Divorced man’s view on dating after 60

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 29, 2019

Divorced man’s view on dating at after 60

by columnist Tom Blake

Note from Tom: I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I was thinking of taking a break this week from writing an eNewsletter and then I thought, why? Especially, when I have a nice story about a man who just became a Champ (an eNewsletter subscriber) and how he views the dating scene.

Women often state they seldom read about single guys and their dating dramas, so I decided to share one with you on the day after Thanksgiving.

                              A divorced man’s view on dating at 62

As a senior dating columnist, my job is never boring.

Danny, a new Tom Blake’s Champ (eNewsletter subscriber), emailed, “I enjoy reading your column in the Dana Point Times. Online dating, while better than walking into a bar cold, is frustrating indeed. I’m sure many women feel the same way.

“I’m 62, divorced five years, with three grown sons. I’m active, healthy, gainfully employed and live locally. I’ve tried Match.com, Our Time, Plenty of Fish; they are all the same.

“Having been online for a while, I am picky and not willing to settle. If it feels right, I’m in. If it doesn’t, I’m like, “Check please!”

“A lot of one-and-done meet ups. Met one woman that seemingly had high potential. After several months, it fizzled out.

“I want to attend your monthly Meet and Greets in Dana Point. Sounds like you need more men, so the odds sound good! When is the next one?

(Thursday, December 12, 5 to 7 p.m. Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, no admission cost, free appetizers, beer and wine $5)

“Attached is my online dating profile summary, and a recent picture.”

 Champ Danny
I viewed Danny’s picture and profile. I selected a few items from his profile to illustrate what this senior single man says he has to offer and what he hopes for in a relationship.

He wrote, “I’m seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman. I’m a romantic optimist and believe in love and passion and treating a woman with respect and kindness–while being a chivalrous gentleman. Believe in going slow and let the relationship develop on its own.

“If the chemistry is there, great things will happen naturally, and it will be wonderful! I subscribe to honesty, trust, good character, faithfulness, and sincerity.

“I enjoy a healthy dose of Irish humor. Like to laugh and have fun. Not into drama and endless dating with no future.

“Enjoy cooking and a nice glass of wine. I’m emotionally available and ready to build a meaningful relationship.”

I responded to Danny, “Your profile is impressive. Being a gentleman and emotionally available are so important.

“A handsome man your age shouldn’t have to rely on Internet dating to meet someone. There are hundreds of single, available, desirable age 60-plus women in south Orange County.

“At our November Meet and Greet, widowers, widows and divorced men and women attended. One lovely woman from San Clemente was asked by two different men if they could walk her to her car. She handled the two offers graciously.

“May I write about you in the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch?”

Danny responded: “BREAKING NEWS: The ex-girlfriend I met on Match.com just texted me and wants to meet. I’m not sure what her intentions are, or where meeting her might go. If things were to take off with her again, the last thing I need is my dating profile in the three newspapers you write for.

I responded, “OK, we’ll wait.” And then immediately I sent him a copy of the “breadcrumbed” eNewsletter from two weeks ago. And then I sent the follow up article with the 20 comments from Champs about the breadcrumbed article.

Two days later, Danny wrote: “I picked her up at the airport last night. We had dinner talking about mostly meaningless stuff. She isn’t sure she even wants to date right now.

“Today, I expected a text from her saying thanks for the ride home from the airport, dinner and drinks, but there was no text from her. Nothing. The silence was deafening. So, it’s okay to run my story.”

Did Danny feel he’d been breadcrumbed? I think so, and from the information I had received, I think he was.

For women in Southern California, to meet Danny and other fine gentlemen, attend the December 12, Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, in Dana Point, California.

Or, to contact Danny, email me at  tompblake@gmail.com; I will forward it to him. Remember, he’s in So Cal and most likely isn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. So, if you live in Bangor, Port St. Lucie, Fargo, or Victoria B.C., or other faraway places, I wouldn’t contact him. That’s just my opinion.

Writing about senior dating is never dull.

Responses to breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 22, 2019

by columnist Thomas P Blake

He breadcrumbed Loretta. He was a miserable worm – regardless of how you want to label it and/or him

Today’s eNewsletter is a collection of 20 Champ responses from last week’s article, “Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term. To refresh your memory, go back and read last week’s post about Loretta being breadcrumbed.

1. Jeanne, “Yikes! That wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship! It was a one-way street – going his way.”

2. Wayne, “Total denial.”

3. Art, Florida, “This ‘relationship’ was much more in her mind than his. He carried on his life with her as an occasional date.  When he did not give her so much as a birthday phone call, it was obvious that she was not on his mind, or even in his plans.

“This was for him just another in a line of dates, but no deep communication, no interest in the future, and no relationship.

“I think that many of us read more into situations, and believe the story we tell ourselves, but in the end, wind up being hurt.”

4. Joanie, “I was in two ‘go-no-place (GNP) relationships’ where there was no growth and no further depth than the initial dating. It took me years to realize what was happening.

Alert from Tom: Might Joanie have just created a new senior dating term? A GNP relationship (go-no-place).

“It’s a gift to find this out after a year or two and get out–better to be alone and pursuing a quality life–than to waste one’s precious time on a GNP. Loretta will find a better match.”

5. Miriam, “There were small signs along the way, but she was too trusting with his many excuses and times of not seeing her. In a good relationship, you want to be together as much as possible.”

6. Susan, “It sounds like Loretta’s now-ex boyfriend may be incapable of having a close relationship. There were red flags. For one, being brushed aside for a family dinner every week seems very unusual.”

7. Sue, Phoenix, AZ, “Loretta is much better off without that kind of individual. He’s more of a miserable worm than a crumb.”

8. Jon, Olympia, Washington, “Loretta’s friend should be ashamed of himself. A man should never make the woman guess the status of their relationship. Making and keeping plans is crucial to maintaining communication. For Turkey Day, I’m having dinner at Sharon’s with her family, and I am buying the turkey.”

9. Tasia, “Breadcrumbing – Never heard of it before but it makes total sense! I tried online dating for a few years and met only one person who was honest with me. Unfortunately, the attraction wasn’t there even though he was a good, kindhearted man. We even tried a second time to make it work a couple years later, but, everything that was wrong the first time, was still wrong, so we ended as friends again.

“I’m not online any longer and I have not been breadcrumbed, or, experienced situational dating, but I now recognize that happened with a former friend. I always thought it was because she slept with these guys after the first or second date – not saying Loretta did that – just that my friend did.”

10. Mary Lou, “Long periods between dates, showing up not groomed for a date, talking about making plans and then not following up, didn’t any of these raise a red flag?

“It takes two to make a relationship. This relationship was on its last legs, whether she knew it or not. I bet he met someone who lives closer to him, and, went for it with the other gal because Loretta was geographically undesirable.

“Some people just want to keep their options open (ie., breadcrumbed) until they decide where to commit. Not fair nor is it kind, but it’s what happens.

“Loretta sounds like a nice lady. She’ll be more savvy and aware with the next guy she meets.”

11. Marta from Montreal, “Six weeks is an awfully long time to not get together, especially since they were not very far apart.

“It sounds like the relationship was not developing as relationships do, but how was she to judge that? We are encouraged to be patient, kind, accepting, all that good stuff, but there is a limit, and I understand how deciding what one’s personal limit is can be very confusing.

“If what you want is a loving and permanent romance, be alert for signs it’s not going to happen, and get your runners on and get going.”

12. Gail, Bishop, California, “My reaction is old-fashioned: good riddance! What a rude person. I’m glad she found him out.”

13. Thyrza, Los Angeles area, “Loretta was hanging on too long hoping the relationship will develop and blossom. Obviously, it did not, time to move on.

“He was not a catch, anyway, I would dismiss it as a ghostly encounter. Move on Loretta. I don’t care what that relationship label is, just move on!”

14. Laurie, “I’ve been breadcrumbed. It stinks!”

15. Stella, “ARRRRGHGH!  Why would she want him anyway?  He’s mentally ill, in bad health, blood clots (unless he’s lying). If a guy isn’t willing to spend his time with you exclusively after a year – HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!” (The name of a well-known dating book).”

16. Joy, “She thought this to be a loving, committed relationship. Men and women should pay more attention to what their partner does than what he or she says. Actions speak louder than words. Talk can be cheap. I believe most of us heard this ‘saying’ when we were in high school.

Loretta is a loving and kind woman. Love yourself more Loretta and be thankful you can now see his true character. Head up high and move forward with a smile. You’re lucky you caught him in another lie.

17. Terry, “I feel for her as ‘love’ can be like the disease of addiction–cunning and baffling.”

18. Lee Ann, “I’m not fond of labels since every dating experience is different. Breadcrumbed especially. I think what she needs to focus on instead of labeling it is what she wants next time. There were so many red flags. They were dating for a year but would go weeks without seeing each other, even though only 30 minutes apart.

“I’m also disturbed that she wasn’t included in Sunday dinners. Relationships are supposed to grow in a forward direction.

“Another huge red flag for me would be being asked to make a baby blanket for a baby I’d never met. I think she should take some time alone to examine what she wants in a relationship and perhaps see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries and to have a healthy relationship down the road.”

19. Shelley, San Diego, “I think what many women do is: Go by a man’s WORDS and not his ACTIONS. This man was saying he was her ‘boyfriend’ and that he ‘loved’ her, but his ACTIONS tell a different story.
“In all relationships, we need to feel safe, seen and celebrated.

“From a man who says he loves me, I should be getting great treatment, treated as precious.”

20. Stephanie, Midwest, “Breadcrumbing is nothing new. It used to be called ‘stringing you along.’

“Loretta’s boyfriend didn’t want to break off the relationship because his new lady he had dinner with might break up with him, and good old Loretta would still be available for dating.

“For a time, she was his main girlfriend, as he was inviting her to share the holidays with his family. Somewhere along the line, she became a utility infielder instead of a starting pitcher.

“Breadcrumbing is more subtle than ghosting, you feel the person still cares about you and there is an ongoing connection.

“Ladies, don’t fall for this–if enthusiasm wanes, if something has changed–call it out. Put less value on his words than his actions from that point on. Maybe he’s just a coward or fears hurting your feelings so he says all the right things and you calm down–but is the phone ringing again?”

Tom’s final observation: Wow 20 Champs’ responses. You make this eNewsletter so darn interesting. In effect, you write it.

The perfect finish to this eNewsletter was alluded to by Thyrza, when she mentioned Loretta was hanging on. Those two words reminded me of the incredible Rod Stewart song, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” from the 1977 Footloose and Fancy Free record album (we’ve featured it before in a column)

That song by Stewart is the greatest tribute to being breadcrumbed in the world. The violins, and, Carmine Appice on the drums, make listening to this 7+ minute song purely enjoyable.

That song, and two others from that album (I Was Only Joking and You Got A Nerve) belong in the senior Music Hall of Fame (which doesn’t exist). Here’s the link to You Keep Me Hanging On. Do yourself a favor and listen (excuse the picture with the video of the woman with the bikini and tattoos)


Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 15, 2019 – Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating descriptions

by columnist Thomas P Blake

You’d think that after 26 years of writing approximately 4,000 eNewsletters and newspaper columns on senior dating and relationships, I’ve heard it all.

Not true. With our eNewsletter readers (Champs), there is always something new. Such was the case with Loretta’s email this week. She wrote: Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.

Having read last week’s eNewsletter about Chris and Tina applying for a 10-year green card, Loretta wrote: “I wanted to share my story in the hope you might provide your insight and perspective.

“As of October, 2018, I’ve been involved in a new relationship. We met through a dating web site. He is 70; I’m 63. We live 30 to 40 minutes from each other.

I considered him to be my boyfriend. I thought he considered me his girlfriend. Not sure if we were lifetime-partner material but my friends who met him thought we could be.

Tom’s clarification: Loretta explained in lengthy detail the background of their relationship. I edited those comments for brevity, paraphrasing what she said so readers will have background with which to work.

Loretta and her “boyfriend” were not together often—sometimes weeks would go by without seeing each other. She works full time; he works part time. They usually saw each other on Saturday afternoons and/or evenings. And sometimes during the week. They were comfortable with that arrangement. They texted and telephoned often.

The boyfriend spends Sundays at his son’s family dinners. She isn’t invited. Loretta makes her own plans for Sundays. Last year, a month after they met, they celebrated her birthday by dining out and going to the theater.

In 2018., they spent Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with his family. They exchanged gifts. They did not spend Easter together as he suffers from depression and confused his meds. He spent the day alone. She didn’t see him for six weeks “…while the meds adjusted.”

Loretta was asked to knit a baby blanket for the boyfriend’s grandson, who was born in July. She has not met the grandson. Once, last-minute, she was invited but she had already made other plans.

Hopefully, the above background details are helpful.

And now, back to Loretta’s email

She wrote, “He told me he considered me his girlfriend. He told me he loved me. I called him Tesoro Mio, my treasure and my boyfriend. He wanted to meet my friends.

“He also knew I did I not wait for him to make plans for a weekend. I would see my friends and do things on my own as he did every Sunday with his family. We would share what we were doing, so I thought. Last time I saw him, he asked if I had met someone. I told him no. He was my boyfriend.

“We last saw each other for dinner on Tuesday, October 29, 2019. He didn’t bother to shave or dress up. During that date, he brought up my birthday, saying he didn’t forget my birthday, knew it was coming up. No plans were made for my birthday. Poof.

“During that dinner, I asked about Thanksgiving and he confirmed via text me having Thanksgiving with his family and via a phone call only a week ago.

Prior to October 29, the last time we got together was on September 19 (about six weeks before).

“On my birthday, last Sunday, November 9, I was breadcrumbed. I asked Loretta to define breadcrumbed.

She wrote, “Breadcrumbed is a dating term like ghosting. It is when texting and receiving ‘likes’ on social media that make you think you are in a relationship. And has kinda replaced ghosting. Worse than ghosting, however, as just when you think the relationship may be ending, it picks back up. Or as in my case, talk of plans and then none made. Talk of taking a trip together and then hearing it’s not a good time for a trip.

“It is the story of Hansel and Gretel. The crumbs led to the wicked witch, not a happy ending.

Then, she asked me: “You did an eNewsletter about ghosting. Would you consider one on breadcrumbed and situational relationships?

“Dating has changed so much with social media and texting, it is easy to think or find oneself in what one thinks is a solid relationship, only to learn it isn’t anything at all. Poof, and you realize–despite expressions of love–it wasn’t anything.

Loretta’s disappointing birthday

“I called him early in the afternoon on my birthday. I was concerned about his health (he has a blood clot in his leg). He shared he wasn’t feeling great and was just hanging out at home.

“He said he was selfish in forgetting my birthday. I didn’t correct him just told him where I would be for dinner, if he felt like joining me. Texted him the address and time. I hadn’t heard from him for five days.

“Though, the last few weeks, I realized upon reflection, not so many calls. The missing calls were explained by him–without my asking–that he was receiving calls from his son each evening as his new grandson was being put to sleep.
“I went to dinner to celebrate by myself. I thought it would be a kind gesture to drop off a meal from the restaurant; he had told me many times that I was welcome anytime. This would be the first time that I just showed up without calling ahead. After all, he told me he was home alone, with nothing going on.

“When I arrived–much to my surprise–I saw another car in the driveway with a woman putting food leftovers in her car trunk. She walked back into the house.

“I followed her into the house as the side door was open. He was standing in the living room with his jacket on. It appeared they had just returned from dinner out. He was dressed for a date as was she.

“I handed him the food. Spoke to him and said I brought you dinner as I thought you were too sick to go out.

“He smiled, said she is a friend, and, he asked me to leave. He would call me.

“I said goodbye to him as I left.

“Two things: If she was just a friend, I believe he would have introduced me.

“Second, I haven’t shed a tear. I am in shock. Can’t believe for one who is viewed as sharp and smart by my friends, that it happened. Feeling overwhelmed in my disappointment.

“Believe I’ve been breadcrumbed, and in a situational relationship without ever knowing it. Gotta move on and recover.

“It was a relationship that was comfortable, not perfect. He told me he loved me. I was invited to stay over.  In the end, it’s probably for the better. Just sad how the end happened.”

Tom’s wrap up: I know Champs will have opinions. I have no words, other than: There were red flags that Loretta overlooked. His ignoring Loretta’s birthday was bad enough, but for him to be out with another woman on Loretta’s birthday, and asking Loretta to leave, that’s the end of the line.

So now, we have new dating terms: breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.

Responses to Loretta’s story from my readers, whom I refer to as Champs, in the following week’s eNewsletters, which is published next in this eNewsletter.


Senior long-distance relationship challenges

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter –  November 8, 2019 

by Columnist Thomas P Blake

Champ couple overcomes senior long-distance relationship challenges and now faces another challenge

Our most-written-about Champ couple is in the news again. Yes, I’m referring to Chris and Tina Anastasio, San Clemente, California residents. Most of you will recall that I’ve written about them before on a couple of occasions.

Why the hoopla about Chris and Tina (Christine)? Because, in the 26 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and newsletters, I’ve never met a senior couple who has endured and overcome as many senior relationship challenges as Chris and Christine.

Christine and Chris in front of Richard Henry Dana statue in Dana Point Harbor (photo by Tom)

To refresh your memory: Their story together began in 2004. Chris, as a cruise ship dance host on a cruise ship, danced with Christine, a lovely widow of 18 months from England. After the cruise, they started corresponding, which began the longest, long-distance relationship of which I’m aware—5,419 miles, San Clemente to England.

Over the years, when they could, they visited each other, and took trips together.

In 2009, I published a book titled, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” In their story, which is included in the book, Chris states, “Every time we get together it’s like a honeymoon.”

After 13 years of being an unwed, long-distance couple, Chris and Christine married on February 12, 2017, at the Dana Point California Yacht Club. Greta, and I attended the wedding, and I wrote a column about them.

Tina and Chris Anastasio–tying the knot in Dana Point in February, 2017 (photo by Tom Blake)

But their challenges weren’t entirely behind them. Christine still had to return to England from time-to-time because she wasn’t eligible to permanently stay in the United States.

So, a month after their wedding, Chris and Christine started the legal process of securing a two-year, temporary, green card for her, so she wouldn’t have to leave the country so often.

A year later, in February, 2018, Chris emailed: “After jumping through all kinds of hoops last year, we finally had Christine’s green card hearing today. It was the last stop in the process.

“We were told to bring pictures, papers, letters or anything else that would prove we were a REAL couple. Christine suggested we bring your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book to the green card hearing.

50 couples cover

“During the interview, I mentioned that we had become kind of famous because of our long-distance relationship you’ve written about. I said we were featured in your book, and handed it to him, with our page bookmarked.

“He started reading. His face lit up. He said, ‘This is great, I don’t have to see anything else. You have your green card.’

“It was amazing. That’s all he looked at. We were out of there in less than a half hour. You had a hand (and a big hand at that) in getting Christine her green card. Thanks for your help.”

Their green-card story is why I wrote a second article about them.

I think their life-together achievement is remarkable. I’ve had seniors complain that someone who lives a few miles away is geographically undesirable. Traveling to another state to meet? Unthinkable.

And, yet Chris and Christine stuck together being 5,419 miles away. Chris is now 85, and Christine turns 79 this December. Chris is well-known in south Orange County for his charity work.

One other thing about Chris, who is a US Navy veteran. On the first anniversary of 9/11, at age 69, he put the American flag on the “A” marker buoy via a kayak, just outside of Dana Point Harbor beyond the jetty in the Pacific Ocean.

Chris said, “I tended the flag every day from a kayak and changed it about every three months until I turned 80 and had heart surgery. The Dana Point Yacht Club said they liked it and would maintain it.” (Note from Tom: this week, I verified with a guy who does stand up paddling in the ocean that the flag is still on that buoy).

And now, another challenge has arisen

This week, Chris emailed an update: “Christine’s two-year green card expires soon. So, we must go back in and apply for Christine’s 10-year, permanent green card. Is it okay with you if we carry your “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book to the government office again? It brought great luck to us two years ago.

My reply: “Of course. Let me provide you with a fresh copy. Hopefully, it will help you get Christine’s permanent green card.

Also, not letting age slow them down, Christine and Chris added, “We are taking a cruise over the Holidays. We board the ship in Singapore December 18, and disembark in Dubai, January 2, 2020. We will watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks from the deck of the ship in Dubai Harbor.”

Christine and Chris Anastasio are one of the most inspiring–and indefatigable–Champ couples I’ve ever come across.

The importance of appreciation in relationships

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 1, 2019

by Thomas P Blake author and columnist

The importance of appreciation in relationships

Recently, a friend said to me, “It will be nice to be appreciated by someone rather than be taken for granted.”

He was referring to a romantic relationship that he had recently terminated. It was a difficult decision, one he pondered time and time again–because he cared about her—but each time he thought about it, he reached the same conclusion: he wasn’t being appreciated by her. He’s a good man with lots to give.

His comment struck a chord with me. I recalled that years ago, I had written a column titled, “Appreciation.” I didn’t recall when I specifically wrote that article, but remembered it was in the autumn of the year, a time when many people, who are in less-than-satisfying relationships, evaluate them. The holidays tend to do that to people.

In sorting through my column archives, I was amazed to locate the “Appreciation” article. I wrote it on November 16, 2000, based upon conversations with three people, who had independently commented to me about how appreciation can affect relationships, both positively and negatively.

Much of what I wrote is still applicable today. So, I’m going to quote a few of the observations from that 19-year-old article. The observations might help people who are feeling under-appreciated or unappreciated. Expressing appreciation is a pretty simple concept. Sometimes, however, we just need a little reminder of its power.

I wrote: “Life, day-in, and day-out, is trying on most of us. There are demands on our time. We’re so busy, we may not say ‘Thank You,’ to our mates often enough.

“Expressing appreciation to a mate, and actually, anyone, is a considerate, thoughtful and kind act. It shows respect and acknowledges to a partner that he or she is trying to put us first.

Appreciation and a smile work everywhere in the world. I asked these two Huatulco, Mexico, police officers to help me open a bottle of tequila. The officer in the raincoat whipped out a switch blade knife and pried off the top. I thanked him and his buddy profusely. My appreciation elicited this warm response from them. (photo courtesy of Tom)

“People like to be recognized. When they do something nice for a mate, or another person, regardless of how small or minor, it’s good to hear that what they did was appreciated. Appreciation goes a long way to strengthen relationships.

“When people are appreciated, they will keep looking for ways to please their mates; appreciation and recognition are positive taps on the shoulder.

“However, when people take their mates for granted, and don’t notice or appreciate the little things done for them, relationships can be adversely affected.

“A lack of appreciation from a mate might be a red flag that the mate doesn’t care enough about the relationship. That doesn’t mean the mate is a bad person, it could be as simple as the mate isn’t in love.”

The year 2000 article also stated, “When a mate doesn’t appreciate you, and that behavior repeats itself, you may say to yourself: ‘Screw it, I won’t take being treated that way anymore.’

“Lack of appreciation creates disappointment and disillusionment. When it happens too often to a person, he or she may slowly stop caring. The relationship suffers. It’s like decay in a tooth. Let it go along enough without remedial action, and you’ll lose it.

“Criticism of a mate and finding fault with him or her, is a form of anti-appreciation. It’s demeaning to the person being criticized. Perhaps the criticizing person wants out, but that’s a chicken way to handle it.

“I’ve written about new singles making a list of the qualities they require in a mate. High on their lists should be a partner who appreciates them. In return, they must do the same for the new partner.”

I ended that article from 19 years ago with these words: “One of the dangers in long-lasting relationships—marriage or otherwise–is that the appreciation for each other can start to wane. If that happens, watch out. Look at the divorce rate. Lack of appreciation is one of the factors.”

Such may have been the case with my friend who confided in me. In his case, the decision to move on, is, in my opinion, what’s best for him as well. Moving on is always hard, but when it’s best for you, you’ve got to do it.

Lesson learned from 19 years ago, and still applicable today: If you appreciate receiving appreciation, don’t overlook giving it. It’s a powerful love tool.