite song of mine?”

I replied, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Johnny said, “Kris Kristofferson wrote that. It’s one of my favorites too.” I smiled and said, “I know Kris wrote it.” At the start of the second show–as Johnny always did–he faced the audience and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

And then he pointed at me and said, “Hello, Tom Blake, this song is for you.” He sang, Sunday Morning Coming Down. I was overcome with gratitude.

During the next two years, I was with Johnny and June at least 25 times, usually when they appeared in a city where Victoria Station had a restaurant. We became good friends. That friendship continued for 25 more years. 

Johnny introduced me to Carl Perkins, Larry Gatlin, John Denver, Glen Campbell, Rosanne Cash, and Roger Miller. But I never met Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings, or Willie Nelson.
And when Johnny published his “Man In Black” memoir in 1975, he signed–with me standing next to him–the inside front cover of his book with these words:
Hendersonville, Tennessee, August 15, 1975 To Tom Blake, the Best to you
(See photo below)

Johnny and June both passed away in 2003. When I published my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” in 2006, I wanted Kris Kristofferson to have a copy of it, because the book describes my relationship with the Cash family, and a chapter is titled “Sunday Morning Coming Down.”

That chapter mentions Kris. I knew how much Johnny cared for him. I asked Rosanne Cash, one of Johnny’s four daughters, if she would provide me with Kris’s snail mail address, which she did, and I mailed Kris a book in 2007. Two weeks later, I was making dinner at Greta’s (my partner of 25 years) house, in San Clemente. Greta went to the mailbox and returned to the kitchen.

Greta said, “You have a package from Kris in Hawaii.” My sisters, Pam and Chris, were on holiday in Hawaii and I thought Kris was Chris my sister, who perhaps had sent me some seashells or chocolates. 

I said to Greta, “Open it.” Greta opened it and exclaimed, “Oh Wow! It’s an autographed picture signed with these words, ‘Thanks, Tom, Peace Kris Kristofferson!’” When she showed it to me, I was thrilled. (See picture that Kris sent me above). 

A couple of years later, Greta and I attended a concert at the San Manuel Casino in Riverside featuring Kris and Merle Haggard performing together. They were awesome, but I had failed to get backstage passes, so we didn’t meet him. Another time, Greta bought me a birthday present– tickets to see Kris performing solo in person at the Disney Theatre in LA. We did not have backstage passes. Again, we didn’t meet him. 

September 24, 2004

A month ago, I mentioned in this eNewsletter that I hoped to attend the unveiling of the Johnny Cash statue in the Nation’s Capitol Building on September 24, 2024. 

But only United States Senators and members of Congress were invited plus about 100 members of the Cash Family. I contacted Rosanne’s manager to see if they might have an extra ticket. He told me the Cash Family ticket allotment was already filled. I surmised that Johnny’s old pals like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson might secure a couple of those seats. Kris wasn’t there; I don’t know if Willie was. 

This past Sunday morning (coincidentally, a Sunday morning), while checking my computer, I read that Kris, at 88, had peacefully passed away at his home in Maui the day before.

Although I had never met him, I felt a big void. What an incredible person Kris Kristofferson was. A Rhodes Scholar, a graduate of Oxford University, and a professor at West Point. But his grit belonged to Nashville, where he became a janitor for five years to pursue his career of becoming one of the most prolific singers/songwriters in history. Kris followed his heart and touched mine.

Thank you, Kris, for being kind, and caring and, for writing so many classic songs, especially, “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Your signed photo hangs proudly in my office 17 years after you sent it to me.

The link to “Sunday Morning Coming Down” is below. 

Part 2 Jackson 

Since I mentioned in Part 1 about being in a limo with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash the first time I met them, I admit I was nervous. To make conversation, (and being aware of how popular their song Jackson was), I told them I was born and raised in Jackson. 

June said, “Oh, Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “No, Jackson, Michigan.” June said, “That’s nice.” (She wasn’t overly impressed but was very courteous, as always).

 A year later, Johnny said to me, “Do you think Victoria Station would consider building a restaurant named Johnny Cash’s Victoria Station in Jackson, Tennessee?” I said, “I’ll ask. It didn’t happen. We already had restaurants in Memphis and Knoxville, Tennessee. 

I mention Jackson because just last week the man Billy Edd Wheeler, who co-wrote the song Jackson in 1963–that Johnny and June made so popular–died at 91. So, bless Billy Edd Wheeler, Johhny Cash, June Carter Cash, and Kris Kristofferson for their respective contributions to Country music. 

A Link to Sunday Morning Coming Down is below:

https://youtu.be/IRU9i9egr7A
The above photo is the inside cover of Johnny’s memoir, Man In Black, signed by him to me, August 15, 1975. He signed it and then handed it to me standing next to him. We were in the House of Cash recording studio, in Hendersonville, Tenn.

Assisted Living Romance

Single, eligible man at Assisted Living Facility?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 20, 2024
Assisted Living Love
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Finding Love is Possible at Assisted Living Facilities

Lillian Phillips emailed this week, “I’ve been a Champ for years and love your column. When I was 85, I had been widowed a second time and had been living with my son for three years. I needed a hearing aid and a walker to get around–not exactly dating material!
 
“In January 2022, when I turned 86, I entered an assisted living facility in Henderson, Nevada, thinking, ‘Here is where I’ll probably die.’

“Two months later, a gentleman named Sid was invited to sit with other ladies and me in the dining room. When he walked through the dining room door, he looked confident and handsome. He had a full head of hair and didn’t use a cane or walker to get around. He was 92 and charming. I wondered, could I be Finding Love at 86.

“During many meals together, we got to know each other and grew to ‘like’ each other very much. I had a terrible crush on him but kept all these feelings to myself. As I said earlier, I didn’t feel I was dating material and many single ladies were living here with their eyes on him. I didn’t know he felt the same about me. 

“Just before Christmas 2022, we took the same elevator to our floor after dinner and there he said, ‘Don’t you know that I’m crazy about you?’ Those words were all I needed, and I knew that I loved him deeply, and expressed this to him. He told me that the one thing that captured his heart was my smile. I have much to smile about these days. I had thought that I couldn’t fall in love again.
 
“After several months we both realized that our life was more joyful together.
“This handsome ‘silver fox’ proposed marriage. We married on June 19, 2023, at the facility. Wow, marriage at Assisted Living.

“We knew the risks of marriage at our age: health, finances, family. We discussed all this and have worked it out. Whatever time each of us might have left we’ll take it together. My experience is that you are never too old to fall in love, and you can never be sure where or when love will show up. I’m

88 and Sid is 94, but our hearts are forever young. Your column inspired us.”
Tom’s response to Lillian. “Your heartfelt story is a message of hope that will encourage many older singles, especially those in an assisted living facility, to never give up. We wish you well for years to come.

eNewsletter Questions 

From time to time, I receive technical questions about the eNewsletter. By technical questions, I mean how it works and why a Champ sometimes receives two copies of the same eNewsletter in the same week.

A woman Champ recently emailed “I noticed lots of duplicate reminder emails. My email address has been messed up and I just figured out how to straighten it out. I don’t always get to your article right away. Can you turn off the reminders, so I don’t get duplicates?” She was getting duplicates because her computer wasn’t functioning properly.

I responded. “The Sunday duplicate emails are only sent if the Friday email was not opened by the Champ. By sending the duplicates, about 220 people open the resend. If I turn that off, I lose 220 or whatever the number is, from reading the eNewsletter. The system won’t allow me to turn off an individual address (but it will allow me to delete them).

“Thank you for bringing up this issue. I appreciate your years of loyalty.”

Often, when Champs stop receiving the eNewsletter, it means they have inadvertently deleted themselves. Our Constant Contact email server does not allow me to resubscribe them.

To resubscribe, Champs need to go to my “FindingLoveAfter50.com” home page and resubscribe themselves.

Or the cause may be that your server has blocked the eNewsletters. If that’s the case, you will need to fix that situation yourself (or, with the help of your grandkids).

A Week of Little Blessings

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter September 13, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

An eight-foot statue of Johnny Cash is being unveiled in the Nation’s Capitol Emancipation Hall on September 24. I thought, how cool, I’d love to be there, but I assumed it would be an exclusive “by invitation only” event. I searched online for details.

I saw a copy of the formal invitation sent to United States Senators and House Members. Even they had to RSVP to reserve a seat and indeed, it was an “invitation-only” event. I telephoned the Sargeant Of Arms spokesperson listed on the invitation and she told me there was no way I could get a seat on my own. She did mention that a limited number of seats had been set aside for Cash family members and suggested I contact them.

I’ve known Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for nearly 50 years. On a whim, I sent Danny, Rosanne’s road manager, an email request to ask Rosanne if there might be an empty seat left that I could occupy. For luck, I put on my Johhny Cash t-shirt before venturing out for the day.

Within minutes, Danny responded: “I’m sorry Tom, Rosanne has already used up her allotment.” I thought about guys like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson who are probably on Rosanne’s list so I wasn’t surprised or disappointed. However, being able to dream like that at my age is a little blessing.

My next-door neighbors, Jake and Kresta, have a son who lives in Nashville, Tennessee, and they own a home there. They visit often. A friend of mine who also owns a home in Nashville but lives in Dana Point stopped by my house that day to hopefully meet them. I introduced her to them. They compared notes and found that their homes are in the same suburb only a few blocks apart. They became friends. That was a little blessing. What a small world.

A while later, still wearing my Johnny Cash t-shirt, I stopped at Trader Joe’s. When checking out, there were two young men (age 20 or less) working the cash register together. While placing my items in a paper bag, one of the guys saw my t-shirt and said, “Do you like Johnny Cash?”

I replied, “Yes, I knew him and worked with him for two years. He was a great guy.”

The boy’s face lit up; he said excitedly, “I love Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash. The next time you come in can we take some time, and you tell me more about him?”

Here was a young man approximately 64 years younger than me and we both admire Johnny Cash. We had an immediate connection. That was a little blessing.

And speaking of Trader Joe’s, I’ve owned a black and red T.J.’s insulated bag for at least 20 years. I’ve taken it on trips overseas multiple times. It’s virtually a world traveler. It’s so versatile, lightweight, and convenient.

The day after being at Trader Joe’s, I walked to the sidewalk in front of my house. There was a new Trader Joe’s canvas tote bag, exactly like mine, on a bush near the sidewalk. It was empty except for a pink Gelson’s Market receipt that showed a name and a telephone number. I thought to myself, “I bet the owner would like to have that bag back. And if I leave it out here near the sidewalk, anybody walking by could snatch it.”

I brought the bag inside and texted the number on the receipt to explain I had found the bag. A day went by, no response. I decided to leave a voice message. Three hours later, the phone rang. It was Jack, the bag’s owner. I suggested we meet somewhere so I could give him his bag. I told him the name of my street.

He told me his. Same street. Turns out, he lives at number 5, and I live at number 15–50 yards away but around the corner. Both of us have been in the neighborhood for years. We had never met. And, now, we are friends. That was another little blessing.

This week, I stopped at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point. A woman I’ve known for 30 years named Eileen Gordon, a personal trainer who works in the same center, was there and we chatted for a few minutes.

I sell my books at the deli. A delightful employee named Apple told me a woman customer named Wendy Adam had bought one of my “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” books that I published in 2021. Wendy had left the book at the deli hoping I would sign below the picture on page 232.

The picture on page 232 is of Vern McGarry, a loyal deli customer, an accomplished skydiver, and the volunteer coach of the 2007 Dana Hills High School track and field high jumpers. Three high jumpers were also in the picture. Vern sadly passed away a few years ago.

And then Apple said with a tear in her eye, that one of the jumpers was Wendy’s son Jeff Adam. And that he had passed away unexpectedly at age 20, which is why Wendy wanted that page signed. Apple had Wendy’s phone number and called her to tell her I was at the deli signing the book.

As fate would have it, Wendy was doing personal training at Eileen’s exercise gym.

As I was about to sign under the picture, Wendy came into the deli. We had never met. I asked her about her son Jeff. She told me how Jeff had passed; it was a day after he performed in a decathlon event. She and I hugged. There were tears all around. Thanks to Apple for being so considerate and caring toward Wendy. What a little blessing that event at the deli was.

Blessings come in all sizes. I experienced them this past week.  And I am blessed.

Single seniors be assertive

Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024
Single Singles Be Assertive
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing! 

“I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone. 

“I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad. 

“He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man. 

“Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that! 

“I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since. 

“I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday.  

“I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!” 

Tom’s response to Sharon 

Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list.

And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of. 

You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often).

I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman. 

Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat.

And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive.

If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together. 

Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person.

Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor.  

And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”:

“Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone”
(song link below) 

Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her. 

Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop:

Bing Videos

Fantasy

Authentic Autographed USFL football owned by Tom
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 30, 2024
Senior Dating Fantasy and Football
By Columnist Tom Blake 
The first paragraph of my initial newspaper column read “Unfortunately, many of you have been there, are there now, or will be soon. Where? Middle-aged and dating again.”

The second paragraph was, “I won’t bore you with why my wife and I separated. The separation occurred Christmas time, 1993.”

That initial column was titled “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company” and appeared on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News and the “Laguna Niguel News in South Orange County, California.

Seeing my column that day in the two newspapers nearly floored me. Why? Six months before, when the separation happened, I wasn’t a writer, let alone a newspaper columnist. But it’s amazing what can happen to people when adversity strikes. Opportunity often arises later and when it does, people should seize it.

And now, 30 years after that first column appeared, I feel as blessed as I felt then to have my articles appear in printed newspapers and eNewsletters.
In 1994, middle-aged dating was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for it. But as Frank Sinatra sang in My Way, “…when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” I muddled through and wrote columns about the senior dating challenges I faced.

Newspaper readers, mostly singles, shared their information with me by leaving messages on the newspaper’s telephone information lines. That information enabled me to continue writing columns with fresh material.
I started writing eNewsletters 20 years ago. The topics in the newsletters and newspapers are not the same. Yes, sometimes they are similar but often totally different.

Two weeks ago, at Oggi’s Sports Brewhouse in Mission Viejo, California, a group of old buddies gathered for our annual fantasy football draft, which began 36 years ago. Our fantasy league’s name is TMFL, an acronym for Tooter’s Morning Football League. My nickname has been Tooter ever since 1988 when I opened Tutor & Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point.

In 1990, when I started the fantasy football league, the founding 12 franchises named it TMFL. And some of them still call me “Toot.” Six of the original 12 are still in our group.

Before the Internet arrived, we all drafted together in one room, usually at Tutor & Spunky’s. Now, some choose to draft online remotely, using the CBS Fantasy Sports website.

For those of us who still draft together in person, we have fun being together, although we draft online, but in the same room.

One of our league members, Jason Gross, whom I’ve known for 20+ years, asked, “Are you still writing those middle-aged dating articles?”

I said, “Yes. I’m at about 5,000 articles in 30 years, but it’s not about middle-aged dating anymore. I now call it senior dating.”

Jason said, “How do you come up with fresh material?”

I replied, “As we age, more and more people become single, be it through divorce, or the passing of a partner. Or they are single because they haven’t met ‘their’ person yet. They seek information to help them find a mate and their numbers keep growing.

“I can keep my topics fresh because of my eNewsletters. My readers are called Champs and they always send in information I can use as topics. They ask questions and share dating experiences—some are success stories and some are simply their frustrations with senior dating.

Jason Gross said, “It’s important for seniors who have been afraid to start dating again and those who may be lonely or want to make new associations, to get off the couch and socially interact with people.”

I said, “It doesn’t have to be with only single members of the opposite sex. Married friends and family members can help people ease loneliness.”

Jason and I gave each other a high-five. It was time for our football draft to begin so I accessed the pages of football research notes I had generated over the recent weeks and placed them on the table for easy access. Making sense of the online football draft was more confusing and time-consuming than senior online dating.

That discussion with Jason at the fantasy football draft made me realize that senior dating is a topic that will never grow old. Perhaps it’s time to focus on writing about it for 10 more years. The title might become, “Senior dating in our 80s.” 

Egad, when that first column was written in 1994, I had no idea how many more there would be. Had someone said “5,000,” I would have probably put the pencils and paper away and retired from journalism right then and there.

So Champs, please continue sending in your comments and questions, we need to keep the senior dating information current. And you are the reason this fantasy dating column can continue.

By the way, my first pick in the draft was Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. My fantasy is he will score at least a couple of TDs this weekend.

Dana Point Classic Car Show

Dana Point Classic Car Show – August 25, 2024

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

I often encourage seniors to get out of the house and socialize with people. On Sunday, August 25, I decided to follow my own advice. I attended the Dana Point Classic Car Show that was held on Del Prado Avenue between Golden Lantern and Blue Lantern streets. The event was free. What an amazing production.

There were approximately 300 magnificently restored classic cars and trucks. And close to 200 vendors. Thousands of people attended of all ages, including families with young children and some with their dogs on leashes. The weather was perfect, 75 and sunny.

Loudspeakers were positioned throughout the event with oldies from the 1960s to 1990s blaring. An announcer kept the crowd informed of current activities taking place.

I stopped at the booth where my friends Vince The Hat Man and his partner Julie were selling their custom-logo hats at the intersection of Del Prado and Violet Lantern. Since I’d been walking in the sun for more than an hour, they insisted I sit in the shade in one of their chairs. What a vantage point. Their booth was a popular gathering spot and meeting place for multitudes of people.

Standing in the intersection in front of the hat booth was the star of the entire car show, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t a classic car or truck, but it was a man named Ben Valencia, Jr. Ben was volunteering with the VFW handing out miniature American flags and pinwheels to children. I watched him put smiles on lots of faces.

I introduced myself saying, “I see you are wearing a Korean War Vet hat. I am a Viet Nam War Vet.”

Ben and I chatted briefly and then he surprised me when he said, “I’ve been reading your newspaper columns for years. I’m 93.”

I was amazed, a man 93 who reads my “On Life and Love after 50” eNewsletter and column. We had a laugh over that. Turns out, Ben worked for Space Transportation Systems for Rockwell International. He was a specialist and member of the Technical Staff Avionics Subsystems Engineering. In other words, he assisted with launching astronauts into space.

When the Beach Boys song “I Get Around” came on the loudspeakers, two attractive women standing at the hat booth, Michelle and Lisa, started dancing with anyone who would join in. Ben handed me his handful of flags and pinwheels to hold while he briefly danced with them. Michelle is known as Lady Hummingbird.

Later, Ben said, “My beautiful wife and I have lived in Dana Point for more than 55 years. We will be having our 69th wedding anniversary in November. She is not as mobile as she used to be, so we don’t dance much anymore. So, my dancing today was an expression of what used to be.”

While standing alongside the hat booth, I saw a familiar face in the adjacent booth. It was city council member and former Mayor, Mike Frost. We’ve been friends for several years. While we were talking, people kept stopping to greet him.  

Michelle and Lisa wanted a photo with Councilman Frost and me so Michelle handed a stranger her camera and a photo was taken.

At the end of the day, blue ribbons were handed out to winners of cars in different categories. In my opinion, every car there deserved a blue ribbon. They were gorgeous and so polished they looked brand new. The car owners were always nearby and happy to answer questions.

The Dana Point Classic Car Show is one of the fun events that make our Tri-city area a special place to live.

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”