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Downsizing can be difficult

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 29, 2018

Downsizing can be difficult – A touching discovery

As people age, many try to downsize, rid their homes of clutter, and simplify their lives. Many do this task so their children, heirs, or beneficiaries won’t have to tackle it later. Some downsize for other reasons. For example, our Champ Pat, from Orange, California, wrote this week: “I am sorting, packing and staging my home to sell.”

Often, it’s not an easy task. Cleaning out one’s living spaces inevitably uncovers lots of memories. People say, “I can’t throw this or that away.” They stop and reflect on the past. Could be an old photo or letter or memories of camp or childhood friends.

That happened to Pat, who added: “In doing this, I found a handwritten note from my Mom as she went through the grieving process over my Dad’s death in 1994. I have typed it and saved it to my computer in case the handwritten pages get lost.”

Our Champ, Pat Buttress Orange, California

Pat shared her mom’s letter with me because years ago, when Pat hosted a city of Orange/Time-Warner cable TV program titled, “Orange View,” (which she did for 16 years), she interviewed me and had told me the story of her mom, RoseMary, who had been widowed, and how she subsequently found love again, with an old friend named Harry.

This week, when I read RoseMary’s 1994 letter, it choked me up. It made me reflect on my life. I decided to share portions of the letter with you today, as so many of our Champs will relate to RoseMary’s words.

At the end of the letter, Pat adds four short paragraphs of comments, which are significant for widowed people who find love again.

WARNING: This letter, written in 1994, is heart-wrenching. Have a tissue nearby.

Memories of a Cherished Loss
By RoseMary A. Buttress

January 31, 1994

“I’ve just returned from Sierra Vista Hospital where George died. At this moment, I’m in a daze, I followed the doctor into emergency and went in to say my final good-bye. I tried to kiss you one final time and tell you how much you’ve meant to me. You were a wonderful and devoted husband and father…always there with your happy, positive thoughts and your beautiful smile.

I can’t believe I’ll never hear your voice again. You looked so happy and peaceful I wanted to lay down beside you and go with you. Unfortunately, I cannot, but just as you always told me, I know you will always be with both Pat and me and sometime in the future we’ll all be together.

I hope you know how much I will always miss you and cherish all the time we had together. You gave me identity and worth, self-worth from my 18th birthday until now. However, I think I’m strong enough to go alone until we meet again. Vaya con Dios, My Love!

It is now after midnight and Audrey & Beth have left and Pat will come home tomorrow. But, what shall I do now…it is difficult to lay down in the bed and reach over for you and you are gone. I leave the lights on and hope I can go to sleep, I’m so tired. Finally, I call Unity 24-hour call-in line. They are so kind, warm and understanding. The call is helpful and finally about three o’clock I fall asleep.

February 1, 1994

Pat returned home to Morro Bay, and we talked and waited for Gloria to arrive. It was nice to remember the good times we all shared and yes, the tears were there as well as the laughter.

Together we went to the Mortuary to make the arrangements you and I had agreed upon. It’s so final, and I’m drained of all feeling. We are to pick up your ashes on Thursday. I still can’t believe you are gone, but I can’t wish you back with your illness.

Thank goodness you were able to retain your dignity and intelligence until you died. You and I had such communication together and knew from the beginning we were in love and belonged with each other. We could read each other’s minds even across the room.

We were two halves that made a whole. I was so proud to be your wife. You were and are the light of my life. We are soul mates and I know you are somewhere watching and waiting for me.

As I write this, I’m reminded of how often you and I tried to make the world a more colorful and happy place. We’ve had our share of problems, but we never tried to unload them on our friends. We’ve always felt that laughter and joy was the way to go. Thank you, Dear.

About a week later

It’s Friday and Pat and I are driving to her house for a while. It hasn’t been a week since you died, and I miss you so. I wake up with tears and try and remember your courage and love of life even with your pain of the last years.

I still see you every morning with your wonderful smile and laughing eyes. You were always so positive and cheerful, and everyone felt better just knowing you.

I don’t think you had an enemy in the world and the tributes and notes I’ve received are heartwarming. Of course, I knew you best and had the time of my life with you. You were my rock of Gibraltar and made the world a wonderful and loving place.

Several days and months later

It’s almost your birthday. Your 88^th! You and I were so hoping you could live through 2000 so we could be together for the turn of this century. It doesn’t seem fair to date anyone, I just want you with me, I’m so missing everything we shared, and we were lucky to have had it all. No one can replace you.

I have a clear picture of you and Pat chatting together on a bench in Solvang on my 70^th birthday. I wish I had taken a picture of you both. It was less than 3 weeks later when you died, and my tears are with me every day.

I am sure you are with Pat and me daily and I hope wherever you are, it is beautiful and wonderful. There must be golf to share and many of your friends with you. I still hear your laughter and your joy of golf…both are happy memories.”

Pat’s Comments:

“This was the last of what my Mom wrote. She did as she and Dad talked about before he died, she reached out to Harry Wagner, her Roller Skating Dance Competition partner from when she was in her teens.

She and Harry finally met at Pacific Grove in northern CA and in October 1994 they married with my blessings at the Elderberry Inn, outside of Yosemite. They were married for almost 11 years until Mom’s death May 2, 2005.

I knew Mom would never forget my Dad, I know she is with him now…but I was also very happy for her and Harry…to have each other as companions and to watch over each other in case of health issues.

I will never understand the resistance of adult children to have their parents remarry…the other parent is not coming back so I believe letting the living parent make a new life is what God expects of the remaining parent, and, of the children.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks to Pat for sharing her mom’s lovely letter. This story reminds us that remarriage can be wonderful for widowed people. Pat is a seasoned Public Affairs professional, who was most recently the north and north-central Orange County Public Affairs Region Manager for Southern California Edison (SCE). Her career includes 20 years as Governmental/Public Affairs Manager.

Pat is the Chair of the Orange Chamber of Commerce (membership 500+ businesses). To read more about this fascinating woman, her website is: http://www.PIBPublicAffairs.com

Senior online dating challenges

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 22, 2018

Today’s eNewsletter has 3 parts

Part 1 – Is Barb being too fussy in dating men?
Part 2 – Information on the Finding Love After 50 Facebook page
Part 3 – An upbeat, update from a West Texas Champ

Part 1 – Is Barb being too fussy in dating men?

I admit that I don’t spend much time viewing the Finding Love After 50 Facebook group posts. I prefer to let members do their thing and have discussions among each other. But I do monitor it from time to time. This Facebook group is a closed group, which means I approve of anyone who wants to join. In this way, I try to keep the riff-raff out of the membership.

As of Wednesday, there were 501 members. I do review the posts from time to time and remove some posts that I feel aren’t appropriate to our group. Occasionally, a member will post too many cutesy little signs or sayings as if the site were his or her own personal site, so I remove the posts. Such has been the case recently where a member posts something every day, which can be a big turnoff to others.

Sometimes, I will see a post that stimulates discussion among the members. That happened a few days ago when Barb stated that she was thinking of giving up on senior online dating. She based her comment on experiences she’s had with four men while senior online dating, which she shared. She asked if she was being too fussy.

Senior Online Dating Challenges

Barb wrote, “I have been off and on dating sites since I was 60 and now I’m 79. One man I met online was an hour and a half away, we dated two months.

He wanted me to move in with him. I was in the middle of moving in with him, when he found out his daughter was getting divorced. He decided it was not a good idea for me to move in, because he was going to remodel his house and have his daughter and her two daughters move into his house.

Plus, he didn’t like television so he wanted me to wear earphones when I had my television on. Well, that was the end of that relationship.

The second guy I met invited me out New Year’s Eve to a dance. He had a funny little step in his dance that was hard for me to catch onto. He kept telling me all night how well his ex-wife and he could dance together.

While walking me to my door, he put gum in his mouth, and in a minute, he said, “Oh my God, I just lost one of my teeth.” Well that was the end of that man. I just saw him recently, which was a year later, and the tooth is still missing.

The third guy I met seemed nice and we had fun together. My sister lived near me. When her husband was dying, I went to be with her the night her husband was passing and this guy got upset and told everybody I gave him up for my sister. So that was the end of him.

A couple of weeks ago, I met a fourth man online. We exchanged messages. He asked for my email address, so we could email instead of being on the dating site.

But I couldn’t get to know him as all he talked about was that he had lost his wife five years ago to cancer. He wanted to meet a woman who would make his house a home and be his special woman. He wanted me to forsake all others to be only with him.

I tried to talk about the future and what it would be like if we got together. It always went right back to the kind of woman he was looking for and how he wanted her to be his own and love only him.

So now, I’m giving up on trying to find someone. It’s too hard. I think I would rather go it alone. it seems like I can’t find anybody. I don’t know maybe I’m too fussy. What do you think?”

I share what some other members said in response to Barb’s post.

8 Facebook members’ responses to Barb’s Facebook post:

Joel said, “Dating and Mating is just plain hard, usually a long series of meeting people who don’t work out. That’s as good as it gets in my experience and it can lead to a constructive, loving relationship. Each person you meet is a learning experience about yourself and the others who are available.

The population of those still alone late in life contains a high percentage of dysfunction – that’s why we are alone.

It’s like shoes, you just keep trying until you get someone you like, that fits and is comfortable. You don’t quit just because you try on shoes that don’t fit.

I spent 12 years starting at age 54 rejecting and being rejected. I finally realized I had to change, and did, and have been in a wonderful relationship for 5+ years that gets better every day. I have a friend who found love at age 80.

Whenever I hear a story from someone who is discouraged, I suggest they look in the mirror because that’s where the solution is.

I love this part of the Serenity Prayer: May I have the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know which one that is.”

Cheryl: “With or without a man, isolating yourself and becoming a couch potato isn’t fulfilling unless you really enjoy that. I find there are enjoyable things to do every day that I want to do (plenty of activities at the community center; movies; classes; visiting people; taking walks on the boardwalk, etc.). At home I have stacks of good books to read, music, and my favorite tv shows. Being without a man isn’t a punishment – there’s still life all around us!”

Cheryl added: “It sounds like you need a dating coach to help you select a man of your caliber.”

Karla: “I’ve stopped looking. I wasted 7 years of my life with a man who turned out to be a pathological liar, a sex addict, a porn addict, and was bisexual. I never saw any of it…he was that good (at hiding the behavior). He died a year and a half ago. I cared for him, doing what a Visiting Angel would have done for $80/day. I don’t trust my instincts any more. Today, I’m venturing out to a luncheon with women. I have isolated myself and became a couch potato.”

Tricia: “Barb, my experiences are similar to yours: I have been trying to meet someone for 10 years – it’s been that long since my last long-term relationship ended. I took a part-time job last year – in addition to my full-time job at a local home improvement company – hoping to meet someone with no results.

I am active on a couple of volunteer boards, I have joined some groups. I feel as though the men I’ve met are just looking for sex and I am not going to just jump into bed with someone.

I’ve met a few widowers who are just looking for someone to ‘make them happy again’ – I’ve met an ex- convict, I’ve met a few who are not healthy, a lot who have no money and a lot who are looking for someplace to live.

I will be 60 at the end of this month. I am not sure there’s anyone out there for me but that’s ok – I have a good life and look forward to planning my retirement in the next couple of years.”

Phyllis: “I don’t know that I could ever move in with someone after knowing them for only 2 months– I might want to — but I know how bad my judgement (can be).”

Jeanie, “Keep on keeping on! One day you’ll have a good story to tell. These men are just part of the old story – create a new one with you as the center, standing strong for what you want.”

Carolyn: “Please don’t give up! However, do continue to make new friends (men and women), join clubs and enjoy ‘me’ time. You don’t have to settle, just enjoy life! If you had sat home alone during the past few years, you would not have such an illustrious story to share with us.”

Curtis: “Not too fussy, sounds like what I am finding in looking for a woman. I list I am outdoors, walking hiking & traveling around the area, the woman that contacted me has allergies and can’t be outside, or can’t hike or walk any distances, so why contact me, and then complain I am too active? Why am I not home more? I know what’s at home, nothing.”

Part 2 – More about our Finding Love After 50 Facebook Group

The name of our Facebook group is Finding Love After 50. If you want to join, you can apply on that Facebook page and I review your information. I need to know a bit about the people who want to join, to protect our 501 members from adding people who have ulterior motives that wouldn’t be beneficial to the group.

Part 3 – An upbeat, Champ update

Last year, we published a column about Larry Coats, a West Texas, gentleman, rancher, and retired US Army Major. He had looked for love online, hoping to find a woman who’d be willing to leave the big city, bright-lights world, to move to be with him on his ranch.

Yesterday, Larry sent an update: “Thought I would just drop a note to let you know that Ellen and I are approaching our one-year wedding anniversary (13 July) and can safely say that we are both very, very happy.

I was initially afraid that she would have trouble adjusting from big city life to life in a small town, but that was never a problem. Anyway, guess things have a way of working out–provided both sides know that it still takes patience and honesty.”

Ellen, 53, and Larry, 65, met on Farmersonly.com.

To read the entire August 18, 2017, article about Ellen and Larry, follow this link:

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/single-post/2017/08/18/Finding-love-in-a-rural-area

Adult children affecting relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 15, 2018

Senior dating challenge: adult children affecting relationships – Part 2

Last week, we shared Diane’s story about breaking up with her man friend of five years because of his adult children, mainly a 26-year-old daughter who said to her dad, “I won’t have a problem with Diane as long as she knows I am the number-one woman in your life.”

Not one Champ disagreed with Diane’s decision to end the relationship. Apparently, adult children affecting relationships is a bigger issue than I realized. Today, we share two other women’s stories that fall under the “interference from adult children” umbrella.

Lee Ann’s boyfriend’s children dictate his life: senior dating and adult children

Lee Ann wrote, “I am in a domestic partnership of 10 years that is breaking up because of his adult children. They are 25, 27 and 30. None of them is completely financially independent even though we paid for their college educations and each of them has lived here at least once since they graduated high school.

The oldest daughter is the real problem. She has borderline personality disorder but refuses to seek therapy. She hasn’t had a long-term relationship in 12 years. She hangs on her father when we go out, sits on his lap when no one is around, and recently told him that she won’t come to our house even if I’m not here because he has to “Negotiate his relationship with her.”

Neither he nor I know what that means, and she won’t define it. I am tired of watching this strange dance they do. He seems to be completely dependent upon her moods and desires. She demands that he take her to restaurants every week.

We live on a small teacher’s retirement income and are tapped out. He has overdrawn our accounts five times in the last three months due to indulging his children. We can’t pay down our mortgage because he gives them money behind my back. The two oldest have bigger incomes than we do. But they never treat their retired father. I have a small business, but it doesn’t bring in much extra.

I can’t stay with someone who will allow his children to dictate his life. And who won’t parent them. My adult sons understand our situation. They treat him with respect.

His adult daughter treats me like she’s his girlfriend and I’m an interloper. Years ago, I thought she and I got along great, but she told me I was mistaken, and she resents me.

My advice to anyone considering dating someone with adult kids is meet them sooner rather than later. Assess the situation before you fall deeply in love. She was away at college the first three years we were together; I didn’t know the extent and damage that would be done. I have a step mother myself and at times I don’t adore her, but I totally respect my father’s right to choose whomever he loves and marries.”

Empty-nester Terri seeks advice

Terri emailed, “I’ve enjoyed your articles for years. I’ve learned a lot about compromise, communication and more. I’m hoping you can give me guidance.

I have been divorced for over 12 years. I am friendly with my ex who is the father of my two children that are recently out of college and have moved out. I am very close with my children.

I am 55 and am lucky to have found and dated for four years a widower, 61, who I love. His wife died of breast cancer eight years ago. He is truly the sweetest, smartest, most caring man. We have so much in common and are best friends. He waited until his early 40s to marry and have a child.

He has a 17-year-old, highly functioning autistic son. When I first met them, my boyfriend did absolutely everything for his son including grabbing a spoon for him, tying his shoes etc., things his son could have done himself. Over the years, with my encouragement, his son now ties his own shoes, takes showers regularly and I’ve even taught him how to cook basic mac and cheese and other dishes.

I persuaded my boyfriend to send his son to a special-needs school when the boy was entering high school. He did, and his son is now blossoming. The son is finally learning to read. He has friends and even went to the prom. I taught him how to slow dance. His son and I get along very well. My boyfriend has told me he’s never heard his son laugh as much as he does around me.

The issue is my boyfriend doesn’t work with his son. He expects the school or me to be the teachers. He is very passive and overly spoils his son by letting him lay around and buying him things. His son has no chores and is allowed to be very lazy. I have stayed there many weekends watching his son wear the same pajamas and play on the computer from Friday night until Sunday night only stopping to eat and sleep.

Now that my last child has graduated college, and all my kids are out on their own, my boyfriend wants me to move in with him and his son.

I am afraid if I do this, I will be solely responsible for raising his son. Not financially because my boyfriend is very well off. I raised my own children as a single parent and don’t want to take on the responsibility of doing it again, especially with a special-needs child whose father is overly complacent.

My biggest concern is that I know my boyfriend will continue to over compensate for his son for whom he has zero expectation. I believe it will all fall on my shoulders. He is in his 60s and I’m afraid it’s too late for him to change. He once told me he wants someone to take over raising his son.

I am in a good stage in my life. I love this man and enjoy our time together, which is mostly a party of three with his son always with us. We spend every weekend together and sometimes have a week-night date. I don’t feel the need to get married. Living apart and dating (a LAT relationship) is enough for me right now.

He is questioning our future because I’ve expressed my concerns about moving-in together and me going back in time to raise another child. His son will be living with him for many more years or maybe even forever. I don’t want to sound selfish, but I feel he is being selfish expecting me to fast forward and take on this role which he has been passive in.

Is it crazy for me to believe at our age we can just keep dating and live separately? It’s been working for us. I believe this is all surfacing because I am now an empty nester; an empty nester looking for advice.”

Tom’s comments: For Terri’s situation, I turned to my partner Greta–a special-education teacher for 31 years—for advice. Greta advised Terri to have the boyfriend get outside help for the son. There are many programs that could help him. Terri should not take the burden on herself.

Not all relationships where adult children are in the mix have problems. Look at these happy moms and their children.

Photo by Tom: Tom and two of his former deli employees–Kelly O and Kelly D–with their children. The employees of Tutor and Spunky’s were one big happy family (most of the time).

I have no children. Greta has four children, eight grandchildren, and three great grandchildren. I have been fortunate. I have always felt complete support from her offspring about our relationship. And now that we are older, her children have personally expressed appreciation to me for watching out for their mom.

And while Greta and I share expenses, we have kept our assets separate. Perhaps that’s one reason her family hasn’t been concerned about our relationship, their inheritance has never been an issue with them. They only care about their mom’s happiness and well-being. I’m a lucky guy.

Note from Tom:

On my website, there are 12 articles I have previously written about how adult children can affect a relationship. Likely, Diane’s story will become number 13 and this story number 14. You can read those articles by following this link.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/senior-dating-when-children-are-inv

Senior dating and adult children

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 8, 2016

Dealing with a boyfriend’s adult children – Senior dating baggage

Senior dating isn’t easy. Senior dating with adult children involved isn’t easy. I hear that comment often from single seniors who aren’t in a relationship. And yet people who are fortunate enough to meet someone tell me that it’s not always a bowl of cherries either. Some of us carry more baggage that a 757.

Too much baggage can be a deal-breaker.

Excess baggage @ Hotel courtyard in India
Photo taken by Tom – November 2016

Issues created by adult children of one or both partners can fall under the excess baggage category. Such is the case with Diane, from whom we hear today.

Diane emailed, “I am a divorced, professional woman, age 62, considered attractive, fit, with many friends and interests. Two years ago, I began dating a man, 58, who had been legally separated for five years. He has three adult children (two are married).

His wife was bi-polar, to which he attributed their marital difficulties. Whenever talk of finalizing the divorce came up, there was always some issue as to why it couldn’t be done at that time. None of the reasons seemed viable to me.

One reason he gave was that if he served the papers during the time of his son’s upcoming wedding, his wife might make a scene at the wedding! I was only half-heartedly invited to attend after a year of seriously dating him. I chose not to go.

During the months of dating, it seemed there was always some need or drama happening with the family, especially with his daughter, 26. He admitted she said, ‘I won’t have a problem with Diane as long as she knows I am the number-one woman in your life.’

We have broken up several times because I felt he had (and still does) have boundary issues with his children and his ex, even though the divorce was finalized. He claims to not be as enmeshed with them as I say, but I feel he hides things from me so as not to upset me, and to present a different picture of what is truly going on.

We are not dating currently, but we speak with and text each other. He doesn’t see the problem and thinks because he finally divorced, which, by the way, was motivated by a fire his ex had, in which he feared she would go after him for more money, which was her tendency according to him.

Money is another issue with him and I get the feeling he also sees me as a subsidizer since he financially supports the daughter.

I like many qualities about this man, but I don’t feel I could ever get to the next level with him due to the dynamics of the family. Every time I think it can work I become once again frustrated and angry. I would love your advice and the opinion of Champs.”

Tom wrote to Diane:

“I am certain that our Champs will have opinions about your situation, as many of them have had to deal with adult children of their significant others. Here are a few of my thoughts:

The 26-year-old daughter appears to be very immature, spoiled and selfish. Have you asked yourself, “Will that situation ever change?”
You have broken up several times over boundary issues with his children. Why do you think that would be different going forward?
Of course, there are qualities about him you like, you would not keep trying with him if you didn’t. But…are the qualities enough to overcome the other obstacles? You answered that question by saying you could not go to the ‘next level.’
So, why keep putting yourself through this agony? I think you know the answer.
Not to mention the money issue. You will never be happy feeling you are subsidizing the daughter who wants to be number one.
“And remember, while you are spending your precious time dealing with these issues, it is taking you away from time that might lead to meeting someone new who has less baggage.”

Diane’s response back to Tom

“I am a mother to two healthy, stable and mature young men. I am very proud of both sons; we have a close, loving relationship. I wanted to share this with Champs so they know I understand the challenges of having adult children accept new partners in our lives. Fortunately, my sons have been open, honest and mature and want only the best for me–which is for me to be happy.

Something you wrote struck a chord: I was spending my ‘precious’ time on a relationship that not only was leading nowhere, but, it was keeping me from possibly meeting someone who doesn’t have these issues and who would be able to enter fully into a relationship.

I now see this investment of time, energy and resources (literally) was much more draining than I even realized! I think we often hang on longer than we should in relationships because we are afraid of leaving something for nothing. Having repeated this mistake all too often, I now know having the so-called ‘nothing’ is far better – in fact, it’s a gift! It’s time to invest in and love myself.

One other thing – I just learned the daughter is moving back in with my now ex-boyfriend because she had ‘issues’ with her roommate. More proof that I made the right decision!

As a result of walking away from this relationship once and for all, I am learning to play golf, do the tango and am now signing up for a writing class.

And having walked away 10 years ago from a 27-year marriage, which was not only causing me emotional pain, but affecting my health as well, I am choosing not to waste any more precious time, nor will I settle. I deserve better.”

Did Diane make the right decision?

*****
On my website, there are 12 articles I have previously written about how adult children can affect a relationship. Likely, Diane’s story will become number 13. You can read those articles by following this link.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/senior-dating-when-children-are-inv

Book Club Date Night

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 1, 2018

Book Club Date Night

I don’t often go to movies. My partner Greta loves movies, and usually goes with friends or alone. I surprised her–and myself–by suggesting we go on Saturday over the Memorial Day weekend to the 4 p.m. Book Club movie. Date night for us.

The TV ads for Book Club suggested that the movie might deal with topics we cover in the newsletter: The need for seniors to have social interaction, to get out with friends, and to incorporate mental stimulation into their lives. The genre was romantic comedy—nothing too heavy, which appealed to me.

Also, the four primary characters were mid-60s women, which is pretty much my target audience. I knew it would be primarily a “chick flick,” but thought it would be entertaining.

Greta belongs to a book club that meets once a month; she hosts the group once a year. In my opinion, her belonging to the book club is good for her; she has female friends and they have a great time. This photo shows members holding the book To Dad From Kelly, about Denver Broncos and former University of Michigan tailback Rob Lytle, written by his son, Kelly Lytle. Kelly autographed a copy for each member.

Rob passed away in his 50s from CTE, a brain disease caused by brain trauma, which has happened to many football players. Rob Lytle was a friend of mine.

Greta’s book club with autographed book, To Dad From Kelly

“Did you order tickets on line ahead of time?” she asked.

“No,” I said, “it’s an early show on a Saturday, there will be plenty of seats available.”

At the ticket window, I was surprised that there were only a few available seats, and they were in rows one and two, so we were closer to the screen than we like. OK, I admit, I should have listened to her and ordered seats online.

Since we were in row two, I didn’t notice how many men were in the audience. But I did notice that most of the laughter, and there was plenty to laugh about in the movie, came from women. From the male perspective, I thought the movie was great. Very funny.

The four accomplished actresses had been in a book club together for years:

-Diane Keaton, widowed for a year, after a 40-year marriage, has two daughters who live in Arizona, who think she should come and live in the “cleared-out basement” of one of their homes.

-Jane Fonda, single, a successful hotel magnate, wanted no strings attached to any man because years before, she had gotten hurt by then boyfriend Don Johnson, (of Miami Vice fame), who resurfaces during the movie.

-Candice Bergen, divorced, a federal judge, had been celibate since her marriage ended 18 years before, attends her son’s engagement party, and sees her ex-husband with a woman about 30 years younger than he, which opens her eyes that she should start living again. She turns to online dating.

-Mary Steenburgen, married, but her 35-year marriage is in a funk. Her husband is depressed and in love with his aging Honda motorcycle, and doesn’t want to be bothered taking dance lessons with her.

It was a feel-good movie. Very funny, great script writing with humorous lines. A surprising amount of focus on senior sex issues but done with class and humor. There is a scene where Diane Keaton, who has a fear of flying, climbs over an airplane seat, in which the male passenger is asleep, which is hilarious.

Keaton is also involved with a department store escalator scene that is also funny, but has an underlying message: because we’re seniors, doesn’t mean we can’t hop on and off escalators without injuring ourselves, although our kids think otherwise.

Much of the movie’s book club discussion is based on the members reading the book, Fifty Shades of Grey, and the book’s two sequels. The books inspire the actresses to reexamine their lives. Some critics I read feel the movie’s multiple references to the book were too much commercialism, but I didn’t have a problem with that.

Another issue that was dealt with is children trying to overly influence their older parents lives.

The movie’s settings are in Southern California and Arizona, with much beautiful scenery around Scottsdale and Sedona.

There were approximately 20 songs in the movie’s soundtrack. I loved the nostalgia of Paul Simon singing, “Late In The Evening,” Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers,’ “Runnin’ Down A Dream,” and Meatloaf’s “I’d Do Anything For Love.”

Life Messages for seniors from the movie Book Club:

-Don’t worry about what other people think. Do what’s right for you

-Don’t let your children make decisions for you because they think they know better than you

-Give love a chance in later years

-If you are too set in your ways, lighten up, loosen up. Take chances. Fonda tells her women pals why she breaks up with Johnson: “He doesn’t want to change me, he listens, he cares for me.” The honesty scares her. The other three set her straight

-We are never too old to enjoy life. Go for it. Spice it up. Don’t worry about tomorrow

-Venture out of your comfort zone. There are plenty of examples of that in the movie with all four actresses

**
No movie is perfect. Not everyone will like it or approve of it. But I sure the heck enjoyed it. I won’t spoil the movie for you other than to say it ends on a warm and fuzzy note.

After the movie, as we walked next door to Hendrix restaurant, Greta took my arm and said, “What a great date night! I loved it.”

As we sat at the bar, enjoying a drink and snacks, I took out a piece of paper and jotted down some notes about the movie for this column. The bartender said, “I know you owned that Tutor and Spunky’s Deli; I hope you aren’t writing a critique of our service.” I smiled and said, “Nope, I’m just making notes for my column about Book Club, the movie we just saw.”

A 60-ish woman, Cindy, and her husband, Jim, were sitting next to us. She heard my comment to the bartender. She said, “Oh my gosh. We live in San Clemente and read your columns in the San Clemente Times newspaper.”

I said, “You’ll read about this one in next week’s paper.”

I thought about the evening. I had stepped out of my comfort zone and it had paid off—my partner was happy, and we made new friends, with a bartender, and a San Clemente couple, who live in the same neighborhood where Greta has had a home for 35 years.

Good things happen when you get out of the house.

Book Club Date Night update – July 15, 2018

Three weeks ago, I wrote about the Paramount Pictures movie Book Club in this newsletter and in my newspapers. Somewhere online, the publicity department at Paramount, read my column. They contacted me. They are going to use my article in the press release they are sending to 2,000 regional and local newspapers and their websites, to promote the movie when it gets released on Blu-ray and DVD. Should be in late August or September.

And where was I when I got the inspiration to write the Book Club article? While Greta and I were sitting on bar stools at a restaurant called Hendrix in Laguna Niguel, shortly after seeing the movie. Some things–like sitting on bar stools–never change.

Advice for aging. Tom’s list of 7 items

Granted, the list of 21 has lots of sage advice for seniors who have reached age 65 and beyond. But, as I read and reread the list, I realized that not all items apply to all seniors. Everybody’s situation is different.

From Tom Blake

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 25, 2018

The list of 21

This week, I received emails from two male Champs, both widowers. The emails had similar subject lines. The first email subject line read: “Between 70 and …, an excellent list for aging.”

The second read: “Between 65 and …, good advice for aging.”

I replaced the word in each subject line with… I didn’t like the sound of it, and didn’t want to begin my eNewsletter with it. You can probably guess what the word was.

Both emails contained the identical list of 21 items for seniors to enhance their lives as they live in their later years. I was curious to know the original author of this list of 21, but in an internet search, I could not find the original writer, so I cannot give him or her credit.

People have edited the list by inserting different ages in the title: Besides 65 and 70, I saw, on the internet, where a blogger had used age 75 as well. Honestly, I don’t like the titles. I would change them to read: “Senior tips for living after age 65,” or something similar.

The List of 21

The list of 21 is too long to include in its entirety in this column. I have posted the entire list on my website should you care to read it (the link is at end). Today, I share with you seven of the 21 items that I selected; I have taken the liberty to edit a few words for grammar and clarity purposes:

Seven Items

“Item 3. Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.

Item #5. Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.

Item #6. Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: ‘A person is not old as long as he or she has intelligence and affection.’

Item # 11. Never use the phrase: ‘In my time.’ Your time is now; you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.

Item # 12. Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.

Item # 14. Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, write, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend time having fun with it.

Item # 15. Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations to baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, and conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.”
********
While conducting the research trying to find the author of the list of 21, I came across the Social Security Administration’s Life Expectancy Calculator. That piqued my personal interest. Anybody can type in his or her gender and date of birth, and the calculator spews out the average number of additional years that person might expect to live. I punched in my personal information. The link to the calculator is at the bottom of today’s eNewsletter.

There is a small disclaimer that applies to the calculator:

“Note: The estimates of additional life expectancy do not take into account a wide number of factors such as current health, lifestyle, and family history that could increase or decrease life expectancy.”
I understand there are no guarantees in life, so I accepted that disclaimer.

The calculator made me feel pretty good. It indicates, on average, I could live to age 88.2. If healthy, I’ll certainly accept that. (Mom lived to almost 99). Hopefully, I will still be writing newsletters until then as item # 14 above recommends.

One of the two lists of 21 had an unnumbered extra paragraph at the end of the list, which I liked:

“AND, REMEMBER: “Life is too short to drink bad wine!”

Amen to that.

To read the entire list of 21, go to

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/copy-of-2013-2016-enewsletters

Link to Life Expectancy Calculator:
https://www.ssa.gov/cgi-bin/longevity.cgi

Happy Memorial Day. By the way, our Champ Les, age 92, a decorated WWII vet, is representing the USA by laying the wreath of flowers at the World War II Memorial, along with singer/performer Gary Sinise, on Memorial Day. Les will also be an honorary grand marshal of the parade. It will be on PBS TV.

Les Jones–our proud Champ–WWII vet, Purple Heart winner, amazing man, great friend

The List of 21: advice for living a good life as we age

Note from Tom: This List of 21 (my name for it) has been emailed to me more than once. I searched the Internet to find the author’s name, to no avail. I do not take credit for this list. I don’t the like the title: “Between 65 (or 70, or 75) and …” So, I took the word out and inserted the “… “I would prefer a title like this, “Tips for Senior Living beyond 65,” or something similar. I add The List of 21 to this Finding Love After 50 website so readers can peruse the entire list of 21 items.

21 tips for seniors to live by — The List of 21

A reminder. I am not the author of this list. The words below are not mine.

Between 65, 70, or 75 and …

Many of us are between 65 and the end of our life. An old friend sent me this excellent list for aging, and, I have to agree it’s good advice to follow….

It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard-earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for investments, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries. This is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, do tests even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.
Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Senior Love. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”
Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.
ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised what old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them that yesterday’s wisdom still applies today.
Never use the phrase: “In my time.” Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren (if you have a financial choice, that is). Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer or just collect certain items. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
Even if you don’t feel like it, try to accept invitations. Baptisms, graduations, birthdays, weddings, conferences. Try to go. Get out of the house, meet people you haven’t seen in a while, experience something new (or something old). Senior social interaction. But don’t get upset when you’re not invited. Some events are limited by resources, and not everyone can be hosted. The important thing is to leave the house from time to time. Go to museums, go walk through a field. Get out there.
Be a conversationalist. Talk less and listen more. Some people go on and on about the past, not caring if their listeners are really interested. That’s a great way of reducing their desire to speak with you. Listen first and answer questions, but don’t go off into long stories unless asked to. Speak in courteous tones and try not to complain or criticize too much unless you really need to. Try to accept situations as they are. Everyone is going through the same things, and people have a low tolerance for hearing complaints. Always find some good things to say as well.
Pain and discomfort go hand in hand with getting older. Try not to dwell on them but accept them as a part of the cycle of life we’re all going through. Try to minimize them in your mind. They are not who you are, they are something that life added to you. If they become your entire focus, you lose sight of the person you used to be.
If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone – apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!

AND, REMEMBER: “Life is too short to drink bad wine!!”

My friend, 68, will be caregiver to his mom, who is 90

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 19, 2018

A Champ to care give his 90-year-old mother (Be sure to read the update at the end)

I have been friends with Mick for 43 years. We worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in the 1970s. Those were fun and carefree days back then. My, my, how life has changed. This week, Mick, 68, reached out for advice.

Mick wrote, “In September, 2017, I retired from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation and then spent the winter in Lake Tahoe skiing. While I was up there, Emma, my 90-year-old mother, tripped and fell in the chicken house at her farm in rural Wisconsin and suffered a concussion.

Emma has been living alone, by proud choice, in a circa 1850 farmhouse on 47 acres for the past few years following the passing of her second husband and her dog. That accidental fall at her farm, and, one too many cold winters, finally changed her mind about living alone. She has decided to take me up on my longstanding offer for her to move to Dallas to live out her final years near me.

As I considered her and my housing options, I decided to buy a house near White Rock Lake that was big enough with the right floor plan to permit us to be housemates but still have a healthy measure of separation and privacy.

I read a book titled “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande, which describes how we in the developed world have decided to ‘outsource’ the care of our elders to an impersonal, uncaring industry focused more on medical outcomes and safety than quality of life.

I strongly recommend Champs take the time to read the book. That book helped me decide that my mother deserved a better fate than to be parked in an institutional setting waiting to die. That may happen eventually, but until it becomes necessary, I want to provide her with a more pleasant alternative.

I am a bit apprehensive about having my mother as a housemate. She and I are fiercely independent and have each lived alone for many years. We also know how to push each other’s ‘buttons.’ But we have committed to give this a try.

Emma’s health is good. But I know at some point, the wheels will start to come off. There is enough room here to permit live-in help if or when necessary. I intend to go back to work (for the $ and the mental stimulation) and have a new, wonderful lady named Mary Ann, age 61, in my life who lives a short drive away. So, I will get time away from Emma. So, I should avoid caregiver loneliness. Mary Ann is totally on board with Emma moving in with me.

Mick and Mary Ann – Mick will help his Mom; Mary Ann agrees with his decision

The challenges to this arrangement are obvious. But my mother and I have always gotten along very well. I’m sure we will be able to negotiate our way around the inevitable conflicts (so long as she remains lucid). My immediate concerns are:

1. Her single senior loneliness. Emma will be leaving behind her social network and initially will be totally dependent on me for conversation and emotional support. How do I help her develop a cadre of new buddies here in Dallas to ease that burden? She will need senior social interaction.

2. Her isolation. Our house is in a wonderful park like setting with shade trees and a large nearby lake. Yet Dallas-Fort Worth is the fourth largest urban area in the US. So, there is a lot to do – museums, opera, symphony, the Dallas Arboretum, restaurants, art galleries, etc. My mother has agreed to give up her car and will not be driving, but I want her to get out and enjoy all that the Dallas/Fort Worth area has to offer, as long as she is able. Are Uber and Lyft safe and reliable transportation alternatives?

3. My sadness. I think of my mother as a strong, vibrant woman with a bit of a temper and a lot of spunk. She stopped cross country skiing at age 80 and still shovels snow and chops her own firewood. She has always been a handful.

But as she ages, she is beginning to show signs of frailty and loss of cognitive skills. She is more indecisive than before. I understand that such declines may be inevitable but emotionally it’s hard for me to watch and experience. Seeing her only occasionally, as I did previously, made it easier to take. But what will happen when I see it every day? How do I best prepare myself to be strong but remain considerate and loving?

I’m certain our Champs have a lot of collective and hard-earned wisdom on how to manage my new situation. Feedback from them would be helpful. There is no reason for me to reinvent the wheel.”

Tom’s comment to Mick:

-Your apprehension is understandable. No doubt, her moving in will be an adjustment for both of you.

-Your immediate concerns are valid. She will be lonely; you will need to find places for her where she can go and socialize and make new friends. Is there a senior center near? Check Meetup.com to see if there are clubs or activities that would interest her. I’d get on this her senior social interaction right away.

-Uber and Lyft are, for the most part, safe options. But, occasionally, we hear about a driver who is a bad egg. Also, can Emma use a cell phone to access the apts so she can order Uber or Lyft when she wants to be picked up?

Are wheel-chair-access buses for seniors available to come to your home to transport Emma to and from the places she will want to go? Also, who will be with her at museums, the opera and other places when she is out and about?

-Good that the new house is big enough should you need live-in help.

-The sadness you feel is natural, after all, you love her. But showing signs of frailty and loss of cognitive skills is normal. To cope with that you will have to realize it goes with the territory. You will be tested most with having patience for her declining ability and if that becomes too unbearable, you may have to make other arrangements for her, which you and she do not want.

That’s what makes care giving so damn hard. It becomes lonely as well. You cannot let it start to cost you your health—that’s a huge challenge.

Knowing you, you will handle the situation with grace and understanding.

And then this happens. Update from Mick on Wednesday:

Mick wrote, “Yesterday, my mother walked into a glass partition at her bank in West Bend WI, bounced off, fell down and severely broke her leg. Fortunately, the hip ball and socket are in good shape (so no hip replacement needed) but she will have a rod and screws installed this afternoon to put her femur back together. My brother is on his way there now. I will fly to Milwaukee Friday.

“So, I guess this will be baptism-by-fire for me regarding this care-taking thing. Wish me luck!”

Loneliness of Caregivers

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 11, 2018

Senior Loneliness. Last week, I asked Champs for input on the loneliness of caregiving.

Before I begin today’s column, I need to mention that writing about this topic was difficult. Caregiving is not easy, as you will comprehend as you read these two responses from Champs.

A positive that emerged for me: It made me appreciate—even more than I already do–how fortunate I am to have Greta, a wonderful and loving partner, in my life. And I hope these two stories will have a similar affect on you.

Also, as we age, we must realize that for some of us, care giving will become a reality. We might become a care-giver, or a care-receiver. Either way, we’ll do our best.

Caregivers have big hearts

Linda’s story: Recovering from caregiving

Linda emailed, “I was my husband’s caregiver for many years. Dealing with the loneliness was harder some days than others. I miss having to take care of him.

He had open heart surgery, having his aortic valve replaced in the 1990’s, and never really recovered from that. He ended up getting an infection in his incision, and then was put on “IV” antibiotics for six weeks.

After that, it was just one more bump in the road after another. When he passed away, there was nothing left for me to do. Everything was done and over. I miss talking and laughing with him. I miss getting a hug for no reason. The evenings are the worst as there is no one to talk with or help you figure out a problem.

I was also kind of a caregiver to our dog (a Lhasa Apso). She had arthritis in her back and needed treatments and meds. I had to put her to sleep this past July. Now, I am really alone.

I feel as you become his caregiver, after so many years, you are no longer his wife, you are his caregiver. That realization was tough on some days. Dealing with senior loneliness, you try to get involved with others, but I always felt uncomfortable as everyone usually had someone and I was there alone.

It has been four years this month that he has been gone. I currently have a job working 2 p.m. to 8 p.m. That kind of uses up my evenings. My job is necessary, as there were no funds left when he passed. I am getting better and stronger each day, but it is taking time.

Althea’s story: In a way, caregiving is her savior, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy

Althea said, “I am ‘sort of’ a caregiver; I live with a couple in Yuba City, California. I get lonely and feel very alone in this world most of the time.

I’m 69 and was taken-in last August by a married couple who are both 81 and live in their own 3-bedroom, 2-bath house. I was in jeopardy of becoming homeless in Placerville, a couple of hours from here, and, through their daughter finding me, they accepted me and my 7-year-old dog, to help with their challenges of aging.

They gave me the master bedroom and bath. I don’t get paid, but, that balances out with my not having to pay rent or for groceries.

The wife has dementia; I help with her issues when her husband is not around. He goes fishing at least three times a week and keeps busy in his garage the other days. He and I take turns making the evening meals (she doesn’t cook anymore; she ‘tidies up’ but doesn’t clean anything).

I’ve been dealing with senior loneliness for a long time because I’ve been divorced for many years and have been living alone since 2008 when my last child graduated from college.

This senior loneliness feels different though. Before, I would be lonely, but I was living in my own home, surrounded by my things that were familiar and made me feel safe. I could putter and find things to do in my house or outside.

Now, I have my own room with all my things and furniture in it, but I’m living in someone else’s house where everything else is out of my control…like arranging the kitchen cabinets and drawers the way I’d prefer or moving things around in the rest of the house.

I don’t spend any time in their living room. I spend a few hours in the dining room where I do jigsaw puzzles on the big table (they don’t use the room anymore) and kitchen, eating or cleaning up.

I spend most of the day in my room with my dog: computer, iPad, phone, TV, books, magazines, my thoughts, sometimes writing in a journal.

To combat senior loneliness, I get out most every day. I take my dog for walks at one of the many grassy/shady parks. Sometimes, I just drive around for a while and run my own small errands for personal items, also sometimes buy lunch and eat at one of the parks.

I found a therapist last October and have a standing appointment for one hour on Wednesdays. It helps to have someone to vent to, get advice on dealing with a person with dementia, and just have a coherent female to talk to!

On most discount-Tuesdays, I see a movie showing late morning or middle of the day. Before Craigslist eliminated the personals column, I had an ad looking to meet a man or woman to share movies with and/or become friends.

Meeting a man didn’t happen, (only a couple first meetings). I did meet one lady in her 70’s who lives nearby. We’ll have breakfast now and then and visit a while, chat through emails too but we’re very different.

Through my therapist I met another lady, also in her 70’s, whom I no longer see. No compatibility there – she stopped contacting me after we met three times. I’m thinking she wasn’t comfortable with my situation.

Then, five weeks ago, on a dating site, I met a man I have started spending a little time with–three dates since our initial coffee meeting.

He’s 66 and lives an hour’s drive away, so I’m not sure if either of us will be able to keep seeing each other on a regular basis, since the long drive up and back triggers my arthritis pain in my hands and shoulders, and I don’t have a lot of money for gas.

Plus, he knows I don’t live in my own home, so our dates down here are in the park or out for meals. I don’t feel comfortable having him over here – yet. Even if/when I do, it’s not my house.

This week, my therapist gave me some info about an Alzheimer’s support group here in my town. They meet on the fourth Saturday every month for two hours, at a nearby senior living facility. Hopefully that will help me too. Might even meet other ladies there to become friends with.

All of this doesn’t completely ‘fix’ my loneliness issues, because when I’m back in the house, the issues wash over me all over again, but I’m doing my best to overcome loneliness every day and think positively.

Tom’s final take: It’s important for caregivers to stay in contact with as many friends and family members as they can. Senior social interaction is critical. Althea made that clear. And her reminder to think positively is just as critical.

Regardless Of Age Pursue Your Passion

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 4, 2018,

Regardless of age pursue your passion

Lately, we’ve talked about the importance of keeping our bodies moving and our minds active as we age. I was strongly reminded of that this week in an online magazine article I read titled, “Why Does Willie Nelson Still Do iI?” The link to that article, which includes a fascinating and revealing video interview with him, is at the end of today’s story. But, first, some background.

In August, 2015, Willie Nelson, then 82, was scheduled to perform at the Orange County, California, Fair. My life partner Greta and I, and our Dana Point friends, Ron and Lee Cohan, had tickets for the concert at the Pacific Amphitheatre, an outdoor venue. The four of us realized it would probably be our last chance to see Willie, a country music legend.

Most, not all, of the audience appeared to be ages 50 to 90. We were in our row 2 seats; the band’s instruments were in place on the stage. And then, it started raining hard; the show was canceled.

Three months later, the same foursome—Ron, Lee, Greta and I—attended a January 6, 2016, Willie Nelson and Family concert at the Grove in nearby Anaheim.

On the night of the concert, it rained again, but the Grove is an indoor venue, so we knew the show would go on, although the possibility of a rain-cancellation crossed my mind as we drove there.

Frankly, my expectations about Willie performing were modest. I imagined that his family members, including his sons Micah and Lukas on guitars, and “little sister Bobbie,” as Willie calls her, on piano, would be the primary performers, and that Willie would sing only a few songs. After all, he was 82.

When the lights dimmed, Willie led his band onto the stage. He was wearing a t-shirt with “Maui” on the front and his usual red headband.

Willie picked up his guitar Trigger, the name he’s given to his ancient Martin N-20 classical guitar that he’d had at that time for 47 years–the one with a gaping hole and faded autographs from famous people such as Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings on it. He began with one of his classics, “Whiskey River.” The four of us were pleasantly surprised; Willie and his band sounded great.

Willie Nelson at the Grove in Anaheim, California, January 6, 2016

He was on stage nonstop for over 90 minutes. He sang: Georgia on My Mind; On the Road Again; Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground; Crazy; Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die; Good-Hearted Woman; Always on My Mind; and about 25 other songs, all of them familiar.

He was gracious and personable. Fans kept tossing cowboy hats on the stage. Willie would wear the hats for a couple of songs and then toss them to the crowd Frisbee-style. He also threw five headbands to the crowd.

One of our Champs, Ken, also attended that concert.

And now, this coming August, Willie–who turned 85 last Sunday, (the guitar Trigger, is now 49, and “baby sister” Bobbie, is 87) and his family–are coming to Southern California again. He will be at the Orange County Fair, but we aren’t going to see him there.

Instead, the night before, he is performing at Humphreys by the Bay, a cozy, intimate, outdoor venue cuddled next to yachts in San Diego. Our friends, Ron and Lee, purchased a package that includes dinner, an overnight stay at the hotel, and Row 2 seats. We are going with them. To make this concert even more special, singer Alison Krauss, of the group Union Station, is also performing.

Written on the tickets: “Humphreys/Rain or Shine.” So, it can rain all it wants that night.

This Monday, Texas Monthly magazine featured Willie in an article by Michael Hall that contained a link to a video interview with Willie. I recommend you click on the article link (the video link is included in the article):
https://www.texasmonthly.com/the-culture/why-does-willie-nelson-still-do-it/

If you want to see the video only (4 minutes, 38 seconds) it reveals why Willie keeps creating. He is quite the remarkable personality. I’d thought you’d enjoy it. The video-only link is below:

https://www.texasmonthly.com/video/bus-willie-boys/

Willie with my nephew Derek Blake, in 2007 (photo by Derek Blake)

Greta said, “Just because we are older, doesn’t mean we stop doing what we love. Willie is the epitome of that. He says he keeps going because it makes him happy and keeps him alive”

Part 2 – We’ve been writing about overcoming senior single loneliness and you’ve sent in incredible comments. I’d like to hear from caregivers how they deal with their own loneliness. Any comments on that topic would be appreciated.