On Life and Love after 50 – On Life and Love after 50

In Senior Dating, Make Friends First

Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

May 8 2026

As a senior dating columnist for 32 years, I’ve often been told by both men and women that meeting a potential mate is difficult, especially as we get older.

Four months ago, a male reader I’ve known for 20 years, relocated to Laguna Woods Village, an Orange County 55+, age-restricted community. For privacy matters, I will refer to him as Gordon, not his true name. He’s single and 73.

A month after Gordon had moved, he emailed me, “Well things are looking better dating wise for me in my new 55+ community, compared to when I was using online dating sites. I’ve even heard that online dating sites are becoming less popular among seniors.

“There are more than 250 social clubs in our Laguna Woods Village. I have met four women here. They all belong to clubs. I met two of the women on an Astronomy club daytrip to JPL in Pasadena. I did not realize that there were so many women in the club. Then I thought, ‘Hey they must be thinking if they want to meet a man, they must participate in clubs that feature activities men enjoy.’

“On the return bus trip from Pasadena, a woman sat next to me. She talked the whole way back. When we got close to returning, she started to scroll on her phone. She said she was getting rid of spam. What dawned on me after she got off the bus was, she was trying to tell me to give her my phone number. I didn’t, but oh well now I know where to find her!”

Gordon sent me a follow-up email last week. He wrote, “The possible dates I hoped to go out with did not happen for these reasons.

One told me she is not looking for a relationship. She mentioned that we could just go out for lunch or dinner.

Another woman said it was too soon to date after her significant other passed away. However, she also said we could go out for lunch or dinner.”

There is an attractive woman who lives near me. One day that woman, and another woman and I were talking outside our homes. She mentioned that she had been married since she was in her twenties and that if her husband died, she would not be interested in another relationship.

Not meeting the woman who sat next to me on the bus was my fault. I should have asked for her phone number and name. Silly me.

“So, my next possible idea that has been suggested to me is to go to one of the pools and spas here or to Clubhouse social events. There are several Clubhouses here. Each of them has spa. One is near me.

“I am also going to try Speed dating again. I have been to two of them since I have been here. The price of them is not bad. I have not had very many matches but what the heck?”

Tom’s Comment

Of the four women Gordon had met, one said she isn’t looking for a relationship. But she is willing to have lunch or dinner. If that happens, a nice friendship might evolve.

Another woman said it was too soon to date after her husband died. But she also would be willing to meet for lunch or dinner. Same thing, a nice friendship might evolve.

Another woman is married. Who knows? Someday she might want a non-romantic friendship. We all need them.

Gordon is now aware that in his four months of living at his new community, he’s blown several opportunities to meet and socialize with nice women. He should have asked the woman who sat next to him on the one-hour bus ride for her phone number and given her his number, but he didn’t. A missed opportunity.

My significant other, Debbie Sirkin, a psychotherapist, said “Some of the best relationships begin as friendships. Bill should make friends with the women he’s meeting at his 55+ Community and not worry about meeting potential partners; instead, he should make multiple women friends where he lives. I give Bill credit. At least he’s trying to meet new people.”

Tom concludes, “If the cost of lunch or dinner is too pricey for Bill, then switch to a coffee meeting, or after a first encounter, see if she might be willing to pay half, or switch to a walk or hike together.

At least Gordon has tried speed dating a couple of times. It gets him out socially. I did it once and fell on my rear. I was lucky, no injuries. At 73, he’s got to be careful to plant himself firmly on the chairs. In speed dating, trying to sit too soon is dangerous. There are plenty of other options for him to meet women where he now lives.

Also, with a ratio of approximately 7.5 women to each man in the community, Gordon should realize he’s living in a paradise for senior single men to meet senior single women. He needs to be assertive, not aggressive. Make friends first.

Revisting Alzheimer’s and Dating

NL APRIL 24, 2026

On Life and Life After 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

RESPONSES TO HOPE LIVES ON

Last week, I wrote about Ann and Ben again. They represent a difficult, heart-wrenching issue seniors sometimes face: Dating when one of the couple’s spouses has severe dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease.

Previously, when we wrote about Ann and Ben’s first meeting a couple of years ago, most people disapproved of their relationship. But last week, Ann updated the situation and the responses were much more sympathetic to the couple continuing to see each other once per week or so.

Here are 12 responses (11 from women; one from a man):

Wayne shared, “Ann might want to ask Ben what his intentions are once his wife passes. Some need a mourning period after a loved one passes while others are ready to resume dating right away. I think she deserves an answer so she can prepare herself; it will also flush out how strong his feelings are towards Ann.

Francine said, “I’d like to put in my two cents. Ben is in a very stressful situation with his wife still living in the same home and ill with dementia. Of course, his first thought should be her.

“Having broken a date with Ann and then waiting for a few months to get back in touch with her, I would not trust him. I think he just needs someone to help fill the void in his life.

“I’ve had three men break off during the initial dating…married 2 and it ended in divorce. Now…my experience is not hers. Being teenagers and holding hands? Meeting once a week? You can’t build a relationship on that…there needs to be more intimacy.

“I’d suggest that Ann ask Ben that when his wife passes away, what are his plans for him and Ann? I’d be outspoken and direct. Unfortunately, both men and women can string you along, and have no problem walking away as you are simply the ‘interim’ person.

“I’m never a doom and gloom person but I’ve met way too many men. Plus, Ben’s wife might live for a long time. What would be Ben’s plans to advance his and Ann’s relationship further should that happen.

“We are not teenagers and our time on earth is limited as well. If Ann stays with Ben along this same road, I’d suggest she also date other men.”

Pat added, “Love is hard to find in any form. Ann and Ben seemed to have found a way to care for and love each other. It is not our place to judge. I wish them well and that someday they can truly spend quality time together!

“I believe in this “Love everyone…I will sort them out later. God”

Belinda, emailed, “Thanks for sharing Ann and Ben’s story.

“I know there will be many Champs who disagree with me, but I think Ann and Ben have EVERY RIGHT to find their happiness where they can at this late stage of life — assuming that Ben’s wife is provided for, whether that be by him, or in a quality care facility. HE IS STILL ALIVE, HIS LIFE GOES ON.

“When a loved one is incapacitated to the point where they are not going to get well and come back to normal brain functioning, that door is closed for their spouse or partner. Regardless of Ben providing great care for his wife, she is NOT going to get better over time.

“Why should the competent and still-able partner suffer along with them, giving up many years, even decades of what could’ve been the best time of their life?

“I think Ann and Ben are lucky to have found one another, and they obviously have a loving bond.

“Think about this, too: the bond Ben has with Ann is probably one of the major things in his life that pulls him through this time emotionally and mentally, giving him something to look forward to and YES, a reason for living, staying healthy, and being better able to manage his complicated situation.

“As Seniors, this is our time in life, the one we worked for so very hard over many years. Everyone deserves to be as happy as their situation allows. Ben is responsible and respectful when he’s with his wife and he provides her with loving care, as I’m sure he will continue to do for the remainder of her life.

“He’s also deserving of his own happiness and his own future.

I think Ann and Ben are doing JUST FINE.

Thyrza, “My heart goes out for both of them. I believe Ann can have a platonic but loving relationship with Ben. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t feel bad nurturing such a relationship.”

Jan added, “Ann, take all you can get. Life’s too short to be alone. I have friends with Alzheimer’s and most of the time they’re not here anymore. Why should the husband be miserable? Enjoy every precious moment together.”

Kaitte, “I’ve worked with Alzheimer clients. It’s hard, a no joke situation. Having an outside relationship is healthier for the one left behind. Isolation and loneliness are not mentally or physically healthy. Ben does the best he can by lovingly caring for his wife. This situation gives him the support and love to be able to cope with it. And, it keeps him sane.

Carolyn, “Oh My! I absolutely appreciate this most looked forward to eNewsletter from you Tom. What a quandary Ann is in right now! It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. If Ben’s wife was not living in the same home where he lives, it would be a much better outcome for both Ann and Ben.

“Ben is ridden by guilt because after his lovely day with Ann, he has to go back home and see his still living but Alzheimer’s ridden wife. This situation is not a healthy one for sure. Ann is somewhat in a holding pattern waiting for the demise of Ben’s wife. This is not healthy for either of these lovely people. They are both caught between a rock and a hard place.

“Tom, what are your thoughts on this situation? Ann has so much more life to live with someone who would be present for her all the time. There are no guarantees in life, however, we can control the situations that we become involved in. Ann has become Ben’s therapist and sidepiece! It’s definitely not good for Ann!

“Thank you for always keeping the Champs up to date on these most thought-provoking issues! Whew! This is certainly a tough one indeed!”

S (a woman Champ), stated, “Has Anne verified that the wife indeed has Alzheimer’s? If true and advanced, I see nothing wrong with the relationship.”

Lynn, “What happened to ‘in sickness and in health, until death do us part?”

“I wonder how Ann or Ben would feel if they were the spouse in the care center?

“I’m confused, is this an on-line dating story? It seems to me that Ben likely misrepresented himself and Ann let herself be swept in?

Tom’s comment. Lynn, that isn’t what happened. Ben didn’t know Ann. He told a neighbor he was lonely. He did not misrepresent himself. He told Ann about his situation. Ann was lonely and yes allowed herself to fall in love, as so many of us have ‘allowed ourselves’ to do in our lives, when we’ve met someone, we were attracted to.

To comment on Lynn’s statement below, Ben treats his wife amazingly well dealing with her 10 years of dementia, with 24/7 caregivers.

Lynn continued, “Ann refers to Ben asking to end the relationship as a ‘one-day setback’, like he missed taking the trash out once. He clearly asked for an end to the relationship!

“I’m sure Ann can and will do what she wants to do, but this Tom catting (no pun intended) around is ridiculous. I for one am NOT buying what Ben is selling! In the event these two continue to carry on this relationship, does Ann think Ben will not treat her the way he is treating his current wife?

“WOW…that was a jaw dropper!”

New. “I don’t see anything wrong with Ann deciding to be with this man knowing all his story; he sounds like a real good man and taking care of his wife through all her bad health is commended.

Virgina shared: Today people live longer. The marriage vow, “till death do us part” can be a cruel punishment. If one mate no longer has mental capacities to recognize and interact with a life mate, maybe we should take a good hard look at that vow, so it is adjusted to today’s longevity and health issues. Various religious beliefs and certain ancient rules and laws need to change with the times.

Hope Lives On

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

April 17, 2026

Columnist Tom Blake

On January 10, 2025, the eNewsletter was titled, “False Hope.” It was about a Champ named Ann, not her true name, who wrote that she had met a man named Ben (name changed also) whose wife had had Alzheimer’s Disease for 10 years.Ben’s wife still lived at home under his care. On Christmas Day, 2024, Ben contacted Ann and they met for a glass of wine that day and found they were attracted to each other, especially Ann attracted to Ben.

Ann emailed me often in early 2025 about her encounters with Ben. On May 26, 2025, Ann emailed me, “I heard from Ben on Mother’s Day, remember him with the Alzheimer wife? He lovingly wished me happy Mother’s Day and, of course, I was over the moon.

The next eNewsletter, January 17, 2025 (Both eNewsletters can be read on my FindingLoveAfter50.com website, featured 22 responses from Champs about the brief encounter Ann had with Ben. Almost all responses felt Ben was cheating on his wife and Ann was totally out of line.

“I thanked him and said I thought of him and hoped he was well. He also texted me on Easter, this coming from a man who wanted the door closed. I responded.

Last week, she emailed again.

“I have no idea how his wife is doing, apparently, she’s still here and things might be the same. I think you know how I feel about Ben; he is still the one for me.”

“Then, in the evening he responded to my text and said he also thought of me and here comes the next thing that sent me shivers, he said maybe someday we can go out for dinner.

Ann emailed me several times in 2025 and early 2026, always writing about Ben.

“I have been seeing Ben, I believe I wrote you after he bailed again but I did not follow up with what happened after. The next day, after the breakup, he texted me, it was heartbreaking to read how he poured out his heart.

“He said he didn’t know what had come over him, that life was so stressful with his wife still alive, but lovingly taken care every day and night.

“Ben said he had deep feelings for me and didn’t want to lose me, could I please forgive him and could we talk. We did and got some things straightened out; I felt more understanding as this continues to be a difficult situation for us both.

“Ben tries hard to include me in his life; he has a very busy business plus he visits his wife (living separately in their home) a couple of times a day.

“He obviously loves her and makes sure she has every comfort possible; I love that about him as well as other things. You know Tom, I have loved Ben for over a year, and I believe he had strong feelings about me and decided last Christmas to visit me again.

“Tom, there is never a guarantee in life, not for me, not for you or anyone for that matter.

“I believe I told you about our reunion, we just flew into each other’s arms after 10 months and almost cried with joy.
He had that little one-day setback but promised to never hurt me again.

“Ben has been loving and considerate since, we have gone out to dinner, to lunch and we see each other once a week, sometimes like this week, twice for lunch.

“We visit each other’s homes, and I feel comfortable in his house.
He holds my hand during lunch, kisses me frequently and thinks I am eye candy, a cute expression he uses.

“As I mentioned, it’s not ideal, I want to see more of him but know the limits, don’t want to push it and let him talk about his pain, (his wife and both daughters he lost a few years ago).

“It now has been almost three months of being together, I know he loves me and I am loving him.

“I am older now, it feels right to be with Ben and one day, we can spend more time together once his wife is no longer with us.
I am grateful for this love.”

Two Tuesdays in July 2025

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled The Sound of Silence. It was based on a Paul Simon concert that my significant other Debbie and I attended in Long Beach, California on Tuesday, July 8.

Here are a few responses from Champs to that eNewsletter.

Kathy, “OM Gosh great newsletter! Saw Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel twice – last time was some months after 9/11/01 at Madison Square Garden and the other time was way back in the 60’s before they became who they became. I’ve been an ardent admirer of Simon forever and think of him as a genius.

I’ve seen the movie The Graduate several hundreds of times Scarborough Fair is one of my favorite songs as is April Come She Will but there is a Simon and Garfunkel song that I think is hauntingly beautiful and ranks as one of this gal’s favorites; For Emily whenever I might find her.

I love that Paul also wrote a song with my name in it, Kathy’s Song. Good memories, great music.

Carmen, My high school classmate, “My favorite line from the song is “The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls and tenement halls …

“I also liked Kodachrome.

“I dated a woman when I worked in Mexico City who dated Paul once.”

SW, a woman co-worker at the Victoria Station restaurant chain. “Beautiful column, Tom!!

“I went through a phase of listening to one of the Simon and Garfunkel CDs in my car this year – absolutely love them – and The Graduate!

Margo, “In college, I took a film class. I made a movie using the music and lyrics to “The Sound of Silence.” I think it was pretty good. I’m disappointed I never went back and retrieved the films I created. It remains one of my favorites.”

Gloria, “Another newsletter near and dear to my heart. The Sound of Silence.

“I have always loved the song and most of the other songs you mentioned; The Boxer, Slip Sliding Away and Homeward Bound.

“I saw The Graduate a few times. One of my other favorite songs is Mrs. Robinson. When my grandchildren were smaller, I would take them out for pizza and played that song in the car as we all sang along. To this day, if any of them hear it, they text or call me and tell me all about it.

“Such insight from Simon to have written those words so long ago.”

Francine “Simon and Garfunkel both grew up in Forest Hills, Queens (NYC) where I lived from 1965-1968. Forest Hills is home to the Tennis Stadium which used to have a lot of concerts. I lived right down the street and heard the concerts for free, including Simon and Garfunkel. The Graduate was an amazing movie.

Ted, a high school classmate, married 60 + years: “The Sound of Silence is my favorite Simon & Garfunkel song. Closing the show with it was perfect! Yes, Debbie won the one-dollar bet. Where have the year’s gone?”

Beckie “I’m probably not the 1st one to tell you the song was on a 33rpm record, not a 78rpm as you mentioned. “The Graduate. Fine movie, wonderful songs.”

Julie, “All your columns are wonderful, but this one is my new favorite. You have a way of tying things together and putting the reader right inside these events! Who doesn’t love The Graduate and Simon and Garfunkel?

“This is how I live my life too! Acting on opportunities that seem to drop in my lap. I guess you and I both connect with people. Our open minds and hearts keep the fun coming from many unexpected places (e.g., The Racker neighbors)

“May you continue to experience these fruits of your relationship-building, and a life well lived! Including the physical stamina to climb into a concert venue. I’m cheering for you!”

Carolyn, “Wow! Loved reading this beautiful eNewsletter! Jake and Kresta Racker are amazing friends to have!

“As of this April, Simon and Garfunkel were speaking again and talking about a possible concert featuring both. I always keep hope alive for this make-up, break-up duo. I love them and value their delicious music. Always so heartfelt and true.

“Super happy that Simon came out at the end to sing that beautiful Sound Of Silence. (Debbie won the $1 bet fair and square!) Fingers crossed that I shall see them sing together one last time. The Graduate has always been a fan favorite”! Phenomenal acting!”

Tom’s speech on Tuesday, July 15

Approximately 50 people attended my speech at the Susi Q Senior Center in Laguna Beach. I was pleased that the events coordinator Christine Brewer had all the equipment working perfectly. My buddy Jim Fallon advanced the Power Point slides with a remote gadget when I gave him the nod. Overall, I thought it went well.

Champ Wayne mentioned to me that the ratio of single women to single men attending to be about 5 to one.

For me, the heroes among the attendees were Ray and Libby Freer, a couple in their mid-80s who married in June 2024. In the slides, I had included as the final slide a photo of them walking down the aisle after their marriage as a sign of hope that romance can happen after age 80. There had been a gap of 70 years since they had seen each other. I didn’t know they were coming to the speech. Both shared their story and advice with the audience during the Q & A at the end.

In particular, Ray stressed that a characterists-wanted in a mate list I had included in the February 10, 2023, eNewsletter helped him and Libby decide they were well suited for each other to marry. I checked the archives and found that list and am including it here.

Tom’s Suggested List Of Characters Wanted in a Mate

1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect

2. I am physically attracted to him. And he to me

3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable

4. He must not smoke or take drugs

5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses

6. He takes care of his health

7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week

8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values

9. He must be kind and considerate to others

10. We must agree on politics

11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots or closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs

12. He must be open to having a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to. If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person is likely not for you.

End list

Yes, it was a busy two Tuesdays in July.

Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Heaven’s Ladder

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 31, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Heaven’s Ladder

I’ve been receiving far too many emails and messages lately from Champs whose spouses or significant others have passed away. Many have been from men, who have lost their significant others. I thought men usually passed away first.

In October 2024, Champ Joel’s wife Wendy of 12 years passed away. There have been many other similar situations.

A few of the men who have written me are my junior high school and high school classmates. That doesn’t surprise me. Why? Because the men in my class are in their mid-80s; we graduated from Jackson High School in Jackson, Michigan, in 1957.

I don’t intend to dwell on this depressing subject, but I’d like to share a poem from Ed Hatch, a JHS classmate, that he emailed me last week. Ed’s wife of 57 years, Elke, passed away on November 24, 2024, at age 77.

Background information on them will help you understand why I am including the poem today. Ed attended Haverford College as an undergraduate—and studied English and German. After graduating in 1961, he taught American Studies in Mainz, Germany.

Elke was born in Germany. At age 16, she spent a year as an exchange student at The University of Michigan. In 1966, she began her studies in Mainz. One day she walked into Ed’s classroom, and he noticed her and felt she was attractive.

Despite the eight-year age difference and nationality difference, they met and started a romance. They married a year later on December 30, 1967, in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where UM is located. At that time, Ed was enrolled in German studies there.

Ed became a teacher of German at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Elke earned a PhD in German Literature and worked as a translator and taught German at the University of Dayton for 30 years. German was their household language. She and Ed have three children and four grandchildren.

After Elke passed away, her sister sent Ed a poem she had received in the mail. It was written in German. Ed made a “rough and hurried” translation of the poem into English and sent me a copy.

As I read it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I decided to share it with you Champs today. It is so beautiful and relatable to anyone who has had a loved one or a friend or animal pass away.

And as we Champs age, we encounter losses more and more. This poem will warm your heart. Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem “Heaven’s Ladder”

Hello, dear friend below, sometimes I see you crying, see your sadness and tears, and that’s why I want to say: My earthly clothing I’ve left behind because I don’t need it here at home, where I am very near to you, and always in your heart. I truly count each heartbeat. Believe me, when I say, only those whom we do not miss have in fact truly died. And since I am not in your life, I am a part of your soul, I am a part of who you are, and I shall never leave you alone.

Understand, I am in fact at home. I did not leave; I only went ahead. I went there where it all began, where in the future…we shall meet. So, because it is good, love life as I also loved life. And as you go, keep smiling. Simply smile for me as you go. Nothing and no one can separate usnot even what we call death.

Death cannot destroy love, and because you love me, it will remain. When the wind caresses your hair, simply know that it was I. I sit on the ladder to heaven. And love you from here above.

Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem Heaven’s Ladder has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem has helped me.
And Ed is now a Champ, a member of our eNewsletter group.

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

January 15, 2025

By Columnist Tom Blake

Patricia and Cowboy of Cut Bank, Montana

In November 2007, when my eNewsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50”, I received an email from a woman who lived in San Luis Obispo, California. She wrote, “I have been on Match.com off and on for several years, but I am not attracting the type of person I want. Twenty-five percent of the responses are from bikers so I must have something in my profile that attracts them.”

I included both her quote and my response to her in the eNewsletter. I said: “You are likely attracting bikers because they like to visit San Luis Obispo and would have someone to party with while ‘in town.’ For some reason, I picture those two buffoons in the movie Sideways, which was filmed near San Luis Obispo.

Another subscriber, Patricia, took issue with my words. She wrote, “I live in Paso Robles where they filmed much of the movie Sideways. Many ‘bikers’ live and work in the area and aren’t just passing through to party with someone.

“Two years ago, when I was 52, I read a profile on Match of a man, 53, whose road name is Cowboy that said, ‘Don’t let the biker thing scare you off. We are not a bad group; you might want to meet me before you make a judgment. A lot of us are real nice men.’

As a quirk of fate, Patricia met Cowboy, but it wasn’t online. She met him through friends when Cowboy was operating a backhoe in the friend’s yard. Their story was so unusual and inspiring, I included it the How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book I published in 2009.

Last week, 17 years later, Champ Patricia emailed “My husband Cowboy is amazing. Cowboy just had a total knee replacement on September 23rd, and he has been mobile and active for a couple of weeks.

“Everyone in Cut Bank (Montana), where we live now, knows what a big heart Cowboy has and people don’t hesitate to call him for help. Recently, he picked up an elderly man friend and carried him to his house because the man was too weak to get there by himself.

“Well, he just left the house to clear the snow off a couple’s driveway. The skid steer wouldn’t start, so he’s doing it by hand with a shovel! The couple needs to get his wife to physical therapy because she just had a knee replacement, and they can’t get their car out.

“How ironic is that? So off Cowboy went to help, with his knee already complaining about the 106 mile, 1 ½ hour drive each way, to Great Falls and back yesterday!

“I’m praying that Cowboy doesn’t do any harm to his knee. He’s getting the other knee replaced in just over a week, so he especially needs this knee to keep healing!

“I have intercepted a couple of calls to him and suggested they ask the local high school football team to help instead of my husband when they just need brute strength. Cowboy’s 72, and I don’t want him to injure his back or something else because he has too big of a heart to say no.”

I responded to Patricia and she wrote back, “It’s been 19 years since Cowboy and I met on October 13, 2005. Time sure flies, and the older we get, the faster it goes! I had a recent fall in October similar to your significant other Debbie’s recent fall, slamming the side of my head on the hardwood floor at home. I had a lovely black eye for two weeks. We knew to go to the ER for a CT scan, and, fortunately, I checked out okay.

“One advantage of a small town is that the hospital is only five minutes away, and I was the only patient in the ER! Much different from Mission Hospital where Debbie went. I’ve been there a couple of times, back when I lived in Dana Point. It’s a madhouse! I hope this finds you both happy and Debbie well on the road to recovery.”

Tom’s comment

I wrote about Patricia and Cowboy in 2009. Their story, Love On The Back Of A Harley is Chapter 12 in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” A lessons learned printed from Patricia’s and Cowboy’s story reads “While searching for a mate later in life, expand your horizons, reach and thinking. Two of the stories in this book are about women who met men who ride motorcycles and love their men dearly. Coincidentally, both women are named Patricia and both ride on the motorcycles with their men.”

Can you imagine? Champ Patricia and Cowboy met 19 years ago, and still share stories and love with me and you Champs. Let’s hope Cowboy’s second knee replacement is a success. He sounds like a wonderful loving man.

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”