Uncategorized – Page 21 – On Life and Love after 50

Never say, “I will never remarry.”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 27, 2018

Tom’s friend Alex, age 62, said, “I will never remarry.”

Granted, Alex said those words 20 years ago. And he was adamant about it. Last week-end, he ate cake. Wedding cake that is.

Background for today’s story:

In the summer of 1988, while surfing at Doheny Beach, in Dana Point, California, I met a guy named Alex Rentziperis.

Between waves, as we chatted, I asked, “What kind of work do you do?”

Alex said, “I’m a barber. In a few months, I’m going to open my own barber shop not too far from here in Dana Point. Right up there,” he said, as he pointed in a northernly direction. “How about you?”

I said, “I going to open my own deli, not too far from here in Dana Point. Right up there,” as I pointed in the same direction as Alex had.

That was the start of a friendship that has lasted for 30 years. Later that year, Alex opened the Sports Barber Dana Point, at the corner of Del Prado and Golden Lantern, above where the Still Water restaurant is located now.

In December, 1988, I opened Tutor and Spunky’s Deli on Pacific Coast Highway, next to the Dana Point Donut Shop, across from Rubens Imports, the Mercedes Benz dealer. Our businesses were a half mile from each other.

During the next 30 years, we’ve done a lot together. Most notably, after my divorce in 1994, and after putting up with some unsavory roommates, I finally was going to get to live alone in my Monarch Beach home. That was before the phone rang. It was Alex, calling from his San Juan Capistrano home.

“Toot,” ( the nickname he had given me) he said, “She threw me out. I’m getting a divorce. Got a spare bedroom for a short time?”

So, Alex moved in. Turned out to be for about a year. He often repeated vehemently that he would never marry again.

We took many camping trips to the Sierras together. I can still picture him standing on a huge rock, trying to master fly fishing, casting into the icy waters of Lake Mary. He got a little too far forward on one cast and did a belly flop right into the lake. I told him he’d never make the Olympic team as a diver.

Alex’s passion is ocean fishing. He has a boat and is out on the water once or twice a week. He taught me how to catch sea bass near the kelp beds. He’s been on the cover of Western Outdoor News, the largest weekly fishing and hunting magazine in the country.

Four years ago, Alex attended an age 55+ singles meet and greet event at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli. Alex’s sister, Faye Dalton, encouraged a recently divorced client of hers named Carolyn Young, to attend the same event to meet her brother. I remember that night. Carolyn and Alex seemed enamored with each other. He walked her to her car. They’ve been a couple ever since. Ah, senior dating that has been successful.

This past Saturday, with many members of Alex’s big Greek family and members of Carolyn’s family in attendance, Alex and Carolyn were married in the backyard of Faye and Doug Dalton’s San Clemente home. Mark Rentziperis, Alex’s brother, was the best man.

You know it’s a Greek wedding when there are six bottles of Greek salad dressing on the kitchen counter (photo by Tom Blake)

Tom, Carolyn (the bride), Greta, Alex (the groom who said he would never remarry)
(photo by Tom Blake)
Christine DiGiacomo, a San Clemente resident, whose business card reads “Pastor Woman…for such a time as this,” ( http://www.pastorwoman.com), married Alex and Carolyn. Christine and Carolyn have known each other for years. I heard many of the guests compliment Christine on the beautiful, unique ceremony she performed. Christine is a non-denominational minister.

She began the ceremony by reading from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, which is also referred to as “Turn, Turn, Turn.” That seemed to resonate with the guests, who ranged in age from young flower girls to older dudes like me, perhaps because of the “Turn! Turn! Turn! (To everything there is a season) song written by Pete Seeger and made popular by the Byrds, in 1965. The song’s words are almost identical to the biblical words.

To conclude the ceremony, Pastor DiGiacomo added an unusual touch: Instead of the traditional “You may kiss the bride,” she turned to her friend Carolyn and said, “You may kiss your new husband.” Very cool.

My partner Greta said, “This is the finest wedding I’ve ever attended.”

Carolyn and Alex after ceremony

Alex still owns and works at the Sports Barber. Carolyn works at a local bank. They live in Dana Point. Good to see an age 55-plus wedding so hip and fun, and yet with so many millennials in attendance.

Goes to show. Even though you’re over age 55, you never know when or where love might come along; it might even happen at a singles function at your local deli.

Link to Turn, Turn, Turn by the Byrds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKP4cfU28vM

Two single 70-year-old men age with different views about meeting women

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 20, 2018

Welcome to new Champs who joined our group this week. Dating, socializing, interacting and experiencing life from age 50 into our 90s is filled with challenges. That’s what we tackle each week.

Once again, you Champs overwhelmed me with intelligent and interesting comments based on last week’s request for thoughts from single men age 70. The topic: why it’s hard to meet available guys. I selected two responses from men for this week’s article and will use the other responses in future articles.

Two men with vastly different views about meeting women

1. Roger, a never married man, takes issue with me

Even though Roger is not one of our Champs, a woman friend of his is a Champ. She gave him a copy of last week’s article. I appreciate that he took the time to contact me. He is among the single 70-year-old men.

Roger emailed, “Your article was passed along to me by my friend Jane, who is a subscriber (Champ). I must take exception to the conclusions that you drew from such a very limited sample (three men).

Is it fair, or even correct, to generalize about an entire population of age 70+ men from the three people who you detailed in your article? I think not.

I am a single 70-year-old man who is finding it difficult to meet a woman with whom I can have a romantic relationship. I am good looking (voted ‘best looking’ in high school), well-educated (a doctor), in great shape (I hike and mountain bike every weekend, and exercise on the other days), spiritual (meditate twice/day), lead a healthy lifestyle, and am financially secure. So, you would think I should be fighting the women off, correct? Not so.

I do meet women who are interested in me, however, many of them are out of shape (someone on the internet described herself as having a ‘few extra pounds,’ when in fact she was 5’4″ and weighed 185! That’s not ‘a few extra pounds’, that’s obese!

OK, that’s an extreme example. However, I do expect a woman to be in shape, slender, compassionate, and leading a healthy lifestyle. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

I recently met a 60-year-old woman at a speed-dating event. Following up with her, we had a lively one-hour + phone conversation. I was looking forward to meeting with her again, and yet a couple of days later she texted me, thanking me for the conversation but telling me that ‘we were at different places in our lives,’ and she didn’t want to pursue the relationship.

It was not difficult to read between the lines and see that she felt a single 70-year-old man was out of her ‘preferred age range.’ A shame. When I was 43, my girlfriend was 24, a 19-year age difference. Certainly a 19-year age difference when both parties are younger is more significant than a 10-year age difference when both parties are older. Go figure.

One other possibility for my having difficulty meeting the right one is that I have never been married. (I’ve had long relationships, the last one was 14 years).

However, I get the feeling that women see my having never been married as somehow an indication of an ‘inability to commit.’ I find this laughable, since in almost every case the woman has been divorced, which means she in fact herself did not commit, or she would still be married. Unless of course she was abused, married to a drug addict, or to someone who was incarcerated,

So, I wanted to give you the male point-of-view. Your article seemed to imply that it was the men who were too picky (wouldn’t date someone who lived more than five miles away, wouldn’t date an Asian, etc). I find quite the opposite to be true; I find the women to be too picky.

Are men too picky? Are women too picky? It’s so hard to decide which ball to choose. All are new and shiny, but the autographs are different

If I am rejected because I am ‘too old,’ even though physiologically I test at the age of 51, or commitment-phobic, even though I have been in relationships that lasted longer than many marriages, then I don’t think it is my being too picky.”

Tom’s comment: I suspect women will form their own opinions regarding Roger’s comments. I found them, well…interesting.

Just a few items for Roger’s information: I was not generalizing about the entire population of over-70 aged men. I merely gave an example of what three men think. Just as I am doing today, but, it’s how two men think.

Also, he assumed the woman he met speed dating felt there was too much of an age difference—10 years—between them when she had told him, “they were at different places in their lives.” My opinion: it could have been reasons other than just the age gap. She may have been just being kind, or, she just wasn’t that into him.

And then Roger’s inability-to-commit assumption could have been something else as well.

2. Bob H.

Bob emailed, “I agree with your observations on why single 70-year-old men age 70 and older are hard to find – but we are still out there. I live in the San Diego, CA, area and volunteer, go to church functions, and work part-time, but still haven’t met the right woman. I would love to meet a similarly aged lady in the SD area who shares my interest in science and in getting out and doing things.

Your advice to be socially active to meet new people is right on – especially going to activities that relate to one’s areas of interest. Anyway, keep encouraging Champs to get out there.

Please send me email addresses of women in my area who think we might have something in common. I know you are not a dating service, but I really want to encourage 70+ women to be active and keep looking – we single men exist!

Tom’s comment: For women living in the San Diego area, if you’d like to communicate with Bob, email me and I will pass your email on to him.

As I said earlier, I will try to include the other responses from last week’s article in future newsletters. In the meantime, keep those observations coming.

Meeting single 70-year-old men is so difficult

Why meeting eligible men age 70-plus is so difficult. Senior romance (or lack thereof)

Many of you have asked why women Champs are so much more active and visible in this e-Newsletter than male Champs.

The most obvious answer is simple: At age 70, there are approximately three to four times more single women than men in the USA. And our newsletter subscriber list reflects that. Without doing an actual count, I predict that 75% of our Champs are women.

That’s not to say that we don’t have some great male Champs who often contribute. Guys like Art in Florida, Sid in Florida, Jon in Olympia, Washington, Carm in Mexico, Ken and Les in Orange County, Calif., and Mark in Palm Springs to name a few right off the top of my head. Art, Jon and Carm each have a significant other and are already taken.

And, by the way, Sid in Florida was just selected to be inducted into the DePauw University Athletic Hall of Fame for his swimming accomplishments in the 1960s. Way to go Champ.

Finding a match for single 70-year-old men isn’t easy – the sagas of Mr. Nope and Harry Shoe

Why don’t I try to fix up single male Champs with our women Champs? After all, we’ve got an estimated 300 single men 65+ on our mailing list. But, I’m not a match maker, it’s generally a no-win endeavor. Let me give you a couple of examples why.

One guy in Orange County, California, where I live–I will call him Mr. Nope–contacted me a year ago. He wanted to meet in person to talk about me fiximg him up with single women.

When we met, he explained that the women had to live within five miles of his home. When I suggested that he should expand his geographical reach—that it would improve his chances of meeting a nice woman–he said, “Nope, I don’t want to drive that far.”

Then, I told him that my partner Greta and I had met an attractive, outgoing and friendly Asian woman, who lived in his city, whom he might really enjoy, he said, “Nope, I’m not attracted to Asian or Hispanic women.”

I looked at him in disbelief and thought to myself, in California? You must be kidding. How closed-minded is that? And speaking of missed opportunities.

“I can’t help you,” I said to Mr. Nope. And that is the one and only time I met him.

In another case, I introduced, by email, a man (I will call him Harry Shoe) and a woman who live not too far from each other in the same Eastern state. He had contacted me. He was a new widower and was hoping to make a connection with a nice woman. They met and started dating.

She wrote me a few months later: “Just an update on Harry Shoe and myself. After six months of his juggling his work schedule, helping his deceased wife’s elderly in-laws, plus the memory of his wife, I had to let him go.

He was a sweet man but had not even stopped long enough to address his wife’s death. I was at his home twice and things were the same with his wife’s things still in the same spot. I had to move her purse on the kitchen table to have coffee, her clothes were in her bathroom, toothbrush still in its holder.

It was impossible to be even remotely romantic with her things around; he didn’t understand, so he never invited me back. I wished him well and moved on. I will probably never date a widower again–unless it’s been years, instead of months–since his spouse’s death.”

In both cases, nobody benefited from my match making. As I said, match making is pretty much a no-win endeavor.

Another reason why meeting senior single men is hard: some 70-year-old men just don’t want a relationship

Another guy (we’ll call him Amy’s man) said, “I adopted Amy, a rescue dog, eight months ago–three years into my search for a woman partner–and Amy’s here by my side every day to remind me I’m capable and deserving of love (even if I am a geezer!).

“Amy’s also a bit of a ‘chick magnet,’ but, so far, that hasn’t helped me attract the woman I’m looking for.”

Amy the chick magnet being unladylike in Rotterdam in 2012 (photo by Greta)

I wrote Amy’s man and asked if I could include his comments, and the picture he had sent of him walking Amy, in the newsletter. Not as a personal ad, but just as a human-interest story of a single man in his 70s, who would make a pleasant mate.

I even offered to include his email address in the newsletter so women could readily email him.

Here was the response from Amy’s man: “I’ve shied away from any involvement or prospects of women living more than 25 miles from my home. My position’s not as limiting as it might appear, with a major metropolitan area (Washington, D.C.) within the radius.

Candidly, I’d have to say my continued solo existence is due as much to lofty expectations as it is to a lack of opportunity. Thus, remaining the hard head I’ve been for 70-plus years, I think I’ve gotta decline your kind offer.

I am writing this to you today while thinking about Amy, as she stared devotedly into my eyes from beside me on the bed this morning, when I looked up from the newspaper.”

His comments give us an idea of how one single man thinks about putting himself out there. I couldn’t do anything about his “lofty expectations,” but I could have done something about his “lack of opportunity.” After three years of him searching for the right woman, I thought he’d be game.

But, he’s not interested and that is that. His position is similar to so many other men I know. They say they’d like to meet a nice mate, but when it comes down to it, do they really mean it? Would they be willing to make a commitment? No wonder meeting a 70-year-old guy (or older) is so difficult.

Deep down inside, instead of a nice woman, they’d rather have rover instead.

Just curious. Do any of our age 70+ single men have anything to add? Would love to hear it.

Overcoming senior loneliness

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 6, 2018

The key to overcoming single senior loneliness and the blues

At the end of last week’s newsletter, I asked Champs for their opinions on senior loneliness, and what can be done to lessen it.

As I read the comments, I realized that many of the suggestions for overcoming loneliness were almost identical to tips we’ve stated before regarding how to improve one’s chances for meeting a potential mate.

Here are a few of the valuable suggestions from last week:

Thyrza, California, said, “I think loneliness happens to any age, gender or what have you in life. I was very lonely when my parents moved me with them away from my friends.

“I felt a touch of loneliness when I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom. Now at my age, a widow living alone, loneliness still creeps in. It does not bother me as much as when I was younger with my responsibilities as mom and wife.

“Loneliness affects everyone, but I learned that freedom to do what I want with my life released me from that feeling. I know it will always be part of one’s life but the freedom to act to get out of the loneliness rut is to be embraced. Embrace loneliness and know when to release the feeling. It is just a feeling anyway.”

Jackie, Tampa, Florida, emailed, “Loneliness is the biggest challenge for me as a single. I don’t mind eating out or traveling alone, but sometimes it would be nice to have a companion to share the experiences with.

“I don’t have many female friends who are financially able to travel or go out much. And I’m not a spendthrift, but I would enjoy spur-of-the moment road trips or dinner and a movie with a friend. Before I die, I would love to be in a mutually loving, supportive, and respected relationship.

Esther, Brooklyn, New York, “As a single woman, retired teacher, with no children and little family, I understand how loneliness can be a destructive force if not well addressed. To avoid loneliness, there are several things I do:

-Maintain contact with a small group of close friends with whom I share birthdays, holidays and life events

-Volunteer at the local library, museum and Botanical Garden

-Work as a private English tutor three days a week

-Interact with people of all ages with various needs. My local college offers a broad lifelong learning program with varied courses, travel opportunities and cultural events. I am an active participant

“Never miss a regularly scheduled appointment whether it be a dental, medical or beauty appointment

“Living in New York City, I am able to attend many, diverse cultural and social events. The Harbor Fitness, a state-of-the-arts gym near me, offers a fabulous ‘silver sneakers’ program for people over 55. I work out and socialize regularly.

“Through the internet, I keep in contact with old friends and relatives who live far away. Mainly, I do not feel alone. I am busy, significant and connected!”

Jon, Olympia, Washington, “The reason loneliness can be such a problem is we are ingrained with the philosophy that we must have another person in our lives to be ‘whole.’ Obviously, this is not the universal answer, citing the number of people in miserable marriages and a high divorce rate.

“Doing things in which a person finds fulfillment–not solely to be busy and taking up time–can reduce the feeling that they need an intimate relationship with another person. A few close friends can help make up the difference.”

JoAnn, “Get a dog. Best friend, a laugh and cuddle a day!”

Jack of All Trades, “On LONELINESS as a health issue: I’m glad the surgeon general has declared loneliness as an epidemic. If all goes well, this will lead to more programs for companionship and enjoyment for older people. On the other hand, it might backfire in some way—causing problems for the lonely. Better awareness of old-age loneliness ought to be a good thing.

“(But probably nothing will alleviate the problem of adult children more interested in ‘their’ money than in their parents’ happiness.)”

Bonnie, California, wrote, “I have great compassion for those experiencing loneliness; It is debilitating.

“I have been able to mostly escape that condition because I am an only child. Without playmates under my roof during my growing-up years, I had to invent my own fun. Creativity, reading, and writing were my friends.

“Now, at 64, and a single, empty-nester mom, those are also my adult enjoyments. I work full-time as a designer and read and write at every opportunity. I also love to travel solo, because my interests are specific, and I like to be able to pace myself and my energy as I go. For that reason, I avoid travel tours.”

“However, if I was seeking companionship, I would reach out to the cultural community and volunteer as a docent. Or at an animal shelter and offer two times a week to give love to the yet-to-be adopted pets.

“Or, save for a river cruise on the Seine. Always, always have something to look forward to. Open your home to a once-a-month pot luck dinner. Drive for Meals on Wheels. (My 96-old uncle still drives and serves others!) Give time at your house of worship.

“Take a free class at a local college. Your calendar will be bursting at the seams with interesting tasks and interesting people and new ideas. And others will be blessed by your contributions.”

Tom’s comment:

There is one key that ties these pieces—overcoming loneliness, combating boredom, and improving one’s chances of meeting a potential mate–together. I wrote about the key in the final eNewsletter of 2017, which was titled, “The five things I’ve learned in three years of retirement.”

That key: seniors must have senior social interaction with people. That is the most important thing I’ve learned in retirement.

Senior social interaction–absolutely essential for seniors

That December, 2017, newsletter included these three paragraphs:

“If retired people let socializing with others slip away–they might be sitting around the house or watching too much mindless TV, for example–their retirement will become boring, lonely and meaningless. To be too isolated is not good for one’s health.

“A good way to interact with people is by joining groups. Meetup.com lists thousands of groups and activities and should provide plenty of ideas for people not sure what to do to meet others.

“And one last thing about senior social interaction after retirement. Try to mix social interaction with younger people into your life—kids, grand kids, great grand kids, for example, or friends younger than yourself can keep you thinking young. That’s very important.”

Years ago, a woman said to me, “I’ve been married and unhappy, and single and unhappy. Being single and unhappy is better, in that I can more readily do something about it by getting out of the house and involved in activities I enjoy. I can interact with and meet new people. Whereas, being married and unhappy, isn’t something you can change overnight. Social interaction is more difficult. Divorce takes its toll in time, stress and money.”

So, if you are feeling lonely, get out there and make social interaction a high priority.

Note from Tom Blake

Similar articles to the one above by Tom Blake appeared in these three newspapers

Dana Point Times Newspaper April 13, 2018

San Clemente Times Newspaper April 12, 2018

The Capistrano Dispatch Newspaper April 13, 2018

Geographical diversity of our Champs

The comments I received in response to last week’s eNewsletter reflect the diversity of the our Champs

An invitation from Alaska

Champ Bobbi emailed, “Greetings from Alaska. I have been a recipient of your candid newsletter for some time, and thought, “Why not write you with the offer to you and your Champs for me to be a free guide on the Kenai Peninsula this summer! I have lived here for 11 years, formerly from Minnesota.

“I work fulltime, a divorcee of numerous years, age 64, with a bounce in my step and a zest for ‘showing off’ the Peninsula, as I truly enjoy the area, minus the higher cost of living.

“Summers on the Kenai Peninsula tend to be gorgeous with temps ranging from the 50’s up to 80’s, with low humidity. Each summer season being unique of course, with no guarantees as it can be with lots of sunny days intermixed with rain, or more rain than we’d prefer.

“The sayings here are: ‘Drive five miles and the weather might change,’ and, ‘wear clothing layers as in five minutes, the temperature might change.’

“From where I live, three hours south of Anchorage, there are gorgeous mountain views of Mt. Redoubt, Illiama and Spur.

Skagway, Alaska sign: Which way is Anchorage?

“It would be enjoyable meeting others visiting my area in Alaska, offering suggestions for sightseeing, even being included possibly for an excursion, offering encouragement as we go forward on our life journeys.

“Share my email address as spring has sprung, the snow is slowly melting, and the leaves will be budding in April.”

Bobbi’s email address: b.jed@hotmail.com

Responses to last week’s “Senior Romance on the back of a Harley” newsletter

Nancy, North Carolina, “I too get quite a few responses from men online who proudly show off pics of their bike. I have stated in my profile ‘no bikers,’ perhaps I should change that to ‘no motorcycles,’ as many motorcycle riders, don’t consider themselves ‘bikers.’

“It’s not that I don’t have an open mind about them as a person, it’s just that I do not like motorcycles, will never ride on them, and find them dangerous. So, (with me) motorcycle people would never have someone to go on rides with. I try to keep an open mind, but there are a couple of things that I will not accept. One is smokers; the other is I will not ride on a motorcycle.”

Champ Terry and his wife, Daeng, Thailand, “Harley Davidson Company is moving their factory from the USA to Rayong, Thailand. That is only a few miles from where we are presently on holiday.

“There is a huge market for high-end motorbikes in this part of the world. Triumph moved here from England, also. They are doing very well.

“Presently, we are in the holy city of Pattaya, Thailand, on holiday. We are here for the sun, sand and food. Here is a song and video about Pattaya:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E83tKz0ANk

(Comment from Tom: I enjoyed watching the video about Pattaya)

On senior singles opening their minds to meeting a variety of people

Inez, Virgina, emailed, “Cast your net very wide–and find true love. In 1991, I left my office job to go back to school for a year of intense training in the operating room of a local hospital. Divorced for eight years and raising a ‘tween,’ my vision of the right man for me to meet, date and perhaps marry, was quite fixed on a white-collar professional type.

“I enjoyed a successful dating and social life, but no sparks. A friend fixed me up on a blind date with her former husband’s best friend, a country boy by birth, machinist by profession. I accepted the date as a favor to my friend and met this man on a Saturday night in April,1991.

“We were together for 19 wonderful years (married for 15) until his death in May of 2010. We had a glorious relationship, much to my surprise initially. He was loving, smart, funny, handsome and kind beyond anything my heart had ever experienced.

“So, take a chance! I shudder when I remember how I tried to create a lame excuse to back out of that date. He gave me a life experience and a shared relationship that most women pray for!”

Our Champs Chris and Tina were featured in the March 22, New York Times article, “When Your Parents Remarry, Everyone Is Happy, Right?” which included, not one, but two photos of them.

Here is the link to the very interesting article:
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/22/your-money/parents-remarry-inheritance-children.html

Seeking input for next week’s eNewsletter: Single senior loneliness

I read an article in a major United States newspaper about how loneliness can increase the possibility of heart disease, stroke and can even accelerate Alzheimer’s Disease. It might be as bad on health as smoking.

The article mentioned that about 30 percent of people older than 65 live alone and by 85 that percentage exceeds 50 percent. The article stated that the Surgeon General of the United States is declaring loneliness a public health epidemic.

What is your opinion regarding this senior single loneliness issue for people in our age range and what can be about it?

Senior love on the back of a Harley

Senior Romance on the back of a Harley. Why not?

In a November, 2007, Finding Love after 50 newsletter, I included a quote from a woman who lived in San Luis Obispo, California. She emailed, “I have been on Match.com off and on for several years, but I am not attracting the type of person I want. Twenty-five percent of the responses are from bikers, so I must have something in my profile that attracts them.”

In the same newsletter, I responded to her: “You are likely attracting bikers because they like to drive there and would enjoy having someone to party with while ‘in town.’ For some reason, I picture those two buffoons in the movie Sideways, which was filmed near there.”

A Champ, (before you were called Champs) Patricia, was disappointed in my response to that woman: “I live in San Luis Obispo County (Paso Robles) and I actually live in the town where they filmed a lot of Sideways. Many ‘bikers’ live and work in the area and aren’t just passing through to party with someone.

“I was also on Match, Yahoo, eHarmony and other sites, had quite a few dates and a couple of short-term relationships over a five-year period.

“Two years ago, when I was 52, I read a profile of a man, 53, whose road name is Cowboy, that said: ‘Don’t let the biker thing scare you off. We are not a bad group; you might want to meet me before you make a judgment. A lot of us are real nice men.”

Turns out, Patricia had a first date with biker Cowboy for coffee. A couple of days later, they had a second date: “We went for a motorcycle ride down to Morro Bay on Saturday, he bought me two dozen roses on Sunday and we have been together ever since,” Patricia said. Now that is a nice way to begin senior dating in a relationship.

In 2009, when How 50 Couples Found Love after 50 was published, Patricia’s and Cowboy’s story was included (Chapter 12, Love on the Back of a Harley). At the end of each chapter, there is a brief Lessons Learned section. One of the lessons from their story was: “When searching for a mate later in life, expand your horizons, your reach, and, even your thinking. Open your mind to new adventures and new activities.”

This week, Patricia sent an update on their relationship: “My husband, ‘Cowboy,’ and I are still together after 12 years (married for over 10 years).

“Life is good and older singles should not give up on finding that someone special. My advice: Broaden your mind and consider the unexpected. I never expected to be some biker’s “Old Lady”, but I’ve never been happier and more in love.

“We both still work at a military installation and are starting to think about and plan our retirement together. We are taking a 10-day cruise to Alaska in September. This has been on my ‘bucket list’ for years so I’m very excited!

“Here are photos from when we first met, and from now, just for fun.

Patricia and Cowboy – 2005

Patricia and Cowboy – 2017
As a coincidence, along the same line, Champ Stella recently emailed, “A good man is hard to find, and so, apparently is a good woman. The few gems out there are quickly snapped up. So, always cast your net into the waters for you never know when there will be fish.”

Older singles can improve their chances of meeting a potential mate by jettisoning old stereotypes and beliefs, which can mean being open to people of different religious beliefs, ethnicities, income levels and family situations. I am in no way suggesting that people settle for less than they desire.

As Patricia discovered, if a nice biker man enters your life, give him a chance, you never know where you might end up, it could be on the back of a Harley holding two dozen roses.

Note from Tom: My book, “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50,” is about senior dating, senior romance and senior love of 58 couples. The book was to have 50 couples featured. But, just before it was printed, eight fun and wonderful senior love stories were sent to me. So, I included them as a bonus.

For seniors wondering how to meet a mate, this book has 58 suggestions.

The book is available on Amazon, in hard cover or ebook format:

Link to How 50 Couples Found Love After 50

Tom Blake's "How 50 Couples Found Love After 50" — 58 stories of senior dating and senior romance. How seniors over age 50 found love

Retirement: Dana Point Police Chief Russ Chilton retires.

Photo above: Tom Blake and Retired Police Chief Russ Chilton at Coffee Importers in Dana Point March 16, 2018

Tom Blake Picket Fence Media column for March 21 – 28, 2018

Retirement: Farewell to Dana Point Police Chief Russ Chilton and welcome to our new Dana Point Police Chief Lt. Margie Sheehan

I attended the Dana Point Civic Association’s coffee chat at the Coffee Importers in the harbor last Friday morning for a special reason. I wanted to say goodbye and thank you to our outgoing Chief of Police Services, Russ Chilton, who officially retired the day before, March 15, 2018.

For the first time that I can recall, Russ was not wearing a uniform, a badge or a sidearm. He was relaxed and dressed casually. His mission that day was to say a few farewell words to the estimated 60 or so people in attendance, and to introduce our new Dana Point Chief of Police Services, Lt. Margie Sheehan.

It was important for me to be there. Russ was in law enforcement for 33 years, the last 18 years of which he served the community of Dana Point. I’ve known him for almost nearly all those 18 years.

Often, Russ, and his fellow deputies, would stop in for a sandwich at Tutor and Spunky’s, the Dana Point deli I founded and operated for 25 years. My employees and I were always proud to have them there. I often wondered, how could police officers, who have one of the most difficult jobs in the world, be so considerate and pleasant? That was always how Chief Russ and his deputies carried themselves at the deli.

Four years ago, when I was pondering retirement and thinking of selling the deli, I chatted with Russ about it. He encouraged me to retire; he said, “Twenty-five years in food service is enough for any one. I know how hard it is; my wife Janice owned J.C. Beans Coffee House since 1993 and is now loving retirement.”

At the coffee chat, I talked to Russ before he spoke. I asked the silly question that people often ask someone who is retiring, “What are you going to do in retirement?”

With a smile, Russ said, “First, get reacquainted with my wife.”

After some kind words about the city of Dana Point, Russ introduced our new police chief, Lt. Sheehan. Russ said, “What pleases me most about Lt. Sheehan is we’ve found the right person for the job. She and I have worked together for two weeks in the transition and I am very impressed with her.”

And then, in typical Russ Chilton character, he added with a smile, “Before I hand over the microphone to Margie, I want to request that your questions for her be ‘softball’ questions. No ‘difficult’ questions. Remember, she has only been here two weeks.”

It didn’t take long for those in attendance to realize that Dana Point has the right person for the job. Before joining law enforcement, Lt. Sheehan served in the Marine Corps for four years. She’s personable, funny and tough. She mentioned that in Dana Point, of the 44 employees in the police department, 34 are deputies.

In speaking of her two weeks of working with Russ, she said, “I have never seen a more-loved person than Russ Chilton.”

She felt one of her biggest challenges will be dealing with the homeless issue. In answering questions, she demonstrated her impressive knowledge of all the challenges she faces.

At the end of the meeting, Russ said to the crowd, “So much for ‘softball’ questions. Wow, you fired a lot of ‘tough’ questions at our new police chief.”

She handled the questions just fine.

It was a nice send off for our newly retired Chief of Police, Russ Chilton, and a warm welcome for our incoming Chief of Police, Margie Sheehan.

Has senior dating changed in 17 years?

Has senior dating changed in 17 years?

On March 10, 2018, a rainy Saturday morning in Dana Point, California, I decided to go through some old files in my office. I am trying to determine whether to pursue a writing project I’ve pondered for three years, since I sold Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point deli, and retired. More than three years later, the deli is still operating nicely, under the direction of the owner Jim, and his brother Shaun. Four of my long-term employees are still there.

I kept rough notes during the 25 years of operating the deli, and I’ve considered writing a history of Tutor and Spunky’s, tied in with the events that happened in South Orange County, California, and things that happened to me personally, during that time frame. To organize my material, I put each year, 1988 to 2015, into a separate folder.

When I reviewed the 2000 folder, I came across a letter dated December 20 of that year. The letter isn’t deli-related; it’s senior dating and relationship related.

In 2000, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register, writing a column called “Single Again.” The letter I found was written by a widower named Lawrence. As I read it, I started thinking that things may not have changed much in senior dating in 17 years. I share Lawrence’s letter of December 20, 2000, with you today, in March, 2018.

Lawrence wrote: “Dear Mr. Blake: A few comments from a man. Thank you for your interesting column.

“I am 75-years-young, lost my wife just over a year ago after 49 years of a happy marriage. In your recent column, one lady you quoted complained that men are focused on their dead wives. Of course, we can be, after 49 years, she was my soulmate, sweetheart, friend, lover, and an earth angel. A kind, wonderful, compassionate soul whom I miss very much.

“She told me before she passed away not to mope and grieve over her (easier said than done). I was never one to go to doctors, but I went three times in seven months this year. Through grieving, I just kept getting sick.

“She also told me to find a nice, compatible lady and maybe remarry to enjoy my last years and to not feel guilty about it.

“In the past months, I’ve been to senior centers and met many ladies and have found, to my chagrin, alack and alas, all the ones I’ve been attracted to are married – it seems all the senior nice girls are happily married – that’s why they are so nice. The unattached ones seem to have chips on their shoulders, or other emotional problems.

“Widower dating isn’t easy.”

Link to Tom’s ebook: Widower Dating. Gold Mine or Mine Field?

“Talking with other men, I found the men complain that there are not too many good, unattached ladies out there, that they either smoke, drink, lie a lot, a few are on drugs, and I have come to the conclusion—after hearing a lot of horror stories—that the only way to go is to find (if I can and it’s not easy) a compatible lady who is in the same situation as me, who lost a good hubby after many years of a happy marriage, and is looking for a good reliable man.

“Are there any such ladies out there? I’m ready to get acquainted. The legal beagles strongly advise, in such situations, if homes are paid for, pre-marriage agreements are a must, to protect family and grandchildren, and if one partner demurs and says no—don’t walk away–run!

“Any comments?”

Tom’s take

I wondered what happened to him. The letter listed his address and phone number. I entered that information online and the results indicated he was still at the same location, same phone number, and is now 92. I called the number.

A woman, who sounded to be much younger than 92, answered the phone. It could have been his daughter. I explained that I am a newspaper columnist in Orange County, that I had a letter he had written in 2000, and asked if Lawrence was still doing okay and if he had met a compatible woman. She said, “Lawrence never remarried. He’s hard of hearing. Do you want to talk to him?”

I could hear her in the background trying to explain to him that I was a newspaper columnist in Orange County. I could tell he was confused.

Lawrence got on the phone. He explained he couldn’t hear very well so I tried to talk loud and slowly. There was static on the line; perhaps, caused by his hearing aid. He asked if I could write him a letter instead, which I did. Mailed it last Saturday.

I will let you know if I hear anything back.

I’m curious. Do widowers, or widows, in 2018, feel the same way about single members of the opposite sex, as Lawrence did in 2000?

Update, March 31, 2018: I did not get a letter back from Lawrence, so I guess I will not know how things worked out for him.

Seniors living together and finances

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 9, 2018

Senior Cohabitation: Living together and finances

The two most recent columns—regarding Sally’s man-friend wanting to move in, and the 35 responses by Champs to Sally’s situation–brought to light issues senior couples should consider when it comes to finances and living together.

Kathy emailed, “I’ve been remarried to my X-husband for three years. Concerning money: Having our money completely separated except for one household account that we both put money into each month has changed everything. We still buy things for each other but when I buy clothes or other non-essential items, I have no guilt and neither of us can blame the other for spending all the money.

“It has changed my life, I make at least twice as much as my husband and at the end of our marriage last time, he had me believing that I spent all the money, that he had nothing because of me and, I would never make it without him. I was very relieved to find that I had plenty of money to live on and share with others without any of his contribution.

“He found he could not make it on his income and had to start working again, which is good for both of us. Always learning.”

Lisa said, “I have been where Sally is now (a man-friend wanting to move-in), and made the foolish decision to have my younger lover move in.

“It was great for a while, but since the house wasn’t his and he wasn’t used to the additional responsibilities of maintenance, it caused friction in the relationship. There was, of course, more than that which let down the relationship.

“I just turned 70, am still working, and am a homeowner with a mortgage. I am planning to sell my Burbank (California) home and move to Arizona where I can buy something nice for cash with the equity I have built.

“I will hopefully find new friends and some sort of relationship there.”

Senior Cohabitation: So you want to move in with me here on my yacht? You’ll have to pay $83.00 a month rent. And, you’ll have to take out the trash and walk the dog.
(Photo by Tom taken in Istanbul in January, 2004)

Mary Lou, “My cousin allowed a financially insecure man into her life after her husband of 30 years died, leaving her very well off financially. This new man convinced her to marry him, ran through her money, and left her with a mountain of debt, which she is still dealing with.

“My cousin had her reasons for wanting to be married that were a bit unique: She was raising two of her grown daughter’s children alone, as her daughter was an addict and on the streets.

“The new man pretended to be a family man wanting to help raise the kids. There were red flags up the ying yang – my cousin’s sister even ran a check on the guy and his bankruptcies came up.

“My cousin’s reaction when her sister told her this? She still isn’t speaking to the sister all these years later, even though the warning was spot on.

“Today my cousin at the age of 72 has one of the grandkids still at home – the boy is 14 and my cousin is a fabulous mom to him. But she is broke, living in a small apartment, and still having to work.

“And the guy she married? They divorced when my cousin’s money ran out, and the guy is living back east and married to another financially well-off woman.

“I am so skeptical of a guy less financially well off who is the one wanting to move in with the financially secure woman. Of course, he does! He’ll have it made. I predict if he moves in, the next thing that will happen is he will get ‘sick’ or have a ‘disability,’ stop working, collect Social Security disability, and she will be stuck with him.

“She has nothing to gain financially by him moving in, and he has everything to gain. I vote NO!”

Gordon, “Sally seemed to be very concerned about financial stability and SHE SHOULD! At her age, financials are more important than ever. She says she has more than he has; if he moved in with her, it would be a windfall for him in that he no longer has a housing cost.”

Tom’s thoughts: Not discounting what has been stated above, let me say that not all live-together relationships have to be financial disasters. In fact, living together can be financially beneficial to both parties.

When couples share expenses, such as groceries, utilities, and other household expenses, including rent or mortgage payments, in a way that is agreed upon ahead of time and fair to both, the financial benefits can be significant. Please note, I am not advocating mixing finances, just sharing expenses.

Let’s say, by sharing, each person benefits by $600 per month or $7,200 a year. And they stay together for 10 years. That would benefit each by $72,000. That amount could be helpful in the retirement years. Or, what if they are together for 20 years, the amount could reach $144,000 each. Of course, if the monthly savings is greater than $600, the numbers will be even larger.

I don’t think the primary motivation for moving-in together should be financial benefit. But if the other important reasons are already present, such as loving each other, and wanting to be together every day, then the financial pluses are the frosting on the cake.

Again, I strongly advocate both people keeping their finances separate. They can do that and still share expenses and chores. Senior cohabitation has its challenges, but when done carefully, it can work.

More on senior cohabitation, finances and moving-in together. A March 10, 2018, response from a reader:

Allen: “I read your response to Sally regarding letting her 56-year-old male friend move in with her, I’m assuming that it was his suggestion to move in to her paid for house.

She mentioned that he had also lived with one or more other women. Sally is a well-educated retired school teacher, what level of education does her male friend have, does he own a home or has he always rented?

“Sally also mentioned that her friend has two sisters and an 86-year-old mother, I would venture to say that he is probably a ‘mommy’s boy’ and that he wants women to take care of him.

“I’m 83, a married male of 49 years with one grown son. I’m nine years older than my wife, which is normal; it is not normal for a male 56 to be dating a woman age 69, he wants what she has worked hard for. I know this guy, not this particular individual, but I know his type.

“Sally, my advise is to RUN, don’t Walk away from this guy, because if you don’t I’m afraid that you are setting your self up for a lot of heart ache. Check out his credit history, how much does he earn, does he have a retirement that equals your teacher’s retirement, does he owe money on credit cards?

“Sally, I don’t know you but I’ve seen other women hurt by his type, so do yourself a favor and find someone else, he’s out there.”

Tom Blake <tompblake@gmail.com>

7:27 AM (35 minutes ago)

to Allen

Allen,

Thank you for writing. I will pass your advice on to her. You make some very valid points. Just curious, do you reside in South Orange County?

Interesting also that you know this type of guy. Also good point about his credit history and credit card balances.

Again, thank you Allen.

Senior romance at the Bargain Box Thrift Store in San Clemente, California

Tom Blake On Life and Love after 50 column Feb 22-March 1, 2018

Romance at the Bargain Box Thrift Shop in San Clemente

The Bargain Box Thrift Shop at 526 North El Camino Real in San Clemente is a wonderful place. It’s run by volunteers from the Assistance League of Capistrano Valley. All proceeds from sales there are put back into the local community.

The funds are used to provide new school clothing to families who need assistance in the Capistrano Unified School District. Also funded: New school clothing and toddler clothing giveaways at Camp Pendleton.

The Thrift Shop is the main source of income for the Assistance League of Capistrano Valley philanthropies.

Working at the Thrift Shop, volunteers Nancy Cormier and Donna ODonnell meet a lot of interesting people; they had no idea that their shop was also a place for senior romance. Until two weeks ago.

That is when a couple named Craig and Ilda Kendall came in to their Thrift Shop to do some serious shopping. Craig told Nancy and Donna, “The Bargain Box Thrift Shop has special meaning to us. That’s why we stop here whenever we are near San Clemente.”

The two women were curious, particularly because Craig and Ilda said they live in Calimesa, near Big Bear Lake, not exactly in the South County area. The women wanted to know more about this attractive couple.

Craig said, “Your Thrift Store was the perfect place for me to propose to Ilda. You see we both love antiques, nice clothes and jewelry. Our families both spent time on the beach in San Clemente when we were kids. We are amazed that San Clemente has retained its friendly, beach-town atmosphere.

“In 2010, when Ilda and I were here, it just hit me, and I asked her to marry me right in the shop.”

“Eight years ago?” Donna said, thinking Craig and Ilda probably married shortly after that.

Ilda said, “To celebrate our wedding, and to ‘pay it forward’ to others less fortunate than us, we stopped here today. As always, when here, the volunteers are so friendly and kind. It is obvious you love working here.”

“So, when did you tie the knot?” Donna asked.

“Three weeks ago,” Ilda replied.

Donna and Nancy were dumbfounded. They looked at each other and said this is a story for Tom Blake’s On Life and Love after 50 Column in the newspaper.

Craig gave Donna and Nancy their email address and telephone number, and then Nancy took a photo of them as they left the Thrift Shop.

Craig and Ilda Kendall at the Bargain Box Thrift Shop in San Clemente, California (photo courtesy of Nancy Cormier)

The two women sent me an email. My challenge was to contact Craig and Ilda, to gather a little more information and since my partner Greta and I were going to Palm Springs on Valentine’s Day for a week, time was of the essence.

As Greta and I were driving on Palm Canyon Drive into Palm Springs, my cell phone rang. It was Craig and Ilda. I explained where we were, and Craig said, “That is an amazing coincidence!”

He and Ilda were on their way to Palm Springs as well. We thought about meeting for dinner, but it was Valentine’s Day and the restaurants were already booked, and they’d be so busy it would be hard for us to hear their story in a crowded place.

Greta and I just happened to have some wine with us, and we ended up meeting Craig and Ilda at the Palm Springs Tennis Club where we were staying. We popped the corks and got to know them in person.

Craig is 72; Ilda is 67. They knew each other in 1962 when living in Riverside. It was apparent from the conversation that Craig had had a keen eye for Ilda since then, although both had married and gone their separate ways.

After Craig was divorced and Ilda was widowed, they reconnected on Match.com and had their first date at the Five Crowns Restaurant in Corona Del Mar in 2010. At that time, Craig lived in Running Springs and Ilda lived in Crestline, near Big Bear.

Greta and I could not believe that a senior romance that began at the Bargain Box Thrift Shop in San Clemente eight years before, led to a totally impromptu meeting with Craig and Ilda at the Palm Springs Tennis Club on Valentine’s Day, 2018.

Never give up on senior love; you just never know where or when it’s going to happen.