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A Remarkable Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 27, 2026
By Columnist Tom Blake

A Remarkable Woman Champ

I’ve often stated that Champs amaze me. This week’s Champ story adds to that feeling. Here’s why.

An email arrived in my inbox a week ago on Wednesday, March 18, 2026. The woman requested I not use her true name, so, I will call her Molly. It read, “Thank you, Tom, for honoring a promise you made to me. If you think it might lighten Jack’s burden, please do let him read my post.” (I didn’t recall that I had made a promise to Molly almost three years ago).

Molly continued, “At present, I’ve gotten older (96 years old), and lost all family and most friends. It’s a very lonely life. I’ve moved to a lovely condo by the beach. Trying to make some more friends. “Tell Jack there are many more women out there, better, more caring, and lonely too.

“Jack should have learned a lot by now about how to protect himself against money-hungry women. There are also money-hungry men. I would never ask anyone to sign anything.

“Before my fiancé passed, he wanted to leave all of his estate to me. I refused it. I didn’t want it. But I had no choice. He saw a lawyer without me knowing. And left me some things. I’ve treasured them. “I’m so sorry, Jack got tangled up with that woman.

“If I can help in any way, please let me know. Maybe my talking with Jack could help relieve his burden.”

I was beyond perplexed by Molly’s email. I had no idea who Molly was or what she was talking about. Not a clue. What promise did I make to her and when? How did I honor that promise?I didn’t know we had a 96-year-old Champ, and who the hell was the Jack she referred to?

On my Gmail account, I used the email search tool that archives previous emails and typed in Molly’s email address, which appeared in her March 16, 2026, email. The article was about Jack (not his real name), a Champ, who had made several dating mistakes when he was involved in a long-term, living-together, non-marriage relationship.

“There were a lot of financial mistakes made along the way, as well as others, but the most egregious one was his believing she would be there for him, “for richer, for poorer, and in sickness and health.”

“When Jack became seriously ill, and ended up in the hospital for a week, two weeks later she bolted! Jack was devastated. It was this scenario that Molly wanted to address. Now, almost three years later, she wrote to say that if her story would help to lighten Jack’s burden, I could now share it.

The mystery started to unravel. My Gmail archive showed that Molly had sent me an email on Jul 21, 2023, at 9:04 p.m. Earlier that day, I had published an eNewsletter titled “Love is Blind. A Senior Man Ignored Relationship Warning Signals.”

The topic was mainly about a Champ named Jack, whose relationship blunders affected his relationship. Plus, I included some details of my third marriage, in which I made relationship mistakes as well.

Molly’s July 21, 2023, email stated:

“I read your eNewsletter today and thought to myself, it could have happened to me. I’m sorry that happened to both you and Jack.

“Years ago, I lost my husband of 45 years to pancreatic cancer. We had a good marriage.

“After that, I met a psychologist recommended by my friend in New York while visiting her. She asked him to come over to help me with the loss. He stopped by and was very kind and quite intelligent.Spoke with me for hours. I had to return to California after being away for a few weeks. He kept in touch with me daily. He helped a lot. Stopped my crying and depression. This treatment went on for months.

“He mentioned how bad the ice and snow were in upstate NY. I invited him to come to sunny CA. He accepted. We got more acquainted. He told me he would never marry again. He had two very bad marriages.

“He decided he liked me and asked if we could get closer. I wasn’t quite ready. He would wait. After a few more months, he asked again. He suggested we live in NY for the summers, and spend winters in CA.

“This went on for years. We had many differences. He was a Democrat; I became a Republican. Small stuff. But then he wanted to get married. I didn’t. He got Alzheimer’s. I told him that I would help in every way possible if he could move here; I would take good care of him. We had been together for 16 years by that time. His family wanted no part of him.

“I went back to NY and helped him dispose of everything that wasn’t necessary. Brought him back to live here with me. Within a year, he got much worse. He had to be in a nursing home full-time. I had promised I would take care of him, and I kept my word because I truly cared for him. He passed away after another three years. I went to the nursing home every day.

“I took care of the burial; his family didn’t even want to talk with him when they could’ve. It broke my heart watching him decline. I’m thankful for knowing him for over twenty years.

“How anyone could just walk out on anyone sick and needy is a sin on their soul.

“Please don’t publish this email. I just felt you and your friend Jack should realize there are honest, dependable and loving women around. You must look at them with open eyes, before getting too involved.”

I emailed Molly back that same 2023 day. I wrote, “Thank you, Molly. A very touching story. You are an angel. I will honor your wishes and not publish your story.”

Checking the archives answered my questions listed above about why Molly emailed me last week. Yes, this Champ amazes me. She’s 96 and is willing to reach out now to a man I wrote about nearly three years ago. What a wonderful gesture

Molly. You amaze me.

Why Tom Needs a Break

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 13, 2026
by Columnist Tom Blake

Last Friday, the eNewsletter featured Debbie in an Ask The Therapist article about the importance of communication for couples. I was surprised that so many men responded, albeit briefly. Here are four comments from men.

An Orange County man stated, “Debbie’s article was very helpful for me. I know I need to talk some things out with my lady friend, but I don’t speak up because I want to keep the peace. Timing is important too. The way I communicate is key as well. Thanks, Debbie, for your help.”

Wayne emailed, “Debbie, “You were a great pinch hitter…excellent column. Thank you.”

Bill, “I liked your insight and smooth writing. Thank you for this very important and timely message.”

Terry, aka, the funny plumber, simply asked, “Tom, Are you okay?” He was responding to Debbie’s opening comment, which was: “Tom asked if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everything that has been going on in his life…”

Tom’s response to Terry “I’m fine, Terry, but I needed (and still do) a break. Please understand I’m not complaining—no whoa-is-me type of stuff.

“As many of you know, for 13 months, I’ve been trying to sell a property I’ve owned in Palm Springs for eight years. That meant lots of improvements and work projects. The property went into escrow three times and fell out. The real estate market in Palm Springs has been difficult. One of the reasons is that the Canadiens are avoiding renting or purchasing real estate out there.

They have always been a big part of the snowbird visitors and property owners. They aren’t traveling to the USA much these days. “So, there have been many time-consuming trips out there and back to Orange County. Thankfully, the property sold in late February. But all furniture that had not been sold or disposed of was shipped home via professional movers to my Dana Point home.

“And lately, I’m working on preparing my tax returns for 2025. I know that sounds silly, as we all need to do that, but with two properties (Palm Springs was a rental) I got a bit behind in my tax record-keeping. Hopefully, I will finish that challenge this week.

“Plus, writing this eNewsletter weekly and my newspaper columns bi-weekly takes several hours each week. The publisher of those three papers does not permit me to write what I’ve written in my weekly eNewsletters.

“Also, taking time was a four-day trip to San Francisco to meet up with old Victoria Station Restaurant chain buddies as we attended a special Johnny Cash tribute concert at the Bohemian Club on February 26, with 400 male club members in attendance.

“The night of the concert, my buddies told a club member that I had known Johnny Cash. The man asked if I had read Johnny’s Man In Black autobiography (see photo above). I told him I had an autographed copy of the book at home. “When I returned home, I looked at the book and saw that Johnny’s autographed message to me was signed on August 15, 1975.The book had been published on August 1, 1975, so my copy was likely one of the first of that book that Johnny signed. Thirteen million copies of that book have been sold. “

So, enough about me and why Debbie said I needed a rest. As we age, we all need to take a break occasionally. To keep the eNewsletter chugging along, we need your questions, stories, and comments. Let me hear from you.

Cheri said, “I have a question referencing background checks… whom do I contact and how long does this take…I would appreciate your response asap…I love your articles and hope you’re well.”

Background checks. That’s an important topic for next week. Share your experiences and which company you would recommend.

Unusual Senior Valentine’s Day

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 20, 2026
By Columnist Tom Blake

Today’s On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter was inspired by comments from Champs, particularly by Carolyn, who said, “I absolutely and unequivocally loved reading last week’s beautiful Valentine’s Day eNewsletter! So much fun to read all about Yoko’s exciting trip to Japan and eating the black eggs. Thanks to her for the fascinating photo of the black eggs! I also loved seeing the Hello Kitty train! Yay!

“I love anything related to Valentine’s Day! I attended a beautiful Valentine’s Day Party with lots of dancing and dinner! Had a fabulous time! I suspect that you and Debbie had an amazing and beautiful Valentine’s Day.

Tom’s comment. Since Carolyn mentioned that Debbie’s and my Valentine’s Day together was likely amazing and beautiful, I will expound on it.

A better definition of our day would be unusual. Most of you know that I have been trying to sell my Palm Springs vacation home for a year. It’s been a difficult challenge. It fell out of escrow three times. It has been in escrow a fourth time, and it looks like this time it will sell (hopefully). For those of you who have sold properties recently, you know that a big and challenging part of the process is getting rid of furniture and precious belongings, unless you’re able to sell “as is”.

Debbie has been a big help in that regard. She has posted items online for sale and dealt with people seeking low-price deals. Some of the large and heavy furniture pieces were a special challenge. She and I spent much of January and early February in Palm Springs as the hoped-for sale neared. There were a few items that either she or I wanted in our Orange County homes. We hired movers who picked those items up on Thursday, February 12. The truck was crammed full. Plus, we each had driven our own automobiles to Palm Springs and loaded each car with the remaining items that didn’t fit in the mover’s truck.

Sadly, there were six items that wouldn’t fit in our cars. We were going to have to leave them behind. We thought our realtor, Maureen, might store them in her garage until we could make another trip out there, but we knew that was asking a lot of her. And I was not up for another trip to Palm Springs, at least not for another week.

The moving truck left at 11 a.m. with a first stop at Debbie’s place in Mission Viejo. She drove separately to her home in her car, loaded with items. I drove away shortly thereafter, a little sad and emotional, realizing that an enjoyable eight-year period of my Palm Springs life was ending, and arrived in Dana Point around 1:30 p.m. The moving truck arrived at 8:30 p.m. and left about 9:30. I was exhausted. My garage was full.

The next morning, Friday, the 13th, Debbie called and said she had planned to drive back to Palm Springs that day to pick up the six items, but she had injured her ankle with all the lifting and movement, so she was going to drive out on Valentine’s Day instead to try to load the remaining items in her car. I didn’t want her to do that on Valentine’s Day by herself (or any day, for that matter), and I knew those six items would not all fit in her car. So, I drove the two of us in my Honda SUV, which had more room, on Valentine’s Day to Palm Springs and back, which took seven hours.

We were both exhausted, but we laughed at how the two of us seniors were spending our romantic Valentine’s Day. The remaining six pieces fit in my car, but a large clay pot was on the floor of her passenger seat, so her knees were crunched up and bent the whole way back. Now the romantic part of our Valentine’s Day: a lunch together on our return trip to the coast.

We stopped at the Morongo Casino gas station off the I-10 freeway to fill the tank ($1 a gallon cheaper vs other gas stations). An IN-N-OUT Burger restaurant was 50 yards away from the gas pumps. We splurged with a romantic lunch. Debbie had a grilled cheese sandwich; I had a cheeseburger. We split an order of fries and a small diet Coke.

So, Carolyn, our “amazing and beautiful” Valentine’s Day didn’t quite fit that description, but it was memorable, a day we won’t forget.

More Champ Comments MK (a woman), “As usual, I enjoyed your eclectic column.You do a great service by offering a venue for people to share their stories. I’m happy for you that your selling ordeal is nearly over. Tom’s response, “I’m still waiting for the final phone call to hear that the Palm Springs home has been sold and I hope it’s within 3-4 days.”

Pony Lady, “I loved all the comments about Valentine’s Day. It’s interesting how people feel differently about it.”

Lynn, Santa Margarita, CA, “Thanks for last week’s lovely eNewsletter. WELL, DONE! I did a bit of an early Valentine’s gift for myself. On Feb 5, I wanted a happy-color for my jump-into-my-first-hybrid car. I call her honeybee! Her 600 miles per 11.9-gallon tank is hard to beat! Thanks for all your newsletters…they are so fun & eye opening! “We all really do make our own happiness, making fun where’s there’s none is my mantra! Wishing you a GREAT WEEKEND!”

Tom’s response, “Beautiful car–way to go! “While not new, I call my 2013 Honda CRV Leo.” And often thank him for getting me safely to places. Lynn’s naming her car spawned an unusual topic for next week’s eNewsletter; even a little strange, a little weird, but kind of cute. After all, we older seniors need things that entertain us and keep us happy.

So, Champs, if you still drive a car or own a car, do you name your car, and if so, what name, year, and type of car? Why did you pick that name? Please let me know.

2 Senior Women With Different Retirement Outlooks

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

NL May 23, 2025

Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life

Helen

Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.

“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.

“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.

“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.

“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”

Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.

Maria

Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.

I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.

Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.

She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.

A Senior Man’s first-date jitters

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 9, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

A senior man’s first-date jitters

Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.

I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.

Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.

“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”

“Can you give me any advice?”

I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”

Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”

I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”

“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”

Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”

A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.

“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?

“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.

“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)

“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.

“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.

“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.

“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.

“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.

“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”

Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Senior dating sure has its challenges.

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

False Hope

Seniors Living Together

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter November 29 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

The June 7^th eNewsletter was titled, “Senior Man Scammed.” One short paragraph in that article quoted a text I had received from a woman, age 61. We had dated two times for an hour each time. The age gap was 25 years.

She wrote, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before me, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me your home.”

That quote inspired Champ Virginia, Newport Beach CA, to write me. She emailed, “That younger woman was certainly ‘jumping the gun’ and she sounded like a gold digger. Women are just trying to survive, and that woman was no exception…her action however does bring up the question of living together at a senior age.

“No woman or man would want to be left homeless at this stage of the game. Moving is traumatic and highly stressful and even more so as our ages increase and health issues surface.”

And then Virginia wrote about different options that could be put in place to protect the surviving person if their mate, the homeowner, passes away first. An estate planner needs to be consulted before the move-in occurs and a pre-move-in agreement signed by both parties.

She continued, “The other option is to just continue dating each other and living apart (a bit of a hassle and not so comfortable or satisfying as living together).

“The senior age with inevitable health issues, as well as declining physical strength, and all that accompanies it make this scenario a conundrum.

“If people live together, and one develops dementia, cancer or another crippling disease, would they be obligated to stay together if they live together but aren’t married? That’s a sticky problem.

“It’s not like we are teenagers or mid-lifers, we don’t have the luxury timewise of just dating endlessly if we are seeking someone to be a life companion. Maybe a column about seniors living together would generate opinions that would be helpful to Champs.”

Virginia raises a good point. A column based on the inputs from Champs would be beneficial to lots of people. A possible topic: The pros and cons of senior couples living together.

Another Champ, Leslie, emailed, “Many people of our ages are with SO’s (significant others) but are not marrying. It bothers me that my SO doesn’t want to marry again. He’s a widower after 53 years of marriage.

“I’ve never married through my own fears, though I’ve have had several relationships and proposals. The ‘one’, in my 30’s, I ran from and wouldn’t marry anyone else.

“My widower SO says he will never marry again. I could marry him, we’re both 83. I talk to my doctor, and he cautions me to stay in the relationship because he’s known too many women who broke up with a man because things weren’t perfect, and then they couldn’t find another. Hence, I stay and accept that I’ll never marry. Your eNewsletters give me hope.

“I was hoping, now, to experience marriage once. Our friends are married and there’s just a difference — a comfort they have in their commitment — that I don’t have. We basically live together, and it’s been almost eight years together, both are 83. I know many people remarry/marry, so to read about many couples not remarrying helps me.”

***

So, Champs, send me your opinions and experiences dealing with the “Pros and cons of seniors living together” issue. I’ll do a follow up column if I receive enough responses.

My Gratitude

Yesterday, of course, was Thanksgiving Day. I’m grateful for many things. But one of the biggest things is you, my Champs. Your responses to columns provide me with the material to generate future columns. I’ve formed friendships with many of you, although we may not have met in person. You’ve revealed your vulnerabilities. I hurt when you hurt.

You’ve shared advice that has been helpful to me personally. The eNewsletter has been published for 25 years. Let’s keep it moving forward. I’m grateful to all of you.

Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

A Senior Night at the ER

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 25, 2024
A Night at The ER
By Columnist Tom Blake (with assistance)

Note from Tom. I had help from Debbie, my partner of 18 months, writing this eNewsletter. Soon, you will understand why.

Last Friday night Debbie and I were heading out for dinner at 5:30 p.m. My car was parked at the curb outside my home. I walked four feet in front of her to open the passenger-side door. Much to my horror, she tripped on a patch of uneven Korean grass and fell face-first hard on the concrete sidewalk.

Her water bottle and purse went flying. The right side of her body, particularly her right breast and face, took the hit. She didn’t scream but she let out a loud sound of agony. The dogs belonging to our neighbors across the street could not see us, but upon hearing Debbie’s moans, started emitting a mournful noise. They could sense that something was terribly wrong.

With all the medical issues that Debbie has endured in the last five months–painful breast cancer removal and reconstructive surgery, radiation, loss of estrogen, hot flashes, endless doctor visits, and physical therapy–to see her writhing in pain curled up on the sidewalk, I felt so bad I nearly went into shock.

When you love someone, and see them so compromised, it takes a toll on your entire psyche. It took over three minutes to get her gingerly onto her feet.

“I’m okay, I’m okay,” she proclaimed. With a reddish-blue bump forming over her right eye, I didn’t think she was okay. There was no blood, however, which was a positive sign. Debbie asked me to get her an ice bag to put above her eye. Fortunately, she didn’t break her hip.

Debbie is a tough cookie. While holding the ice bag above her eye, she said, “Let’s head for dinner.” I said, “I don’t think so. Are you sure?” She insisted. We got carefully into the car and I started to drive. My mind was racing. Should we even go to a restaurant? Or should we change to a drive-through eatery? Debbie solved my dilemma by saying, “Do you think the Urgent Care around the corner is still open?”

Debbie always puts a positive spin on life. She kids a lot. Next, she added, “I hear they have great dinner specials at Urgent Care. And it’s early, so it’s probably not too busy yet.” (She was kidding of course).

She asked if I had called ahead for a reservation (still kidding). At this point, the small “egg” had grown over her eye. I headed for Urgent Care, two blocks away. Fortunately, they were still open, but unfortunately, in the case of a head injury, or possible traumatic brain injury, they send you to a hospital ER, where there is more sophisticated equipment. We looked at each other and agreed. “We are going to the ER at Mission Hospital.”

(Debbie’s reason for us going to the ER was that about two years ago, she fell off an 8’ ladder onto the concrete floor in her garage, and because she didn’t hit her head, only her back, and she had little pain, she thought, ‘good no concussion’, and decided not to go to the ER that time. However, she recently discovered that in that fall she had a fracture in her L4 area, and she didn’t want to risk any future back medical issues).

The ER

We arrived at Mission Hospital ER at about 6 p.m. There were seven ambulances parked nearby with their rear emergency doors open. When we entered the waiting room area, the room was 3/4 full of people of all ages, both patients and people who had accompanied the patients. Several health technicians and security personnel were scurrying around trying to be as helpful and efficient as possible.

Upon checking Debbie in, the staff made Debbie a top priority due to the potential brain injury caused by her fall. I heard an announcement that went throughout the ER saying ‘Code X, brain trauma patient checking in.’ We were told we’d be at the ER for at least two hours. During our time in the waiting room, Debbie was summoned several times as staff members came and escorted her to labs, an EKG, X-rays, and CAT scans. The ER was a busy place on that Friday night. Six people were checking new patients in.

Debbie is a Psychotherapist. She analyzes and assists people for a living. Together, we watched the new people arriving. To help pass the time while waiting and take the edge off her situation, we exchanged thoughts on what the other patients were dealing with.

This, of course, involved much eavesdropping, observing, and filling in the blank’s guesswork. We first focused on a young woman and her male companion who arrived shortly after us. There were no obvious medical issues that we could see about her, but she was crying. We didn’t know what was going on with her until four hours later, she was united with a baby boy, perhaps her son or nephew.

Most new arrivals were escorted by one or two family members or friends. A few people were alone. One was a man, 50ish, 6’2’, seated by himself. He was wearing high-top tennis shoes with untied shoelaces. Debbie told me that not tying one’s shoelaces is one of the latest fads among hip people these days. (I’m so out of touch in my older years).

Another young man wearing a football uniform had a makeshift cast on his arm. He had likely been injured in a Friday Night Lights football game. He was whisked through the waiting room to somewhere deeper in the hospital. We saw at least 25 new patients check in.

At 10:15 p.m., Debbie was relocated to the main emergency room area where a doctor would review all her results from the tests she had endured. I was allowed to be with her. That is also the area where patients on gurneys are wheeled in. Twice, people were wheeled into the hallway strapped on gurneys being escorted by armed Orange County Sheriff officers with guns at their sides. Heaven only knows what had transpired with those two dudes.

All of Debbie’s tests came back ok. Most importantly, the CAT scan showed no brain bleeding. The doctor said it would feel like a truck hit her, especially her sore breast that she had landed on, and that she should take it easy for a week but would feel discomfort for as long as a month. Debbie was released from the hospital at 11:30 p.m. We made it home by midnight. Our dinner date lasted six hours, but we didn’t eat a meal. I had a protein bar from the hospital cafeteria.

How is she feeling now, seven days later? She said, “I have a concussion. My head is still in a fog, and my right breast still hurts and it’s painful when I take a deep breath.”

Lessons Learned From Debbie

Debbie said, “Seniors must always be mindful of their surroundings, such as curbs, stairs, and uneven surfaces.

“Plus, seniors must ensure they seek medical help when they’ve had a mishap, even when they feel they are ok.”