Uncategorized – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Valentines 2025

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

January 15, 2025

By Columnist Tom Blake

Patricia and Cowboy of Cut Bank, Montana

In November 2007, when my eNewsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50”, I received an email from a woman who lived in San Luis Obispo, California. She wrote, “I have been on Match.com off and on for several years, but I am not attracting the type of person I want. Twenty-five percent of the responses are from bikers so I must have something in my profile that attracts them.”

I included both her quote and my response to her in the eNewsletter. I said: “You are likely attracting bikers because they like to visit San Luis Obispo and would have someone to party with while ‘in town.’ For some reason, I picture those two buffoons in the movie Sideways, which was filmed near San Luis Obispo.

Another subscriber, Patricia, took issue with my words. She wrote, “I live in Paso Robles where they filmed much of the movie Sideways. Many ‘bikers’ live and work in the area and aren’t just passing through to party with someone.

“Two years ago, when I was 52, I read a profile on Match of a man, 53, whose road name is Cowboy that said, ‘Don’t let the biker thing scare you off. We are not a bad group; you might want to meet me before you make a judgment. A lot of us are real nice men.’

As a quirk of fate, Patricia met Cowboy, but it wasn’t online. She met him through friends when Cowboy was operating a backhoe in the friend’s yard. Their story was so unusual and inspiring, I included it the How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book I published in 2009.

Last week, 17 years later, Champ Patricia emailed “My husband Cowboy is amazing. Cowboy just had a total knee replacement on September 23rd, and he has been mobile and active for a couple of weeks.

“Everyone in Cut Bank (Montana), where we live now, knows what a big heart Cowboy has and people don’t hesitate to call him for help. Recently, he picked up an elderly man friend and carried him to his house because the man was too weak to get there by himself.

“Well, he just left the house to clear the snow off a couple’s driveway. The skid steer wouldn’t start, so he’s doing it by hand with a shovel! The couple needs to get his wife to physical therapy because she just had a knee replacement, and they can’t get their car out.

“How ironic is that? So off Cowboy went to help, with his knee already complaining about the 106 mile, 1 ½ hour drive each way, to Great Falls and back yesterday!

“I’m praying that Cowboy doesn’t do any harm to his knee. He’s getting the other knee replaced in just over a week, so he especially needs this knee to keep healing!

“I have intercepted a couple of calls to him and suggested they ask the local high school football team to help instead of my husband when they just need brute strength. Cowboy’s 72, and I don’t want him to injure his back or something else because he has too big of a heart to say no.”

I responded to Patricia and she wrote back, “It’s been 19 years since Cowboy and I met on October 13, 2005. Time sure flies, and the older we get, the faster it goes! I had a recent fall in October similar to your significant other Debbie’s recent fall, slamming the side of my head on the hardwood floor at home. I had a lovely black eye for two weeks. We knew to go to the ER for a CT scan, and, fortunately, I checked out okay.

“One advantage of a small town is that the hospital is only five minutes away, and I was the only patient in the ER! Much different from Mission Hospital where Debbie went. I’ve been there a couple of times, back when I lived in Dana Point. It’s a madhouse! I hope this finds you both happy and Debbie well on the road to recovery.”

Tom’s comment

I wrote about Patricia and Cowboy in 2009. Their story, Love On The Back Of A Harley is Chapter 12 in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” A lessons learned printed from Patricia’s and Cowboy’s story reads “While searching for a mate later in life, expand your horizons, reach and thinking. Two of the stories in this book are about women who met men who ride motorcycles and love their men dearly. Coincidentally, both women are named Patricia and both ride on the motorcycles with their men.”

Can you imagine? Champ Patricia and Cowboy met 19 years ago, and still share stories and love with me and you Champs. Let’s hope Cowboy’s second knee replacement is a success. He sounds like a wonderful loving man.

False Hope

Seniors Living Together

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter November 29 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

The June 7^th eNewsletter was titled, “Senior Man Scammed.” One short paragraph in that article quoted a text I had received from a woman, age 61. We had dated two times for an hour each time. The age gap was 25 years.

She wrote, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before me, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me your home.”

That quote inspired Champ Virginia, Newport Beach CA, to write me. She emailed, “That younger woman was certainly ‘jumping the gun’ and she sounded like a gold digger. Women are just trying to survive, and that woman was no exception…her action however does bring up the question of living together at a senior age.

“No woman or man would want to be left homeless at this stage of the game. Moving is traumatic and highly stressful and even more so as our ages increase and health issues surface.”

And then Virginia wrote about different options that could be put in place to protect the surviving person if their mate, the homeowner, passes away first. An estate planner needs to be consulted before the move-in occurs and a pre-move-in agreement signed by both parties.

She continued, “The other option is to just continue dating each other and living apart (a bit of a hassle and not so comfortable or satisfying as living together).

“The senior age with inevitable health issues, as well as declining physical strength, and all that accompanies it make this scenario a conundrum.

“If people live together, and one develops dementia, cancer or another crippling disease, would they be obligated to stay together if they live together but aren’t married? That’s a sticky problem.

“It’s not like we are teenagers or mid-lifers, we don’t have the luxury timewise of just dating endlessly if we are seeking someone to be a life companion. Maybe a column about seniors living together would generate opinions that would be helpful to Champs.”

Virginia raises a good point. A column based on the inputs from Champs would be beneficial to lots of people. A possible topic: The pros and cons of senior couples living together.

Another Champ, Leslie, emailed, “Many people of our ages are with SO’s (significant others) but are not marrying. It bothers me that my SO doesn’t want to marry again. He’s a widower after 53 years of marriage.

“I’ve never married through my own fears, though I’ve have had several relationships and proposals. The ‘one’, in my 30’s, I ran from and wouldn’t marry anyone else.

“My widower SO says he will never marry again. I could marry him, we’re both 83. I talk to my doctor, and he cautions me to stay in the relationship because he’s known too many women who broke up with a man because things weren’t perfect, and then they couldn’t find another. Hence, I stay and accept that I’ll never marry. Your eNewsletters give me hope.

“I was hoping, now, to experience marriage once. Our friends are married and there’s just a difference — a comfort they have in their commitment — that I don’t have. We basically live together, and it’s been almost eight years together, both are 83. I know many people remarry/marry, so to read about many couples not remarrying helps me.”

***

So, Champs, send me your opinions and experiences dealing with the “Pros and cons of seniors living together” issue. I’ll do a follow up column if I receive enough responses.

My Gratitude

Yesterday, of course, was Thanksgiving Day. I’m grateful for many things. But one of the biggest things is you, my Champs. Your responses to columns provide me with the material to generate future columns. I’ve formed friendships with many of you, although we may not have met in person. You’ve revealed your vulnerabilities. I hurt when you hurt.

You’ve shared advice that has been helpful to me personally. The eNewsletter has been published for 25 years. Let’s keep it moving forward. I’m grateful to all of you.

November 11 is Special To Me

(Photo courtesy Michelle Rivera)

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter November 18 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

November 11 is Special to Me

Today’s eNewsletter is not about senior dating. Rather, it’s about being grateful to family and friends who love and support us. This became unexpectedly evident to me this past Monday, November 11, as the emotion of seeing people I love was so overwhelming it brought me to tears. I will explain later, but first some background info regarding November 11.

An armistice was declared on the 11^th hour, of the 11^th day of the 11^th month in 1918 between the countries that had been fighting in World War I, also known as The Great War.

In 1938, November 11^th became a federal holiday in the United States. It was called Armistice Day, honoring the end of World War I and the veterans who fought in it. Why has November 11^th always been special to me?

One year later, in 1939, I was born on Armistice Day, which also happened to be my Mom, Frances Pardee Blake’s birthday as well.

After World War II and the Korean War, the name Armistice Day was changed to Veterans Day. That name change made November 11^th even more special to me. I am a Vietnam War veteran.

When the Vietnam War broke out, my ship, the USS Noble, APA 218, was one of the first three ships to arrive in the waters off South Vietnam. We had 3,000 battle-prepared Marines on board, many under 20 years of age.

On the night before they were going ashore, the line to get into the ship’s chapel was filled with Marines on all decks. One could barely move anywhere on the ship. Many of us in the wardroom prayed for those kids. As they were transferred to the jungles, I pondered how many would return alive. I still think about that question today, which is why I keep a lid on my birthday (Veterans Day) celebrations.

As November 11 was approaching this year, I wanted to keep the day especially quiet meaning no big celebrations or no hoopla for me because I was becoming 85. And I was grateful, blessed, pleased, fortunate, and happy about reaching that milestone.

My significant other, Debbie, who has fought her own battles over the last five months—cancer surgery and reconstruction, radiation, recovery and witnessing, within inches of missing her, the trauma of a car out of control in front of the Mission Viejo Medical Center, that killed an older man entering the medical center, and then a month ago, suffering a horrendous fall on a concrete sidewalk—wanted to plan a small dinner party for me which I declined. I just wanted to quietly honor my mom and veterans on this emotional day and enjoy a nice meal with Debbie that night.

My friend Michelle (also known as Lady Hummingbird) wanted to take me to lunch that day with a friend of mine, but she wouldn’t say who. I accepted. Michelle requested I come to her house at 11:30 and we’d ride in her car to meet a friend of mine (a surprise) at a restaurant she had selected. I suspected it might be my former deli. That morning, Michelle texted. “Remember, women don’t like men to arrive early so please not before 11:30.” I thought that was an unusual request, but didn’t overthink it.

As Michelle drove down the hill toward Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, which I opened and operated for 25 years, she had her right-turn blinker on to get on Pacific Coast Highway northbound. I dismissed my suspicions that we might be going to the deli.

However, she made a near pit maneuver which led us immediately to the deli parking lot. I noticed my buddy Jim’s car parked outside so my suspicions were correct after all.

As we entered the deli, I glanced into the dining room and thought I was hallucinating. There were about 22 people standing next to a table with balloons and a Happy Birthday sign with a big number 85 in the middle on the wall behind the table. The 85 was a dead giveaway–that message was intended for me. I then understood why Michelle didn’t want me to arrive early, the guests were decorating and arrived before me.

I recognized every person there, each with a special connection from my past. I was overcome with emotions. I lost it. Tears were ‘free fallin’ from my eyes like the famous Tom Petty song. As big as raindrops like in the 1961 “Raindrops” Dee Clark song. (There are links to both songs below).

Johnny Cash music (Walk The Line) began, making me even more emotional as a fond memory of my friendship with him bubbled up.

The people were from different aspects of my life. I am so fortunate. There were four of my previous employees from the deli: Teresa, Debbie, and Sandy, each still working there, and Veronica, who is the mother of two young boys.

And two neighbor women were present, Kresta, who is married to Jake, from next door, and Colleen whose hubby is Alex, who live directly across the street. They look out for me, and I look out for them.

And three fantasy football pals. We have been together for 30 years in the TMFL (Tooter’s Morning Football League, named after its founder, me). Bruce Smith, John Hawkins (aka Hawk), and Vince Monfils.

Bruce and I also attended an Elton John/Billy Joel concert together in Las Vegas on February 18, 2001, at the MGM Grand Hotel. His wife’s daughter Jaime attended with him.

Besides being in TMFL, Vince was a tennis pro and then a buyer for the Ritz Carlton hotels in Southern California. He is now Vince The Hat Man. He custom designs the hats he and his life partner Julie sell at the Dana Point Farmers Market on most Saturdays.

Hawk and his wife Tracy have been close friends for 30 years. She has been working in the Capistrano Valley Unified School District for 28 years, 18 of those years as a high school teacher and the other 10 years in Guidance.

Jim Fallon, my current fantasy football coaching partner, and a member of the grief share group I belong to, secretly—to me at least—helped Michelle, who organized the event. I now understand why Michelle is so good as a home caregiver. Busy, efficient, and organized. Also helping Michelle was my significant other, Debbie, without me knowing about the two working together.

A member of my grief share group, Patty Beverly, San Clemente, was notified by Jim and fit the party into her busy schedule. The three of us have shared lots of sadness in the previous two years, remembering lost loved ones. This added to my emotionally charged day.

To top off the event, a fireman came into the deli for a sandwich. I didn’t recognize him but over the years Dana Point firemen were incredible customers. At numerous times they would be eating, and an emergency call would come in. They would bolt, leaving their food on the table. We would save it for them, often having to refrigerate the food until they returned. They appreciated us and us them.

The fireman asked the deli cashier what was going on, and when he found out, he walked over to me to thank me for my 25 years of feeding them and handed me a Special Operations Rescue medal. See enclosed pictures of front and back. His incredible gesture nearly knocked me off my feet.

I mentioned to Debbie that I was embarrassed for shedding so many tears. She looked at me and said, “Women love when men cry (at the right time), you were great.”

I said it reminded me of the Dee Clark song “Raindrops” with the lyrics, “…A man ain’t supposed to cry.”

She said, “Women like men who have the capacity to cry. I was proud of you.”

Who says 85 is old? This was the most positive emotional day in my life. Lesson learned as you grow older: Cherish your friends, family, and memories. Wake up on your birthday and say to yourself, this is the first day of my X^th year (the year after your birthday. For me, 85^th birthday, the start of my 86^thyear. And be happy you’ve made it this far.

Link to Tom Petty’s “Free fallin’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A

Link to Dee Clark’s song: Raindrops”

Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

Senior Single Women Be Assertive

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

November 8, 2024 Columnist Tom Blake

Most Champs in their 60s and 70s know that the ratio of single women to single men in their age range is roughly 4-to-1 or more. We learned in this eNewsletter recently that the ratio at Laguna Woods Village in South Orange County, California, a 55-plus community, is between 7 and 8 to one.

Women have told me, “And some of those single men aren’t dating material, thereby increasing the ratio. Bottom line, meeting a compatible guy to date is a daunting challenge.”

I hear that all the time. Because of these bleak numbers, I’ve often told single senior women, “When you see a man within an acceptable age range, who isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and who appeals to you, don’t be shy. Be assertive—not aggressive—and start a conversation with him.

Champ M, a single Dana Point, CA woman, in her early 60s, shared her story of assertiveness to meet a handsome man. She just made one key mistake.

She emailed: “This happened last week. I’m a caregiver. I applied for a new job at a caregiving company and one of the requirements was to get a TB blood test as a part of the employment application process. I went to a medical lab and as I walked in, I noticed a handsome man sitting in the waiting room looking at his phone. He didn’t appear to see me.

“I signed in and spoke to the lady at the counter, knowing that this handsome man was behind me staring at his phone. They called him into the blood drawing station and as he went by me, I noticed he was a bit older than me and not wearing a wedding ring.

“While sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but think about him. I remembered the advice that Tom Blake had shared with readers in previous newspaper articles and eNewsletters regarding single women being assertive when seeing a potential man partner. Tom had encouraged women to take the initiative and say hello to men they are attracted to, who appear to be single (no wedding ring, for example).

“I shrugged my shoulders and sat down by the exit door, never thinking that the man would walk by me again. While I waited to be summoned, he emerged from the drawing station and walked toward me heading for the exit. Our eyes met this time, and I felt a mutual attraction, and I thought ‘OK, be brave M, hurry up and say something.’

“I said to him, ‘That was quick. Did it hurt?’

“With kind eyes and a bright smile, he said, ‘Not at all!’”

“I said, ‘I am scared and terrified of needles (which I am). I hate getting shots.’ And then, I felt an overwhelming boldness and childlike flirting with what I said next, ‘Would you hold my hand?’

“He said, ‘Sure I will.’

“I was floored and taken aback. I lost my nerve at that moment. Thoughts kept popping into my head that he might be married. Some men don’t wear a wedding ring. I wish when he said ‘Sure, I will’ that I had been clever and quick and savvy enough to ask, ‘Are you married?’

“Instead, I clammed up and said, ‘Oh wow that’s so nice of you.’ And then I foolishly said, ‘They’ll probably take care of me in there. I’m sorry, thank you, anyway.’

“He said, ‘OK sure,’ and walked out.

“I sat there for 20 seconds, stunned by what I had failed to do, and thought, oh my goodness, I choked. I should have given him my hand, or, at least given him my caregiver business card with my phone number on it. I didn’t. I totally blew it. I missed an incredible opportunity to be with a nice man.

“I probably will never see him again, but it made me realize that being assertive in a classy way works. There’s not a happy-ever-after ending to this story—at least not yet– but I’m getting bolder as a single senior woman!”

Champ M continued, “I opened the door to see if he was in the hallway still waiting for the elevator. He was gone so I didn’t get a chance to give him my card or at least ask him if he was married so there went that opportunity. However, I’m glad that I’m getting bolder. My advice to senior single women. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a man like I did.”

Tom’s comment to M. “Who knows? He might have been married. But, unfortunately, you choked. Move on, having learned a senior love lesson: Senior single women be assertive. Hopefully, our Champs (women and men) will think of your experience when an opportunity arises for them, ensuring they engage the potential mate in conversation. Be assertive, not aggressive.

Are you married?

Responses to Debbie’s Fall

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 1, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s article, A Night at the ER, about senior balance and falling, triggered the most responses from Champs ever. Most were well wishes to Debbie, my significant other, who had tripped on thick grass and injured herself when she landed on the concrete sidewalk. Here is a message from Debbie to Champs.

“To all of Tom’s Champs who were so kind, thoughtful, and supportive with your words of inspiration, stories, as well as very warm get-well wishes. I want to thank all of you, as hearing from so many of you not only cheered me up, during what I would call one of the most difficult weeks of my life, but was also uplifting for Tom, which was also a very difficult week for him.

“The kindness he has shown you over his 30-plus years of writing is reciprocated back to him when he hears from you. I would also encourage all of you to write to him when you need or want to. Also, at the end of this eNewsletter, there is a link to Senior Safety, on the AgingCare.com website, something I discovered last week when searching for a concise list for myself as well as others. Again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for all the well wishes. Debbie”

Here are a few of those responses.

Delores, “Been there a few times. No fun.”

Carolyn, “My heart literally stopped after reading the first two sentences! I thought ‘Oh no, not again.’ Falls are most dangerous for seniors no matter how strong we are. I’m happy to hear that Debbie is doing well! Please continue to take good care of her and yourself!!

Thyrza, “Your description of your unexpected visit to the ER to accompany Debbie, reminds me of my ER experience last Tuesday. My medical oncologist called me early that morning, saying he saw an inflammation of my appendix. He urged me to go to the ER at Orange Coast Memorial in Fountain Valley where I had my cancer treatment.

“My son drove from San Juan Capistrano to Huntington Beach and took me to the ER. With all the blood work and a digital copy of my CT scam, the surgeon on duty decided I needed a laparoscopy to remove my appendix. I was in the hospital for two days. I am well into recovery. It shows how unpredictable life can be.I wish a speedy recovery for Debbie.”

Curtis, “Six hours to be seen and out is fast. Around here, it’s 10-12 hours just to be seen.”

Bill, “Thanks for sharing, I’m glad Debbie is ok. This is an excellent reminder to us seniors.’

Wayne, “You took good care of her. In one of your columns, you might suggest that seniors take exercise classes that stress balance. I’ve been doing it for 4 years and it’s quite helpful. A fall can happen at any time. Hope she has a full recovery, and you can complete that dinner date.”

Margo, “All I can say is OMG! Excellent newsletter this week and you can never remind the seniors too often to be careful. Even though I try to be careful, I’ve had two mishaps this year (while hiking and bike riding), both were pretty bad but I’ve recovered.

“I was very lucky. Nothing broken but still recovering in some spots from the deep abrasions.”

Gloria, “What an ordeal for you and Debbie, I am happy to hear that she is not more seriously injured although bad enough by the sound of your story.

“As we age, senior falls and injuries are not uncommon, we just don’t see them coming. I also think it takes a mental toll when you’re injured.”

Cherie, “I had a near-death experience last year. I had to call 911 but was so out of it that I could hardly dial the number. No one was around to help me. I was barely able to dial. The ambulance came and took me to the ER. I received a blood transfusion. I had a stomach bleed and would have bled to death had I not been able to get help.

“What I learned: I now have a panic button which is a direct line to emergencies. I recommend this for all seniors. I also will be eternally grateful to the men and women in emergency. I was in intensive care for one night and then in the hospital for two more nights. We must know how to take care of ourselves and use the wonderful facilities at our disposal.”

Jim, Always be careful of our surroundings and try to balance as much as possible. Always go to ER if there is a head injury. And look around for any kind of hazard that can cause a fall. Be careful of ladders. Try balancing on one foot for 5-20 minutes.”

(Hey Jim, how about balancing on one foot for 10 seconds?)

Carol, “I worry about falling every day…old age!”

Dr. David Allen, a fraternity brother of mine, the State Commissioner of Health for Kentucky, 1980-83. “Trips to the ER are exhausting and terrifying!”

Bonnie, “You made the best decision. I have been to that emergency room. They are great. Prayer for Debbie for a full recovery. God hears us when we ask.”

The link to the General home safety tips that Debbie referred to is

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/making-home-safer-for-seniors-a-room-by-room-assessment-121363.htm

I recommend you click on this link and print out a copy for yourself. Granted it seems a lot to comprehend. However, implementing just one tip might save you or a loved one from a fatal fall.

Tom’s Final Comment: I appreciate your participation. If none of us falls or has a serious accident this week, we will get back to the senior dating topics next week. Send me your dating questions and comments.