| On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter January 21, 2022 2022 eNewsletter #3 by Tom Blake – Columnist Senior Dating tips. Four ways for seniors to meet a potential mate during the pandemic Champ Sonia (see her picture above) emailed that she wants to date someone her age or younger. She wrote, “I’ve read your eNewsletters for several years and I love them. I am 63 and would like to date someone my age or some years younger. “You are so far away from me, but I would love to participate in one of your Meet and Greet sessions but I don’t know how to do it because of the distance and now the situation with the new covid.” Tom replied, “Thanks for writing, and thank you for being a Champ for several years. I understand your frustration with the Covid situation, which is affecting senior singles not only in PA, where you live but across the world. At 63, you should normally be able to meet eligible men within your dating age range (even younger), but Covid has thrown the proverbial monkey wrench into the search. Even the Meet and Greet sessions you refer to at Tutor & Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point, California, have been on hold for two years now. So, don’t get on a plane or a train to come to the Meet & Greets—all you could meet would be meat—as in a pastrami sandwich–for example. So, you’d be wiser to try to meet someone closer to you in PA or adjacent states, someone who would be within reasonable driving distance. How to do that during the pandemic? In four ways: 1 Try senior online dating. You won’t even need to wear a mask while you’re online. Our November 19 eNewsletter was titled, “Which online dating site is best for seniors?” I’m not an internet dating expert. So, I quoted our Champ Christine Baumgartner, an expert dating and relationship coach. Christine lives in Orange County, California, and calls her business “The Perfect Catch.” Here’s what I wrote on November 19, 2021 in an eNewsletter, which is on this website. “When Christine is asked by a client which dating site is the best one, her reply is, ‘This may surprise you. They’re generally all the same.” To read more about senior online dating, go to Christine’s Facebook page. She’s got great material on there. Or to her website (the link is listed below). Use a site that caters to seniors such as Silver Singles or OurTime (owned by Match.com). Most sites will charge a monthly fee. POF (Plenty of Fish) doesn’t unless you upgrade, but it has a reputation for having scammers. And speaking of scammers, be careful no matter what online site you choose. There are scammers on every site. They prey on lonely seniors, primarily widows, so there is a risk in online dating. But, by going online, you’d be able to establish a reasonable search radius, say within 50 miles of where you live in PA 2 Get off the couch and out of the house when the pandemic eases. Still take precautions—wear a mask, meet people outside when possible, keep social distancing. If you see a man who appears to be single—no wedding ring, for example—and he appeals to you, be assertive by saying hello or ask him a question like, “Which wine goes best with this salad?” Be assertive, but not aggressive. When senior singles venture out and embark on a new activity, their chances of meeting a potential mate increase. Here’s a story I heard this week, while on my Stand Up Paddleboard in Dana Point Harbor, of all places. As I was paddling from shore, a guy on his board yelled, “Hey Tom, I attended several of your Meet & Greets and enjoyed them.”I said, “Did you find a mate there?”“No,” he said, “but I learned from what you often said to us–to get involved in activities we enjoy. So, I took ukulele lessons and met my partner there. We have a lot in common. Thanks for the advice and for having those events.” I never thought I’d hear a success story like that on a paddleboard! Also, volunteering is a wonderful way to meet people and to pay it forward as well. 3 Network. Ask your friends, co-workers, and acquaintances if they know of someone who is near your age and single and who might be a nice mate for you. And don’t stop asking because as we age, people’s lives change. Some become widows or widowers, and others have relationships end. 4 Attend outdoor classes (when the weather is warmer) such as tai chi, yoga, pickleball, ukulele (or other instruments), and on and on.Bottom line: Make yourself as visible as possible and work on your appearance through exercising and eating right to help you stay healthy. Keep your expectations in check. Don’t go out with the express purpose of meeting a mate. Instead, go out to enrich your life. Be friendly, have a positive attitude, make yourself likable. Don’t give up hope. We are all in the pandemic challenge together. Be very careful with exposure to Covid and be leery of scammers. I hope we are all vaccinated and boosted. Keep the emails and questions coming. We have some interesting upcoming eNewsletter topics, including how to deal with a long-distance relationship during the pandemic and even details of a conversation I had with Johnny Cash regarding words Johnny said to me after we left his recording studio together in 1976. I had co-produced a record album with him at the studio. So, stay tuned, stay safe, and keep on truckin.’ Sonia shared her photos with us today. If male Champs would like to contact her in PA, email me and I will forward your email to her. You never know, you just might have interests in common with this nice woman. |
Category: senior online dating
Senior Online Dating
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 24, 2018
Is Senior Online Dating: Productive? Quirky? Dangerous? Risky?
The answer: all the above.
Online dating has become a huge business. There are hundreds of sites. But does it work for seniors? Yes…and no. There are plenty of senior online dating challenges.
Productive? Many senior couples have found online dating success. I’ll name two as an example.
Jeanne emailed, “I met my man on OurTime. He contacted me in September, 2015. I didn’t meet him until March, 2016. We met at Starbucks. He was a wonderful man and we got along famously. We waited six months before taking the friendship to a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.
Recently, we decided to live together and chose my place! I not only gained a man in my life, but his dog and lizard, too! He’s even better than what I had described as my perfect mate!”
My partner Greta has a friend named Dominque. She met her Tom on Match.com. They turned a long-distance relationship into a marriage, when Tom moved from Sacramento to live with Dominque in her San Clemente home.
Quirky? It can be. Champ Gina, (Greta’s niece), 53, sent a text last week showing a personal ad she saw on Tinder, an online dating site. Gina wrote, “Tinder has a reputation for ‘casual’ relationships (umm, like a friend-with-benefits arrangement). What you see in the ads is all you get, one or a few pictures, a paragraph or nothing at all. You choose to meet based mostly on attraction to each other’s photo by swiping right on the photo. Swipe left and there is no connection.”
Gina added, “I thought you might find this guy’s ad interesting. It is an example of what not to say if you want to meet a nice woman.”
The man wrote: looking for sweet, smart, built, warm and tender, love to travel the world, if you want to have more fun than with someone you’ve ever had call me. Have to be pristine clean, love the warmth and the tenderness of a man, and if not, you’re not in my ballpark, only qualified people call me. Ps hookers and prostitutes do not call”
Tinder calls itself the world’s most popular dating site with 20 billion matches. People as young as 18 use it. The user reviews are filled with complaints about people being banned from the site without explanation. I do not recommend Tinder for seniors; besides, there is a fee.
In doing research on Tinder, I found a list of free dating sites. I am not endorsing or recommending any of them. It’s just a list.
https://www.lovedignity.com/top-20-best-free-online-dating-sites/
Dangerous? I read horror stories, including murders, of people who met on Tinder and other sites. Some as recent as July and August of this year. Doing background checks is a must when meeting strangers. Seniors are vulnerable online.
Risky? You bet. The October 21, 2017, issue of the Palm Beach Post (Florida) featured an article written by Debby Montgomery, a 52-year-old widow. She lost $1,080,762.43 to a Nigerian romance scammer without ever meeting the man in person.
He claimed to be an international broker of hard wood trees. When she called his company, they had never heard of him. Regardless, she kept sending money, even borrowing $100,000 from her parents to give him.
Debby fell in love with an image, which is insane; you can’t judge chemistry until you meet in person. Never trust or send money to someone you’ve never met. Don’t think you’re in love with someone you never met.
Profile picture tips for senior women
One of our Champs, Dr. John, shared his tips for women, when posting photos to their online profile, based on his own experiences.
1. Smile for your profile picture – even if you have to have someone tickle your feet to make you smile! It’s unfortunate how many women have sad and/or angry profile pictures
2. Avoid photos where you look maniacally happy, as if you’ve just had a massive dose of cocaine – aim for happy and serene – if the whites of your eyes above the irises (colored parts of the eyes) are visible, you tend to resemble a maniac
3. No sunglasses – the eyes are the window of the soul – be sure your eyes are visible
4. No digital ‘enhancements,’ such as cartoon cat ears or whiskers-they are for tweens
5. No pictures of you and your ex, with your ex cropped out
6. Include a face portrait, and one full-length
7. Consider the background – I saw one woman with a very nice picture of her sitting at a restaurant, but the background was a full garbage can. In general, outdoors, and especially outdoors at a flower garden or beach are the ideal backgrounds for a woman
8. No pictures of you boozing it up, unless you’re looking for a drinking buddy – and yes, wine is booze (as a doctor, I’ve long noticed that men don’t consider heavy beer drinking to constitute heavy drinking, and women are the same with wine)
9. If there’s an activity you really like, such as golfing, or playing the piano, a picture of you participating is a great idea
10. The hands-down, best profile picture I’ve ever seen was a woman at a beach, laughing, while trying to hold an obviously very happy and squirming little dog (yes, I’m an animal lover).
Dr. John added, “Also, eliminate negativity in your written profile – I read one woman’s profile which stated, ‘I don’t like to be negative but’ – and then she proceeded to be negative. Anger and negativity aren’t attractive, unless you are looking for an angry and negative partner, which some are.”
Is senior online dating for everyone? Internet dating for seniors? Maybe. Maybe not. If you partake, be oh so careful and leery. Trust your instincts. It’s a mixed bag.
Senior online dating challenges
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 22, 2018
Today’s eNewsletter has 3 parts
Part 1 – Is Barb being too fussy in dating men?
Part 2 – Information on the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page
Part 3 – An upbeat, update from a West Texas Champ
Part 1 – Is Barb being too fussy in dating men?
I admit that I don’t spend much time viewing the Finding Love After 50 Facebook group posts. I prefer to let members do their thing and have discussions among each other. But I do monitor it from time to time. This Facebook group is a closed group, which means I approve of anyone who wants to join. In this way, I try to keep the riff-raff out of the membership.
As of Wednesday, there were 501 members. I do review the posts from time to time and remove some posts that I feel aren’t appropriate to our group. Occasionally, a member will post too many cutesy little signs or sayings as if the site were his or her own personal site, so I remove the posts. Such has been the case recently where a member posts something every day, which can be a big turnoff to others.
Sometimes, I will see a post that stimulates discussion among the members. That happened a few days ago when Barb stated that she was thinking of giving up on senior online dating. She based her comment on experiences she’s had with four men while senior online dating, which she shared. She asked if she was being too fussy.
Senior Online Dating Challenges
Barb wrote, “I have been off and on dating sites since I was 60 and now I’m 79. One man I met online was an hour and a half away, we dated two months.
He wanted me to move in with him. I was in the middle of moving in with him, when he found out his daughter was getting divorced. He decided it was not a good idea for me to move in, because he was going to remodel his house and have his daughter and her two daughters move into his house.
Plus, he didn’t like television so he wanted me to wear earphones when I had my television on. Well, that was the end of that relationship.
The second guy I met invited me out New Year’s Eve to a dance. He had a funny little step in his dance that was hard for me to catch onto. He kept telling me all night how well his ex-wife and he could dance together.
While walking me to my door, he put gum in his mouth, and in a minute, he said, “Oh my God, I just lost one of my teeth.” Well that was the end of that man. I just saw him recently, which was a year later, and the tooth is still missing.
The third guy I met seemed nice and we had fun together. My sister lived near me. When her husband was dying, I went to be with her the night her husband was passing and this guy got upset and told everybody I gave him up for my sister. So that was the end of him.
A couple of weeks ago, I met a fourth man online. We exchanged messages. He asked for my email address, so we could email instead of being on the dating site.
But I couldn’t get to know him as all he talked about was that he had lost his wife five years ago to cancer. He wanted to meet a woman who would make his house a home and be his special woman. He wanted me to forsake all others to be only with him.
I tried to talk about the future and what it would be like if we got together. It always went right back to the kind of woman he was looking for and how he wanted her to be his own and love only him.
So now, I’m giving up on trying to find someone. It’s too hard. I think I would rather go it alone. it seems like I can’t find anybody. I don’t know maybe I’m too fussy. What do you think?”
I share what some other members said in response to Barb’s post.
8 Facebook members’ responses to Barb’s Facebook post:
Joel said, “Dating and Mating is just plain hard, usually a long series of meeting people who don’t work out. That’s as good as it gets in my experience and it can lead to a constructive, loving relationship. Each person you meet is a learning experience about yourself and the others who are available.
The population of those still alone late in life contains a high percentage of dysfunction – that’s why we are alone.
It’s like shoes, you just keep trying until you get someone you like, that fits and is comfortable. You don’t quit just because you try on shoes that don’t fit.
I spent 12 years starting at age 54 rejecting and being rejected. I finally realized I had to change, and did, and have been in a wonderful relationship for 5+ years that gets better every day. I have a friend who found love at age 80.
Whenever I hear a story from someone who is discouraged, I suggest they look in the mirror because that’s where the solution is.
I love this part of the Serenity Prayer: May I have the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know which one that is.”
Cheryl: “With or without a man, isolating yourself and becoming a couch potato isn’t fulfilling unless you really enjoy that. I find there are enjoyable things to do every day that I want to do (plenty of activities at the community center; movies; classes; visiting people; taking walks on the boardwalk, etc.). At home I have stacks of good books to read, music, and my favorite tv shows. Being without a man isn’t a punishment – there’s still life all around us!”
Cheryl added: “It sounds like you need a dating coach to help you select a man of your caliber.”
Karla: “I’ve stopped looking. I wasted 7 years of my life with a man who turned out to be a pathological liar, a sex addict, a porn addict, and was bisexual. I never saw any of it…he was that good (at hiding the behavior). He died a year and a half ago. I cared for him, doing what a Visiting Angel would have done for $80/day. I don’t trust my instincts any more. Today, I’m venturing out to a luncheon with women. I have isolated myself and became a couch potato.”
Tricia: “Barb, my experiences are similar to yours: I have been trying to meet someone for 10 years – it’s been that long since my last long-term relationship ended. I took a part-time job last year – in addition to my full-time job at a local home improvement company – hoping to meet someone with no results.
I am active on a couple of volunteer boards, I have joined some groups. I feel as though the men I’ve met are just looking for sex and I am not going to just jump into bed with someone.
I’ve met a few widowers who are just looking for someone to ‘make them happy again’ – I’ve met an ex- convict, I’ve met a few who are not healthy, a lot who have no money and a lot who are looking for someplace to live.
I will be 60 at the end of this month. I am not sure there’s anyone out there for me but that’s ok – I have a good life and look forward to planning my retirement in the next couple of years.”
Phyllis: “I don’t know that I could ever move in with someone after knowing them for only 2 months– I might want to — but I know how bad my judgement (can be).”
Jeanie, “Keep on keeping on! One day you’ll have a good story to tell. These men are just part of the old story – create a new one with you as the center, standing strong for what you want.”
Carolyn: “Please don’t give up! However, do continue to make new friends (men and women), join clubs and enjoy ‘me’ time. You don’t have to settle, just enjoy life! If you had sat home alone during the past few years, you would not have such an illustrious story to share with us.”
Curtis: “Not too fussy, sounds like what I am finding in looking for a woman. I list I am outdoors, walking hiking & traveling around the area, the woman that contacted me has allergies and can’t be outside, or can’t hike or walk any distances, so why contact me, and then complain I am too active? Why am I not home more? I know what’s at home, nothing.”
Part 2 – More about our Finding Love After 50 Facebook Group
The name of our Facebook group is Finding Love After 50. If you want to join, you can apply on that Facebook page and I review your information. I need to know a bit about the people who want to join, to protect our 501 members from adding people who have ulterior motives that wouldn’t be beneficial to the group.
Part 3 – An upbeat, Champ update
Last year, we published a column about Larry Coats, a West Texas, gentleman, rancher, and retired US Army Major. He had looked for love online, hoping to find a woman who’d be willing to leave the big city, bright-lights world, to move to be with him on his ranch.
Yesterday, Larry sent an update: “Thought I would just drop a note to let you know that Ellen and I are approaching our one-year wedding anniversary (13 July) and can safely say that we are both very, very happy.
I was initially afraid that she would have trouble adjusting from big city life to life in a small town, but that was never a problem. Anyway, guess things have a way of working out–provided both sides know that it still takes patience and honesty.”
Ellen, 53, and Larry, 65, met on Farmersonly.com.
To read the entire August 18, 2017, article about Ellen and Larry, follow this link:
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/single-post/2017/08/18/Finding-love-in-a-rural-area
On Life and Love after 50 