On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter
April 15 2022
Tom Blake columnist
This week, when I received an email about “the dance,” I immediately thought it had something to do with Garth Brooks’ incredible song, “The Dance.” As it turns out, it had nothing to do with the message in Garth’s song.
Diane emailed, “I’ve only been a Champ for a couple of years, but I look forward to receiving your eNewsletter each Friday. I enjoy all the banter and great information. The stories are wonderful. I need your wisdom and experience. I have been stumped lately by something I continue to hear about dating. I think you’ve heard it all and maybe you can give me an update.
“I’ve been told I’m behind the times, that my views on dating don’t work anymore and I need to remember it’s 2022. All these so-called experts may be right. The last time I dated was in 1981.
Widow dating
“I was with my husband for 33 wonderful years and have been a widow for more than seven years. In the 1980s, I went on a date to get to know someone, to laugh, to dance, and to enjoy the time together and build a relationship.
“And here’s what I’m puzzled about: sex wasn’t a first-date consideration back then. But it seems to be now. I’ll explain
“I finally decided to try online dating after my friend and my son set up my online account late one evening after I fell asleep. I needed a kick to get moving.
“I enjoyed most of the conversations and went on a couple of coffee meet ups. After each meet up (the same day) I received requests or invites to come over for sex. Now I enjoy the dance (Diane means sex) and would love to get close again but on the first date? In 1981, we were labeled ‘bad’ girls if we took that course of action.
“I asked a few friends and medical experts about this new ‘dance on the first date.’ I was surprised that out of 10 women, nine told me to dance and NOW! Only one said no.”
“So there is part of my dilemma. I want to dance; I want to build a relationship and I am probably a ‘good’ girl. I also know this is probably something not everyone wants to talk about, but I thought the topic is current and of value. We aren’t getting any younger either.
“If you have up-to-date information or views, I will enjoy hearing what you and other Champs think about the first-date dance. I don’t want to feel that a 68-year-old girl gives up. There is so much more life to live. And there will always be new dance steps!”
Tom’s reply:
Thanks for being a Champ and for writing. I think the 9 out of ten women are wrong. Sex on the first date or until you’ve gotten to know a new person is a bad idea. There are too many dangers, including catching a STD (sexually transmitted disease). Some studies have shown that the fastest growing population segment for STDs is age 55 and older.
Plus, you wouldn’t know the person at all. He might be married, in a committed relationship, or be a scammer or a felon. A man who would request “the dance” lacks class and character.
How would you feel if you had sex with a guy and then he never called you again? You’d feel terrible, cheap, used, etc., and that isn’t a good feeling. So don’t buy into that advice.
You have dignity. Yes, intimacy would be nice but only with a person with whom you are building a relationship. A first-date or second-date hop in the sack isn’t anything more than lust. When is having sex okay? After you’ve established a trust with him.
I think an answer to those men who request first-date intimacy is, “Hey, I enjoy sex, but I need to know a person better than over a few sips of coffee. I’m dating to establish a relationship with someone I’m compatible with. I enjoyed your company. It would be nice to have a few dates and see how we feel about each other.”
If he balks, then he isn’t the person for you.
Are you behind the times? Not from that aspect. Are there things for you to learn? Sure, but don’t think you are wrong on this aspect.
I don’t write much about senior sex; I maybe mention it occasionally but it’s an uncomfortable topic. I’m sure some of our Champs will share their opinions on “the dance,” as you call it.
Look at it this way: If a man didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t ask you over for “the dance.”
Link to Garth Brooks’ singing “The Dance.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNaJG0XJaRE
On Life and Love after 50 