Tutor and Spunky’s Deli – On Life and Love after 50

Divorced man’s view on dating after 60

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 29, 2019

Divorced man’s view on dating at after 60

by columnist Tom Blake

Note from Tom: I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I was thinking of taking a break this week from writing an eNewsletter and then I thought, why? Especially, when I have a nice story about a man who just became a Champ (an eNewsletter subscriber) and how he views the dating scene.

Women often state they seldom read about single guys and their dating dramas, so I decided to share one with you on the day after Thanksgiving.

A divorced man’s view on dating at 62

As a senior dating columnist, my job is never boring.

Danny, a new Tom Blake’s Champ (eNewsletter subscriber), emailed, “I enjoy reading your column in the Dana Point Times. Online dating, while better than walking into a bar cold, is frustrating indeed. I’m sure many women feel the same way.

“I’m 62, divorced five years, with three grown sons. I’m active, healthy, gainfully employed and live locally. I’ve tried Match.com, Our Time, Plenty of Fish; they are all the same.

“Having been online for a while, I am picky and not willing to settle. If it feels right, I’m in. If it doesn’t, I’m like, “Check please!”

“A lot of one-and-done meet ups. Met one woman that seemingly had high potential. After several months, it fizzled out.

“I want to attend your monthly Meet and Greets in Dana Point. Sounds like you need more men, so the odds sound good! When is the next one?

(Thursday, December 12, 5 to 7 p.m. Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, no admission cost, free appetizers, beer and wine $5)

“Attached is my online dating profile summary, and a recent picture.”

Champ Danny
I viewed Danny’s picture and profile. I selected a few items from his profile to illustrate what this senior single man says he has to offer and what he hopes for in a relationship.

He wrote, “I’m seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman. I’m a romantic optimist and believe in love and passion and treating a woman with respect and kindness–while being a chivalrous gentleman. Believe in going slow and let the relationship develop on its own.

“If the chemistry is there, great things will happen naturally, and it will be wonderful! I subscribe to honesty, trust, good character, faithfulness, and sincerity.

“I enjoy a healthy dose of Irish humor. Like to laugh and have fun. Not into drama and endless dating with no future.

“Enjoy cooking and a nice glass of wine. I’m emotionally available and ready to build a meaningful relationship.”

I responded to Danny, “Your profile is impressive. Being a gentleman and emotionally available are so important.

“A handsome man your age shouldn’t have to rely on Internet dating to meet someone. There are hundreds of single, available, desirable age 60-plus women in south Orange County.

“At our November Meet and Greet, widowers, widows and divorced men and women attended. One lovely woman from San Clemente was asked by two different men if they could walk her to her car. She handled the two offers graciously.

“May I write about you in the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch?”

Danny responded: “BREAKING NEWS: The ex-girlfriend I met on Match.com just texted me and wants to meet. I’m not sure what her intentions are, or where meeting her might go. If things were to take off with her again, the last thing I need is my dating profile in the three newspapers you write for.

I responded, “OK, we’ll wait.” And then immediately I sent him a copy of the “breadcrumbed” eNewsletter from two weeks ago. And then I sent the follow up article with the 20 comments from Champs about the breadcrumbed article.

Two days later, Danny wrote: “I picked her up at the airport last night. We had dinner talking about mostly meaningless stuff. She isn’t sure she even wants to date right now.

“Today, I expected a text from her saying thanks for the ride home from the airport, dinner and drinks, but there was no text from her. Nothing. The silence was deafening. So, it’s okay to run my story.”

Did Danny feel he’d been breadcrumbed? I think so, and from the information I had received, I think he was.

For women in Southern California, to meet Danny and other fine gentlemen, attend the December 12, Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, in Dana Point, California.

Or, to contact Danny, email me at tompblake@gmail.com; I will forward it to him. Remember, he’s in So Cal and most likely isn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. So, if you live in Bangor, Port St. Lucie, Fargo, or Victoria B.C., or other faraway places, I wouldn’t contact him. That’s just my opinion.

Writing about senior dating is never dull.

Seniors don’t give up on finding love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 11, 2019

Seniors don’t give up on finding love

by Tom P Blake

Comments from 5 Men and 5 women regarding last week’s article

Last week, we wrote about Michele, 67, from Brooklyn, a widow of 18 years, who has given up on Senior Dating. The responses from that eNewsletter were more diverse than any I can recall.

In an unusual turn of events, an equal number of men and women responded. Today, five men and five women comment. And notice the diverse geographical locations of our Champs.

Some comments were depressing, as other seniors besides Michele have given up as well. One Champ, Ginny, provided an extensive and helpful list of suggestions for how senior women might meet potential mates. Her suggestions are included at the end of the article.

Thanks Champs, for taking the time to write. Your comments keep the eNewsletter fresh. The 10 responses follow:

Ken, Alabama, “I’m 61. In lower AL. I have given up on Senior Dating. Haven’t gone out in five years. Been Widowed over 20 years. Early years, I thought I’d meet someone. Had my senior heart broken twice. They wanted me to accept their children. But, they wouldn’t accept mine.

“Now, just me. The few unmarried women I meet are not interested. Many I meet aren’t interested in dating either. Oh well.”

Thyrza, Los Angeles, “Is it possible that Michele is too old school in her approach to finding love after 50? With a wink, I say to Michele: ‘Show some skin.’ It won’t kill you.”

Ben, widower, South Orange County, Calif., “It’s like anything else in life- you got to throw yourself and see what sticks that you are attracted to and what you want in a relationship. It will be hard to find someone; I was married for 24 years. There are good people out there; just do not give up.

“The dating sites are a real gamble and after some time–why bother?

“I am probably going to leave California in 2020 for TN or God knows where. Reasons: Cost-of-living, downright sincerity of people, people have even stated ‘You belong here. Please come back.’ Price of gasoline, greenery, sense of community and my niece & hubby will be moving there soon from CT. Taxes are not bad and no state income tax.

“Your Tutor and Spunky’s Deli September Meet and Greet meeting was nice and it would be my pleasure to go to the next one in October.

(Thursday, October 24, 5 to 7 p.m., Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point).

“No expectations on my part. I am ‘genuine,’ honest and forthright. I am always working on my listening skills and up front with ladies. How else can one be? Happy when I work on the roses and cactus at home, plus reading a good book or seeing a decent movie.

“Articulate, and smile (like Charlie Chaplin wrote in that great song).

“Emotionally, every day is a challenge- certain places I will not go in–too many good memories.”

Joanie, Southern California, “Another option for the Brooklyn woman: Move to Alaska! More men than women! On the other hand, finding Mr. Perfect can be wonderful, but it’s also compromising and limiting.

So, ladies, find exciting hobbies and things to do where you do not have to have a man. And yes, the older we get the less men there are…so why worry about it? Why strive for that ‘diamond in the coal mine?’ Find other interesting things in life. Find a place to nurture others – animals, kids, sick people, babies in hospitals. All highly rewarding!

Jim, El Paso, Texas, “My younger sister did one of the things you suggested when she found herself divorced in her 50s. At a party at a friend’s house, she struck up a conversation with a gentleman she found attractive. She asked him out and they’ve been dating for the last few years.

“Sometimes you have to make your own luck.”

Sid, Florida, “This young pup (Michele) is slowly starting to become an older pup.”

Stella, Newport Beach, “The ratios can be depressing if you focus on that. Focus on this instead: It only takes one.”

Sally, Sacramento, “I’ve enjoyed your articles, books, blogs and advice since 1998!

“I’m still single San Clemente Sally living in Sacramento! I cherish my friendships and love giving anyone a smile so they give it back to me.

“Nothing has stuck in 25 years of being a widow but I love my independence and hearing all the stories of everyone I love to meet.

Jon, Olympia, Washington, “I’m happy to be out of the dating scene but am frequently amazed at how many women complain about the lack of men.

“While I don’t have the numbers, it seems that if women were a bit less fussy and would stop complaining about the men they meet, they might be more successful at finding someone they were happy with.

“They need to abandon the romantic ideals of the high school years and get real with where we older people are now. Some honest conversations with the men in their lives would probably clear up many of their problems.”

Ginny’s valuable suggestions for meeting men

And finally, Ginny, Philadelphia suburbs, “I have several suggestions for increasing a woman’s chances for meeting single men besides the usual church etc.

“At our Senior Center, we have some attractive, active, single men who shoot pool. That’s where I met my ‘sweetie’ after we were both widowed. We are still going strong after six years of dating, at 78 and 85. I am on the Council there now.

“I wasn’t shy about knocking on the pool room door, the guys invited me in to watch. Men from other places sometimes come for tournaments (more chances)? And while you’re there, keep your eyes open!

“I know someone who loves Pinochle. She found a card partner. They are both active, fun loving, widows in their eighties, and it turns out that they grew up on the same street. They are very happy together. In fact, much to our surprise, we met them on a cruise.

“Another suggestion, volunteer at a Veterans post, or be an aide to a vet for a day thru the “Honor Flight” program. They pay for trips for vets to DC to visit all the war memorials. From our area it is a bus trip, a send-off breakfast and a wonderful outpouring of flag-waving, local residents ‘welcoming them home’ and dinner and entertainment following.

“Another suggestion. I sometimes have gotten invitations to go to free retirement investment seminar lunches. At the one I attended at the local country club, the ratio of men to women was very favorable. Ladies, be bold, go alone.”

Tom’s comment: It’s not only investment seminars where a nice complimentary meal is included; it could be at new housing developments, senior care facilities, a cruise line’s or travel agent’s promotion function–any number of different situations where a comp meal is offered. I agree with Ginny. Get out and meet new people.

Ginny continues, “Class reunions. I have met some nice eligible classmates who have approached me; however, I am attached.

“And finally, educate yourself about online dating. My widowed, cautious brother, age 73, had done it for several years before finding ‘the one’ online a year ago.

“So, ladies, don’t get discouraged. Get out where the men are. Volunteer, even if you don’t meet ‘the one,’ you are doing something productive to give your life meaning and purpose. HAVE FUN, and in doing so, you will attract others.”

So, there you have it, lots of different points of view from lots of different Champs! Enjoy your weekend.

Oh, and to underscore the point about not knowing when and where men might appear out of the blue. My sister Pam, just returned from New Guinea. These guys emerged from the forest while she was there. Pam’s happily married so she wasn’t interested, but found them to be unique and friendly. Perhaps geographically not available as well.

New Guinea Skeleton Men (Photo courtesy of Pam Peters)

Meet and Greets at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli – May 22 and June 27 2019

Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli – May 22 and June 27 2019

Posted by Tom P Blake June 28 2019 for senior singles

Matt and Cheryl – Successful senior internet long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 21, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Matt and Cheryl – A successful senior internet long-distance relationship

Setting the stage–October 2015:

Cheryl, 68, twice divorced from “two very unhappy marriages.” Lives in Ohio. Owns a horse and a home. Two kids, both married. Grandchildren in Ohio nearly grown. She’s lived within 30 minutes of them from the time they were born. All family members live in Ohio and she has many friends there as well. She’s also very involved in her church.

Using free online dating site OK Cupid. Answered 600+ questions on Cupid questionnaire.

Cheryl says, “I know many of your readers have expressed skepticism regarding the safety and efficacy of online dating. I did background checks on a few of the men I was interested in.”

Cheryl considers herself to be a ‘word nerd’—she has a collection of inspiring quotes she tries to live by. Example she provided:

“May I have the courage today to live the life that I would love, to postpone my dream no longer, but do at last what I came here for, and waste my heart on fear no more.” Author unknown.

Matt, 68 (three months younger than Cheryl), widower, one daughter living in her own home in same city as Matt, in the Upper Peninsula (U.P.) of Michigan. Using OK Cupid, Answered 400+ questions on OK Cupid questionnaire.

Getting to know a potential mate the correct way: a step-by-step process

Cheryl says, “When Matt and I were on OK Cupid in 2015, questionnaire answers were multiple choice, however, there was space to add comments to answers; Matt and I both did that on many questions.

“Answers were grouped by category, making it easy to check potential compatibility regarding issues such as religion, political views, etc., and there was a category that essentially identified ‘deal breakers,’ which was also very helpful in ‘weeding out’ potential partners.

“Hence, when we started communicating, we already knew quite a lot about each other.

“We progressed from on-site communication to email to phone calls to Skype-dating calls. Prior to giving him my email address, I Googled him and ran a basic background check.

“By the time we went on Skype, we had enjoyed nightly extended phone calls, often 2-3 hours! The Skype-dating calls were wonderful as you can see each other and enjoy facial reactions.

“In April 2016 (five months after initial contact), I flew to the U.P. to meet Matt in person, and, visit the U.P. for the first time. I stayed a week, at his apartment, which may have been somewhat ‘brazen’ of me, but even that short time living under the same roof increased our understanding of each other.

“In July 2016, Matt drove to my home in Ohio, stayed for two weeks, and met my family and friends. By then, we had fallen in love and decided we wanted to spend ‘the rest of the journey’ together, and I had decided to move to the U.P.

Relocating for senior love to begin a new life

Cheryl continued, “I moved from Ohio to the U.P. of Michigan in Sept. 2016 to be with him (11 months after first contact). It was a big decision, as I wanted Matt to have the opportunity to live close to his daughter when she married and had children. We moved into Matt’s home.

“I like the U.P. and have made a new life for myself here, joining a church, working part-time at an elementary school, and am boarding my horse at a wonderful facility where we are starting a non-profit program called ‘Hoofprints of Hope.’

“The goal is to provide equine experiences for at-risk kids. Matt has been involved as well offering business-planning advice gleaned from his experiences as a city manager and economic development specialist, and he is planning to do some grant writing for the organization.

“Regarding the cold weather (Tom had asked me about this), until this past winter, our weather wasn’t much colder than in Ohio. This past winter was exceptionally cold, but I put blankets on my horse–he’s in the barn at night–and I just layered-up! I’m REALLY hoping this winter isn’t as cold!

“I’m a graduate of Ohio State University. Tom also asked if there was an Ohio State vs. Michigan rivalry, as there is in football. We aren’t into football so that’s a non-issue.

“Matt, unfortunately, has dealt with several health issues including cancer in the three years that we’ve been together, but fortunately he is now cancer-free.

“I am still encouraging people to try online dating utilizing precautions such as background checks. If you want to be in a loving relationship you must make an effort to find it! It won’t find you!”

Keeping in touch with family and friends

Cheryl continued: “We return to Ohio to visit at least once a year, and my daughter and family visited us here in December 2017.

“Matt and I feel extraordinarily blessed to have found love with each other at our age–72 now! We know it would not have happened had we not taken a chance on the internet. We both feel the format of OK Cupid was instrumental in our finding each other.

“I learned much more about potential partners online than when meeting men in a social situation.

“I reported several obvious scammers during my online searches. Maybe Matt and I just got lucky, but before we met, I interacted/communicated online with several nice and genuine men.

“Hopefully, we can inspire others to search for and find love and happiness.

“My sister and I had parents who were married for 60 years, so a new woman in our dad’s life (after Mom passed) was quite a surprise! However, she was a lovely person who made Dad’s last three years very happy, and we remained close to her until she passed.

“Dad said, ‘Life is for the living,’ and his decision to seek happiness in his later years with a new partner was influential in my decision to do the same. In addition to finding happiness myself, I hope I have also set an example for my kids and grand kids of overcoming difficulties in life.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks to Cheryl, for so willingly sharing the “Matt and Cheryl” meeting. Six long-distance dating tips from this story:

Finding love after 50, 60, 70 or even 80 can happen, but it takes work, time and likely some money
Cheryl and Matt made the right moves: Putting themselves out there. Progressing to Skype-dating. Doing background checks. Meeting face-to-face within a year.
A willingness to relocate by at least one person
Acceptance of and dealing with complications as they arise—biggest one is usually health issues. Other issues could be money or children
Being close in age can help, but, isn’t mandatory
Having similar interests.

Reminder: The Senior Meet and Greet is this coming Thursday, June 27, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, CA 92629. 5 to 7 p.m. Beer and wine, $5 each. Complimentary appetizers. 949 412-9008. No need to RSVP

Tutor and Spunky’s – Dana Point California

Dry Your Eyes – McStay Family 9-year ordeal coming to an end

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 14, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

“Dry Your Eyes,” a nine-year ordeal coming to an end

This January, I wrote a column titled, “The McStay Family Deserves Closure.” In one way, it was easy for me to write, as I was closely acquainted with the people affected. In another way, it was difficult to write, as it was deeply personal to me.

That January article described an ordeal that the McStay Family—my ex-wife Susan and former stepson Mikey—have been through over the past nine years.

Background: While on a business trip to Dallas, Texas, in the mid-1980s, I met Susan McStay. In 1987, Susan and one of her sons, Mikey, moved to live with me in San Rafael, California. A few months later, her other son, Joey, joined us.

Six months after that, the four of us relocated to Dana Point in southern Orange County. She and I married later that year; we divorced in 1994.

On February 4, 2010, Joey, his second wife Summer, and their sons Gianni, 4, and Joseph Jr., 3, went missing from their Fallbrook, California home.

Five days later, their Isuzu Trooper was found abandoned in a strip mall parking lot near the Mexican border, giving the impression that their disappearance may have been voluntary, that perhaps they had decided to travel or move to Mexico without telling anybody.

But, that didn’t add up. Food was left on the dinner table, their beloved dogs had no food or water, and there was $80,000 in a bank account. And Joey would never have left without telling his mom.

The mystery of the family’s whereabouts lasted nearly four years. On November 13, 2013, an off-road motorcyclist noticed parts of a human skull in the Mojave Desert near Interstate 15 in Victorville, CA., and reported it to law enforcement. The four McStay bodies were found buried in two shallow graves. A sledgehammer was in one of the graves.

A year later, Nov. 5, 2014, Chase Merritt, a business partner of Joey’s, was arrested on suspicion of bludgeoning to death all four family members.

Another four years passed, until, January 7, 2019, when the trial finally began, which is when I wrote the “McStay Family Deserves Closure” article.

Keeping in touch with Mikey

Mikey, and his new wife, Gaylan, live in the North Beach area of San Clemente, near the McStay Memorial Bench, which is on a bluff overlooking the ocean at 1407 Buena Vista.

McStay Family names on Memorial Bench in San Clemente, California (photo by Tom Blake)

Mikey and I have touched base a few times during the last several months. Mikey phoned me in early June, saying the trial would end soon. He was upbeat.

The verdict was reached on Friday, June 7. However, it wasn’t revealed until 10 a.m., June 10. I wanted to hear the outcome the moment it was announced. I couldn’t get it on live TV, or online, so I turned on my car radio to KNX and sat outside our Dana Point home in the car until I heard the news. It’s the same home where Joey, Mikey, and Susan lived with me for six years.

After a nine-year ordeal and a five-month trial, a verdict was reached: Merritt was found guilty on four counts of first-degree murder. There remain many unanswered questions about the case, and now the sentencing phase is underway.

Did the verdict bring closure to the McStays? In a way, perhaps. But how will they ever forget what happened? Closure wasn’t the correct word to use in that article. According to a June 11 Los Angeles Times article, by Alene Tchekmedyian, as Susan left the court room, she mentioned to a woman, “It’s over.” So, maybe “over” would be a better word choice than closure.

After hearing the verdict Monday morning, I was in a fog most of the day. Although I hadn’t seen the McStays much in the years following the divorce, they had been a part of my life for six years. And I am the reason they moved to California, although years ago, shortly after the family disappeared, Susan told me emphatically not to think that way.

The lyrics, “…To those distant fallen angels, who descended much too soon,” from the song, “Dry Your Eyes,” co-written by Neil Diamond and Jaime Robertson in 1976, kept going through my mind on Monday. It’s a start-healing song, that was written after the 1960s assassinations of JFK, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy.

At a Hot August Night Neil Diamond concert at the Los Angeles Forum in 2017, one of Diamond’s last concerts, I videoed three minutes of him singing “Dry Your Eyes.” Greta and I were sitting in the balcony and I didn’t have my zoom on, but it’s still the best video of Diamond singing that song–and his band playing it–that I could find on YouTube. The band member playing the trumpet is outstanding. The link to the video is below.

You will notice in the upper right corner of the video, beginning about 35 seconds into it–there is a close-up screen of Diamond, and then at the 1:30 point of the video, the trumpet player appears and plays his solo also on that screen.

Now that the verdict is in, somewhat ending the nine-year ordeal that the McStay Family and Summer’s family have gone through, perhaps those family members will be able to start drying their eyes.

Link to my Dry Your Eyes video on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/riPIMKjYFWA

A reminder: the next Senior Meet and Greet will be Thursday, June 27, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, 5 to 7 p.m. I always enjoy meeting and getting to know our Champs who are able to attend.

Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Tom talking to seniors at Dana Point California Meet and Greet May 22 2019

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 31, 2019 – Keeping me focused – The next Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point California is Thursday, June 27, 2019

by columnist Tom Blake

Get it right, Tom

I received several comments about the singles Meet and Greet recap in last week’s eNewsletter. However, the most frequent comment wasn’t about THAT Meet and Greet, it was about the NEXT Meet and Greet. I wrote it would be Thursday, June 28.

About 20 Champs set me straight (in a cordial and respectful way). In 2019, there won’t be a Thursday, June 28. That Thursday is June 27. I stand humbly corrected.

And speaking of Meet and Greets, Randall emailed, “Tom, I’ve been advised that you have a singles group that meets at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point on a monthly basis. I know your reputation for being honest and would like to attend the next meeting.”

My response to Randy: “With this group of astute Champs, anything less than honesty would be exposed in a nanosecond.

“The May Meet and Greet at Tutor & Spunky’s Deli was the first one since I sold the deli in 2015. Turnout was great, about 100. We will continue to have them as long as senior singles in our area want them.”

I suggested Randy sign up for this On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter on FindingLoveafter50.com, so he can be updated on upcoming events and singles information that I consider important, interesting (and honest!).

Romance Scam alert

Randy’s “being honest” comment leads me into a story of someone who wasn’t honest. I’m sharing it today because I never want any of our Champs to be scammed out of money, assets, self-respect, or anything.

I read an article written by Faith Karimi that appeared on CNN on May 24. A woman from Georgia was swindled out of $80,000 by a young scammer. I couldn’t determine from the article the age of the woman but was shocked that she was so naïve and foolish that she gave the man the money after one week of dating.

Here are some of the excerpts from the CNN.com article:

“John Martin Hill, 35, connected with the woman…on Match.com in late March…Hill took the woman out on a date the same day they met (online), and the two agreed to get married a week later… (I thought to myself—you must be kidding–she met him in person on the same day first contact was made, without checking him out, and, agreed to marry him in a week?).

“He told the woman he’s a millionaire, and they decided to invest in a love nest. The woman gave her now fiancé $80,000 (cash) to help with the home’s purchase…

“During their short romance, he convinced her that they were in love and wanted to buy a house together…When he got the money, he cut all contact with the woman… (shocking, I know).

“The man lived with another woman and a child in Duluth, Georgia — and he’s wanted in Virginia, Delaware, Maryland and New Jersey for similar scams, authorities said.

“Since then, several women have come forward and said they were in a relationship with him, or, knew women who were. Hill has changed his name at least five times in two and a half years, police said.

“Police arrested him Wednesday at a hotel in Franklin, Tennessee…”

The CNN story also stated, “’By sharing this story, it is our hope that he is not able to victimize any other women using this scam,’ Gwinnett County Police said in a statement. ‘These types of con men are very good at manipulating their victims. They tend to say everything that a woman wants to hear.’”

Emphasis on sentence above: they tend to say everything a woman wants to hear.

Apparently, Hill has used several aliases including Gregory Hill and has scammed women in several states. He’s behind bars now, and it seems he will be for years to come. He was busted in 2012 but was still able to operate scams since then.

How anyone could be so naïve is beyond comprehension. However, it happened to women in several states. Wow.

Link to that article:

https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/24/us/georgia-alleged-romance-con-artist-trnd/

In fairness to Match.com…

I don’t want to give the impression that all Internet dating sites are bad, and I’m not singling out Match.com. I am merely re-emphasizing that one must be careful when meeting strangers online or anywhere.

This week, Don, one of our Champs, wrote to say he would attend the next Meet and Greet. Don said, “I met the perfect lady for me on Match.com a little over a year ago and she seems to think I am the perfect man for her. Edie is 73 and I am 78 and we are doing great.”

Meetup.com is not a dating site, but here’s why it’s a good option for meeting people…

Vicki wrote, “I’m 70. Widowed 5 years. I loved being married and though I don’t want marriage at my age, I do want a companion. I’ve been lucky and I’ve dated a lot.

“I’m a determined lady and I’ve used all the dating sites (and I took dating seriously) and I’ve had horror stories, but I’ve also met some ‘ok men,’ just never ‘my man.’ I always picked men that were 3 or 4 years younger; I’m an on-the-go, fun, lady who attracts younger men, men who also like to get out and have fun).

“I’ve always turned down dates from anyone younger than 3 or 4 years. Even though I’ve always been told I do not look my age, I never strayed from that age range because I was brought up that women date their age or older.

“As for the you-look-younger line I hear, people say that to be nice and your age is going to come up sooner than later when you date, and I’m a bad liar. I always told the truth about my age and ignored the invites from the 50s + group.

“I joined a fun Meetup.com group–single and 55+ was the requirement. I recommend Meetup.com to meet men vs. online dating. Of course, more women than men are in this group, but lucky me, an attractive man 10-years-younger, took a liking to me.

“We went out, he knew my age, he didn’t care! I wrestled with the age differences until I realized how much fun I was having with him, and guess what? We are now companions, spend at least 4 or 5 nights a week together, have gone on two trips and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship!

“My new advice for all daters over 55 is just go for it, enjoy every minute you have and forget age, be honest and if they don’t care, you don’t care! You are as young as you feel and when anyone asks my age I now say, ‘I’m old enough to know better than to answer that, and young enough not to care that you asked!’ Then I wink! It usually gets a laugh!”

Memorial Day Ceremony and Flower Drop at the Palm Springs Air Museum…

A P-51 Mustang participated in the Flower Drop flyover. This plane was flown by the Tuskegee Air Men

Greta and I were in Palm Springs on Memorial Day. We decided to attend the 22nd Annual Flower Drop & Air Fair at the Palm Springs Air Museum, known as one of the best air museums in the world. As a Navy veteran, Memorial Day means a lot to me. I wrote about our incredible day there, and included several pictures and videos. If interested, go to http://www.TravelAfter55.com. The home page will open on the story. That is the same website with all of our travel adventures on it.

Reminder: The next Meet and Greet is Thursday, June 27, 2019, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, CA. 5 to 7 p.m.

Where the single senior men are

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2019 – Where the single senior men are
by Columnist Tom Blake

In 1961, Connie Francis had a popular song called, “Where the Boys Are,” which was the song track for a movie of the same name. In the song, she sang, “…Where the boys are, my true love will be. He’s walkin’ down some street in town and I know he’s lookin’ there for me…”

Connie Francis “Where The Boys Are” Album Cover

Thirty-three years later, in 1994, my first column was published, inspired by a surprise divorce. By then, those boys Connie sang about were men, and women started asking me “Where are the single senior men?” And there were times back then when I wondered where the women near my age were.

As readers have aged along with me during the ensuring quarter century, “Where are the men?” remains the most frequently asked question I hear. If anything, I hear it more often now and there’s a reason for that. The ratio of single women to single men keeps getting larger.

Where are the men? She’s looked everywhere (including under a pile of rocks)

For years, I’ve written and stated that the ratio was in the neighborhood of two-to-three to one.

When I saw this week that the Census Bureau recently published some new statistics on the 65-and-older population, I decided to see if I could get an accurate updated ratio of single women to single men.

The study was conducted in 2016 with a sample size of 3.5 million households across the USA and Puerto Rico. Every county in the nation was included. The numbers listed were estimates based on the sample size.

I analyzed the 25-page report to see if it provided information that would be of interest or helpful to our Champs.

First off, there were 49.2 million people in 2016, age 65 and older.

Women outnumbered men, 27.4 million to 21.8 million. The survey broke down the information into three age groups: 65 to 74; 75 to 84; and, 85 and older.

In the 85 and older group, there were just 6.3 million people, which included 2.2 million men, about a million of whom were single.

The survey revealed that widows outnumbered widowers by three to one, although in the 85 and older category, the ratio is two to one. It’s hard for a widow to find a widower to date at that older age.

Let’s look at the number of non-married senior women and men in the USA in each age category and the ratio of women to men.

65 to 74 – 6.8 million non-married women, 3.8 million men = ratio 1.8 to one

75 to 84 – 4.9 million non-married women, 1.8 million men = ratio 2.7 to one

85 & up – 3.5 million non-married women, 1.0 million men = ratio 3.5 to one

Those ratios don’t seem as bad as I thought. However, when you consider that many of those men included are in a relationship, or don’t want to be in a relationship, or never married, or aren’t “relationship material,” as some women point out, the realistic ratios are much larger. So, how many eligible guys are left? It’s Slim Pickins! And, the older people get, the slimmer the pickins’ become.

By age 85, 72 percent of the women were widowed.

So, when women say to me, “What’s wrong with me? I can’t meet a nice man.” The answer simply is, “There is nothing wrong with you, numbers don’t lie. There just aren’t that many older men available.

Other tidbits from the study

1 Labor Force – For 65 and older, 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women were in the labor force. Trends showed the number of people 65+ in the workforce is increasing, especially in the 65 to 74 age category. For 85 and older, 3.7 percent of men and 1.5 percent of the women are still working.

Women worked more in the service and sales and office sectors. Men worked more in production, transportation, construction and maintenance sectors.

2 Caregiving – The study revealed a surprising number of older grandparents (27 percent for people in age 65-74 category) who provided care for their co-resident grandchildren. This can also affect the dating situation. Many caregivers don’t have time to date and possible mates might be reluctant to get involved.

3 Disabilities – can affect dating. The study states, “The proportion of the older population with some disability increased with age.” Heck, we all know that.

Forty-eight percent of people 85 and above have serious difficulty walking or climbing stairs, so single level residences become more important to them.

4 Income – The study stated, “The most common type of household income received in the past 12 months (2016) among the 65 and older population was Social Security (90 percent).

So, it’s not just stats, ratios and numbers that reveal why dating as we age is tough. Other factors described above figured in. But, let us not forget that there still are many, many couples who meet and become committed after age 50 and 60.

Keep in mind that these stats and numbers were estimates from the 2016 survey, but, as they say, they are close enough for government work.

Too bad, 58 years after Connie Francis sang “Where the Boys Are,” we can’t get her to sing a new song: “Where the Men Are.” She is 80 years old; her song would be an inspiration to many of our Champs.

Link to Where The Boys Are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41_jI3vsuyE

A reminder : there will be a Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, this coming Wednesday, May 22 from 5 to 7 p.m. Greta and I will be there to say hello. Complimentary appetizers and $3 wine and beer. Telephone 949 248-9008.

Stuck in a senior relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 9, 2019 – Is this woman stuck in a senior relationship with an unappreciative man?

by Tom Blake Columnist

There are two parts to this week’s e-Newsletter

Part One – A week ago, one of the Finding Love After 50 Facebook group members posted her frustration with her relationship on Facebook, which meant any of the 519 members could read it and comment.

The Finding Love After 50 Facebook group is a “closed” group, meaning I must approve of anyone who wants to join. I screen applicants thoroughly to protect our members from people with evil intentions or people who reveal nothing about themselves.

The woman member posted this message, saying she just needed to vent:

“Will I ever find love with a nice guy? A guy who cares about me as much as he does by impressing other women.

“I’ve been with a man for a while, who every time he goes outside to ‘work in the yard,’ ends up instead chatting for super long periods of time with the single female neighbors. He never cleans inside the house. That’s not his job, you see.”

She added a few more details about his chatting up neighborhood women. I condensed her comments for the sake of brevity.

Several group members responded. Here are a few snippets of what was said:

Lisa, “Don’t waste any more time with him. Time to move on…”

Michelle, “Stop wasting time on this loser and work on your self-respect.”

David, “…I do not know what the arrangements are for mortgage, rental monthly payments but this man is what I would call ‘slippery Slime’…I would not trust him…I would bid him goodbye…”

Robbie, “He feels he is more superior than you…the word is impertinent. You need to get some Cajones and MOVE ON.”

Brenda, “Typical loser.”

Carol, “…I was married to someone like that. Time to hit the road…We always think they will get better, but they seldom do. We are wasting precious time and energy.”

David (again), “…You are wasting your time on this child…time for you to make a change in your life ASAP…”

John, “Agree with David. No one deserves to live with such a person…”

Jeanie, “Loser is not worth your time…”

Tom’s thoughts on this woman’s situation

I don’t get too involved in the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group. I prefer to let the members interact and comment back and forth with each other. If I see a post that I think is not pertinent to the group, or a blatant promotion, I delete it. I also delete posts when a group member posts incessantly (when someone does that, he or she needs their own personal Facebook page).

But, in this situation, I felt I didn’t know enough about the living arrangement, relationship details, and understanding between the woman and the man. “I’ve been with this guy for a while,” didn’t tell us for how long.

So, I posted, “What is the living arrangement with this man? Is it your home, his home, or a shared rental property? Who pays for what? I ask, wondering if you are stuck in a senior relationship situation and moving on would be financially a burden or not even possible. That doesn’t make his behavior acceptable. What are your options?”

And then the plot thickened

She posted, “We both own the home, but I am currently out of work and have some disabilities that have made it difficult. However, I am looking for a full-time job. I have no income; therefore, I am reliant on him. It’s not acceptable. I’m working on moving on.”

I posted, “What happens if one wants to sell and one doesn’t?”

She posted, “I have broached that subject several times. We are at a stalemate. My feeling is, I would move out and he would buy me out. You can’t buy a house in our town for less than $500,000. And he is older. I love our house. Just not living with him this way.”

Bottom line: I don’t know enough about this situation to truly understand what is going on. Maybe she will post more information that might clarify things. I think she is aimed in the right direction by going back to work, but, if she’s been with this guy for 11 years (as I think she has, having found an email from her from then), and there have been problems all along, I don’t see her able to bail out anytime soon.

And we don’t know about him, other than what she reported. He may be a really decent guy–perhaps feeling he’s stuck in a senior relationship. Who knows?

Let’s hope she gets a full-time job and can sell her portion of the home to him. Then, maybe she can move on. But, now, she’s 59. It’s tougher at that age to start over. Let’s hope she keeps us informed and God bless her and good luck.

Message for younger people from Tom

Most of our Champs are in their 50s-80s. A few readers are in their 40s. There is a message in today’s article that might be worth sharing with the younger generation—the children or grand children of Champs.

The lesson to share with younger people: Particularly for women, starting as early as their 30s and 40s, they’ve got to take steps to set themselves up financially, to position themselves for the later years. That becomes very difficult for stay-at-home moms who rely on a spouse’s or a mate’s income.

Waiting until you’re 50 or 60 to start getting your later-years finances in order may be too late.

Questions to ask the kids might include, “Do you have enough hours of working to qualify for Social Security?” If not, get to work. This is critical for the later years, when getting a job may not be easy.

And how about being covered by health insurance? Especially if children are part of the mix.

Don’t get stuck, as I assume the woman in today’s story is, from what she told us about her not earning an income. I’m guessing she has no leverage with this man and perhaps he feels he can do what he wants.

I hope for her that things will improve, that the guy will change. In a way, he is helping her (she has a roof over her head), but he sounds self-absorbed.

If younger people think that starting to build financial security in one’s 40s is difficult, it only gets harder once age 50 and beyond is reached.

Part 2 – Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point CA May 22

A reminder to Champs who live in Southern California. On Wednesday, May 22, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., the new, enthusiastic owners of Tutor And Spunky’s are going to resurrect the Senior Singles Meet and Greets that were so popular five – seven years ago. Greta and I are honored that new owners Samantha and Elena have asked us to host the event.

Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s a few years back

However, this event isn’t going to be for single seniors only. We’d like all Champs…single, married or in relationships…whatever… to join us.

There is no charge. Appetizers will be served, and beer and wine will be only three bucks a pop.

It will be fun to put faces with names. We’ll take photos for the e-Newsletter. Email me if you think you might attend.

Tutor and Spunky’s Deli is located at 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, 92629. Telephone: 949 248-9008.

Like A Rock

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 3, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

There are two parts to today’s e-Newsletter

Part 1 – Like A Rock

This past Saturday evening, while sitting at our desks in the downstairs office at home, Greta (my life partner)…out of the blue…said to me, “Do you realize we’ve been together for 20 years?” Her comment hit me like a rock.

Of course, I knew we’d been together for 20 years, but when she said it out loud, at that moment, it got me thinking about those 20 years and how fortunate we were to have met each other when we did.

And whenever I hear the words “20 years,” I always think of the great Bob Seger song, “Like A Rock,” because of a verse in the song that begins with the words, “Twenty years now, where’d they go.”

I imagine nearly all Champs recognize, “Like A Rock.” For years, it was the background music for the Chevy truck commercials.

And if you grew up in Michigan, as I did, you for sure knew who Bob Seger was. He was born in Lincoln Park, a Detroit suburb, and attended Ann Arbor High School. He was close to our age (he’ll be 74, Monday, May 6) so he represented our generation.

Greta continued talking, as if in a stream of consciousness, her thoughts just kept rolling along:

She said, “When I met you, I was 57, you were 59. I’d just gone through a tough divorce five years before. Didn’t want to date although I’d had a few dates. Walked in the neighborhood or on the beach alone…Mostly worked, teaching special needs children, plus four nights per week, home-taught severe special needs children…felt like I was doing something important. It took all my time. Thought my dating life was over. How wrong I was.”

She paused, smiled and then continued, “I never dreamed when I went into Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, on June 24, 1998, and ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice, that my life was about to change. You walked around the counter and said, ‘Would you like to have dinner with me?’ Wow, what an incredible 20 years it’s been.”

I interjected, saying, “The key to our happiness…in my opinion…is our thoughtfulness toward each other. We’ve shared homes, travel…lots of it…and families. As of two weeks ago, you were blessed with a fourth great grandchild. We’ve shared each other’s retirements. We’ve shared sad times, losing friends and family members. And now, we’re sharing growing old together. How blessed we’ve been.”

At that point, I went to You Tube on my computer, pulled up Like A Rock, and turned the volume high. We toasted to it, with a glass of our favorite Chardonnay, Kendall Jackson Grand Reserve, the same wine we both ordered on our first date June 27, 1998, at the Claim Jumper restaurant on La Paz in Laguna Niguel (California).

Here are the words to that 20-years verse from Like A Rock:

“Twenty years now, where’d they go. Twenty years, I don’t know.
Sit and wonder sometimes, where they’ve gone
And sometimes late at night
When I’m bathed in the firelight
The moon comes callin’ a ghostly white
And I recall
I recall
Like a rock, standin’ arrow straight
Like a rock, chargin’ from the gate
Like a rock, carryin’ the weight
Like a rock
Like a rock
The sun upon my skin
Like a rock
Hard against the wind
Like a rock
I see myself again
Like a rock
Oh, like a rock!”

(Link to “Like A Rock” at end of today’s article)

At the end of the song, I looked at the office shelves that hold photos of many of our 20-year memories together. I pointed to a picture of Greta that I had taken at an AARP convention in 2010, and said, “That photo is my favorite picture of you.”

The photo shows Greta and Maya Angelo, seconds after Greta had given her a copy of “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50,” a book I had just published, that Maya is holding in her hands.

Maya Angelo smiling at Greta while holding “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” Greta was thrilled, as you can tell by the grin on her face

Then I said to Greta, “I wonder if our Champs feel the same way about their last 20 years? I imagine, some do, some don’t.”

As a coincidence, Champ Chris emailed three days later, “I am now 85; Tina and I have been together for 15 years. It’s amazing how fast time flies.”

Regardless of how we feel about our last 15 or 20 years, we must make the best of our remaining years. We’ve got to keep moving, we’ve got to stay active, we’ve got to interact with our friends and family, regardless of what fate deals us.

We’ve got to be: like a rock.

Part 2 – So Cal Senior singles gathering – May 22

Just a heads up to Champs who live in southern California. On Wednesday, May 22, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., the new, enthusiastic owners of Tutor And Spunky’s are going to resurrect the Senior Singles Meet and Greets that were so popular five – seven years ago. Greta and I are honored that Samantha and Elena have asked us to host the event.

Tom, new owner Samantha, 19-year employee Debbie Pachyn, and new owner Elena at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli April 22, 2019

However, this event isn’t going to be for single seniors only. We’d like all Champs…single, married or in relationships…whatever… to join us.

There is no charge. Appetizers will be served, and beer and wine will be only three bucks a pop.

It will be fun to put faces with names. We’ll take photos for the e-Newsletter. Email me if you think you might attend.

Tutor and Spunky’s is located at 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, 92629. Telephone: 949 248-9008.

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Link to Bob Seger singing “Like A Rock (I suggest click on full screen; turn volume up):”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b4cW9sx47A

Senior seeks dating advice at Dana Point deli

Customer service: a senior seeks dating advice at Dana Point’s Tutor & Spunky’s deli

By columnist Tom Blake

When I owned Tutor & Spunky’s Deli on Coast Highway, in Dana Point, California, for 25 years, it became a meeting and gathering place for older singles. One reason that happened was the deli sponsored a “Meet and Greet for singles age 50+” one night each month.

I know of at least 20 couples who met at those events and it pleases me to know many of them remain together years later.

I sold the deli four years ago to Jim and Shelley Mouzakis, who have continued operating it as a popular, locals, place to eat.

Tutor and Spunky’s Deli has won the “People’s Choice Golden Lantern Award” for “Best Sandwich” in the Dana Point Times’ Best of Dana Point Magazine 10 years in a row, including 2019.

I believe one of the key reasons for winning the Golden Lantern award is that employees Teresa (30 years), Debbie (20 years) and Sandy (17 years) are still working there. They were among my favorite and most loyal employees.

Great employees Teresa and Debbie — Teresa and Debbie at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, California in 2004

Last week, I received a text from Debbie. She wrote: “A man by the name of Ray asked about the age 50+ singles group that you and Greta hosted here at the deli before you retired. He asked if any of the singles from that group still come here.

“He wanted your telephone number to find out information about other singles’ groups that meet in south Orange County. Here is his phone number,” (which Debbie provided).

I texted Debbie, “Thanks, Deb, you have always been so thoughtful and considerate of customers, always helping them. How old do you think Ray is?”

Always being the diplomat, Debbie responded, “He is older–guessing late 70s, maybe 80. He seemed very eager to find a new lady friend. He took his girlfriend of 13 years to a community center Valentine’s Day party, but something happened, she is no longer his girlfriend.

“He was looking for a place where older singles hang out and knew you could help him. He will be happy to hear from you.”

Thinking that Ray must be very sad, or, he can’t cope being alone–after all, it was just five days since Valentine’s Day—I phoned him and left a message that I’d be happy to talk to him. I feel bad when older couples lose a mate and one or both are desperate to immediately meet someone new.

I was prepared to tell Ray to take a deep breath, think about what happened, and not be so eager to rush out and replace his girlfriend. Also, that there is no place of which I’m aware in south Orange County–or anywhere for that matter–where older men go to hang out to meet older women close to their age. Places like that don’t exist.

Ray called me back on Friday, February 22, leaving this message:

“The reason I called you: I was a single. My woman-friend and I broke up after Valentine’s Day. I was looking for a place where older singles hang out and knew you could help me.

“But, she and I are attached again. That’s just how it is with women: one day it’s one way; the next day it’s another.

“We are happy now, but if it happens again, I will call you. Thank you.”

Some older men can’t handle being alone, not even for a few days. They rush into a new romance, and after a while, realize they weren’t prepared mentally for a new relationship. The result: they often end up breaking the new woman’s heart. Not good.

I didn’t find out what transpired in Ray’s case—why they broke up or why they got back together—he didn’t say.

I notified Debbie that Ray was already back with his girlfriend.

Debbie’s reply: “How funny. Oh well, we gave him the best customer service we could provide. I wish him success.”

Perhaps, in 2020, the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch “Best Of” Magazines will add a new awards category: Best restaurant to dispense senior dating advice.

A version of this article appeared March 1, 2019 in

and the February 28, 2019, San Clemente Times

http://www.sanclementetimes.com/life-love-50-senior-seeks-dating-advice-dana-point-deli/ San Clemente Times