where are the men?

Younger single senior men

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 8, 2021

by Tom Blake columnist

Responses to “Where Are the single senior men?”

Two weeks ago, the title of the eNewsletter was “Where are the men?” In that article, I quoted Marci, a single woman, age 70, who said: “I live in Orange County. I am retired and would love to meet an available, honest, adventurous man. Where is he?”

Normally, a comment like Marci’s would draw responses from men in their mid-70s and 80s+ who want to contact senior single women younger than they are. So, I was surprised when the first two men to respond were considerably younger than Marci.

One young widower, Capistrano Beach (a part of Dana Point), whom Greta and I have known for years, wrote, “I’m 56 and still single. It’s been tough dating lately thanks to COVID-19. I’m not giving up on women; they used to just fall in my lap without me looking.

“I guess I’m just too picky with the ladies, but I get flirted with a lot when I venture out to get a quick drink and a taste of social interaction. It’s all good because I’m really focused on doing fun stuff with my son, age 20, who is itching to get out there in the world before he moves out and moves on. When that happens, I’m sure I will be online dating. I’m still extremely busy with my work, which is good.”

Tom’s comment: This widower is a terrific person. Since his wife passed away a few years ago, he has devoted his life to raising his son. After his son moves out (and maybe before), I have no doubt that he will meet a fine woman. At 56, he reads our weekly eNewsletter and says he finds it “informative and entertaining.”

Another Tom, San Juan Capistrano, age 61, emailed that he’d like to contact Marci, who is 10 years older than he. I responded to Tom, “You asked for Marci’s email address. Of course, I always ask permission to give out someone’s email before passing it on to strangers. Marci notified me that she’s finally met a man who might even be marriage material. So, she’s out of the ballgame for now.

“However, it’s good to know you are 61 and live in SJC. I will keep my ears open for you. I have one idea of a nice potential mate in Orange County, but I need to check with her first. I will let you know.”

Also, writing this week was Connie who emailed: Hi Tom, I live in Laguna Niguel (Orange County, near Dana Point) and have known about you for ages but have never signed up for your email newsletter. I was at a family member’s house in San Juan Capistrano and saw your article titled ‘Where are the Single Men?’ in The Capistrano Dispatch paper.

“In that article, you mentioned that single women, when exchanging contact info with potential dates, should only give out to strangers a first name (not the last name) and email address, but not the home address.

“Well, my email, like yours, exposes my last name. I hate to manage too many more emails. I also manage another email as chairman of the City of Orange Hearing Loss Association. I’ve worn hearing aids for years and got a Cochlear Implant in one ear two years ago. We have been doing social events and some Zoom meetings. It’s been hard reading lips with people wearing masks, but we are used to finding creative ways to overcome obstacles.

“I have never been on a dating site. I guess I prefer the old-fashioned way. Maybe you can do a Zoom meeting for one of our upcoming meetings. We can title it ‘How to navigate the dating scene with a hearing loss.’ It would be hilarious.

“Thanks for all you do to keep others busy and happy. Amazing work! Like so many others, you never knew where your path was going to lead. I’m finally calling myself retired at 70, whatever that means.”

Tom’s response to Connie: “I didn’t think about women having their last name or first and last name in their email address when meeting new people when dating. I should have just looked at my own email address. I would consider you as a public figure, so you want people to recognize you and what you do, which presents a bit of a dilemma in sharing your last name with strangers.”

“For dating purposes, you could create a third email address but that would be another address with which to deal. If that is too much of a pain, you might decide to reveal your last name but be careful.

“I am impressed that you are chairman of the City of Orange Hearing Loss Association, and you hold social events and zoom meetings. “True, I did not know where my path would lead when 26 years ago, I wrote my first column in 1994. Combining newspaper and email eNewsletters, the total written has reached nearly 4,200. I have added you to the eNewsletter mailing list. I call our members Champs. Why? Because that’s what they are and now that’s what you are.

“Retired at 70, whatever that means? It means you will keep on being active and creative as you keep enriching your life and helping so many others.”

The Oil Spill

I think most of you are aware of the disastrous oil spill of 166,000 gallons this past weekend off the Southern California Coast. Seeing photos of dead sea animals and fish washing ashore is beyond sad. In April 2020, I wrote about witnessing a Standup Paddle Boarder (SUP) named Candice Appleby (considered to be the best woman paddleboarder in the world) rescuing a struggling baby sea lion by putting it on her board and bringing it ashore in Dana Point Harbor.

Candice Appleby with a rescued baby sea lion

She phoned ahead from her paddleboard to the Pacific Marine Mammal Center rescue team, to come to Baby Beach and take the baby seal to its facilities in nearby Laguna Beach. I was so impressed with Candice and the PMMC rescue team that I started contributing to the PMMC charity.

My SUP partner, Russell Kerr and I so love and appreciate those animals that it’s a cause close to our hearts. PMMC has rescued and returned to the ocean thousands of injured aquatic animals and birds over the past 50 years.

So, on the first of this month, when PMMC sent an email thanking me for my ongoing donation, I thought to myself, I need to contribute more because the PMMC is at the center of the rescue during this horrendous environmental tragedy. Even the beaches of Laguna Beach and Newport Beach, where they return healthy animals to the ocean, are closed. Dana Point Harbor is also closed.

I am not soliciting donations, but if you love animals, and can help with a small amount, it will help PMMC fight the damage being done by this oil slick. The PMMC team will be totally overwhelmed trying to save the sick animals. They said an update on Wednesday saying they would welcome some volunteers now. The link to the PMMC website:
https://www.pacificmmc.org

(Photo of the baby seal lion is courtesy of the PMMC.)

Where the Men Are

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 19, 2021

By columnist Thomas P Blake

Where the Men Are

Today’s eNewsletter reminds me of two songs. The first is Connie Francis’ 1961 song, “Where the Boys Are,” (link at end of this eNewsletter) which was the theme song for a movie of the same name. The movie was about four coeds seeking love on spring break in Florida.

At least twice a month for the 26 years I’ve been writing about dating, I’ve been asked “Where the men are?” and “Where do I meet senior men?” by women. If my math is correct, that would be approximately 624 times. And that’s a conservative number.

Sometimes, the question is stated differently. For example, this January, a woman wanted to know “where to meet a nice, decent man?” and another asked, “Where the senior single men are.”

My answer has always been that there is no place, of which I’m aware, where older single senior men go to hang out with the sole intention of meeting single women close to their age. Admittedly, there are some singles functions that single men attend, but the ratio is usually somewhere near four to five women to each man.

And then women say, “Some of those men aren’t potential mate-material.” Reasons cited: age, weight, still-married, broke, smoker, drinker, couch potato, kids living at home—the list can go on and on. So, in effect, a more realistic ratio is even greater, like six or seven to one, women to men. For women, those are pretty discouraging numbers.

However, one of our woman Champs has discovered a place where there are lots of older single unattached men. She emailed, “I live in California, but I bought a condo on the beach in Sarasota, Florida. I love it there!

“If it weren’t for my grandson living in California, I would move to Sarasota. Beautiful beaches, tons of museums, theaters, fantastic restaurants, hiking, biking, and water sports. It reminds me of a smaller, less-busy San Diego.

“Californians and East-coasters are moving to Sarasota in droves. A California couple rented, sight unseen, my house in Sarasota because they are building a custom home in Sarasota.”

Our Champ provided Sarasota population demographics: “41 percent married, 59 percent single, divorced or widowed; 48.7 percent men, 53.3 percent women. Where are you ever going to get those odds? The average male age is 46.2 and the female age is 52.4 (respective numbers higher in South Sarasota).

“I meet retired single men everywhere in Sarasota! Grocery store, beach, home-improvement stores, restaurants/ bars, walking, and living in my condo complex. It’s like a candy store for senior women!”

A candy store for senior women? Sarasota sounds too good to be true for senior women wanting to know where the eligible men are. But, Sarasota comes with some quirks, which our Champ explained:

“I returned from Florida yesterday and wanted to share some experiences that might make you laugh. In Sarasota, I made an appointment with my painter, Oscar (not his true name), a mid-30-year-old, to repaint my window sills after having hurricane windows installed. I employed him three times previously for various paint jobs.

“For some odd reason, this young man, after viewing the window sills and slider frames, decided to hug me and kiss me on the lips. I was so shocked I pushed him away and said “Oscar! I am old enough to be your grandmother! Please don’t do that!”

Tom’s comment: (Not to mention the danger during the pandemic).

“He left, looking chagrinned. Oscar returned and completed the paint job appearing crestfallen and quiet. He only charged me $250 for about six hours of work and said it was a ‘special discount’ just for me. I wonder what he would have charged if I had let him kiss me? LOL!

“The next day, I met with a photographer (mid-70s) to take photos of my condo for renting purposes. His name was the same as my ex-husband’s name so we joked about the coincidence. He is a widower who lost his wife to cancer after 52 years of marriage. He asked me to go on a date.

“He has had no luck with internet dating sites. He was a very nice man but I didn’t feel any chemistry. He was quite overweight. I told him I was leaving for CA in a few days so dating was probably not in our future. He still insisted I call him when I return to Florida. Maybe he will have lost some weight by then?

“Soooo…for all those women looking for a man, Sarasota is just teeming with single men of all ages looking for women. At least that has been my experience. BTW, my girlfriend, her husband, and I went out to happy hour one evening and another evening went out to dinner, then dancing. So enjoyable to do some ‘normal’ activities during this pandemic.”

The second song our Champ’s story reminds me of is the Eagles’ “Lyin’ Eyes,” because of this line:

“Every form of refuge has its price.”

Sarasota sounds like a great place to take refuge for senior single women, but, at a price: be prepared to be kissed by your 40-year-younger painter. Oh, and then there’s the cost of moving there.

The link to the Eagles’ song Lyin’ Eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PTEqZURh4o

The link to Connie Francis singing “Where the Boys Are.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqgl0VRJW0E

####

Now, with signs that the pandemic is easing, face-to-face dating will become more prevalent. Let’s hear what has changed in senior dating. Send me your questions and experiences to share with our Champs.

Also, some of you have asked why some weeks you are emailed two copies of the eNewsletter. The reason: If by Sunday, you haven’t opened Friday’s eNewsletter, I resend a copy because some people have told me that they inadvertently deleted the first one and want a second one sent. By sending a Sunday copy,only to people who didn’t open, it saves me from sending a bunch of individual emails.

Widow Happy in Brooklyn not dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Widow Happy in Brooklyn not dating

Champ Michele wrote, “I enjoy reading the On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter on dating, but I don’t participate much because I live in Brooklyn, NY. I have been widowed for 18 years (at age 49) and still miss my husband. I tried online dating but almost got scammed my first time. The few people that contacted me were beyond bizarre. I gave up on that.

“I have been to some dances, but the men seemed to ask the women to dance who were dressed very provocatively and that’s not me. I would leave the dances saying what is wrong with me. It was depressing. No one seems to know anyone. So, I gave up on that.

“Most single functions end up with the women far outnumbering the men. So, if a man, by some remote chance, asks you to dance, he acts like you should be so grateful that he chose you to ask over these other women. It’s like a meat market.

“I enjoy being with my friends and going on vacation. My attitude is, as my mom used to say, ‘If it’s meant to be it will be.’”

My answer to Michele

I’ve been writing about age 50-plus dating for 26 years, since 1994. My first few years’ articles focused on the challenges of dating later in life for both men and women. At that time, the ratio of single women to single men in their early 50s was approximately one-to-one.

As the years passed, that ratio slowly changed. More and more women contacted me, asking “Where are the men?” The single women to single men ratio drew closer to two-to-one for mid-60s people.

Men rarely wrote me. Either they had found somebody or became too inactive to participate in the dating game. Some men, me included, were still looking for a mate.

Some women said the ratio gap was even larger because many single senior men aren’t relationship material. I could see that finding a potential mate was becoming more difficult for women because fewer desirable men were available. But, good guys were and are still out there.

I remember the Dr. Ruth Westheimer response to a woman at an AARP convention who asked her, “Where are the men?” Dr. Ruth said, “The ratio is a fact of life. But, if you have a nice appearance and a positive attitude, and are willing to get out and socialize, you can effectively shrink that ratio.”

And then another phenomenon happened: A thing called the Internet emerged and online dating got its wake-up call. Women were drawn to it because they could reach out beyond their city and local boundaries to find men. A Brooklyn woman, such as Michele, could reach out to all the boroughs of New York City, which are nearby. Potential mates could meet without driving, by using the subways.

My partner Greta walking the Brooklyn Bridge, from the Manhattan side

It didn’t take long for senior romance scammers to figure out that lots of women online were lonely and vulnerable, especially widows. The romance scammers saw a fertile environment in which to rip off women.

Granted, lots of couples were formed as a result of the Internet but senior romance scams also bloomed. We try to educate the women about the scams.

Now, we find ourselves in our 60s, 70s, 80s and even 90s. That ratio has reached almost four-to-one by age 75. Women, such as Michele, share their stories of the lack of men at singles functions. Greta and I see it at our monthly Meet and Greet gatherings in Dana Point.

Saturday night, Greta and I were at the Greek Festival in nearby San Juan Capistrano. One of our woman Champs saw us and introduced herself. She even made the comment about the lack of single men at singles events. I found myself trying to explain the shortage of men to her, as I am to Michele today.

So, what can I say to Michele, who is “Happy in Brooklyn” spending time with her friends and traveling. She has given up on internet dating, singles dances, and singles functions. She is accepting her mom’s advice: “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Michele, I say, don’t give up on Senior Romance, keep your eyes open for opportunities to meet a potential mate.

Be assertive, not aggressive. By that I mean if you see a man when you are out and about, and he appeals to you (age close to yours, no wedding ring, no soup on his shirt, combed hair, no odor, no spinach in his teeth), make a friendly comment, such as: “Nice jacket, nice car, nice dog, what’s the dog’s name? Where do you buy your spinach?”

Or, if you see him in the food mart, say: “Is this a good wine?” or, “Is this watermelon ripe?”

In the Post office, “Boy, these lines are long?”

On a cruise ship: “Where’s the dining room?”

At the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles): “How many hours have you been here?”

Anything spontaneous. He may be hoping to meet someone but he’s shy. Be ready to pop the question: “Want to have coffee?” Be ready to pay for the coffee (his and yours). If he’s worth his salt, he’ll offer at the least to go Dutch. Better yet, he’ll offer to pay the tab. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, at least smile and/or even wink. Have a positive attitude.

That’s where we are now, 26 years later.

I hope Michele doesn’t give up on Internet dating but if she does, I understand. Traveling by subway to meet blind dates would be scary now. But local New Yorkers could travel by subway to Brooklyn to see her. As I recall Brooklyn Heights has some nice cafes

There are so many Internet dating sites online I can’t believe it. Everyday, there is a new advertisement in my email inbox. I can’t imagine the ratios are any better on those sites when compared to singles functions.

Continue to get out and enjoy life and your women friends as best you can. But above all, don’t give up on Senior Romance. You are still a young pup and deserve happiness.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 24, 2019 – Two parts today:

Part One “From the Mailbag”

Part 2 – Wednesday night’s Meet and Greet (with photos)

Part One – From the mailbag – responses to Where are the men?

I’m surprised. Despite last week’s eNewsletter being laden with Census Bureau statistical information about people age 65 and older, which I thought would be boring to some, a surprising number of sage responses arrived in my email inbox.

Some of the responses, had the usual off-the-wall twists and humor in them. A few of those comments follow, with my responses back to the senders. Women wonder: where are senior men?

Mohammed Gariba (unedited) emailed, “How can i get widow to marry iam in Ghana”

As you can surmise, particularly from the poor grammar, I suspected a scammer. Not to mention, an individual who was geographically undesirable. Usually, I ignore emails like that. But, a couple of brief replies popped into my head so I answered Mohammed:

“How can you get a widow to marry you? Have you asked one?”

And this: “Move to Alaska.”

He responded, “I will do that if I have the means.”

His dilemma solved.

@@@

Andrew emailed, “Tom, you wrote, When you consider that many of those men included are in a relationship, or don’t want to be in a relationship, or never married, or aren’t ‘relationship material,’ as some women point out, the realistic ratios are much larger.”

Maybe there are a similar proportion of women in a relationship, etc., etc., so the realistic ratios remain the same.”

Tom to Andrew: “Good point. I considered it. But more women than men express the not-relationship-material aspect. Regardless, whatever the actual, realistic, ratio, it’s still tougher on women than men. Where are senior single men is asked often. ”

@@@

Thomas (not I) emailed, “Five years ago, I lived in San Clemente and twice attended your deli Greet and Meets. I have since moved to Salida, CO.

“I still believe I am one of those men that can’t find that woman to be with the rest of my life. I bought a motor home this past year and spent the winter in Texas and AZ. I am 80 and in good health. So, I am asking the question, ‘Where are all the women?’”

My reply, “There are lots of wonderful, single women in Texas and AZ. Perhaps your RV park was geographically undesirable. Once you are encamped in those areas, you still need to get off the couch, and out of the motor coach, and seek outside activities where others will be. Just hanging around the RV park won’t be enough.

Belinda, “OMG. HOW DEPRESSING.”

My reply: “I didn’t intend for the column to be depressing; I felt it substantiated what I’ve been saying for years–the ratios make it more difficult for women.

“And yet, it’s not impossible to find a mate later in life. I published a hardcover book titled, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, a few years back that featured 58 couples who had found love.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/how-50-couples-found-love-after-50

Many of those couples are still Champs and remain together. Meeting a mate later in life takes effort, and some luck. But, it can and does happen.

@@@

Champ Jim, a humor columnist (RaisingDad column) for the Desert Exposure Magazine in New Mexico (www.desertexposure.com), responded to the May 9 eNewsletter, about the woman who complained about her partner who spends time in the backyard, ostensibly flirting with neighbor women.

Jim wrote, “I wasn’t planning on responding, but since the response to that lady’s complaints seems to be 100% against her partner, I thought I’d give an opposing perspective.

“First, two stories:

(1) “I have a cousin who went on a group trip to Italy with his wife. During the trip, whenever he would recommend that they do something, his wife would defer. She preferred staying at the hotel and enjoying the amenities.

“My cousin was disappointed, but what could he do? He went off to enjoy the sights alone. When they returned from the trip, within the year, he and his wife had divorced, and he was involved with another lady he had met on the trip.

(2) “My mother could talk to anyone. My father, not so much. Whenever they would go anywhere, my mother would end up talking to whomever happened to be within hearing distance. My father, on the other hand, would be sidelined by his own choice, fuming. Who was at fault? My friendly mother or my unsocial father?

“Like you, I don’t know that lady’s situation, but I do know there are two sides to every story. Other than (he) being, in her opinion, overly friendly, her partner doesn’t seem to be committing any great sin.

“Maybe she can quibble about how the household chores have shaken out, but, really, what has this guy done? Is he a drunk? A freeloader? A womanizer? Does he beat her? Berate her? Disappear for great lengths of time with no explanations upon his return?

“Apparently, no. His sin is that he likes to work on his yard and flirt with his neighbors. Is that so bad?

“Like my cousin’s ex-wife, maybe if she had joined him in the activities he enjoyed, she wouldn’t have felt quite so ignored. Same for my father.”Ramping up for the Wednesday night Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, CA.

Susie, Fairfax, Va., emailed on Tuesday, prior to the event, “Why don’t they have more meet and greets for older, young-at-heart people over 70?”

Tom’s response to Susie: “My question is: Who are the they you refer to? The government? Restaurants? Senior Centers?

“My experience, as a former restaurant owner, is: Meet and Greets take time to plan, and then it’s hard to predict who will show up. If, not enough men attend, women complain.

“Plus, for restaurants, seniors don’t spend much money so there is little financial incentive for restaurants to sponsor events like that. The restaurants prepare food that might go to waste if the turnout is poor. Then, they have extra staff members on hand and that costs money.

“The event Greta and I helped with took hours of prep work by the deli staff and new owners, including purchasing extra wine and beer, promoting the event, and contacting people. I hoped for at least 50 attendees.

The Champs who sent RSVPs were all women, not one of our male Champs said they would attend; so, I hoped this wouldn’t be a disappointing event. I understand that people have other obligations and can’t always attend.

One woman wrote: “After 17 years of being single after two divorces, I’ve seen what’s out there. It ain’t pretty.”

I responded: “Who knows? Maybe a few good men will attend the Meet and Greet in Dana Point on Wednesday from 5 to 7. You live just down the road from Dana Point, 10 to 15 minutes away. Might you join us at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, DP 92629?

She said, “I don’t have a car, so no.”

What? I thought, but didn’t say to her: “Have you heard of Lyft or Uber?”

Her comment made me think about an article, that Kip, a buddy who kayaks at Dana Point Harbor, told me about, that appeared in the May 14, 2019, Los Angeles Times online newspaper. It was titled, “For lonely men in Spanish towns, the ‘caravan of women’ brings hope of love,” written by Meg Bernhard.

I accessed the article online out of curiosity because of our “Where are the men?” article. I ended up reading it because of how well written it was—a fascinating article.

It’s too long to get into it in this eNewsletter, other than to say, it talks about 50 single older women who live in Madrid, Spain. They each paid $23 to take a charter bus to Calzadilla De La Cueza Spain, a tiny town (24 permanent residents), four hours away, in hopes of meeting the single men there. They were in the tiny town in a bar for about eight hours.

The return bus headed back to Madrid at 4 a.m., arriving at 8. Women in this country who think they have a hard time meeting men, should read this story. Again, it is incredible journalism.

Bottom line: It’s hard to meet older single men anywhere in the world. Not just in the USA. Link to that story:

https://www.latimes.com/world/la-fg-col1-spain-women-caravan-20190514-htmlstory.html

And finally, Champ Sue said, “I live near Chicago and don’t know how to find the boys! I just keep hoping. Have a beautiful day.”

Part 2 – Meet and Greet recap from Wednesday night

We hadn’t had a Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point CA in four years. So, I didn’t know what to expect.

Early crowd at the deli

People started arriving before 5 p.m. By 5:15, there were 50 people there. By 5:30, nearly 100. They kept coming into the deli. Greta was filling in name tags as fast as she could write. Jackie Hammond and her sister Judy Frank arrived.

Greta, Jackie, Tom, and Jackie’s sister Judy (Jackie graciously shared many of the photos taken with her camera that are shown here today)

About 15 of our Champs attended. Stella took a bus from Newport Beach, just as she did five years ago. Marinell came early and introduced herself. Then Mary Ann joined the party.

Greta and Tom with Mary Ann (photo courtesy of Mary Ann)

Champ Susie was there and seemed thrilled with the group. Mirtha came with friends. Dee, who had been to many Meet and Greets, arrived with her daughter Julie, and Julie’ significant other, Vince.

And yes there were men, I count five in this picture

Guys there: included Ken, Jim, Cluny, Vince, Cliffy, Bob and Mike—seven guy pals of mine.

Yes, there were more single women than men, but men did show. At one point, I counted 20 men interspersed with the women. It was a great way to introduce the new deli owners, Samantha and Elena, who hugged more people in one night than most of us hug in a year.

One table of women had an international flare—they were from Mexico, France, Bulgaria, and Iran.

Greta’s family and friends were there in droves—sisters DeDe and Jeanne, and her son, Tony, who was the volunteer bartender, just as he’d been five years before, and her daughter Terri. Her long-time friend Lula. Several members of Greta’s Dippy Dolphins Water Aerobics class attended.

Tom with 2 owners–Elena and Samantha– behind him on the right side

One of the first couples who met at our first Meet and Greet six years ago—Fred and Joanne—were there with friends. And another couple, Jack and Joanne (not the same Joanne) who say they met because of my articles that encouraged them to keep trying years ago were all smiles.

Tony the bartender (Greta’s son). He looks busy because–he was

What more can I say? Great night. When addressing the group, I asked the people, when for the June Meet and Greet? Oh my Gosh. Not on Tuesdays, that’s Taco Tuesdays. Wednesdays? No, that’s country dancing night at
Stillwater Restaurant and some people go to church on that night. Third Thursday? Nope, that’s the Chamber of Commerce mixer night.

At home, Greta and I flipped a coin. It was heads: the next event will be Thursday, June 27, 5 to 7 p.m. My guess is, Tutor and Spunky’s is going to be packed on that night. Stay tuned.

Where the single senior men are

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2019 – Where the single senior men are
by Columnist Tom Blake

In 1961, Connie Francis had a popular song called, “Where the Boys Are,” which was the song track for a movie of the same name. In the song, she sang, “…Where the boys are, my true love will be. He’s walkin’ down some street in town and I know he’s lookin’ there for me…”

Connie Francis “Where The Boys Are” Album Cover

Thirty-three years later, in 1994, my first column was published, inspired by a surprise divorce. By then, those boys Connie sang about were men, and women started asking me “Where are the single senior men?” And there were times back then when I wondered where the women near my age were.

As readers have aged along with me during the ensuring quarter century, “Where are the men?” remains the most frequently asked question I hear. If anything, I hear it more often now and there’s a reason for that. The ratio of single women to single men keeps getting larger.

Where are the men? She’s looked everywhere (including under a pile of rocks)

For years, I’ve written and stated that the ratio was in the neighborhood of two-to-three to one.

When I saw this week that the Census Bureau recently published some new statistics on the 65-and-older population, I decided to see if I could get an accurate updated ratio of single women to single men.

The study was conducted in 2016 with a sample size of 3.5 million households across the USA and Puerto Rico. Every county in the nation was included. The numbers listed were estimates based on the sample size.

I analyzed the 25-page report to see if it provided information that would be of interest or helpful to our Champs.

First off, there were 49.2 million people in 2016, age 65 and older.

Women outnumbered men, 27.4 million to 21.8 million. The survey broke down the information into three age groups: 65 to 74; 75 to 84; and, 85 and older.

In the 85 and older group, there were just 6.3 million people, which included 2.2 million men, about a million of whom were single.

The survey revealed that widows outnumbered widowers by three to one, although in the 85 and older category, the ratio is two to one. It’s hard for a widow to find a widower to date at that older age.

Let’s look at the number of non-married senior women and men in the USA in each age category and the ratio of women to men.

65 to 74 – 6.8 million non-married women, 3.8 million men = ratio 1.8 to one

75 to 84 – 4.9 million non-married women, 1.8 million men = ratio 2.7 to one

85 & up – 3.5 million non-married women, 1.0 million men = ratio 3.5 to one

Those ratios don’t seem as bad as I thought. However, when you consider that many of those men included are in a relationship, or don’t want to be in a relationship, or never married, or aren’t “relationship material,” as some women point out, the realistic ratios are much larger. So, how many eligible guys are left? It’s Slim Pickins! And, the older people get, the slimmer the pickins’ become.

By age 85, 72 percent of the women were widowed.

So, when women say to me, “What’s wrong with me? I can’t meet a nice man.” The answer simply is, “There is nothing wrong with you, numbers don’t lie. There just aren’t that many older men available.

Other tidbits from the study

1 Labor Force – For 65 and older, 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women were in the labor force. Trends showed the number of people 65+ in the workforce is increasing, especially in the 65 to 74 age category. For 85 and older, 3.7 percent of men and 1.5 percent of the women are still working.

Women worked more in the service and sales and office sectors. Men worked more in production, transportation, construction and maintenance sectors.

2 Caregiving – The study revealed a surprising number of older grandparents (27 percent for people in age 65-74 category) who provided care for their co-resident grandchildren. This can also affect the dating situation. Many caregivers don’t have time to date and possible mates might be reluctant to get involved.

3 Disabilities – can affect dating. The study states, “The proportion of the older population with some disability increased with age.” Heck, we all know that.

Forty-eight percent of people 85 and above have serious difficulty walking or climbing stairs, so single level residences become more important to them.

4 Income – The study stated, “The most common type of household income received in the past 12 months (2016) among the 65 and older population was Social Security (90 percent).

So, it’s not just stats, ratios and numbers that reveal why dating as we age is tough. Other factors described above figured in. But, let us not forget that there still are many, many couples who meet and become committed after age 50 and 60.

Keep in mind that these stats and numbers were estimates from the 2016 survey, but, as they say, they are close enough for government work.

Too bad, 58 years after Connie Francis sang “Where the Boys Are,” we can’t get her to sing a new song: “Where the Men Are.” She is 80 years old; her song would be an inspiration to many of our Champs.

Link to Where The Boys Are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41_jI3vsuyE

A reminder : there will be a Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, this coming Wednesday, May 22 from 5 to 7 p.m. Greta and I will be there to say hello. Complimentary appetizers and $3 wine and beer. Telephone 949 248-9008.