Revisting Alzheimer’s and Dating

NL APRIL 24, 2026

On Life and Life After 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

RESPONSES TO HOPE LIVES ON

Last week, I wrote about Ann and Ben again. They represent a difficult, heart-wrenching issue seniors sometimes face: Dating when one of the couple’s spouses has severe dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease.

Previously, when we wrote about Ann and Ben’s first meeting a couple of years ago, most people disapproved of their relationship. But last week, Ann updated the situation and the responses were much more sympathetic to the couple continuing to see each other once per week or so.

Here are 12 responses (11 from women; one from a man):

Wayne shared, “Ann might want to ask Ben what his intentions are once his wife passes. Some need a mourning period after a loved one passes while others are ready to resume dating right away. I think she deserves an answer so she can prepare herself; it will also flush out how strong his feelings are towards Ann.

Francine said, “I’d like to put in my two cents. Ben is in a very stressful situation with his wife still living in the same home and ill with dementia. Of course, his first thought should be her.

“Having broken a date with Ann and then waiting for a few months to get back in touch with her, I would not trust him. I think he just needs someone to help fill the void in his life.

“I’ve had three men break off during the initial dating…married 2 and it ended in divorce. Now…my experience is not hers. Being teenagers and holding hands? Meeting once a week? You can’t build a relationship on that…there needs to be more intimacy.

“I’d suggest that Ann ask Ben that when his wife passes away, what are his plans for him and Ann? I’d be outspoken and direct. Unfortunately, both men and women can string you along, and have no problem walking away as you are simply the ‘interim’ person.

“I’m never a doom and gloom person but I’ve met way too many men. Plus, Ben’s wife might live for a long time. What would be Ben’s plans to advance his and Ann’s relationship further should that happen.

“We are not teenagers and our time on earth is limited as well. If Ann stays with Ben along this same road, I’d suggest she also date other men.”

Pat added, “Love is hard to find in any form. Ann and Ben seemed to have found a way to care for and love each other.  It is not our place to judge. I wish them well and that someday they can truly spend quality time together! 

“I believe in this “Love everyone…I will sort them out later. God”

Belinda, emailed, “Thanks for sharing Ann and Ben’s story. 

“I know there will be many Champs who disagree with me, but I think Ann and Ben have EVERY RIGHT to find their happiness where they can at this late stage of life — assuming that Ben’s wife is provided for, whether that be by him, or in a quality care facility.  HE IS STILL ALIVE, HIS LIFE GOES ON.

“When a loved one is incapacitated to the point where they are not going to get well and come back to normal brain functioning, that door is closed for their spouse or partner. Regardless of Ben providing great care for his wife, she is NOT going to get better over time.

“Why should the competent and still-able partner suffer along with them, giving up many years, even decades of what could’ve been the best time of their life?

“I think Ann and Ben are lucky to have found one another, and they obviously have a loving bond.

“Think about this, too: the bond Ben has with Ann is probably one of the major things in his life that pulls him through this time emotionally and mentally, giving him something to look forward to and YES, a reason for living, staying healthy, and being better able to manage his complicated situation.

“As Seniors, this is our time in life, the one we worked for so very hard over many years. Everyone deserves to be as happy as their situation allows. Ben is responsible and respectful when he’s with his wife and he provides her with loving care, as I’m sure he will continue to do for the remainder of her life. 

“He’s also deserving of his own happiness and his own future. 

I think Ann and Ben are doing JUST FINE. 

Thyrza, “My heart goes out for both of them. I believe Ann can have a platonic but loving relationship with Ben. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t feel bad nurturing such a relationship.”

Jan added, “Ann, take all you can get. Life’s too short to be alone. I have friends with Alzheimer’s and most of the time they’re not here anymore. Why should the husband be miserable? Enjoy every precious moment together.”

Kaitte, “I’ve worked with Alzheimer clients. It’s hard, a no joke situation. Having an outside relationship is healthier for the one left behind. Isolation and loneliness are not mentally or physically healthy. Ben does the best he can by lovingly caring for his wife. This situation gives him the support and love to be able to cope with it. And, it keeps him sane. 

Carolyn, “Oh My! I absolutely appreciate this most looked forward to eNewsletter from you Tom. What a quandary Ann is in right now!  It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. If Ben’s wife was not living in the same home where he lives, it would be a much better outcome for both Ann and Ben.

“Ben is ridden by guilt because after his lovely day with Ann, he has to go back home and see his still living but Alzheimer’s ridden wife. This situation is not a healthy one for sure. Ann is somewhat in a holding pattern waiting for the demise of Ben’s wife. This is not healthy for either of these lovely people. They are both caught between a rock and a hard place.

“Tom, what are your thoughts on this situation? Ann has so much more life to live with someone who would be present for her all the time.  There are no guarantees in life, however, we can control the situations that we become involved in. Ann has become Ben’s therapist and sidepiece! It’s definitely not good for Ann!

“Thank you for always keeping the Champs up to date on these most thought-provoking issues!  Whew!  This is certainly a tough one indeed!” 

S (a woman Champ), stated, “Has Anne verified that the wife indeed has Alzheimer’s? If true and advanced, I see nothing wrong with the relationship.”

Lynn, “What happened to ‘in sickness and in health, until death do us part?”

“I wonder how Ann or Ben would feel if they were the spouse in the care center?

“I’m confused, is this an on-line dating story? It seems to me that Ben likely misrepresented himself and Ann let herself be swept in?

Tom’s comment. Lynn, that isn’t what happened. Ben didn’t know Ann. He told a neighbor he was lonely. He did not misrepresent himself. He told Ann about his situation. Ann was lonely and yes allowed herself to fall in love, as so many of us have ‘allowed ourselves’ to do in our lives, when we’ve met someone, we were attracted to.

To comment on Lynn’s statement below, Ben treats his wife amazingly well dealing with her 10 years of dementia, with 24/7 caregivers.

Lynn continued, “Ann refers to Ben asking to end the relationship as a ‘one-day setback’, like he missed taking the trash out once. He clearly asked for an end to the relationship!

“I’m sure Ann can and will do what she wants to do, but this Tom catting (no pun intended) around is ridiculous. I for one am NOT buying what Ben is selling! In the event these two continue to carry on this relationship, does Ann think Ben will not treat her the way he is treating his current wife?

“WOW…that was a jaw dropper!”

New. “I don’t see anything wrong with Ann deciding to be with this man knowing all his story; he sounds like a real good man and taking care of his wife through all her bad health is commended.

 Virgina shared: Today people live longer. The marriage vow, “till death do us part” can be a cruel punishment. If one mate no longer has mental capacities to recognize and interact with a life mate, maybe we should take a good hard look at that vow, so it is adjusted to today’s longevity and health issues. Various religious beliefs and certain ancient rules and laws need to change with the times. 

Hope Lives On

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

April 17, 2026

Columnist Tom Blake

On January 10, 2025, the eNewsletter was titled, “False Hope.” It was about a Champ named Ann, not her true name, who wrote that she had met a man named Ben (name changed also) whose wife had had Alzheimer’s Disease for 10 years.Ben’s wife still lived at home under his care. On Christmas Day, 2024, Ben contacted Ann and they met for a glass of wine that day and found they were attracted to each other, especially Ann attracted to Ben.

Ann emailed me often in early 2025 about her encounters with Ben. On May 26, 2025, Ann emailed me, “I heard from Ben on Mother’s Day, remember him with the Alzheimer wife? He lovingly wished me happy Mother’s Day and, of course, I was over the moon.

The next eNewsletter, January 17, 2025 (Both eNewsletters can be read on my FindingLoveAfter50.com website, featured 22 responses from Champs about the brief encounter Ann had with Ben. Almost all responses felt Ben was cheating on his wife and Ann was totally out of line.

“I thanked him and said I thought of him and hoped he was well. He also texted me on Easter, this coming from a man who wanted the door closed. I responded.

Last week, she emailed again.


“I have no idea how his wife is doing, apparently, she’s still here and things might be the same. I think you know how I feel about Ben; he is still the one for me.”

“Then, in the evening he responded to my text and said he also thought of me and here comes the next thing that sent me shivers, he said maybe someday we can go out for dinner.

Ann emailed me several times in 2025 and early 2026, always writing about Ben.

“I have been seeing Ben, I believe I wrote you after he bailed again but I did not follow up with what happened after. The next day, after the breakup, he texted me, it was heartbreaking to read how he poured out his heart.


“He said he didn’t know what had come over him, that life was so stressful with his wife still alive, but lovingly taken care every day and night.


“Ben said he had deep feelings for me and didn’t want to lose me, could I please forgive him and could we talk. We did and got some things straightened out; I felt more understanding as this continues to be a difficult situation for us both.


“Ben tries hard to include me in his life; he has a very busy business plus he visits his wife (living separately in their home) a couple of times a day.


“He obviously loves her and makes sure she has every comfort possible; I love that about him as well as other things. You know Tom, I have loved Ben for over a year, and I believe he had strong feelings about me and decided last Christmas to visit me again.

“Tom, there is never a guarantee in life, not for me, not for you or anyone for that matter.


“I believe I told you about our reunion, we just flew into each other’s arms after 10 months and almost cried with joy.
He had that little one-day setback but promised to never hurt me again.


“Ben has been loving and considerate since, we have gone out to dinner, to lunch and we see each other once a week, sometimes like this week, twice for lunch.


“We visit each other’s homes, and I feel comfortable in his house.
He holds my hand during lunch, kisses me frequently and thinks I am eye candy, a cute expression he uses.


“As I mentioned, it’s not ideal, I want to see more of him but know the limits, don’t want to push it and let him talk about his pain, (his wife and both daughters he lost a few years ago).


“It now has been almost three months of being together, I know he loves me and I am loving him.


“I am older now, it feels right to be with Ben and one day, we can spend more time together once his wife is no longer with us.
I am grateful for this love.”

A Remarkable Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 27, 2026
By Columnist Tom Blake
 A Remarkable Woman Champ

I’ve often stated that Champs amaze me. This week’s Champ story adds to that feeling. Here’s why.

An email arrived in my inbox a week ago on Wednesday, March 18, 2026. The woman requested I not use her true name, so, I will call her Molly. It read, “Thank you, Tom, for honoring a promise you made to me. If you think it might lighten Jack’s burden, please do let him read my post.” (I didn’t recall that I had made a promise to Molly almost three years ago).

Molly continued, “At present, I’ve gotten older (96 years old), and lost all family and most friends. It’s a very lonely life. I’ve moved to a lovely condo by the beach. Trying to make some more friends. “Tell Jack there are many more women out there, better, more caring, and lonely too.

“Jack should have learned a lot by now about how to protect himself against money-hungry women. There are also money-hungry men. I would never ask anyone to sign anything.

“Before my fiancé passed, he wanted to leave all of his estate to me. I refused it. I didn’t want it. But I had no choice. He saw a lawyer without me knowing. And left me some things. I’ve treasured them. “I’m so sorry, Jack got tangled up with that woman.

“If I can help in any way, please let me know. Maybe my talking with Jack could help relieve his burden.”

I was beyond perplexed by Molly’s email. I had no idea who Molly was or what she was talking about. Not a clue. What promise did I make to her and when? How did I honor that promise?I didn’t know we had a 96-year-old Champ, and who the hell was the Jack she referred to?

On my Gmail account, I used the email search tool that archives previous emails and typed in Molly’s email address, which appeared in her March 16, 2026, email. The article was about Jack (not his real name), a Champ, who had made several dating mistakes when he was involved in a long-term, living-together, non-marriage relationship.

“There were a lot of financial mistakes made along the way, as well as others, but the most egregious one was his believing she would be there for him, “for richer, for poorer, and in sickness and health.”

“When Jack became seriously ill, and ended up in the hospital for a week, two weeks later she bolted! Jack was devastated. It was this scenario that Molly wanted to address. Now, almost three years later, she wrote to say that if her story would help to lighten Jack’s burden, I could now share it.

The mystery started to unravel. My Gmail archive showed that Molly had sent me an email on Jul 21, 2023, at 9:04 p.m. Earlier that day, I had published an eNewsletter titled “Love is Blind. A Senior Man Ignored Relationship Warning Signals.”

The topic was mainly about a Champ named Jack, whose relationship blunders affected his relationship. Plus, I included some details of my third marriage, in which I made relationship mistakes as well.

Molly’s July 21, 2023, email stated:

“I read your eNewsletter today and thought to myself, it could have happened to me. I’m sorry that happened to both you and Jack.

“Years ago, I lost my husband of 45 years to pancreatic cancer. We had a good marriage.

“After that, I met a psychologist recommended by my friend in New York while visiting her. She asked him to come over to help me with the loss. He stopped by and was very kind and quite intelligent.Spoke with me for hours. I had to return to California after being away for a few weeks. He kept in touch with me daily. He helped a lot. Stopped my crying and depression. This treatment went on for months. 

“He mentioned how bad the ice and snow were in upstate NY. I invited him to come to sunny CA. He accepted. We got more acquainted. He told me he would never marry again. He had two very bad marriages.

“He decided he liked me and asked if we could get closer. I wasn’t quite ready. He would wait. After a few more months, he asked again. He suggested we live in NY for the summers, and spend winters in CA.

“This went on for years. We had many differences. He was a Democrat; I became a Republican. Small stuff. But then he wanted to get married. I didn’t. He got Alzheimer’s. I told him that I would help in every way possible if he could move here; I would take good care of him. We had been together for 16 years by that time. His family wanted no part of him. 

“I went back to NY and helped him dispose of everything that wasn’t necessary. Brought him back to live here with me. Within a year, he got much worse. He had to be in a nursing home full-time. I had promised I would take care of him, and I kept my word because I truly cared for him. He passed away after another three years. I went to the nursing home every day.

“I took care of the burial; his family didn’t even want to talk with him when they could’ve. It broke my heart watching him decline. I’m thankful for knowing him for over twenty years.

“How anyone could just walk out on anyone sick and needy is a sin on their soul.

“Please don’t publish this email. I just felt you and your friend Jack should realize there are honest, dependable and loving women around. You must look at them with open eyes, before getting too involved.”

I emailed Molly back that same 2023 day. I wrote, “Thank you, Molly. A very touching story. You are an angel. I will honor your wishes and not publish your story.”

Checking the archives answered my questions listed above about why Molly emailed me last week. Yes, this Champ amazes me. She’s 96 and is willing to reach out now to a man I wrote about nearly three years ago. What a wonderful gesture

Molly. You amaze me.

Why Tom Needs a Break

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 13, 2026
by Columnist Tom Blake
Last Friday, the eNewsletter featured Debbie in an Ask The Therapist article about the importance of communication for couples. I was surprised that so many men responded, albeit briefly. Here are four comments from men. 

An Orange County man stated, “Debbie’s article was very helpful for me. I know I need to talk some things out with my lady friend, but I don’t speak up because I want to keep the peace. Timing is important too. The way I communicate is key as well. Thanks, Debbie, for your help.” 

Wayne emailed, “Debbie, “You were a great pinch hitter…excellent column. Thank you.” 

Bill, “I liked your insight and smooth writing. Thank you for this very important and timely message.”  

Terry, aka, the funny plumber, simply asked, “Tom, Are you okay?” He was responding to Debbie’s opening comment, which was: “Tom asked if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everything that has been going on in his life…”

Tom’s response to Terry “I’m fine, Terry, but I needed (and still do) a break. Please understand I’m not complaining—no whoa-is-me type of stuff. 

“As many of you know, for 13 months, I’ve been trying to sell a property I’ve owned in Palm Springs for eight years. That meant lots of improvements and work projects. The property went into escrow three times and fell out. The real estate market in Palm Springs has been difficult. One of the reasons is that the Canadiens are avoiding renting or purchasing real estate out there.

They have always been a big part of the snowbird visitors and property owners. They aren’t traveling to the USA much these days. “So, there have been many time-consuming trips out there and back to Orange County. Thankfully, the property sold in late February. But all furniture that had not been sold or disposed of was shipped home via professional movers to my Dana Point home. 

“And lately, I’m working on preparing my tax returns for 2025. I know that sounds silly, as we all need to do that, but with two properties (Palm Springs was a rental) I got a bit behind in my tax record-keeping. Hopefully, I will finish that challenge this week. 

“Plus, writing this eNewsletter weekly and my newspaper columns bi-weekly takes several hours each week. The publisher of those three papers does not permit me to write what I’ve written in my weekly eNewsletters. 

“Also, taking time was a four-day trip to San Francisco to meet up with old Victoria Station Restaurant chain buddies as we attended a special Johnny Cash tribute concert at the Bohemian Club on February 26, with 400 male club members in attendance. 

“The night of the concert, my buddies told a club member that I had known Johnny Cash. The man asked if I had read Johnny’s Man In Black autobiography (see photo above). I told him I had an autographed copy of the book at home. “When I returned home, I looked at the book and saw that Johnny’s autographed message to me was signed on August 15, 1975.The book had been published on August 1, 1975, so my copy was likely one of the first of that book that Johnny signed. Thirteen million copies of that book have been sold. “

So, enough about me and why Debbie said I needed a rest. As we age, we all need to take a break occasionally. To keep the eNewsletter chugging along, we need your questions, stories, and comments. Let me hear from you.

Cheri said, “I have a question referencing background checks… whom do I contact and how long does this take…I would appreciate your response asap…I love your articles and hope you’re well.” 

Background checks. That’s an important topic for next week. Share your experiences and which company you would recommend.

Ask The Therapist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 6, 2026
By Guest Therapist Debbie Sirkin
Ask the Therapist 

The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Conflict Why staying quiet to “keep the peace” may be hurting your relationship. 

Hi Champs, It’s Debbie. Tom asked me if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everythingthat has been going on in his life, and I’ve received many thoughtful questions from so many of you. He and I thought this would be a good time to address some of them. And as always, this is your reminder that you can ask the therapist anything that’s on your mind, no subject is off limits.

My email is DebbieSirkin@gmail.com. Two issues continue to come up from you Champs, and they are very similar to what I see regularly in therapy sessions: Conflict-avoidant partners and communication problems. The two often go hand in hand. 

What Is a Conflict-Avoidant Person? A conflict-avoidant person (often called a CA) is someone who avoids discussing issues thatbother them or topics that may be important to their partner. They often believe that if they don’t bring something up, they are “keeping the peace.” 

This behavior can come from: • Fear of rejection or abandonment• Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings• A desire to not disappoint the person they care about. But when someone continually avoids expressing their feelings, they are denying an important part of themselves. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, hopelessness, and eventually anger. 

Why Avoiding Conflict Becomes a Problem When feelings are pushed down long enough, they don’t disappear, they build. Eventually those emotions surface, often at the worst possible moment. Sometimes the reaction isn’t even directed at the partner but shows up somewhere else—like road rage or snapping at a stranger. The conflict-avoidant person believes staying quiet will keep the relationship smooth. Unfortunately, the opposite often happens.Silence can slowly erode trust. When you aren’t open about how you feel, your partner may begin to wonder whether they truly understand what’s going on with you. 

Another common pattern is the mental “tally.” When the eventual explosion happens, past grievances suddenly appear: “Two years ago you did…” But those issues were never discussed at the time, and the person has been carrying the hurt far longer than necessary. Where These Patterns Often Begin Many conflict-avoidant behaviors begin in childhood. If expressing feelings growing up led to dismissal, criticism, or tension, children often learn that the safest path is to stay quiet and keep the peace.

The good news is that patterns learned earlier in life can be unlearned. Changing the Pattern To change how we behave, we must first change how we think.If speaking up in the past led to negative outcomes, it’s understandable that you may have learned to stay silent. But those beliefs can be replaced with healthier ones. Practice reminding yourself: 

• My feelings are valid.• I have the right to express them.

• Honest communication can strengthen relationships.It’s also important to remember something crucial: Speaking up isn’t about controlling the other person’s reaction. It’s about expressing yourself in a healthier way and honoring your own needs. 

Try Starting the Conversation This Way If you’re unsure how to begin, here are a few examples: • “It’s a little hard for me to say this, but I’d like to share how I’m feeling.” 

• “My intention isn’t to argue—I just want us to understand each other better.” • “I’d really like to talk about my thoughts on X. I think together we can find a solution that works for both of us.” One very important tip: Before starting any meaningful conversation, ask the other person if it’s a good time to talk.Timing can make a big difference. 

Final Thoughts Avoiding conflict may feel like the safer choice in the moment. But over time, silence can create distance, resentment, and misunderstanding. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, openness, and the courage to speak up—even when it feels uncomfortable. The encouraging news is that these patterns are learned, which means they can also be changed. 

Every time you choose to communicate honestly and respectfully, you strengthen trust and deepen connection. And remember: Your voice matters. Your feelings matter. And healthy relationships make space for both. Thanks to Tom for letting me chime in this week. Please feel free to email me with comments or questions.

Unusual Senior Valentine’s Day

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 20, 2026
By Columnist Tom Blake
 Today’s On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter was inspired by comments from Champs, particularly by Carolyn, who said, “I absolutely and unequivocally loved reading last week’s beautiful Valentine’s Day eNewsletter! So much fun to read all about Yoko’s exciting trip to Japan and eating the black eggs. Thanks to her for the fascinating photo of the black eggs! I also loved seeing the Hello Kitty train! Yay!

“I love anything related to Valentine’s Day! I attended a beautiful Valentine’s Day Party with lots of dancing and dinner! Had a fabulous time! I suspect that you and Debbie had an amazing and beautiful Valentine’s Day.
 

Tom’s comment. Since Carolyn mentioned that Debbie’s and my Valentine’s Day together was likely amazing and beautiful, I will expound on it.

A better definition of our day would be unusual. Most of you know that I have been trying to sell my Palm Springs vacation home for a year. It’s been a difficult challenge. It fell out of escrow three times. It has been in escrow a fourth time, and it looks like this time it will sell (hopefully). For those of you who have sold properties recently, you know that a big and challenging part of the process is getting rid of furniture and precious belongings, unless you’re able to sell “as is”. 

Debbie has been a big help in that regard. She has posted items online for sale and dealt with people seeking low-price deals. Some of the large and heavy furniture pieces were a special challenge. She and I spent much of January and early February in Palm Springs as the hoped-for sale neared. There were a few items that either she or I wanted in our Orange County homes. We hired movers who picked those items up on Thursday, February 12. The truck was crammed full. Plus, we each had driven our own automobiles to Palm Springs and loaded each car with the remaining items that didn’t fit in the mover’s truck.

Sadly, there were six items that wouldn’t fit in our cars. We were going to have to leave them behind. We thought our realtor, Maureen, might store them in her garage until we could make another trip out there, but we knew that was asking a lot of her. And I was not up for another trip to Palm Springs, at least not for another week. 

The moving truck left at 11 a.m. with a first stop at Debbie’s place in Mission Viejo. She drove separately to her home in her car, loaded with items. I drove away shortly thereafter, a little sad and emotional, realizing that an enjoyable eight-year period of my Palm Springs life was ending, and arrived in Dana Point around 1:30 p.m. The moving truck arrived at 8:30 p.m. and left about 9:30. I was exhausted. My garage was full. 

The next morning, Friday, the 13th, Debbie called and said she had planned to drive back to Palm Springs that day to pick up the six items, but she had injured her ankle with all the lifting and movement, so she was going to drive out on Valentine’s Day instead to try to load the remaining items in her car. I didn’t want her to do that on Valentine’s Day by herself (or any day, for that matter), and I knew those six items would not all fit in her car. So, I drove the two of us in my Honda SUV, which had more room, on Valentine’s Day to Palm Springs and back, which took seven hours.

We were both exhausted, but we laughed at how the two of us seniors were spending our romantic Valentine’s Day. The remaining six pieces fit in my car, but a large clay pot was on the floor of her passenger seat, so her knees were crunched up and bent the whole way back. Now the romantic part of our Valentine’s Day: a lunch together on our return trip to the coast. 

We stopped at the Morongo Casino gas station off the I-10 freeway to fill the tank ($1 a gallon cheaper vs other gas stations). An IN-N-OUT Burger restaurant was 50 yards away from the gas pumps. We splurged with a romantic lunch. Debbie had a grilled cheese sandwich; I had a cheeseburger. We split an order of fries and a small diet Coke.

So, Carolyn, our “amazing and beautiful” Valentine’s Day didn’t quite fit that description, but it was memorable, a day we won’t forget. 

More Champ Comments MK (a woman), “As usual, I enjoyed your eclectic column.You do a great service by offering a venue for people to share their stories. I’m happy for you that your selling ordeal is nearly over. Tom’s response, “I’m still waiting for the final phone call to hear that the Palm Springs home has been sold and I hope it’s within 3-4 days.”  

Pony Lady, “I loved all the comments about Valentine’s Day. It’s interesting how people feel differently about it.” 

Lynn, Santa Margarita, CA, “Thanks for last week’s lovely eNewsletter. WELL, DONE! I did a bit of an early Valentine’s gift for myself. On Feb 5, I wanted a happy-color for my jump-into-my-first-hybrid car. I call her honeybee! Her 600 miles per 11.9-gallon tank is hard to beat! Thanks for all your newsletters…they are so fun & eye opening! “We all really do make our own happiness, making fun where’s there’s none is my mantra! Wishing you a GREAT WEEKEND!” 

Tom’s response, “Beautiful car–way to go!  “While not new, I call my 2013 Honda CRV Leo.” And often thank him for getting me safely to places. Lynn’s naming her car spawned an unusual topic for next week’s eNewsletter; even a little strange, a little weird, but kind of cute. After all, we older seniors need things that entertain us and keep us happy. 

So, Champs, if you still drive a car or own a car, do you name your car, and if so, what name, year, and type of car? Why did you pick that name? Please let me know.

Two Tuesdays in July 2025

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled The Sound of Silence. It was based on a Paul Simon concert that my significant other Debbie and I attended in Long Beach, California on Tuesday, July 8.

Here are a few responses from Champs to that eNewsletter.

Kathy, “OM Gosh great newsletter! Saw Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel twice – last time was some months after 9/11/01 at Madison Square Garden and the other time was way back in the 60’s before they became who they became. I’ve been an ardent admirer of Simon forever and think of him as a genius.

I’ve seen the movie The Graduate several hundreds of times Scarborough Fair is one of my favorite songs as is April Come She Will but there is a Simon and Garfunkel song that I think is hauntingly beautiful and ranks as one of this gal’s favorites; For Emily whenever I might find her.

I love that Paul also wrote a song with my name in it, Kathy’s Song. Good memories, great music.

Carmen, My high school classmate, “My favorite line from the song is “The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls and tenement halls …

“I also liked Kodachrome.

“I dated a woman when I worked in Mexico City who dated Paul once.”

SW, a woman co-worker at the Victoria Station restaurant chain.  “Beautiful column, Tom!!

“I went through a phase of listening to one of the Simon and Garfunkel CDs in my car this year – absolutely love them – and The Graduate!

Margo, “In college, I took a film class. I made a movie using the music and lyrics to “The Sound of Silence.” I think it was pretty good. I’m disappointed I never went back and retrieved the films I created. It remains one of my favorites.”

Gloria, “Another newsletter near and dear to my heart. The Sound of Silence.

“I have always loved the song and most of the other songs you mentioned; The Boxer, Slip Sliding Away and Homeward Bound.

“I saw The Graduate a few times. One of my other favorite songs is Mrs. Robinson. When my grandchildren were smaller, I would take them out for pizza and played that song in the car as we all sang along. To this day, if any of them hear it, they text or call me and tell me all about it.

“Such insight from Simon to have written those words so long ago.”

Francine “Simon and Garfunkel both grew up in Forest Hills, Queens (NYC) where I lived from 1965-1968. Forest Hills is home to the Tennis Stadium which used to have a lot of concerts. I lived right down the street and heard the concerts for free, including Simon and Garfunkel. The Graduate was an amazing movie.

Ted, a high school classmate, married 60 + years: “The Sound of Silence is my favorite Simon & Garfunkel song. Closing the show with it was perfect! Yes, Debbie won the one-dollar bet. Where have the year’s gone?”

Beckie “I’m probably not the 1st one to tell you the song was on a 33rpm record, not a 78rpm as you mentioned. “The Graduate. Fine movie, wonderful songs.”

Julie, “All your columns are wonderful, but this one is my new favorite. You have a way of tying things together and putting the reader right inside these events! Who doesn’t love The Graduate and Simon and Garfunkel?

“This is how I live my life too! Acting on opportunities that seem to drop in my lap. I guess you and I both connect with people. Our open minds and hearts keep the fun coming from many unexpected places (e.g., The Racker neighbors)

“May you continue to experience these fruits of your relationship-building, and a life well lived! Including the physical stamina to climb into a concert venue. I’m cheering for you!”

Carolyn, “Wow! Loved reading this beautiful eNewsletter! Jake and Kresta Racker are amazing friends to have!

“As of this April, Simon and Garfunkel were speaking again and talking about a possible concert featuring both. I always keep hope alive for this make-up, break-up duo.  I love them and value their delicious music.  Always so heartfelt and true.

“Super happy that Simon came out at the end to sing that beautiful Sound Of Silence. (Debbie won the $1 bet fair and square!) Fingers crossed that I shall see them sing together one last time. The Graduate has always been a fan favorite”! Phenomenal acting!”

Tom’s speech on Tuesday, July 15

Approximately 50 people attended my speech at the Susi Q Senior Center in Laguna Beach. I was pleased that the events coordinator Christine Brewer had all the equipment working perfectly. My buddy Jim Fallon advanced the Power Point slides with a remote gadget when I gave him the nod. Overall, I thought it went well.

Champ Wayne mentioned to me that the ratio of single women to single men attending to be about 5 to one.

For me, the heroes among the attendees were Ray and Libby Freer, a couple in their mid-80s who married in June 2024. In the slides, I had included as the final slide a photo of them walking down the aisle after their marriage as a sign of hope that romance can happen after age 80. There had been a gap of 70 years since they had seen each other. I didn’t know they were coming to the speech. Both shared their story and advice with the audience during the Q & A at the end.

In particular, Ray stressed that a characterists-wanted in a mate list I had included in the February 10, 2023, eNewsletter helped him and Libby decide they were well suited for each other to marry. I checked the archives and found that list and am including it here.

Tom’s Suggested List Of Characters Wanted in a Mate

1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect

2. I am physically attracted to him. And he to me

3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable

4. He must not smoke or take drugs

5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses

6. He takes care of his health

7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week

8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values

9. He must be kind and considerate to others

10. We must agree on politics

11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots or closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs

12. He must be open to having a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to. If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person is likely not for you.

End list

Yes, it was a busy two Tuesdays in July.

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter The Sound of Silence

July 11, 2025

By Columnist Tom Blake

On May 14, I received a text from my next-door neighbor, Jake Rackers. I was surprised to learn that he was texting from the Ryman Auditorium, the music venue in Nashville, Tennessee, the original home of the Grand Ole Opry. He was attending and enjoying a concert by Paul Simon.

Why was Jake texting me from there? On many occasions, Jake, his wife Kresta and I listened to music together on our back patios and they were aware of my connection to Nashville, Johnny Cash, and the Ryman. Jake wanted me to know how great Simon was performing.

As some of you know, I worked with Johhny Cash in the 1970s when I was the Marketing Director for the Victoria Station Restaurant Chain. I remained friends of Johnny and his wife June Carter until they both passed away in 2003. I had seen them perform at the Ryman. And I co-produced an album of Johnny’s train songs, which is on display at the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville.

Jake bought me a “Paul Simon In Concert” T-shirt, which I cherish (See photos). On the back of the shirt, Simon’s North America 2025 tour stops are listed. Jake pointed out that Simon was scheduled to appear in Long Beach on July 7 and in Los Angeles for five nights at the Walt Disney Concert Hall beginning on July 9. Jake recommended that Debbie (my significant other) and I attend one of Simon’s concerts.

Last Sunday, Debbie mentioned to me that Simon’s concert in Long Beach was postponed for one day to July 8. We decided to try to get tickets and were successful.

I’ve been a fan of Simon and Garfunkel for many, many years. In 1968, after serving in the Vietnam War and graduating from the University of Michigan Business School, I was living in New York City working for American Airlines.

A woman I was dating pleaded with me to take her to the movie “The Graduate,” starring Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft. I hadn’t heard of the movie and thought the movie sounded boring. She threatened to never go out with me again if I didn’t take her. I reluctantly agreed, feeling I was being dragged into the most yawning two hours of my life.

The movie began. In the opening scene, Ben, played by Hoffman, was in the Los Angeles Airport walking in the concourse, having just arrived home after graduating from college. Then the music soundtrack came on. The first song was “The Sound of Silence.” My attitude did an immediate 360 turn. I loved that song. I loved that movie. The Sound of Silence was played three times in the movie. It was written by Simon when he was age 21.

Other songs I liked by Simon and Garfunkel were also in the movie’s soundtrack including “Mrs. Robinson,” “Scarborough Fair,” and “April Come She Will.”

The film won an Oscar. It was the highest grossing film of 1967 and is one of the top 25 films in history. I purchased the 78-rpm record album “The Graduate” as soon as it was available. If you’ve never seen the movie “The Graduate,” I encourage you to watch it. Still incredible after 57 years.

Since then, I’ve enjoyed Paul Simon’s music. It’s been a huge chunk of my life. In my first newspaper column published on July 7, 1994, I quoted these words from the song, “Graceland.”

“Losing love is like a window in your heart, everyone sees you’re blown apart…”

I thank The Rackers for reaching out about Paul Simon’s upcoming appearances and giving Debbie and me a nudge to go see him live. Neighbors like the Rackers are priceless.

Tuesday night, Debbie and I drove to the Terrace Concert Hall in Long Beach. We had prepaid for parking, but the lot was already packed. Snacks and beverages could be purchased outside the concert hall. Our seats were six rows from the top. It’s a beautiful facility with perfect acoustics.

Debbie commented she should have brought her binoculars. It appeared that 99 percent of the seats were filled. Simon and the nine-piece band emerged at 8:15. The crowd rose to their feet with a standing ovation. It was a goose-bump moment.

Debbie and I made a one-dollar bet. “What would be the first song, and the last song played? I said, “First, The Sound of Silence.” She said, “Last, The Sound of Silence.”

Before the music started, Simon spoke and said the first seven songs would be new material. I didn’t recognize any of those. Then, they took an intermission.

On the band’s return to the stage, they opened with “Graceland,” the song I mentioned above.

The next song was “Slip Sliding Away.” Mostly familiar songs followed, including “Homeward Bound.” The concert took over two hours with each of the nine musicians featured. The crowd was on its feet often. Simon’s voice is still strong. The show ended with “The Boxer.” The band left the stage, including Simon. The Sound of Silence hadn’t been played. But that wasn’t the finale.

Of course, the shouting and yelling for an encore reverberated throughout the concert hall. And of course, they returned and played three more songs. Then the band left again. But Simon remained by himself on stage. He grabbed his guitar. And sang solo, you know what: “The Sound of Silence.” The crowd was on their feet, thrilled with the final piece of music.

A glorious night of memories came to an end. It was worth every dollar we spent and the hour drive to get to the Terrace Theatre. Paul Simon is a genius. One of the most prolific song writers ever.

I gave Debbie the dollar. She had been right about the concert ending with “The Sound of Silence.”

Tom’s Speech – Laguna Beach Susi Q Senior Center

380 Third Street

This coming Tuesday, July 15, 5:00 pm to 6:30.

Limited seating, no cost, very limited parking in garage below and do not park in the spaces requiring parking permits. I recommend parking at an outside meter nearby or at a different parking garage.

Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.  

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

Deceased partner’s photos

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025

Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?

A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.

Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.

“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.” 

“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.” 

My reply to Sue

“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.

“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes. 

Your question gave me a nudge.

“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go. 

“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?

“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated. 

“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated. 

“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’ 

“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.” 

Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom.  I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.

“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

Previous comments by Champs on this topic

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him. 

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.” 

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses. 

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.” 

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer.  As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.” 

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.