LAT – On Life and Love after 50

Lat (Living Apart Together) Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 30, 2021
By: Tom Blake – Columnist

Senior dating: Identifying the types of senior living relationships can be confusing

Lately, I’ve been receiving an increasing number of questions from Champs and single seniors regarding the various types of relationship living arrangements they are choosing or considering. The different acronyms can boggle the mind.

The most popular: LAT (living apart together)

In checking my columns-written archives, I first mentioned LAT relationships in eNewsletters during March 2018. The LAT designation was applied to Champs who were in unconventional relationships. Some stated they were committed, loving, intimate relationships, and yet, they lived under separate roofs.

This week, I searched online but couldn’t find any articles– other than ours–that had been published anywhere in the world earlier than 2019 on the LAT relationship topic. Our Champs blazed a trial in senior dating relationship definitions.

In the three and a half years since that 2018 article mention, the single senior living arrangement topic has mushroomed among people who write about senior relationships. And I sure hear more about the topic.

The primary reason why LAT relationships will not become the norm for seniors is financial. Two separate households are more expensive to occupy vs. when two people share expenses under the same roof. For some, a LAT isn’t affordable. And for some, it’s not even a desirable way to live.

For example, Mary Ann emailed: “To me, if a couple doesn’t live together there is no ‘US.’ The pluses appear to be having their own space, privacy, and daily routines. But living this way does not bring them closer and committed enough. I call this a compromised relationship (CR).” I’ve been in a few of those myself.

Champ Mark sent me a link to an online New York Times article dated July 16, 2021, titled, “Older Singles Have Found a New Way to Partner Up: Living Apart,” written by Francine Russo.

In the article, Russo mentions a widow named Linda Randall, who lives in Chicago and was widowed in 2016. Randall is now 81 and has a romantic, intimate, relationship with a widower, age 87, who lives across the alley from her and spends most nights at her apartment.

When the widower asked Randall if he could move in with her, Randall said no because she liked where she lived and felt they were different in how they lived.

Plus, a big factor was that Randall didn’t want to become a full-time caregiver. Living apart but nearby, Randall and the widower remain intimate.
Russo also wrote in the article, “In Europe, the data clearly shows that later-life LAT relationships are on the rise. And Russo quoted a Canadian sociology professor who said, “LAT is now a ‘popular option’ in the United States and Canada.”

Champ Joel, emailed this week: “I saw this term, which was new to me: ‘living celibate together.’ When I entered that as a Google search, a lot of articles showed up.”

I responded to Joel, “So now we have LCT (living celibate together) senior relationships? I don’t want to be in one of those.”
Joel answered, “Nor I, an

LCT doesn’t float my boat either.”

Another Champ, Ginny, whom we wrote about in April, a widow, age 80, has had a seven-year relationship with Harry, 87, a widower. They live three walking minutes apart.

Harry was the guy who didn’t want to remarry (he had been married 59 years). In April, Harry changed his mind and a November wedding was planned.

Now, Ginny says, they are planning to marry in September.

I asked her why they are getting married after seven years.
Ginny said, “I visit Harry nearly every evening. But I return home the same night. Because of our faith, we agreed years ago to abstain from sex unless married. It was difficult. After we marry, instead of coming home each night, I will come home the next morning. We can finally have sex.”

Ginny added, “Still, we will have a LAT marriage.”

“Why the LAT marriage?” I asked.

“We will have a prenup. We both have children and grandchildren. Our money stays separate as do our homes. I like my home. It’s a short walk. Why not?”

Tom’s comment

I love Ginny’s story! Could LAT-M (Living Apart Together Married’ become another senior dating term introduced to the world by our Champs?

I smile at the reason Ginny and Harry are getting married. Intimacy–better late than never–bless them, both. Update on Ginny and Harry: They married in September and a NY Times’ “Wedding columnist” Tammy LaGorce attended and is doing an article on them

There are three primary reasons why these unconventional LAT-type relationships are gaining popularity among seniors:

1. Avoiding being a full-time caregiver (one of the biggest and most often stated reasons)
2. Wanting a companion while keeping one’s home
3. Maintaining independence while enjoying intimacy (perhaps), love, and sharing.
More senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT relationship.
With these four options, LAT, LCT, CR, and LAT-M, no wonder senior dating is confusing.

Online dating question from Yolanda:“I am a widow of 11 years, looking for dating opportunities. I saw in an eNewsletter that you mentioned Cupid k 2 or Cupid two. Can you guide me to it?”

Tom’s answer to Yolanda: “I think the dating website you are looking for is OK Cupid. Their basic package is free. But there are some upgrades that could be helpful that will cost a small amount.
However, if you are beginning to go online with your dating, please be very careful because there are all kinds of scammers out there who try to take advantage of lonely women. Especially widows. NEVER send money to a stranger. If a person claims to be working overseas, that’s a red flag. Do not reveal your home address.

If you come across someone who might be interesting for you, have a background check done on that person. If he sends pictures, verify that the pictures are his via a Facebook or other account.I can’t stress enough to be leery of people you meet online. That being said, the Internet can be a good place to meet people, just be very aware. If you have doubts, feel free to contact me with details.

We can always post your situation in the eNewsletter and let Champs give you their opinions. I assure you, our Champs will leave no stone unturned–they’ve walked the walk and are a wealth of caring and loving information. Good luck. Keep us posted, Yolanda.

Tom Publishes “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” On life and love after 50 eNewsletter July 23, 2021

(The article today has been edited for length and clarity)

Tom has published a memoir titled “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.”

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This week’s news from Champs
Joanne, a Champ for more than 10 years, has moved into her new apartment on the West side of Albuquerque, New Mexico, after spending time at a friend’s place in Reno while her ABQ place was being renovated. She said, “I swore I’d never move again.” (But she did).

Larry, whose significant other lives in the Philippines Islands, had to postpone his travels to be with her for the 7^th time due to the pandemic. Larry said, “The Philippines are still not open for tourist visas due to raging Covid-19 there. I will try to book my 8th return flight schedule for late September, but I feel no optimism.”

Putting a positive spin on his frustration, Larry, an avid University of Alabama alumni (Roll Tide), added, “At least, I’ll be able to catch some college football!”

Beth emailed, “After reading your column about me in last week’s eNewsletter, I have made up my mind to not move to where my ex-boyfriend lives. I thought with my heart, and not with my brain when it came to him and maybe I was living in the past. My guess is this will be the last stop between us.”

Carmen – Champs will remember Carmen (Carm) Lodise, my high school classmate, who lives in Barra de Navidad, Mexico. Two months ago, Carm emailed that he would likely be visiting Northern Italy this summer or autumn. About five minutes after his email arrived, I received another email, which was from Annalisa, who lives in Milan, Italy.

In her email, Annalisa said she wanted to meet an American citizen as a potential mate. Although Annalisa doesn’t speak English, she uses a translation app to communicate in English. I introduced Carm and Annalisa via email and she invited him to visit her in Milan this summer and stay at her place.

Holy cow, a possible romance hatched via our eNewsletter and email. An eNewsletter column was written about Carmen and Annalisa and what might happen. That column linked to Andy Williams’s version of the song Where Do I Begin? the theme from Love Story.

However, Carm, similar to me, was busy finishing a memoir, a book titled, “Carmelo. The Adventures of a Smalltime Instigator.” (Pictured above on left). I understand how writing and publishing a book requires total dedication of time and effort to bring the project to the finish line. So, I understood why he wasn’t giving Annalisa the attention she craved.

Annalisa felt Carm wasn’t communicating enough with her so she became frustrated. Plans for the visit became iffy. And then the knockout punch landed. Even though they live in different countries, they are so politically divided that the trip was canceled. I won’t go into details, but as we Champs have discovered with this country’s political divide, that alone can be a relationship deal-breaker.

How fortunate Annalisa and Carm discovered they weren’t politically compatible before he traveled 5,000 miles and appeared at her front door.

Their story reminded me why I’m not a matchmaker. Similar to my book, Carmen Lodise’s book is on Amazon.com in paperback. I ordered and used Carmen’s book as a formatting guide in finishing my book. He will publish the eBook version on Amazon any day now.

Another Jackson High School (Jackson, Michigan) classmate, Rick Lenz (Rick Lenz.com) has authored several books and is always working on a new one. Why are three classmates from the same year and the same high school writing books? We had an incredible English Literature teacher named Harriett Pitts who inspired us and taught us well is the best answer.

Jackie emailed, “Congratulations on finishing your book. I’ve said so many times over the years how I could write a book with my juicy story! LOL. But, I’d have to change all the names and either be anonymous or change my name. Or, get a ghostwriter. I’m not sure I could stay focused long enough to write a book. “I’ve sold my home in Illinois and moved to Georgia. For the time being, I will be staying at a friend’s house. She and her family will be traveling for the first two weeks in August so I’ll have her home to myself.

“Maybe, I’ll travel to Dana Point this fall and attend another Meet and Greet at Tutor & Spunky’s with my sister, when you get them going again.”

Tom, “As mentioned above, I finished my memoir “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli: A Dana Point Landmark” this week. Both paperback and Kindle/eBook versions are available on Amazon.com. Of the five printed books I’ve published, it was the most demanding, timewise and effort-wise. It’s 365 pages with more than 100 photos. The book covers 28 years—1987 to 2015–and mentions 535 people who were directly or indirectly involved with the deli, including employees, customers, and celebrities, such as Johnny Cash, Abba, and Mick Fleetwood.

One thing that surprised me and Carmen about the paperback versions of our books is that Amazon determines the minimum price, based on the number of pages and number of photos. An author can’t demand a less expensive price if using Amazon. My paperback price is $24.52 plus shipping, except people with Amazon Prime get free shipping.

My eBook price is $8.99. If Champs want an autographed copy of my paperback version, I will personally mail that. The cost would be $23.97, including shipping. Email me if you would prefer a signed paperback copy and I will invoice you via Paypal at that price. The paperback version will be available in a week or so; the eBook version can be downloaded today. The link to my Amazon.com page is in the blue space below.

Next week’s eNewsletter topic will be Living Apart Together (LAT) and how various issues can influence this type of relationship, including caregiving, health, money, independence, and other considerations. I’d love to hear your opinions.

Tom’s book on Amazon.com

Widow and widower LAT relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 20, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

Widow and widower LAT relationship (living apart together)

Nearly half our Champs are widowed. They tell me they’d prefer meeting another widowed person because they’d both be able to relate to what the other has been through.

Today’s story is about a widow and a widower who reside in a small Midwestern city. They did not meet online; they met at a Meetup.com gathering.

As a member of our “Finding Love After 50” Facebook group, our Champ had read about Meetup.com and decided to try to initiate a new social life in his own town. He joined a group that had dinner together once a week.

At his first dinner, he saw a woman of interest to him, but she left before he could talk to her. She had also noticed him. A week later, she emailed him to see how he was getting along. But, several weeks went by; she didn’t attend another dinner.

He decided to email her and found that she had been away at her summer home.

It took them a few months to get together. When they first met in person, it wasn’t on a date. They met to discuss starting a widower and widow Meetup.com group in their city. Soon, they took an interest in each other. They found they loved many of the same things, such as being outdoors and enjoying nature.

They’ve been a couple for four years.

Today, how they approach their relationship

Gordon wrote, “My lady and I are in a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.

“We live less than 10 miles apart, we both own our homes, no mortgages, we have our own retirement/pension funds, and healthcare. We both have one grown, married child and each of us lost our spouses at a young age, after long illnesses and caring for them.

“Robin, (not her true name), my partner, is 10-years-younger than I and our previous lifestyles were much different. We have found that each of us has much to contribute to the other and can enhance each of our lives.

“She was married to a faculty member of a large university and I retired from a small community college, after 23 years in the Navy. We love being around the water and swimming.

“What makes it work for us is that each of us has embraced the other’s background and experience.

“I like to kayak, fish on a trout stream, hike and she has embraced that and now we both enjoy kayaking, boating, hikes, and being out of doors. She says she might even go fishing with me. I have taken up photography and editing photographs, her interests, and we take frequent trips to photograph and enjoy the out of doors.

“We do not agree on everything–such as politics. One is conservative, the other is liberal. We believe that our relationship is much more important than debating or arguing our political viewpoints.

“We want to live life to the fullest every day with a smile–in the time we have. Friends and family tell us that we are always doing something and comment they wish they would live as we do.

“We enjoy the smallest of things as well as the bigger adventures and never fail to stop smiling or take a single day for granted.

“One of our greatest claims to life since meeting is that we have never laughed so hard that tears flowed and our stomachs ache. We define love as happiness.

“Re: living together. As long as we are in good health, and, can do so, we will likely not live under the same roof; although, we periodically do when we go to her summer house for a week or two, travel to different places for vacations, or on overnight trips.

“We both enjoy our ‘days off,’ as we call them, to just rest up at our own homes for a day or two, enjoy our own space, and spend time the way each of us chooses independently. We also have household chores to get done.

“We see each other five to six days a week; those could be the entire day or as little as meeting at the gym in the morning.”

“We also go out for a cocktail, a music event, community activities, and take frequent car rides in the area in which we live and love.

“Robin has numerous girl friends that she periodically gets together with and I have hobbies including RC airplane building and flying, fishing, and other things I do on my own or with the few men friends I have.

“I dated numerous ladies prior to meeting Robin. She waited over two years after her husband’s death to begin dating. I was her first date after losing her husband.

“One thing that became very important and refreshing with Robin and I was the immediate understanding that our previous marriages were real (mine 41 years, hers 38 years) and would never go away. That the love we had then was lasting; although, we both learned very quickly that our new relationship was equally as good, different, and strong.

“We both understood our previous lives could not be forgotten and would not be relived. Yes, we both brought our share of baggage to the relationship and it had to be sorted and discarded.

“I have spent time with her husband’s family and she with mine. My son, soon after meeting Robin, announced to her that they really liked her and welcomed her into the fold. Her daughter was much slower to understand that her mother could have another relationship, but with time she is beginning to do so.”

Tom’s comment: A LAT relationship isn’t for all senior couples. A big issue: affordability. In a LAT, each will have an assortment of household expenses. Whereas, when couples live together, they will likely share or divvy up household expenses, including mortgage payments, property taxes and utilities, reducing the cost to each person.

The decision to live together should not be made solely because it’s more affordable. All the values we always considered important still are the first and most important considerations. Saving money can be the frosting on the cake.

Part 2

Reminder: No Meet and Greet this month in Dana Point.

On Tuesday, St. Patrick’s Day, my usual Stand Up Paddle Boarding buddy and I went paddling. It was a beautiful day and we made it a point to be six-feet away from each other. I felt it was safe to leave the house. He wore this St. Patrick’s Day outfit. Lots of pictures were taken of him by people walking the sidewalks while we paddled. One young child was with her parents. She yelled to him, “What’s your name?”

My New Zealand paddling buddy, Russell Kerr, on St. Patrick’s Day

He replied, “St. Patrick.” The young child responded happily. So, thanks, Russell, for putting so many smiles on people’s faces during this somber time.

Also, because many people are self-quarantined, it can get lonely. Call your pals and have phone conversations. That can help. Encouraging news: A Trader Joe’s employee told me they will not run out of wine. Hurray!

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 28, 2019

by columnist Tom Blake

Two parts today: Part 1 – Never-Married woman in LAT

and Part 2 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together Relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

Champ Judy, not her true name, emailed, “I’m 78, never married (not yet, haha), though I had proposals. I met one man in my 30s who I would have married, he was nine-years-younger, his parents broke us up. We were so happy.

“He came back a year later to ask me to marry him, but I broke the date, not knowing that’s what his plan was. We didn’t get back together, and, he eventually married someone else.

“I compare everyone to the wonderful relationship we had. I know it’s ridiculous to hang onto the past and the hope I could meet another like him.”

Tom’s comment #1: Yes, Judy is right. Hanging on to a relationship for 45 years–give or take a few years–is looking back instead of forward. With a nine-year age difference back then, who knows how that relationship would have played out?

Judy continued, “I’ve been in several relationships since him, three asked me to marry but I knew they weren’t right. I can’t believe I let my whole life go by without the experience of marriage or children.

“I’d love to know if any other Champs are in the same situation (never-married but thought they would eventually-didn’t happen. How do they deal?).

“I lived with one person several years and besides the three marriage proposals after my 30s, I had several prior to that. Why I didn’t realize I should have built a life, a family, I don’t know? Fear?”

Tom’s comment #2: Perhaps some of our Champs will respond to her “never married” statement.

A high school classmate enters the scene

Judy added, “Two years ago, a high school classmate, also 78, and I began a relationship. He was married for 53 years; his wife had dementia for several years, he cared for her until he couldn’t anymore. She went into assisted living. He was there every day. I’d see him at reunions, he looked sad, we’d chat.

“After his wife died, he came to see me often, helping me move, buy a car, he remembers our anniversary of our first holding hands, our first kiss, and incidents like when he says he thought of me all the way home (hour and 1/2 away). Our feelings grew and we declared our love.”

Every relationship has baggage

Judy said, “Situation is he’s a country boy and I’m a city girl. When I stay at his place, I feel like I’m in the boonies and when he comes here, he cannot stand traffic. He curses at traffic, or if he drops something, or, when he can’t find his phone, etc.

“I can’t stand someone getting upset in traffic or because he has to wait while handling something on the phone, etc. It cuts into the peace we are experiencing and really affects me.

“He would like me to move up there, but it’s really rural. Nice house, but mostly still set up when his wife was there.

“He’s not sure if he wants to keep up the work of three acres, an extra guest house, but it gives him exercise and a sense of accomplishment. He loves fishing and does that often. I’ve ridden in the boat twice. I used to go boating when younger, but it’s not the most thrilling thing, though his place is peaceful and beautiful.

“We just talked a few moments ago, as he’s up at his place and I’m at my home. He had been here several days and needed to get back up there.”

He loves me but he’s controlling and jealous

Judy mentioned more, “He misses me and loves me. For the first time, instead of rolling his eyes when I want to go to my church group, or other places I like to go, he’s encouraging me to do so.

“I try to please him. He tries to please me too, but up until today, he complained. Today, he said he didn’t want to be someone who controlled my life. That was new because in fact, he tries to.

“He is jealous that I’ve been in several relationships prior to ever knowing him.

Tom’s comment #3: This couple has a LAT—a living-apart-together relationship. Sounds ideal for them, considering the plethora of aspects Judy doesn’t like about him.

Senior sex

Judy continued, “He’s constantly wanting sexual activity to the point I think he’s obsessed. Is this normal?

Tom’s comment #4: Look at it this way: he finds Judy attractive. At 78, many men can’t even whistle Dixie, let alone have sex. Is he over-sexed or is she under-sexed? Some women would consider this an asset, not a liability. What’s the problem?

Judy said, “Having said all that, he’s truly a fine person and the reason I got involved to begin with. There’s much I love about him.

“I’ve thought about moving up to his place and building a new life. It’s just that I like civilization. I also love his friends, they’re fun, great people. Also, He’s remarked, he thinks about moving into my place, thus no yard to mow, hedges to trim, repairs to make and the like. He’s conflicted and so am I.

“If we break up, I figure it would be my last chance at a relationship whereas he could find many others as a man (In Florida, where I live, there are lots of men). All relationships have adjustments the older we get.

“Today over the phone, when he called to say I love you, he also said he wants me to do things I want. I do love him. We love each other, but we’re so different.

“He has a large family, consisting of siblings, nieces, nephews who all love me, are happy for us and I love them, they’re a lot of fun. He has a son with a girlfriend who doesn’t want children, and a daughter, granddaughter and a great grandson. We all get along great. I enjoy being with them and love for him to spend time with them.

“My writing is convoluted I realize, and any comments will be welcome.”

Tom’s closing comments to Judy:

The most important sentence you wrote is highlighted in yellow above: “We love each other, but we’re so different.” That’s the beacon of light under which your relationship functions.

Five additional comments:

You love each other so why at 78, would you break up? Perhaps your propensity to break up is why you never married. Instead, simply make adjustments as necessary
You didn’t marry before, why would you marry now, when you are so different from each other? Marriage might screw up a nice relationship
You say you’re both “conflicted” about relocating. He loves the country; you love the city. Neither would be happy living permanently in the other’s environment. Problems would quickly arise. Keep your respective homes. Don’t sell them or move
You are in a LAT—a living apart together relationship. You live an hour and a half away. Seeing each other as often as you want is a luxury. Many people would envy your situation. Have you looked in the mirror to see if the problems you describe are not his, but yours?
You say he’s controlling, jealous and wants too much sex. Do you think that’s going to change if you both lived under the same roof? However, he sounds as if he is willing to change.

Why change anything? If you miss each other and want to see each other more often, simply do it.

PART 2 – UPDATE ON SENIOR MEET AND GREET IN DANA POINT LAST NIGHT

Last night at the deli. From left. Regina, Samantha (owner Tutor and Spunky’s), Greta, Tom Patrick and Mipat (spelling ?) But, there were 120 more who attended)

The event was incredibile. An estimated 125 people attended. I didn’t realize that two people who met at the June M & G have been dating for five weeks. See, love can happen at our age! Details next week on the event.

In senior dating, do multiple marriages matter when judging a new mate?

On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter March 8, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

(There are two parts to today’s e-Newsletter)

First, welcome to our new Champs who have signed up for the
e-Newsletter in the last couple of weeks. Our group keeps
growing.

Part One – Champs respond to the “In senior dating, do multiple marriages matter when judging a new mate?” topic from last week’s column

I’ve often said, and I’ll say it again today: Our Champs are among the most knowledgeable, open, and cooperative group of mature adults on the topic of senior dating and relationships of any group anywhere in North America. Here are responses from nine Champs (5 women, 4 men) to last week’s newsletter topic:

Mary Lou, “One of my dearest friends has been married five times. His most recent marriage is great, at least it looks that way from where I sit. He seems to have a keeper now (in his 70’s) and they have been married for over 10 years.

“I, on the other hand, have only been married once: 17 years, divorced for 36 years. I was only 20 when I got married, and I believe I did it because I thought I was supposed to. It’s what we did back then.

“Senior multiple marriages don’t matter at this stage of my life. If I met a man with whom I clicked, no matter the number of marriages–or even whether or not he had children–I would be glad for him in my life.

I have no intention of getting married, or, living with someone again. I would, however, happily participate in a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship, no matter how many times he was married. Perhaps I might feel differently if I were younger; now I don’t see the relevance of the number of marriages. I think the man’s heart, health, intelligence (and ability to drive at night – lol) are way more important.

John, “I understand that the number of times a person was married (multiple marriages) is a factor to consider, but, putting a label on someone early in a relationship also denies both people the potential of finding compatibility with each other.

“It may also find the other person cannot commit to one relationship and then you know the checklist was right, but only then. While no one wants a track record like Elizabeth Taylor (eight marriages, seven husbands, married Richard Burton twice) or Zsa Zsa Gabor (nine marriages), they apparently were willing to take that risk each time to find happiness with someone since happiness eluded them from just being rich.

“We are all unique and have to consider all the factors within a person to decide about a potential mate in senior love instead of selecting relationships simply by a checklist that uses cold facts over emotional acceptance.”

Gena, “The number of prior marriages (even five) isn’t as important as is the full disclosure of such events before a budding relationship turns serious.”

Joanne, “One of my theories: if you fall off a cliff it hurts – don’t keep jumping! I’ve been divorced once, and I learned from it. Don’t need to do that again.

“Too many people don’t get to know the other person well enough to make that kind of decision. I’m seeing someone that I really like. We’ve known each other 40 years. That’s a long time and we should know each other by now. He’s been divorced three times. That is a red flag for me, but we’ve discussed this and both agree the LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship works great for us.”

Bruce, “A person has many relationships in life, especially while single. Some work, many do not, so why worry about it too much?

“Enjoy who you are with at the present time and count your blessings that you are with someone you presently enjoy. If it lasts for a year or many more, then so be it, and count yourself fortunate for the good times you had.”

Jon, “I’ve known two women, both with multiple marriages; one was the president of a singles club, the other was a worker in the cafeteria at the agency where I worked. Both claimed they had been married eight or nine times. Ages were only 40’s or 50’s so I don’t know how they found the time for all that. Once was enough for me, I’ll stick with my dogs (and Sharon).”

Stella, “As we age, marriage doesn’t seem quite as important to some. We no longer have the same goals: establishing a home, raising a family, building a future together. Sometimes, it can be a hindrance financially – think social security benefits, taxes, etc.

“And where is the need? We’re not going to have any more babies. We can do the very same things in a loving, caring relationship as in a marriage.

“Take marriage out as a goal, and you open up endless possibilities.”

Dee “I’ve had five marriages. My current sweetheart and I have just enjoyed our two-year anniversary. We will marry eventually, but now is not the right time financially.

“I do not regret any of my marriages because each one was amazing in its own way. All of them served their purpose and made me a better person. And since my last name begins with the letters ‘Cinque,’ which means five in other languages, it’s appropriate somehow!

“Now I have the best relationship of my life, so I have done something right!”

Jim, “It helps your chances for a successful marriage if you choose someone with the same interests as you. If you like to dance, and the other person doesn’t, guess what? You’re going to be spending an awful lot of time not dancing, while your spouse will be spending an awful lot of time hearing complaints.

“Being available and willing to marry doesn’t make them automatically a good candidate for marriage.

“Sadly, people don’t learn from history. We make the same mistakes over and over, and the behaviors that sabotaged our past marriages, we bring into future marriages. Why are people surprised when they get the same results? Another failed marriage.”

Tom’s only comment this week on the “multiple marriages” topic: Oops. We aren’t going to call them “failed marriages” anymore. We will call them “marriages that ended.”

Part 2 – A pleasant experience and a new Champ

Most websites have a banner across the top of each page that shows that website’s major categories. The purpose: to make navigating that site easier.

My Finding Love after 50 website has eight categories. One of my categories is “Consulting.” I seldom refer to it and frankly it’s not accessed too often by website visitors.

But it’s there because, on occasion, someone will want to talk to me for a half hour or an hour about a senior relationship issue he or she is having, and doesn’t want to make a therapist or counselor office visit.

Most of the time the person simply wants a man’s point-of-view. I do charge for my time, but am told it’s reasonable.

On Tuesday, a woman from the East coast, who was not a Champ, emailed me via the website and scheduled a consultation. Turns out she was intelligent, friendly and pleasant. She had an issue she wanted addressed immediately. We tackled it together in an hour.

In the end, I feel I benefitted as much from our conversation as she did. Plus, she’s become a new Champ and will likely join the Finding Love After 50 Facebook group.

One of the most rewarding things about my writing is when I hear from readers that I’ve helped them, or when I see a couple out and about around south Orange County who say, “You are the reason we met each other, and look, we’re still together.”

Warms my heart.

Dispensing advice in Singapore along the river walk. But did they listen?

The link to the consulting page on my website:
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/consulting

In senior dating, do multiple marriages matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 1, 2019

by Columnist Tom P Blake

Senior Dating. Multiple Marriages – do they matter?

In last week’s e-Newsletter, Champ Lisa said she had gone to counseling for 18 months to try to understand her “three failed marriages.”That comment gave me an idea for an e-Newsletter topic. So, at the conclusion of that newsletter, I wrote, “When seniors are dating and meeting new people, does having had multiple marriages, on either person’s part, matter? Would that be a deal breaker? Red flag? Or, non-issue?”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and define “multiple marriages”–for this discussion only–as three or more.

Some Champs shared their opinions.

Lynn, emailed, “Regarding the ‘failed marriages’ issue, I have been married three times, and have viewed each one as a much-needed lesson learned about myself.

“People come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It was always important to me to embrace whatever I could learn from the marriage experience and part gracefully and remain friends. I loved that person at one time and love can change.

“It was also important to help my ex’s, to ensure nobody failed—life happens; we control very little. It stings to see so much anger and or hurt when a marriage/relationship ends.”

Tom’s reply to Lynn: “I appreciate your enlightened view on marriage ending. Also, I think Lisa’s definition, ‘failed marriages,’ isn’t quite the right term.

“‘Marriages that ended’ might be a better description. I don’t view my three divorces as failures although at the time they happened I did. They turned out to be blessings in disguise—it just takes time to recognize that.”

Rhonda, two marriages, said, “I find that a future man in my life who has been through some of the same things I have been through to be a plus, while four or five marriages would be a potential red flag.

“I also think a person who has never been married may be a red flag as well. My insight to both of my marriages and what I have learned from them makes me who I am today.

“Experiencing the demise of what once was a seemingly great relationship can help people move forward in some ways. Seeing what didn’t work and what I can do better hopefully will make for a solid relationship the next time around. I see now how valuable communication and true friendship is in a happy couple (like you and Greta).

“I would be somewhat apprehensive to be in a relationship with a man who has no kids. Why? Because I am extremely close to my adult children and I don’t know if someone who isn’t in that same place (at least a bit) can fully understand.”

Champ Kenny wrote, “Potential red flags dating a woman three-times divorced? It would depend on the woman’s intentions/goals in any future relationship. If her sole mission was to remarry for a round four, I’d be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

“But on a positive note, Champ Lisa apparently has many great qualities. She seems upbeat, cheerful, super-active and fit while enjoying her Florida retirement lifestyle.

“Not to be judgmental, but I can’t fathom a three-times divorced 70+ age women looking for yet another husband? Better to date casually and if Mr. Wonderful does once again miraculously appear, maybe they should work as a couple into a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.”

This past Tuesday night, at the WomanSage panel discussion in Costa Mesa, California, (six Champs attended out of the 44 women guests), Champ Carolyn indicated to me that she would likely avoid any man with three or more marriages.

In my archives, I found a column I wrote on this topic 10 years ago. I picked out what I think are some of the more salient points and am including them here.

A woman named Marjorie had written, “I met a man two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I am 63, he is 66. We have been out twice, but we talk every two or three days.

“I have been married three times and think I am a fairly good choice, but he is somewhat reluctant to reveal the number of times he has been married, although I am aware of at least three.

“I haven’t pressed this issue. He has an excellent relationship with his children and grandchildren. It is obvious his most recent marriage was short-lived and bitter. How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

I responded: Egad, woman, give it some time! You’ve only been out with him twice, and talked to him, what, maybe five times?

If you press the issue, you may chase him away before you even find out how many times he’s been married. If he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage, the last thing he wants is to defend himself or talk about it. Why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally?

Why are you concerned about how many times he’s been married? Are you so intent on getting married again that that’s all you’re worried about?

And besides, Margorie, you aren’t a golden angel yourself, with three divorces under your belt. So, what if he’s had four? That’s only one more than three. If he’s had five or six, now that’s a bit of a red flag, but only if you are eager to get married again.

It isn’t uncommon these days for people our age to have had more than two (or three) marriages. Does that make us tainted? Are we bad people? No. We just lived life.

Were our decisions to marry mistakes? No, they just didn’t last. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember what we were thinking when we decided to marry in our earlier days. Most likely, we thought getting married was the right thing to do. So, we did it.

How about the people who’ve been widowed? They had no choice in losing a spouse. Some have even lost two spouses. Should it even matter how many marriages they’ve had? (Well, if they’ve had four, and all have died under suspicious circumstances, then that might be a red flag).

I’ve had three marriages, and Greta, my partner of 21 years now, (back when this was written, it was 11 years), has also had three. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when we were sharing information on the first date, so it was a positive thing that we both had ‘multiple marriages.’

And despite three marriages each, we have the best relationship I could ever hope for (still true after 21 years). We live together but are not married; neither of us feels that it’s necessary (still true after 21 years).

I guess it’s because neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests—but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.

It’s simply: why mess up a good thing?

Also, I’ve never had children. And yet, I’ve got four kids, eight grandkids, and three great grandkids, thanks to Greta. I love them dearly, and I’m pretty sure they appreciate me, so why risk changing that dynamic by getting married?

So, for people “our age,” whatever the heck that means—60, 70, 80, or 90–should the number of marriages really matter? I don’t think so…but when the number reaches four, it’s time to scratch your head. Five or more, well, it depends on the circumstances, so obviously proceed with much caution.

Marriage number one for this Shanghai couple

This column on multiple marriages reminded me of Simon & Garfunkel’s song “Mrs. Robinson,” from the Bookends album, and of course, the movie, “The Graduate,” with Dustin Hoffman. Probably because of these words:

“Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio…Jolting Joe has left and gone away. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.” The link follows:

https://www.bing.com/search?q=mrs+robinson+song&form=PRVISR&mkt=en-us&httpsmsn=1&refig=5b4f16180a9b4751b60079d309e8b8de&sp=3&qs=LS&pq=mrs+ro&sk=LS2&sc=8-6&cvid=5b4f16180a9b4751b60079d309e8b8de