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Time Waits For No One

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 24, 2024

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

In the early 1950s, a quartet called the Hilltoppers had a #1 hit song titled, “P.S. I Love You.” Most people who enjoyed listening to music on the radio back then recall that classic love song.

The Hilltoppers had other lesser-known songs as well. One that I enjoyed was “Time Waits For No One.”

This week, I thought about that song’s opening lyrics sung by Jimmy Sacca, the lead singer: “Time waits for no one it passes you by…” Those words made me think of my writing career and the evolution of senior dating.

I reflected on the year 1994. Life for me was good then. I owned Tutor & Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, which kept me busy seven days a week. Plus, I was married for a third time, and happy as a clam, at least that’s what I thought.

And then, an unexpected event hit me like a ton of bricks.

While I was in Northern California visiting my 81-year-old mom, I was blind-sided when my wife of six years telephoned me to announce that she and her two boys had taken what furniture and belongings they wanted and moved out of our Dana Point home.

I was shocked, humiliated, and saddened. My “happy life” had changed in an instant. That night, I started keeping a journal, trying to understand what had happened. I was 54.

Two months after my wife’s phone call, she filed for divorce. I decided to date, thinking I’d be hot stuff — lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date an older, broken man. I wrote about my divorce and futile dating attempts in the journal.

Adversity can lead to opportunity

Often, after people experience adversity, unexpected opportunities emerge. That happened to me.
I was not a writer in 1994. But six months after my wife’s move out, I became one.

Using the notes from the journal, I wrote a 72-page short story about a 54-year-old man being dumped and divorced by his wife, and his subsequent frustrating dating life.

I submitted the story to two women editors, Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn, of the Dana Point News, a printed weekly newspaper owned by The Orange County Register. Those two women gave me the chance to become a columnist.

My first article, “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company,” was published on July 7, 1994. I had no idea how long my writing gig would last. A week? A month?

For the next 16 years, I wrote senior dating columns for The Register newspapers. And then, 13 years ago, I started writing for Picket Fence Media (PFM), which owned the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch. I made appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

Last year, the Times Media Group, a newspaper syndicate in Arizona and Los Angeles, purchased (PFM.) I hoped the transfer of ownership wouldn’t end my print-newspapers writing career.

It’s been almost a year since the Times Media Group acquired PFM. I am still writing for them. I realize how blessed I am to be writing for printed newspapers. The number of columns including weekly eNewsletters written in 30 years is approximately 4,800.

I started writing these eNewsletters about 20 years ago. That time has gone by in a whiz. Time Waits for No One.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 30 years? Of course! In 1994, seniors mainly met potential mates the old-fashioned way—via networking with friends and socializing.

Now, the Internet provides online dating with opportunities and dangers. Online dating sites are filled with romance scammers. When I began writing, my topic was dating after 50. Now it’s dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—it’s challenging to meet someone compatible. And, women 60+ often remind me there aren’t enough available men.

And speaking of the 90s, our Champ, Les Jones, who is in 98, wrote this week. He said, “Please watch the annual Memorial Day Concert on PBS on May 26, Sunday evening. I’m being honored as a World War II veteran and will be on TV.”

Les can attest to how time waits for no one, he fought for our country in Europe and in the Pacific nearly 84 years ago.

The ending words in the Hilltoppers’ “Time Waits For No One” song are “…let’s take love while we may.” Those five words apply to my writing career and senior dating. Most single seniors would like to take and receive love. We don’t have time left to waste.

Link to Time Waits For No One

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert

Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
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I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face.

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for.

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care? -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.) Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent.

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems.

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona.

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away.

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby.

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors.

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine.

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area.

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted!

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though).

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months.

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away.

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time.

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer.

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change.

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly.

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place.

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

A complex senior long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 10, 2024

By Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

Champ AD, 62, lives in Minnesota. She responded to last week’s LDR (long-distance relationship) article: “My life is all about an LDR and who pays for the date.

“In 1979, Garth and I met and spent a brief month together the year we graduated from high school. He was this cute CA guy, and I was a small-town waitress farm girl, on the Minnesota-Canadian border. He hopped back on the bus headed west, and that’s where our relationship ended; no internet or phones, and life went on.

“He married twice, but neither marriage lasted more than two years.

“I got married in Vegas, after a brief work relationship, when I was 25 and stayed married for 30 years. I felt awful for living the lie of being ‘in love,’ when I never was. Had I been treated better; I may have fallen in love. My ex-husband cared for me in every possible way he knew how, but he never got to know my heart.”

Reconnecting after 40 years

AD continued: “Shortly after my divorce in 2015, I joined Facebook. Garth, who had been looking for me for years, happened upon my profile when he found a comment I had made on my ex-sister-in-law’s page.

“The craziness of this all was in January 2018, when he messaged me, but I didn’t know what messenger was and didn’t see his message.

“Long story short, I went in for major surgery in Feb. 2018, to prevent a guaranteed and hereditary cancer of my pancreas, but due to complications, my one surgery turned into three. I was given a 5% chance of living and was put in hospice with two weeks to live.

“While my daughter was at my side, and in charge of my phone for the weeks in the ICU and the months in the hospital, she found Garth’s message.

“For whatever reason, it wasn’t my time to die, and I lived and woke up to a poem Garth wrote about our summer of 1979. I never forgot him; his poem gave me the hope and strength to fight and live.

“Forty+ years had gone by, and Garth happened to find me in my darkest hour and place. He reminded me of how he would have felt had he heard from my daughter that I had passed away when he’d been looking for me a long time.

“What I have taken away from those days and nights in that hospital bed, knowing that the time was coming soon when I wouldn’t open my eyes again, was how little every possession in my life meant, and what I would do if I lived.

“I wouldn’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart, or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

A LDR began

“I met Garth in person after 40+ years apart, at a hotel in Redlands, California in June 2022. I was one nervous lady.

“I am 63 and Garth is 62. I am self-employed, and although I can work from anywhere, I have stayed close to Minnesota for my kids and family. Garth works on San Nicolas Island and doesn’t have the flexibility of working anywhere he chooses, he has no kids and a small family.”

Tom’s note: San Nicolas Island is one of the Channel Islands about 60 miles west of Los Angeles and 35 miles west of Catalina Island. It’s an uninhabited island except for a few workers at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station that is located there.

AD continued, “Garth remains in CA to care for his mother’s affairs until her passing. At that time. he plans to move to Minnesota.

“Next month we will have been in a relationship for two years. In July, I am driving to CA to be with him. I hope to spend the rest of the summer seeing how well we do on a full-time basis.

“The decision to leave my kids and grandkids, even for six weeks, is scary, but I would regret missing this opportunity. I feel it’s time.

“The most difficult challenge, for me, in any relationship at this age, is pleasing everyone. My daughters get protective and grandkids tear at my heart and it’s hard not to feel guilty about having a life. One of my biggest faults is to put too much thought into what family and friends think.

“Two years is a long time and lots of money has been spent to see each other, and we have never spent more than 2-3 weeks together in one stretch. This is money that I would prefer to spend on a vacation and fun, not just maintaining a relationship, so I feel it’s my time to decide.

“We used to see each other every month, but now it has slowly gotten to four months of not seeing each other, sometimes due to work, but mostly $$. Airfare only increases and I am growing tired of airline prices and schedules deciding my life and hurting my heart.

“Sometimes it feels like I am in a relationship with a telephone. I wish I were a hermit because an LDR might be a bit easier, but I enjoy everything life offers.

“One of my lowest moments was in January 2024. Christmas had been without Garth, and Covid for a 3rd time. This is when I found you, Tom, online and reached out to you for advice, direction, and understanding. Someday I will share this with Garth.

“A few months back, I ordered your eBook titled, Who Pays For The Date? on the draft2digital website. The cost was $2.39.

(https://draft2digital.com) Search on Tom Blake to see Tom’s 10 eBooks

“The book has had a very positive effect on my LDR relationship with my CA guy. I see sharing the cost of trips, meals, etc. through much clearer eyes now, and I would have felt awful throwing in the towel and then reading your book after the fact.

“Your book made me consider this question: ‘Why should a man, who has flown across the country, solely to see me for a few short days, be expected to pick up the tab at a fine-dining restaurant?’ When he arrived, I drove him to a nice restaurant and picked up the tab.

“At times, our relationship has been difficult. I would have thrown in the towel a dozen times if Garth hadn’t fought so hard for us to stay together. We have finally reached the point of splitting airfares, if necessary, since he travels here far more, or I pick up the tab often when he comes this way.

“I’ve never been one to take the easy path, and I have always followed my heart. I’m not saying I would tackle a LDR again, but it’s too late now. I’m in it, and what a gift ‘time’ is, as it is slowly bringing me more understanding and patience with the weeks and months between our seeing each other.

“All we have is ourselves to blame if we leave this world with only regrets vs memories in the making. I won’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

“Garth and I have spent a lifetime apart, but the chemistry is still there, which is so hard to find after age 60.”

Tom’s Take

-AD’s LDR is as complex as any that I’ve heard about

-I’m pleased AD is taking a couple of months to be with Garth in California to see how they do on a full-time basis

-They need that time to communicate and to get to know each other

-Having met and been attracted to each other in 1979 is part of the glue that keeps them together, during a difficult two-year period

-Relocation seems not to be a factor (as it was with the Golden Bachelor couple). Garth will be moving to Minnesota. Hence, AD can share love and be near her family

-AD is following her heart, after having been so close to death. Love matters to her, but not so much the little things, as she refers to them

-Garth loves her, which he has proven to her time and time again

-I am pleased that my simple eBook, Who Pays For The Date? helped her. It costs $2.39. I have 10 eBooks on that book site https://draft2digital.com (At the site, search on my name or the book’s title)

-AD’s story is an example of the complexity and depths of the lives of our Champs.

Everybody has a story. I’d like to hear more of them.

Catfishing Becomes More Dangerous

Columnist Tom Blake

April 12, 2024

Note from Tom: The photo above is not of a catfisher. It’s of Alex, my friend of 40 years and he’s happily married.

Any senior who has tried online dating has likely experienced catfishing. It occurs when a person creates a fake identity or online persona to deceive online daters into romantic relationships, ultimately scamming their money.

These catfishers use fake and stolen photos taken from social media platforms and online dating profiles. They often use AI (Artificial Intelligence) to perfect their deceitful information.

With their fake profiles in hand, they troll online dating websites looking for vulnerable seniors (new widows, for example) and use the fake identity to win over a lonely person’s heart and confidence by lying and saying they are someone they aren’t.

Note from Tom: Catfishers and Scammers troll online websites besides dating websites. They troll sites such as LinkedIn and WhatsApp, which are not classified as online dating sites.

They often claim to be overseas working on an oil rig in a foreign location.

Slowly, over time, they attempt to win the lonely person over and convince them they will return to the USA to be with them soon.

Most of us have heard sad stories of lonely and vulnerable seniors, mostly, but not always, women, losing thousands of dollars—even their life savings–to these online scammers.

Last week I received an email with this subject line: “AI Dating profile generator” spikes catfishing concerns. The article stated that AI (Artificial Intelligence) has made catfishing even more deceitful with the release of Sora, a new AI program. Sora AI can create videos that look and feel natural, all from a simple text prompt or image.

The email stated: “We encourage online daters to be extra careful to validate who they are dating and who they think they are dating. Also, this comment: …Voices and faces of people you know can be impeccably faked as an effort to steal your money or identity.”

Champs, if you search on “Relationship Expert Steve Phillips-Waller from A Conscious Rethink” website, you’ll find tips and information on protecting yourself from AI romance scams.

I asked Orange County dating and relationship coach Christine Baumgartner about catfishing, and she strongly recommends that before having a first date, the person should request a video call.

Christine says, “Most catfishing scammers will refuse a video call and make some excuse not to participate in a video call. Google Voice and Google Video can be used as well as the Facetime button on your cell phone.”

She also advises not to text-message strangers.

To contact Christine: www.Theperfectcatch.com or email Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

The April 2024 AARP Bulletin magazine cover states “Older Americans Are Under Siege from Scammers.” Nearly the entire issue is dedicated to combatting fraud. That’s good reading for seniors to educate themselves on fighting fraud.

Trust your instincts and be careful before communicating with a stranger. Don’t answer your phone if you don’t recognize the caller. Request that video chat so you can see the person who claims to be interested in you.

Part 2 – Upcoming Fun Day in Dana Point

For Champs living in Southern California, who would like to get some exercise and meet new friends, at no cost, the World Tai Chi & Qigong Day is scheduled for Dana Point on Saturday, April 27, at 9:30 a.m., on the grass area in front of Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor.

You do not need to be a tai chi expert. Even beginners can start to learn tai chi. And you’ll make new friends.

Champ Ron, a tai chi instructor in Dana Point, reminded me of this free event open to the public. I attended last year. It was most enjoyable, and I met many new people. I plan to go there this year as well.

There will also be Hawaiian and rock music, Hula Performances, and a potluck lunch.

If you attend, say hello to Ron and mention that you are a Champ.

For more information, contact Ron Cohan at Zia3@cox.net.

That’s it for this week’s eNewsletter Champs.

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 23, 2024

By Columnist Thomas P Blake

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

Fifteen years ago, a woman named Kathy attended a senior singles gathering at Tutor & Spunky’s, my Dana Point Deli. Her 42-year marriage had ended. She now lives on the East Coast, near her children. A while back, she wrote to tell me she had remarried, but was widowed just two years later.

Last week, Kathy emailed, “This past September I was called on two different Wednesdays to volunteer by answering the phones at my church office. At the end of each day, I went to supper where my church provides meals for those getting off work and others who are at church attending classes being offered.

“On both Wednesdays, I sat at the same table with friends from my Sunday School class. Each time the only chair available was next to John. On the second Wednesday, John shared how he would like me to be his friend. We even shook hands on it.

“Since then, our times together have involved eating out and going to activities or movies. We laugh a lot and he’s full of stories of his cowboy-roping days and places he lived growing up and helping his dad on oil riggs. All his stories have been interesting.

“I’ve enjoyed our friendship but have drawn back when he expressed that he really liked me. I’ve reminded him that we are just friends. Based on my history, I’m a bit vulnerable and protective of getting too involved in a relationship.

“His age (80) and his health are drawbacks to me.

“When I mentioned his age to my cousin, she, aware that I am 76, said with a smirk, ‘And how old are you? A four-year age difference is no big deal.’

“John’s a diabetic and he’s told me he has bone cancer. I’m finding that my suggestions on health have helped him in keeping his blood sugar down. He is open to my ideas and went to a good health store and is taking a protein drink, etc.

“This week he said that when he passes away, he wants me to have all his assets—including his house, car, and bank accounts. He went to a financial person to put it into action.

“He also stated if I would marry him, it would be simple as my name would be on all his things.

“You know me a little bit, Tom, and I’m not one to go jump on this and take advantage. I am praying for answers and looking also to my children who like John and want me to be happy.

“He wants to take a train trip out West. Time will tell.

“Your thoughts, Tom?”

Tom’s response to Kathy

“Kathy, the big lesson in your story, is that your meeting John shows when older singles get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities (like senior volunteering) they enjoy, they improve their chances of meeting a potential mate.

“John sounds like a gentleman. He obviously cares a lot about you. You state that his age and health are holding you back. Aware of your past, I understand why you are hesitant.

“However, your cousin is right. Don’t let a four-year age difference stop you.

“Plus, when you meet someone with whom you are compatible–including attending the same church and sharing similar religious beliefs–consider yourself blessed.

“John’s health is an understandable concern. Diabetes can be controlled through a proper diet, medications, and lifestyle.

Bone cancer is of course a worry. Still, he could outlive you. It sounds like you’ve already helped him deal with his health issues, which he appreciates. Love each other now. Take that train trip out west.

“Regarding his estate. Does he have any children or other beneficiaries? He loves you and wants you to have his assets. What an incredible gesture. If he leaves you more than you need, you can pass that on to loved ones and the church you two share.

“Senior Marriage? Well, that’s up to you and John. He can still leave you his assets without tying the knot. Many seniors don’t want to marry again.”

Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?

A woman Champ from the Midwest emailed and asked to remain anonymous so I will call her Dawn. She raised a question that’s been around for the 30 years I’ve written about senior dating: Who pays for the date?

And if a relationship develops, how do couples deal with expenses? Who pays for what?

Dawn is involved in a long-distance relationship. Her manfriend lives approximately 2,000 miles away. Long-distance relationships usually have added expenses, mainly the cost of travel to see each other, which Dawn alludes to.

Her email subject line read: “Dating over 60 and many miles apart…”

And then she continued, “I know there are many variables to consider, but given two average-income people, how much is a woman expected to pay?

“Airfare, dinners, hotels, outings, vacations…Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?

“If the man pays for the flight to come visit, is it fair to say the woman pays for the meals and any fun events planned while visiting if they are all initiated by the woman?

“Or if I am the one traveling west, and during my stay I want to eat out at a restaurant out of my norm…because I initiated it, should I be paying for it there?

“There is still a lot to be said for men who are complete gentlemen; opening all doors, standing up at the table when the woman stands up, helping and carrying her coat., etc. These are all so perfectly done for me, always, and I am just trying to understand the money part.

“My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.

“I understand they come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.

“They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.

“Have times changed?

“I don’t want to be a fool in love; I just want to feel supported while in love.”

Tom’s Comments

Who Pays For The Date? has been a controversial topic for years. In my 30-years of writing about senior dating, I’ve written about it several times and I published an eBook in 2009 titled “Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?” Details about the availability of that book are at the end of today’s column.

Back to Dawn’s email. Some of our men Champs may take offense to a few of the sentences.

For example, this one: “Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?”

The question infers that men who are well off should pay for everything. Love and relationships are about sharing. Not about a man paying for everything if he is well off.

And it’s important to note that women who are well off shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because they can.

Three more sentences that could be offensive to men

And then there were three other sentences that some men might find offensive.

1 “My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.”

2 “I understand they (her older women friends) come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.”

3 “They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.”

Regarding sentence #1, some men might suggest she should stop listening to her older female friends who are out of touch with the reality of modern times senior dating. Women pay nothing?

Regarding sentence #2, that her friends who have that attitude come from an era 25-40 years ago, that they can’t relate to dating in their 60s.

Let me tell you how quickly attitudes can change when people from that era suddenly lose their loved one. I speak from experience. I never dreamed that I’d have to relate to dating at my age. I was three years older than Greta and assumed I would pass before her. And suddenly, she was gone. I had to relate to dating in my 80s and no, I wasn’t about to pay for everything.

However, if I initiated the first date, I would pay for everything. Even if I didn’t initiate it. And probably the first few dates.

Regarding sentence #3, if those women lost their husbands, they would never go down the dating path again. Let me tell those women, that after sitting home night after night and being lonely, they might change their tune. Maybe they would go down the dating path again. Of course, if they did, they would have to change their thinking and not be so anti-men.

So, what about senior singles who find a new mate? Who pays what? How is that decided? Through open and honest communication, love for each other, and fairness considered, each couple will develop their guidelines for sharing expenses. A person who is more well off than their partner, and who can do it financially, will often help the partner they care about with the partner’s finances.

However, one thing is certain, neither person will likely pay 100 percent of the expenses.

Will there be occasions when the men will pay more? Of course. And where a woman will pay more. Yes.

My eBook, “Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?” is available on www.Smashwords.com. Just type in my name in the search box and all the eBooks that I’ve published will appear. The cost for the Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date is $2.39. It can be read online or downloaded to your device.

Smashwords was recently acquired by Draft2digital.com so you may have to go draft2digital.com to purchase the book. Here are the links to both sites.

www.smashwords.com

www.draft2digital.com

Gummies vs. Alcohol

NL #3 JAN 19, 2024,

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

From This Week’s Mailbag:

Darla messaged me on Google: “Subject: long-distance dating. I was fortunate to find your Finding Love After 50 website while I was looking for some much-needed advice on long-distance dating. I would love to be educated on what should feel good and what doesn’t.

“My love story has brought many new questions about what I’m used to in the world of dating. I question if it’s the different states he and I live in or the lifestyles we have lived. Can these things change a man and a woman that much over the years?

“Please tell me if I need to say more. I’m a Minnesota woman dating a California guy I met in a Minnesota small-town café while waitressing in the summer of 1979. Sadly, back then we said our goodbyes. Forty years later he finds me.

“Old chemistry remains, but we are two very different people now. I’m hoping my questions are the same as many other single people out there have who are trying to make a relationship work.

Tom’s comment: Sometimes I receive comments from readers on Messenger. I always respond and provide the person with my email address, which I did with Darla. I told her I needed more information to give her a helpful answer.

And as often happens on Messenger, I get no response. This happened with Darla. A long-distance relationship between Minnesota and California must be difficult. How often would people see each other? Who would be willing to move? After 45 years of not seeing each other, does the “old chemistry” really remain? We may never know.

Francine emailed, “I’m still on the dating sites. One guy wanted to meet me but gave me a difficult time in arranging it. Then he said let’s talk on the phone. Okay, I said, how about Tuesday at 6 p.m?

“He said, “Would you text me at 5 p.m. to remind me?” Ha, that’s a red flag.

“I vaguely thought I knew him from the past. It nagged at me, so I got up at 1 a.m. and looked at my phone contacts with his name and number and sure enough I did know him from a few years ago. I remembered why I never met him in person. He was a pain in the rear … lazy guy. I wrote to him and said, ‘I told you from the beginning I thought I knew you.’ I’m hardly every wrong!”

Army chimed in, “From a never-been-married man, who has been told that I’m a nice guy but … then the women move back to dating guys who cheat on them or are verbally, physically, or both, abusive to them. Then, they wonder why they always get the losers?

“I say, ‘Stop and think, these are the people you chose. You don’t think about the nice guys you left.

“I forget the percentage of people who have never been married, but the last time I looked, I thought it was surprisingly high.”

Gummies vs. Alcohol

A woman Champ who requested to remain anonymous,wrote: “I still work, so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while I am making dinner. If I do go out, I will have two or three glasses of wine. If more than two, I won’t drive.

“I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live about 30 miles apart, So, when he sees me and comes over, I usually have some wine open. I never drink to get drunk or stupid silly, it’s just for enjoyment and a reward from working hard all week, taking care of the home, paying bills, doing chores, etc.

“It helps take the ‘edge’ off. He would rather that I don’t drink at all as he does not. (There was a time he drank too much, stopped about 15 years ago, cold turkey, never went to an AA meeting in his life). Just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and do cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and together we have a great time when doing them. We dance, we laugh, tell silly stories, etc.

“The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would rather me stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for you than alcohol. So, we argue about that: Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do your champs think about that?

“Do relationships work when one drinks (socially) and the other does not drink at all?

He and I will probably never move in together; he likes his home, I like mine and sometimes I think if we did live with one another, that might cause problems for us, so I guess we will continue to be together and live apart.

Tom’s comment. I’ve never written on your topic. It will be interesting to hear what Champs say. I will add this: Do not drive even after one glass of wine, and certainly not after two glasses or more. Not only do you endanger yourself and other people, but a DUI in California will cost approximately $20,000. Your driver’s license will be suspending, you will have to attend six months of school, and an interlock device and breath analyzer will be installed on your car. Simply not worth it.

I hope Champs respond to this woman’s question.

Single woman Champ in Dana Point is still seeking a roommate

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that two women Champs were seeking roommates in South Orange County, California. One of the women, from Dana Point, is still looking. I saw her last week; she mentioned she’s still hoping to find a nice woman roommate, but doesn’t want a person who works from home. She is a delightful woman and has a very nice home.

If interested, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your information to her.

Responses to Multiple Marriages

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 12, 2024
Responses to Multiple Marriages Column last week
By Columnist Tom Blake

Multiple Marriages in Later Life?
(photo by Tom Blake)

Responses to last week’s Multiple Marriages

In reviewing the responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter, “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?”, I came upon an article on the UPI News website that surprised me. Before sharing that with you, here are nine responses to last week’s eNewsletter.

Eileen emailed, “My wonderful late husband, who was my second, had been married twice before, making me number three. We had 26 great years together and I always say, ‘I’m the one who made him happy.’”

Deanne: “I think there can be too many marriages. Sometimes we have bad luck and not much experience and that could count for (#1). Death could count for (#2). I married a murderer could count for (#3). I don’t know what others think but five or more do not motivate me.

“One of my meetup dates asked me why I answered his messages when he had been married three times already. I told him I was rolling the dice and didn’t have much to lose. He had no sense of humor, and I had my answer to the three previous marriages. Only one date and I paid for my meal.”

Laurie Jo: “Marriage is a serious commitment. I chose to divorce after 29 years. I will never marry again because I don’t want to ever go through divorce again. It was horrible. “If somebody had married twice, I’d be ok with it.

Anything over that? No. Marriage is an agreement and even as I’ve reached my senior years if somebody has been married over two times I am out. It means the person has no sense of commitment, or it means that person was a bad “picker.”

Sandy, “There is no need to be scared off by the number – until you investigate the circumstances. Caveat: Eight would still cause me to take a breath.”

Bruce, “Any number over three would be a red flag for me unless they had all passed away somehow.”

Chris (woman) “While I’ve been dating for a few months, I’ve met two gentlemen who have never been married and have no children. As a woman who was married once for 25 years, I find this curious. “Both men said they had relationships, but they never developed into marriage. What do you think of this kind of man? I’m not interested in marriage again, but it makes me think they aren’t capable of a commitment either.”

Linda, “I think the number of marriages or serious relationships can matter because if you have been married seven times, these have not been long relationships. It hints that a person may be difficult to get along with.”

Carol, “I would be concerned after three times, my personal number. It’s funny that it doesn’t seem to matter how many companions a person has had, but the legal partner? Then it comes down to personal judgment.

“To me at this magical age, I’d be more concerned If I met a man who could put his entire life into a black trash bag, eager to move in with me, that would trigger every red flag bell and whistle. There are people out there ready at a moment’s notice who bring their toothbrush on the first date!

“That’s fine when you are young–first starting out in life–but if you look the exact same at this end as you did in the beginning, learning that you have done nothing with your life, and you live from one social security check to the next, I might enjoy a conversation, but certainly nothing more.”

Claire, “This subject made me think of my 2nd marriage to Larry. My first marriage lasted 22 years. Larry had been married 4 times when I met him.

“After three years together, we married against my better judgement, I was crazy in love with him but I had seen the red flags about his not being a good bet for the ‘long haul.’

“I was his fourth wife, fifth marriage…he married the second wife twice. Larry came into my life at a time when my teenage son was giving me a lot of problems. He stepped up to meet the challenge and my children in turn loved him!

“After 7 years together though, I caught him with another woman and his affair ended things. We had seven beautiful years together and I do not regret them – just the last six months that I knew something was wrong. He passed away in 2017. He was the love of my life!

“So, my theory on this was that Larry was sent to me at the right time of my life for a reason…for a season BUT not forever. It ended badly but I am always grateful for the years he loved both me and my children. I have never loved another man like I loved Larry and probably never will.”

Senior men, be careful dating women in foreign countries

In reviewing the above responses from Champs, I came upon an article on MSN.com, a UPI News article regarding marriage in South Korea. It was titled, “South Korea’s gender imbalance is bad news for men – outnumbering women, many face bleak marriage prospects,” written by Dudley L. Poston Jr., a Professor of Sociology, at Texas A&M University. It sounded like the opposite situation of what single senior 70-plus women face in the USA, a ratio of between four to seven to one single women to single men.

Poston wrote, “South Korea’s bachelor time bomb is about to really go off. Following a historic 30-year-long imbalance in the male-to-female sex ratio at birth, young men far outnumber young women in the country. As a result, some 700,000 to 800,000 ‘extra’ South Korean boys born in the mid-1980s may not be able to find South Korean girls to marry.”

Poston added, “…similar trends are playing out in China, Taiwan, and India.” In our December 15 eNewsletter, Brutus Buckeye, a male Champ we featured, stated that he had little success finding an American woman to date. Brutus concluded his comments with, “And this is a joke, don’t take it seriously, but I may have to go overseas for a nice foreign lady!”

Here’s my comment on Brutus’s last sentence: We have three men Champs, each of whom I know personally, who did what Brutus jokingly stated. They went overseas and married women from foreign countries. All three of the women ended up divorcing those men and made the men’s lives miserable, so you senior single men who might be pondering that strategy, rethink it.

There is a shortage of single women in South Korea, Taiwan, and India. Probably, in other countries as well.

However, there are plenty of fine single, senior women in the USA and Canada, and within our Champs’ group, who would make ideal mates. Why not try a little harder to meet one?

Senior Man Might Give Up Dating

Brutus Buckeye — On Life and Love **After 50 eNewsletter**

Senior Man’s Dating Concerns

When I receive an email from a Champ that begins with words like these, “Please don’t use my name because what I am writing today might upset some women,” it gets my attention. I go on high alert and read it very carefully. If I feel it might be helpful for Champs–that it’s worthy of becoming the basis for an eNewsletter–I put on my writer’s cap and edit it for clarity and grammar.

Approximately 75-80 percent of our Champs (eNewsletter subscribers) are women. Believe me, I don’t want to irritate them or rattle their cages with what well-meaning men (or women) have to say. Such is the case with today’s edition. It was written by a male Champ in the Midwest.

Those words remind me of these lyrics from a very famous love-gone-wrong song from the 1970s: “Where are you calling from? A booth in the Midwest.” Where was he writing from? A Home in The Midwest.

I’ll let you guess which song and I will identify it and provide a link to it at the end of today’s edition. In the email, he stated, “I feel the content might be a common senior dating problem for some older guys.”

I thought about that and felt perhaps I could help him with his senior dating problem. Since the man is from Ohio, I will call him Brutus, which is the name of the Ohio State Buckeyes’ sports mascot. Let me say this upfront, he and I poke fun at each other, and have for years, because he’s a huge Ohio State football fan and I’m a huge University of Michigan football fan.

Brutus emailed, “I have come to the realization that I may never find a new mate given my circumstances. “I am 75/decent looking/financially secure, etc., etc. And a graduate of The Ohio State University.

Tom’s first comment: “What does etc., etc., mean? Women are going to want more details than just etc., etc.

Brutus responded, “I own a very large, beautiful log cabin and cottage in northern Michigan, a bit south of the Mackinaw Bridge. One would think that would be rather appealing to senior women. “I am seeking a woman between the ages of 64 and 74. Attractive. Educated (but not a University of Michigan graduate), liberal (certainly not a Trumper), and so on.

Tom’s second comment: “What does ‘and so on’ mean? What are some of the other criteria he’s looking for?

Brutus said, “However, what I’m finding is that if women do come close to that criterion, they are already pretty set in their lives—financially, nice home/friends, etc. They have no desire to sell their home and move in with me.

Tom’s third comment: “Wait, Brutus, move in with you? Before that move-in discussion even comes up in a senior relationship, might it be a good idea for a couple to date each other for at least six months or more, like a year?

Brutus went on, “I am not willing to sell the home I built because it has become the annual Thanksgiving and Christmas gathering place for my family as I am the oldest and consider myself now the patriarch of the family.

“I am starting to believe I will have to alter my search criteria to women who aren’t so set in their lives, who might be more flexible and available and maybe even a University of Michigan graduate who may be desiring of someone like me (lol).

Tom’s fourth comment: “Watch out Brutus, some UM women might throw spoiled fruit at you when you are prancing around the football field at The Big House (Michigan stadium, seating capacity 111,000). I can only imagine the responses we’ll receive from women Champs regarding some women who aren’t as set in their ways.

Brutus prodded on, “But this is what I am running into in my limited search area (I have reduced it to 20 miles around Lima, Ohio) and even that sounds far to me now.

“I don’t want to spend an hour or so on the road to date anymore. I also do not want to have extended dating times anymore either (months on end before a decision is made to cohabitate together).

“I will never get married again after my last marriage failed, which has cost me dearly. “A LAT relationship is probably a possibility however I prefer to have someone beside me every night and available to do things together at any time.

“And someone who can travel, and who could assist me with my coin shop (my fun, side, business). Brutus concluded, “I’m not sure how to resolve this. I’m still on two dating sites (Match.com and Zoosk) but they have not proven very beneficial. The most interesting ladies are too far away–who fall into the above criteria I outlined. And this is a joke, don’t take it seriously, but I may have to go overseas for a nice foreign lady!”

Tom’s fifth comment(s) “I’m almost at a loss for words. I briefly mentioned Brutus’ email to my sister, Christine, and she said, “He needs to go to church (to meet an interested woman who lives within his search radius).” I checked the population of Lima, Ohio, and it’s around 35,000 people. The number of available single women in his age range is likely limited. And then toss in his criteria—age 64 to 74, attractive, liberal but not a UM grad, living within 20 miles and politically the same—and I’m guessing there are even fewer women nearby who might be interested in a match.

Brutus stated that a LAT relationship might be possible. But, how far away? And a senior woman who might enjoy helping him out in his coin shop. Well, maybe. And what about that cabin in Northern Michigan? Might there be some nice women within 50 miles or so up there? Yup, but if they attended the University of Michigan, they are probably not his cup of tea.

And then, Brutus would have to find one of those who would accept an Ohio State Buckeye. In the state of Michigan, that would be a bit harder to find. Is that too far-fetched, knowing the rivalry between the two schools?

From my personal experience, that rivalry can exist under the same roof. My Dad was a Buckeye, and my Mom cheered for UM. Sister Christine was a Michigan State Spartan and I have an MBA from UM. My other sister, Pam, rooted for UM football as well.

Things got a little quiet and uncomfortable at our home during football season, but we’d always reconcile after the bowl games in January, and we loved each other.

So, Brutus, good luck with your dilemma. I think increasing your efforts with expanded online dating is a necessary evil for you, as you are somewhat GU. (geographically unavailable). And thanks for providing us with some entertaining thoughts and insights into how men think about senior dating.

I’m sure our Champs will chime in with some interesting observations on what you wrote. Brutus is a good man. If there is a woman Champ who might enjoy talking with Brutus, email me and I’ll forward your email to him. I’d recommend including a phone number.

And what song from today’s story did Tom have in mind? “Diamonds and Rust,” by Joan Baez. It was about her love affair with Bob Dylan. Classic lyric: “Where are you calling from? A booth in the Midwest?” Who knows? It might have been from Ohio. Here’s the link (more than 11 million views)

Link to Diamonds and Rust:

Link to Diamonds and Rust

https://www.google.com/search?q=diamonds+and+rust+by+joan+baez&rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS967US967&oq=Diamonds+and+Rust+by&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUqCggAEAAY4wIYgAQyCggAEAAY4wIYgAQyBwgBEC4YgAQyBwgCEC4YgAQyBggDEEUYOTIICAQQABgWGB4yCAgFEAAYFhgeMggIBhAAGBYYHjIICAcQABgWGB4yCAgIEAAYFhgeMggICRAAGBYYHqgCALACAA&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:be6173ba,vid:IrVD0bP_ybg,st:0

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”