Category: eNewsletter

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake
You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate. 

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating. 

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.  

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.
 
“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important. 
 
“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men. 

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue. 
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert
 Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
. 
I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face. 

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state 

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for. 

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence   – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care?  -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.)  Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent. 

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems. 

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona. 

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away. 

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years 

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby. 

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors. 

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke 

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine. 

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area. 

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted! 

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though). 

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months. 

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away. 

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time. 

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer. 

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change. 

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly. 

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place. 

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 26, 2024

by Columnist Tom Blake

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

The first mention I noticed of my name in the same sentence as “The Golden Bachelor” was in an email on February 9, 2024. Champ Victoria wrote, “…I was going to suggest you’d make a good Golden Bachelor. I heard they’re looking. LOL!”

I responded to Victoria: “Me? A good Golden Bachelor? Maybe I will do a column on why I won’t become a Golden Bachelor. I’ll give you credit for suggesting it. Among the many fun reasons I won’t become a GB is that it would mean another marriage for me, and three previous marriages are enough.

Most of us know that Gerry Turner, age 72, this year’s Golden Bachelor, proposed on November 30, 2023, to Theresa Nist,70, the woman he selected out of the 22 women who appeared on the show. Turner and Nist married in a televised wedding ceremony on January 4, 2024, in La Quinta, California.

And then, in an article written by Anita Gosch, a columnist for The Orange County Register, that was published on February 15, 2024, Gosch wrote, referring to me, “No, he’s not a new Golden Bachelor.” (I didn’t contact Gosch to ask why she said I wasn’t the next Golden Bachelor).

We all know what happened. The Turner/Nist marriage lasted three months. On April 12, they announced on Good Morning America that they were getting a divorce. A few Champs asked for my opinion on the Golden Bachelor scenario—from the first episode to the finale–and one Champ asked if I ever considered applying to be the next Golden Bachelor.

These are 9 reasons why I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor

1. They won’t ask me

2. I only watched parts of the first segment. I felt it wasn’t realistic, and was “too made for television.” I thought it suggested that dating at 70+ was easy and glamourous when Champs know damn well that dating even at 60+ isn’t easy; it’s challenging and can be very discouraging

3. I didn’t think the show was fair to women. At Nist’s age, 70, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately five-to-one. Women often tell me that not all the men in that ratio are relationship material, making the effective ratio upwards of six-to-one.

The Golden Bachelor ratio was 22 women, to one man. It’s like the lotto. Why is there only one winner of several million bucks or over a billion? Why aren’t there multiple lotto winners? Why, in the Golden Bachelor, can’t there be five women winners instead of just one?

4. Age and Energy. At my age, 84, I barely have the energy to get through the day. I can’t imagine having to decide which one of the 22 women would be the best match for me. My problem is I’d probably like them all.

To make matters worse, filming and dating times might be in the middle of the day, infringing on my nap time. Can you imagine trying to impress a senior woman on a first date and dozing off while sipping coffee or tea? That reminds me of some scenes we see on live TV these days. People dozing off.

5. And what about doctor’s appointments? Many seniors have a plethora of appointments on their calendars. Some medical appointments they’ve had to book months in advance. What would a woman do? Reschedule an important medical appointment only to be dumped by some “made-for-television dude?”

6. Gerry and Theresa’s marriage lasted three months. Did that surprise me? No, they didn’t know each other long enough to make such a monumental decision. Egad, wait at least a year before tying the knot. A two-year wait is even better.

The dilemma for people in their 70s and 80s, we don’t have the time to wait. So why not just enjoy each other and make the best of the time we have left without getting married?

It makes one wonder if their Golden Bachelor marriage was done for the sake of television, a part of the sign-on contract. Words like these (made up solely by me): “Gerry, and whomever you choose, must agree to get married, and allow us to put the marriage on live TV. You will be paid an extra $100,000 each.”

7. Most Champs know LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) are difficult. Ask Champs Gail (Bishop, CA) and Bruce (Lima, Ohio) who live in small cities. They are not in a relationship—they have never met in person but I believe they have corresponded. They both have shared how tough it is to find a mate and carry on an LDR.

Gerry and Theresa from the Golden Bachelor found that out as they lived in different states. Neither wanted to give up their friends, kids, families, etc., by moving to a different state to be together.

Ostensibly, that’s why their marriage didn’t work out. I don’t want to move to a different state or even far away in California to be with a woman. A half-hour drive away is bad enough for me

8. If I were the Golden Bachelor, and agreed to marry, I’d have to announce the subsequent divorce on Good Morning America. That’s no big deal; I’ve already been on GMA so I don’t need the publicity. On June 8, 2005, I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on GMA about senior dating. See the photo above of Me, Greta (a special woman), and Diane Sawyer from that day.

9. I’ve spent a year and a half hoping to find a new woman friend after my loss of Greta. Well, I’ve got a new woman friend named Debbie (the one referenced above who lives a half hour away). She’s a tough cookie. Intelligent and strong-willed.

Can you imagine Debbie’s response if I told her: “Debbie, is it okay if I become the next Golden Bachelor? I’ll be courting 22 women and will be busy for a few months filming the show. Yes, I’ll be hugging and kissing them on live television but I still love you.”

Her comment would be, as Bill Haley and The Comets made popular 74 years ago, “See You Later, Alligator.”

Those are the 9 reasons I won’t be the next Golden Bachelor. 

Senior Marriage: Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?

Photo by Tom Blake taken in Prague
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 1, 2024
By Columnist Tom Blake
Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?
By Columnist Tom Blake 

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating. 

Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses.

I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in. 

Part 1 – Nine responses from women 

Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her? 

“She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.” 

Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.” 

Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’ 

“Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo.  

“Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too.  “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married. 

“Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.” 

Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary. 

Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about.  

“I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’ 

“Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.” 

Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!” 

Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating.  

“Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus. 

“Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner. 

“Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so.  

“She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!” 

Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “
I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.” 

Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common. 

“If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts. 

“I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me. 

“I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else. 

“Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John. 

“I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’  

“Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.” 

Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money. 

“The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other. 

“She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets? 

“I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.”

Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple 

Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.” 

Single
Sane
Straight
Sober
Solvent 
I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more: 
Sumptuous
Stunning
Startling 

“If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.”

Reader Responses To Gummies vs. Alcohol in Senior Dating

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 2, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

          Responses From Champs to Gummies vs Alcohol

Two weeks ago, the eNewsletter included a woman’s comments regarding a Gummies vs. Alcohol issue she and her boyfriend of four years were having.

She wrote, “I still work so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while making dinner. It can take the ‘edge’ off from work.

She added that if she goes out, she won’t drive if she has more than two glasses of wine.

Also, she said, “I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live 30 miles apart. He would rather I not drink. There was a time he drank too much, but stopped 15 years ago, cold turkey, just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and ingest cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and, together we have a great time when taking them. We dance, laugh, tell silly stories, etc.”

Tom’s comment: (I wonder what she means by “etc?” I see a couple of you smiling at that comment.)

She continued: “The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would prefer I stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for me than alcohol. So, we argue about Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do Champs think?

            Eight Responses From Champs

Only one man responded directly to this issue. Two men said they were looking forward to reading the responses. Several men talked about non-related topics.

Here’s what the seven women said:

ST (a woman Champ) “Gummies vs Chardonnay – what business is it of his? This is manipulative and controlling. Give in to his demands and who knows what awaits down the line? He should keep his own council.”

Beach Girl, “It’s a good thing that the gummy lover lives 30 miles away and only sees Ms. Chardonnay on weekends. He had a problem with alcohol so he’s transferring his past issues onto her – it’s a control thing. Tell Ms. Chardonnay to enjoy her wine and ignore his preaching. If he doesn’t lay off, dump him.”

Linda, “My thoughts about Chardonnay versus gummies are she should have her glass or two during the week when she’s home. Maybe the gummies on weekends. I guess she isn’t telling us the truth and is drinking during the week too. I don’t believe everything people tell me.”

Jeanne, “Driving on gummies is just as bad as on alcohol!”  

Althea, “I think this anonymous woman has already figured it out. She wants to know if this relationship will work when she drinks, and he does not. He takes cannabis gummies, she does also, but only to please him.

“They live in separate homes and have been seeing each other for four years, so apparently the arrangement is working out for them.

“She said they probably will never move in together because they like their own homes and that the alcohol vs. gummies issue might cause problems if they did. So, what is the real issue? They are in a LAT relationship, and it will last as long as the arrangement is working, and both are content. Right?

“Though I wonder how often he is trying to get her to stop the alcohol and instead take gummies with him, because to me that is a small red flag, controlling behavior.

“Bottom line: If you care (love) someone you take them as they are, especially in our senior years when our long lives have made us who we are and change of habits rarely happens.”

Kaitte: “Short and sweet. That’s the pot calling the kettle black–his gummies. His problem; not hers. She enjoys her wine after working all week. If a man consistently told me what to do, the weekender would be no more.”

Elenute, “Hopefully, there are some things they enjoy about each other besides whatever substances he or she uses.

“My former boyfriend tended to have one drink a night and drank socially occasionally. I don’t drink at all. It was never a problem for us.

“As long as neither one drives high, it’s up to you to drink or do gummies, whatever you prefer. Why is he telling you what to do? Is there a pattern there?”

Jim, “I hope the woman communicates her desire to enjoy a glass of wine to him so he understands more. He shouldn’t be trying to change the situation now or ever.

“He should realize he won’t change her; he needs to back off and enjoy getting the ‘edge’ off in his way. This gummies vs. alcohol issue isn’t worth losing the relationship over. They both can adjust and still have fun together. She seems open to using gummies at different times whereas some people won’t be open to gummies at all.”

Tom’s reply: I was surprised that so few men commented, but Jim’s words are well-spoken. After reading all the opinions, mainly from women, I realized–as a man–that maybe this isn’t a big deal. For many senior couples, it may not be an issue at all.

I asked my partner, Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist, to read the above comments. Her response was like mine. Both of us felt he wasn’t trying to control her by getting her to stop drinking wine.

What Debbie picked up on is that the women who responded may have been ‘projecting’ things from their own lives that may have been problematic for them, either in the past or present.

Debbie added, “I think Althea summed it up best.”

So, Champs, enjoy your wine or pot or gummies, but the important thing is “in moderation.” And if your doctor insists that you stop drinking or smoking pot, consider changing your ways.

Please keep your emails coming. Next week, it’s the Super Bowl and/or Valentine’s. Which to write about? Such a dilemma.

Emotionally Available To Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
December 8, 2023
Emotionally Available To Date?
By Tom Blake 
Mareah and George- Widowed Friends (photo by George B)

           Two Widowed Friends (Champs) Featured Today 

George B., San Francisco, is one of our longest-tenured Champs (for 20+ years). This week George emailed a picture of himself and his woman friend Mareah (see above). It was taken last week at the annual Christmas luncheon at The Presidio Golf & Concordia Club, in San Francisco. 

George said, “The Presidio Golf Club was established in 1896 and the Argonaut-Concordia Club was established in 1864, both in San Francisco. The two clubs merged in 2016. 

“Mareah and I met on September 27, 2007, four months after my second wife Laura died and six years after Mareah’s husband died. So, it’s been more than 16 years since our relationship began. 

“Now we have a senior long-distance friendship (LDF) because Mareah became a first-time grandmother through her son last year and moved to Colorado Springs to be there for them.

We never got married, although we did seriously contemplate matrimony. “I am 83 and she is 64. We’ve had a grand adventure with annual cruises and land away-from-home trips, and she comes to the Bay Area with her now-married daughter so the companionship, albeit intermittent, continues. 

“We will be cruising to Alaska for 11 days in 2024.” George is a special friend of mine. Here’s why. I checked my Gmail archives and since 2009, George has sent me 39 emails. His and Mareah’s love story is Chapter 29 in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.

Mareah met George’s wife Laura years before in the early 2000s.

In September 2007, George was sitting at the bar at Celia’s Mexican Restaurant San Francisco (Judah Street at 45th Avenue in San Francisco) when he spotted Mareah and asked her to sit beside him on a just-vacated barstool. Their relationship/friendship began then. 

When I attended a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain reunion in Sausalito about 15 years ago, George decided to come. He had never worked at a VS restaurant but wanted to meet me and many other former employees. He fit right in with them. George retired from a career in the California National Guard and the US Coast Guard.

His Coast Guard affiliation was a nice coincidence for us. My Uncle, George Pardee, was a Chief Specialist for the Coast Guard, who was honorably discharged on September 5, 1945 (see Uncle George’s Honorable Discharge papers below). 

What I’ve learned in writing columns for 29 years is that every Champ has had an interesting life. Thanks, George B. for sharing as you always do. 

Part 2 -Kaitte wonders if she is emotionally available for a relationship 

Champ Kaitte also emailed this week. (I also checked my Gmail archives and found that Kaitte has sent approximately 50 emails over the past 2 1/2 years.)
She said, “Your thoughts Tom? Can a woman be too self-sufficient? I’m thinking I’m so settled and content in my single life of 23 years, and have my little farm to keep me busy, that I might not be emotionally available for an intimate relationship. I want no man drama.

“But I wonder. I’m no sex goddess but I’m attractive and look younger than my age. Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby? I don’t wear rings on my ring finger. I’m always the one who strikes up a conversation. One date and they are gone. My friend said it’s because I don’t make men feel needed.” 

In an earlier email, Kaitte wrote, “I have 6 companions, 2 dogs and 4 indoor/outdoor cats all rescues. They are great company, and no drama even as they age.

“I get a taste of what it would be like to live with someone when my son comes home, especially with friends. NO THANK YOU.” 

          Tom’s response to Kaitte 

“Your comment, ‘Do men look at me and think she’s someone’s baby?’ reminds me of Jackson Browne’s song, Somebody’s Baby. Perhaps they do. But, in your case, there are other major considerations. (See the link below to the song Somebody’s Baby). 

“You mention you have a small farm, and as I recall, it’s in a somewhat remote area of Colorado. My guess is the number of nearby single men in your age range is limited. You may need to do online dating so that you cast your net to include areas where there might be more men.

Living remotely, although you love it, might be a reason you aren’t meeting senior men. “Being emotionally available is a big consideration. You mention that you want ‘no man drama.’ Most relationships have some drama. That’s the nature of the sexes. You may be turning men off when first meeting them if you start ranting about man drama. 

“I respect that you have six rescues. Most everyone loves pets. However, some men might be turned off by your six animals living at home. Also, some might be allergic to pets. I hope Champs with pets don’t freak out over my comment. 

“Emotional availability is probably the biggest issue senior singles face. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must be emotionally available. If one isn’t, the relationship won’t work. “I know a widow, aged early 70s, who is the salt of the earth. A guy would be fortunate to have her in his life. She’s been a widow for just over a year. She’s one of the kindest and most considerate women I’ve ever met. She’s nonstop go-go-go with her women friends.

“But she does not want to date and she’s not emotionally available to date. Is that wrong? Heavens no, it’s simply her choice. She knows what’s important to her. But down the road, if she changes her mind and decides to date, she will need to become emotionally available. Maybe she will or maybe she won’t. But certainly not now. 

“So Kaitte, in your case, I don’t think you are emotionally available. I’m not criticizing you, but you are content within your environment, so until you decide to embrace the senior dating scene, you will continue to ponder your self-sufficiency.” “We’ll see if Champs have thoughts or opinions of their own.”

Link below to Jackson Browne’s song “Somebody’s Baby.”
Link to Jackson Browne singing “Somebody’s Baby”
Tom's 50 couples book
Tom’s How 50 Couples Found Love After 50″ Book
Tom’s Uncle George’s US Coast Guard Honorable Discharge certificate dated September 5, 1945

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others? 

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along? 

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds. 

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”

Thanksgiving 2023 – Grateful to Champs

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

November 23, 2023

Grateful To Champs
For Helping A Troubled Woman Come Out Of The Dark 

It’s Thanksgiving Day. One thing I’m thankful for is being able to write this weekly eNewsletter. When an eNewsletter ends up helping a person or people, it makes me even more grateful.

 On October 6, I wrote about Trish, 62, divorced 10 years, who has been dealing with deep-seated issues affecting her life that were triggered by that divorce and other things in her life. 

For the past three years, she’s been seeing a kind man who helps around her home. She described him as being a bit rough around the edges. They have a platonic friendship. That October 6 eNewsletter was basically a rant from her. 

Two things transpired from that eNewsletter. One, a plethora of Champs shared their opinions, many of which I published in the follow-up October 13 issue. Some of the comments were blunt and harsh on her. 

And the second thing that happened was Trish agreed to correspond with Debbie Sirkin, psychotherapist, recommended by me, who is one of our Champs. The two women connected by email. 

I didn’t hear anything more about Trish’s situation until November 13, when Trish emailed me. She wrote: “I wanted to update you and thank you for your platform (Champs, psychotherapist, and you) to reach out to. The comments from Champs that I read and reread and reread were so helpful to me.

“And Debbie’s response (Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist) to me was extremely helpful. 

“Debbie was correct. I get to change my thoughts, my mind, and my heart. So, I did. I looked at this man and realized how incredibly blessed I was to have him.”

“It was like jumping off a terrifying ledge into a pit. Let me tell you about the landing. It is loving, it is comforting, and it is life-confirming. The cloud of darkness, being uncomfortable and in a state of fear is gone. My eyes were opened by you and your wonderful followers. I was so stuck, like a rat on a glue board. And my man is so overcome with joy.  

“Through conversation with him, and lots of it along with prayer, we made a commitment to each other. The end of the story is: we are engaged.” (adversity leads to opportunity)

What an incredible story to share with you Champs on Thanksgiving Day. Trish’s emergence into a happier life reminds me of the song by Gloria Estefan, Coming Out Of The Dark, which focused on her recovery from a broken back after her tour bus collided with a tractor-trailer truck in Pennsylvania. A full recovery was doubtful but through Gloria’s tenacity and zest for life, less than a year later, she was singing again. (click on the link below to Gloria’s song). I know each Champ is grateful for a multitude of things. Not to bore you, but here’s my shortlist. 
Tom Blake Grateful Short List
I’m grateful for 

-You Champs
-My sisters, Pam and Christine, and Pam’s husband Bob
-My brother Bill (who passed away two years ago)
-My two nephews, Derek and Rod
-Having had Greta as my partner for 25 years
-Good health
-Russell Kerr, my paddle-boarding buddy
-Alex the Sports Barber who has cut my hair for 37 years
-Debbie S, an understanding and caring new friend
-My fantasy football friends of 40+ years
-Other friends like Charlie Canfield and Bob Rossi-Pals Jim Fallon and Mike Stipher and Joanie, and others such as Vince, Julie and Dee, and Don and Carole Cheley in Denver, who helped me through this year of grief
-Music, and my friendship with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
-Friends made at the restaurant chain Victoria Station
-Living in Dana Point
-Loving and caring neighbors Alex and Colleen, and Jake and Kresta
-170 employees of Tutor & Spunky’s Deli, including Teresa, Rosa, Deb, and Sandy, each still working there, for up to 37 years
-Adelina and Regina, friends for years

Here’s the link to Gloria Estefan’s Coming Out Of The Dark song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7qLDizDYo 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023
Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s
Part two – The New York Times mention
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Photo by Tom Blake. Walking trail sign in Alaska Appropriate for Champ Bob’s Question
Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s

Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years.

“I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see.

“Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing.

“I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?”

Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it.

Words and quotes from the 2011 article

“When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?”

“Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years.

“My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore.

“I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’

“Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?”
I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.)

What Champs said in 2011

Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.”

Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.”

Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.”

Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.”

Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!”

George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.”

I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow.

“As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.”

My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time.

And those are the words I say to Bob.

By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?”

I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

A psychotherapist shares her opinions

I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all.
 
“For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century.

“Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.”

So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can. 

I look forward to our Champs’ responses.  
Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times

One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear.

Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.”
Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday.

Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article:

“Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.”

Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).”

Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it.

“When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce

Overcoming Adversity

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

Overcoming Adversity

November 10, 2023

Tom Blake – Columnist

The Dana West Yacht Club, Dana Point, California where Tom’s speech was held on November 7. Photo by Tom Blake
Overcoming Adversity
In the three most recent eNewsletters, I mentioned I’d be making a presentation about the challenges of senior dating on Tuesday, November 7 2023. I was asked to speak by the Business Network Group (BNG) which has its monthly meetings at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point, California, the city in which I’ve lived for 37 years.

Because so many Champs (subscribers to my weekly eNewsletter) contacted me on November 8, the day after my talk, wondering how my presentation went, I decided to describe that rather unique and challenging experience in today’s column.

I started preparing my presentation a month before by attending the BNG October presentation to observe the seating layout of the club and the audio/video setup. I wanted to see if the previous month’s speaker used a PowerPoint presentation. He did, so I decided to do the same. (See the room in the photo above).

I’m not a professional speaker so I needed to prepare my material diligently. I spent hours at home designing and scripting my slides and testing them on my TV screen. Everything worked perfectly. I practiced several times. Plus, I was told an audio-video expert would be at the club to ensure all was in order.
I admit I was a bit nervous, 80 people had RSVP’d, including several Champs. I wanted to make them proud.

I arrived at the yacht club an hour and a half before my talk and connected my laptop to the large TV screen via an HDMI cord. My speech material didn’t appear, only local TV programs.

My friend from my grief share session, Jim Fallon arrived. Jim had agreed to advance the slides on my computer so I could walk among the crowd using a portable microphone. Jim was also puzzled by the big screen not working.

The first guest arrived. He was a Champ, Rick, who lives a mile from me. He said he was a widower. And then another Champ, Regina, arrived. I’ve known her for years. She’s the salt of the earth. I introduced them and they sat adjacent to each other on barstools. They seemed to enjoy chatting; I was pleased.

Back to the PowerPoint crisis. Garrett, the bartender, tried to help with the setup, but it wasn’t working properly. The promised audio/visual person wasn’t there.

When Pat Chiku, the president of BNG, arrived, I told her the big screen setup wasn’t working. She called the a/v man, and he came 16 minutes later. He spent 40 minutes fixing things. When my material appeared on the screen, five of the 22 slides had disappeared. He spent more time trying to recover those.

In the meantime, attendees were coming in. Many wanted to chat with me. I was a mess, concerned about the TV setup, yet wanting to be cordial.
The a/v man finally got the setup working. A huge relief for me. And he left. A few minutes later, as Jim and I were ensuring everything was in order, the system froze. I knew at that time I was going to have to wing it, with no PowerPoint. Luckily, I had made a 4 x 6 card for each slide, with just some words to remind me what to mention.

I knew I would have to overcome this adversity, put it in the rear-view mirror, and fire up and make it happen.

I was pleased when four women, also from Jim and my grief share group arrived and sat in the seats Jim and I had reserved for them at our table. They were Patty, Gina, Michelle and Tracy. In total, there are seven of us who met via grief share and have become pals and do fun social activities together. Only Katie was not there, having other commitments.

Another friend, Champ Mike Stipher, a co-worker with me at the Victoria Station Restaurant chain from the 1970s, arrived. Mike, who has been supportive and a great listener and advisor, during my grief moments over the last 12 months, took a seat at our table as well.

Then Champ Gail sent a text. She was driving from Bishop, in the Sierra Mountains, 5-6 hours away. Her text read, “Stuck in traffic, I will be late.” Oh wow, another thing to worry about. We reserved a chair for her.
And then Champ Lady Hummingbird texted, wanting some directions. I texted that we had saved her a seat. 

Champs kept arriving. Margaret and Jean got good seats. The place was getting full. The first couple still appeared to be enjoying each other.
And then a woman named Erika came in. She had previously paid for three of my books she was getting for her 59-year-old son who had decided to try to find a girlfriend.

I had signed the books for him at home beforehand, knowing time would be of the essence. She had mistakenly come to the club the week before and found it locked. She jokingly told me she had suffered a “senior moment.”

At 6 p.m., Pat introduced me. I thanked her for planning the presentation on a Tuesday night, and not on a Thursday night, so our attendees wouldn’t miss any of The Golden Bachelor program. People laughed.

Earlier in the day, I had gone to a local florist and purchased two long-stemmed red roses that were hidden in a cooler I brought with me. Later, I called Pat and her assistant Candy to the area where all could see them and had Jim remove the roses from the cooler. I presented a rose to each woman ala The Golden Bachelor, as an acknowledgment for their hard work in putting the night together. That got a big round of applause and me hugs from the two women.
Senior Dating – Make A List
The audience participated as I intermingled with the crowd with a microphone in one hand and my slide notes in the other. When I suggested that singles, before starting to date, make a written list of qualities wanted in a mate, one woman shouted out, “At the top of my list, the man must be breathing.” That brought a chuckle from folks.

The ratio of women to men in attendance was an estimated 8 to 1. About the same for people in their 70s and 80s who are trying to date.

When I was talking about first-date etiquette, another Mike, who was seated with three women at a table, very loudly shouted, “The four of us want to know when people should talk about sex.” (I think they’d had a couple of cocktails by then).

I replied, “For heaven’s sake, not on the first date!”

A woman nearby shook her head, and mumbled, “At my age, who needs sex at all?” I decided to avoid any further discussion on the touchy subject of senior sex and switched to the next topic, online dating.

However, the importance of chemistry, i.e., physical attraction, was a topic. More than half the crowd raised their hands when I asked if that was important to them. My grief-share friend Patty called chemistry “zing.”

In the Q&A session at the end, I was surprised that many in attendance were unfamiliar with the acronym “LAT.” I explained that LAT stands for a living apart together relationship and it seems to be emerging more and more among single seniors.

By the end of the evening, it appeared that six people might potentially become three couples. That warmed my heart.

Several people told me I probably did better without the PowerPoint aspect.
Later, Patty texted our 7-member grief share group, saying, “Tom took control through the chaos of the system like a ROCK STAR!!”

Holy cow, I appreciated Patty’s comment.

I was surprised that no one raised the question of whether I had met anyone online or elsewhere whom I was seeing exclusively. But two women privately asked me that question.

I said, “Yes.”

One said, “Is she here tonight incognito?”

I said, “No. She’s not here tonight. She’s a ‘PGF’ and a MFT.”

“What are those?” A woman asked.

I said, “A PGF is a Phantom Girl Friend. An MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist. She’s ill, caught a virus, and is devastated that she couldn’t be here to meet many of you. There will be another time to meet her when she’s feeling better.”

Here’s a lesson from today’s eNewsletter: Adversity is often the seed of opportunity. It’s what a person does with that opportunity that will determine if he or she will grow and benefit from it. It all depends on how they tackle it.

Thanks for being Champs. You are all special to me. Together, we made it happen on November 7, 2023