Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)
A few years ago, my partner Greta asked, “Is there anything you want me to do as far as a ceremony if you pass away?”
I replied, “I don’t want a funeral, but if you have a celebration of life for me, I’d like you to play six of my favorite most meaningful songs by the original artists. Make a tape of them and play each song. I insist they are the recorded version and not by a tribute band or some other artist.”
Greta said, “Will you write them down for me?”
I did, and here is the list:
1 Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again) by Kris Kristofferson
2. If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks
3. Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash (written by Kris Kristofferson)
4. The Dance by Garth Brooks
5. Dry Your Eyes by Neil Diamond
6. Dreaming My Dreams by Waylon Jennings
Of course, when I handed the list to Greta, I didn’t expect that someday I’d be playing one or more of those songs in her memory. They are all country and Western songs and Greta–when we first met–wasn’t a country fan and didn’t know much about country music. I love country music because it’s so expressive and written from the heart.
Over the years, Greta started to enjoy it. I about fell over when she asked me to play a video of Freddy Fender singing, “Before The Next Teardrop Falls.”
Fender wasn’t country, he was a Tex-Mex Tejano singer, but when she said that, I knew she had expanded her music-loving horizons to a point she had never expected.
There was no way I felt that I would outlive Greta. (Greta Cohn passed away two weeks ago, October 29). In her honor, I am including a link to the first song on the list, Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again,) at the end of today’s eNewsletter.
Next, I must tell you how overwhelmed I am by the emails you Champs sent me last week. There were so many that it took me three days to either respond to each one or at least, archive each one.
If what you emailed me is not included in today’s column, please understand, there wasn’t enough space, although they were all incredible and each one touched me deeply.
My intention in this week’s eNewsletter is not to get syrupy or drag you through my grief, but rather it’s to ensure I clearly express my appreciation for the caring and outpouring of love you sent to Greta and to me.
My first realization was how many of you Champs have also lost loved ones in your lives. Your messages about your experiences have helped me greatly and hopefully will help others when the need arises.
John said, “I can relate to your feelings as I’ve lost two wives to cancer.”
Victoria added, “I have been in your shoes, 13 years ago, my husband of 25 years died.”
Beverly emailed, “My husband died in late July.”
A male Champ said, “My former wife was a special ed teacher (as was Greta) and special education teachers are so important they get to be in the express lane when they get to heaven.”
My second realization was how much Champs loved Greta, although most hadn’t met her in person.
While each email was special to me, I’d like to share a few that truly hit home.
Anne, a widow living in Arizona, who was married to a high school classmate of mine, wrote, “After my husband died, I went to a grief workshop. One of the things they taught was what they call STUGS. It stands for the Sudden Temporary Uptake of Grief. These hit at unpredictable times. Sometimes, I could identify a trigger, but other times they just came like a bolt out of the blue.”
Oh my gosh, I clearly understood what Anne described. I’m certain other Champs have experienced STUGS themselves. They are like earthquakes and can arrive in clusters or one at a time. At least now I understand they are normal reactions to losing love, whether a partner, family member, friend or even a pet. I’ve had a plethora of STUGs this week.
Mark, another Champ, emailed saying he and his siblings are forever grateful to Greta for laying her hands on the gravestones of his parents in a cemetery in American Samoa. Greta and I visited Mark’s parents’ graves four years ago while on an extensive cruise in Asia and the Pacific.
Francine wrote, “I know how you feel as my husband passed away unexpectedly in 2012 at age 67. A year later, I started to date Bob. He passed away in 2017 at age 69. Healing takes time. You don’t get over it; you just get through it.”
Ray wrote, “To be overwhelmed by grief, you must be overwhelmed by love. You had a relationship to be treasured and remembered.”
Marty stated, “I’m bawling like a baby, after reading your column for so many years, I felt I knew Greta. She was very special.”
There are no words
One theme that was mentioned in many emails was the feeling that there are no words spoken that can make the pain go away. For example, Rhen’s email began “Words fail at this time…”
Jessica, wrote, “There are no words…”
Carolyn emailed, “Words can never express how sorrowful I feel…”
And, Terry said, “Tears are falling…I could see the love and respect you both had for each other.”
And then, there were endless heartwarming emails. Here are three:
Elenute wrote, “Thank you, Tom, for being in our life, too.”
Nigelle said, “When sorrow’s shadow lessens, you will know Greta in every flower and every sunrise.”
Jessica emailed, “You and Greta felt like family.”
I will end this eNewsletter with a message from Deanne who wrote, “I hope you continue writing for many years. It brings us laughter and the true reality of being over 50. It gives us knowledge, and hope, and brightens our days. I don’t sleep well, so, early on Friday mornings, I’m always looking for what you’ve written.”
Thanks to all of you for being virtually by my side during this very difficult time. I feel the power of love from each of you.
Link to “Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbhkqQTgnv4 |
Tom and Greta at Cristo Redentor in Rio de Janeiro
On Life and Love after 50 