On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
July 7, 2023
By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist
Senior love only comes along occasionally
Last week, we wrote about Betsy, who was concerned that if she started dating a friend, and it didn’t work out, she would lose him as a friend. I suggested she take a chance on love. Here’s what 12 Champs wrote.
Christine, “I love your advice to Besty! Her concerns are real and could certainly hold her back from a possible fuller relationship with her current friend. I liked that he was ‘bold’ to tell her that he wanted to kiss her. And I hope she truly believes your suggestions. And if they both act like adults–if it doesn’t work out–they could become even better friends. And who knows? They could end up finding their Chapter Two.”
Naomi, “Re: Betsy’s dilemma with a possible romance. Be very, very careful, and very clear. Have that discussion with him and have it several times. He may just be willing to move forward with you because he misses someone else, and the relationship may not be what either of you wants.
“I’ve dated in the dorm, and at the workplace, and it wasn’t only awkward afterward, in one event it was so upsetting I was looking out for him around every corner. If you address the issue over the course of many conversations, not only are you getting to know him better, but all sorts of unrevealed agendas will come up. Do not jump into this. Friends first (as you already seem to be) and strengthen that.”
Thryza, “I am still in the Philippines, this time I am in Manila, visiting my sister.
Our school reunion was a reunion for all times. As the culmination of the event, we chartered a yacht to cruise the sea of Cebu.
“Sadly, one of our batch mates who was on dialysis came to two events but died four days later. At a formal dinner, she was dressed to the nines. We complimented her for her indomitable spirit to attend our reunion.
“We all complimented her for the way she showed up, looking jovial. Little did we know that was the last time we would see her. It just goes to show that at our age, it’s important to say nice things to each other because it could be our last goodbye. She sat across from me, and although I didn’t know her well, I told her how great she looked. She smiled back. I won’t forget that smile for a long time.
“With regards to “Goochi,” I just thought you were making fun of the brand. Oh well, you took the spelling correction comments kindly.
“Weather here in Manila is a daily supply of rain. After being here seven years ago, Cebu, where our reunion was, took a turn for the better. I was impressed.
“Manila’s traffic is the worst but so many resort hotels have been built along the boulevard facing Manila Bay. One hotel is owned by a Japanese conglomerate. It rivals that of the Venetian. My nephew is interested in taking me to tour the new hotels. I would rather go to the hills and enjoy nature and the many restaurants that are more inspired by farm-to-table cuisine.”
Elenute, “What if she likes him but doesn’t feel she’d like to do more than cuddle? Do you think she should still pursue the connection with him?”
Tom’s response: “Yes, Betsy should pursue a discussion with him. Also, she gave no indication that she’d only want to cuddle. That was merely Elenute thinking out loud. If Betsy only wanted to cuddle, I’d say forget pursuing him because she’s already got the friendship aspect with him.”
Stephanie, “I think your advice to Betsy is spot on. On a personal note, my maternal grandmother, a widow, moved to a retirement community in her early 70s. She went to many activities there. One was the senior chorus of which she became a member.
“She met a nice man there, about 10 years older, and they moved in together. However, my mother told me the couple ‘had to get married’ (this was in the early 1970s) because there was so much gossip about them being ‘shacked up’ lol. My grandmother stayed happily married to the man till she died at age 84 (he survived her at 95). So good luck to Betsy!”
Carolyn, “This eNewsletter really packed a punch. I’m so happy that you spoke from your heart to Betsy.
“I loved the way you spelled “Goochi.”
“I hope that Betsy listens to your 100% spot-on advice. This gentleman sounds like the real deal, so she needs to hop on his bandwagon as soon as possible. Sounds like a beautiful relationship in the making!
Laurie Jo, “I hope that the woman who is hesitant at starting a relationship with the gentleman who was married for 55 years will take a leap of faith and ‘take a chance.”
“I don’t know if you like country music but there’s a Lady Antebellum song, “If I Knew Then,” with words “If I knew then, what I know now, I’d fall in love. Love only comes occasionally.’ I really identify with it.
“Go for it.”
My buddy, Jim, said, “In the recent newsletter, about the lady who wasn’t sure about going out with the neighbor because she wasn’t sure how she would feel if it didn’t work out, I felt you took that one on nicely.
“You made her realize that it’s a short life and what does she have to lose? By not going out with him, she could lose this guy and he’s close by, convenient and easy and he likes her (the lean-in and her interest was a cool way to show he liked her).”
Anonymous, “I recently had a similar situation with a friend who is about 12 years younger than me, and we have known each other for 10 years through a sports club that we both belong to.
“We have always had a strong friendship with a lot of physical attraction. However, we chose to go separate ways because of differing lifestyles. We will continue to be friends and want only the best for each other.
“I agree with your advice to Betsy and hope she will not miss this opportunity to have great love.”
Linda,” Betsy needs to think about this. if this guy is looking for someone to love and Betsy isn’t receptive, he will look for someone else. Men want intimacy and let’s face it a lot of women don’t. I think those women use that as an excuse to just be friends. She shouldn’t be concerned about what others think in her community unless she has a dance card with lots of names on it.”
Marjie, “I enjoyed reading your blog about ABBA as I was in Stockholm in March, and we visited the ABBA museum. Initially my boyfriend (I am dating my old college boyfriend again after 46 years apart and we are in a long-distance relationship (Washington and Southern CA) did not want to see the museum, lucky for me it was near the VASA museum!
“At first, he said he would sit outside while I went in, but when we got there, he changed his mind and enjoyed himself. It was much more extensive and interesting and just FUN than we expected and quickly became a highlight of our trip!
“As to your column today about the fear of dating, I agree with you. At this age, I think we just need to go for it. We know tomorrow is not guaranteed. She needs to talk it over with her friend. They both sound like nice people who can keep it civil and honest.”
Marcie seeks advice
Marcie, “Lots of good advice for Betsy from Tom. Betsy needs to follow her heart and decide. Be bold. Let him know how you feel and go at it with an open mind. If romance doesn’t work, the ‘nice friendship’ will survive. It would be wonderful to have friendship and romance, but we cannot have it all… can we?
“I have known my current man for 23 yrs. I was married when I met him. Now divorced for 17yrs, I am single and solo. But this man is a good person and secure financially and we have lots of common interests.
“Our romance did not last however our friendship is still going strong. We travel together, we go dancing, and we’re out and about doing our things. Lots of laughter and good times. He says to let him know when I start dating but he makes it so comfortable for me. Any advice?”
Tom: “So, it’s the romance that’s missing? I assume you don’t live together. What is it you want? When you travel together, do you sleep in the same bed, but just no action? I bet 95 percent of our men readers want romance to be a part of their senior relationship.
“It sounds like if you start dating, he will bail out. And if you start dating, you may not find a romantic partner and he may back off anyway, then you would be solo and alone.
“Marcie, your arrangement is like Betsy’s situation, but different. Tell us what you want with your relationship with him. And then follow your wishes.”
On Life and Love after 50 