September 2021 – On Life and Love after 50

Where are the single senior men?

Eight ways to meet single senior men.

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 24, 2021

by Tom P Blake

Where are the men? As a senior dating columnist, the most frequently asked question I receive is “Where are the single senior men?” Meaning, available senior single men, and asked by women. Sometimes, the question is worded differently, but the intention is the same.

For example, Marci, 70, emailed, “I live in Orange County. I am retired and would love to meet an available, honest, adventurous man. Where is he?”
Marci added: “I am fun, smart, spiritual, good looking, and healthy. I love my family, friends, animals and ENJOY my life. I am so ready to meet him.”

My usual answer: “There is no specific place, at least of which I’m aware, where senior single men congregate with the purpose of meeting an available senior woman near their age range. No bar, no church, no senior center, no golf course—not even a cruise ship.”

But that has changed. There are hundreds of places now where senior single men hang out–and may possibly be hoping to meet a mate. Where? Isolated in their homes, due to the Covid pandemic. That makes meeting men even harder.

My response to Marci: You sound terrific–retired, healthy, attractive, loving enthusiastic, confident, and positive. Wow, great credentials; you’d be a wonderful partner! Oh, you didn’t mention whether you are financially secure—some calculating guy might even want to know that! But it’s best to not mention your finances. If a man asks, that’s a red flag that he is seeking something other than love.

I wish, Marci, that I had an easy answer to your question. Finding a quality mate is difficult for senior women. At age 70, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately 3.5-to-one. And yet, meeting a mate at your age is possible, even if many of them are hunkered down at home.

My normal advice would be: “Get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities you enjoy. By doing just that, you will improve your chances greatly of meeting that adventurous guy.”

However, for nearly two years, seniors have been handcuffed by Covid. Socializing and meeting new people has been challenging. Earlier this year, the situation appeared to be improving, but restrictions are reappearing.

So, I’ve come up with a revised list of eight suggestions on how to meet a single senior man:

1 – To facilitate exchanging contact information with new people, hand out preprinted name cards that reveal only your first name and email address. Don’t reveal your last name, street address, or phone number (not yet at least).
Handwritten cards prepared by you are fine. Or you can go to Staples or a print shop to have them done. Carry them with you. Have them ready so that a pen isn’t needed when exchanging contact information with a new acquaintance.
If a woman wants to increase her circle of women friends–an excellent idea–handwriting her phone number on her card should be okay.

If your last name is a part of your email address, you might need to get a second email address that doesn’t reveal your name and use that when first meeting strangers. Just be darned careful regardless of how you are meeting

2 – Seize every opportunity to meet new people without endangering your health. Attend events and gatherings where people are vaccinated and located outdoors in the open air. For example, attend tai chi and/or yoga classes in a park. Introduce yourself to strangers, hand out your name cards, while keeping your distance.

This week, the editors of my three Orange County newspapers asked me to contribute an extra column to an Aging Well insert describing where retired people can go during these Covid times. The article is approximately 1,200 words.

You can read that article online by clicking on one of the three separate newspaper links at the end of today’s newsletter. Look for the Aging Well insert. The article might provide you some suggestions, even if you don’t live in South Orange County.

3 – Don’t focus solely on meeting men. Include women as well, single or married. Make meeting new friends a top priority. Social interaction is one of the most important activities seniors can pursue.

4 – Be sure you are getting physical and mental exercise. It helps your health and makes you a more interesting person. Adopt a project; write a blog. Write a book. Volunteer (safely). Read a book such as “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” by Tom Blake

5 – Internet date, which will improve your chances of meeting a mate. You need access to a computer. If you don’t have this capability, ask a friend for help. The internet is an important senior dating tool, enabling people to search for a mate beyond one’s neighborhood, city limits, and state lines. There are thousands of potential mates out there.

However, BEWARE! I estimate that 25 percent of the people on senior dating sites are scammers, trying to steal seniors’ identity and money. The scammers are experts of deceit, preying on vulnerable seniors, especially widows.

Don’t venture online on your own. Have friends help you. Write me for advice. Trust your instincts. Never send money to a stranger. Don’t be naïve or gullible because you are lonely. Be careful when meeting a stranger in person.

6 – Meetup.com – Again, you will need a computer, but only to locate groups within your area that provide endless activities. Meetup.com is an online site where you can join groups to learn—for example–to dance, speak a language, exercise, cook Italian (or any country’s) food. Learn how to write, publish a book.

7- Volunteer. There are many opportunities in your community. Pick a place to help that makes you feel good and do it. Just keep in mind the Covid precautions.

8 – Suggest to your friends to sign up for this weekly free email newsletter by visiting the home page of my “Findingloveafter50.com” website or email me and ask me to add you. You will learn what others are doing to meet mates.
Cast your net far and wide. Anything can happen. Never give up hope. Continue to enjoy life, with or without a man. Links to Tom’s newspapers

Link to Dana Point Times newspaper
Link to San Clemente Times
Link to San Juan Capistrano newspaper

THE CHAMPS SPEAK

by Tom Blake – Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 17, 2021

9/11 Tribute

Champ Larry, Ann Arbor, Michigan, emailed on Saturday, September 11, “Today is not busy until 4 p.m. when my wife Bonnie and I head toward the stadium to set up our tailgate for the Michigan vs. Washington football game at “The Big House.”

Friends will stop by, sometimes from as far away as Dallas or London. It’s game day. We have our University of Michigan flag flying in the front yard. It will be a late-night with the kickoff at 8 p.m. “The band has a spectacular light show planned at halftime commemorating 9/11.

Twenty years ago today, the 9/11 attack came when I was on my way back from dropping Bonnie at Detroit’s Metropolitan Airport. She was headed for Fort Worth to babysit our granddaughters.

“I had pulled off I-94 at the Bellville exit and was one car from getting a cup of coffee at McDonalds when I heard the announcement of the crash. I thought it was an announcement like ‘War of the Worlds.’ “Bonnie’s flight was in the process of making an emergency landing at Indianapolis, where she would be kept at the Holiday Inn for three days until I went down and picked her up.”

Tom’s comment: I’ve known Larry for more years than I can remember. He was in my brother’s high school class in Jackson, Michigan, which makes him a couple of years older than I. He was an incredible golfer, good enough to have earned varsity letters on the UM golf team. He and his wife Bonnie, married for 61 years, are Champs and enjoy reading the eNewsletter.

**Bonnie and Larry Leach married 61 years – Ann Arbor, Michigan**

I asked Larry to send us a picture of the UM band light show. I was hoping that ABC TV, which carried the game, would show 30 seconds or so of the band’s performance during the half but the network finessed it. Here is Larry’s photo of the band at halftime on September 11, 2021.

**University of Michigan Band at halftime on September 11, 2021**

Movin’ in isn’t easy either

Champ Althea commented on the eight items I listed last week to do before deciding to cohabitate. She said, “I have to disagree with number 8. Moving in is NOT so easy; it’s as difficult as moving out. The decision to move in might be easy to make, in certain circumstances, but everything that surrounds the move-in is back-breaking (packing, lifting, carrying, etc.) and mind-boggling HARD.

“Especially when you’re over 65 with physical issues, and one whole house is trying to merge into another whole house…of stuff! Sometimes you need to take the good with the bad and suffer the consequences later.”

Have it notarized Regarding item number 6 from last week’s list, ‘Sign a written exit plan before the move, in case it doesn’t work out,’ Champ S. added: “Have it notarized.”

And John from Las Vegas shared, “You penned a very sobering article, which is demonstrably needed: After age 70, we must strive to spend our time wisely and thereby avoid devastating emotional stress. The subject reminder is akin to a well-thought-out, pre-nuptial agreement, i.e., failure to plan is planning to fail.”

Tom’s comment: Have that pre-nuptial notarized as well.

Traditional woman

A male Champ from Orange County. Ca., wrote, “I had a first date with a woman I met online. She said she had dated you. She made a comment about you saying that you felt women should pay their ‘fair’ share in dating expenses. She then added in that context, ‘I’m a traditional woman.’ I think that’s a code for a guy to pick up all the tabs.”

Tom’s comment: Our Champ shared the woman’s name with me. I had no recollection of her or her name. If we dated, that had to be more than a quarter-century ago, as I’ve been with Greta for 24 years and was in a short, committed relationship for two years before that. Maybe I simply forgot.

My guess is ‘we dated’ means we had one date. And when I found out she was a ‘traditional woman,’ that was the only time I asked her out. Or, because I wasn’t a ‘traditional man,’ (willing to pay every time) she bailed on me.

Moving him out is harder than moving him in

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 10, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior cohabitation: moving in is easier than moving out

Last week, we wrote about Jeanne, who was in a quandary because the man living with her for three years is a hoarder and treats her poorly. She wants him to move out. They met on OurTime in 2015.

Champs responded: Liping wrote: “I have been told before I criticize someone, I need to clean my room first. I will clean our rooms first tomorrow morning.”

S. emailed: “Jeanne says they have no agreement, yet he says she can’t kick him out. He can say anything he likes, but unless there’s a signed lease (not rental agreement), she can most certainly kick him out. “When the eviction suspension due to Covid is lifted, that is. Give him a three-day notice to quit and thus start the eviction process. This is assuming he holds no legal interest in the property.”

Cheryl, “What we don’t know are the contents of her partner’s boxes. Someone in their 70s has spent a lifetime putting together a well-stocked house. “Is he really a hoarder or did he just make a bad decision moving where there’s no room for his stuff? The bigger issue seems to be a volatile relationship where neither are happy but neither seems willing to leave.”

Shelley, “So she met the hoarder in 2015, and let him move in with her in 2018. He’s quick to get angry. I think she can kick him out immediately. Life is too short for this nonsense.” And then I heard about another unpleasant cohabitation situation.

This one from Beth (not her true name) 70, who wrote:

“Sixteen months ago, I started dating an older gentleman (79). We met on Match.com at the beginning of Covid 19. We missed the dating process because of Covid shutdowns.

“We walked often, and I cooked for us and cooked for him before I went home. We face-timed every night we weren’t together. He’d call eight times a day asking when I would come to his house. He asked me to marry him early on, but I said no.

“He wanted me to move in, but I said no. He started to fail physically, losing his balance and falling occasionally. I started going to doctor appointments with him. I went from girlfriend to caregiver in a few short months. I was cooking and cleaning with no days off for three months while staying at his house.

“He was very demanding of my time. He had brain surgery. I had to shower him. I started pushing back and told him when he got well, I was returning to my home. He asked me to stay another month.

“One day while he was on the phone, I packed and left. I felt guilty for leaving but knew no time would be a good time to leave. I am so burned out and I’ve decided to just enjoy my life.”

Tom’s comment: Back to Jeanne’s situation. This week, she sent an update: “Our couple’s counselor said today that we have senior irreconcilable differences. A week ago, I realized I could go no further trying to make it work and I asked him to leave.

“This relationship should never have been a move-in-with-me situation and the counselor pointed out to me that this was my biggest mistake, letting him move in with me.

“We had not known each other for enough time to live together. Seeing each other once a week, and sometimes only for part of a weekend didn’t give us enough time to get to really know each other and see all sides of each other.

“Because we were older did not mean we – especially me – were wiser! “
Three years wasn’t long enough to know each other? Really?

Tom’s eight lessons learned from these two situations

Before cohabitating:

1 – Heed red flag warnings

2 – Trust your instincts

3 – Get to know the person well (for Jeanne, three years wasn’t long enough)

4 – Don’t rush your decision

5 – Be objective. No rose-colored glasses

6 – Sign a written exit plan before the move, in case it doesn’t work out

7 – Don’t do it in order to just save money

8 – Remember, moving in is easy; moving out is difficult. I’m reminded of the Broadway musical that Greta, her daughter, Tammi, and I saw in NYC in 2005, called “Movin’ Out,” on the night before I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on “Good Morning America.”

Above, see Greta and me with Diane and that cover of the Playbill Magazine from the musical, which featured the music of Billy Joel, including the song, “Movin’ Out (Anthony’s song),” which was on Joel’s 1971 “The Stranger” album

Link to Billy Joel singing “Movin’ Out”

Seniors have the right to live again

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 3, 2021

by Tom P Blake

Seniors have the right to live again

Stuck with a live-in hoarder; a Champ wonders what to do

Champ Jeanne emailed: “I have a question about hoarding. Something that got glossed over when my partner moved in with me three years ago – the number of storage boxes etc. that he had and never used. It was pointed out to me that he is an organized hoarder. We met on the website Our Time in 2015.

“I had always envisioned hoarding as piles of newspaper etc. blocking passage in rooms and hallways! Every space has been filled with his stuff and he has more stuff in someone’s garage nearby. I am uncomfortable with every inch of space taken with the stuff that he never uses. It has become a problem in our relationship.

“I am constantly donating unused stuff that I have. I have learned that hoarders can’t get rid of stuff. I have asked that it go into the attic so at least it’s not taking up room that could be used by the things we do use, which have been shoved out of the way to make room for his things. That way he has access to it if needed.

“The bicycle, the motorcycle, the kayak, he refuses to move out. He is not going to use them – he’s in his late 70’s and out of shape!

“I’m hoping Champs shed some light and give some advice. If I mention moving anything, he wants me to take empty flowerpots and put them outside – that sort of thing…I’m over my head and completely frustrated!

“All this comes from my not bringing the subject of this ‘collecting’ up sooner in our relationship when I saw all the things he had and how he did not attempt to pare it down. “We don’t have an agreement, but he did say I can’t kick him out. The only way he would leave is if I put the house on the market and it sold! Maybe I had better ask my lawyer!

“I can’t live with the situation the way it is – I have tried to for the last few years but that didn’t work!! He has had two wives leave him to his utter surprise and although he has many wonderful characteristics, he is not relationship material.

“I ignored some red flags so that’s on me! He does give me some monetary contribution to the household, which is helpful, but not nearly what he would pay for a rental of this caliber in this area.

Tom’s response: We’ll see what Champs say. Last week’s title was “We have the right to love again?” This week’s title is “We have the right to live again.” Jeanne’s situation is not “if,” it’s “when and how?” Jeanne will get him out of her house.
I sent her a return email with a few questions. She responded, saying there are other issues in addition to the hoarding. He is quick to get angry and is an incessant talker.

men must earn friends with benefits status — **Stop arguing**

She added, “His flaws are too much for me and they killed my love for him. I didn’t like the person I had become–yelling and fighting back or shutting myself in my bedroom.”

Another Champ was in a similar, but a different situation. She moved into a new apartment building a year or so ago in Northern California, signing a one-year lease. It took one day to learn that people who lived above her were unbearably noisy, dropping things on the floor during all hours. And the people below her were also unbearably noisy. The situation was unacceptable; she could not get much sleep.

The building landlord would do nothing. She took it upon herself to find other accommodations, even considering small college towns back East. Competition for small one-or two-bedroom places was brutal. Rental prices in California have increased dramatically. She finally found a nice location a few miles away. She forfeited a month’s rent at the end of her lease to get out of the bad situation.

She wrote, “I moved yesterday! After contending with looking for months, high and low, and getting beaten out for the only standalone cottage in my price range, I signed Saturday for a 2BR upstairs condo surrounded by magical redwoods and other mature trees.

“A good night of sleep is pure medicine!” She made the relocation happen while functioning on little sleep. That’s why I call our readers Champs—because that’s what you are. Go-getters. When things aren’t right, you strive to make them right.

Please share your opinions with Jeanne regarding the hoarder.