On Life and Love after 50

I’m Not Lisa – finding senior love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter March 3, 2023, by Tom Blake columnist

I’m Not Lisa

“I just read your February 10, 2023, eNewsletter about ‘Joan’ and her concerns about being compared to a previous spouse. I’d like to comment on that article and a bit about grief.

“My husband Matt is a widower, and I am (twice) divorced. We live in Mt. Vernon, Ohio. There is grief experienced in both situations. Matt was married to his first wife for 25 years. I was married the first time for 25 years and the second time for 18 years. There is no way, having been married for 25 or 43 years, that it’s possible to avoid talking about previous marriages.

“I read your eNewsletter to Matt this morning, and he commented that it is possible to still love a previous spouse but also love and appreciate a new partner. When I learned about Matt’s experience with his wife, I was glad that he had loved her and continued to feel love for her.

“If a person has been in a loving relationship that he or she highly values, I feel they can engage in a loving relationship again. I think ‘Joan’ should consider it a positive thing that a potential partner would describe his previous relationship as loving and even as ‘the love of his life.’

“That was the ‘love of his life’ then, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t find ‘the love of his life’ now. The key, as you, Tom, wrote, is to make each other a top priority and focus on the new relationship.

“I’ll share with you a couple of issues that arose with Matt and me regarding our previous spouses. I moved into the house that Matt and his first wife lived in. It was a house that Matt had not been enthused about but she ‘loved it,’ and he bought it for her. I admit when I moved in, I felt to some extent like I was living in ‘her’ house.

“Graciously, Matt agreed to my ideas of redecorating which I felt we needed to do primarily because he had been trying to sell the house, but it hadn’t been updated from the 70s. An important benefit from the redecorating was that the house now reflected my taste (Matt gave me the green light on the redecorating) and the feeling of living in ‘her’ house greatly diminished.

“Another issue that arose was when we gave each other permission to put family pictures on the refrigerator. Matt put some pictures of his deceased wife on the fridge. Initially, I didn’t think it would bother me as I knew he loved me and was devoted to our relationship.

“Eventually I realized that it bothered me a little seeing pictures of her every time I opened the fridge door! I had not put my ex’s pictures on the refrigerator.

“So, we talked about it and I asked him to keep pictures of her in his office, which he understood and agreed to do. I had not put pictures of my ex-husband where Matt could see them.

“Regarding my ex-husband, occasionally issues have arisen concerning my reaction to some of Matt’s comments that reminded me of my ex’s behavior. Matt has responded by saying, ‘I’m not your ex,’ and we have been able to talk about my reaction and feelings.

“I think especially in the case of a divorce, there are negative experiences that can trigger a reaction even before you are aware of it. The key is to be able to talk about feelings and reassure each other of the love you share and be able to comfort each other for what was lost and/or experienced in the previous relationship.

“As you said, Tom, whether you have been widowed, divorced, or in a committed relationship, grief is experienced over the loss of that loving relationship.

“I think entering a new relationship as a ‘senior’ has different challenges compared to when we are younger. I hope Joan will continue her online search for a new, loving relationship and will be willing to look beyond an initial response from a potential mate.

“My wish is that you Tom are doing well as you move through your grieving process. I am reading a great book, Atlas of the Heart, by Brene’ Brown, a social worker who has researched emotions for decades. Concerning grief, Brown says, “Grief does not obey your plans or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to.

“In that regard, grief has a lot in common with love. When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over. We’re not sad for the rest of our lives, but grief finds a place in our lives.”

Tom’s comment: Cheryl’s story emphasizes the need for open, honest, and drama-free communication among older couples. And how to deal with grief and each person’s pictures of lost loved ones around the house when two seniors move in together. Actually, if they are in a committed relationship and living apart, the pictures will likely still be a subject to discuss and agree upon.

A woman I recently spoke to said to me, “It shouldn’t even matter if the pictures are on the refrigerator door. You just can’t wipe away the years you had together with a person you loved.”

I had to smile when I read Matt’s words to Cheryl, “I’m not your ex.” Those four words reminded me of the 1975 song by Waylon Jennings’ wife, Jessi Colter, titled I’m not Lisa, especially, these words:

“I’m not Lisa

My name is Julie

Lisa left you years ago

My eyes are not blue

But mine won’t leave you

‘Til the sunlight has touched your face.”

It’s an incredibly beautiful, heart-wrenching song. Heavy on steel guitar, which I love. I recommend you listen to it. Jessi’s voice is the best. Here’s the link.

JESSI COLTER- I’M NOT LISA – Bing video

Jessi is 79 now.

Matt and Cheryl Matthes, Mt. Vernon, Ohio, wedding June 2021

Senior Singles Avoid Wasting Time

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 17, 2023
More about Senior Singles List Making
By Columnist Tom Blake

Keep the list short

More about making a senior-love list

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled “Make A List.” In that newsletter, I suggested that senior singles make a list of the characteristics they want in a mate and in their relationship. The purpose of a list is to help a person avoid wasting time, money, and emotions on a relationship or a person who is not right for her or him. At our age, we don’t have time to waste.

The above paragraph reminds me of the song, “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” by the incredible Tejano/rockabilly singer Freddy Fender, which he wrote in 1959. See the link at the end of today’s column.

A list is merely a dating tool. There is no right or wrong list. And there is no perfect mate. We all have our faults so don’t judge someone too harshly or too quickly. Be flexible.

Many Champs responded to that eNewsletter. Champ Virginia asked, “Is there a list that a man would make?

I responded: “I’ll be happy to do that at the end of today’s article. But I stress that each person’s list will vary according to their values, desires, and experiences. Keep the list short.

The list last week was close to my list, give or take a few items.
Here are comments based on last week’s eNewsletter.

LJ (woman) “I quit dating a very nice man because every room in his house had at least one or two large photos of his deceased wife. One large 2′ x 3′ portrait on the living room wall was a bit overwhelming. Many smaller ones all over. I understand that he loved his wife. That’s very touching. And shows he is a good guy.

“But I felt like she was constantly looking at us! Perhaps this is my problem. Probably is. But it was unsettling to me. “I never said anything to him about the photos but I quit going out with him. I felt like I would never measure up. And that I would always be compared to her. I suppose this is my perception.

“Also, he paid for his son and spouse to live in a condo next door to him. I could see he wanted his intact family close by, at his expense. It was not something I wanted to be a part of. The last thing I needed was somebody glued to the old family.”

Bruce, newly divorced, mentioned a few of his list items. “I will not date someone of the opposite political party.

“Also, regarding availability to date. Some women are so busy with activities that they don’t have adequate time to date, which is very different from men. “Another is geographic distance. I am trying to limit the distance to a 50-mile radius but it seems like the more desirable potential mates are in major cities, 100-200 miles away.

“The last no-no for me is smoking in any way, either casual or regularly.”

Champ Patty said, “My husband died in July, but had dementia for years. I met a nice new man on Zoosx, in December. We spoke for two weeks, via phone and text, every day. We met for coffee, spoke countless hours on the phone, and then spent the day together. It’s been growing since. He’s a retired firefighter and was patient with me and a complete gentleman. He kind of checkmarked everything I asked for.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I will send your column to a friend. We have only seen each other two times in a year. He works in the Seychelles, is divorced, and is a bit younger than me. He has three kids and he’s from a large family, one of nine children. On a visit, he made advances toward me. I told him no. So, the next time he was in my country he didn’t contact me.

“He is a preacher of the Bible. I told him he doesn’t practice what he preaches. Did I do the right thing?”

I responded to Rosemarie, “Based on what you explained, I think you did the right thing.”

Ray said, “I never have made a list but it kind of makes sense. Also, in concert with the article, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

Wayne emailed, “Liked your list. Many women want to be on ‘scholarship.’”
Knowing Wayne, I think what he means is that some women he meets want to be on a free ride and not share expenses. They expect him to always pay.

Janet wrote, “Good advice. I had no idea where to start. The list is the perfect place.”

Mack emailed, “Re: Joan, from last week; her thoughts, perhaps to the extreme, are not atypical. I think it is normal for a man or woman to compare a new person with a past mate(s).

“I, for one, will never get over losing my first wife back in the 90s. There is never the same innocence of a young relationship down the road in later life.”

More than two years ago, Champ Cheryl wrote this about making a list: “Having children or grandchildren live with them is a deal-breaker for me because I was in that situation in my marriage. The blood relatives of a man seem to come before the new partner.”

“Plus, the political thing has become major. I have met some very nice men with whom I clicked, and then they find out which candidate I support and they break it off immediately.”

Also, two years ago, Champ S (a woman) wrote, “The first attraction is physical. Then we go from there…” I agree with “S.”

Here’s a possible list from a man: (Remember, what this dude wants, he must be willing and able to provide her with the same qualities. Love is a two-way street).

Tom’s suggested characteristics-wanted list

1. There must be a strong physical attraction between us

2. There will be differences from having lived different lives, especially as we’ve aged. We must be willing to compromise. This is where different political beliefs can be lessened to make each other’s views tolerable enough to keep the relationship intact

3. She must be willing to communicate openly and honestly

4. She must make me her top priority (and I must do the same)

5. She must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses (not specific dollar-to-dollar amounts or switching who pays every other time they go out together, but in general)

6. She must be available to see me 3-5 times per week and live within a few miles from me

7. No smoking or drugs

8. Our religious beliefs can be different, but no zealots for me. I believe in a higher power, but I do not attend church. She can attend church, which I respect, but I won’t be attending with her. A plus, she must enjoy sports.

9. She must be kind, considerate, positive, and upbeat, and she must love animals

10. She must take care of her health and we must enjoy being together and feel totally comfortable.

Link to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender https:///www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9lkeoxJRxA

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Senior sex and commitment

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 21, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Senior dating is difficult with a myriad of challenging issues–trying to meet people to date, the lack of available single men, ghosting, scamming, gaslighting, dating married men, and a plethora of different relationship types such as long-distance, non-romantic, friends-with-benefits, and living-apart-together relationships, for example.

And then there’s another important senior dating issue that I tend to avoid: senior sex and intimacy. Why? It’s too personal! I feel uncomfortable writing about it, although I think it’s an important issue for seniors and I admit I’m physical myself.

Usually, the topic of senior sex and intimacy gets included in this eNewsletter when a Champ fires off a question or comment that makes me squirm a little. It happened this week when Champ Jerry, not his true name, sent an email. He and I have been buddies for a couple of years and I thought this is an important topic for seniors.

Jerry emailed, “It is weird being out there at age 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that all the men they meet just want to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Generally, those women state it’s not worth the bother. Consequently, many senior women simply avoid the dating scene entirely.

“It is just my impression, but when you start sleeping together it becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment.”

Comment by Tom: “Geez, Jerry, thanks for clarifying the sleeping together/commitment issue. That may be helpful to some of those men referred to above who just want sex without a commitment.”

Jerry continued: “I really like sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment. The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique in my feelings but, who knows?”

Quirky but not kinky

Jerry added, “So here is the quirky thing. I live in the city of Laguna Woods, in Orange County, California, with 18,000 people over the age of 55, mainly property owners. Of those, 6,000 are men and 12,000 are women. I am assuming that 5,000 of the men are married, which leaves 1,000 single men.

The dreaded senior dating ratio

“The remaining 5,000 married men are married to women of Laguna Woods, which leaves approximately 7,000 unattached women living here. That represents an approximate ratio of single women to single menof seven-to-one. I have heard the ratio is more like eight-to-one, also a ballpark figure. Some women–consistent with the lack of interest in dating that I mentioned above–are not available to date. Regardless, that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.”

Comment from Tom: I have referred to this ratio in previous eNewsletters and newspaper columns as “The dreaded senior dating ratio.” An 8-to-1 ratio is pretty dreadful, and so is seven-to-one.

Jerry continued, “I have some lady friends that appeal to me on one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the Physical stage, a la the Olivia Newton-John 1981 record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? ‘T’is a conundrum.”

Tom’s comment: Often, when a song is mentioned in an eNewsletter or one pops into my head, a link is included to that song. But I must admit I wasn’t a fan of that Physical song, and the video is kind of sleazy so no link to it is included today.

2-WAY STREET

Jerry concluded with: “The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It is not her fault that I don’t float her boat. The ending remark is from a friend who a lifetime ago said “Om, All will be revealed. Om.”

Tom’s summary comment: I would think an 81-year-old single guy living in the same small community as 7,000 single women aged 55-plus could find a compatible woman who appeals to him physically and she to him. Perhaps, he’s undecided because there are so many desirable women from which to choose.

And then there is the commitment issue that accompanies the senior sex topic.

Of course, how single seniors define commitment as it pertains to senior sex needs to be decided between consenting partners. Dating exclusively? Living together? Getting married (doubtful)? Personally, I think an exclusive commitment is the way to go.

Let’s hear what Champs have to say about this touchy subject.

**And speaking of commitments,** **to enjoy these “Humps,” a commitment of 300 yards is required**

Dating a still-married man

On life and love after 50 eNewsletter

October 14, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Dating a still-married man, while enjoying the domestic side of life (bouncy/bouncy)

Let’s say you’re 60 or older and single again. You might be divorced or in the process of getting a divorce. Or perhaps you’re a widow, or a widower. You admit you are a bit lonely, so you’ve decided to put yourself out there into the dating world in hopes of meeting a compatible mate.

You are committed to getting off the couch and out of the house to focus on interacting with friends and meeting new friends. Perhaps you are considering online dating.

You don’t want marriage, just someone you’d enjoy being with. Someone who shares your values and interests. You’ve managed to have a few dates, but no one has clicked yet.

And then someone comes along who adds a little spark to your life. You think that perhaps a relationship could evolve. It’s hard because you find yourself comparing that new person to your ex and they don’t have all of the qualities that your former partner had.

Dating a still-married man

You’ve had some interesting conversations with the person, which have revealed a small red flag or two. Take, for example, Jane (not her true name, changed by request), who emailed, “Four months ago, I met Bill (not his true name either) online. He’s been separated for two years from his wife of 26 years.

“On our first date, the hours flew by. We had fun conversation and seemed to connect. Afterward, he emailed saying he had a great time, and our interests were similar.

“I wrote back expressing two concerns based on our discussion. One being that he is from Canada (his company transferred him to the USA) and his family lives 16 hours away by car. What would happen if he got homesick and wanted to move back there to live?

“And second, his marital status: I would be dating a still-married man, separated for two years. What is really going on there?”

These two issues trouble me a bit but he and I discussed them.

“He assured me that he’s here to stay, that his family is in full support of his being here and his divorce is pending because he owes his attorney money and that was all that was needed to get the ball rolling.” Hence, I’d be dating a still-married man.

While Jane mentioned that she intended to proceed slowly with Bill, she rationalized that she too was once in the same position: separated, heart ready to move on, but a legal system that can take a long time to finalize a divorce.

Jane added, “I have seen his divorce papers, so I know he’s working on the final stuff, and he was truthful with me. I gave him a chance because I had someone take a chance on me while waiting for my divorce to be final. So that concern has been eased a bit.

“We’ve had an awesome four months together. He helped me with remodeling my townhouse and he met my family. We spent a weekend away exploring galleries and hiking. We enjoy our downtime after work and making dinner together—enjoying the domestic side of life.

You bounce my heart around

“Then, suddenly, the rug was pulled out from under my feet. Now he’s telling me that his head says one thing but his heart another, that there is a wall up. Apparently, he was hurt as a teenager by a relationship and again when he arrived in the states. It’s taken him six months to get over his latest heartbreak. He thinks if people must work at a relationship, it’s not the real thing.”

Jane rationalized again, stating: “He is bewildered and confused by his feelings, due in part to a lack of senior dating experience. This guy hasn’t ‘found’ himself yet.

“I must let time take care of things. I like him, but only he can find himself. He feels bad that he hurt me. His being in my life has been a positive thing; I experienced how wonderful it is to have someone REALLY treat me like a woman, which I haven’t experienced in a very long time.”

I hear what Jane says, but Bill didn’t treat her like a woman for long. She feels he backed off because of “a lack of senior dating experience.” What the heck does that have to do with it?

Rather, her situation reminds me of the 2004 book “he’s just not that into you.”

Seniors who choose to date again need to trust their instincts and keep their expectations in check. I think Jane needs to get on with her life.

Remember the Bobby Vee hit song “Rubber Ball” that was popular 61 years ago in 1961? Jane fits that mold. Perhaps if he finds himself and bounces back into her life, she’ll avoid becoming a rubber ball by ensuring he is only true to one woman (she).

Here’s the second verse:

“I’m like a rubber ball.

“Baby that’s all I am to you (bouncy, bouncy) (bouncy, bouncy)

“Just a rubber ball

“Cause you think you can be true to two (bouncy, bouncy) (bouncy, bouncy)

“You bounce my heart around (you don’t even put her down)

“And like a rubber ball, I keep bouncing back to you.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=rubber+ball+song+1961&view=detail&mid=8D216B6F768D19ACD98B8D216B6F768D19ACD98B&FORM=VIRE0&ru=%2fsearch%3fq%3drubber%2bball%2bsong%2b1961%26qs%3dUT%26pq%3drubber%2bball%2bsong%26sk%3dAS1MT1%26sc%3d10-16%26cvid%3d4FB1FE07EB77432F8FC2BB34149EE72A%26FORM%3dQBRE%26sp%3d3″

**Popular 2004 book, “he’s just not that into you”**

Senior Love in Galveston

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

October 7, 2022

Senior Love in Galveston

Champs tell me they love hearing senior later-in-life romance success stories from other Champs. Here’s one today, with a little south Texas flavor.

Champ Kim emailed: “I grew up on the Gulf Coast of Texas in Lake Jackson but moved to London at age 13. I returned each summer to stay with my dad and play with my friends. I married at age 25.

“I was married for 30 years. In 2017, I was divorced, and I returned to single status at age 55. I joined Plenty of Fish (POF). After nine ‘dates’ on POF I was pretty sure it truly was a mad, mad, mad world, and most of all I wondered, ‘Are you kidding me?’

Plenty of Fish love story

“Galveston Island is small (32 miles long by 2.5 miles wide) and there were several of us singles fishing out of the same dating pond. In 2018, I saw a profile picture I loved – a guy on a boat running from a storm. He was bald (I do not do bald unless it is natural), but his profile looked fun and adventurous.

“I found Ray on POF in 2018. He also grew up on Galveston Island but unlike me, he seldom left. Our ages were only six months apart, hence we had been at the same concert venues, parties on the beaches, in the cow fields, and in dance halls when we were younger.

“We knew a lot of the same people, and we were revolving around each other, but we never met. Online dating can be maddening for sure, but it worked for us.

“Ray was married for the second time in 2015 but was divorced after two years. Both of our divorces were final in early 2018.

“We talked on the phone from late spring and into the summer. We wanted to meet, but summer is my busiest time for work, and I had a trip planned for September. We agreed to meet after my trip. We also agreed to turn off our POF profiles until that time.

“This gave me time to check his background. I had two things going for me in that regard. First, I have a wonderful friend who is two degrees removed from knowing all Galvestonians, so Ray was checked out by my friend. “Plus, I was a law enforcement dispatcher for Alaska State Parks and very good at investigation.

My friend uncovered information about Ray’s ‘high school’ first marriage as well as other interesting tidbits about him and I found some good stuff in my own queries as well.

“Knowing things about a person before going on a date is good because you can judge right away how honest a person is going to be. You also can learn about a person’s relationships, court records, employment, and what hearsay is being said about the person.

“He emailed me precisely on the day I got home from my trip. I put off meeting him in person for one week, and then met him at his house on September 28, 2018. When I pulled up in his driveway, the look on his face was like a puppy’s when you get home from work.

“He opened the gate and seemed mesmerized as if he were thinking, ‘You are finally here. I have been waiting for you.’ He has the most beautiful green and brown eyes.

“The night we met we stayed up all night, as young kids will do. Neither Ray nor I ever had children and people we know who have kids tell us we are seniors who still act like kids. They have been telling me that all my adult life!

“Ray was forthright with everything that night; he said his second marriage was a real doozy. He verified what I knew about him, and he didn’t hold back. Were there some red flags for me? Of course, but I had been left behind in a 30-year marriage and was ready for an adventure. I went from vanilla to chili pepper. Woo-hoo! We’ve been together since.

“Fortunately, I have lived all over the world and traveled extensively and am very adaptable. Ray has not traveled much and has spent most of his adult years working and living in the Gulf.

“We now have a new puppy and are moving forward in these crazy times. I was fortunate to have met Ray before Covid – we made it through that and an election together. He also grew his hair out.

We just went to a 62nd birthday party for his best friend. I taught his friend’s son when the son was in the 8th grade; we have stayed in touch over the years.

All is well on Galveston Island with Kim and Ray. It’s as if Glen Campbell was singing about them in his 1969 song, “Galveston,” which was written by Jimmy Webb.

The video of the Galveston song by Glen Campbell can be found on YouTube.

A widow says, “I’m okay without a spouse”

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
September 29, 2022
by Tom Blake Columnist

A widow says, “I’m okay without a spouse”

This week, we share responses to last week’s eNewsletter, which featured Dee, a recent widow. Dee hoped that Champs would comment about what she should do with her wedding rings now that her husband is gone.

As the responses poured in, they reminded me of the poignant words from the song “Graceland,” a song written by singer/songwriter Paul Simon and released in November 1986 on the album of the same name.

The Graceland album won a 1988 Grammy for Album of the Year. Fifteen million albums were sold. The Graceland song is Simon’s favorite of all the songs he has written. The poignant words:

“Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Everybody sees the wind blow.”

(A link to the song Graceland is at the end of today’s column)

I think those words are some of the greatest love-lost-pain words in history. You’ll understand why the following sage responses from Champs made me think of them.

Vickey emailed, “Dee, you have my sympathy. To love deeply is to grieve deeply.

“I am a widow of 20 years. My advice is to not second guess your decisions about the ring. Wear it or not, it’s ok. I have traveled many miles since being widowed by losing my one and only husband. I do have a companion who in every way makes me complete.”

Kaitte, “Re the widow wedding ring issue, Dee, you need to do YOU for YOU. There is no law that says you can’t wear your rings till you are no longer here, and if anyone says something, simply walk away. They aren’t worth a comment unless you want to add, ‘Just widowed,’ and walk away. Same with the pictures. Don’t ALLOW anyone to tell you differently.”

Susie, “Dee’s letter was very sad. I was thinking that anyone who is going through anything at this stage of one’s life should exchange emails and get a group together and talk out some of our feelings; we might be able to help each other, what do you think of that Tom?”

Tom’s comment to Susie. There are many widow and widower groups in existence across the country. It would be easier, I think, to search online for those and join one near where you live. If a Champ wants to start a new one, I suggest that person start a Facebook page. If someone does that, I will be happy to mention it in a future column.

Also, one of our Champs is Christine Baumgartner, who is a relationship counselor and a widow. She is aware of several widow and widower groups. Her email address is christine@theperfectcatch.com if you’d care to reach out to her.

Dr. John (a family doctor), emailed, “Dee poses some interesting questions. Here’s my advice:

– Dee says she never wants to date again – well, maybe. She’s still grieving, it’s way too early to be sure. Also, quick ‘rebound romances’ tend to be a bad idea.

– Most men view widows favorably. After all, one of men’s’ biggest worries is divorce, which in the USA is mostly initiated by wives. Widowhood means the wife stayed with the husband to the end.  I had a patient two months ago who lost his job AND his wife (who divorced him), when he came down with cancer, which he beat. But then he got heart disease from one of the chemotherapy drugs he was given. She ‘didn’t want to be his nurse.’ That goes to show why men have a legitimate fear of women divorcing them.

– I’d suggest re: the widow wedding ring issue, she wear the wedding ring until/if she decides she’s ready for a new relationship.”

Virginia, “Life is short. Dee might benefit if she would consider going to some counseling sessions to help her put her feelings into perspective. While it’s normal to take time to grieve, sometimes a snag like an emotional quagmire can ruin the rest of a person’s life and she or he might need a little help to move on.

Dee is a survivor and has years ahead to enjoy the rest of her life. Maybe someone can suggest a good counselor or psychologist who could gently help her move on, so she doesn’t get bogged down with this and ruin her life.
“There are also some well-written self-help books on the stages of grief and how to recognize what she is going through that might help her.” (See Tom’s comment below for a book suggestion).

Joanie, “Dee should move the ring first to her right hand. Then to a nice chain with the ring on it to wear around the neck. Eventually, she might put the ring into a jewelry box.”

Carm, “Dee’s story reminded me of my Karen’s comment that the nearly five years we spent together were the happiest days of her life. Pancreatic cancer: Only an 8 or 9% survival rate.  “It also reminded me of the puzzlement I went through with our rings: I eventually taped them to the big mirror in my bedroom.”

Cynthia, “I just reread your newsletter about Dee the new widow. I feel her pain after she met Ron and her thinking it was her final marriage. I’ve been a widow for 7 1/2 years and I still have pictures of my husband all over my house because I enjoy seeing them and that brings me comfort. I don’t have any intention of moving them out!

“As far as her wedding ring, after a couple of years, I moved my wedding ring and my husband’s wedding band to my right hand. I wear his band all the time but when I’m going out, then sometimes I’ll add my diamond engagement ring. I enjoy wearing it and I don’t want to give it up so I understand Dee’s feelings totally.

“I think everybody has to figure out what works best for them and I know it’s really soon after his passing but I pray that Dee will take it slow.”

Sharon, “I have been a champ for 14+ years after my husband David passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2008. Dee’s story touched my heart about her wedding rings.

“What worked for me is that I took David’s wedding band and my wedding band and had a jeweler link them together. I bought a very nice gold chain and wore them around my neck for many years. Like Dee, wearing my wedding rings after David died felt different.

“I struggled with the fact that I wasn’t married anymore and those rings were a reminder of the 31-1/2 wonderful years that were now gone. I emphasize gone because I loved my life, being David’s wife, and the life, we had together.

“I did date for a couple of years after his death, but it was difficult because David and I had an autistic son who was 18 when David died. It was hard for me because I think I was looking for someone who would be family and most of the men I dated wanted a companion, not a grown child. I was a ‘packaged deal.’

“I didn’t like bringing different people into my son’s life. It was a challenging time for both he and I. It seemed so easy when I met David and trying online dating was hard for me. I finally decided about seven years ago that I didn’t really want to try dating anymore.

“I have a full life, job, family, good friends, our son Philip, and Special Olympics, and I just prayed that I would be content with the full life that I had. Sure, there are still times, that I wish I had a special someone, but I am so thankful that I am okay without a spouse.

“I joke with my friends, that my husband was such a good husband, father, and man, he made it impossible for someone to compete with that! Except now I have two dogs, and they are special!

“I hope Dee in time finds her way. Trust me, I know how hard it is to lose a spouse, but I take each day one at a time and try to remember each day how grateful I am.”

S, wrote: “To Dee: I wore my wedding ring for seven years after my divorce. Just didn’t feel right without it.”

Wayne, emailed, “The only problem I see with a woman wearing her late spouse’s wedding ring on her left hand is that it indicates she’s still married. Wearing it on her right hand is fine.

“I wear an old wedding ring on my right hand sometimes as it’s an attractive ring. I’ve asked a few women if that bothers them, and they’ve said it was fine. I respect a woman that isn’t afraid to occasionally mention her late husband in a loving way… he was a big part of her life and I see it as a sign of respect.

“Pictures around the house are fine; I prefer they be part of a family photo.”

Thanks, Champs. Not only have you helped Dee, but others–women and men–who are also dealing with being widowed or losing a significant other.

**At Graceland, in 2017, Tom and Greta on the left, Bill (Tom’s brother) and Linda on the right**

A Tweet from Rosanne Cash

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter (special edition)

September 24, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Picture of Johnny Cash and a future king together (photo courtesy of Rosanne Cash) below

**Johnny Cash with Prince Charles (photo courtesy of Rosanne Cash)**

Our Champ Andrew emailed on Tuesday a “heads up” of a Twitter post by Rosanne Cash, the youngest daughter of Johnny Cash. Andrew didn’t know if I had seen the @rosannecash post. I hadn’t and really appreciate him sending it to me.

I have known Rosanne for 46 years and Greta and I try to see her in concert when she performs within an hour or two from our home. Rosanne is in the Country Music Hall of Fame (along with her dad) and is extremely talented and intelligent. Here’s what her Twitter post stated (keep in mind, this was the day after Queen Elizabeth’s funeral):

“I’ve been debating all day whether or not to post this photo, but it’s just too good to keep it under wraps. I expect a lot of captions, but none I haven’t thought of already. But go right ahead.”

I decided to provide a caption that I can guarantee neither Rosanne nor any of her 103,000 likes followers thought of. As a co-producer of Johnny’s album of train songs, “Destination Victoria Station,” I came up with this caption:

“Tom Blake

@TootScoot

Replying to @rosannecash

“Johnny wrote a song titled “Destination Victoria Station,” about the Victoria Station train station in London. Album is the same name. JRC nailed it. The other guy in the photo passed through the Victoria Station train station but was probably lost. John is giving him directions!”

The other guy in the picture is King Charles III in his much younger days.

**Destination Victoria Station record album by Johnny Cash**

**Reunion with Rosanne Cash.** **Pam Peters (Tom’s sister) Christine Blake (Tom’s sister), Rosanne Cash, Tom, Greta after Rosanne performed in Poway, California in March, 2020**

Widow wedding ring

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

by Columnist Tom Blake

September 23, 2022

Widow wedding ring dilemma

Dee has been a Champ for several years. She used to attend the Senior Singles Meet and Greet gatherings at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, which I owned for 25 years. The last time I saw Dee was a year ago in August at a book signing held at the deli. At that time, she told me, “Things are going well, a lot has changed, all positive. I got married two years ago to Ron.”

On July 31 this year, Dee emailed me an update, “I wonder if you remember my email from last year at some point where I talked about Ron’s and my relationship and how we had gotten married after he was in a terrible accident that killed his brother and caused so much damage to Ron’s body, caused brain trauma and hurt his spirit.

“Well, Ron passed away two days ago, on Friday, after spending a week in the ICU at Saddleback Memorial. He had this stubborn cough that would not let up. Turned out he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had metastasized to his lungs.

“Now I am a widow from my ‘fifth and final’ husband. When he asked me to marry him in 2017, he said he wanted to be my ‘fifth and final.’ This deep grief is new territory for me. We were supposed to ‘grow old together, the best was yet to be.’”

“I am so sad. Thank you for being there.”

Dee’s news was a shock to me. Besides Dee, I’ve had three other women friends become widows in the last 12 months. I admire their strength in dealing with their respective losses. Each is dealing with her situation in her own unique way.

On September 13, Dee updated me, “I have been a widow for eight weeks and wonder ‘What’s going to happen in the future?’ For the first few weeks, I jealously guarded my wedding ring! I did not want to remove it even for a moment.

“As the weeks went by, I began to think about the ring. My husband Ron and I had two sets of matching rings plus I have a gold band as well. I started changing my rings to go with my mood or my outfit for the day. I still want to wear it. I will never forget him or cast off our marriage.

“But I am starting to think about the symbolization the ring stands for. It says, ‘I’m a married woman, but I realize I’m not anymore.’ I have no intention of dating. I recognize I have many months of contemplation and reflection ahead of me, and I just want some companionable friends and people to spend time with, nothing romantic.

“What do you think our Champs would say about wearing a wedding ring after one’s spouse has passed away? How does one decide when and if to remove the symbol of marriage? I was going to start by changing the placement, going from my ring finger on the left to the ring finger on the right…start there and see how it feels. To me, this sounds reasonable, but I almost feel disloyal. Wedding ring guilt.

“As far as the pictures go, his old room is now back to being an office and most of the pictures of him and of us are in there. I moved all but my favorite one from my room two weeks after he died because seeing his smiling face was wrenching.

“I like to see his picture before I turn the lights out. His 11” x 14” portrait picture that was taken after his accident-repair dental work is on the dining table, and I see it often, and I love it!

“When he was in the accident many of his front teeth were damaged, so he got them all fixed up and gained an even more amazing smile. The dentist sent him to a photographer for a portrait for their office (before and after). The photographer was kind enough to send me a larger portrait since I only had a 5×7.

“Ron’s life changed immensely once we met, dated, married. His daughter tells me his life unfolded five-fold and he was SO happy. Many people that knew him for years like co-workers and friends told me the same thing. Our relationship opened many new doors for him and I was happy and thrilled to bring these things like college and travel into his life.

“This created some challenges for us, we had different value systems that we had to learn to integrate, but we got there, and we became best friends who looked out for each other, loved up on each other, and made our tiny home a cozy little nest and had so many adventures together.

“When/if the time comes, I will put some of the pictures away if necessary. But for now, I think you can see that I’m very confused. What might Champs say?”

Close encounter with a future king

**2009 Casablanca Valley Wine country brochure**

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake columnist

September 16, 2022

Close encounter with a future king and queen consort

On March 1, 2009, Greta and I flew from Los Angeles to Santiago, Chile, to begin a three-week land tour of South America. Because we were unfamiliar with Santiago, we booked a tour guide named Mauricio Yanez Mora to pick us up at the Santiago Airport and transfer us to the Orly Boutique Hotel, where we would stay for three nights.

We also scheduled Mauricio to show us around the city on a half-day tour the following day.

Greta and I were so impressed with Mauricio that we hired him to drive us on a day trip to view the Casablanca Valley wine country and the port city of Valparaiso on March 3. Valparaiso is 75 miles from Santiago. (See the brochure from 2009 above).

Our first stop in the gorgeous Chilean countryside was at Emiliana, an organic winery, about an hour west of Santiago. The autumn leaves were starting to turn; the scenery was breathtaking.

There were only a few other visitors at the vineyard that morning. We walked 45 minutes around the grounds, seeing geese, roosters, hens, and other birds, which ate the bug pests, instead of the winery using pesticides. There were llamas around the vineyard. We were able to sample some wines in the wine shop.

When we returned to Mauricio’s car, he discovered his car battery was dead. The winery had no battery charging equipment. Mauricio borrowed a phone and summoned a truck from Valparaiso to fix the battery problem. We’d be on our way in a half hour or so.

And then, a bizarre event occurred that startled Greta, me, and Mauricio as well. Seven green and white police motorcycles came into the vineyard with lights flashing and flags flying, followed by two army trucks, also with lights flashing. The motorcycles and trucks turned in our direction. There were three sharpshooters standing in the back of each truck, holding high-powered rifles and machine guns.

The three of us looked at each other. Had we done something wrong? Were we going to jail? Would we be victims of a military coup? The trucks and motorcycles passed within 20 feet of us and in less than two minutes, they disappeared into the vineyards. They appeared to be looking for someone in hiding.

Mauricio asked the vineyard employees what was going on. We were relieved to hear that it was merely a security check by the police and military in advance of a visit to the winery by Prince Charles and Camilla from the U.K. who were visiting the vineyard on March 5. Apparently, Prince Charles’ hobby was organic farming.

Not to be political, but I didn’t care that Prince Charles and Camilla were visiting the winery because I wasn’t a big fan of Prince Charles at that time.

Before long we were on our way to Valparaiso, a bit relieved that we weren’t in handcuffs in the back of an army truck. And, Mauricio’s car had a new battery.

Fast forward to last week, September 8. The airwaves were filled with the news that Queen Elizabeth had died. Prince Charles became the new king, King Charles III, and Camilla became the Queen Consort.

Upon hearing the news, Greta and I looked at each other. I said, “Think about it, 13 years ago, we missed having a nearly private encounter with a future king and queen consort in an organic vineyard in Chile. Not many people can say that.”

We both smiled. In our travels, we’d come upon some firsts for us. Among them, almost seeing Prince Charles and Camilla at a Chilean Winery in 2009 and being at the ABBA Museum in 2013 in Stockholm on the museum’s opening day. Events like these are rewards of travel.

Now, Emiliana is the largest organic vineyard in the world. In 2021, more than one million cases of wine were sold.

If you are traveling to Santiago, Chile, and want an incredible tour guide, contact Mauricio. Read the below review about Mauricio. I am confident this is the same Mauricio who drove us around in 2009. If you book him, remind him of this story at the Emiliana Vineyard in 2009. He probably now has a spare battery in his trunk.

Link to Mauricio’s review