eNewsletter – On Life and Love after 50

Revisting Alzheimer’s and Dating

NL APRIL 24, 2026

On Life and Life After 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

RESPONSES TO HOPE LIVES ON

Last week, I wrote about Ann and Ben again. They represent a difficult, heart-wrenching issue seniors sometimes face: Dating when one of the couple’s spouses has severe dementia or Alzheimer’s Disease.

Previously, when we wrote about Ann and Ben’s first meeting a couple of years ago, most people disapproved of their relationship. But last week, Ann updated the situation and the responses were much more sympathetic to the couple continuing to see each other once per week or so.

Here are 12 responses (11 from women; one from a man):

Wayne shared, “Ann might want to ask Ben what his intentions are once his wife passes. Some need a mourning period after a loved one passes while others are ready to resume dating right away. I think she deserves an answer so she can prepare herself; it will also flush out how strong his feelings are towards Ann.

Francine said, “I’d like to put in my two cents. Ben is in a very stressful situation with his wife still living in the same home and ill with dementia. Of course, his first thought should be her.

“Having broken a date with Ann and then waiting for a few months to get back in touch with her, I would not trust him. I think he just needs someone to help fill the void in his life.

“I’ve had three men break off during the initial dating…married 2 and it ended in divorce. Now…my experience is not hers. Being teenagers and holding hands? Meeting once a week? You can’t build a relationship on that…there needs to be more intimacy.

“I’d suggest that Ann ask Ben that when his wife passes away, what are his plans for him and Ann? I’d be outspoken and direct. Unfortunately, both men and women can string you along, and have no problem walking away as you are simply the ‘interim’ person.

“I’m never a doom and gloom person but I’ve met way too many men. Plus, Ben’s wife might live for a long time. What would be Ben’s plans to advance his and Ann’s relationship further should that happen.

“We are not teenagers and our time on earth is limited as well. If Ann stays with Ben along this same road, I’d suggest she also date other men.”

Pat added, “Love is hard to find in any form. Ann and Ben seemed to have found a way to care for and love each other. It is not our place to judge. I wish them well and that someday they can truly spend quality time together!

“I believe in this “Love everyone…I will sort them out later. God”

Belinda, emailed, “Thanks for sharing Ann and Ben’s story.

“I know there will be many Champs who disagree with me, but I think Ann and Ben have EVERY RIGHT to find their happiness where they can at this late stage of life — assuming that Ben’s wife is provided for, whether that be by him, or in a quality care facility. HE IS STILL ALIVE, HIS LIFE GOES ON.

“When a loved one is incapacitated to the point where they are not going to get well and come back to normal brain functioning, that door is closed for their spouse or partner. Regardless of Ben providing great care for his wife, she is NOT going to get better over time.

“Why should the competent and still-able partner suffer along with them, giving up many years, even decades of what could’ve been the best time of their life?

“I think Ann and Ben are lucky to have found one another, and they obviously have a loving bond.

“Think about this, too: the bond Ben has with Ann is probably one of the major things in his life that pulls him through this time emotionally and mentally, giving him something to look forward to and YES, a reason for living, staying healthy, and being better able to manage his complicated situation.

“As Seniors, this is our time in life, the one we worked for so very hard over many years. Everyone deserves to be as happy as their situation allows. Ben is responsible and respectful when he’s with his wife and he provides her with loving care, as I’m sure he will continue to do for the remainder of her life.

“He’s also deserving of his own happiness and his own future.

I think Ann and Ben are doing JUST FINE.

Thyrza, “My heart goes out for both of them. I believe Ann can have a platonic but loving relationship with Ben. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t feel bad nurturing such a relationship.”

Jan added, “Ann, take all you can get. Life’s too short to be alone. I have friends with Alzheimer’s and most of the time they’re not here anymore. Why should the husband be miserable? Enjoy every precious moment together.”

Kaitte, “I’ve worked with Alzheimer clients. It’s hard, a no joke situation. Having an outside relationship is healthier for the one left behind. Isolation and loneliness are not mentally or physically healthy. Ben does the best he can by lovingly caring for his wife. This situation gives him the support and love to be able to cope with it. And, it keeps him sane.

Carolyn, “Oh My! I absolutely appreciate this most looked forward to eNewsletter from you Tom. What a quandary Ann is in right now! It is heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time. If Ben’s wife was not living in the same home where he lives, it would be a much better outcome for both Ann and Ben.

“Ben is ridden by guilt because after his lovely day with Ann, he has to go back home and see his still living but Alzheimer’s ridden wife. This situation is not a healthy one for sure. Ann is somewhat in a holding pattern waiting for the demise of Ben’s wife. This is not healthy for either of these lovely people. They are both caught between a rock and a hard place.

“Tom, what are your thoughts on this situation? Ann has so much more life to live with someone who would be present for her all the time. There are no guarantees in life, however, we can control the situations that we become involved in. Ann has become Ben’s therapist and sidepiece! It’s definitely not good for Ann!

“Thank you for always keeping the Champs up to date on these most thought-provoking issues! Whew! This is certainly a tough one indeed!”

S (a woman Champ), stated, “Has Anne verified that the wife indeed has Alzheimer’s? If true and advanced, I see nothing wrong with the relationship.”

Lynn, “What happened to ‘in sickness and in health, until death do us part?”

“I wonder how Ann or Ben would feel if they were the spouse in the care center?

“I’m confused, is this an on-line dating story? It seems to me that Ben likely misrepresented himself and Ann let herself be swept in?

Tom’s comment. Lynn, that isn’t what happened. Ben didn’t know Ann. He told a neighbor he was lonely. He did not misrepresent himself. He told Ann about his situation. Ann was lonely and yes allowed herself to fall in love, as so many of us have ‘allowed ourselves’ to do in our lives, when we’ve met someone, we were attracted to.

To comment on Lynn’s statement below, Ben treats his wife amazingly well dealing with her 10 years of dementia, with 24/7 caregivers.

Lynn continued, “Ann refers to Ben asking to end the relationship as a ‘one-day setback’, like he missed taking the trash out once. He clearly asked for an end to the relationship!

“I’m sure Ann can and will do what she wants to do, but this Tom catting (no pun intended) around is ridiculous. I for one am NOT buying what Ben is selling! In the event these two continue to carry on this relationship, does Ann think Ben will not treat her the way he is treating his current wife?

“WOW…that was a jaw dropper!”

New. “I don’t see anything wrong with Ann deciding to be with this man knowing all his story; he sounds like a real good man and taking care of his wife through all her bad health is commended.

Virgina shared: Today people live longer. The marriage vow, “till death do us part” can be a cruel punishment. If one mate no longer has mental capacities to recognize and interact with a life mate, maybe we should take a good hard look at that vow, so it is adjusted to today’s longevity and health issues. Various religious beliefs and certain ancient rules and laws need to change with the times.

A Remarkable Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 27, 2026
By Columnist Tom Blake

A Remarkable Woman Champ

I’ve often stated that Champs amaze me. This week’s Champ story adds to that feeling. Here’s why.

An email arrived in my inbox a week ago on Wednesday, March 18, 2026. The woman requested I not use her true name, so, I will call her Molly. It read, “Thank you, Tom, for honoring a promise you made to me. If you think it might lighten Jack’s burden, please do let him read my post.” (I didn’t recall that I had made a promise to Molly almost three years ago).

Molly continued, “At present, I’ve gotten older (96 years old), and lost all family and most friends. It’s a very lonely life. I’ve moved to a lovely condo by the beach. Trying to make some more friends. “Tell Jack there are many more women out there, better, more caring, and lonely too.

“Jack should have learned a lot by now about how to protect himself against money-hungry women. There are also money-hungry men. I would never ask anyone to sign anything.

“Before my fiancé passed, he wanted to leave all of his estate to me. I refused it. I didn’t want it. But I had no choice. He saw a lawyer without me knowing. And left me some things. I’ve treasured them. “I’m so sorry, Jack got tangled up with that woman.

“If I can help in any way, please let me know. Maybe my talking with Jack could help relieve his burden.”

I was beyond perplexed by Molly’s email. I had no idea who Molly was or what she was talking about. Not a clue. What promise did I make to her and when? How did I honor that promise?I didn’t know we had a 96-year-old Champ, and who the hell was the Jack she referred to?

On my Gmail account, I used the email search tool that archives previous emails and typed in Molly’s email address, which appeared in her March 16, 2026, email. The article was about Jack (not his real name), a Champ, who had made several dating mistakes when he was involved in a long-term, living-together, non-marriage relationship.

“There were a lot of financial mistakes made along the way, as well as others, but the most egregious one was his believing she would be there for him, “for richer, for poorer, and in sickness and health.”

“When Jack became seriously ill, and ended up in the hospital for a week, two weeks later she bolted! Jack was devastated. It was this scenario that Molly wanted to address. Now, almost three years later, she wrote to say that if her story would help to lighten Jack’s burden, I could now share it.

The mystery started to unravel. My Gmail archive showed that Molly had sent me an email on Jul 21, 2023, at 9:04 p.m. Earlier that day, I had published an eNewsletter titled “Love is Blind. A Senior Man Ignored Relationship Warning Signals.”

The topic was mainly about a Champ named Jack, whose relationship blunders affected his relationship. Plus, I included some details of my third marriage, in which I made relationship mistakes as well.

Molly’s July 21, 2023, email stated:

“I read your eNewsletter today and thought to myself, it could have happened to me. I’m sorry that happened to both you and Jack.

“Years ago, I lost my husband of 45 years to pancreatic cancer. We had a good marriage.

“After that, I met a psychologist recommended by my friend in New York while visiting her. She asked him to come over to help me with the loss. He stopped by and was very kind and quite intelligent.Spoke with me for hours. I had to return to California after being away for a few weeks. He kept in touch with me daily. He helped a lot. Stopped my crying and depression. This treatment went on for months.

“He mentioned how bad the ice and snow were in upstate NY. I invited him to come to sunny CA. He accepted. We got more acquainted. He told me he would never marry again. He had two very bad marriages.

“He decided he liked me and asked if we could get closer. I wasn’t quite ready. He would wait. After a few more months, he asked again. He suggested we live in NY for the summers, and spend winters in CA.

“This went on for years. We had many differences. He was a Democrat; I became a Republican. Small stuff. But then he wanted to get married. I didn’t. He got Alzheimer’s. I told him that I would help in every way possible if he could move here; I would take good care of him. We had been together for 16 years by that time. His family wanted no part of him.

“I went back to NY and helped him dispose of everything that wasn’t necessary. Brought him back to live here with me. Within a year, he got much worse. He had to be in a nursing home full-time. I had promised I would take care of him, and I kept my word because I truly cared for him. He passed away after another three years. I went to the nursing home every day.

“I took care of the burial; his family didn’t even want to talk with him when they could’ve. It broke my heart watching him decline. I’m thankful for knowing him for over twenty years.

“How anyone could just walk out on anyone sick and needy is a sin on their soul.

“Please don’t publish this email. I just felt you and your friend Jack should realize there are honest, dependable and loving women around. You must look at them with open eyes, before getting too involved.”

I emailed Molly back that same 2023 day. I wrote, “Thank you, Molly. A very touching story. You are an angel. I will honor your wishes and not publish your story.”

Checking the archives answered my questions listed above about why Molly emailed me last week. Yes, this Champ amazes me. She’s 96 and is willing to reach out now to a man I wrote about nearly three years ago. What a wonderful gesture

Molly. You amaze me.

Why Tom Needs a Break

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 13, 2026
by Columnist Tom Blake

Last Friday, the eNewsletter featured Debbie in an Ask The Therapist article about the importance of communication for couples. I was surprised that so many men responded, albeit briefly. Here are four comments from men.

An Orange County man stated, “Debbie’s article was very helpful for me. I know I need to talk some things out with my lady friend, but I don’t speak up because I want to keep the peace. Timing is important too. The way I communicate is key as well. Thanks, Debbie, for your help.”

Wayne emailed, “Debbie, “You were a great pinch hitter…excellent column. Thank you.”

Bill, “I liked your insight and smooth writing. Thank you for this very important and timely message.”

Terry, aka, the funny plumber, simply asked, “Tom, Are you okay?” He was responding to Debbie’s opening comment, which was: “Tom asked if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everything that has been going on in his life…”

Tom’s response to Terry “I’m fine, Terry, but I needed (and still do) a break. Please understand I’m not complaining—no whoa-is-me type of stuff.

“As many of you know, for 13 months, I’ve been trying to sell a property I’ve owned in Palm Springs for eight years. That meant lots of improvements and work projects. The property went into escrow three times and fell out. The real estate market in Palm Springs has been difficult. One of the reasons is that the Canadiens are avoiding renting or purchasing real estate out there.

They have always been a big part of the snowbird visitors and property owners. They aren’t traveling to the USA much these days. “So, there have been many time-consuming trips out there and back to Orange County. Thankfully, the property sold in late February. But all furniture that had not been sold or disposed of was shipped home via professional movers to my Dana Point home.

“And lately, I’m working on preparing my tax returns for 2025. I know that sounds silly, as we all need to do that, but with two properties (Palm Springs was a rental) I got a bit behind in my tax record-keeping. Hopefully, I will finish that challenge this week.

“Plus, writing this eNewsletter weekly and my newspaper columns bi-weekly takes several hours each week. The publisher of those three papers does not permit me to write what I’ve written in my weekly eNewsletters.

“Also, taking time was a four-day trip to San Francisco to meet up with old Victoria Station Restaurant chain buddies as we attended a special Johnny Cash tribute concert at the Bohemian Club on February 26, with 400 male club members in attendance.

“The night of the concert, my buddies told a club member that I had known Johnny Cash. The man asked if I had read Johnny’s Man In Black autobiography (see photo above). I told him I had an autographed copy of the book at home. “When I returned home, I looked at the book and saw that Johnny’s autographed message to me was signed on August 15, 1975.The book had been published on August 1, 1975, so my copy was likely one of the first of that book that Johnny signed. Thirteen million copies of that book have been sold. “

So, enough about me and why Debbie said I needed a rest. As we age, we all need to take a break occasionally. To keep the eNewsletter chugging along, we need your questions, stories, and comments. Let me hear from you.

Cheri said, “I have a question referencing background checks… whom do I contact and how long does this take…I would appreciate your response asap…I love your articles and hope you’re well.”

Background checks. That’s an important topic for next week. Share your experiences and which company you would recommend.

Ask The Therapist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 6, 2026
By Guest Therapist Debbie Sirkin

Ask the Therapist

The Hidden Cost of Avoiding Conflict Why staying quiet to “keep the peace” may be hurting your relationship.

Hi Champs, It’s Debbie. Tom asked me if I would write another episode of Ask the Therapist. He needed a bit of a respite after everythingthat has been going on in his life, and I’ve received many thoughtful questions from so many of you. He and I thought this would be a good time to address some of them. And as always, this is your reminder that you can ask the therapist anything that’s on your mind, no subject is off limits.

My email is DebbieSirkin@gmail.com. Two issues continue to come up from you Champs, and they are very similar to what I see regularly in therapy sessions: Conflict-avoidant partners and communication problems. The two often go hand in hand.

What Is a Conflict-Avoidant Person? A conflict-avoidant person (often called a CA) is someone who avoids discussing issues thatbother them or topics that may be important to their partner. They often believe that if they don’t bring something up, they are “keeping the peace.”

This behavior can come from: • Fear of rejection or abandonment• Not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings• A desire to not disappoint the person they care about. But when someone continually avoids expressing their feelings, they are denying an important part of themselves. Over time, this can lead to resentment, frustration, hopelessness, and eventually anger.

Why Avoiding Conflict Becomes a Problem When feelings are pushed down long enough, they don’t disappear, they build. Eventually those emotions surface, often at the worst possible moment. Sometimes the reaction isn’t even directed at the partner but shows up somewhere else—like road rage or snapping at a stranger. The conflict-avoidant person believes staying quiet will keep the relationship smooth. Unfortunately, the opposite often happens.Silence can slowly erode trust. When you aren’t open about how you feel, your partner may begin to wonder whether they truly understand what’s going on with you.

Another common pattern is the mental “tally.” When the eventual explosion happens, past grievances suddenly appear: “Two years ago you did…” But those issues were never discussed at the time, and the person has been carrying the hurt far longer than necessary. Where These Patterns Often Begin Many conflict-avoidant behaviors begin in childhood. If expressing feelings growing up led to dismissal, criticism, or tension, children often learn that the safest path is to stay quiet and keep the peace.

The good news is that patterns learned earlier in life can be unlearned. Changing the Pattern To change how we behave, we must first change how we think.If speaking up in the past led to negative outcomes, it’s understandable that you may have learned to stay silent. But those beliefs can be replaced with healthier ones. Practice reminding yourself:

• My feelings are valid.• I have the right to express them.

• Honest communication can strengthen relationships.It’s also important to remember something crucial: Speaking up isn’t about controlling the other person’s reaction. It’s about expressing yourself in a healthier way and honoring your own needs.

Try Starting the Conversation This Way If you’re unsure how to begin, here are a few examples: • “It’s a little hard for me to say this, but I’d like to share how I’m feeling.”

• “My intention isn’t to argue—I just want us to understand each other better.” • “I’d really like to talk about my thoughts on X. I think together we can find a solution that works for both of us.” One very important tip: Before starting any meaningful conversation, ask the other person if it’s a good time to talk.Timing can make a big difference.

Final Thoughts Avoiding conflict may feel like the safer choice in the moment. But over time, silence can create distance, resentment, and misunderstanding. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, openness, and the courage to speak up—even when it feels uncomfortable. The encouraging news is that these patterns are learned, which means they can also be changed.

Every time you choose to communicate honestly and respectfully, you strengthen trust and deepen connection. And remember: Your voice matters. Your feelings matter. And healthy relationships make space for both. Thanks to Tom for letting me chime in this week. Please feel free to email me with comments or questions.

Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

Deceased partner’s photos

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter June 6, 2025

Senior Dilemma. When should a deceased partner’s photos and belongings be put away?

A woman recently emailed with a heart-wrenching question that many seniors face. She requested to remain anonymous, so I shall call her Sue.

Sue wrote, “I met my sweetheart online a year ago. Although he lives 30 miles from me, he says it’s worth the 40-minute drive. I am happy he feels that way.

“What are your thoughts on my him still having his dead wife’s clothing in their closet? She passed away 10 years ago. I discovered this when he invited me to spend the night at his place, when I took my overnight bag upstairs. Additionally, all her old perfume bottles are displayed on the master bathroom counter. It was disconcerting to me to say the least.”

“I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.”

My reply to Sue

“I understand the dilemma. Greta, my partner of 25 years, passed away 2 and ½ years ago. I have many pictures of her and us together around my home. I am slowly moving the pictures to a box in the garage. I realize my life has changed and it’s time to move on.

“It’s hard as the pictures represent so many memories, but I need to do it. Thanks for the reminder. Let me know how it goes.

Your question gave me a nudge.

“In your situation, Sue, especially with your boyfriend being a widower of 10 years, the woman’s clothes in the closet need to go.

“Plus, no woman is going to want to use the left-over perfume bottles, so they also need to go. Are there other signs around the house that he might still be in grief?

“Have a talk with him and do it nicely. Is his reason for not removing the items because he is still mourning or that he just got complacent? When Greta passed, her kids removed her clothes immediately, which I appreciated.

“After a year together, your boyfriend should want to make you happy and perhaps he’ll remove those items or have someone do it for him. The clothes could be donated.

“Your question will benefit many seniors who find themselves asking, “What should I do with my ex-spouses or partner’s photos?’

“If your sweetheart refuses, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. Does he talk about her often? My feeling is he cares a great deal about you and will move on in his life with you.”

Sue responded, “Thank you, Tom. I just found it so creepy that he hasn’t done the removal himself. We’re going on a trip in July. I asked him if he could please have her things taken care of by then.

“I hope it works because otherwise he is a wonderful, loving and generous man. He did remove his wife’s name and birth/death dates sticker from the back of her old car. But he’s keeping that car as an extra vehicle. He claims he’s over her. Still, I can’t help but wonder.”

There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

Previous comments by Champs on this topic

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new partner of the nature and profound depth of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows, widowers and non-married partners who face this understandable dilemma. There is no right or wrong answer about removing a deceased partner’s pictures or clothes. Everyone has their own beliefs.

2 Senior Women With Different Retirement Outlooks

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

NL May 23, 2025

Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life

Helen

Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.

“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.

“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.

“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.

“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”

Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.

Maria

Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.

I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.

Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.

She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.

Is 83 too old to date?

8 Champs Speak

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
April 11, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Included today are comments that 8 Champs shared. The above photo was taken by me in Scotland from the deck of a Holland America Line cruise ship of 8 bagpipers, not Champs, performing on the adjacent pier. Like you, Champs, their performance was glorious.

Joe, recently divorced, emailed, “My dating has been limited to meeting women on dating apps. I had an interesting thing happen at a grocery store. I noticed a cute woman in the store. I got to the laundry aisle, and there she was again, looking at items to buy. Although she didn’t look at me, I was tempted to ask if she was single. I missed my chance.

“My fear was her saying she wasn’t interested in dating me–a comment no guy likes to hear. I am not used to approaching a woman and, after talking to her, asking if she is single. I guess that I might as well try. What do I have to lose?

Tom’s comment: You have nothing to lose, and you might gain a new potential partner. Fear of being rejected applies to both men and women. Remember the woman Champ, who saw a cute guy in the medical waiting room and blew it by not talking to him?

Single men and women should carry a business card or a card that lists their first name and a safe phone number or email address they could hand to a new acquaintance. In that way, the person could reach out to you if they find you appealing. Like on dating sites, you might experience rejection, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.

Terry, “I met with my ex-wife this morning to sign all the divorce papers again. My California attorney made mistakes in the original filing.

“My ex was very angry, even though she was the one who left me. The good part is that I think her anger helped me realize that our divorce was the best thing.  “With the trouble I am having securing this divorce, I will never legally marry again. This was my fourth and last marriage.”

Alison, 68, “I have enjoyed reading your articles for many years. Widowed three years ago, I ventured into the senior dating scene at the urging of good friends. They introduced me to a widower friend of theirs. We dated casually for a year before deciding to get involved more deeply. We are great companions, have similar interests, and enjoy each other’s company in many ways. He is 78.”

Cynthia, “I lost my husband many years ago and have not met anyone whom I feel chemistry like I felt before. Not to say the men I’ve met aren’t nice, they are, but it just hasn’t happened.

“However, the good news is I moved forward emotionally and physically. I’m now living in RMV (Rancho Mission Viejo, Ca.), a wonderful & great active 55+ community. And I’ve developed many new friends to boot! “I’m content with my life for now. I feel happy and grateful for who, what and where I am. And I am blessed to have reached peace of mind within myself.

“Your articles help seniors feel good (or at least better) about themselves and their situations.”

Kaitte, “I can’t believe it’s been three years since your partner passed and you’re happy again. I haven’t given up dating, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t make me feel like they’ll put me in a cage with their boundaries and first-date sex. And that’s before I even find out if I would like to get to know them. This cow is not for sale.

“I’ve built a good life on my tiny 1.5-acre Colorado farm over the last 10 years. I planted 1000 Spring bulbs that were at a clearance sale at Walmart in November– $500 worth of bulbs for $100. I bought them all, and they are everywhere. A man would have to be very open-minded and have his own life like yours. Give me my space.

“I don’t want a relationship that disrupts my life but adds to it.

Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner and you mention that I must give a guy a chance. I agree, but you usually know after a couple of dates if it’s going to work.”

Carolyn, “Tom’s recent romantic connection gives me hope for the future. I’m still out here looking and still enjoying myself with other like-minded seniors.   “I am 73 and active. Unfortunately, many men I encounter have health issues and many walk with a cane. Not a problem for me but they aren’t able to walk too far and fall asleep a lot!

“I always enjoy conversing with all the people I meet at the senior socials. To combat loneliness, seniors should consider joining senior centers. Those places provide many activities and social events. I absolutely love my senior center!”

Ray Freer, Laguna Woods, Calif.“ Last October, you wrote about my marriage to Libby here in Laguna Woods. We are in our mid-80s. The current buzz around the Village is an event, scheduled for Sunday, May 4 at the Outlets at San Clemente, ‘The Rotary Route: South County Walk for Mental Wellness.’ (10 a.m. to 2 p.m.)

It’s sponsored by nine Rotary Clubs across South Orange County! “Several of our Laguna Woods friends are participating. I mention the walk, thinking that nearby Champs who seek social interaction, making new friends, physical exercise, and support of a worthy cause might want to participate.

For additional information or to register: https://tinyurl.com/4fwkbsvm

Tom’s comment to Ray: Thanks for the tip. Debbie and I will be joining you and Libby on the May 4 walk. Married life appears fun and rewarding for you two lovebirds.

Michelle, “I live in Dana Point, California. I know a few Champs who reside in Orange County. What wonderful people. I asked Tom if he would mention that I am seeking a woman roommate to share my casita. It’s a half mile to the beach. Life is better when you aren’t living alone. Email me at michellvrv@gmail.com. Here is the property listing on furnished finder: https://www.furnishedfinder.com/property/594302_1

Tom’s comment. Michelle lives in a beautiful casita and is a wonderful person.

Responses to “You Talk too Much (on a senior first date)”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Responses to You Talk Too Much (on a first date)

First date etiquette

There were multiple responses to last week’s eNewsletter about Susan’s claims that men talk too much about themselves on first dates. Thirteen (4 men, 9 women) responses appear in today’s column.

Rhonda, “Although I’m older (68), I have a lot in common with Susan, and I have also been following you for many years. I, too, have been on my own for 12 years and am disenchanted with online dating. I’ve tried different platforms, as you suggested, and even spent money on eHarmony for a full year.

“I was told it’s the best senior online dating site–expensive but worth it. It didn’t work that way for me – people from way out of the area and a few dates here and there who, yes, talked almost exclusively about themselves.

“As much as I tried to talk just a bit about me, it seemed like the man would dial back to something about HIM. It’s fairly apparent when someone doesn’t seem very interested in what you’re saying, and off they go about themselves. I have some interesting traits and things to discuss (I’m a triplet, for example), but it just gets brushed aside. Strange.

“Are these guys nervous? It’s possible, but they do seem pretty relaxed. Maybe too relaxed? Ditto for the lack of response when texting sometimes. I will text a hello, a joke, or a little something, and get no reaction but simply a picture of his dinner! Huh?

“Is it possible that many guys in our age group know there are more women seeking their attention, so they become complacent? I wouldn’t tolerate this one-sidedness from a guy who is trying to win me over.

“I am hopeful there must be SOMEONE out there for me so I’ll keep the faith. I volunteer, play Pickleball and am active and fun. I’m trying, but it’s frustrating.

Tom, San Juan Capistrano, “I’m 64, live in San Juan Capistrano, and I’ve been single for 13 years. I ride mountain bikes with a group of very friendly, mature people. I’ve learned how to socialize better and communicate since joining the group. It’s helped me take an interest, ask questions, and listen to what a person is saying. This helps me relax on a date.”

Marianne, “This is the first time I’ve replied to your eNewsletter. I’ve had the same experience as Susan. I have been on over 30 dates using Match.com and all the men talked about themselves incessantly on the first date. They may be nervous. However, I think they treat the first date as a job interview because they really don’t know another way to have a conversation.

“It’s disappointing that men our age lack the skills to carry on a mutually stimulating conversation on a date. I have done what Tom suggested and interrupted to make my own comments about what he has said, or I’ve bluntly said “My turn” with a smile.

“I always speak to a potential date on the phone first, and the conversation flows easily. It is puzzling why it is more awkward for men in person. Perhaps, in-person conversation skills are a lost art because of texting, which everyone seems to rely on these days. Texting your thoughts is a one-way conversation that doesn’t’ require sitting in front of a real-life person looking into their eyes for understanding or acknowledgement.

“My advice for Susan is keep going on dates and understand that your dates may be nervous. However, break into the conversation and talk about what you are interested in, and see how the conversation goes from there.”

Joanie, “Tom why don’t you start off with 10 questions to ask on a first date to try to get to know someone? Many folks talk too much about non-meaningful subjects (their new car, what trips they have been on, etc.)–subjects that don’t contribute to getting to know each other. So, the relationship never gets off the ground.”

Cheryl, “Champ Susan is spot on with her why men don’t ask questions! I have been dating for 20 years. I am a great conversationalist, have a good sense of humor, and am educated and attractive. Yet 99% of men talk about themselves during the entire date. I’ve asked men, ‘Do you want to know anything about me?’ Often, I must push my way into a conversation and say something about me that’s pertinent to what he’s saying.

“Sometimes I articulate clearly, but humorously, something like, ‘I hope we’re not going to spend the entire time talking about Medicare!’ I have tried everything, and the result is always the same: the man goes right back to the subject he was talking about (himself), as though I hadn’t even spoken. There is NOTHING amiss about Susan. It’s the men who need help.

“They never learned the art of conversation, or the etiquette involved. They’ve never learned how to be genuinely interested in a woman’s life. Mostly, they are busy wondering if they are going to get sex tonight or if they’re wasting their time with me. They are simply not present on the date.”

John, “I agree with Susan about finding the right prince who understands balance in conversations, as you pointed out so she could share her experiences, views, and perspectives on things with a potential mate.

“Asking questions about each other leads to information to build upon for compatibility. I hope she eventually finds the right prince among us frogs, especially in a nice area like Dana Point.

Belinda, Ajijic Mexico, “Like Susan, I’m 63. I’ve had several long-term relationships and a 22-year marriage over the last 45 years. I spent six years on Match with no dates. All the men I expressed an interest in did not reciprocate my interest. I met two guys on EHarmony. Neither were right for me. Zoosk had better results for me as far as the amount of men to meet, but because it’s a free service (or was), there are a lot of ‘questionable’ men on the site: Married, Nigerian Scammers, etc.

“Same problems on Facebook, Yahoo, and especially on Plenty of Fish. I spent years searching actively and I finally gave up. It will need to happen organically now, if it happens at all. Tell Susan I’ve also had those dates where the men just run off at the mouth about themselves and never want to know anything about me. It’s exhausting. I wish her well.”

Joel, 80, newly widowed, said, “Having spent years on Match.com up to 2012, finding the perfect mate, getting married and then widowed, I’m back as a widower in 2025.

“What I heard back then and hear now from women is that many, if not most, of the men they meet are like the ones Champ Susan met. They spill their guts and don’t seem interested in her.

“Knowing this, I go into an interview (a first meeting is NOT a ‘date’) with questions based on what a woman’s online profile says. A recent prospect told me many things about her life, wishes and hopes, her politics, her activities, etc. We talked for 1 ½ hours.

“She told me I was unusual, special, and that I would be very appealing to any women I meet because I ask questions. She said she had never met a man so interested in her. I was encouraged. In my follow-up phone call, she said she wanted to ask me questions because she was taken aback.

“She said, ‘I was so caught up I didn’t think to ask you about anything.’ I said, ask away, and she did. Turned out she either wasn’t interested in me or, maybe, anyway, at this point, so I told her to let me know if she changed her mind.

“Men will do much better if they learn about active listening and go into any first meeting with a prospect armed with questions and the desire to get to know her. You will stand out as unusual and you will learn enough to decide whether to go forward. “Here’s good place to start developing a new approach (this will work for women as well): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

Julie (in Florida), “I found Susan’s email and your response both fascinating and thought-provoking. Your point about the men possibly being nervous is well-taken. The pressure of a first date, especially in the context of online dating, can be incredibly daunting. However, I also wonder if Susan’s own approach might inadvertently contribute to the one-sided conversations she’s experiencing.

“Your suggestion of a therapist is excellent. Exploring potential communication patterns or subconscious expectations could provide valuable insights. It’s also worth considering that the dating landscape has changed dramatically, and Susan’s experiences might reflect the challenges inherent in online interactions – the lack of immediate nonverbal cues can make it difficult to gauge genuine interest or build rapport.

“I especially appreciate your new “Ask the Therapist” feature – it’s a wonderful addition to your newsletter.

“My own experience, at 73 and recently widowed, mirrors Susan’s apprehension. The dating world feels vastly different now, and the added layer of online scams presents a real concern.

“Navigating this requires a balance of cautious optimism and self-awareness. Perhaps Susan could explore alternative ways to meet people outside of online dating, focusing on activities and social groups that align with her interests. This could lead to more organic and authentic connections.”

Shelley, “Susan is correct. Most men at this age talk about themselves and are only thinking about their agenda. Maybe they are trying to impress us but just want the prize with no investment in who you are as a person. They just need attraction and a nice smile from you. Very shallow. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and know this to be true.”

Dee: “Susan thinks very highly of herself and likes being single. She doesn’t really need a man. She knows (not thinks) she’s gorgeous from her self-description. Perhaps she comes off to the men as I saw her; self-absorbed. Good luck Susan and all those lucky men who she chooses to go out with.”

Jackie, from Georgia, “I remember being on a dating site and the guy called me and talked nonstop for 2 hours. WHY I stayed listening was beyond me with his comment – “Next time you can do all the talking. I was too worn out to want another time to talk. He called one time and said, ‘Oh, the wrong Jackie!’

“I agree with you that getting out and especially enjoying Dana Point. The Harbor is inviting. Who knows who you might meet at Costco? My sister and I ran into you there a few years ago.

“I’ve dated four widowers since Randy passed and they only had marriage on their mind. For me, friendship was what I was enjoying. I’d tell Susan to enjoy her freedom! I hope you can help people with your new – ‘Ask the Therapist’ I’ve had my share of counseling in my day!

Elenute “It’s not bad to give people the benefit of the doubt, as you do, Tom. Yes, they might be nervous, etc., but they are also revealing who they are. I’ve dated a lot of men, and some of them really don’t understand that conversation should be a two-way street. It’s very hard to find one who does. Even then, watch out for narcissists.

Comment from Tom: Three men emailed me, asking if I thought Susan would be willing to meet them for coffee. I let her know. And I believe she may have agreed. Remember, I’m not a matchmaker, but it seems that it might have happened this week. When Champs email me, it’s important they include their city where they live and their approximate age.

Ask The Therapist

Dear Debbie, “What can senior men do to prepare themselves for a first date so they don’t talk too much about themselves?

Great question! I’d also include what women can do to prepare for a first date. First impressions matter, so basic grooming—showering, deodorant, flossing, and dressing comfortably and appropriately—is essential. It may seem obvious, but both men and women sometimes overlook these details.

For online dating, I found it helpful to get to know someone through messages before meeting. Texting and phone conversations reveal a lot—sense of humor, availability, flexibility, values, and common interests—all of which can help determine compatibility before agreeing to a date.

Preparation also includes a good night’s sleep, a positive attitude, and being on time. Regarding last week’s topic of talking too much, I often attribute it to nerves. If there’s a connection, I’ll go on a second date to see if that’s the case.

On the date, ask open-ended questions, (e.g, if you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be?  If your best friend could choose an adjective(s) to describe you what would it (they) be?  What does your ideal weekend look like?), make eye contact, and practice active listening. If one person dominates the conversation, try summarizing what they said and asking a follow-up question—this keeps the conversation balanced and engaging.

Debbie Sirkin, LMFT, does not provide any psychological or other health-related services or advice to individuals within the newsletter, and even when responses to questions are answered in the second person as a literary device, they are general and hypothetical, and not intended to be personal for the questioner. Answers are for general information only, and never constitute advice for any individual. Under no circumstances does Ms. Sirkin provide legal advice or medical advice.