On January 10, 2025, the eNewsletter was titled, “False Hope.” It was about a Champ named Ann, not her true name, who wrote that she had met a man named Ben (name changed also) whose wife had had Alzheimer’s Disease for 10 years.Ben’s wife still lived at home under his care. On Christmas Day, 2024, Ben contacted Ann and they met for a glass of wine that day and found they were attracted to each other, especially Ann attracted to Ben.
Ann emailed me often in early 2025 about her encounters with Ben. On May 26, 2025, Ann emailed me, “I heard from Ben on Mother’s Day, remember him with the Alzheimer wife? He lovingly wished me happy Mother’s Day and, of course, I was over the moon.
The next eNewsletter, January 17, 2025 (Both eNewsletters can be read on my FindingLoveAfter50.com website, featured 22 responses from Champs about the brief encounter Ann had with Ben. Almost all responses felt Ben was cheating on his wife and Ann was totally out of line.
“I thanked him and said I thought of him and hoped he was well. He also texted me on Easter, this coming from a man who wanted the door closed. I responded.
Last week, she emailed again.
“I have no idea how his wife is doing, apparently, she’s still here and things might be the same. I think you know how I feel about Ben; he is still the one for me.”
“Then, in the evening he responded to my text and said he also thought of me and here comes the next thing that sent me shivers, he said maybe someday we can go out for dinner.
Ann emailed me several times in 2025 and early 2026, always writing about Ben.
“I have been seeing Ben, I believe I wrote you after he bailed again but I did not follow up with what happened after. The next day, after the breakup, he texted me, it was heartbreaking to read how he poured out his heart.
“He said he didn’t know what had come over him, that life was so stressful with his wife still alive, but lovingly taken care every day and night.
“Ben said he had deep feelings for me and didn’t want to lose me, could I please forgive him and could we talk. We did and got some things straightened out; I felt more understanding as this continues to be a difficult situation for us both.
“Ben tries hard to include me in his life; he has a very busy business plus he visits his wife (living separately in their home) a couple of times a day.
“He obviously loves her and makes sure she has every comfort possible; I love that about him as well as other things. You know Tom, I have loved Ben for over a year, and I believe he had strong feelings about me and decided last Christmas to visit me again.
“Tom, there is never a guarantee in life, not for me, not for you or anyone for that matter.
“I believe I told you about our reunion, we just flew into each other’s arms after 10 months and almost cried with joy. He had that little one-day setback but promised to never hurt me again.
“Ben has been loving and considerate since, we have gone out to dinner, to lunch and we see each other once a week, sometimes like this week, twice for lunch.
“We visit each other’s homes, and I feel comfortable in his house. He holds my hand during lunch, kisses me frequently and thinks I am eye candy, a cute expression he uses.
“As I mentioned, it’s not ideal, I want to see more of him but know the limits, don’t want to push it and let him talk about his pain, (his wife and both daughters he lost a few years ago).
“It now has been almost three months of being together, I know he loves me and I am loving him.
“I am older now, it feels right to be with Ben and one day, we can spend more time together once his wife is no longer with us. I am grateful for this love.”
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 20, 2026 By Columnist Tom Blake
Today’s On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter was inspired by comments from Champs, particularly by Carolyn, who said, “I absolutely and unequivocally loved reading last week’s beautiful Valentine’s Day eNewsletter! So much fun to read all about Yoko’s exciting trip to Japan and eating the black eggs. Thanks to her for the fascinating photo of the black eggs! I also loved seeing the Hello Kitty train! Yay!
“I love anything related to Valentine’s Day! I attended a beautiful Valentine’s Day Party with lots of dancing and dinner! Had a fabulous time! I suspect that you and Debbie had an amazing and beautiful Valentine’s Day.
Tom’s comment. Since Carolyn mentioned that Debbie’s and my Valentine’s Day together was likely amazing and beautiful, I will expound on it.
A better definition of our day would be unusual. Most of you know that I have been trying to sell my Palm Springs vacation home for a year. It’s been a difficult challenge. It fell out of escrow three times. It has been in escrow a fourth time, and it looks like this time it will sell (hopefully). For those of you who have sold properties recently, you know that a big and challenging part of the process is getting rid of furniture and precious belongings, unless you’re able to sell “as is”.
Debbie has been a big help in that regard. She has posted items online for sale and dealt with people seeking low-price deals. Some of the large and heavy furniture pieces were a special challenge. She and I spent much of January and early February in Palm Springs as the hoped-for sale neared. There were a few items that either she or I wanted in our Orange County homes. We hired movers who picked those items up on Thursday, February 12. The truck was crammed full. Plus, we each had driven our own automobiles to Palm Springs and loaded each car with the remaining items that didn’t fit in the mover’s truck.
Sadly, there were six items that wouldn’t fit in our cars. We were going to have to leave them behind. We thought our realtor, Maureen, might store them in her garage until we could make another trip out there, but we knew that was asking a lot of her. And I was not up for another trip to Palm Springs, at least not for another week.
The moving truck left at 11 a.m. with a first stop at Debbie’s place in Mission Viejo. She drove separately to her home in her car, loaded with items. I drove away shortly thereafter, a little sad and emotional, realizing that an enjoyable eight-year period of my Palm Springs life was ending, and arrived in Dana Point around 1:30 p.m. The moving truck arrived at 8:30 p.m. and left about 9:30. I was exhausted. My garage was full.
The next morning, Friday, the 13th, Debbie called and said she had planned to drive back to Palm Springs that day to pick up the six items, but she had injured her ankle with all the lifting and movement, so she was going to drive out on Valentine’s Day instead to try to load the remaining items in her car. I didn’t want her to do that on Valentine’s Day by herself (or any day, for that matter), and I knew those six items would not all fit in her car. So, I drove the two of us in my Honda SUV, which had more room, on Valentine’s Day to Palm Springs and back, which took seven hours.
We were both exhausted, but we laughed at how the two of us seniors were spending our romantic Valentine’s Day. The remaining six pieces fit in my car, but a large clay pot was on the floor of her passenger seat, so her knees were crunched up and bent the whole way back. Now the romantic part of our Valentine’s Day: a lunch together on our return trip to the coast.
We stopped at the Morongo Casino gas station off the I-10 freeway to fill the tank ($1 a gallon cheaper vs other gas stations). An IN-N-OUT Burger restaurant was 50 yards away from the gas pumps. We splurged with a romantic lunch. Debbie had a grilled cheese sandwich; I had a cheeseburger. We split an order of fries and a small diet Coke.
So, Carolyn, our “amazing and beautiful” Valentine’s Day didn’t quite fit that description, but it was memorable, a day we won’t forget.
More Champ CommentsMK (a woman), “As usual, I enjoyed your eclectic column.You do a great service by offering a venue for people to share their stories. I’m happy for you that your selling ordeal is nearly over. Tom’s response, “I’m still waiting for the final phone call to hear that the Palm Springs home has been sold and I hope it’s within 3-4 days.”
Pony Lady, “I loved all the comments about Valentine’s Day. It’s interesting how people feel differently about it.”
Lynn, Santa Margarita, CA, “Thanks for last week’s lovely eNewsletter. WELL, DONE! I did a bit of an early Valentine’s gift for myself. On Feb 5, I wanted a happy-color for my jump-into-my-first-hybrid car. I call her honeybee! Her 600 miles per 11.9-gallon tank is hard to beat! Thanks for all your newsletters…they are so fun & eye opening! “We all really do make our own happiness, making fun where’s there’s none is my mantra! Wishing you a GREAT WEEKEND!”
Tom’s response, “Beautiful car–way to go! “While not new, I call my 2013 Honda CRV Leo.” And often thank him for getting me safely to places. Lynn’s naming her car spawned an unusual topic for next week’s eNewsletter; even a little strange, a little weird, but kind of cute. After all, we older seniors need things that entertain us and keep us happy.
So, Champs, if you still drive a car or own a car, do you name your car, and if so, what name, year, and type of car? Why did you pick that name? Please let me know.
On May 14, I received a text from my next-door neighbor, Jake Rackers. I was surprised to learn that he was texting from the Ryman Auditorium, the music venue in Nashville, Tennessee, the original home of the Grand Ole Opry. He was attending and enjoying a concert by Paul Simon.
Why was Jake texting me from there? On many occasions, Jake, his wife Kresta and I listened to music together on our back patios and they were aware of my connection to Nashville, Johnny Cash, and the Ryman. Jake wanted me to know how great Simon was performing.
As some of you know, I worked with Johhny Cash in the 1970s when I was the Marketing Director for the Victoria Station Restaurant Chain. I remained friends of Johnny and his wife June Carter until they both passed away in 2003. I had seen them perform at the Ryman. And I co-produced an album of Johnny’s train songs, which is on display at the Johnny Cash Museum in Nashville.
Jake bought me a “Paul Simon In Concert” T-shirt, which I cherish (See photos). On the back of the shirt, Simon’s North America 2025 tour stops are listed. Jake pointed out that Simon was scheduled to appear in Long Beach on July 7 and in Los Angeles for five nights at the Walt Disney Concert Hall beginning on July 9. Jake recommended that Debbie (my significant other) and I attend one of Simon’s concerts.
Last Sunday, Debbie mentioned to me that Simon’s concert in Long Beach was postponed for one day to July 8. We decided to try to get tickets and were successful.
I’ve been a fan of Simon and Garfunkel for many, many years. In 1968, after serving in the Vietnam War and graduating from the University of Michigan Business School, I was living in New York City working for American Airlines.
A woman I was dating pleaded with me to take her to the movie “The Graduate,” starring Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft. I hadn’t heard of the movie and thought the movie sounded boring. She threatened to never go out with me again if I didn’t take her. I reluctantly agreed, feeling I was being dragged into the most yawning two hours of my life.
The movie began. In the opening scene, Ben, played by Hoffman, was in the Los Angeles Airport walking in the concourse, having just arrived home after graduating from college. Then the music soundtrack came on. The first song was “The Sound of Silence.” My attitude did an immediate 360 turn. I loved that song. I loved that movie. The Sound of Silence was played three times in the movie. It was written by Simon when he was age 21.
Other songs I liked by Simon and Garfunkel were also in the movie’s soundtrack including “Mrs. Robinson,” “Scarborough Fair,” and “April Come She Will.”
The film won an Oscar. It was the highest grossing film of 1967 and is one of the top 25 films in history. I purchased the 78-rpm record album “The Graduate” as soon as it was available. If you’ve never seen the movie “The Graduate,” I encourage you to watch it. Still incredible after 57 years.
Since then, I’ve enjoyed Paul Simon’s music. It’s been a huge chunk of my life. In my first newspaper column published on July 7, 1994, I quoted these words from the song, “Graceland.”
“Losing love is like a window in your heart, everyone sees you’re blown apart…”
I thank The Rackers for reaching out about Paul Simon’s upcoming appearances and giving Debbie and me a nudge to go see him live. Neighbors like the Rackers are priceless.
Tuesday night, Debbie and I drove to the Terrace Concert Hall in Long Beach. We had prepaid for parking, but the lot was already packed. Snacks and beverages could be purchased outside the concert hall. Our seats were six rows from the top. It’s a beautiful facility with perfect acoustics.
Debbie commented she should have brought her binoculars. It appeared that 99 percent of the seats were filled. Simon and the nine-piece band emerged at 8:15. The crowd rose to their feet with a standing ovation. It was a goose-bump moment.
Debbie and I made a one-dollar bet. “What would be the first song, and the last song played? I said, “First, The Sound of Silence.” She said, “Last, The Sound of Silence.”
Before the music started, Simon spoke and said the first seven songs would be new material. I didn’t recognize any of those. Then, they took an intermission.
On the band’s return to the stage, they opened with “Graceland,” the song I mentioned above.
The next song was “Slip Sliding Away.” Mostly familiar songs followed, including “Homeward Bound.” The concert took over two hours with each of the nine musicians featured. The crowd was on its feet often. Simon’s voice is still strong. The show ended with “The Boxer.” The band left the stage, including Simon. The Sound of Silence hadn’t been played. But that wasn’t the finale.
Of course, the shouting and yelling for an encore reverberated throughout the concert hall. And of course, they returned and played three more songs. Then the band left again. But Simon remained by himself on stage. He grabbed his guitar. And sang solo, you know what: “The Sound of Silence.” The crowd was on their feet, thrilled with the final piece of music.
A glorious night of memories came to an end. It was worth every dollar we spent and the hour drive to get to the Terrace Theatre. Paul Simon is a genius. One of the most prolific song writers ever.
I gave Debbie the dollar. She had been right about the concert ending with “The Sound of Silence.”
Tom’s Speech – Laguna Beach Susi Q Senior Center
380 Third Street
This coming Tuesday, July 15, 5:00 pm to 6:30.
Limited seating, no cost, very limited parking in garage below and do not park in the spaces requiring parking permits. I recommend parking at an outside meter nearby or at a different parking garage.
The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.
There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.
Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.
Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.
“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.
“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”
I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?
Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.
“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees
I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.
I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.
“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.
“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”
As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.
The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).
Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.
After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.
Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.
The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”
However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.
But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.
If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.
Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.
Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life
Helen
Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.
“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.
“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.
“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.
“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”
Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.
Maria
Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.
I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.
Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.
She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.
Last week, we shared widower Bill’s jitters about a first date he had with Jackie, a woman he met online. Here are 14 responses I selected, plus my comments at the end.
George, “I’m a little surprised that Bill didn’t mention what kind of full-time work Jackie does. It’s 1/3 of her daily life – it includes successes and other accomplishments, challenges and stresses. Does she have any kids and/or grandchildren? What is her family life like? Whom does she associate with and what do those people do?
“Her responses would have helped bring her out and see what the two of them have in common. Bill is a widower – does he have any kids? Do their kids have something in common?”
Kaitte, “I totally agree with Bill. Everything Jackie did sends red flags to me. This guy is a real gentleman. Send him my way to Colorado. LOL. It’s a long way away.”
Victoria, “I’d say she paid whether he knew it or not. What a waste of her time!”
S (a woman), “Jackie’s not interested. I wouldn’t exactly fall all over in gratitude for a sandwich and drink either. He sees himself spending money and it’s not going anywhere. What exactly does that mean? Where other than forward does he want to go? It’s called courting, Bill.”
Carolyn, “Oh, Oh! I don’t think Jackie is interested In seeing Bill again. He sounds like a nice guy to know and hike with. It is possible because she is still working so she doesn’t find him compatible.
“I’m happy that Bill spoke to you first about that upcoming date. You gave him excellent advice. Please let him know that he did everything right. This was just not a good connection for Jackie.
“However, I always say, ‘Keep hope alive!’ Tell him to continue to seek a woman who is interested in him. He’s a good guy to know.”
Pat, “Bill did nothing wrong and is a gentleman. Her response was lukewarm, and he should draw the line there and accept no more of that treatment. He should send a brief text thanking her for her company, since he said he would, and leave it at that. She’s a grownup and can initiate if she wants to. He doesn’t need to bend over backwards because he’s busy looking for a woman who is willing.
“She didn’t ask questions because she was dealing with what was in front of her. Maybe she wanted someone who exhibited signs of wealth so she could stop working.
“Maybe she wanted someone 60 because she believes that she looks 60 and maybe she does. None of that is Bill’s problem and he shouldn’t take it personally. He should keep looking and expect it will take effort. Lots of ladies reading this wish they could walk on the beach with him. He sounds like a keeper.
“As to ‘Who Pays for the senior date?” it’s not about what’s fair, counting pennies, women’s lib, what he expects in return, yada yada. Here’s the truth: That is how he SHOWS how he FEELS about her, and if he wants to see her again. And it only needs to be a small appropriate amount. If he doesn’t pay a small tab she will think he didn’t really like her. Enjoying a drink together is a nice gesture and it gives you something to do with your hands!”
Virginia, “Wow, I always enjoy reading your articles. Being a senior but very active and fit, I too am looking for a partner. Not wanting to get married again, but I would love to hang out, cook, and dance. Listen to music and go on hikes together.
“I must tell you the story about the gentleman that I went out with over Christmas time we went out a couple of times, and then I invited him over for dinner.
“He seemed to enjoy the dinner and afterwards I was clearing the table, and he disappeared, I went into the living room, and he had fallen asleep on my sofa! Wow, I was shocked. Maybe I wasn’t a very good conversationalist. Who knows? When he woke up, he said. “Oh gosh, I fell asleep,” and, I said, “Oh gosh, maybe it’s time for you to leave.”
Gloria, “That first date does not sound too encouraging. Jackie steered away from any plans and that may say a lot. On the other hand, she might be shy and afraid to show too much interest; we don’t know about her past experiences.
“Bill is unsure what to do, which is understandable because he got little feedback. That is discouraging. I think the only thing to do is ask her for another date. Texting Jackie might be the safest way.
“If Jackie responds with a no thank you then Bill knows and can let it go.
But maybe she says yes, and they can proceed from there. Good luck Bill, keep your fingers crossed.”
Jeanne, “Jackie definitely was not interested. I could feel her vibes. I usually let the man know by thanking him and wishing him luck in his search. I let him know that I enjoyed him but didn’t feel we were a match. A kind let down is better than leaving him guessing. Many of my dating friends felt that was the wrong way to do it and I always felt it was right for me. I guess I’m not a people pleaser!”
Marie, “Bill, Jackie doesn’t seem to want to pursue a friendship with you. Trying to win her would require a lot of time and energy spent on your part with no result. You seem to be a nice gentleman. You will find your person soon.”
Belinda, “Wow. What Bill wrote, ‘I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere’, really tells all. He’s more concerned with his wallet than he is with her! A breakfast sandwich and a beverage has him concerned? And the next date ideas were a walk or a hike…
“As a 64-year-old attractive eligible woman of some means, the way he acted on this date screams CHEAP to me. I would’ve been turned off, too. These men need to understand that especially in the early phases of dating, they can’t act overly concerned about their budget on a date. IT’S A TOTAL TURNOFF to a woman.
“We want to feel valued and respected and even put on a little bit of a pedestal early on, especially if we are just getting to know you. What we DON’T WANT is some guy giving us vibes that maybe the potential connection isn’t worth a breakfast sandwich with a beverage, or some ‘dinners that go nowhere.’
“I would’ve been cold, too. Sorry, but this guy needs to improve his mindset, so this cheap attitude doesn’t bleed through on dates.”
Gail, “Jackie is not interested in any future dates with Bill.”
Laurie, “I’m flabbergasted. That gentleman was trying to be nice, I get it. Good, he’s trying.
“But the wishy-washy waffling, ‘Ghost her then text?’ What kind of crap is that?
“She hasn’t made up her mind yet! Give her time to digest the date. She’s got a lot going on, and this is supposed to be pleasant for both people. This guy sounds high maintenance to me.”
Christine, Relationship expert, “Dating is so hard for both sides. Sadly, no one knows what to do. Even though most people seem to think ‘They should just know how to date and feel stupid that they don’t.’
“Everyone wants the other person to ‘go first.’ Say they want to do something again. Say they liked them or (even) didn’t like them.
“So, my advice to everyone is to say the truth nicely.
“If you enjoyed the conversation and would like to do it again, please say that. Yes, this can be scary because they might not feel the same way. And you’ll never know if you don’t say. And it will give you practice confirming what you want to do next and saying it out loud.
“If you didn’t enjoy your time with them then say it’s been nice meeting you and I’m not interested in going out again. I will usually say why I think I’m not a match for them because that is certainly part of the reason for my no-thank you to another meeting. Or something like I’m not as religious as you. I’m not interested in the things that are important to you. I wouldn’t participate in the things you spend a lot of time doing.”
Tom’s comments: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, the title of John Gray’s book, certainly applies to these responses. Please remember, Bill only made the comments and shared his thoughts with me, not with Jackie. He paid the tab and didn’t mention it to Jackie.
Give Bill a break. He agreed to share his personal thoughts and obviously his comments struck a chord. He later emailed me again saying, “I will wait and see if she contacts me. That could be a big clue. Probably nothing will go forward with Jackie. That’s ok.’
And then he wrote again. “I texted Jackie a thank you and a Happy Mother’s Day. She did not respond.”
This story reveals why online dating is difficult for seniors. If it works, great and if it doesn’t? Oh well, move on!”
The responses to last week’s article made me think of the song by Bill Haley and The Comets (1954) titled, “Thirteen Women (and Only One Man in Town).” Why? Today, 13 women are featured and only one man.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter New Monthly Feature April 4, 2025
As promised, I am implementing a new monthly feature to the eNewsletter. The photo above is of therapist Debbie Sirkin, taken by me in Dana Point Harbor in 2025.
Your comments about the new feature will be appreciated by me and by Debbie
Ask The Therapist – Volume One
By Champ Debbie Sirkin
Sex isn’t just for the young, but also for the young at heart
Recently, I have received many questions regarding “senior sex,” and I would like to address them. There is so much to say on this topic that it could fill volumes of the eNewsletter.
Since Tom limits the number of words I can use, let’s begin by getting down to basics. Here are some of the questions I have been asked recently: Please give us your definition of sex. How does sex look over the age span? At what age do people stop having sex? How often should I expect to have sex as I get older?
To begin, I need to differentiate between intercourse and sex, as well as intimacy and sex. The word “sex” alone refers to one’s biological characteristics—male or female. Adding the word “having” changes the meaning to refer to a sexual act, though not necessarily intercourse.
“Intimacy” may include sexual activity, but it can also mean sharing personal or private matters with someone you trust. Intimacy fosters closeness, and since communication is key in all relationships, using precise language can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
For example, when a 15-year-old client tells me that all their friends are “having sex,” I ask them to clarify. They might say a friend “went to second or third base” (which amuses me because I didn’t think today’s kids still use those terms), or they might be referring to oral sex or intercourse.
This presents an opportunity to discuss what “having sex” really means and how it varies for different people. Kissing, touching, and oral sex are all forms of sexual activity, but they are not necessarily intercourse. Understanding these distinctions is important when discussing sexuality.
At What Age Do People Stop Having Sex?
There is no set age at which people stop having sex. Many seniors enjoy their sexuality well into their 80s and beyond. Some of my former clients, now in their late 80s, have kept in touch and shared that their sex lives remain active. A fulfilling sex life contributes to overall health and well-being.
Conversely, I have worked with couples in their 30s and older who have stopped having sex. Sexual activity varies greatly across individuals and life stages.
How Does Sex Change Over a Lifetime?
Sexual activity evolves due to various factors, including the arrival of children, Menopause (which can cause vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse), Erectile dysfunction (ED), illness in one partner or within the family, changes in financial circumstances or employment, divorce, or the death of a partner.
Communication is crucial in navigating these changes. When couples fail to discuss shifts in their sex life, resentment and stress can build, further diminishing intimacy. Rather than “running away” from the conversation, it’s important to “run toward” it.
While discussing sexual difficulties can be uncomfortable, avoiding the topic often leads to a nonexistent sex life. Men with ED may stop due to embarrassment, and women may shut down due to pain during intercourse.
However, sexual activity does not have to end; it often just needs to evolve. Oral sex may sound gross to some seniors; however, it can be an effective and powerful way to overcome physical limitations. There are many ways to adapt, including medical treatments, therapy, and open discussions with partners. With the advent of ED medications, many men find their sex lives improved. Women, too, have options for addressing menopause-related changes. Consulting a medical professional can provide guidance on safe and effective treatments.
Embracing Sexuality at Any Age. Our brain is our most powerful “sex organ.” Cultivating desire through anticipation, fantasy, and communication can enhance intimacy. Sending a flirty text, sharing a lingering touch, or planning time for closeness can build excitement.
Sex does not have to be limited to the evening or the bedroom—be playful and creative. Regular, healthy sexual activity offers numerous benefits, including stress reduction, improved sleep, enhanced immunity, and deeper emotional connection. Some even consider it a form of exercise!
Ultimately, sexuality is a personal journey. Define it on your terms and, above all, make it fun! I look forward to answering more of your questions in future eNewsletters!
To contact me, email Tom, and he will forward your emails to me.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week? March 21, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.
One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”
When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.
To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.
Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!
“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.
“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’
“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.
“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”
Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”
Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.
“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.
Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”
Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).
“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.
“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with. “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.
“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?
“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.
“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.
“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”
(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)
Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)
Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.
“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”
Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”
He rode in too fastand wanted sex too soon. She said no.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 14, 2025
By Tom BlakeColumnist
Francine’s refreshing and blunt opinions on senior sex
Last week’s column was about seniors having sex too soon and dealing with adult children when in a relationship. I received several responses, one that I particularly enjoyed came from Champ Francine in Florida.
Francine wrote, “I’d love to put my 2 cents in…as I normally do.
“Having sex too soon or too late doesn’t mean anything, as you are aware, Tom. Falling in love so soon? No. it’s not love. It’s physical attraction. Never to be confused.
“Sex in one’s 50s and 60s? Yes, I believe in that, unless two people don’t care that sex is important at any age. I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.
“If sex is not important to either party…then you either work through it or end it. Both parties must be happy. I’ve been in some ‘sexless’ relationships and wonder why I stayed at the party so long. It eventually erodes your relationship. Now, conversely, if two people don’t want sex…great.
“Now, women who are going through menopause need to visit with their doctor. There are remedies…I find that my friends in their 60s and 70s who don’t like sex, make menopause a great excuse. Maybe they only had one partner and no comparison.
“Being a Scorpio like you, I believe that great sex will enhance one’s relationship…there must be chemistry in all areas: communication, values, etc.
“We are all looking for love…mostly in the wrong places. I find dating sites horrible. Filled with scammers and/or liars. “Please tell your female readers that if a man only wants sex…he is selfish. If they come on strong, they are liars. Although I’ve had a few great relationships, and we matched immediately. It depends on the person.
“One size does not fit all in relationships. Women get closer after sex. Men, or some…pull back…It’s a terrible game.
“As far as meeting a new mate’s children… no, a week or a month is too soon to meet someone’s family.
“I am almost ready to start my book again.”
Tom’s comment:
Francine has been a Champ for years. She is a breath of fresh air: Upbeat, smart, and uninhibited. We’ve not met in person but share one thing in common. Both were born on November 11.
Regarding Francine’s reference to starting to write her book again, years ago, she mentioned that she was writing a book. I told her I’d be happy to check it out and give her suggestions. She is still working on it.
A reminder to Champs. Keep the comments and questions coming. I think what is happening is that there is much stress in the world these days, and people aren’t getting out and about as much. Or maybe it’s just income tax season, and people have other worries to occupy their minds. Or…
Ask The Therapist (Debbie Sirkin) will return next week. Please send your questions for her to me by Tuesday.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.
Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.
“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.
“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.
“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.
“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.
“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.
“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.
“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.
“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.
“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”
Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.
“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.
“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.
“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons. “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.
“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.
Tom’s comment
This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.
Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.
Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.
Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.
Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.
Reminder
If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com
On Life and Love after 50 