Senior Dating Profile Dishonesty

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Issue 9, February 28, 2020

Nine geographically diverse women comment on senior dating profile dishonesty

by Columnist Thomas P Blake

Women Champs have center stage today to conclude the discussion on senior dating profile dishonesty

Shelley, San Diego, “I did not encounter men who lied about their age but back in 2016 when I was on OK Cupid a younger man messaged me. His profile picture was just his face and I could tell he was overweight.

“MY profile stated I was ‘healthy-physically fit and active and looking for the same.’ Against my better judgement, I agreed to meet this man and when he showed up at the public park where I asked him to meet me, he was enormously FAT. He could hardly walk the few steps from the parking lot.

“I didn’t rush off as I wanted to- we talked for over an hour and he told me he needed a hip replacement and he had had a heart attack the previous year. Then, he asked when we might meet again, and he said he wanted to go on a road trip with me!

“OMG!  I was very polite-said I had three other dates lined up in the next few days and would be in touch with him. He emailed me the next day saying what a wonderful woman I was and he couldn’t wait to see me again. I replied I would be in touch. He kept badgering me.

“Finally I emailed him and said I met someone I really clicked with-it wasn’t true but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He then began leaving me voicemails saying what an awful woman I was and that I had led him on!

“What? So, I wrote him and told him not to communicate with me again.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I’ve been dating for a long time, and always say my right age, which is now 80, and post full-length pictures as well.

Cynthia, Watertown, New York, “You matched me up with a gentleman last year. Well, we were politically incompatible and quite frankly there were no sparks for me. We went out three times. I appreciate the try. If you come across someone 56-76 years old. (I am 66).”

Tom’s response to Cynthia, “Regarding that attempted fix up a few months ago. The reason I suggested you two communicate with each other was that you lived within a reasonable distance to each other in the upstate New York area.

“From that experience, you now know firsthand why I’ve often said I’m not a matchmaker. There was no way I could know about the potential chemistry or lack thereof between the two of you, and I hadn’t considered that your political preferences might be different.

“That comment brings up another important compatibility measure on dating profiles: Political preferences. For some, that can be a deal breaker so being upfront about that on one’s profile is a good idea to keep two people from wasting each other’s time by meeting in person—especially in this president-election year when feelings are escalated.

“I avoid writing about politics as there’s a chance that nearly half of my readers might get upset. That and religion. Those two topics I avoid, which may be one of the reason’s I’m still writing after 27 years, and nearly 4,000 articles.

“At least you and I tried to find you a potential mate.”

Robbie, Orange County California, “Absolutely a turnoff when you take the liberty to fib about your age. It begins a basic level of distrust (for me) that would be very hard to overcome. So much easier to be honest and straightforward even if it’s meeting for a coffee.”

Susie, Virginia, “I have been tempted to put down a younger age. I just turned 78 and look years younger and act it too, but I feel my age is holding me back to meet men.

“I have always dated and married men that were five to 10 years younger than I, but now it seems men are not interested in a woman my age. What give’s Tom?”

Tom’s response to Susie: “Your comment that you’ve always dated and married men five to 10 years younger makes me wonder how many times you’ve been married.

What give’s? It’s likely not a lack of interest as much as a lack of men. At your age, 78, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately four-to-one. And women sometimes point out that not all of the men included in the ratio are relationship material. Of course, that same sentiment is felt by some men about the women as well.

Rhonda, South Orange County, California, “Interesting and somewhat amusing topic here. Your fact-finding mission and hypothesis on the rationale (of the 81-year-old man who lied to Arlene) are on point. And your math skills as well!

“I was on a dating site and one guy I met up with was also a good eight years older than he stated and when we discussed it, he claimed he couldn’t change it on the site. Seriously?

“I’ve had girlfriends mention to me, ‘Oh, just tweak it a little bit; tell them you’re 58 or 59, then you’re under the age-60 bracket.’ I was born in 1956, I’m 63 and that’s just the way it is. I am who I am and I’m not going to lie about it.

“If a guy is deceptive about his age, then what ELSE is he being dishonest about? What a way to start a relationship – based on white lies, half-truths and? Not for me!

“I have integrity and good moral character and that’s just part of who I am, even if I’m ‘too old’ for some. Someday I’m thinking a man will be glad to have me by his side ‘as is!”

Cynthia S., Kansas City, Kansas, “I am on Silver Singles and eHarmony and I totally understand what Champ Arlene is saying about men lying on their profiles.

“Even worse than age lying is posting old photos in order to appear more attractive. Recently, I had two cases in which two gentlemen posted nice looking pictures. When I queried them on how old these photos were, they said yeah maybe seven years or so. I then requested that they post current pictures as I had done.

“The pictures that were then posted on their profiles were amazing. The men looked a lot older and in fact, were almost not recognizable from their original photos! Ye gads, how would I recognize them if I met them at a restaurant? This is frustrating to say the least.

“I understand they want to attract women, but I say, ‘post recent photos and be truthful about your age; it will be better for you in the long run.”

Jackie, Florida, “Right out lying is wrong! How can you trust anything else if they lie on one thing? It doesn’t hurt to do a background check or investigation if the relationship is getting serious. Amazing what you can find on the internet.

Tom’s comment: As mentioned earlier in this eNewsletter: check out a potential date’s person’s political leanings, if that matters to you. Knowledge is power, or something like that.

Laurie, South Orange County, California, “After a year on eHarmony, I found a great guy.  After jumping through their hoops and talking on the phone several times, we met up. The photo was apparently from several years in the past and he was heavier by far than in the photos.  We had a good time, though, and when he called me the next day, I told him he misrepresented himself.

“I was blunt about his appearance, but we kept talking and he apologized, claiming not to have any current photos.  I suspect it was one of those half-lies. We dated for nearly three years, so no regrets. He always teased me that my confrontation on the phone was the “morning massacre.”  I’m nice or I would have called our first date the “rude awakening.”

We’ve had many serious comments (with one or two humorous exceptions) on this topic in the last three eNewsletters. So, I put together a brief senior man’s online dating profile for fun, with a huge tongue-in- cheek. Please men, do not take it seriously.


Tom’s tongue in cheek senior man dating profile. Lighten up everybody!
###

Next week will bring a new topic pertinent to older singles. What will it be? It depends on what lands in my inbox.

Dating profile dishonesty

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter –  Issue 8, February 21, 2020

10 senior men comment on dating profile dishonesty

by Tom Blake

Women often say that men don’t comment much in these eNewsletters.

As I read the responses from last week’s article, which featured Champ Arlene’s date with a guy, 81, who had advertised that he was 71 on a website dating profile— an unusual thing happened while the responses starting coming in.

The first eight responses came from men and they all mentioned dating profile dishonesty. That’s never happened before. Usually, it’s the women who quickly comment and the men’s responses trickle in over the next few days.

So today, we are going to feature responses from nine men, plus my comments, for a total of 10 responses from men.

The topic: Senior men comment on dating profile dishonesty

Ben said, “Tell a lie and you will surely not remember what you said, but, tell the truth and honesty will shine in you.”

Terry, aka, The Funny Plumber: “Age is a funny thing. My body is 78; but both brains still think 18.”

Tom’s comment: “You’re a dog, Terry. But we love the heck out of you.”

Larry: “The 81-year-old guy should try a Filipino! Age gaps of 30,40 and even 50 years are accepted and not uncommon in the Philippines.”

Tom’s response to Larry: “But, that’s a long way to travel to meet a date in person.

Army (a man’s nickname): “The guy’s story sounds like a cabbie in NYC. If he’s at 6th Avenue, and the fare is at 75th, he might call in that he’s at 45th, so he would appear to be the closest and get the fare.”

Tom’s comment: Army’s right. Technically, it’s a lie, but it’s a marketing technique to at least get a shot at getting the fare.

Sid, “Interesting you mentioned Tony Bennett last week, who at 94 is still touring. I remember seeing him sing, ’I Left My Heart in San Francisco” at the Hotel Fairmont Venetian Room in San Francisco in 1965. I was just about to deploy to Viet Nam, so that makes me 76.”

Tom’s reply to Sid: At the start of the Viet Nam War in 1963, I was based at the Naval Station Subic Bay, Philippines. The day the war began, three US ships were dispatched from Subic to Viet Nam. My ship, the USS Noble, APA 218, was one of the three. We had 3,000 Marines on board; it was a scary time. The plan was for the ship to go up the Saigon River to drop the troops off and pick up Americans to evacuate them from Saigon.

About an hour before the ship entered the river mouth, the plan was cancelled. For 45 days, we just patrolled around off the coast of Cap St. Jacques before returning to Subic Bay. The Marines never got off the ship in Viet Nam.

When the ship returned to Subic 45 days later, a beautiful woman Filipino entertainer at the Officer’s Club sang, “I Left My Heart in San Francisco.” Not a dry eye in the place.

John, “I agree with Christine Baumgartner (dating and relationship expert and a Champ). Honesty and transparency are recommended for anyone using online dating sites.
Finding a relationship is difficult enough, but lying, even a little, reduces your chances; it doesn’t increase them.

“If the guy had been honest and upfront, Arlene might have enjoyed something in common, like staying on ships for a cruise or deployment. She might have accepted the age difference so she could evaluate other elements on his profile for compatibility.

“Instead, of him thinking a small lie wouldn’t matter, it became the focus for her or anyone else that she found unacceptable. It’s hard to focus on any other factor that might support compatibility once something–considered dishonest–becomes the 800-pound gorilla sitting with them at the table.

“Driving to work the other morning, I heard that Robert Wagner just turned 90.The amount of energy he displays in his guest appearances on NCIS encourage the rest of us and justifies when I read this on one of my t-shirts: “Yes, I’m old, but at least I made it.”

“Last Wednesday, I was asked how old I am. I truthfully replied: physically, 67; mentally
between 5 to 8 years old.

“A good topic. I know the female experiences will help teach all of us something to
consider and understand.”

Note from Tom: The women will have their opportunity to discuss dating profile dishonesty in next week’s eNewsletter.

Wayne, “Almost everyone I have met on Match.com lied about something, the age of their pictures, their age, their goals, etc.

“Many also do not reveal much about themselves in their profile. Naturally, I deleted all
the women who I detected were not being forthcoming or willing to share basic information about themselves.

“I’m sure men are guilty of the same thing. Maybe you can initiate a column on the
value of transparency in online dating sites. Why waste other’s time if you are unwilling
to be transparent in your dating profile?”

Art, “I started on POF (Plenty of Fish) in 2008 and I put my correct age from the beginning.

My thinking was, and still is, that once I meet a lady in person, the truth will be evident, and I would be branded as a liar if I had fibbed on my profile.

“I also don’t want to date women who are much younger, since they may likely be still
working and not able to meet during the week.

“I am 81, and the lady I’m seeing is 78. She has been retired about the same length of time, and we are a good match age-wise and have many mutual interests.”

Kenny, “My question: ‘Is, describing one’s body type as ‘average,’ when one is (VERY) obviously, seriously overweight,’ considered ‘lying?’

“Also, while posting your ‘true age,’ is posting long-ago photos at a much, much younger age acceptable?

“Or, are these two modus operandi simply ‘creative’ advertising/marketing?

“I have been on more than a few ‘meet & greets’ where the gals have posted their
correct age on their dating profiles, but were much, MUCH older-looking when
finally meeting face-to-face.

“And, on a lunch first-date last weekend, the gal was a good 40-50 pounds heavier
than ‘average body type,’ which she had stated in her profile.

“I guess my new internet dating mantra should be: When viewing dating-profile photos,
don’t trust the ‘head shots.’”

Based on what the men stated above, here are

Men comment on five ways people are guilty of dating profile dishonesty  

1. They post an age younger than their true age
2. They display an out-of-date photo that shows them as much younger than they are
3. They show only a “head shot” to disguise the remainder of the body
4. They select an “average body type” when they are a “much larger” body type
5. They show a photo of their dog or cat instead of their photo.

Lying about age on senior dating profile

  On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter –  Issue 7, February 14, 2020


Is Lying about age on senior dating profile acceptable?

by Columnist Tom Blake

This week, Champ Arlene, mid-60s, shared a story about a man who contacted her on a senior dating website. His profile stated he was 71, close enough in age, she felt, to be a potential mate.

Arlene emailed, “The guy wrote that he’d like to meet me at Starbucks. His photo looked ok. The location was near where I live so I agreed.

“He lives about 20 miles from me. I was sitting outside waiting for him, even though it was a bit chilly. When he walked up, he seemed much older than his photo.

“He had seen in my profile a picture of me on a cruise. He asked if I liked to cruise, to which I replied: ‘Yes, it’s my favorite thing to do.’

“He told me he’d been in the Navy and on many ships. I asked if it was during the Viet Nam War; he told me it was during the Korean War. Since I’m a Baby Boomer, guys in my age group were in the Viet Nam War, NOT the Korean War.

“I reminded him that his senior dating profile stated he was 71. He told me he’d ‘fudged’ his age a bit; he was 81! I let him ramble on for an hour about himself then told him I had many errands and had to leave.

“He had the nerve to contact me online again the next day. I told him we were not a match and that 81 was NOT 71!

“These guys never stop trying.”

chris and tina dancing feb 17
Chris and Tina told the truth about their ages 15 years ago and the truth paid off. They married in 2017. He’s early 80s; Tina’s late 70s.

I wondered why he lied to Arlene. I pondered what he may have thought; I’m only guessing but perhaps it was something along this line.

He saw her profile on the senior dating website. Her picture appealed to him; he found her attractive. She lived close enough to him that dating her would be convenient.

He thought her interests and hobbies meshed with his. After all, he had been in the Navy onboard ships and he had noticed that profile picture of her on the cruise ship.

Perhaps she had the characteristics he sought in a mate. From her profile, it appeared to him they could be a good match.

There was just one problem, of which he was oh-so aware–probably because he had experienced it previously, more than once–he was too old for her.

If he listed his true age, he wouldn’t get a date with Arlene because she was more than 10 years younger.

Maybe he was convinced that if he could just get to meet Arlene face-to-face, she might think he was so wonderful, that their 10-to-17-year age difference (whichever it was), wouldn’t matter. He may have thought he was being creative and didn’t think he was kidding himself or being delusional.

To improve his chances of getting a date with Arlene, he simply shaved 10 (or more) years off his true age, on his profile.

Technically, he was lying. But he believed it was just a little white lie. Besides, he promised himself that he’d reveal his true age when they met, after, of course, he’d had a chance to show her what a potentially great catch he’d be. Is lying to get one’s foot in the door wrong?

Perhaps he knew from previous experiences that the only way to get first dates with younger women was to lie on his profile.

Again, I can’t say if this is how his thinking went, or if any of my above speculation is true, but, I imagine, some of it is.

Christine Baumgartner, an Orange County dating and relationship coach, once told me, “When I work with my clients, I always insist they tell the truth about themselves, including their age. It’s very important not to lie.”

Some senior singles say, if people lie about their age, anything they say might be suspect.

I responded to Arlene: “He may have even been fudging a bit more. The Korean War was between 1950-1953. If he was, let’s say, 17, in 1950, that would make him approximately 87 now. If he was 17 in 1953, he’d be about 84 now. If he was older than 17 during the Korean War, he could be in his late 80s now.”

Lying about one’s age isn’t acceptable. Besides, the truth will emerge sooner or later.

Oh, and did I mention, I’m 64? Well, at least I once was!
****
Anecdote about age. As I was preparing this eNewsletter, Greta said, “An article I’m reading says Johnny Mathis is 83, Engelbert Humperdinck is 83, Tony Bennett ,94, and Clint Eastwood is 89.” I thought, oh my gosh, that can’t be possible.

The next Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point, California, will be Thursday, February 27, 2020, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 PCH, Dana Point, from 5 to 7 p.m. Admission free, appetizers free, beer and wine per glass $6.

Stop looking for a mate. Finding Senior Love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter –  Issue 6, February 7, 2020

Finding Senior Love

by Thomas P Blake columnist for 25 years

There are three parts to this week’s eNewsletter. Parts 1 and 2 were inspired by emails from two Champs.

        Part 1 –  Stop looking for a mate. Start living life to find a mate

A woman Champ from the East Coast asked, “What are the chances of a woman 57 meeting a man that she is compatible with and having a great relationship? I’m tired of looking….”

My comment to her: “What are your chances at age 57 of meeting a compatible man? I cannot provide you with a mathematical number because there are too many variables that can affect the chances.

“However, at age 57, you’re still young. The ratio of single women to single men at your age is close to one-to-one. Perhaps 1.5-to-one. Your chances now, vs.–let’s say at age 67–are excellent. The ratio by 67 is close to three-to-one, which makes meeting single men more difficult.

“But, your comment, ‘I’m tired of looking,’ is a red flag for two reasons:

‘First reason: When people look too hard for a mate, they often come off as desperate and people can sense that. It’s a turnoff. Might you have been looking too hard?

“Second reason, ‘tired of looking’ sounds like you are giving up on finding a mate. Don’t do that. As we pass ages 50 or 55, romance doesn’t come looking for us. We have to be proactive. We don’t need to be out there ‘looking for love,’ but we do need to be out there ‘living life.’

“And by ‘living life,’ I mean, we need to ensure we have a positive attitude. We need to greet people with a smile. We need to be active with people. We need to be off the couch and out of the house, involved in activities we enjoy. We need to be physically active, exercise and keep the body moving. We need to walk with a spring in our step, regardless of our health restrictions.

Simply being positive and friendly can improve one’s chances of meeting new people. And when we meet new people, we just might meet a compatible mate.

“We also need to help people. A good way to do that is to volunteer.

“So, my advice to you: ‘Stop looking. Begin living.’”

By the way, I published a book about finding senior love. It’s called “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” It’s actually about how 58 couples found senior love. Available at my Tom’s 50 Couples book  and Amazon.com.

50 couples cover

                                  Part 2 – More on Senior Loneliness

The second item came from Champ Kenny, who resides in British Columbia. Kenny sent a link to an Ask Amy article from the Toronto Sun newspaper.

Here is the article from the newspaper. I am enclosing it word-for-word to demonstrate how singles all over the world have similar issues as our Champs, and how Dear Amy’s answer to the woman is similar advice we’ve often given in our eNewsletters:

From the Toronto Sun newspaper:

“Dear Amy: I am a 70-year-old active woman who is semi-retired. I’ve been divorced for more than 20 years.

My adult children live out of state, and I have only a few social outlets.

I hate being alone and often feel lonely, even with work, volunteering, and seeing my one good friend.

I was excited to meet one older man at church but his entire conversation over brunch was about (you guessed it) sex. I was mortified. I haven’t interacted with him again.

Online dating seems so scary to me. I am only interested in companionship and honestly have no interest in having a sexual relationship.

I am out and about all the time, volunteer, go to the gym, go to work, go to church … and still no male interest. What’s wrong with me? Can you give any advice about how to either be the best alone (and lonely) older woman, or try again? How do I do that?

— Lonely”

And the Ask Amy response in the Toronto Sun newspaper:

“Dear Lonely: You should consider cohabiting with another woman. Would your good friend consider giving this a try?

“Otherwise, you should try to build up your friendship pool, with both men and women. In terms of meeting new people, Meetup.com is a great place to start. You will find local meetup groups ranging from square dancing to ‘over 50’ game nights.”

About the above newspaper comments, Champ Kenny said, “A 70-year-old divorcee wanting ‘companionship’ meets some fellow at church…and all he talks about is sex? Go figure?”

I think Kenny is saying, when women want only companionship, with no hugs, many men–not all–will go elsewhere.

                                  Part 3 – Meet and Greet

The next Senior Meet and Greet will be Thursday, February 27, 2020, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 PCH, Dana Point, California, from 5 to 7 p.m. Admission free, appetizers free, beer and wine per glass $6.

One of our Champs wrote, regarding Dave’s comment last week about having Meet and Greets in other cities:

“I like your suggestion to Dave that perhaps small groups can be formed if Champ’s are interested in their local areas. Anybody in the Bellevue, WA area? I would organize.”

Email me if you live near Bellevue; I will forward your email to her. Maybe we’ll have a M and G there. Wonder if Kenny from BC would attend?