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What do unwed senior couples call themselves? Part 2

September 7, 2018

Responses to what do unwed senior couples call themselves

My gosh, I received a bunch of responses to last week’s eNewsletter on what unwed couples living together, age 50+ couples call themselves. The responses were so good, I wanted to share some of them with you.

Kaitte responded with her suggestions, including her favorite:

“This is my Lady, this is my Man.”
“Mon Amour, French, meaning, Love of My Life,” (Kaitte’s favorite).
“My Partner.”
“My Best Half.”
“My Life Mate.”
“My Sweetheart.”
“Significant Other.”
“My Companion, Helpmate.”
“My Reason for Living.”
“My True Love.”
All Italian: “Amore Mia, Tesoro Mia, Cuore Mia, Cara/Caro Mia.”

Tom’s comment: As I pondered Kaitte’s list, I realized some were song titles or words from songs: “Cara Mia,” Jay and the Americans; “There Goes My Reason for Living, Engleburt Humperdinck; and “My True Love,” (an early 1950’s classic by Jack Scott, see link below). And the classic 1953 Dean Martin song, “That’s Amore.”

Art, Fla., “I enjoyed this article, since many of our friends are unwed senior couples. Joanie is 73 and I just turned 80. We’ve been together five years.

When I introduce her to friends who have not met her, I simply introduce her as “Joanie.” If I am referring to her with people who do not know her, I call her “My lady friend.”

I have never been asked if we are married, but most strangers assume that we are married. I see no need to complicate things, and just go on with the conversation.”

Trixie emailed: “This topic is mighty familiar. The only answer I’ve ever used that I like is, “He’s my main squeeze.” That isn’t an expression younger people are familiar with. I’m still refining my answers to suit the setting.

I notice my main squeeze seldom answers such questions. But several times he has said, “Friend.” Really? Hmmm.

Such questions can unintentionally call up personal issues the questioner isn’t aware of.

Repeat offenders get this from me: ‘He ISN’T my husband! We’re not married!’ (And as one restaurateur countered, ‘Really? Why not?’)

On cruise ships: open seating, same as you and Greta. We eat with different people almost every night. They just want to be correct, so my answers are not disputed.

Bonus story: we struck up a conversation with a young man at a cruise ship bar. He said he was traveling with his Father-in-law. A sentence later, he was waiting for his girlfriend to join him. That’s OK! Maybe we oldies aren’t The only ones without clear labels.”

Note from Tom: Hard to juggle—having a wife and a girlfriend on the same cruise ship-it better be a mighty large ship!

Trixie added, “Finally, loved your Sea View Pharmacy San Clemente story. We have a similar pharmacy, and a very special pharmacist. He has a gift for not caring about customers’ marital status, it’s never come up. In medical situations, I introduce my main squeeze as, ‘My friend, Main Squeeze.’ It’s never been questioned.”

Carmen, my Jackson High School, Jackson, Michigan, classmate, who lives in Mexico: “I introduce Karen as “My Lady.” She calls me “Carmen.” (his true name).

But we wear gold bands, so people almost never ask.

After a few months together, there was such a big smile on her face that I didn’t want her running around appearing to be unattached. So, I asked if she would let me buy her a gold band. She agreed.

The next day, she asked if I would wear one, too. How could I say no? I gave her a diamond ring on our 2nd anniversary.”

Champs Carmen and Karen reside in Mexico

Tom comment: Awe shucks, Carmen, in the 60+ years we’ve known each other, you’ve always been a romantic dude.

Marilyn: “I was married for five years and last year we got a divorce mainly due to issues his family had with our marriage. Should not have been their business but he did not stand up to them on my behalf at the time. We are together now as? We get along a lot better now than when we were married. We travel and spend time together and still love each other. We are platonic.

What would you call us? Ex-wifey, past partner, semi-spouse (liked that one), or what? For simplicity, I just say my husband and people accept that. Any help would be appreciated on a creative introduction name.

Tom’s suggestion: “A DBTFC.” (Divorced back together for convenience)

Linda, “Craig and I have been Registered Domestic Partners for the last five years. We have been together for 18 years. The State of California recognizes it like a marriage but the Feds have just recently been catching on.

I am on his employer-paid medical insurance. It works for us. It’s an easy form to fill out and have notarized and sent to the State. The requirements: one of us needed to be at least 62.”

Tom’s comment: So, do you introduce him as your “Registered Domestic Partner?”

Lisa, “I like the semi-spouse with the hyphen, but also wanted to mention what a friend calls her live-in partner:

‘My undocumented husband.’ This may be met with raised eyebrows or worse in our heavily, politically-correct society, but it is said with a smile and is definitely tongue-in-cheek.

I wish that people would stop being so easily offended at every little thing and regain a sense of humor. It makes life so much better.”

Lynne, “I vote for ‘My Best Friend.’ That’s who I thought of my 20-year partner Joe as. We were together by choice, not a piece of paper or a ceremony.

I believe we were ‘Soul Mates.’ I felt like I’d found the person I’d dreamed of meeting and he felt the same. On our first date, he held my hand and it apparently joined our spirits.”

Mick, a co-worker with me at the Victoria Station Restaurant Chain in the 1970s, said: “I introduce Mary Ann as ‘My sweetheart.’ She likes it. Others accept it. Few ask the follow up question for specifics.

The details don’t matter much these days. I think most people understand there are an infinite number of permutations that fall under the broader concept of ‘committed couple.’”

Sarah, “In the end, what difference does it make? Whose business is it other than the couples? I love the idea of keeping it simple.”

And the winner is? Whatever term fits your situation and feels natural to you. Lots of ideas in today’s article. For me, I like significant other best. It’s worked for 20 years.

You tube link to “My True Love” Jack Scott, a 1950s classic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihczg3RFZ-E

What do unwed senior couples call themselves?

August 31, 2018

In the 24 years of writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters about senior relationships, there is a question for which I’ve never had a good answer. Until now. Perhaps.

The question: What do unwed senior couples call themselves?

I was reminded of that question by Mark Flannery, Fullerton, California, who emailed: “Donna and I have been together for eight and a half years. We were having lunch in Dana Point (California) with Wally Horn and his partner of 30 years, Bobbi, and this question arose: ‘What do we call ourselves? Partners? Companions? Significant others? Boyfriend/girlfriend?’”

I can relate to Mark’s question. My partner Greta and I have been together for 20 years. We aren’t married. I still find myself wondering how to introduce her. Often, “Life Partner” comes to mind. It’s an okay term, but I still get a puzzled look from people who seem to be wondering what the heck a life partner is, or they think it’s a lame explanation for why we aren’t married.

Greta and I enjoy taking cruises. We always opt for open-seating at night in the dining room, which means we are usually seated with different people every night. Frequently, table mates ask, “How long have you two been married?” Greta and I look at each other and one of us responds, “We’ve been together for 20 years.”

Most couples accept that answer, thinking we’re married. It’s easier to leave it that way than trying to explain that we are significant others or life partners or whatever we are calling ourselves at the moment.

When Greta and I would visit my mom in her retirement community in Santa Rosa, when we were out socially with Mom’s friends, Mom would introduce Greta by saying, “This is Tom’s Greta.” That was her way of saying we were living together and not married, which she probably wasn’t entirely thrilled about.

One business who knows Greta and I aren’t married but live together are the fine folks at the Sea View Pharmacy in San Clemente, California. When I pick up my prescriptions there, they don’t say, “Do you want to pick up your wife’s prescriptions?” Instead, they ask, “Do you want your partner Greta’s prescriptions also?”

In his email, Mark Flannery added, “Donna and I are a LAT (living apart together) couple. She is 69, still working, and lives in Irvine. I’m 71, retired and live in Fullerton. We go back and forth between the two cities a lot.”

Mark added, “Our friend Wally is 84 and Bobbi is 75. They are both retired and have been together for almost 30 years. When we were talking about what to call ourselves, I floated an idea I’ve had for some time: ‘Semispouse.’

It received a favorable response from our little group. It isn’t perfect, but it seems to have some qualities the other labels lack. The term is included in the Urban Dictionary.”

At first, I thought the semispouse term a little bizarre, visualizing a semi-truck driver with his wife riding with him in the cab.

I looked up the term in the Urban Dictionary. It’s definition: “A significant other that plays the role of a spouse without being legally married.”

And then I decided, when written, the term semispouse would look better with a hyphen inserted: semi-spouse.

While semi-spouse for unwed senior couples will work for now, still, I’m all ears to hear our Champs’ suggestions for what to call unwed couples. Just don’t call us, “Old fogies living together!”

What do senior couples call themselves? Not old fogies that’s for sure. How about active, fun loving,energetic significant others or semi-spouses. Who cares really? Just go out and have a blast.

Senior Online Dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 24, 2018

Is Senior Online Dating: Productive? Quirky? Dangerous? Risky?

The answer: all the above.

Online dating has become a huge business. There are hundreds of sites. But does it work for seniors? Yes…and no. There are plenty of senior online dating challenges.

Productive? Many senior couples have found online dating success. I’ll name two as an example.

Jeanne emailed, “I met my man on OurTime. He contacted me in September, 2015. I didn’t meet him until March, 2016. We met at Starbucks. He was a wonderful man and we got along famously. We waited six months before taking the friendship to a LAT (Living Apart Together) relationship.

Recently, we decided to live together and chose my place! I not only gained a man in my life, but his dog and lizard, too! He’s even better than what I had described as my perfect mate!”

My partner Greta has a friend named Dominque. She met her Tom on Match.com. They turned a long-distance relationship into a marriage, when Tom moved from Sacramento to live with Dominque in her San Clemente home.

Quirky? It can be. Champ Gina, (Greta’s niece), 53, sent a text last week showing a personal ad she saw on Tinder, an online dating site. Gina wrote, “Tinder has a reputation for ‘casual’ relationships (umm, like a friend-with-benefits arrangement). What you see in the ads is all you get, one or a few pictures, a paragraph or nothing at all. You choose to meet based mostly on attraction to each other’s photo by swiping right on the photo. Swipe left and there is no connection.”

Gina added, “I thought you might find this guy’s ad interesting. It is an example of what not to say if you want to meet a nice woman.”

The man wrote: looking for sweet, smart, built, warm and tender, love to travel the world, if you want to have more fun than with someone you’ve ever had call me. Have to be pristine clean, love the warmth and the tenderness of a man, and if not, you’re not in my ballpark, only qualified people call me. Ps hookers and prostitutes do not call”

Tinder calls itself the world’s most popular dating site with 20 billion matches. People as young as 18 use it. The user reviews are filled with complaints about people being banned from the site without explanation. I do not recommend Tinder for seniors; besides, there is a fee.

In doing research on Tinder, I found a list of free dating sites. I am not endorsing or recommending any of them. It’s just a list.

https://www.lovedignity.com/top-20-best-free-online-dating-sites/

Dangerous? I read horror stories, including murders, of people who met on Tinder and other sites. Some as recent as July and August of this year. Doing background checks is a must when meeting strangers. Seniors are vulnerable online.

Risky? You bet. The October 21, 2017, issue of the Palm Beach Post (Florida) featured an article written by Debby Montgomery, a 52-year-old widow. She lost $1,080,762.43 to a Nigerian romance scammer without ever meeting the man in person.

He claimed to be an international broker of hard wood trees. When she called his company, they had never heard of him. Regardless, she kept sending money, even borrowing $100,000 from her parents to give him.

Debby fell in love with an image, which is insane; you can’t judge chemistry until you meet in person. Never trust or send money to someone you’ve never met. Don’t think you’re in love with someone you never met.

Senior online dating can be quirky, productive, risky and dangerous. Photo courtesy of Adobe Stock

Profile picture tips for senior women

One of our Champs, Dr. John, shared his tips for women, when posting photos to their online profile, based on his own experiences.

1. Smile for your profile picture – even if you have to have someone tickle your feet to make you smile! It’s unfortunate how many women have sad and/or angry profile pictures

2. Avoid photos where you look maniacally happy, as if you’ve just had a massive dose of cocaine – aim for happy and serene – if the whites of your eyes above the irises (colored parts of the eyes) are visible, you tend to resemble a maniac

3. No sunglasses – the eyes are the window of the soul – be sure your eyes are visible

4. No digital ‘enhancements,’ such as cartoon cat ears or whiskers-they are for tweens

5. No pictures of you and your ex, with your ex cropped out

6. Include a face portrait, and one full-length

7. Consider the background – I saw one woman with a very nice picture of her sitting at a restaurant, but the background was a full garbage can. In general, outdoors, and especially outdoors at a flower garden or beach are the ideal backgrounds for a woman

8. No pictures of you boozing it up, unless you’re looking for a drinking buddy – and yes, wine is booze (as a doctor, I’ve long noticed that men don’t consider heavy beer drinking to constitute heavy drinking, and women are the same with wine)

9. If there’s an activity you really like, such as golfing, or playing the piano, a picture of you participating is a great idea

10. The hands-down, best profile picture I’ve ever seen was a woman at a beach, laughing, while trying to hold an obviously very happy and squirming little dog (yes, I’m an animal lover).

Dr. John added, “Also, eliminate negativity in your written profile – I read one woman’s profile which stated, ‘I don’t like to be negative but’ – and then she proceeded to be negative. Anger and negativity aren’t attractive, unless you are looking for an angry and negative partner, which some are.”

Is senior online dating for everyone? Internet dating for seniors? Maybe. Maybe not. If you partake, be oh so careful and leery. Trust your instincts. It’s a mixed bag.

Senior Disgruntled Woman Blames Men

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 17, 2018

A Senior Disgruntled Woman Blames Men for Lack of Dating Success

In the January 11, 2018, eNewsletter, I wrote about LAT (living apart together) relationships. In the article, I quoted a male reader who said the 1976 song, “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight,” by England Dan and John Ford Coley described his relationship with his woman friend perfectly.

A woman Champ, age 69—now a former Champ–emailed a response to the man’s comment. I will not name her other than to give her the title, “Disgruntled.”

Disgruntled wrote, “The older and wiser I become, the more I understand how it’s been a man’s world, and that song you referred to, “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight,” started irritating me, when I realized it was about a non-committal,friend-with-benefits arrangement, which men are always looking for. It’s the same for senior men as young men.

“Somewhere in their middle ages, men are able to commit and settle into a real relationship, albeit many cheat even when committed. Then after the divorce, which they usually blame the wife for, they go back to their youth when it was all about ‘getting laid’ with no commitment.

“I’ve spent the last couple of years dumping guys (in their 60’s) who made it clear that’s all they want. It has made me feel I am not worthy of a man’s true love and commitment.
“The LAT relationship (living apart together) is perfect for men. They can do whatever they want when you’re apart. The woman may be sitting in her own house, painting pictures, but I doubt if the man is doing that; he’s probably on the dating sites checking out the candy store (as men have told me they see it), especially now when there are so many single old ladies to single old men. I am not cynical, just realistic.”

Note from Tom: Regarding LAT relationships, more senior women than men tell me they prefer a LAT-relationship arrangement.

Disgruntled continued, “I have nice male friends who still are old-fashioned enough to want a traditional relationship, and that’s what I would like.

“If you’re going to spend most of your time with someone anyway, why not have the financial benefits of sharing expenses and the legal benefits of having the doctors consult your significant other in an emergency?

“I don’t see why two people can’t live together and still have their separate interests and separate rooms, etc. To each his own, but personally I want someone I can go to sleep with every night and wake up with every morning, and not wonder if it’s ok to call them because they might be busy doing whatever.

“I don’t blame men for their wandering eye because it’s biologically programmed in them to spread their seed and produce children so the urge to mate is very strong. What I’ve seen is that a woman needs to keep a man close to her and be available because, as the Stephen Stills song says, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

“I interpret those lyrics to mean that men need to be near the one they love, or their eye wanders, a natural thing, but it’s behavior that can ultimately break up the relationship.

“With every man I meet, there is always something ‘wrong,’ and I’m just getting lonelier and more independent. The last one I recently met at one of the places I go to dance. It was the first time in four-five years I felt a real connection with someone, and he was so into me.

“After a couple of days of dancing and some long phone conversations, he found out I am four years older than he, and he said he needs to have someone in their 50’s. I am 69 and he is 65. I couldn’t believe it! So, life goes on…”

Remember, that email from Disgruntled was sent in January.

Last week, she emailed, “I have removed myself from all dating sites (including this newsletter) and decided I’m over the whole thing of trying to find a man; all of them have been crazy in one way or another.”

“You have to EARN friends-with-benefits status”

(photo courtesy of freeimages.com)

Comment from Tom: When people blame others for their lack of dating success, the first action they need to take is to look in the mirror.

Champ Fred responded to last week’s article about Jody who is in the “friend zone” with her ex. And since Disgruntled commented in her email above about some men wanting only “friends-with-benefits,” I include Fred’s comment: “Tom, you’re a pro. Jody says she is fun and ‘young’ for her age. By whose account? If Jody’s friend has benefits, I’d say he is in good shape. Poor Jody.”

And one final comment: I think it is time for an updated column on internet dating at our age. If you have any recent online dating experiences, please share them with us by emailing me. Thanks.

Remaining friends with an ex

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 10, 2018

Does remaining friends with an ex significant other send a message that you don’t want a new mate?

Jody emailed, “My partner and I split up two years ago, and we are now in the “friend zone.” At first, I was heartbroken, because I had wanted a commitment, but he didn’t love me that way. Now I feel like I dodged a bullet. He is not the right lifetime mate for me, though I love him dearly.

“Do you think by staying friends, spending time together as friends, that I’m giving the Universe the message that I don’t want a new love? Because I do!”

Tom’s reply to Jody: Interesting question. There are two issues here. First, sometimes, when a relationship ends, and we are hurt, we don’t realize it could become a blessing down the road. You subsequently found that he is not the right lifetime mate for you and you were fortunate you didn’t tie the knot.

When my wife of six years left in 1993, with no notice, I was angry, caught off guard, and confused. Only later, did I come to realize her leaving that way had been a blessing.

Why do you say he is not the right lifetime partner for you?

Second, unlike your situation, my wife and I did not remain friends. We are not enemies, over time one tends to forgive, but I have no interest in keeping contact. You say you love him dearly and have remained friends, and you spend friend-time together. You ask if that is sending a message that you don’t want a new love.

It could, if you are seen in public often together. A guy could see you, with him, and surmise that you are a couple. The guy won’t ask you out, even if he’d like to. He would not want to “hit” on another man’s woman.

Also, let’s say you meet someone when you are not with your friend. When you tell the new guy that your ex is now “just a friend,” the new guy might see it as a red flag; thinking you might decide to go back to him, since you love him so dearly. He wouldn’t want to take the chance.

I think it’s nice you are friends, but you may need to break the friendship chain somewhat to open opportunities for someone new in your life. That doesn’t mean you make a big deal out of distancing yourself, but slowly ease away.

Just Friends photo courtesy of Just Friends Photography

I know of couples where the guy broke up and married someone else. Now, after his divorce, they spend time together again “as friends.” But, the situation has gone on for years, and the woman is still stuck in the same rut, so to speak. Kind of like in the 1977 song by Rod Stewart, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” from the Foot Loose & Fancy Free album (link below). Time has passed her by, time that she could have used to seek a new relationship.

Jody stated: “Your comments, Tom, echo my own fears. I guess I don’t want to let go of him completely because at age 65, it’s nice to just have a man ‘around’ to do things with, and to lean on. But on the other hand, if I want a ‘real’ life partner, I am probably going to have to let him go all the way and give up the friendship.

“You asked why he is not the right partner for me. Without sounding judgmental or critical of him (I hope), I feel that he, at age 66, is ready to be ‘old,’ whereas I feel I’m just starting a new chapter and have plenty of energy and get up and go!

“I want to travel, learn new things, meet new people, and not ‘just sit around,’ and I feel he’s more content to be in a comfortable routine. All of this I realized in the two years since he broke off our romantic relationship, and now I’m so glad we aren’t married or otherwise committed and that I still live in my own place!

“I would love to hear the opinions of Champs who might be dealing with similar circumstances.”

Tom’s comment: If he sees you slipping away, he may decide to re-evaluate his life, and kick it in gear, by deciding not to be “so ready to be old,” to try to keep you from moving on. That could confuse the issue by adding baggage to your life and could contribute to not being able to keep a new man interested because of the baggage.

Yes, it’s nice to have a man around at age 65, but there could be a price to pay for that luxury: lost opportunity for a committed relationship. But, of course, there is no guarantee that you will find a new mate either.

We’ll see what the Champs have to say about being in the “friend zone” with an ex. And, whether they think that is sending a message that you aren’t interested in a new love.

Link to Rod Stewart version of: “You Keep Me Hangin’ On.” Time: 7:33

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N83uZp6uU4c

Shortage of single senior men

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 3, 2018

Shortage of single senior men

If I had a magic wand, I’d create single senior men and introduce them to single senior women (who often tell me they’d like to have a male companion).

I often receive comments in person or via emails from women regarding the lack of senior single men.

One woman emailed, “I read your article and thought of my mom, an incredible widow, 62, active, fit, positive, outgoing, fun-loving, an accountant for a large church, one of the most sincere and honest people I know.

My dad died of cancer 12 years ago and while she has dated a little and would like to meet someone, I’ve yet to talk her into internet dating and she insists it will just happen, kind of like the story you tell of meeting Greta. But where are the men?

After I checked your Finding Love after 50 website, I thought maybe you knew someone in a similar boat who wanted to be set up. I know it’s kinda crazy but the thought came to me, so I had to chase it!”

Lynn emailed: “Being 68 years YOUNG now, and three marriages later, I found you by mistake, as I googled San Clemente apartments and was lead to the San Clemente Times newspaper. The headlines of your 24 years of writing on love and life after 50, grabbed my attention!

I am a firm believer in the adage, ‘There are no coincidences.’ And, once again, reading your articles proved it.

My relocation from Washington state has not been easy. Reading many of your posts has lightened my heart and renewed my faith in ‘anything is possible at any age.’ Where do the men hang out?”

Mirtha emailed, “I am a single senior woman, a widow, who lives nearby and decided it was time to try meeting a male friend with whom to go dancing or watch a movie. But, I’m not seeking a boyfriend or husband.

I frequently attend public places. I go to all dances in local senior facilities. I attend all shows at the Cabrillo Play House and the Laguna Play House. I am not sitting at home waiting to meet a new friend, but the result is always the same: Senior couples, senior couples, senior couples, or senior ladies. Where are the senior single men?”

Tom’s 7 thoughts on the shortage of single senior men and meeting senior single men:

While each single senior woman has a different situation, I wanted to comment in general on the shortage of senior single men:

1. Understand that finding good men in the later years is difficult, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not meeting men. It’s not your fault. By age 70, senior single women outnumber senior single men by approximately three-or-four-to-one. Plus, women tell me that many of the men are not “dating material” or simply don’t date, so the ratio, is, in effect, even greater.

Last Saturday, Greta and I were invited to a 50^th wedding anniversary party in a nearby neighborhood. More than 100 guests filed in and out. Most were 70-80+ While I could be wrong, I saw only one single man, maybe early 50s, and he was there with his teenage daughter. There were several very fine widows there. I wish I had a magic wand to introduce them all to nice men

2. Consider online dating, especially if you live in a remote area, or small town. The internet can expand your reach beyond city limits and state lines, putting your name in front of thousands of men. However, I am not a big fan of online dating for seniors–too many flakes and kooks out there. Seniors are vulnerable to scams. It’s hard to know whom to trust. Follow your instincts.

But, online dating can be a tool for you to use to try to meet a potential mate. But, be careful

3. Get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities you enjoy. Check out Meetup.com to find activities in your area

4. Attitude is critical. In meeting people, be positive, friendly and smile. You never know when someone for you will enter your life. Always put your best foot forward

5. Make as many new friends as you can

6. People’s situations change. A married man could get divorced or become a widower. Of course, we hope that never happens. But it does; it’s life. And you might be the person who is a gift from above, or a shoulder tap, who gives renewed hope, and love, and companionship to a person who has a huge hole in his heart

7. Remember being alone and single is far better than being with someone who makes you miserable

If only I had a magic wand, I would create more senior single men and introduce them to senior single women.

Where are those single senior men?

Mama Mia! Here We Go Again. Senior Daytime Date in Palm Springs.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 27, 2018

Mama Mia! Here We Go Again. Senior Daytime date in Palm Springs

Greta and I were in Palm Springs last week-end. On Saturday, the temperature was hovering around 106 degrees. It was a perfect day—to be inside in air conditioning.

Greta said, ”You’re invited on a senior daytime date. And what better place to be inside than a movie theater?”

Along with Greta’s brother Carl, and his wife Kathy, we went to the 3:10 p.m. movie, Mama Mia! Here We Go Again, the sequel to the earlier Mama Mia that had been released the same week, 10 years before.

I mentioned a month ago in the Book Club column that I’m not much of a movie-goer. But, since the Mama Mia! soundtrack was ABBA’s music, my favorite group of all time, I was game for the matinee.

I have loved ABBA’s music since I first heard of it in 1974. I was sitting on a yacht in Sydney (Australia) Harbor having adult beverages with business clients. My Australian hosts raved about ABBA, a new singing group from Sweden, that had gained great popularity in Australia.

I bought the album, ABBA Greatest Hits. How could you not love the upbeat music of four Swedish singers named Anni-Frid, Bjourn, Benny and Agnetha (ABBA is an acronym using the first letters of each member’s first name)?

Benny and Bjourn wrote almost all their songs. I’ve listened to each song hundreds of times. For me, their music has never grown old. For this movie, they were listed as executive producers and both had cameo appearances.

In 2013, Greta and I were on a Holland America cruise that stopped in Stockholm for two days. We saw on a tourist map that there was a new ABBA museum in Stockholm. No ship crew members, including the captain, knew anything about it.

On day-two of our port visit, we took a city bus to a park on the far side of Stockholm where the map indicated the museum was located. After an hour, the bus passed a building with a red carpet leading up to it. That’s the museum, we surmised, and got off at the next stop, and walked back.

Lo and behold, it was the ABBA Museum. Lots of people milling around. Near the red carpet, there were TV cameras showing the peacock logo, as in NBC. At that moment, I didn’t connect the dots.

Opening day at the Abba Museum in Stockholm

We lined up to get tickets to tour the museum. The lady behind the counter said, “I’m sorry, this is our very first day, we are sold out, there are no tickets.”

Greta said, “We are from California, here on a cruise ship. Our ship leaves today at 5 p.m. We will never see it.” Then, Greta gave the woman one of my Picket Fence Media business cards. The lady said, “You are a journalist from Southern California?”

“Yes.”

“Let me check with my boss.”

She returned shortly. “Are you available to take a tour at 12:15?”

“For sure,” we replied.

We spent an hour in the ABBA Museum on it’s first day of being open and loved it. My biggest regret: not buying a “I was there first” t-sheet.”

I was there first t-shirt on opening day of the ABBA museum

When we came out, we took advantage of a photo opportunity.

ABBA impersonators of Anni-Frid and Agnetha, with Tom and Greta

We checked out the peacock cameras. I had seen similar cameras before, when I had been on the Today show twice. I said to Greta, “We aren’t leaving. The Today show is going to cover the opening. And, there is Natalie Morales-Rhodes, doing sound checks with Today in New York.”

We established a position four feet from Natalie. There were maybe 100 people gathered around.

Natalie Morales-Rhodes at the ABBA museum in Stockholm 2013

Then, a rumor started to spread that Bjourn and Anni-Frid were going to be interviewed by Natalie. With that rumor circulating, within minutes, virtually 10,000 Swedes descended on the red-carpet area. We could hear Natalie talking to Matt Lauer. There was a Swedish-buzz in the air; seldom did any ABBA members make public appearances.

Our ship was scheduled to depart at 5 p.m. We were at least one hour away by bus. It was 2 p.m. Delay, delay, delay. I started to think: Greta and I had to leave. But, finally, with easily 15,000 Swedes surrounding us, Bjourn and Anni-Frid appeared. It was exciting.

Bjourn and Anni-Frid (in sunglasses, to right of hand holding camera)

Greta had moved over to be in the shade, it was a bloody hot day. She was two inches from the two ABBA members when they entered and exited an adjacent building. She said, “They practically bumped into me.”

When the interview ended, I couldn’t find her, amidst the crowd. We had to catch a bus.

We made it back to the ship. Late. It hadn’t sailed yet. There were 15 other passengers on the bus with us. The ship wouldn’t dare leave with so many passengers ashore. And it didn’t.

So, going to the new Mama Mia! movie had special meaning to us. Because of the ABBA music, the beautiful Croatian setting, the talented actors and actresses, the movie was very entertaining, albeit a little trivial. There were flashbacks and flash-forwards that were confusing, especially for people like Carl, who hadn’t seen the original. Kathy kept explaining to him what was going on.

Also, Kathy’s family roots are from Sweden, which helped her understand all of the movie confusion.

For me, the “Dancing Queen” scene was the most enjoyable. Also, “Waterloo,” set in France, was lively. And the song “Fernando” was well done with Cher, playing a grandmother, singing a duet with Andy Garcia.

If you are an Abba fan, do not miss this movie. You’ll be on your feet dancing! It won’t win best picture, but it will contend for best musical score. Ah, it was a pleasant daytime date in Palm Springs in the sweltering heat.

Daughter wants widowed mom to remarry

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 20, 2018

Daughter wants widowed mom to remarry

Reggie the Lab arrives at his new home

Three Champs share wisdom

Daughter wants mom to remarry

During the summer months, I always get a boost in the number of inquiries I receive about people wanting to meet potential mates. Often, they do not say where they are located or provide enough details for me to be of much help to them, unless they include more information in a follow-up email.

Many of the emails originate on my Finding Love After 50 website. Anybody, any where in the world, can send me a message from that site.

For example, an email from Stephanie arrived this week. I could tell Stephanie was most likely not from the United States or Canada because she used the word “mum,” where we in North America would usually use the word “mom.”

Stephanie emailed, “I really want my mum, 50, to remarry; it’s eight years after my father passed away. I want her to get married to a man who is well-to-do and can take very good care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of. She is loving, caring, kind and affectionate. She is pretty as well.”

I replied, “Nice of you to write with the message about your mum. She is fortunate to have a daughter who cares about her. Some children don’t want their parents to remarry because no one can replace dad, or they are worried about losing their inheritance to a parent’s new love interest.

Is mum dating? Is she out meeting new people? Does she have email? I ask because every Friday I send out a no-cost eNewsletter titled, “On Life and Love after 50,” which is emailed to more than 2,000 people around the globe. She can sign up for that on the home page of the www.findingloveafter50.com website. That would be a good first step to help her to meet new people and for ideas on how to do it. Where is mum located? (I asked that because it’s important for people to know in case their interest in mum is piqued).

Your wish for her to marry ‘a man who is well-to-do so he can take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of’ is an interesting thought, which I classify as a giant red flag. If that requirement is posted in an online dating profile, every man in the world who would read it would likely run and hide. It’s not a man’s (or woman’s) job to take care of someone in the way that person deserves to be taken care of.

What would be more important, and the first order of business, would be for her to find a man who has similar qualities as she. You described those qualities as loving, caring, kind, affectionate.

Being attractive—handsome or pretty–is the frosting on the cake. Often handsome and wealthy people are nice people, but sometimes they aren’t nice people. Some feel their beauty entitles them to not put forth the effort a relationship requires. .

And then there is the issue of remarriage. As people reach the age 50 and 60 mark, many of them don’t want to remarry. Does your mom want to remarry? Or, is that what you want for her, so that you can feel she is going to be secure?

Or, would she be happy initially just meeting a good man and hanging out with him without marriage?

People who want to remarry above all else often scare off nice potential mates.

If mum wants to email me, have her do that. Does she work? We need to know more about her to help her. At age 50, she’s young. Are there children still at home?

More information would be helpful. Thanks for caring about her.

Stephanie responds

Stephanie clarified a few things when she wrote: “We are Nigerians, she’s self-employed and yes she wants to remarry.

She has kids and I am the last, I’m 20 so her getting married won’t be a problem, if the man is well-to-do it’s okay, he doesn’t have to be so wealthy and so handsome.

“Yes, she is ready to meet new people and she has an email address.”

Tom responded, “Sign her up for the Friday eNewsletter. It’s free and she can read it when she gets time. Go to the homepage and enter her name and email address.

I commend you, at age 20, for looking out for your mom. Keep me posted.

Comment on the http://www.FindingLoveafter50.com website

People often ask me how to view previous newsletters. About 5 years of recent ones are on the website along with lots of other material. To view previous newsletters, place your cursor on the green bar across the top of the home page where it says eNewsletters. You don’t need to click on it, just hover the cursor over it. A drop down menu will show Tom’s 2018 eNewsletters. Click on that. To the right side, you will see the recent ones listed. And, under Archives you can see them listed by each month in 2018.

To see many former columns listed under various categories, you can alsoclick on that same eNewsletters tab. Sounds complicated but it’s really simple.

You can repeat the process to view 2017, 2016-2013 newsletters. You can also see in the drop down box videos of interviews I did on the Today Show and Good Morning America. Email me if you have questions.

4 Champs: one woman, 2 men share their thoughts

Champ Pam, who is involved in the San Diego Orchid Society, emailed, “Just thinking about how people can meet–especially for the So Cal Champs, there are (floral) societies. In San Diego, the orchid, cactus and succulent, and bromeliad societies’ memberships have more men members than women. They host floral exhibitions, classes, and educational programs.

There are societies for bonsai, epiphyllum, plumeria, fern, palm, geraniums, herbs, arthropod, beekeeping, camellia, dahlia, Masters Gardner’s rose, shell, tropical fish, turtle, ikebana, rare fruit growers, California native plants. etc.

So if champs have an interest in a particular horticultural area, more than likely they will find a local society related to those plants. (Reference: website – sdbgf.org member societies. I know there are societies in Newport Beach, Saddleback, Palos Verdes, etc.)

“Also, our junior college offers a number of adult ed classes from ceramics, watercolor, computer classes, etc.”

And the two men

1 Joel, responding to last week’s eNewsletter: “Get a dog…” LOL! I’ve heard this more times than I can count and bless your heart if that companionship makes you happy. I observe many people give up on human love because it’s difficult. You have to compromise. Some turn to grandchildren, some to pets. Fine. However, please remember to mention the latest cute thing your “love” did once, and only once, in conversation lest you become a tedious, tiresome bore.”

And speaking of dogs, remember last week the picture of the liter of Labs with Reggie the chocolate Lab on the left. Well, Tracy and Hawk picked him up in Phoenix and brought him to his new home in California.

Reggie is getting used to his new surroundings

2 And this next email, surprised me, in a pleasant and positive way. Kevin, Publisher, Mature Focus newspaper, emailed, “I just wanted to let you know that your comment about you not writing in any Iowa papers isn’t exactly true. I run your column in our paper, Mature Focus. We are located in Eastern Iowa and Western Illinois. It’s very likely that Marcey read your column in our publication while in Iowa.”

Kevin is right, I do write for them. Mature Focus is a mighty fine publication. Laid out beautifully, interesting articles, nice color scheme. Kevin’s column is on page 4, my column is on page 40. Check it out.

Mature Focus website

Senior dating advice from senior singles

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 13, 2018 Tom’s readers offer senior dating advice

Each week, I receive emails from Champs. Most of your emails land in my inbox on Fridays, after the eNewsletter is published earlier that day. A few more arrive on Saturdays and Sundays. The rest of the week, a few still trickle in.

Most emails contain comments that pertain to that week’s newsletter topic. But not always. There are times when a Champ just wants to vent. It could be about a relationship issue, or how hard it is at our age to meet someone compatible, or any number of topics that pertain to senior dating and relationships. Often, Champs seek advice or want opinions from other Champs. And sometimes senior dating advice from senior singles is given as well.

I try to respond to every email, but occasionally one falls through the cracks, which is why on occasion I review older emails, to see what I overlooked. This week I reviewed comments that have come in over the last three months. There were some interesting ones that I decided to share with you today.

So, in effect, it’s the Champs who are writing today’s newsletter; I’m just the editor (and I do add a comment or two). As I’ve often said, I am impressed with our Champs’ intelligence, experience, sensitivity and caring for other people.

3 responses to the “Home alone with only dogs for company” newsletter

Helen wrote, “I was home alone with two cats before Phil came into my life. Now, there is an old dog and a bratty cat in our small family. The dog’s name is Rowdy! He’s a rescue from 2007, black and white, long-hair Chihuahua. but looks like a Papillion other than he has the short legs. And he lives up to his name!

“Thank goodness Phil is an animal lover. Otherwise he would not have been my ‘match.’”

Christine Baumgartner: “I think I started reading your column from the beginning. And I only sent you nice letters.”

Tom’s comment: Christine was referring to the women who asked, after reading my first column, “Who is this sniveling puke?” and “Get the boy a crying towel.”

Christine is right, she only sent nice letters; that’s the type of person she is and why she is such an accomplished relationship counselor. She has great empathy for people and has always contributed helpful, positive advice in a nice manner.

Gordon, an avid flyfisherman: “Enjoyed your newsletter this morning (“Home alone with only dogs for company”) and thought I would send you one impression of another writer; although I am not a writer for publication.

During the last two years of life with my wife, I too turned to writing as a therapy and escape from the burdens and emotions of care taking a loved one during her end of life. As I progress through the later years of life and evolve to being single, seeking a life-long partner, retired, and living alone, I have found some comfort at times to again write.

I continue to write letters, stories and journal entries of what life is and to later read them to see my emotions and feelings at that time. Not for publication, but for release from ill feeling, voicing joy of good times, and lessons to be learned.

For me, this is and has become therapy and lessons to learn by. As I look back and read what I was feeling at another time I can see how I was wrong, right, happy, or what made me not so happy.

“Yes, writing is therapy and continues today.”

Comment to Gordon: As a writer, I could not have said it better. By writing things down, you can look back and see—and understand—what and why you were feeling the way you were feeling at that time, and how your thinking has changed since then. Yes, writing is therapy.

3 Champs comment on downsizing

Jack of All Trades, “Pat’s letter (Pat Buttress column from two weeks ago) and her mother’s letter were very touching. Thanks for sharing them. An even bigger thanks to you for broaching the subject of senior downsizing. I can’t tell you how much distress this topic has caused me, and I am NOT downsizing.

The mere mention of the word (‘Have you thought of downsizing?’) implies that I am not living right and strikes me as critical. (Usually the people commenting have not downsized either).

My reasons for not wanting to downsize include that I can’t think of anything more depressing. I live in my house, struggle with arranging all the maintenance tasks that come up. I have no kids. And you know what? This house is my HOME and contains many reminders of good times. I have a close guy-friend, since being widowed— and he’s NOT trying to get me to ‘downsize.’

“Good to get this off my chest.”

Comment from Tom: I agree, senior downsizing may not be for everyone. But, I hope people who don’t want to downsize at least clean out the clutter. In Dana Point, there was a famous local writer named Doris Walker. In her later years, she acquired so much writing clutter, that the firemen were unable to save her and her husband from their burning home because of all the clutter in the way.

Bill, Dallas, Texas, “Regarding senior downsizing: I have found that if I take one section of the house at a time, I am better off than trying to do a lot at one time. For instance, it took me a week to clean out the garage and throw away boxes full of memories I had saved. I try to break up the process to give myself an emotional re-charge before starting on another section of the house. This is a time-consuming effort, besides being an emotional effort.”

Comment from Tom: Bill is a senior swimmer for the Masters of South Texas swim club, located in San Antonio. Bill went to a swim meet at Texas A&M last weekend. He said, “Had a pretty good meet. Won 4 individual events (50, 100, 200 and 400-meter freestyle) plus was on three winning relays. About the only good thing about being 81 is the lack of competition. The meet was in a 50-meter pool in College Station, Texas.”

Members of the Masters of South Texas swim club. Tom’s brother Bill is in back row, right of center, next to tall guy, yellow t-shirt, just below Texas state flag. This is one of most accomplished seniors swim clubs in the world. Photo courtesy of Masters of South Texas

Bill and his relay teammates hold many world records for their age bracket. How do I know all this? Bill is my brother.

Terry and Daeng, “After 10 years together traveling back and forth twice a year between Thailand and the USA, we are downsizing and moving totally to Thailand. It is a very emotional time as we are going from a house I have lived in for over 20 years down to four suitcases. Well, maybe five suitcases and a 4″ shipping tube for some oil paintings that we are taking off the wood frames. I think what is helping is the old Amish teaching of “Less is better.”

Where to look for love?

Where can I go to meet someone is the most difficult question I have no answer for (especially in Iowa)

Marcey emailed, “I just read a column you wrote in an Iowa magazine for over 50. I’m in Iowa for the summer, live in Florida, a widow for five years, 70, and thinking about enjoying a companion! Where do I start?”

Tom’s comment: I’m puzzled. I’m wondering how my column appeared in an Iowa magazine? I don’t write for any Iowa magazines. And then, there’s the Iowa part of Marcey’s question. I mean no disrespect for Iowa but have two recollections about the state of Iowa I wanted to share.

I remember when Andy Rooney did a CBS TV special, on April 20, 1976, called, “Andy Rooney Goes to Dinner,” which featured the finest restaurants across America. He added humor to his comments. In the special, Rooney said he included Iowa in his search for great restaurants, but, it ended up being a non-stop trip across the state. So, seeking a mate in fine-dining restaurants in Iowa isn’t recommended.

In the mid-1980s, I was selling specialized computer hardware and tendency-analysis software to athletic departments of major universities. I was fortunate to get appointments at both Iowa State University, located at Ames, and the University of Iowa, located in Iowa City. I got these appointments because of contacts I had within the Athletic Department at the University of Michigan, my alma mater.

I drove between Ames and Iowa City, 137 miles; it took a little over two hours. Driving those two hours, I was able to hear Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard sing “Poncho and Lefty” on the car radio 18 times by flipping around all the country stations on the dial. I didn’t listen to any talk show hosts discussing how to meet men on that trip because nearly all the stations were country.

So, I don’t know what to tell Marcey regarding where to meet a senior companion in Iowa. Maybe she should resume her search when she returns to Florida in the autumn, where there are a lot more, older single men than in Iowa. But, the problem is: there are also many, many more, older single women in Florida, so the ratio of single women to single men is very large there. What a dilemma: finding love in Iowa or finding love in Florida?

If Marcey is willing to get out and meet new people in Iowa, she just might meet a companion. Her chances may be better there than meeting a man in Florida. We never know where or when we’re going to find love. Be yourself, smile, have fun and Go Hawkeyes and Go Cyclones.

And to tie today’s eNewsletter together, we finish with Champ Doug, who ends today’s eNewsletter with comments and advice:

“I can’t thank you enough for your unstinting efforts to bring life and love after 50 to the 50-and-over set. I look forward to your message every week.

I’m closing in on my 80th birthday without a Serious Romance in the last twenty years or so, but I’m still enjoying the hunt and whatever other joys life may bring.

“For anyone out there who thinks they’re missing out on love, I have one bit of advice: Get a dog!”

Tom’s comment: In an amazing moment of timing, at the end of editing the newsletter, as I was reading Doug’s last sentence yesterday morning, a text arrived on my phone at that exact moment. It was from a friend of mine and his wife, both of whom I’ve known for 25 years. Tomorrow, they pick up their new dog in Arizona, a chocolate Lab. He sent me a photo of the litter; their dog, “Reggie the chocolate Lab,” is on the left. This picture will melt your heart. It did mine.

Reggie is on the left. My friends Hawk and Tracy pick him up tomorrow

Tom Blake 24 years of writing columns

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – July 6, 2018

There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter. Tom Blake columnist.

Part One – Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”

I reply: “No journalism school. I’ve been writing for 24 years. I learned to write sitting on barstools, while trying to meet women after my divorce.”

That answer probably needs an explanation.

On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years, and her two boys, decided they’d had enough of me. While I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, they took what furniture and belongings they wanted and moved out of my life.

I had no clue that was going down. Oh, I knew we had some issues to discuss, but most couples do. I found out the morning after Christmas when my wife telephoned me at Mom’s and told me.

On the drive home, I had a notepad in my lap. When you’ve got nine hours to drive, a million thoughts go through your mind.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left water in two days?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first?

By trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad. My writing career had begun, although I didn’t know it.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I got served. With divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become a divorced-man’s diary. That divorce turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill. Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s and other Orange County singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. On those barstools is where I learned to write.

After five months, I put the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought, maybe I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in the city where I lived.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to a meeting at their office.

At the meeting, their first question: “What do you have in mind?”

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from the male-point-of-view.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your woe-is-me adventure.”

“Home alone, with only dogs for company,” was the title of my first newspaper column. It appeared July 7, 1994–24 years ago tomorrow–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him”

Welcome to the dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, the Register itself, the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity.

Seven years ago, I was blessed to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch, in south Orange County, California. I am very lucky to have this incredible opportunity to write for newspapers that are still printed. How so?

On Tuesday, July 3, the Boston Globe newspaper published an article by Evan Horowitz that stated, “The newspaper industry has declined faster and fallen further than some of the most famously collapsing sectors of the American economy. Coal mining, steel manufacturing, fishing.” Since 2000, newspaper employment has fallen by more than 60 percent…

“Nearly 300 English-language daily newspapers have disappeared from the US landscape in the past 20 years….Florida, California, New Jersey, and Michigan have each lost roughly 70 percent of their newspaper jobs…In San Diego, newspaper employment is down 83 percent since 2002.” So, I’m very fortunate to still have my articles printed by functioning newspapers, published by hard-working Americans.

And even though this is off-topic, I have to say this: I was devastated with the mass shooting at the Capital Gazette newspaper office in Annapolis, Maryland, last week. So senseless. Each of the five killed reminded me of someone I know.

The number of columns and eNewsletters I’ve written in 24 years—approaching 4,000.

Why was that divorce 24 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought two appearances on the Today Show and an appearance on Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I’ve shared so many incredible experiences in the 20 years we’ve been together, I don’t have time to write about them all.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 24 years? Not much. Except now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, it includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible and one of the biggest issues single seniors still deal with is loneliness.

Adversity leads to opportunity

Often, adversity leads to opportunity. For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is at the time–to look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the adversity pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it and follow your instinct. It will help you heal.