On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 17, 2018
A Senior Disgruntled Woman Blames Men for Lack of Dating Success
In the January 11, 2018, eNewsletter, I wrote about LAT (living apart together) relationships. In the article, I quoted a male reader who said the 1976 song, “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight,” by England Dan and John Ford Coley described his relationship with his woman friend perfectly.
A woman Champ, age 69—now a former Champ–emailed a response to the man’s comment. I will not name her other than to give her the title, “Disgruntled.”
Disgruntled wrote, “The older and wiser I become, the more I understand how it’s been a man’s world, and that song you referred to, “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight,” started irritating me, when I realized it was about a non-committal,friend-with-benefits arrangement, which men are always looking for. It’s the same for senior men as young men.
“Somewhere in their middle ages, men are able to commit and settle into a real relationship, albeit many cheat even when committed. Then after the divorce, which they usually blame the wife for, they go back to their youth when it was all about ‘getting laid’ with no commitment.
“I’ve spent the last couple of years dumping guys (in their 60’s) who made it clear that’s all they want. It has made me feel I am not worthy of a man’s true love and commitment.
“The LAT relationship (living apart together) is perfect for men. They can do whatever they want when you’re apart. The woman may be sitting in her own house, painting pictures, but I doubt if the man is doing that; he’s probably on the dating sites checking out the candy store (as men have told me they see it), especially now when there are so many single old ladies to single old men. I am not cynical, just realistic.”
Note from Tom: Regarding LAT relationships, more senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT-relationship arrangement.
Disgruntled continued, “I have nice male friends who still are old-fashioned enough to want a traditional relationship, and that’s what I would like.
“If you’re going to spend most of your time with someone anyway, why not have the financial benefits of sharing expenses and the legal benefits of having the doctors consult your significant other in an emergency?
“I don’t see why two people can’t live together and still have their separate interests and separate rooms, etc. To each his own, but personally I want someone I can go to sleep with every night and wake up with every morning, and not wonder if it’s ok to call them because they might be busy doing whatever.
“I don’t blame men for their wandering eye because it’s biologically programmed in them to spread their seed and produce children so the urge to mate is very strong. What I’ve seen is that a woman needs to keep a man close to her and be available because, as the Stephen Stills song says, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”
“I interpret those lyrics to mean that men need to be near the one they love, or their eye wanders, a natural thing, but it’s behavior that can ultimately break up the relationship.
“With every man I meet, there is always something ‘wrong,’ and I’m just getting lonelier and more independent. The last one I recently met at one of the places I go to dance. It was the first time in four-five years I felt a real connection with someone, and he was so into me.
“After a couple of days of dancing and some long phone conversations, he found out I am four years older than he, and he said he needs to have someone in their 50’s. I am 69 and he is 65. I couldn’t believe it! So, life goes on…”
Remember, that email from Disgruntled was sent in January.
Last week, she emailed, “I have removed myself from all dating sites (including this newsletter) and decided I’m over the whole thing of trying to find a man; all of them have been crazy in one way or another.”
“You have to EARN friends-with-benefits status”
(photo courtesy of freeimages.com)
Comment from Tom: When people blame others for their lack of dating success, the first action they need to take is to look in the mirror.
Champ Fred responded to last week’s article about Jody who is in the “friend zone” with her ex. And since Disgruntled commented in her email above about some men wanting only “friends-with-benefits,” I include Fred’s comment: “Tom, you’re a pro. Jody says she is fun and ‘young’ for her age. By whose account? If Jody’s friend has benefits, I’d say he is in good shape. Poor Jody.”
And one final comment: I think it is time for an updated column on internet dating at our age. If you have any recent online dating experiences, please share them with us by emailing me. Thanks.