Senior sex and commitment

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 21, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Senior dating is difficult with a myriad of challenging issues–trying to meet people to date, the lack of available single men, ghosting, scamming, gaslighting, dating married men, and a plethora of different relationship types such as long-distance, non-romantic, friends-with-benefits, and living-apart-together relationships, for example.

And then there’s another important senior dating issue that I tend to avoid: senior sex and intimacy. Why? It’s too personal! I feel uncomfortable writing about it, although I think it’s an important issue for seniors and I admit I’m physical myself.

Usually, the topic of senior sex and intimacy gets included in this eNewsletter when a Champ fires off a question or comment that makes me squirm a little. It happened this week when Champ Jerry, not his true name, sent an email. He and I have been buddies for a couple of years and I thought this is an important topic for seniors.

Jerry emailed, “It is weird being out there at age 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that all the men they meet just want to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Generally, those women state it’s not worth the bother. Consequently, many senior women simply avoid the dating scene entirely.

“It is just my impression, but when you start sleeping together it becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment.”

Comment by Tom: “Geez, Jerry, thanks for clarifying the sleeping together/commitment issue. That may be helpful to some of those men referred to above who just want sex without a commitment.”  

Jerry continued: “I really like sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment. The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique in my feelings but, who knows?”

Quirky but not kinky

Jerry added, “So here is the quirky thing. I live in the city of Laguna Woods, in Orange County, California, with 18,000 people over the age of 55, mainly property owners. Of those, 6,000 are men and 12,000 are women. I am assuming that 5,000 of the men are married, which leaves 1,000 single men.

The dreaded senior dating ratio

“The remaining 5,000 married men are married to women of Laguna Woods, which leaves approximately 7,000 unattached women living here. That represents an approximate ratio of single women to single menof seven-to-one. I have heard the ratio is more like eight-to-one, also a ballpark figure. Some women–consistent with the lack of interest in dating that I mentioned above–are not available to date. Regardless, that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.”

Comment from Tom: I have referred to this ratio in previous eNewsletters and newspaper columns as “The dreaded senior dating ratio.” An 8-to-1 ratio is pretty dreadful, and so is seven-to-one.

Jerry continued, “I have some lady friends that appeal to me on one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the Physical stage, a la the Olivia Newton-John 1981 record. I suspect it will come but who knows when?  ‘T’is a conundrum.”

Tom’s comment: Often, when a song is mentioned in an eNewsletter or one pops into my head, a link is included to that song. But I must admit I wasn’t a fan of that Physical song, and the video is kind of sleazy so no link to it is included today.


Jerry concluded with: “The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It is not her fault that I don’t float her boat. The ending remark is from a friend who a lifetime ago said “Om, All will be revealed. Om.”

Tom’s summary comment: I would think an 81-year-old single guy living in the same small community as 7,000 single women aged 55-plus could find a compatible woman who appeals to him physically and she to him. Perhaps, he’s undecided because there are so many desirable women from which to choose.

And then there is the commitment issue that accompanies the senior sex topic.

Of course, how single seniors define commitment as it pertains to senior sex needs to be decided between consenting partners. Dating exclusively? Living together? Getting married (doubtful)? Personally, I think an exclusive commitment is the way to go.

Let’s hear what Champs have to say about this touchy subject.

And speaking of commitments, to enjoy these “Humps,” a commitment of 300 yards is required

Why can’t senior men be just friends without wanting senior sex?

September 20, 2019

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – September 20 2019

Tom Blake 26 years of writing columns

Senior sex and intimacy

Why can’t senior men be just friends without wanting senior sex?

Champ Althea emailed, “Why can’t senior men be just friends without wanting senior sex with a lady? I’m having a problem with that. It has happened to me more than three times recently at age 70.

“It also happened when I first started dating in my 50s. I was divorced at 51.

“I meet a man and he’s nice, we get along, share humor and activities we like. But I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to him, but I like his company and would like to be friends and do things together.

“I tell him this and he says okay, but he will continually try and pursue a romantic relationship even after I’ve explained my feelings.”

Althea said she met a man who lives in the same small city on Craigslist over a year ago. She found out after four dates that his wife had passed away only two months before. She told him that he was still grieving and should hold off on dating. She said he was even thinking of romance that soon after losing his wife.

She told him she enjoyed his company, but she was not physically attracted to him. They stopped dating.

Althea continued, “He stayed in touch with me, texting every now and then and wanting to know if I’d see him again. It took me until this summer for me to say okay.

“But then, off he went! On the same train of thought. Again, I explained that I liked him, really liked his company and would like to do things together, but that I was not attracted to him romantically or sexually.

“He still brought up romance, would hug me, touch me… try to get me to change my mind. He even stole a kiss when I only bent in to hug him goodbye. He then said, ‘Aha, I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time!’

“My girlfriend told me that was rude and disrespectful of him and that he didn’t understand boundaries. Yeah, I was shocked. And he’s not the first to act like this!

“So, tell me, is it only when a man doesn’t find a woman attractive that he can and will be friends with her? What I’ve heard is, a man won’t spend time with a woman he feels is unattractive or isn’t attracted to. Huh???

“What is your take on this? Why can’t a man, who is lonely, has no one to go out with and do things with, be content to spend times as friends with a woman he likes and enjoy her company without it having to go romantic or sexual?

“I am interested in what other women, and men, might say on this subject because it really bugs me on the whys and how comes.”

Tom’s response: Over the years, I’ve written on this topic or a variation of it from time to time, and, posted 15 of those newsletters on my website under the category, Senior Sex and Intimacy. At the conclusion of today’s article, I describe how to access those 15 website articles.

I copied four quotes from one of those articles—two quotes from men and two from women.

Man #1 said, “I’m always amused at the ‘surprise’ women report when the men they date want sex. Here’s a bulletin for females in that category: Men date to get sex! That’s not all that bad, because for lots of guys like me, that’s the minimum relationship requirement.”

Man #2, Mason, stated, “Women need to realize that when men leave after having sex, it isn’t because of the sex. They would have left anyway. Any man that has true attraction for a woman will stay. Sex is not the issue, it’s simply that he determined she’s not the right woman.”

Kathy said, “Women get short-sighted and connect sex with love. Men don’t associate sex with love like we do!”

Sandi, “Men are hard-wired so differently from women. I think by now we know sex is uppermost in men’s thinking process.”

I’ll take a stab at an answer. And, perhaps Champs will share their thoughts.

Most of the men I know enjoy physical contact with women. They are, as Sandi stated above, “hard-wired” that way. If a man is attracted to a woman, in addition to doing things together–movies, plays, travel, camping, dinner, walking, for example—chances are he wants the physical contact as well.

I am not talking about casual sex just to have sex with women. I’m talking about having physical contact with the woman he’s dating and cares about. To me, that seems natural.

If a man is interested in a relationship with a woman, he’ll wait until she’s ready to have sex. Of course, at some point he may decide the situation is never going to change–as in Althea’s case above–and he’ll move on to be with a woman who is physically attracted to him.

And, I have a question for Althea: Were there any men you were attracted to? Maybe the problem is you are “Looking for love in all the wrong places,” as singer Johnny Lee sang in his song, Looking For Love, featured in the soundtrack from the 1970 movie Urban Cowboy. (See link to that song at the end of the article, featuring John Travolta (Bud) and Debra Winger (Sissy).

                      Looking for love in all the wrong places

Also, for Althea, that man who pursued you likely kept trying because he was attracted to you. He hoped you’d change your feelings toward him. He felt you were worth waiting for.

And as far as him stealing that kiss. Really now, is that rude and disrespectful, as your girlfriend says? Take it as a compliment. At least the guy had some cojones, and a little fire in his belly. And at age 71, he’s still got a little testosterone working.

For me, I wouldn’t be in a relationship without my woman being willing to share hugs and affection. That was one of the things Greta and I had in common when we first met—and it’s still there after 21 years.

I understand Althea’s frustration. And one item she mentioned I agree with: I don’t understand why a man who is lonely, and has no one, isn’t willing to have a friend without benefits. It seems that would be better than not having a friend at all.

                               END OF COLUMN

To access those 15 articles on

Go to the home page. Under my photo near the top is a green horizontal tab running across the page. To the right on that tab, you may see the categories appear near the top. Scroll down to the Senior Sex and Intimacy category. Click on that and it will pull up those 15 articles.

If that doesn’t do the trick, go to the eNewsletters listing in the green tab. Hover your mouse over that, which should pull up the categories. Scroll down to the Senior Sex and Intimacy category.

Looking for Love Urban Cowboy link: