On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 23, 2018
by Tom P Blake
Dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s Disease
Larry, 76, Toronto, emailed, “Re last week’s eNewsletter about dating a deceased friend’s spouse, I’m in a similar situation. My wife has advanced Alzheimer’s disease, and no longer knows me. She’s been in a nursing home the past few years, and so I’m living a single life.
I’ve reached a point, where I’m ready for a new relationship. I’m really missing female companionship, in all its forms, and need that to change. I’ve started reaching out (with the full blessings/support of family, friends, and professionals), and have dated several women, all of whom are aware of and ok with my situation.
By the same token, I’ve also been rejected by several other women who are uncomfortable with the situation. So, as the article concludes – there is no right or wrong answer. Each individual caregiver needs to do what feels right to him/her.
Tom’s response: On the Finding Love After 50 Website, there are three articles I previously published on this topic under the article categories. It’s the first category listed. Here is the link to those articles:
Larry: “Great! I’m off to visit my wife in the nursing home, and will check the articles later this afternoon.”
And then later, Larry wrote: “I just finished reading the three articles, and what struck me immediately, is that I can relate to most of the content in all of them!
“To give you some context, my wife and I have been together for 29 years, and until she went into long term care more than two years ago, we had never spent one night apart. As a matter of fact, we were rarely apart at all, as we worked together. What was our work you might ask? We were relationship counselors, helping couples deal with relationship issues. So, believe me, I can fully understand the issues facing the people in these situations.
“The bottom line for me (and I know my wife would agree), is that one must be true to self, and do or not do what he/she believes to be right. Although input from friends, family, professionals, clergy, etc., may be welcomed, and of some use, ultimately, the decision rests with the individual(s)/couple.
“In my case, I do have the full support of family, friends, and professionals, to reach out/date/socialize, etc., and if I do find another ‘special one,’ then, a committed romantic relationship would be welcome. That new relationship would not preclude my love for my wife, nor impinge on my visiting her regularly.
Comments from Champs (readers) to this article on November 30, 2018
Last week’s topic, dating when a spouse has Alzheimer’s, was/is a controversial topic.
I am aware of that. A small number of Champs responded in horror that someone would venture out despite a spouse being in advanced stages of Alzheimer’s. They are sticking by their wedding vows forever. End of story. Regardless of what happens.
One person who feels that way was critical of others who feel differently.
Others, particularly, those who have experienced a similar situation, or are currently experiencing it now, take a much more understanding and empathetic point of view.
My thoughts: This is a topic that couples (not just married couples, but, any committed couple) might want to discuss “what if?” while they are both lucid, clear thinking, and far before the issue presents itself. What each couple decides is right for them is exactly that: right for them.
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 16, 2018
by Columnist Tom Blake
Should this widow feel guilty about dating a deceased friend’s husband?
Champ Donna, a widow since 2011, emailed, “My friend passed away from cancer two years ago. Her husband is the man I am talking to now. We live in two different Eastern states, not too far from each other. We are both in our early 60’s, and at the end of this year, we are retiring.
I didn’t know him at all. I have seen him three times in the past 30 years for about 10 minutes just to say hi.
My friend said that she and he never got along over 25 years of marriage. She told me some things about him, but I never commented or added anything that was negative because I did not know him.
I would always try to fix things with my feedback about whatever was going on, as to how she felt about him. My friend–rest her soul–was very opinionated, controlling and bossy with her husband and the children, which I witnessed one of the three times I saw him. It got to a point when my friend and I talked over the phone, we never talked about him.
We talked three times a year, but I was the one that would call, until that one day she called me to tell me she had cancer. By this time, she and he had been separated for 10 years. Now she is gone…their children are grown and on their own, and are not close to him, because of her.
He and I have been talking over the phone for two years. We have become good friends and have a lot in common. I would like to see him, but I have guilt that he was my friend’s husband, hanging over my head.
Now, we are just friends. But what I am feeling guilty about is…if we do start seeing each, how would his grown children feel about us being together?
His marriage and family life were calmly dysfunctional…if you can picture that. We are both reluctant, but I know we will see each other soon. We are not getting any younger.
We are both healthy and able to still have fun before we die, so why not? BUT THE WIDOW GUILT?”
My response to Donna: “Ditch the guilt. Your friend had been separated for 10 years. They had a miserable marriage. Why worry about his children? You say he is not close to them.
If you enjoy each other, go for it, now! Live in the present.
Have you been together in person at all? Do that. You might find you want to be together or you may find you don’t.
You weren’t that good of a friend of hers-talking to each other only three times a year.
One concern: if the family is dysfunctional, do you want to get involved in that?
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter – November 9, 2018
by Columnist Tom Blake
My partner Greta and I are on an 82-day Grand Asia & Pacific Cruise. We have just completed 40 days and tomorrow, November 10, we will visit Singapore for two days.
This week, I received this email from a woman Champ, one of my e-Newsletter readers. I did not edit it, this is the way it came in:
She wrote: “Sounds like a trip of a life time, but Tom did you ever think that maybe these wonderful trips that you take and share with us maybe is a depressed feeling for those who cannot take these trips! for many reasons, one for lack of money or health problems, lacking a partner to go with, I know it makes me a little down at times, just a thought for you.”
My response: I appreciate you taking your time to express your thoughts. I am very aware there may be other Champs who feel as you do.
In the first newsletter about this trip, even before we left Los Angeles on September 30, I wrote: “Greta and I are truly blessed in our retirement, to be able to physically and financially afford to travel to distant lands. We do not take that for granted. We realize there will come a day when we can’t. And we also realize that not all seniors can take a trip like this.”
When I blog or write about travels, many Champs and newspaper readers tell me they enjoy traveling with us vicariously. Nearly all say they want to hear about the trips.
The last thing in the world I want to do is make people feel depressed by my writing.
Greta and I worked very hard to be able to travel. She was a special education teacher for 31 years who raised four children as a single mom. I worked until I was 75. So, we feel we earned the right to travel as we do.
And, I just happen to be a journalist. I write for nine newspapers and every week I publish an e-Newsletter at no cost to my Champs. For years, the newsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50” and I charged for it.
Several years ago, I made the decision that I wanted to write about more than just finding love later in life. I wanted to write about whatever I felt I could do a good job on. So, I changed the name to “On Life and Love after 50.”
And when I travel, I can do a good job writing about it because I am personally experiencing it. I think Greta and I represent people in their mid-to-late 70s well, by setting an example of discovering these countries on our own, seldom taking organized tours. We walk, sweat, are aware of our surroundings and try to avoid uneven sidewalks and steps, and understand the different currencies in all of these countries. It isn’t always easy, or pretty how we do it, but we’re out there.
I stopped charging for the newsletter so that people wouldn’t feel they were being shortchanged by not receiving what they signed up and paid for. And if they didn’t like what they read, they could simply unsubscribe, or just not read that week’s edition.
I have received so many positive comments about these few travel newsletters that I’m totally surprised—and inspired to keep writing about this 82-day trip. One week I had close to 40 positive responses.
We have reached the half way point on this trip.
Champ Andree emailed this week: “I love hearing all about your travels. Thank you for sharing and please keep sharing. Have a fabulous time wherever your headed in this terrific adventure. Peace and safe travels.”
Greta is happy to be home after 82 days of cruising
Journalists can’t always write about what makes people happy. That’s not a realistic view on life. I hope I haven’t depressed too many people with these tales of our experiences. If anything, I’m trying to inspire seniors to get out and experience life as best they can.
One thing I will say. Not taking a trip because you don’t have a partner with whom to travel is no reason why not to go. There are many single women on this ship traveling by themselves. One is 97-years-old. And there are many women who are traveling with women friends. There are single women in walkers, electric scooters, and using canes. That didn’t stop them; one can only admire their dedication to living life to the fullest, despite their physical challenges.
So, to this woman reader I say this: If I write about a senior dating success story, where two seniors have found happiness together–and you haven’t–should I stop writing about dating successes? Of course not. The same goes for our travels. If you find reading these positive stories makes you depressed, you have a choice: don’t read that week’s issue, or (and I hope you don’t do this), simply stop reading what I write.
I put my heart and soul into my writing, and that’s the way it’s going to be.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 19, 2018
Remarriage: Don’t relinquish a pension
In today’s eNewsletter, I want to address a question I received from Champ Carole. She wrote, “I’m living in Gardnerville, Nevada with my boyfriend and happily so.” Carole’s email had a senior dating issue inside. A possible pitfall when seniors remarry, or at least are considering remarriage.
Carole continued, “A gal friend just called me. She is a widow, as I am, and has a new guy friend. They want to get married in June. She has government retirement income from her late husband and is concerned about losing it if she marries. Her guy friend is retired and has good income and a big house. He seems to be a very nice guy—a widower, with two grown sons—one of whom lives with him.
“I wanted her to be able to contact you for advice—she doesn’t use email! Could I buy her a book of yours to help her? Any advice you could pass along to her would be helpful.
“My guy friend and I are trying to help her but feel kind of inadequate. I hope you can get this while on your cruise.
My response: “I have nothing against senior remarriage. In fact, this week, friends of mine and Greta’s, Tom and Artis, who live in Arizona, and have been together for nearly 20 years, announced via email that they got married on October 15. After I picked myself up off the floor of our stateroom from their surprise news, I congratulated them.
However, there is one exception to seniors getting married where I think it’s a bad idea. And that’s when a spouse would forfeit a guaranteed pension from a deceased spouse.
Carole, your friend should not get married, unless there is something about her situation that has not been revealed. What does she gain by getting married? Senior dating and adult children often don’t mix.
The government income is guaranteed. Marriage isn’t. It doesn’t matter that he has a big house and nice income. What if he decides after a month of marriage that he isn’t happy? She’s out and, also out her pension. Or, what if he unexpectedly passes away before arrangements are made to provide for her financially?
There might be exceptions: If he puts her on the deed to his house before getting married (might be a slim chance of that with a grown son living there), and, or, he adequately provides for her in a pre-marital agreement. I still think remarrying is a bad idea for her.
Phil Green and Laurie Dey wedding with Tom Blake as Officiant in 2008
I married the above couple in 2008. It was a great idea and they are friends of ours and happy in 2019.
Carole’s friends can have a great relationship without getting married. Having a grown son living with him is also a red flag.
As far as a “Finding Love After 50” book, I can have one mailed to you one from California, but, it wouldn’t be autographed because I’m on a cruise.
If your widow friend has more questions, she can give them to you and you email them to me.
Carole responded: “Thanks for the advice—that’s exactly what we said but, it sounds better coming from you. If you could get me a book I will give it to her.
This is a great community, and we’re keeping busy with many activities at our fabulous senior center. I volunteer at the local museum, joined the Elks club, enjoy swimming at a beautiful swim center (6 indoor pools) and hike occasionally with my man-friend.”
On Life and Love after 50 e-Newsletter October 12, 2018
Senior Cruising: People you meet on board
by Columnist Tom Blake
My partner Greta and I are on day 13 of an 82-day Grand Asia & Pacific cruise. There are approximately 855 passengers and a crew of 700 the ms Amsterdam, a Holland America Line ship.
I estimate that 70 percent of the passengers are age 60+. Most are retired, some are married or traveling with a significant other. Many are single but traveling with a friend. During the first two weeks, we’ve met many interesting people.
If you ask passengers what they enjoy most about cruising, many will tell you it’s the ports they visit. Our first two ports were Dutch Harbor, Alaska and Petropavlovsk, Russia; there are 30 more to go.
Other passengers will say it’s the amenities: you don’t have to prepare meals, or take the dirty dishes to the sink, or even make your bed, those things are all done for you on a cruise.
But some passengers–Greta and I included–consider a cruise’s highlight to be the people you meet on board.
Greta and I prefer what’s called open-seating at dinner. You dine with different people most every night. You have time to talk to them over dinner and get to learn a bit about them.
Almost always, the first question when meeting new people: “Where are you from?”
The first couple we met were from San Antonio, Texas. They boarded the ship in Seattle, before it came to Los Angeles.
At dinner the second night, we dined with a California couple who live in Camarillo, California, but own onion farms in the vast Central Valley north of Los Angeles. They explained how hard it is to make a living at farming because of the lack of irrigation water coming from the California Delta area.
The man said, “The situation could be fixed by the authorities simply turning the pumps back on.”
A woman named Elena, originally from Romania, now residing in Canada, also was at our table. She explained that her husband was too busy to travel so she was a married woman traveling alone.
On the third day, we met eight new people, four at a small gathering in one of the ship’s lounges: a woman from Dallas, another woman named Barbara from New Orleans, and a married couple from Colorado.
The other four we met at dinner. Two of them said they were traveling together. I guess you could consider them to be a LAT relationship (living apart together) couple.
The man, Clyde, from Gulfport, Mississippi, had worked with Corrine’s husband before the husband had passed away. Corrine lives in Washington, D.C.
At the same table, there was another couple from Mississippi, who had driven four days to Los Angeles to save on airfare. However, they had parked their car for 82 nights in a nearby lot, which cost them $750.00. Plus, they stayed in hotels going to the ship and returning home. Flying might have been cheaper.
A couple of days later, we met another couple living in a LAT relationship. Frank, a former Department of Defense employee, who resides in Macon, Georgia, and Linda, who lives in Victoria, British Columbia. They met by coincidence on a previous cruise. He had purchased a vacation condo in Florida. His realtor had a client who wanted a winter, “snow bird” rental. Frank rented it, came on the cruise, and met Linda.
He was a character with multiple entertaining stories about his top-secret DOD life.
The other two at the table were women in their late 70s who met on a cruise eight years before. One was from Vienna, Austria, and her friend was from Florida. They said they enjoy traveling together.
Greta met a woman named Gillian at a seminar who said she was originally from Liverpool, England. Greta said, “Oh, did you grow up watching the Beatles?”
Gillian said, “No. I’m only 60; the Beatles were before my time.”
Later, I sat next to Gillian and her husband Jim while watching an NFL game on TV in the sports bar. Gillian was wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey.
I said, “Green Bay fan, eh Gillian?”
“Of course,” she said, “We are cheese heads; we live in Wisconsin.”
One morning at breakfast I saw a guy who looked so much like Johnny Cash I about fell over. I worked with and knew Johnny well in the 1970s. The next time I saw him, I introduced myself and told him how much he resembled Johnny. He said his name was Alex and he was honored and suggested we get together for dinner with he and his wife. He grew up in England and his wife in Germany and now they live near Vancouver, British Columbia.
Turns out, Alex and Kirsten were dance instructors on the ship.
Alex (Johnny Cash look-a-like) & Kirsten and Tom and Greta in the dining room of ms Amsterdam
Here is a picture of me, my sister Pam, and Johnny Cash in 1993. Doesn’t Alex look like him? Same height, same facial structure, and same smile.
Tom, Johnny Cash, and Tom’s sister, Pam Peters, in 1993.Photo taken in 1993 at Humphrey’s By The Sea in San Diego
Another night, we had dinner with an intriguing couple. The man was 6’ 2” and his wife was 5’ 1”. He was also from a small town in Germany and she was originally from South America. They met while working for the same high-tech company. They now live in Carson City, Nevada.
The other couple eating with us that night were Diane and John from South Carolina, near Charlotte, North Carolina. They are retired and said they’ve taken several world cruises.
A couple of mornings ago at breakfast, a guy wearing a bright red tee-shirt with “Alabama Football” emblazoned across the front asked if he could sit at the table where I was having coffee.
I said, “Of course, but it’s about that tee-shirt you’re wearing.” He laughed and asked who I followed in college football.
“I’m a Wolverine,” I said. He laughed and said, “Poor guy, Michigan just can’t win the big games.” We exchanged friendly football barbs.
At a table near us, we both heard I guy mention Alabama. The guy at my table tapped the other guy on the shoulder and pointed to his tee-shirt.
“Roll Tide,” the other guy said, which is what all proud followers of Alabama football say.
Barbara, the woman from Louisiana we had met at the small cocktail party a few days earlier, sat down at our table next to the swimming pool. She said her son had studied computer programming at LSU and worked for Twitter in Silicon Valley. He had previously worked at Google.
She said she was dumbfounded that her son and his wife had just purchased a fixer-upper home in Mountain View, California, south of San Jose, in the heart of Silicon Valley, for $1.8 million.
She told them they could buy a home in Louisiana for $80,000. “But, it’s an investment, Grandma,” he said. (My partner Greta could relate; he grandson Andre and his wife Lindsay just purchased their first house in Los Angeles for about $1.3 million.
And finally, yesterday at breakfast, we sat with two women who said they were recently widowed. The have known each since they were age 14 and enjoy taking trips together. They are from Norway. One of the women said her son is the President of Holland America Line.
I said, “Wow, I bet you have a nice stateroom.” She laughed and said, “Well, it is on the seventh deck.” (the deck with all of the luxury suites.)
So, you can understand why Greta and I enjoy meeting the other passengers on board the ship. Everybody has a story to tell. And it always amazes us the diversity of areas from which the people come.
October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean
Yelling or being yelled at doesn’t help anything
by Columnist Tom Blake
Before leaving on this cruise that my significant other, Greta, and I are currently taking, I read an article titled, “Don’t make excuses for a husband’s yelling.” It was written by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist using a format similar to Dear Abby, dated September 2, 2018, in the Washington Post.
I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.
I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry yelling mate.
And then, on September 28, I received even more inspiration to write on the topic when Champ Christine Baumgartner, a knowledgeable relationship coach, with whom most of you are familiar, posted a simple notice on the On Life and Love After 50 Facebook group that read:
“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”
So, out here on the Pacific Ocean, as our ship heads toward Dutch Harbor, Alaska, I studied Ms. Hax’s article. A woman had written Hax stating: “My husband is wonderful, supportive, kind…We have been together a long time and love each other dearly.
We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry, he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.
I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.
I feel like he gets so angry, so quickly, over so many things that it makes me reluctant to tell him things that are negative…I know we are both at fault: He needs to control his temper and I need to be less sensitive.”
The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”
Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”
Based on my experience with my yelling, former girlfriend, who would slowly get angry and raise the sound level of her voice to screaming level, as if she had an anger accelerator within her body, although I had done absolutely nothing to trigger it, I learned that people must extricate themselves from this type of relationship.
Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.
It was hard to end the relationship because I cared, but as stated in Christine’s Facebook post, being disrespected—and being yelled at is just that—isn’t worth the “but I love him” title.
Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.
When my yelling girlfriend and I went to counseling, as we walked from the car to the counselor’s office, she said, “Don’t tell her the truth.” And got angry when I tried to explain that that was why we were there. We never went back.
If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.
Part 2 -Cruise update
We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.
Internet is iffy because it’s done via satellite. We usually can access our email accounts, but opening websites like Facebook or CBS Sports is sporadic at best. Probably like most passengers, we’ll try to get in some internet action while ashore in Dutch Harbor.
On Tuesday, we met 12 people–two at lunch, six at a small cocktail party and four at dinner. Two were from San Antonio, Texas, one from Dallas. Three from Mississippi, two from Colorado, two from the Imperial Valley in California, one from Atlanta, and one from New Orleans.
Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.
October 5, 2018, aboard the ms Amsterdam in the north Pacific Ocean
Being yelled at doesn’t help anything
by Columnist Tom Blake
Before leaving on this cruise that my significant other, Greta, and I are currently taking, I read an article titled, “Don’t make excuses for a husband’s yelling.” It was written by Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist using a format similar to Dear Abby, dated September 2, 2018, in the Washington Post.
I could relate to what Ms. Hax wrote. Before I met Greta 20 years ago, I was in a committed relationship–not a marriage–with a woman who yelled at me.
I decided to save the article until I had ample time aboard ship to deal with the topic of dealing with an angry, yelling mate.
And then, on September 28, I received even more inspiration to write on the topic when Champ Christine Baumgartner, a knowledgeable relationship coach, with whom most of you are familiar, posted a simple notice on the On Life and Love After 50 Facebook group that read:
“But I love him isn’t a good enough reason to stay with a man who doesn’t treat you with respect.”
So, out here on the Pacific Ocean, as our ship heads toward Dutch Harbor, Alaska, I studied Ms. Hax’s article. A woman had written Hax stating: “My husband is wonderful, supportive, kind…We have been together a long time and love each other dearly.
We do have one recurring issue. When he gets angry he yells. This is not necessarily at me…But…which is sometimes directed at me—and I cringe at his anger in general.
I came from a home where yelling was the precursor to something worse…So, he yells, I get upset and (often) defensive, we fight.
I feel like he gets so angry, so quickly, over so many things that it makes me reluctant to tell him things that are negative…I know we are both at fault: He needs to control his temper and I need to be less sensitive.”
The woman also wrote that she had considered seeing a marriage counselor, but “it has never gotten that bad.”
Ms. Hax replied to the lady: “Not that bad? You’re not happy with things this way…Please trust your gut.”
Based on my experience with my yelling, former girlfriend, who would slowly get angry and raise the sound level of her voice to screaming level, as if she had an anger accelerator within her body, although I had done absolutely nothing to trigger it, I learned that people must extricate themselves from this type of relationship.
Being yelled at raises one’s stress level and is bad for one’s health. It’s like walking on egg shells. You always wonder when the next outburst is coming. It’s no way to live.
It was hard to end the relationship because I cared, but as stated in Christine’s Facebook post, being disrespected—and being yelled at is just that—isn’t worth the “but I love him” title.
Often, it’s hard to discuss your concerns with the person who yells at you. They simply get angrier and yell or scream more. Couples often seek counseling but that doesn’t always work either.
When my yelling girlfriend and I went to counseling, as we walked from the car to the counselor’s office, she said, “Don’t tell her the truth.” And got angry when I tried to explain that that was why we were there. We never went back.
If you are dealing with a person who yells at you, or you yell at him, confront it, get it fixed, or get out.
Part 2 -Cruise update
We have been at sea for five days, having left Los Angeles Harbor Sunday at 4:30 p.m. There are approximately 1,000 passengers aboard. Finally, on Wednesday, we had some sunshine and blue skies.
Internet is iffy because it’s done via satellite. We usually can access our email accounts, but opening websites like Facebook or CBS Sports is sporadic at best. Probably like most passengers, we’ll try to get in some internet action while ashore in Dutch Harbor.
On Tuesday, we met 12 people–two at lunch, six at a small cocktail party and four at dinner. Two were from San Antonio, Texas, one from Dallas. Three from Mississippi, two from Colorado, two from the Imperial Valley in California, one from Atlanta, and one from New Orleans.
Everybody has a story. That’s one of the things that makes cruising so interesting.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – September 28, 2018
by Columnist Tom Blake
It’s time to go – Senior Travel – taking an 82-day cruise
Reality hit me this week when a Federal Express driver came to the front door of our Dana Point, California, home and picked up two suitcases belonging to my life partner, Greta, and two suitcases belonging to me.
Those four suitcases will be waiting for us in our stateroom when we board the ms Amsterdam, a Holland America Line cruise ship, at the San Pedro (Port of Los Angeles) Cruise Terminal this Sunday. Before the Fed Ex driver arrived, this cruise, which Greta and I signed up for almost a year ago, seemed like a dream far into the future.
Holland America ship Amsterdam (photo courtesy of Holland America Line)
Why the big reality check? We’ve cruised before. Our senior travel philosophy: travel as often as we can, while we are physically able to do so.
We’ve been on three 30-day cruises and several shorter ones as well, so what’s the big deal? Why is this cruise any different than previous ones we’ve taken?
This cruise is called the Grand Asia & Pacific Cruise. It’s duration: 82 days! That’s two older dudes living together 82 days in a 297 square-feet stateroom. Maybe we could define it as a new type of relationship: a LTICQ (Living Together in Close Quarters).
People say to us: “Are you nuts?” And in the understatement of the year, they also say, “That’s a long time to be together.”
Here’s how it happened: Last October, we were on a Holland America Line cruise around South America. The future cruises director made a presentation to a very captive audience (passengers already on board) about the cruise that now departs in two days (September 30, 2018).
It appealed to us because there was no added expense of flying to get to the departure port or to return home. San Pedro is less than an hour from Dana Point.
For a cruise of 82 days, Holland America dangled quite a few perks to the audience, enticing them to sign up. And we did. Picking up the luggage ahead of time was one of the perks. Paying the tips to the crew was another (a savings of $15 per day).
Greta and I are truly blessed in retirement to be able to travel to distant lands. We do not take that for granted. We realize there will come a day when we can’t. And we also realize that not all people age 50+ can take a trip like this. When I blog or write about travels, many Champs tell me they enjoy traveling with us vicariously by reading about the trips.
As has happened in many of our trips to foreign lands, it seems events occur beforehand that make us think twice about going. In 2004, we were going to Madrid to take a train from the Atocha Train Station to visit other cities in Spain. Ten days before we were to board the train, Spanish separatists bombed Atocha. I asked my newspaper readers if we should cancel.
The overwhelming response: if you cancel, you allow the terrorists to win. We went but traveled by car instead (should have traveled by train, driving in a foreign country is far more dangerous).
Three years ago, we were going to France. The terrorists killed many people in Nice on a boulevard where Greta and I had walked a couple of years before. Again, we decided to go.
Two years ago, same thing happened in Brussels, Belgium. A few days before we left the USA, terrorists attacked there. We were scheduled to be on a train from Dusseldorf to Paris, passing through and stopping in Brussels. Again, we decided to go. And we did ride the train through Brussels.
This year has been no different.
On February 19, a volcano erupted on Mt. Sinabung in Indonesia. And on July 30, a 6.4 earthquake jolted an island in Indonesia. Our ship stops at three different ports in Indonesia, which is prone to quakes as it lies on a 25,000 mile-long, quake-affected area called the Pacific Ring of Fire, where 90 percent of the world’s earthquakes occur.
Our itinerary includes eight stops in Japanese ports. Also, on July 30, typhoon Jonqdari hit Japan, thousands had to be evacuated. Then, on September 5, typhoon Jebi hit Western Japan, including Kobe, where the ship is scheduled to stop.
On September 7, a 7.8 earthquake struck Fiji, where our ship is scheduled to make two stops. Fiji is also on the Pacific Ring of Fire.
And then this also on September 7: another earthquake, 6.7, struck Japan, Hokkaido Island, triggering a massive rescue effort.
So yes, there are things to think about. But, now that the luggage is on its way to the ship, we’re not turning back.
We will be stopping at 33 ports and cities, including Tokyo, Hong Kong, Beijing, Shanghai, Singapore, Cairns, Darwin, Sydney and even a place called Honolulu (on the return). Besides Japan and Indonesia, we will stop in Russia, China, Viet Nam, Australia, and many smaller countries. We had to get visas for four of those countries.
Greta and I usually go ashore and explore ports on our own. However, one ship’s tour we’ve signed up for is a day-trip to the Great Wall of China.
I will be writing about the trip in the three Southern California newspapers where my column appears. The newspapers’ General Manager, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, suggested the final article be on how to hang in there with your partner for 82 days, and still be walking down the gangway hand-in-hand when disembarking.
I will also be posting articles and photos as often as I can to my travel website: www.travelafter55.com. If you go to that site, the current post opens on the home page. On the right-hand column you can see Recent Articles and under that Archives. All the October and November trip articles are listed there. The itinerary will be posted there also.
I will have internet access on board. So, don’t hesitate to email me. It might take a little longer to respond, but I will. Hopefully, we will get some good On Life and Love After 50 news and stories from other passengers.
Wish us well. Your thoughts will help us complete our journey safely. It’s time to go.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – September 21, 2018
by Tom Blake Columnist
The question is: Who HASN’T been ghosted?
Two weeks ago, I didn’t even know what the term “ghosting” was as it pertains to senior dating and relationships. So last week I wrote about it. Nearly 25 Champs shared their ghosting thoughts.
Virginia said, “It speaks to the core of the person who uses this self-centered, rude method of ending a communication. Someone should write a book of ethics for dating, starting with ‘be respectful’ of the other person’s feelings, it doesn’t take much to do it properly.
The person you are ‘ghosting’ may very well know somebody who could be a better fit for you, and certainly wouldn’t recommend you to friends if you participate in this ghosting practice. It shows your substance is weak, rude, low-class, and you have unethical character traits.
Maybe Champs could offer enough suggestions to create guidelines for dating seniors…sort of like the ‘Amy Vanderbilt Socially Responsible Guide to Dating for Seniors with Class,’ except it would of course be ‘Tom Blake’s Guide to Dating with Class.’
Wouldn’t it be nice to accept a date with someone who was a member of this new branch of your club? It would take some of the anxiety out of first dates. Sort of like belonging to a country club where at least you know people will have some manners!
Who knows? it might make the best seller list!”
Terry Lee, “I have had it both ways many times. If a person doesn’t want to continue, it is his or her problem. I have many things to offer and recognize there are areas others could care less about. I would at least let them know nicely.”
Liz, “Two weeks ago, I was senior ghosted for the first time. Had a first date with someone I knew slightly. He acted as if he was very keen and then nothing. Made me feel insecure as I have no clue why. Usually, you have some idea.”
Terry: I get “Ghosted” or “Shun-Moded” a lot on Facebook due to my political beliefs and affiliations. Facebook calls it ‘Unfriend’ and ‘Blocking.’”
Margaret: “I was recently ‘ghosted.’ A friend set me up with his widower pal. We met for lunch and I thought we had a nice time and he told me he would like to go see me again. This was a few weeks before Christmas. After the date, he sent me this email:
“Just wanted to say thanks again for a great afternoon shared with you Saturday. It was so refreshing to sit with someone as vibrant and fun as you are. I hope you and your family have a blessed Christmas. I look forward to sharing time with you again soon. Talk soon.”
I responded: “Thank you for lunch and a great conversation. Looking forward to spending time with you.”
After a couple of emails wishing each other “Merry Christmas” and “Happy New Year,” I never heard from him again. Finally, my buddy that had set us up told me this man had met and was dating someone he really liked. Knowing this, I felt so much better that it wasn’t something about me; but, that he had met someone he had a lot of chemistry with. I wish he had simply let me know.
I also “ghosted” someone 18 months ago. We had dated for six months and I realized there were too many qualities and warning signs this man was not the right person for me. He was a kind, nice and generous man so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him the reasons this relationship wasn’t going to work. I stopped answering his calls, texts and emails.
In retrospect, I feel bad that I didn’t tell him the relationship just wasn’t working for me. I was nervous he would ask me why.”
Don: “I went for a first meeting after talking and/or emailing women I met on Plenty of Fish. In most cases, the woman was older than her picture. Noticeably older, decades older in one case.
I learned to ask to meet for coffee on the first date. This way it was not a big deal. It just made for an interesting encounter. But, I was not attracted in a romantic way. I always tried to be kind by saying ‘I’ll call you.’ I guess I was ghosting.
I met some women who enriched my life with travel and affection. I had one experience where I flew from Texas to Calif. to meet a woman for the first time. She met all my expectations, but I knew at the airport she was uncomfortable. We hugged three days later when she dropped me off at the airport.
That was our only contact. It was embarrassing to me and I assume her. If a woman tells me she will call and doesn’t, the message is clear.”
Gail, “I’ve been ghosted and it was painful, but, later, I realized it was for the better. The act of ghosting is passive, aggressive and I cannot stand people that have that trait. I am no longer on dating sites and haven’t been for a while. Ghosting–but maybe not the term itself–has been around for ages.”
Stella, “I would prefer being ‘ghosted’ vs. being told ‘I’ll call you,’ and wait for the call that never comes.”
Linda, “I wouldn’t mind being ghosted on the first date. We all do it to some extent. Have you ever had a needy neighbor or relative who just keeps calling or tries to engage with you and you’ve had enough for a while?
Some of us have children we have ghosted. I love my children but one of them has so many problems from the decisions he makes, that a good ghosting from mom is a form of protection.”
Jeanne: “Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned truth? What about saying at the end of the date: ‘I enjoyed meeting you (having dinner with you etc.) but I don’t think we are a match?’ Or, ‘I wish you great good luck in your search!’
This has worked for me many times! These are human lives and egos and feelings we are dealing with here. I am not so abrupt sounding as the above sounds, but you get the drift. Kindness and honesty together.”
Kim: “Two years ago, I was ghosted after 30 years – that was pretty tough on me, but all good now that I am independently owned and operated. I am a Champ from Galveston Island, Texas. It has been interesting – small dating pool! Dating is complicated at 56, but intriguing. A great learning experience regarding people, personalities and pasts.”
Note from Tom: Kim answered the mystery photo question from last week. She said, “I wanted to show you my picture of Sonny Bono and me in Palm Springs.”
Champ Kim, 56, from Galveston Island, Texas. Statue of Sonny Bono is in the heart of downtown Palm Springs, on Palm Canyon Drive, adjacent to Ruby’s. (Photo courtesy of Kim). Email me if you want to contact her.
Elaine, “Being online essentially means you’re cloaked by anonymity. Disappearing (ghosting) is easy. It lends itself to dismissive behavior and discards manners, which is prevalent in today’s world anyway. If a man meets a woman and he’s unimpressed or there is no chemistry, it’s probably easier to hit the road without explanation than explain that we’re not a Match and I’m moving on. It’s part of the dating world culture and though it’s rude, it isn’t personal.
There’s always a bigger, better deal out there or at least that’s what many believe. Women do it too. If ghosting hurts your feelings, online dating may not be for you. It’s a great way to meet people but some don’t look like their pictures and meeting someone is the only way to determine attraction. It can be disappointing especially for seniors who are often unfit and set in their ways.”
Joel, “Way before the ghosting term was invented and for several years in my quest for a mate, if I had no interest after the first meet-up, I just walked away. To those women today I would say I’m sorry, that was a cowardly thing to do. I did it because I didn’t want to have to explain what I was thinking because it might hurt the woman and make me look stupid and shallow.
Later in my dating life, I realized the value of giving and receiving honesty and candor. A turning point came when I received a response from a woman I had emailed on Match.com. She wrote, “I’m not interested.”
Wow, I thought, what a time saver.”
Tom’s conclusion: So, there you go Champs. Lesson learned, in my opinion: Instead of saying nothing, this is better. “We are not a match, but you are a good person. Thank you.”
Also, wanted to say, there were other terrific responses last week, on other dating topics, which I will include in future newsletters. Thanks to all of you.
In next week’s newsletter, I’ve got something big to share with you. Until then, adios.
Every time I think I’ve heard it all about senior dating, something new comes up.
Rabecca, age 70, emailed: “Have you ever written about ‘ghosting?’”
I said, “What the heck is ghosting?”
Rabecca said, “It’s a term used in dating.”
She sent me links to a few articles on ghosting. While reading the material, I was surprised that in 24 years of writing, I had never heard the term. The Urban Dictionary defines ghosting as: “The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”
Some articles suggested that ghosting is prevalent among Millennials, ages 24 to 38, and even some Generation Xers, ages 39 to 53. Rabecca said it happens to seniors as well.
Although I wasn’t familiar with the term, I had been “ghosted” before, there just wasn’t a term for it in 1993, when my wife of six years left with no notice or explanation and shut down all communication.
Millennials often get ghosted on dating sites like Tinder where conversations often end without explanation. When that happens, there’s no first date. They hit delete and move on to the next online dater.
Psychology Today published an article by Jennice Vilhauer, PhD, on November 27, 2015 on the effects of “ghosting” (see link at end of today’s eNewsletter).
Rabecca said, “It’s more prevalent in senior dating than you realize. Let’s say you have a first date with someone you met online or via a friend and there’s just no connection–chemistry if you will—with one or both people on the date.
If the man has no interest, what does he say at the end of the date? ‘I’ll call you,’ when he won’t? No.
More likely, he might say, ‘I had a nice time. Thank you.’ And leave it at that. And he never contacts you again. That’s an example of ghosting.”
I thought about the ghosting term. It’s usually done by men, since women usually don’t phone men for dates.
Let’s say the woman would like to go out again. But he goes silent. She thinks, maybe he’ll call. But he never does. How does that make her feel? Likely terrible. She wonders, why didn’t he like me? Why doesn’t he want another date? Am I not romance worthy?
Ghosting. Why did he go silent? Why didn’t he call me?
(photo by Tom. Can you guess who and where?)
And she probably wonders, “Why couldn’t he just have been honest? And have told me he didn’t think we were a match. That would have been the honorable and courteous thing to do.”
Why didn’t he do that? It’s awkward, almost a bit presumptuous on his part–that she even cares. She might have been insulted had he said something. Instead, he disappeared, like a ghost. To him, it seemed the lesser of two evils.
Years ago, my nephew, Derek, a Generation Xer, in Dallas, coined a dating term: “Shun Mode.” Derek explained that you implement this strategy when you like a woman, but she’s indifferent to you. You just cease communication, hoping the silent treatment sends her a message that she doesn’t realize what she is missing. You hope it works and she’ll move you up on the priority list. Then, you start communicating again.
I guess you could classify “Shun Mode” as a subset of “Ghosting,” since it’s a lack of communication, albeit for the opposite purpose vs. ghosting: you want to be with the person you are shunning.
Dating website Plenty of Fish did a user survey that revealed that 78% of its users had been ghosted at least one time.
I’d like to hear what our Champs have to say about “ghosting.” Has it happened to you? How often? How does it make you feel? Is it wrong? Inconsiderate? Or, just the comfortable way out?
And for you “ghosters,” why did you do it? Why not simply say, “I’m sorry, we’re not a match.” Or even, “It’s not you, I’m just a dork and not worthy of you.”
If you’ve been ghosted, remind yourself that it was better to find out he wasn’t the kind of person you’d want to be with anyway—and you’re far better off in the long run for not investing time with him. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your love worthiness.
It’s just a method in these more self-centered times.
On Life and Love after 50 