On Life and Love after 50 – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert

Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
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I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face.

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for.

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care? -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.) Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent.

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems.

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona.

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away.

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby.

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors.

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine.

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area.

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted!

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though).

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months.

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away.

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time.

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer.

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change.

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly.

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place.

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

Senior Long-Distance Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 3, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Senior Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) can work but…

Last week’s eNewsletter featured Gerry, The Golden Bachelor (72), and Theresa (70), the woman he selected to become his wife. They married on January 4, 2024, on live TV.

Three months later, on Good Morning America, they announced they were getting a divorce. Why? They said they couldn’t adjust to being in an LDR (long-distance relationship). Gerry lives in Indiana; Theresa lives in New Jersey; neither wanted to relocate.

One wonders if during the hoopla and excitement of being on national TV, did either person consider how living 1,000 miles apart might affect their marriage? Apparently not.

I thought my article was possibly a yawner. However, several Champs responded favorably. The first comment I received was from Champ Pam, who wrote, “It made me laugh out loud! I thought it was very clever and one of THE BEST you have ever written! It’s a ’10.’” Pam’s words got my Friday headed in the right direction.

What surprised me was the number of responses about the pluses and minuses of senior LDRs. Many seniors are either currently online dating or considering online dating and they realize an LDR might result from online dating.

Champ Andrea wrote, “I lost my husband of 30 years this past October. We had a great marriage and of course, I miss him every day.

“However, at 74, I’m ready to look for my next ‘chapter.’ I have read your blogs regarding catfishing. I live in an age 55+ community (Laguna Woods, Orange County, Calif.) and while there are some single men there, most of the eligible ones are on the ‘needy’ side!”

“What do you think about online dating sites? Any recommendations would be appreciated.”

Andrea realizes that when two people connect via online dating, and a relationship evolves, it usually starts as an LDR.

My question: In the 60-to-80+ age range, can an LDR work? Senior Long-Distance Relationships challenges:

A major consideration is the distance in either time or miles between each other. My rule of thumb is if more than a half-hour drive or 20 miles, it’s too far for me.

And what if one or both don’t drive? Or, if one or both don’t drive at night? One wise Champ said, “There’s always Uber, Lyft, or a new service called Yellow Taxi, so those obstacles can be overcome.”

I reminded her that the roundtrip cost can be prohibitive. In 2023, I took an Uber from my Dana Point home to Laguna Woods, 13.4 miles, and then back. The cost was $52 plus tip.

And what if the new couple wants to be together regularly? Who is going to relocate? That was the downfall of Gerry and Theresa. Neither one of them!

Don’t get me wrong. Some LDRs can and have worked. Take Champ Larry, who currently lives in Florida. He shared his LDR stories after reading last week’s column.

Larry mentioned that 46 years ago, he went to Boston with a buddy who fixed Larry up on a blind date. Larry was smitten with her.

Shortly after they met, he moved to NYC from Chicago. He said, “When I was in New York, I invited her to drive from Boston. The rest was history.”

He added, “We started an LDR as my first job out of graduate school was in Pierre, South Dakota, working in the office of a newly elected Governor, and then later I was recruited to work in the Illinois Governor’s office in Springfield, Illinois. She and I got together bimonthly until I asked her to marry me.

“We married in Boston and 45 years later she died of cancer in our Grand Haven, Michigan, home in hospice care. She was my wife; lover; mother of my children, and best friend and cheerleader for my political profession.”

Would Larry and his wife be able to get together now that he’s in his mid-70s, vs. 46 years ago? Probably not, just too far away.

However, recently he took another chance with another LDR. His children urged him to go online. He did. He said, “I met Liz who lived only four miles away, but it could have been 100. Driving back and forth in traffic, keeping clothing at two locations, meals, and children visiting from out of town are just some of the issues seniors face in even a short-mileage LDR.”

I might add another item to Larry’s list. What happens if the senior who drives forgets his or her meds and absolutely must have them that night? Egad, does that mean going back home and then returning? Or just going home that night and not returning that night? Meds are easy to forget; I’m speaking from experience. Oh my, the challenges of senior dating.

Larry continued, “Liz moved in with me after nearly two years of LDR dating. Now, we are learning a lot about each other and this ‘experiment continues’ with both sets of eyes wide open.

“LDRs for seniors today are even more difficult whether miles away or close.”

(In the small world department, when I first met Larry a few years ago, he mentioned he was going to Grand Haven, Michigan, for the summer. I said to him: “My mom grew up there.” He said, “What was her name?”

I said, “Frances Pardee.” He said, “A man named George Pardee gave me my first job in Grand Haven.” I was dumbfounded.

I said, “George Pardee was my mom’s brother, my uncle.” Larry was equally surprised. Years later, Larry became the city manager of Grand Haven.)

Back to Senior LDRs

Champ Jim also commented about senior LDRs, “It’s too hard to adjust to a new environment or to travel back and forth for a relationship. And what happens if you have a dog or a cat that you leave at home, as I do? Are you going to leave your animal alone for six hours or overnight? That wouldn’t be right.

“And how about the person you’re going to visit? He or she might also have an animal that might not mix well with your pet or might not like you. This is another challenge of senior dating.”

However, Jim admits he is open to traveling a few extra miles for the right woman.

So, when senior dating, and you meet a person who lives x miles away, be prepared to have the LDR discussion–the who, what, when, and how will the LDR challenges be overcome.

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”

A Troubled Senior Woman

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
October 6, 2023
A Troubled Senior Woman Seeks Answers
She is conflicted over senior dating
By Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, I asked Champs to email me their stories, questions, and observations. One woman, Trish, wanted to share her story. Her story was so captivating, it’s today’s article. It’s three of her emails spliced together. It’s lengthy and complex.

As I read what Trish wrote, I realized her story was far beyond my reach as a relationship columnist. She has deep-seated issues that need attention. I asked Trish for her permission to share her information confidentially with a therapist friend of mine. Trish agreed. You will see in Trish’s email below why I felt this way.

Trish wrote, “I’ve been reading your newsletter for years. I’ve been divorced for 10 years and was in a serious relationship that ended four years ago.

“I am now seeing a man who has pursued me for three years. We dated for almost a year, and I ended it, but he’s back after patiently waiting for me. We ran into each other a few months ago and have seen each other every day since; he adores me.

Tom’s comment: (I added the italics and boldface to the two sentences below for clarity and emphasis.) “My concern is that I’m not capable of that kind of feeling. I’m happy to be with him for the most part, I just can’t envision a whole life with him as he does. We are both fit and healthy.

“He has an incredible and beautiful faith in God and has put my own spiritual journey on a path that is so different and amazing.

“He’s felt from day one when we met that God put me on his path to love and care for me. He waited patiently before asking me out on his boat for an afternoon. Then again, and again.

“His faith allows him to overlook the differences in our feelings towards each other because he feels very strongly that God ‘gave’ me to him for him to care for me.

“Is it wrong to continue in a relationship where there is an imbalance of feelings? I’m afraid of hurting him, I’m 62, he’s 69. He is extremely generous with money and talent. He works on my home, my real true love (lol). I don’t have much to give in return. He is just happy to be with me. There is no physical contact, it isn’t an issue for either of us, so it’s more like best buddies.

“I’m a ‘rough-around-the-edges’ New Yorker. He’s a small-town Southern roughneck. He’s fun, quirky, and a bit of a character. We know the same people and most of them love it that we are back together. He sees marriage, I have no vision.

“I don’t think I can love again, but I most certainly care for him. I have zero interest in a physical relationship, I don’t have so much of myself to give. He has never made a move. We have a great time together; I just don’t really bring much to the table.

“I own my home and have been told I’m ‘sexy.’ I hate that and look 10 years younger. I have a great job that I love (in mental health). He lives on a houseboat, has a pontoon boat, and drives nice vehicles. He’s not unattractive; he’s been on his own for 13 years.

“We hadn’t seen each other for a year, he walked into a local pub where I was playing pool and it was amazing to see him and reacquaint. We have seen each other just about every day since.

“I was hurt 10 years ago to a level for which I can’t find words. I’ve risen above it financially and spiritually and found my peace with me alone, not lonely.

“I live in the South and find myself in another world, Tony world, that I mostly embrace. He’s a true ‘redneck’ with a Southern Drawl. I’m 62, he’s 69.

“He’s proposed a few times, more of a business transaction, as he thinks he will live past 100, but wants to make sure I am taken care of. I have no desire to find another man, I’ve got tons of opportunities, including ex-boyfriends from as far back as high school. Pisses me off that I wasn’t good enough then but now I am? Disgusting.

“As far as settling? I have a life, two amazing sons, that I raised on my own since they were 13 and 14. They have both launched successfully. I love my home albeit it needs some attention. He is always doing something around here for me.

“I have a career, a few bucks in the bank, not much, but I pay my bills. A small circle of friends, I’ll never trust or really fit in here. The people are basically all kind. I took up pool, lol, and am getting pretty good at it too! There is no real culture here. I don’t drive at night. A medium-sized city is 30 minutes away.

“I try to travel once a month, as my job is remote. Sometimes friends visit. He has a hard time ‘fitting in’ with people he hasn’t known his whole life, but he tries.

“I am happy for the most part. I struggle with thinking about the long term. This is not the life I imagined for myself. I am stuck in yearning for the days of an intact family, the holidays, and, the other parent helping me parent.

“I am a very angry woman at the deal that I got dealt. I have come a long way personally, but being in a relationship does trip some of my triggers. I don’t know how to be a ‘girlfriend.’ He has proposed to me three times, I just don’t see it, I can’t imagine what that would even look like.

“I remember your eNewsletter about being married and living apart. That I could probably handle, but why get married? I know he would love the whole commitment thing, but we both know how easily that can disappear.

“But, the original question was is it wrong to stay in a relationship where I can’t drum up feelings for him, or probably anybody? I care for him, I enjoy the times we have together and have learned how to adapt when I start to get triggered by the negative thoughts that invade from time to time. The first time we were together it was constant, this second time they were just whispers and not screams. Maybe that’s progress? Maybe my standards have lowered?

“He expresses constant adorations, affirmations, and just pure joy about ‘us.’ He prays over us every night before he leaves my house and thanks God for me. He has taken my spiritual journey to a whole higher level and that is what I adore about him.

“Here is what I don’t adore about him. He has no ‘class.’ I know that’s mean, but I could have dinner at the White House with a few hours’ notice.

“He, not so much. The intellect and the culture are just not there, even if he exudes confidence, it’s at a much smaller level.

“Is this what compromise is supposed to be? Is this enough? The idea of finding or being found by another man is not something I want to do. I honestly just don’t think I have the energy for it. The online dating thing was just pure entertainment for me, so silly.

“Also, the idea of having to be physical is a ‘hard no’ for me. He obviously is not interested either.

“In this little town where I live, residents think a great steak dinner is at LongHorn Steakhouse, and other than KFC, there aren’t many places to go. So, meeting someone here would be very challenging as well. The other thing I struggle with is my two boys seeing their mom dating. They like him; they see how good he is to me and appreciate that.

“This email I wrote to you has been very therapeutic. I appreciate the opportunity to get this all out.

Tom’s response to Trish. “You said you were surprised I invested so much time into responding to you. That’s true, I have never answered anyone to that extent before. But, I could feel your pain and frustration. Please be proud of yourself for what you’ve accomplished on your own.

“It’s good that you live near your son and you two are close. I’m certain both of your boys (men now) appreciate all you’ve done for them.

“My quick initial take on your question is. As long as you and your rough-neck friend discuss the situation beforehand, and he knows there is no marriage in the future, and you have laid all the cards on the table, and he understands the torture you’ve been through, let it be.

“My psychotherapist friend Debbie will respond to you privately.”

“As often happens, your story and your energy remind me of the words from the Bob Seger song, “In Your Time.” Search for it on Google and listen to the words. This song could become your mantra.”

Around the Island

Senior dating concern: Availability

Tom with Johnny Cash circa 1990

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 20, 2023
Senior Dating Availability
Are any seniors available to date? By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1
Senior dating availability. Full time? Part-time? or No time?

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available,” produced interesting responses, a few of which I am sharing with you today.

Sarah emailed, “Another issue regarding availability would be a health issue. I’m thinking in terms of something like auto-immune, MS, or the like, where there are good days and bad…or for that matter, good hours followed quickly by bad hours.

“Often in a situation like this, a person might have to cancel plans at the last minute or wait until the last minute to make or confirm plans. This is something that would be necessary to speak of early on as it would take a lot of patience and understanding, but as you say, Tom, it might be very worthwhile.”

Jonie, “Most of the senior women I know are available for a part-time relationship but don’t want to take on a man full-time. The women have hobbies and friends and want quality alone time. They don’t want to give those things up, so a part-time relationship is perfect for them. Most are widows or divorcees who have learned that living single has a lot of perks.

“Hence, they want to balance that and not give it up. Plus, most of the women I know will not mingle finances. So, the question ‘Are you available to date?’ is brilliant. It allows the responder to be very honest about their status. They can say ‘Yes, on a part-time basis’ or ‘No, not right now,’ It’s a great question on a first date.

Tom’s comment: Men don’t want to mingle finances either.

Francine, Florida (Francine and I have never met in person but through email exchanges, we found we have a couple of things in common. We were both born on November 11 (different years) and she met her husband-to-be on June 23, 1998, while I met Greta on June 24, 1998, just one day apart). My Mom Fran was also born on November 11.

Francine emailed, “I love reading your senior love eNewsletters. I’ve been widowed for almost 11 years the first time, and then again when a boyfriend passed away five years ago. I date a lot now.

“Len, a friend of 12 years, has been trying to see if we can take our friendship to the next higher level. He lives in Henderson, Nevada, where I first met him. We are both from NYC. We are the same: politically, religion, values, intelligence, movies, books, and music. However, I’m very outgoing, while he is quiet.”

“He is coming out in February to see if we click together. He said after all these years that I’m still ‘under his skin.’ If it works this time, I have no problem traveling back and forth from Florida to Nevada as I loved living in Henderson (for 14 years). I still know my way around and have friends there.

“Len and I have always been on the same page in different books. I was married; he was single. I was widowed; he had a girlfriend…and so on for 12 years. He seems to get involved with the wrong women and now he wants to try the right one. I’m hopeful we have a chance this time. I’m tired of dating so many men with whom I might have chemistry but nothing else. Or things in common but no chemistry.

“I’m 76 and still very young physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package. I don’t mind part-time. Len is 72. It’s time for us! I will commute for a while if I must as I can do my work anywhere…he works part-time in Las Vegas. “I’m still writing my book …hopefully by year’s end, I can get it published. “Len canceled on me four years ago when he was involved with a ‘married woman.’ They are just friends now.”

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Francine and Len are mentally available for each other. I’m glad they are giving it a try. Of course, the long-distance availability aspect will be a bit challenging, but Francine feels she can tackle that.

Gloria, “I’m divorced 30+ yrs. I have no grief issues romantically (however, I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer) I’m healthy and fun. People wonder why I haven’t found a guy friend all these years. I would love a causal relationship for fun. Never clicked with anyone. Some men I have dated were nasty.

“I can relate to last week’s eNewsletter advice. I am not up for an all-consuming ‘relationship. I enjoy my single life – I’m a writer and a singer and a political activist. The reason I relate is that last year I met a seemingly nice guy online. He treated me to lunch. In our discussion, I felt he’d need more time than I was willing or able to give him. I told him that even though I’m not working, I have a busy life, but it would be nice to get together on weekends.

“He started to cry. He had told his mother about me. I felt awful, as I realized lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily. Not my thing. I hope he found a nice woman offering what he needed.”

Tom’s comment to Gloria: “Oh my gosh. He started to cry and told his mother about you? I haven’t pulled that maneuver yet. It reminds me of the 1950s song ‘Cry’ by Johnnie Ray, who was popular for a few years in the 1950s. I do take issue with your comment,

“I realize lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily.” That’s a generalization. It could apply to some women also. And it doesn’t have to be daily. I think I’m a 2.5 to three times-a-week guy for getting together but am still trying to figure that out. This senior single stuff is new to me. A buddy of mine asked me if the 2.5 to three times of meetings per week include time for intimacy. I choked on my wine.

Egad, I hadn’t thought about that and said, “Let me get back to you on that.” Wow, so much to think about under this availability umbrella. On second thought, I think I know my answer. I’m learning how single women think about availability and other issues during these early stages of venturing out there. Hopefully, the info will keep me from saying or doing Something Stupid. (a 1967 #1 song made popular by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
Link to Something Stupid

Wednesdays are never dull

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

DECEMBER 2, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Wednesdays are never dull

I allowed a dumb thing to happen this Wednesday. I received an email earlier in the week titled “Seeking Clarity” from a widower of two years that in a nutshell had to do with a woman he has been dating. It was lengthy, close to 1,000 words. He wanted to consult with me over the phone.

I read it and immediately felt it had enough widower-dating information to make an interesting eNewsletter for you Champs. Frankly, it’s been a bit difficult to generate meaningful topics since Greta passed away a month ago. My battery is a bit spent.

Anyway, I emailed back to him saying I’d be happy to consult with him and that I’d like to use his story in this week’s eNewsletter and asked for his permission to do so. Four days went by without a response.

So, Wednesday I realized I’d better get a newsletter written for today. I decided to use his story and started editing the material. I changed the names of the people involved and their locations just to protect myself. The project took close to four hours. I finally had what I thought was a worthwhile newsletter that you Champs would respond to.

Around 2 p.m., I got a response from him saying there were some items of information he did not want included and to hold the presses. So, here I had a completed eNewsletter for this week with which I was pleased. And I couldn’t use it. The dumb thing was that I invested four hours without being 100 percent sure it was okay with him. One would think that after 28 years of writing columns, I’d have been smarter than that. Again, I just haven’t been thinking clearly for the last month due to my loss of my mate for 25 years.

So what happened? I’ve been trying to senior downsize and get rid of stuff lately. I looked at one of the boxes in the living room that was filled with 136 Writer’s Digest Magazines, dated from 1987 through 2011. I don’t want to just pitch them out. I used these magazines to learn how to write and how to hone my writing back even before I became a columnist. I attribute the tips in those magazines to helping me learn the trade. Perhaps, a Champ or two will come up with an idea of what I can do with those magazines.

Also, I noticed, on top of the pile, a magazine titled “55 Plus. For Active Adults in Central New York.” It was dated June/July 2011. There was a promo on the front cover that read, “Seniors Using Online Dating Steadily Increasing.”

I started reading the article. It said, “The number of seniors who use online dating services is expected to skyrocket in the coming years…”

I said to myself, “Just for fun, I’ll read this article to see how online dating has changed since 2011.”

Paragraph five blew my mind. It said, “Tom Blake, an Orange County Register columnist and author of several books about finding love after the age of 50, said that more than half of 50 couples he surveyed for a recent book (How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, published in 2009) indicated that they found their current significant others on Internet dating sites.

The next paragraph read, “I was surprised by that,” said Blake, who also publishes a free e-Newsletter for older singles simply called the Tom Blake Newsletter. “And even more interesting was that one site, Match.com, blew away the competition, based on what the people said about their experiences with different sites.

“Changing attitudes are a big part of why so many more people over 50 are dating again,” Blake said. “Some people may elect to never marry again after a divorce, but they are looking to cohabitate.”

I had even more words of wisdom in that article but that’s enough for now. I can’t remember being interviewed by Aaron Gifford, the person who wrote the piece. Finding that story was the result of me being so dumb earlier in the day by writing for four hours, only to put that eNewsletter in the can, to be used in the future.

And here is a surprising coincidence. In the U.S. mail on Wednesday, a condolences card about my losing Greta a month ago arrived in the mailbox. It was from a woman who said, “My ex-boyfriend and I, Susan and Ward, are Chapter 35 in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. Our chapter is titled, Seeking an ‘intelligent and solvent’ man. Then she went on to explain why they aren’t together anymore. And then my worn-out Wednesday brain started thinking, “Humm, maybe that could be a future eNewsletter topic!”

My book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 is available on Amazon and my www.Finding Love After 50.com website or email me directly for a special price and signed copy.

So anyway, I hope I also get to use that initial column I wrote for today’s article soon. Knowing you Champs, I think you’d have a field day from what the widower wrote.

Around here, Wednesdays are never dull.

A recent widow sees no chance of dating again

Singer and songwriter Rod Stewart is mentioned today. The photo courtesy of TheScottishSun.co.UK

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

November 18, 2022

A Widow Sees No Chance of Dating Again

By Columnist Tom Blake

Married 40 years, a recent widow sees no chance of dating again

This week, I received an email from a recent widow. She gave me permission to share the email’s contents with our Champs. I will call her Maggie May, not her actual name.

Coincidentally, Maggie May is the name of a 1971 song by Rod Stewart. At the end of today’s article, there is more information on Stewart’s songs and a link to Maggie May, and another link to the flip side of that record, Reason To Believe.

Maggie May emailed, “I follow your articles in the San Clemente Times in southern California. I enjoy hearing the male perspective on dating. I haven’t noticed women writing to you saying something like this, so I will say it: ‘I am 60, recently widowed after 40 years of marriage (Covid took my college sweetheart), and wanting to date.’

“I tried the dating apps and failed. I am not willing to pay $5,000 for a professional matchmaker. I contacted a matchmaker; she was very nice initially. Then she found out my husband and I had opposite religious faiths, which was never an issue for us in 40 years. We celebrated both religions. She turned cold. It was shocking.

“Also, friends and family don’t know anyone for me to date.

“I am physically active. I volunteer and play sports, but I just don’t see a chance of dating again. Where do I start? Are you sure you aren’t a matchmaker?”

Tom’s response to Maggie May “Thank you for mustering the courage to contact me. By writing, you have already started to enter the senior dating arena. More importantly, please don’t give up on the chance of dating again.

“You are young, and just beginning your quest.

“You didn’t fail with online dating; it just didn’t work out for you. While online dating has been successful for some seniors, many feel as you feel, it’s not their cup of tea.

“And no, I’m not a matchmaker, but lately, a few south Orange County single guys around your age have contacted me. Perhaps you can exchange emails with them. Let me know if you want me to give you their email addresses.

“You said friends and family don’t help you. But consider this, perhaps a neighbor down the street or across town appeals to you but he isn’t available. You may not even be aware of him but your family members or friends might know him.

“However, life can change in an instant. That guy might become single overnight. He may feel like you, asking himself, ‘Where do I start?’ Keep reminding your friends and family that you’d like to meet a nice guy. Don’t give up asking them. It only takes one.

“Another indication that you have already started is by your doing volunteer work and playing sports, places where you meet new people. The important thing: Continue to get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy. Maybe even add a few more activities.

“Finding a new relationship doesn’t just happen. However, you can dramatically help make it happen by making interacting socially with people a top priority.

“If you see a man who appeals to you, and, who appears to be available (no wedding ring or maybe he winks at you), strike up a conversation or ask him a question, whether in the produce or wine section of a store, at church, or wherever you go when you are out and about. Be assertive, but not aggressive, and always be friendly and smile. Exude positive energy.

“Let’s say he’s already in a relationship. He might mention to you that he has a buddy who would like to meet potential mates and he’d be happy to introduce you to his buddy.

“I recommend you sign up for this free weekly On Life and Love After eNewsletter. Simply email me and I’ll add you, or you can sign up on the homepage of my website listed below. I attempt to answer all emails in a timely manner.

“Having lost Greta, my partner of 25 years, last month, I understand your loneliness and pain. Perhaps, via this eNewsletter, you’ll get some tips that might be helpful, or you might exchange emails with single men. I’ve often explained why I’m not a matchmaker to our Champs; I think they understand.

“Don’t give up; you are on your way to the senior dating arena.”

Tom’s comment about two Rod Stewart songs The song Maggie May became a number-one hit on the charts. It was the B-side of the record (the A-side was Reason To Believe). Maggie May features one of the most memorable “get-even-for- breaking-my-heart” lines I’ve ever heard:

“The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.”

Link to Maggie May by Rod Stewart

I like the A-side Reason To Believe better. Its opening words are also a relationship-misery classic: “If I listened long enough to you, I’d find a way to believe that it’s all true. Knowing that you lied straight-faced while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe.”
Link to Reason To Believe by Rod Stewart

And finally, thanks to so many of you for sending heartwarming thoughts and sympathy wishes to me, regarding my losing Greta three weeks ago. Together, let’s keep this eNewsletter moving forward.

Overwhelmed by Grief Farewell to Greta

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter November 4, 2022

Overwhelmed by Grief

By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week I wrote the longest eNewsletter ever, featuring 18 responses to the topic, Senior Sex. With or without a commitment?

Today, I am writing the shortest eNewsletter I’ve ever written.

My heart is heavy, my eyes have tears. On Saturday, October 29, at approximately 2 a.m., my life partner and best friend of 25 years, Greta Cohn, peacefully passed away, concluding a 130-day battle of attempted healing and recovery.

On July 11, Greta fell and broke her hip. She had been experiencing neurological issues that affected her balance and other symptoms. That day commenced her 130-day battle of a hoped-for recovery. The hip healed; the neurological symptoms worsened. The final two months were spent in our home under Hospice care with 24/7 caregivers assisting.

At home, she was loved, not only by me, but by her four children, eight grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. Also by her sisters and brothers. Not one day went by during that 130-day period without at least one of her family members visiting or being at her bedside.

I share this news with you today because you Champs are like family to me. Many of you have had similar experiences, either recently or in the past. Everyone faces unique challenges as they grow older. We all do the best we can to deal with those issues.

There are no services planned at this point, except for a family-members only scattering of her ashes near Catalina Island on May 6, 2023, which is three days before her 81st birthday. The reason it will be near Catalina Island is all four of her children–Terri, Tina, Tammi, and Tony were born on the island.

You probably are thinking, “What can I do to help?” My answer: “No flowers, cards, or gifts. Please just a prayer for Greta. She had a heart of gold. She taught special education children for 32 years.”

One last item. The healthcare workers who touched Greta’s life were incredible people. They loved Greta and she loved them. They are angels.

Thanks to all of you for being in my life.