On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 19, 2018
Remarriage: Don’t relinquish a pension
In today’s eNewsletter, I want to address a question I received from Champ Carole. She wrote, “I’m living in Gardnerville, Nevada with my boyfriend and happily so.” Carole’s email had a senior dating issue inside. A possible pitfall when seniors remarry, or at least are considering remarriage.
Carole continued, “A gal friend just called me. She is a widow, as I am, and has a new guy friend. They want to get married in June. She has government retirement income from her late husband and is concerned about losing it if she marries. Her guy friend is retired and has good income and a big house. He seems to be a very nice guy—a widower, with two grown sons—one of whom lives with him.
“I wanted her to be able to contact you for advice—she doesn’t use email! Could I buy her a book of yours to help her? Any advice you could pass along to her would be helpful.
“My guy friend and I are trying to help her but feel kind of inadequate. I hope you can get this while on your cruise.
My response: “I have nothing against senior remarriage. In fact, this week, friends of mine and Greta’s, Tom and Artis, who live in Arizona, and have been together for nearly 20 years, announced via email that they got married on October 15. After I picked myself up off the floor of our stateroom from their surprise news, I congratulated them.
However, there is one exception to seniors getting married where I think it’s a bad idea. And that’s when a spouse would forfeit a guaranteed pension from a deceased spouse.
Carole, your friend should not get married, unless there is something about her situation that has not been revealed. What does she gain by getting married? Senior dating and adult children often don’t mix.
The government income is guaranteed. Marriage isn’t. It doesn’t matter that he has a big house and nice income. What if he decides after a month of marriage that he isn’t happy? She’s out and, also out her pension. Or, what if he unexpectedly passes away before arrangements are made to provide for her financially?
There might be exceptions: If he puts her on the deed to his house before getting married (might be a slim chance of that with a grown son living there), and, or, he adequately provides for her in a pre-marital agreement. I still think remarrying is a bad idea for her.
Phil Green and Laurie Dey wedding with Tom Blake as Officiant in 2008
I married the above couple in 2008. It was a great idea and they are friends of ours and happy in 2019.
Carole’s friends can have a great relationship without getting married. Having a grown son living with him is also a red flag.
As far as a “Finding Love After 50” book, I can have one mailed to you one from California, but, it wouldn’t be autographed because I’m on a cruise.
If your widow friend has more questions, she can give them to you and you email them to me.
Carole responded: “Thanks for the advice—that’s exactly what we said but, it sounds better coming from you. If you could get me a book I will give it to her.
This is a great community, and we’re keeping busy with many activities at our fabulous senior center. I volunteer at the local museum, joined the Elks club, enjoy swimming at a beautiful swim center (6 indoor pools) and hike occasionally with my man-friend.”
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter October 12, 2018
Senior Cruising: People you meet on board
by Columnist Tom Blake
My partner Greta and I are on day 13 of an 82-day Grand Asia & Pacific cruise. There are approximately 855 passengers and a crew of 700 the ms Amsterdam, a Holland America Line ship.
I estimate that 70 percent of the passengers are age 60+. Most are retired, some are married or traveling with a significant other. Many are single but traveling with a friend. During the first two weeks, we’ve met many interesting people.
If you ask passengers what they enjoy most about cruising, many will tell you it’s the ports they visit. Our first two ports were Dutch Harbor, Alaska and Petropavlovsk, Russia; there are 30 more to go.
Other passengers will say it’s the amenities: you don’t have to prepare meals, or take the dirty dishes to the sink, or even make your bed, those things are all done for you on a cruise.
But some passengers–Greta and I included–consider a cruise’s highlight to be the people you meet on board.
Greta and I prefer what’s called open-seating at dinner. You dine with different people most every night. You have time to talk to them over dinner and get to learn a bit about them.
Almost always, the first question when meeting new people: “Where are you from?”
The first couple we met were from San Antonio, Texas. They boarded the ship in Seattle, before it came to Los Angeles.
At dinner the second night, we dined with a California couple who live in Camarillo, California, but own onion farms in the vast Central Valley north of Los Angeles. They explained how hard it is to make a living at farming because of the lack of irrigation water coming from the California Delta area.
The man said, “The situation could be fixed by the authorities simply turning the pumps back on.”
A woman named Elena, originally from Romania, now residing in Canada, also was at our table. She explained that her husband was too busy to travel so she was a married woman traveling alone.
On the third day, we met eight new people, four at a small gathering in one of the ship’s lounges: a woman from Dallas, another woman named Barbara from New Orleans, and a married couple from Colorado.
The other four we met at dinner. Two of them said they were traveling together. I guess you could consider them to be a LAT relationship (living apart together) couple.
The man, Clyde, from Gulfport, Mississippi, had worked with Corrine’s husband before the husband had passed away. Corrine lives in Washington, D.C.
At the same table, there was another couple from Mississippi, who had driven four days to Los Angeles to save on airfare. However, they had parked their car for 82 nights in a nearby lot, which cost them $750.00. Plus, they stayed in hotels going to the ship and returning home. Flying might have been cheaper.
A couple of days later, we met another couple living in a LAT relationship. Frank, a former Department of Defense employee, who resides in Macon, Georgia, and Linda, who lives in Victoria, British Columbia. They met by coincidence on a previous cruise. He had purchased a vacation condo in Florida. His realtor had a client who wanted a winter, “snow bird” rental. Frank rented it, came on the cruise, and met Linda.
He was a character with multiple entertaining stories about his top-secret DOD life.
The other two at the table were women in their late 70s who met on a cruise eight years before. One was from Vienna, Austria, and her friend was from Florida. They said they enjoy traveling together.
Greta met a woman named Gillian at a seminar who said she was originally from Liverpool, England. Greta said, “Oh, did you grow up watching the Beatles?”
Gillian said, “No. I’m only 60; the Beatles were before my time.”
Later, I sat next to Gillian and her husband Jim while watching an NFL game on TV in the sports bar. Gillian was wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey.
I said, “Green Bay fan, eh Gillian?”
“Of course,” she said, “We are cheese heads; we live in Wisconsin.”
One morning at breakfast I saw a guy who looked so much like Johnny Cash I about fell over. I worked with and knew Johnny well in the 1970s. The next time I saw him, I introduced myself and told him how much he resembled Johnny. He said his name was Alex and he was honored and suggested we get together for dinner with he and his wife. He grew up in England and his wife in Germany and now they live near Vancouver, British Columbia.
Turns out, Alex and Kirsten were dance instructors on the ship.
Alex (Johnny Cash look-a-like) & Kirsten and Tom and Greta in the dining room of ms Amsterdam
Here is a picture of me, my sister Pam, and Johnny Cash in 1993. Doesn’t Alex look like him? Same height, same facial structure, and same smile.
Tom, Johnny Cash, and Tom’s sister, Pam Peters, in 1993.Photo taken in 1993 at Humphrey’s By The Sea in San Diego
Another night, we had dinner with an intriguing couple. The man was 6’ 2” and his wife was 5’ 1”. He was also from a small town in Germany and she was originally from South America. They met while working for the same high-tech company. They now live in Carson City, Nevada.
The other couple eating with us that night were Diane and John from South Carolina, near Charlotte, North Carolina. They are retired and said they’ve taken several world cruises.
A couple of mornings ago at breakfast, a guy wearing a bright red tee-shirt with “Alabama Football” emblazoned across the front asked if he could sit at the table where I was having coffee.
I said, “Of course, but it’s about that tee-shirt you’re wearing.” He laughed and asked who I followed in college football.
“I’m a Wolverine,” I said. He laughed and said, “Poor guy, Michigan just can’t win the big games.” We exchanged friendly football barbs.
At a table near us, we both heard I guy mention Alabama. The guy at my table tapped the other guy on the shoulder and pointed to his tee-shirt.
“Roll Tide,” the other guy said, which is what all proud followers of Alabama football say.
Barbara, the woman from Louisiana we had met at the small cocktail party a few days earlier, sat down at our table next to the swimming pool. She said her son had studied computer programming at LSU and worked for Twitter in Silicon Valley. He had previously worked at Google.
She said she was dumbfounded that her son and his wife had just purchased a fixer-upper home in Mountain View, California, south of San Jose, in the heart of Silicon Valley, for $1.8 million.
She told them they could buy a home in Louisiana for $80,000. “But, it’s an investment, Grandma,” he said. (My partner Greta could relate; he grandson Andre and his wife Lindsay just purchased their first house in Los Angeles for about $1.3 million.
And finally, yesterday at breakfast, we sat with two women who said they were recently widowed. The have known each since they were age 14 and enjoy taking trips together. They are from Norway. One of the women said her son is the President of Holland America Line.
I said, “Wow, I bet you have a nice stateroom.” She laughed and said, “Well, it is on the seventh deck.” (the deck with all of the luxury suites.)
So, you can understand why Greta and I enjoy meeting the other passengers on board the ship. Everybody has a story to tell. And it always amazes us the diversity of areas from which the people come.
October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean
Yelling or being yelled at doesn’t help anything
by Columnist Tom Blake
Before leaving on this cruise that my significant other, Greta, and I are currently taking, I read an article titled, “Don’t make excuses for a husband’s yelling.” It was written by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist using a format similar to Dear Abby, dated September 2, 2018, in the Washington Post.
I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.
I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry yelling mate.
And then, on September 28, I received even more inspiration to write on the topic when Champ Christine Baumgartner, a knowledgeable relationship coach, with whom most of you are familiar, posted a simple notice on the On Life and Love After 50 Facebook group that read:
“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”
So, out here on the Pacific Ocean, as our ship heads toward Dutch Harbor, Alaska, I studied Ms. Hax’s article. A woman had written Hax stating: “My husband is wonderful, supportive, kind…We have been together a long time and love each other dearly.
We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry, he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.
I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.
I feel like he gets so angry, so quickly, over so many things that it makes me reluctant to tell him things that are negative…I know we are both at fault: He needs to control his temper and I need to be less sensitive.”
The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”
Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”
Based on my experience with my yelling, former girlfriend, who would slowly get angry and raise the sound level of her voice to screaming level, as if she had an anger accelerator within her body, although I had done absolutely nothing to trigger it, I learned that people must extricate themselves from this type of relationship.
Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.
It was hard to end the relationship because I cared, but as stated in Christine’s Facebook post, being disrespected—and being yelled at is just that—isn’t worth the “but I love him” title.
Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.
When my yelling girlfriend and I went to counseling, as we walked from the car to the counselor’s office, she said, “Don’t tell her the truth.” And got angry when I tried to explain that that was why we were there. We never went back.
If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.
Part 2 -Cruise update
We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.
Internet is iffy because it’s done via satellite. We usually can access our email accounts, but opening websites like Facebook or CBS Sports is sporadic at best. Probably like most passengers, we’ll try to get in some internet action while ashore in Dutch Harbor.
On Tuesday, we met 12 people–two at lunch, six at a small cocktail party and four at dinner. Two were from San Antonio, Texas, one from Dallas. Three from Mississippi, two from Colorado, two from the Imperial Valley in California, one from Atlanta, and one from New Orleans.
Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.
October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean
Being yelled at doesn’t help anything
by Columnist Tom Blake
Before leaving on this cruise that my significant other, Greta, and I are currently taking, I read an article titled, “Don’t make excuses for a husband’s yelling.” It was written by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist using a format similar to Dear Abby, dated September 2, 2018, in the Washington Post.
I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.
I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry, yelling mate.
And then, on September 28, I received even more inspiration to write on the topic when Champ Christine Baumgartner, a knowledgeable relationship coach, with whom most of you are familiar, posted a simple notice on the On Life and Love After 50 Facebook group that read:
“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”
So, out here on the Pacific Ocean, as our ship heads toward Dutch Harbor, Alaska, I studied Ms. Hax’s article. A woman had written Hax stating: “My husband is wonderful, supportive, kind…We have been together a long time and love each other dearly.
We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.
I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.
I feel like he gets so angry, so quickly, over so many things that it makes me reluctant to tell him things that are negative…I know we are both at fault: He needs to control his temper and I need to be less sensitive.”
The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”
Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”
Based on my experience with my yelling, former girlfriend, who would slowly get angry and raise the sound level of her voice to screaming level, as if she had an anger accelerator within her body, although I had done absolutely nothing to trigger it, I learned that people must extricate themselves from this type of relationship.
Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.
It was hard to end the relationship because I cared, but as stated in Christine’s Facebook post, being disrespected—and being yelled at is just that—isn’t worth the “but I love him” title.
Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.
When my yelling girlfriend and I went to counseling, as we walked from the car to the counselor’s office, she said, “Don’t tell her the truth.” And got angry when I tried to explain that that was why we were there. We never went back.
If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.
Part 2 -Cruise update
We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.
Internet is iffy because it’s done via satellite. We usually can access our email accounts, but opening websites like Facebook or CBS Sports is sporadic at best. Probably like most passengers, we’ll try to get in some internet action while ashore in Dutch Harbor.
On Tuesday, we met 12 people–two at lunch, six at a small cocktail party and four at dinner. Two were from San Antonio, Texas, one from Dallas. Three from Mississippi, two from Colorado, two from the Imperial Valley in California, one from Atlanta, and one from New Orleans.
Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.