Subscribe to continue reading
Subscribe to get access to the rest of this post and other subscriber-only content.
Two Senior men discuss 6 senior dating boundaries
Month: May 2023
Don’t you forget about me
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 19, 2023 By Columnist Tom Blake Don’t You Forget About Me Once again, this week, you Champs have helped write another eNewsletter. Your comments from last weeks Keep ’em Flying eNewsletter were great. The Keep ’em Flying artwork by artist Kevin Sullivan is shown above. Before I begin, a few of you have asked whom I use for my website designing and updating. I’ve used Alex Joyce for more than 20 years. In fact, he’s currently working on my Tom’s Finding Love after 50 website I am including his contact information at the end of today’s eNewsletter. He is a conscientious gentleman. I highly recommend him. Almost all my weekly eNewsletters for the last five years can be found on that website. Just go to the home page and check the banner along the top that says, Tom’s newsletters. By clicking on that, you will see a dropdown window showing the years eNewsletters were published. So, if you were included in an eNewsletter, or want to read a previous article, you should be able to find that issue. So, here’s what our Champs said this week: Carol, “You don’t have to have a ‘mate’ to be happy. I have been a widow since 1997 when my husband passed away. I just plan things to do at home and outside the home with others, and I have a dog that I dearly love and ‘talk to’ all the time as if she were a person. A new mate could cause you more feelings of missing Greta because she would do things differently, etc. Think positive.” Tom’s response: “What’s right for me, or right for you, may not be what’s right for others. You have a mate, only yours has four legs instead of two legs. I see four-legged mates with women often on dating sites, and they are often shown being hugged by their owners. We all need companionship and hugs; in whatever form each takes.” Carol replied: “Yes, that is very true. I had not thought about it that way. I love your columns each week, thanks for sharing.” Rhonda, “Last week you wrote a wonderful eNewsletter. You can get those thoughts off your chest to us Champs anytime you wish. It warmed my heart to see how healthy your attitude is and how deep your feelings have become even with or maybe because of your recent loss. “You are honest about what’s going on in your life and soul. Thanks for sharing it with us these many years. It’s wise of you to allow Greta to remain in an important place in your heart. Not everyone does that. What a gift she was to you, and what a gift you are to us Champs.” Cheryl, “My heart was touched by your ‘Keep ‘em Flying’ eNewsletter last week in your reflections about the celebration of life for Greta as well as your thoughts regarding moving forward. “I have not lost a husband or life partner to death, but I lost both of my dearly beloved parents and was so tremendously uplifted by the support of loving family and friends at their services. “Being a self-confessed ‘word-nerd,’ I liked the phrases you adopted for help in moving forward. I’d like to share a couple I have adopted for myself which have inspired and encouraged me over the years. One comes from a song I heard years ago. I can’t remember the title or the artist who sang it, but one line from the chorus stuck with me–“Some people fall, some people fly. Show me the sky!” “The other phrase came from a Kevin Costner movie. I think the title was simply, “Dragonfly.” The plot was about a missionary (I think) young couple with a baby who were working somewhere in Africa. The wife and child were kidnapped, and Kevin Costner spent months/years searching for them. “The baby had a birthmark shaped like a dragonfly, so he was able to identify the child when he eventually found his wife and child. A friend asked him how he kept going during the long time he spent searching. His answer was, ‘Belief gets you there.’ “Believe me, I have repeated that mantra to myself many, many times over the last few years! It has helped me get through a second divorce, losing my dream mini ranch in the country, the loss of both my parents and other challenges. “When I decided to try online dating, that phrase also kept me going and prevented me from giving up on finding a loving partner. Eventually, I was blessed with Matt coming into my life. “Some time ago Matt found a lovely dragonfly bookmark which I decided to hang from the rearview mirror in the car. I love seeing it when I’m in the car, and it’s a beautiful reminder of how important it is to ‘keep the faith’ and believe that good things will come your way. “I love what you said about bringing love and happiness to someone in a relationship as well as receiving those gifts yourself. You are a ‘flyer,’ and you inspire others to ‘fly’ as well. “Matt’s first wife, knowing she was dying, told Matt she wanted him to find a loving relationship. She knew Matt needed love and companionship in his life and knew Matt was able to give the same to a loving partner. So, look skyward and keep telling yourself, ‘Belief gets you there!’ Tom’s response: “I am going to add another ‘C’ to your ‘CC’ name, you are now ‘Cherished Cheryl C.” Patricia, “My partner Len and I are in Vienna Austria, and will start a Collette tour tonight as we meet up with our director and fellow travelers. We arrived here yesterday morning and after a good night’s sleep got on the subway this morning and went to the Spanish Riding School to watch a training session…just great. “Even though this trip was planned many months ago it has come at a very significant time for us. My daughter Melissa, age 53 passed away on April 10th due to multiple organ failure. It was a shock and it’s been a learning experience for sure. I dealt with the death of my husband almost 22 years ago, but this is totally different. “I have accepted Melissa’s death; I don’t have any other choice. “At this stage of my life, I had to decide whether to let this overwhelm me or to keep moving. I chose to keep moving. Not a day goes by that she’s not in my thoughts, but I know I have to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a way of honoring my daughter and I know she would want me to do it the way I’ve chosen. “I am glad you are keeping busy and finding your way. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us.” Tom’s response: “Patricia and Len are included in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50,” published in 2009. They are Chapter 12, titled, Love on the Back of a Harley. Alive and Kicking Carolyn, “Your eNewsletters always pull at the heartstrings and inspire Champs. It’s as though you are reading our minds and know what our souls are aching for. “In this ‘new’ life, we must take it one day at a time. We are still alive and kicking and must enjoy every single minute. You are our emotional support mentor; your eNewsletters are sustenance for our broken hearts! “Relatives and friends don’t always understand our true feelings, but you do. Thank you for what you have done to inspire all Champs.” Tom’s response: Of course, Carolyn’s alive and kicking comment triggered my ‘reminds me of a song’ thought I often get while writing these columns. This week it’s the singing group Simple Minds, from a 1985 album of the same name. The link to that song is below and a second link to another Simple Minds song is also below. Why two Simple Minds songs? Because my favorite song of theirs was from the original soundtrack of the movie “The Breakfast Club.” It’s called Don’t You Forget About Me.” So that link is listed below as well, just above my picture. Link to Alive and Kicking Please have a look at the link below to Don’t You Forget About Me. Here is Alex Joyce’s contact information Alex Joyce (Owner/Technician)(949) 485-1767 (Call to schedule with Alex)(949) 204-9923 (Alex’s Cell) UserFriendlyComputerService.comMyWebsiteDesigned.com Thanks for caring, Champs. I won’t forget about you; please don’t you forget about me. |
Keep ‘Em Flying
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 12, 2023
by Tom Blake – Senior dating columnist
“Keep ‘Em Flying” Reflections from Tom
(above photo courtesy of Christy Fisher)
I’ve been writing senior-related eNewsletters for around 20 years. Many of you have been subscribers since then. Today’s is unusual. I am not seeking sympathy from you Champs. I simply had to get some thoughts off my chest.
The last six months have been a blurry, bumpy road for me. During that time since the passing of my life partner, Greta, I’ve done a lot of reflecting on my life and realized it’s important for me to move forward, to seek health and happiness. I’ve concluded that I can’t sit back and hope those things will happen on their own. It’s up to me.
I can improve my chances of maintaining health and rebuilding happiness by reconstructing three things I’ve let slip somewhat during those six months. They are:
1 Career work – I sold my deli in 2016 after 25 years of making sandwiches, serving customers, and managing my staff. In giving those things up, I needed something to keep me busy and my mind active. I am blessed to have been a newspaper columnist for 28 years, and, at my age, to still be writing for nine printed newspapers – three in South Orange County, California.
The other six newspapers are monthly senior publications called 50plus Life in Pennsylvania.
My first article was published on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News, which at that time was owned by The Orange County Register, the nation’s 22nd-largest newspaper.
In 2013, I left the Register and switched to a small syndicate called Picket Fence Media which publishes three local newspapers—The Dana Point Times and San Clemente Times (weekly), and The Capistrano Dispatch (San Juan Capistrano (twice monthly).
My fifth printed book was published in 2022, titled, Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark.
Plus, I write this eNewsletter that keeps me busy every week.
I plan to continue writing until the ink runs dry. Will I write another book? Not sure. However, writing keeps my brain working and gives me a weekly purpose and deadlines to meet.
2 Activities to work on – Three things fall under this category that keep me active and happy. The first is exercise, which includes Standup Paddle Boarding in nearby Dana Point Harbor. I aim for three to four times each week depending on the weather and other factors. SUP is good exercise for the entire body and helps with balance, so important for seniors.
I’ve also recently joined a tai chi class, held weekly on a hilltop overlooking Dana Point Harbor, taught by Ron, one of our incredible Champs.
My second project is working on my home in Monarch Beach. I purchased the home new in 1992 and am fortunate to still own it. There were times when things got tough such as the 2008 recession when I considered selling it just to squeak by financially.
But Greta insisted I not sell it and I am so grateful for her advice. With the home now 32 years old, there are always projects to keep me busy. This spring, because of all the rain, the weeds are out of control, and I am slowly removing them. I planted a rose bush in Greta’s honor on her birthday, May 9.
The third activity is a home that I was fortunate to acquire in Palm Springs five years ago. That home was built in the 1970s so there are always maintenance projects out there that keep me busy. A big plus, it’s only a two-hour drive in each direction. A few of our Champs live in the Coachella Valley, where Palm Springs is located.
3. Relationships – I was beyond blessed to have a special relationship with Greta for 25 years. Having her in my life made me happy and I believe kept me healthy. Greta passed away last October 29. While I will miss her forever, I feel having a mate in my life may bring me some degree of happiness. At my age, I don’t have time to wait for even a year to start searching. So, I’ve decided to be proactive in finding a mate. I’m forcing myself to get off the couch and out of the house as much as possible.
I also felt that joining two online dating sites would improve my chances of meeting someone and it gives me a ray of hope that has been missing since Greta passed. Greta told me repeatedly before she passed that she wanted me to spend my final years with a mate. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.
So, I believe pursuing the three categories listed above will help bring me happiness.
5 Simple Phrases
Plus, during these last six months, I have taped to my computer screen these five simple phrases by which to live. They are gentle reminders to me of what’s important in my life.
“Let It Be” – Of course, those words are from the 1970 Beatles song of the same name. When the road gets tough, I try to remind myself of these three words. It has eased the recent stress.
“Don’t Overthink it!” – Sometimes I say to myself, “Should I or should I not?” For example, should I send a message to a potential mate or should I play it cool? Then I remind myself to just follow my heart and not worry about it. Or, at Costco, I think, “Should I purchase that pair of sunglasses for $25 that would give me a nice backup pair.” I say out loud, “Tom, don’t overthink it.”
“Keep ‘Em Flying” On April 15, 2023, I was at an outdoor arts and craft fair in Demuth Park in Palm Springs. I was walking past a booth where a family of six were gathered observing the artwork of a man named Kevin Sullivan. I heard Kevin say to the family, “Each one of you pick a number between one and 20.” And he looked at me, although I was just walking by, and said, “You pick a number also.” I had no idea what was going on. For some reason, I blurted out “17.” A few seconds later, Kevin said, “You won.”
I had won a painting of his called “Keep ‘Em Flying,” of a cartoon character like Snoopy flying an antique airplane. I posted it on my wall at the Palm Springs house. I interpreted that to mean that even though I had lost Greta five months before, I needed to keep on moving forward, in other words, to “Keep ‘Em Flying” and not give up living.
“Are you okay?” I read an article on how to deal with people who are being nasty, argumentative, negative, or combative: disarm them without violence or arguing. The article suggested saying, “Are you okay?” It tosses the ball back into their court without confrontation. I think it’s wise for me to remember those words and use them when appropriate.
And finally, “It doesn’t matter.” I say this when things may not be going as planned or hoped for. They ease stress. It’s a reminder that there are more important things in life than minor mishaps. The words help keep me on the happiness road.
Thanks for listening, Champs, and for letting me vent. I did a lot of reflecting on my life this past week as Greta’s family and I, about 30 of us, held Greta’s celebration of life on Catalina Island on Saturday, May 6. Why did we wait for so long? Because Greta’s birthday was May 9, she wanted the ceremony out there. All four of her children were born there.
I felt blessed to have my two sisters, Christine and Pam, and Pam’s husband, Bob, go with me for support to Catalina Island.
Also, while not attending Greta’s celebration of life, my neighbors, Coleen and Alex, and other neighbors, Kresta and Jake, were on Catalina celebrating Coleen’s and Alex’s wedding anniversary on that day. The four of them went out of their way to meet my sisters and Bob for 30 minutes before we left to attend Greta’s celebration. Having these seven people supporting me lifted me up and made me happy.
And then, after we had scattered Geta’s ashes from a private boat, I received a text from one of our Palm Springs’ Champ’s daughters that her dad had passed away. It was totally unexpected. I had known him for 30 years. Wow, sort of a double whammy on a double-whammy day. I thought to myself: “Keep ‘Em Flying.”
I had plenty of time to reflect on life during that May 6 ferry boat trip from Avalon back to Dana Point (an hour and a half). The notes I jotted down on the boat became the basis for this week’s eNewsletter, which I began writing on May 9 (Greta’s birthday).
Send me some positive stories for future eNewsletters. We all need to “Keep ‘Em Flying.”
Overcoming the pain of losing a mate
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
May 5, 2023
By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake
Five women share their views on overcoming the pain of losing a mate.
In today’s eNewsletter, a rarity occurs. It’s the first time I’ve included links to two songs. Those links are at the end of today’s column.
There were more than 25 email responses to last week’s “How soon to date online after a mate passes?” eNewsletter—which was based on Gloria’s brave description of losing her “Italian Stallion” Peter.
Today, I invited five women from those 25 Champs into my virtual writing office and had them contribute to this column. Some of the remaining 20+ responses will surface in a future article.
Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. I love reading every word you write. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’
“We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.
“I lost my close friend and companion in 2020 on April 10th (Good Friday). He was one of those people who contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was so sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia! After that, all his organs started to fail.
“Back to the present! I am now seeing a man who is not my usual choice of a man, but he is nice, treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like and he treats me to fantastic Broadway shows. He is short, chubby, and bald but is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Neither did I.
“I am so hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Hmm, possibly Gloria, whom you wrote about last week? She is quite lovely on the eyes I must say. Sorry to hear of Peter’s passing. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!”
Tom: “I appreciate the matchmaking suggestion. Actually, Gloria and I talked about your suggestion, but we agreed that a 2,500+ miles distance is a bit far, and neither one of us would be willing to relocate. So, we will remain pen pals.”
Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your Newsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.
“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).
“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but, I knew there had to be someone out there that I could really connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.
“I was able to recognize the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years+ later we are very happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.
“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.
“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true.
“Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”
Tom’s response to Pat: Wow, you’ve been a Champ for years and this is your first response. Please continue because you are very pleasant and wise, and your story is one of hope.
I signed off to Pat as “Tom the Frog, hoping to become a Prince.”
Pat’s email made me think of Neil Diamond’s song, “I Am…I Said.” Especially, the line about the frog.
“Did you ever read about a frog
Who dreamed of being a king
And then became one?
Well except for the names
And a few other changes
If you talk about me
The story is the same one
But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I’ve tried
But it won’t let me go
And I’m not a man who likes to swear
But I never cared
For the sound of being alone…”
(Link to the song below)
Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.
“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to tell about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”
Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about senior loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Senior loneliness sucks and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.
“I retreated to Cebu (Philippines Islands where I’m from) and busied myself with different activities. Ballroom dancing was popular then, so I took up ballroom dancing. Found a great yoga teacher, so I took up yoga again. I spent a lot of time meeting new and old friends at the mall. Anything and everything to drive the loneliness away.
“When I came back to California, I joined Match. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.
“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”
Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!
“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I just want a new beginning.
“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They just don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.
Tom’s comment: Dee’s immediate paragraph above reminds me of a quote attributed to Algerian philosopher Alfred Camus: “Don’t walk in front of me—I may not follow. Don’t walk behind me I may not lead. Walk beside me—Just be my friend.”
Dee continues: “No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that; we have become unwilling experts.
“I was just thinking of ways to get myself back into life as I knew it when I remembered going to see James Taylor in concert when I was young. He could grab my heartstrings and I truly enjoy his music.
Before my 33-year love fest, this song really got to me. Today, with emotions a bit raw, I sang this song, “Don’t let me be lonely tonight.” It brought me back to my youth and reminded me of hoping to find someone again.
“Here’s to finding love again after 50 and beyond. Here’s to all the dreamers filled with hope, who don’t want to be lonely tonight.”
Link to James Taylor’s “Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight.”
On Life and Love after 50 