Tom Blake

Senior dating challenges during pandemic

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 11, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior dating challenges during pandemic

For years, I’ve stated the best way for senior singles to meet potential mates is to get off the couch and out of the house.

However, that advice hasn’t been very useful over the past six months. We’ve been quarantined and encouraged to stay home. So, how do senior singles overcome dating challenges during pandemic times trying to meet new people?

Choices are limited. Senior centers and other senior gathering places are closed. For example, the senior Meet and Greets at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point are on hold. The most recent event took place in January.

And when we go to a grocery store or any place indoors, we must wear a mask. It’s difficult to check somebody out from a distance when faces are covered. You don’t approach someone wearing a mask and say, “Excuse me, would you lower your mask so I can see what you look like?”

Internet dating has become the most useful dating tool in 2020. My email inbox is bombarded with online dating-site messages. An estimated 1,500 new dating sites have emerged this year. But, do seniors really want to click on sites with names such as “Cobble,” “Pokerface,” “Say Allo,” “IsMyGirl,” “Live” (speed dating), “Stripchat” or “Extreme age-gap?” Most likely not.

As the number of online sites has increased, so has the number of scammers. Seniors are targets for scammers. Many seniors are lonely, which makes them vulnerable.

Scammers use robocalls, which arrive on our cellphones daily; we should avoid answering them.

But let’s say a senior does meet a prospective mate online, using sites like Match.com, eHarmony, or Plenty of Fish (POF). The advice from dating coaches has always been to meet face-to-face as soon as possible, to avoid wasting time on the wrong person.

But that thinking has changed. Sure, singles can still try to meet face-to-face (or should we say “mask-to-mask?”), but, they need to ask themselves, “Is it worth the health risk?”

Before meeting “mask-to-mask,” should each person take a COVID-19 test and bring the results to the date? An Abbott Labs test recently released called BinaxNOW provides results in approximately 15 minutes, does not need any other instrumentation, is very reliable and costs only $5.00.

On a first date, or any date, does each person wear a mask or gloves and place a package of hand sanitizers/wipes on the table?

Does each show up with a thermometer and take his or her temperature and then show the results to the other person, proving he or she isn’t overheated?

A thermometer for her and a thermometer for him

One of our Champs wrote: “You can probably forget about kissing (can we say Russian roulette every time?)”

How about hugs? That’s always been a nice way to end a date when a kiss would be premature. Even hugs are risky. Yes, senior dating during the pandemic is a challenge.

How can senior singles feel safe meeting a stranger on a first date? Some are trying, respecting social distancing and mask guidelines.

This week, Greta and I met two Champs for lunch. We wore masks upon arrival and departure and sat four feet apart while having our lunch. One of the Champs was Dave, a recent widower we mentioned last week, who appreciated getting out with people. He is doing remarkably well. So positive. So upbeat. Here is a photo of Dave and Tom.

Dave and Tom at lunch on Tuesday

People in established long-distance relationships where air travel is required to be together, are being particularly challenged, especially if one person resides in a foreign country.

Last week the news reported that the Canadian border will be closed for another month. So, Americans and Canadians dating across the border but living apart probably haven’t seen each other in person for months.

Larry, a former neighbor of mine, lives with his girlfriend, Emy, of five years in the Philippine Islands. He had to return to the United States in early January for a few weeks. He said, “I continue to be stranded in the United States. My first return flight, scheduled for March 20 this year, was cancelled by the airline.

“I had to cancel my second flight this month, because the Manila Airport remains closed to foreigners. I am now holding reservations to fly from LAX to Manilla on December 9.”

Will senior dating get easier? Not likely any time soon. A former fraternity brother of mine, a highly regarded doctor, emails a Coronavirus bi-weekly update, based upon the University of Washington’s IHME ((Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation) data.

On September 5, he emailed: “The data sees lots of trouble around December 1 – worse than anything we’ve seen. Buckle your seat belts, we have a long journey ahead of us only to be avoided with effective vaccines.”

So, Champs, if you are going to meet in person, wear your mask, keep your distance, and save the hugs and kisses for later. And write and tell us how the date went and how the challenges during the pandemic were addressed.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/tomblakebookstore

Seniors beware of reverse mortgages

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – September 4, 2020

by Thomas P Blake author and columnist

Welcome to new subscribers this week. As you know, I call our subscribers “Champs.” Why? Because that’s what they are. I’d particularly like to welcome Dave, a friend I’ve known for more than 25 years. More about him a little later in today’s column.

Last week’s eNewsletter featured Helen, Phoenix, age 80 1/2, whose significant other, Phil, passed away on June 27. She paid $3,000 to a company to find a senior living residence for Phil, three weeks before he died. She’s had no success trying to get some of that money back.

Champ Larry emailed, “What a timely article!

“I’ve had a dear friend for 48.5 years who decided to get a reverse mortgage to augment his monthly Social Security check.

“He found a phone number on TV offering reverse mortgages and called them for help.

“He was fortunate. He asked me to review the paperwork before he signed and executed this loan.

“The scammers wanted $11,432.00 in loan origination fees plus 5% Interest. These fees had various bogus names. What a TOTAL RIP OFF!

“If anyone needs a reverse mortgage, I suggest getting competitive quotes from your local established banks!

“My advice for seniors: do not buy anything advertised on TV because you can usually buy it for less in your own neighborhood. Also, sometimes when they get your credit card number, you will receive stuff every month that you do not want charged to your credit card!”

Tom’s response: Good advice Larry. More than likely, your comments will help some Champs avoid be taken in a reverse-mortgage scam. I’m not saying all reverse mortgages are bad, but from the reverse-mortgage experiences, people have shared with me, nearly all were bad. I have friends who paid to get out of them. Be very careful, if you are considering a reverse mortgage.

By the way, I’ve known Larry for nearly 30 years, when he lived two doors down from me in Dana Point.

Larry is now in the longest, senior internet long-distance relationship I’ve ever heard of. Until now, that honor (at least among Champs) was held by Chris and Tina, who dated for 14 years at an approximate distance of 5,419 miles—between San Clemente, California and England. Chris and Tina married in 2017.

Larry’s senior long-distance relationship of five years with Emy totals approximately 7,405 miles-between the West coast of California and Davao City, Philippines.

Emy and Larry – Currently stranded apart by the pandemic

The biggest drawback during COVID-19 is he is stranded in the United States. The Manila Airport is closed to foreigners. Larry and Emy hope to marry in early 2021 but with so much uncertainty surrounding the virus, they will have to wait and see.

Champ Bobbi emailed, “Sorry this response is too late to help Helen, but anyone belonging to the VA has a case worker of sorts. They will work with your doctor and place you in the nearest facility most suited to your needs.

“Hospice will also advise and assist you. Never turn to outside companies, and the $3,000 dollars that Helen paid is way out of line.

“My cousin has been at a VA Facility here in Menlo Park (California) and I must say it is a beautiful, clean, building. The nursing/dr staff are outstanding and very accommodating. He turned 100 on August 3, they had balloons, birthday cake, gifts, etc. for him. His mind is still sharp as a tack, but his knees are gone and he had a foot problem, so he can’t live alone.

“His girlfriend is now 88 and could not care for him properly. She’s an angel. The sad part is not being able to visit in person, only phones. We are planning to have a window-visit outside, hoping that will work out.

Champ Rosemarie, updated us from her country, “In South Africa, restrictions are still very much in place: home by 10 p.m. and out again at 4 a.m. Wear masks outside at all times. Borders are still closed, we can only travel around South Africa.

“We can fly overseas starting in mid-April, 2021. I miss traveling, especially to my home in Germany, to see my brother.”

Champ Rosemarie

“I am still by myself, even after starting to date 13 years ago. Lately, lots of scammers online; I know they are only online for money, so I delete them straightaway.”

Welcome to New Champ Dave

Technically, Dave isn’t a new Champ. In my and Greta’s opinion, he’s been a Champ for 23 years. He’s just a new Champ to our group. Here’s some background:

Dave and Norma married in 1961. I first met them in 1995. One of my buddies is married to their daughter Tracy.

In the late 1990s, a healthy and physically active Norma caught a virus, completely out of the blue. Overnight, she was unable to move from the waist down. A wheelchair became her mode of transportation.

The next 23 years became a huge challenge for Norma, Dave, and Tracy.

Dave would bring Norma to social events, usually at Tracy’s house. Norma was always upbeat.

As the years progressed, Norma became more and more bedridden. The challenges became greater for her, and for Dave. However, he was always there for her.

Greta and I admired Dave’s love and devotion to his wife. He had been a successful shoe salesman in Los Angeles, calling on clients for 48 years.

Dave and I could relate to each other, we were about the same age. Dave did every possible thing he could for Norma.

Four months ago, a few days before Mother’s Day, Norma passed away.

I talked to Dave last Tuesday evening. He’s coming out of the fog, trying to decide how to begin building a new life. Questions like: keep the house or move? To travel or not. He hopes to take a river cruise in Europe next year.

He’s trying to do what many of us are trying to do. Get rid of clutter and other stuff. He’s found unopened wedding gifts from 60-years-ago. He said he can finally park his car in the garage after 48 years.

Of course, now in the pandemic, it’s hard to get out and be among people. I hope Greta and I can help him in that department a bit.

He’s an incredible man. A true Champ for his 23 years of ensuring Norma had what she wanted and needed. I know other Champs, like Les and Ben, have been down this path. Together, Our Champs can help Dave move through the maze.

Be wise during the pandemic this Labor Day holiday.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/tomblakeconsulting

Seniors beware: some companies want your money

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 28, 2020

Seniors beware: some companies want your money

In writing this weekly eNewsletter, and my newspaper columns, I am fortunate to hear from many seniors who are willing to share their questions and experiences.

Some Champs have contacted me multiple times over the years. For example, Helen, who lives near Phoenix, has contacted me 19 times in the last 12 years.

On June 6, 2020, Helen emailed: “Phil, my significant other, is in the hospital. I have taken care of him physically since we met in 2003. I am trying to get an Arizona long-term care program and VA benefits in place for him. Today, I hired a company that does that. I feel guilty but at 80 and 1/2, I no longer have the physical mobility to take care of him.”

I asked Helen about the company she hired to help her get benefits for Phil.

Helen responded: “I looked online for senior living and was contacted by some company that I signed up with for assistance. To begin, they required a $3000.00 deposit.”

In mid-August, Helen emailed sad news. “I lost Phil on June 27. He had been in the hospital for over a month, on hospice the last five days. I miss him terribly. I was stressed out, as he wanted to come home until near the last and I was physically unable to take care of him.

“Phil is no longer enduring all the problems he had. He would have detested having to live in a nursing home or adult-care center.

“With my lack of decent mobility, everything I do takes so long but I am very blessed when I look around at what the world is going through.

“Regarding the company that has kept my $3,000, I suppose they are within their rights but I learned a valuable lesson: Don’t blindly sign any ‘docu-sign’ things that are sent to one’s email without asking for and waiting to fully examine their contents.

“I asked for half the money back and made numerous phone calls and emails. It was only when I wrote them private messages on their FB page that I got a response. I may write to the BBB but doubt it will do any good and I do not wish to create a problem. Some things are better put aside.”

Before sending my condolences to Helen, I checked the email archives. Her first email to me was on October 24, 2008. In that email, she wrote, among other things, “Phil and I had been to some of the same places while in the military and both were born in obscure little towns in northern CA and grew up in Oregon about 150 miles apart.”

I shared those first-email memories with her.

She responded: “I no longer feel the need for male companionship. Maybe it’s due to my age, but, also, Phil and I just clicked.

“Life is o.k. The most difficult part is when a person has no close relatives or really good friends, it can make one feel insecure.

“I worry about our cat even if that sounds silly. I can’t catch him to take him to the vet for routine appointments and to get his claws trimmed. He is so bored and wants out and misses Phil a lot. So Petey and I are now holding down the fort.”

I responded: “Even with your pain, you have a great attitude. I know you miss Phil terribly–I can only imagine the emptiness you feel after 17 years. But stand tall, you took care of him and were the strong one. Be proud of what you did.”

A lesson for seniors. Be careful when engaging a company online to help find a senior living place. It can be expensive and a waste of money. Three weeks after Helen signed up for that company’s assistance, her Phil passed away.

Thanks to Helen for sharing her story.

Part 2 – A look back at the start of COVID-19 in the USA – a can of organic pinto beans

It seems so long ago. None of us knew what was happening. On March 16, I went to Trader Joe’s to purchase some cans of black beans so that we’d have food that would last. I waited in line to get in. Finally, I entered the store and went to the shelf where the beans were located. Here’s what I found:

The canned goods shelves at Trader Joe’s in Laguna Niguel, California on March 16, 2020

There were no black beans. I snapped this photo. A store employee requested no photos of their empty shelves, but I had already taken the picture. Only, one can of organic pinto beans was left, which I put in my cart. There were no paper towels, no toilet tissue. I was shocked. Who could imagine, five months later, that we’d still be dealing with this pandemic?

What lies ahead? Let’s hope, five months from now, we’ll be free to move about without restriction. It’s been the strangest of times. Stay safe.

A mortgage refinance made sense for me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 21, 2020

by columnist Tom Blake

A mortgage refinance made sense for me and other stories

Last Friday morning, I received an email from a long-time friend who used to be a yacht captain on boats in Dana Point Harbor. He had read the eNewsletter about the homecoming king and queen and wrote to touch base. “Take care. Hope you are well,” Champ Captain Richard Carnesale signed off.

About six hours later, I’m sitting in a rather large waiting room of a large doctor’s office in nearby Laguna Hills, with Greta, who was having an eye examination. It was like mask-city; every person was wearing one. I saw a man emerge from one of the consultation-rooms and walk toward the front desk. I said to Greta, “That man looks like Captain Richard.” I didn’t know for sure because of the mask.

Then the lady at the front desk called his name. He walked there. I moved to within 10 feet of him and said, “Thanks for the email this morning.”

We had a nice chuckle about the coincidence and talked for a few minutes after he checked out.

Ten years ago, Captain Richard and I worked together on a story about a yacht-Ponzi scheme that happened in Dana Point Harbor. Captain Richard had worked with the man for 27 years who swindled several investors. Here is a picture of Captain Richard from an article I wrote in The Dana Point Times on July 13, 2012, about the case.

Captain Richard Carnesale with photo of the man who swindled investors

I also wrote an ebook titled “Dana Point Yacht Ponzi.” You can order it on http://www.Smashwords.com for .99 cents by using the promo code BM58K

From Seattle – A Star Spangled Night

Champ Ellen, Seattle, emailed: “In case you don’t remember me, I’m the lady who sang the National Anthem at the Anaheim Angels baseball game, oh so many years ago, that you did a lovely column about.”

Tom’s response to Ellen: “Of course, I remember. I was seated behind home plate near you. An Angels’ employee came and escorted you to the pitcher’s mound. I noticed your name on the scoreboard monitor. You did a great rendition of the National Anthem.

“When you returned to your seat, I introduced myself. I think we might have had one coffee date. That column was titled, “A Star Spangled Night,” and was published on August 30, 1995, almost 25 years ago to the day. It was the 61^st column I had written (now over 4,000).

Ellen added, “I read in your 8/14/20 eNewsletter that you met Diane Sawyer. I’m envious. I have a picture of her in my scrapbook from when she crowned Linda Felber, America’s Junior Miss in 1964. Linda was from a little town 20 miles away from where I grew up.

“I also have a picture with Johnny Cash. He sang at a Luther League Convention when I was in college. I was charged with keeping him comfortable. He was very quiet. A friend was the President of the National Luther League group, which is how I got the ‘job.’

“Earlier, in 1967, I sang for that convention in the Dallas Convention Center. I thought it would be my biggest audience ever: 17,000 young people. But, the 35,000 fans at the baseball game topped that.

“Paul and I have been together for nine years. Our initial meeting was thru business, thru a networking group. Then some years later, someone else that was a referral from that same networking group, also knew him and set us up to meet at a political breakfast.

“I remembered him; he didn’t remember me. He was in a relationship when we first met.

After breakfast, we planned to have coffee, but in the end, we got together to see a house jazz concert and the rest is history.

“We are happy to be in Seattle with a little cooler weather. I’m still ‘working.’ Became an insurance agent specializing in Medicare. I keep trying to retire, but it’s hard when you can help people understand this very confusing plan. Fortunately, it’s seasonal.”

More small-world stuff – a common bond in Grand Haven Michigan

On Sunday, August 9, I received an email from a Champ named Larry who travels between a summer home in Michigan, a home in Florida, and the home of his daughters and granddaughters in Laguna Niguel, California. He has been a widower for a year after 45 years of marriage.

He became a subscriber to this eNewsletter (a Champ) by searching online for senior dating in Orange County. He found my FindingLoveAfter50.com website and signed up.

In exchanging emails, we discovered that Larry, and my Uncle, George Pardee, were great friends while Larry was the City Manager of Grand Haven, Michigan. That was like 40 years ago.

Larry was in Laguna Niguel this week so we got together for lunch at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli, in Dana Point. Larry will be back in Southern California in October, November, and December.

Tom and Champ Larry near Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point

My friendship with another remarkable Champ – Les Jones, a World War II vet led to a mortgage refinance for me that made sense

Les Jones has been a Champ and a personal friend for more than three years. He’s also a widower. He’s 94 and lives in San Juan Capistrano. A couple of months ago, we were talking about real estate. I told Les I’d like to refinance my mortgage but three lenders I contacted felt I wouldn’t qualify.

Les said, “You should contact my friend Vanessa Schwartz. I’m working with her on financing some real estate and she does incredible work, especially with veterans.

I called Vanessa. She said, “We can make this refinance happen.” My interest rate was 4.25% at that time.

On Wednesday this week, Vanessa, Les, and I got together for lunch in San Juan Capistrano to celebrate my refinance. My loan went to 2.88%. A vast improvement over the first loan I ever had in Orange County in 1987 at 13%.

As a World War II vet, Les is good friends with Gary Sinese—actor, director, musician, and producer–who sponsors the Sinese Foundation, which benefits veterans.

Vanessa said, “I was so inspired and enlightened by Les’s stories and how so many that had served allow us to enjoy the freedoms that we have today. It gave me such a higher level of appreciation and gratitude. It made me want to help and this seemed like the perfect way to help those men and women and their families.

“I know the Sinise Foundation is near and dear to Les, not to mention that every dollar goes to those in need (none kept for management). I’m doing this, not to pay back, but to give recognition and appreciation. It really feels good to do this and I hope to write a lot more checks.”

Vanessa can be reached at http://www.whyvanessa.com or email vschwartz@arborfg.com.

Because of our Champ Les, and because I am a veteran, and because Les introduced me to Vanessa, she donated $1,000 to the Sinese Foundation. Here’s the three of us after lunch.

Les Jones, WW II vet, Vanessa Schwartz, and Tom Blake on August 19, 2020

It was a busy and rewarding week. Knowing so many of you incredible Champs is an inspiration to me. Stay safe.

Scenes from An Italian Restaurant

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 14, 2020
Scenes from An Italian Restaurant

By Tom Blake columnist

I have often stated that opinions and experiences shared by our Champs are what make publishing this eNewsletter possible each week.

Today’s help came from Stephanie in the Midwest. She saw an article in the New York Post newspaper that she felt all of us would enjoy.

Sometimes, the information from Champs strikes a chord with me in some strange, remote-connection sort of way. That happened with Stephanie’s information this week.

The essence of today’s story from the NY Post is about two students who were crowned homecoming king and queen in 1992 at Montclair State University in New Jersey. The crowning took place on the 50-yard line of the school’s football field during halftime of a game. The king and queen knew each other, but never dated.

After college, the homecoming king and the queen went separate ways. Each one married and had children, and each divorced in 2016.

Both joined the dating app Bumble. They were surprised to come across each other, as it had been pretty much out-of-sight, out-of-mind for 24 years.

On April 5 of this year, the king proposed to the queen. On August 1, they married on the same football field where they had been crowned 28 years before. Montclair State University cooperated by hosting a wedding with social distancing in place.

Granted, these kids are much younger than most of us. However, the love story is still pretty darn neat. The article quoted the king about his re-meeting the queen: “There was instant trust and warmth. We just slipped right into the conversation as if we were sitting in the school cafeteria. I didn’t want it to end.”

The words: as if we were sitting in the school cafeteria? are a perfect description.

Their honeymoon was a bit unusual as well. On August 4, the king had knee-replacement surgery at St. Barnabas Hospital.

Strike-a-chord situation number one

How did this story strike a chord with me? First, it happened at Montclair State University. How many people have been there? (No offense intended) Or, even heard of it? Well maybe more than one realizes, after all, it is the second-largest university in New Jersey.

I was there in 1961, after my college graduation. I was hired by Irving Trust Company in NYC. A fellow DePauw University graduate named Peter Work lived near Montclair, NJ. We decided to get together. He was a heck of a football player at DePauw and he wanted to go to the Montclair State University football game that weekend, which we did.

While getting a Coca Cola at halftime, we met two nice coeds. We sat with them during the second half. We invited them on dates, but they felt Peter and I were too old for them (they were juniors, probably 19 or 20).

However, I’ve always had a warm spot in my heart for Montclair State University because of that one day in 1961.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/italy-23-days-by-train

Strike-a-chord situation number two

But there was a second strike-a-chord situation for me from this king and queen story. It made me think of my favorite Billy Joel song, “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant,” which was on The Stranger album.

In the song, Joel sings about Brenda (I swear, sometimes Joel pronounces her name Brender) and Eddie, the queen, and the king of the prom. And how they married too soon out of school. And quickly got divorced.

So this week, when I read the NY Post king and queen article that Stephanie sent, it reminded me of Joel’s song about Brenda and Eddie. I pondered the contrast of those two king and queen relationships.

In 2005, Greta and I, and her daughter Tammi, went to NYC when I was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America.

June 2005 – Tom, Greta and Diane Sawyer on GMA

On one of the nights in NYC, Greta, Tammi and I went to the Broadway musical, “Movin’ Out,” the story of Billy Joel’s music. My favorite song in that production was “Scenes From An Italian Restaurant.”

Poster from Movin” Out

I wonder if the Montclair State couple had gotten married right out of school, if they would have stayed together, unlike what happened to Brenda and Eddie?

Or, what if Brenda and Eddie, had waited 28 years to get marry? What would have happened?

So, Champ Stephanie’s thoughtfulness triggered today’s eNewsletter. Wonderful memories, coincidences, and strange ponderings by me.

Treat yourself to listening to “Scenes from An Italian Restaurant.” Don’t be in a hurry, it’s 7:37 of pure joy. And, oh my gosh, Richie Cannata, the saxophone player is incredible.

You can click on “Skip the ads” soon after the video begins.

Thanks, Stephanie, for providing this week’s topic.

Link to New York Post article: https://nypost.com/2020/08/09/nj-couple-marries-28-years-after-being-homecoming-king-and-queen/

Joe L Brown widow and widower love story responses

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 31, 2020

by Tom P Blake columnist

Six words. Succinct Responses from Women Champs

Andree, San Clemente, Ca., responded to last week’s eNewsletter about the romance of Paulita and Joe L Brown. What Andree wrote was concise, short, and meaningful:

“Your story gives me hope at 71 years young. I do not want to marry again, once was enough for me. Having a nice partner to do things with would be lovely. I trust in God and if it’s meant to be it will be. I am blessed having many friends, male and female. And I have lifetime friends all over California.”

Responses from three other women to last week’s eNewsletter echo Andree’s words.

Jennifer, “This is a warm and wonderful widow and widower love story and I sure hope it happens to me, too.”

Kathy B., “Thank you for another encouraging and heartwarming story of senior love. During this time of sometimes complete isolation, the glimmer of hope shines through; this is one of those glimmers.”

Reni, “That’s a story that warmed my heart; I wish I could find a love like that after my husband, the light of my life, passed four and a half years ago. Thanks for sharing and giving hope.”

In my opinion, the sentences the above four women shared can be culled down to six words, which are listed below, with my comments under each word.

1 Hope

Hope is something we all need. Hope is positive. It provides us with a warm glow and gives us a purpose for which to live. It’s a feeling that reminds us that everything’s going to be all right.

2 Age

At age 71, Andree is, indeed young. Lots of great things can happen in her life. I think of my mom, who was widowed at age 55 and then lived 43 years on her own. She kept her mind and body active. She loved her life and made the best of it, where she lived in an adult community called Oakmont, in Santa Rosa, Ca. At 91, she bought a new car. She was an avid reader. She played her last hand of bridge three weeks before she died, four months shy of age 99. So, indeed, Andree is young.

3 Marriage

Whether a person Andree’s age has never married, or been married once, twice, three times or even more, I understand not wanting to marry again.

Greta and I have been together 23 years. We both were married more than once. We didn’t see the need to do that again. For us, our life has been great together. Champs who don’t want to marry again have lots of company within our group of approximately 2,000 members.

However, if older people want to remarry, that’s ok, nothing wrong with that, if it’s right for them.

I have a buddy in Hawaii who just married for the first time at age 72.

4. Companionship

Oh wow, this is “the biggie” among our women Champs. I can’t tell you how many of them say having someone to share things with is their biggest wish.

And it’s the most elusive wish. In 26 years, I’ve quoted hundreds of women who’ve asked “Where are the men?”

At Andree’s age, the ratio of single women to single men is approximately 3.5-to-one. (Plus, some women proclaim that not all men in the dating pool are relationship material!). Hence, a more accurate ratio may be close to four-to-one. Now that’s a challenge. But, that’s where hope comes in. It’s still possible, but getting out and about are essential to helping reduce that ratio. And, of course, now, during the pandemic, that is more difficult.

5. Faith

Many women Champs say they trust in a higher power to bring them a match. Most of them, also add, that they realize they can’t just sit home and expect Mr. Right to appear. They understand, when the virus subsides, they will need to get out and about. Of course, a little help from above would be graciously appreciated.

6. Friends

Staying in touch with friends is particularly important during this time of quarantine. We have written about the damaging effects of loneliness on the health of seniors in previous eNewsletters. According to doctors and research, loneliness can be as deadly as many of the nasty diseases out there. Avoid social isolation.

Reach out by phone (face time) or email or Zoom to see and interact with each other. As we wrote about a month ago, “Don’t let the old man or old woman in!” Take the initiative. Contact those friends. Meet in-person safely with them while ensuring proper distancing. Avoid close-together group gatherings.

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 7, 2020

by columnist Tom P Blake

The Canadian pronghorn antelope

An exasperated male Champ has raised his arms in frustration. Martin emailed this week: “What is the answer to all this lack of love between the sexes? I am 76, a healthy male. I find women around my age so independent these days they are more interested in their dogs or pets than a good loving intimate relationship.

“I have found most dating sites a waste of time with most women just playing a game and not at all serious about finding a good man.

“Have all women lost their hormones? Trying to make love more than once a week is almost impossible in a lot of relationships–mine included. A big problem is a difference in libido! Don’t women realize how healthy sex is for the human body? What happened to Senior sex?

“I compare this dating game to my hobby of keeping chickens. When I let them out of the barn in the morning, my rooster tries to chase and mount some of his harem but with great difficulty.

“The hens don’t want him but he catches them. Are the hens playing a game also? It’s a wonder I ever get any fertile eggs being laid. Two hens seem to like him and roost next to him on the perch at night.”

The email was signed: “Yours, a frustrated human rooster, Martin.”

Nearly at a loss for words, I wrote to Martin: “Dear Frustrated Human Rooster. May I print what you wrote?”

Martin said, “Yes. I am a Canadian living in Marmora, Ontario. I was in a love affair for over 10 years. The relationship kept getting worse.

“We were opposites, but initially the sex was good. I felt she had some hang-ups; she worked less and less at keeping the relationship together.

“Now with COVID-19 she has said, ‘That’s it,’ ‘goodbye,’ and bought a $2000 dog for company.”

I answered: “Your words, a $2,000 dog for company remind me of my first-ever newspaper column, written July 7, 1994, titled, “Home Alone with only dogs for company.” That column was written six months after my wife, without warning, cleaned out the house on Christmas Eve 1993 and moved out of my life. I was away visiting my 83-year-old mom in Northern California.

“The gist of that column wasn’t about wondering if women had lost their interest in sex, rather, it was whether they had lost their interest in dating altogether. I couldn’t get anybody to go out with me.

“Similar to what your girlfriend said to you, “That’s it,” my wife also had done the same.

“I didn’t have to buy a $2,000 dog, I already had two dogs at home. Besides thoughtfully leaving them for me, my wife left four other items: a TV, bed, couch and a cassette player. That’s it: six items.

“I think the answer for you might be: “She’s just not that into you,” a take-off from the popular, ‘He’s just not that into you,’ book from the 2004-2005 era.

“In the 1970s, when I was single and working for the Victoria Station restaurant chain, one of the founders, Bob Freeman, liked to jerk my chain. He called me “a pronghorn antelope,” describing his perception of my dating modus operandi (pronghorns, by the way, aren’t antelopes; they are classified as mammals. They are the fastest land animal in North America, 60 miles per hour).

Pronghorn antelopes (photo courtesy San Diego Zoo)

Bottom line: 42-years later, undoubtedly, some men are still pronghorn antelopes. But Marty, since, you are north of the border, we’ll call you “The Canadian pronghorn antelope.”

“Cool your jets. Take a deep breath. Tend to your chickens. Becoming single later in life is a bear. Although you may not see it at the current time, someone more compatible with you could enter your life, when you least expect it.

“Who knows? Maybe one of our woman Champs, who lives near Ontario, will ask to correspond with you.“If that happens, put your libido in the Canadian deep freeze, at least until the spring thaw.” Senior sex can wait.

Joe L Brown

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 24, 2020

By Tom Blake

A widow and widower love story

In November 1990, Joe, age 72, lived in Dana Point, California. He had been a widower for 13 months. He missed his lifelong mate and married partner of 45 years.

Joe believed he would remain single the rest of his life. No one—he was convinced—could fill the emptiness he felt. As a favor, he would escort women friends to functions, but had no interest in becoming involved.

Years before, while living in Pittsburgh, PA, Joe and his wife had been inseparable friends with three other couples. Now, all that remained of that group in Pittsburgh were three widows. Joe kept in touch with them, sharing each other’s pain, loneliness, and memories.

For Thanksgiving 1990, a friend invited Joe to Coronado, a city across the Bay from San Diego. He was seated next to a woman named Paulita. Coincidentally, they both had attended Beverly Hills High School but did not know each other because Joe was two years older.

Joe and Paulita talked for hours. Joe said, “I knew I had been shot through the heart with a love-arrow but was disappointed to learn that Paulita was leaving for Mexico in two days for the winter.”

That night, Joe confided to a friend: “I’ve fallen in love, but she’s leaving in two days.”

The friend insisted, “Call her first thing tomorrow, tell her you want to see her before she goes.”

The next morning, Joe and Paulita made a date for that night. When Joe picked her up at her San Diego home, he said, “There’s something I’m going to tell you.”

“What is it?” Paulita said.

“I’ll tell you during dinner,” Joe replied.

The restaurant was a few miles away in La Jolla. In the car, Paulita kept asking, “What is it?”

“I’ll tell you at dinner,” Joe repeated, determined to wait until they were seated at the restaurant.

Finally, the time of reckoning arrived. Paulita had no idea what Joe was going to say. After a cocktail, Joe mustered the courage to tell Paulita.

“Yesterday, I fell in love with you. I want to be with you.”

Paulita was dumbfounded. “Aren’t we going a little fast?” she asked.

“At our age, we don’t have a lot of time,” Joe said. “May I visit you in Mexico after the Holidays?”

Paulita’s enthusiastic response: “YES!”

The next morning, Joe called Paulita. “Have a safe trip. I love you.”

That night, he called her in Mexico to ensure she arrived there safely.

Then, he called his son and daughter.

He said, “I’ve fallen in love.”

His son said, “Dad, you’re kidding.”

His daughter said, “Dad, you’re kidding.”

He said to both of them: “Even old people can fall in love. Love doesn’t come out, it escapes.”

Joe and Paulita talked twice a day by phone. A few days later, he said, “I can’t wait until after the Holidays. I want to see you tomorrow.”

She said, “Great!” He did. And he stayed in Mexico for eight days, which included asking Paulita to marry him.

She said, “Great!”

He returned to California for Christmas with his children. And then he returned to Mexico to see Paulita for another 12 days. They set a wedding date.

Joe notified his three widow friends in Pittsburgh of his wedding plans. They shared his joy.

In February 1991, Joe and Paulita married.

Joe told me this story in 1995. He was a customer of Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point deli. We had become good friends. We talked a lot about baseball; we talked about senior romance.

He said, “I love Paulita as much now as I did four years ago.”

The following week they left for Mexico. Together.

The rest of the story from Tom

In 1995, I had been a newspaper columnist for 30 months. The story of Joe and Paulita was column number 74. At Joe’s request, I did not use their true names. Instead, I called them Ed and Jackie.

There was a reason for Joe’s request. Dana Point was a small city. Lots of people knew each other. Joe was a humble man, not wanting to draw attention to himself and Paulita. He was well known, the son of the famous comedian and actor, Joe E. Brown.

But our Joe in this article was Joe L. Brown, who was the general manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball team for 21 years, from November 1955 until the end of 1976.

Photo of Joe L Brown presented to Tutor and Spunky’s Deli. Joe wrote: “Great food. Good People.”

Under Joe’s leadership, the Pirates won two World Series Championships, in 1960 and 1971. Most old-timer baseball fans remember when Bill Mazeroski hit the lead-off home run in the ninth inning against the New York Yankees to win the 1960 series.

Joe was responsible for putting together “The Lumber Company,” a group of powerful hitters that included Roberto Clemente, Willie Stargell, Dave Parker and Al Oliver, to name a few of them. After retiring, Joe was Chairman of the Baseball Hall of Fame Veterans Committee.

I recall him sharing with me who the committee might consider for entry into the Hall of Fame that particular year. He and I had a special connection, mainly because of a love for baseball.

After Paulita died, Joe moved to Albuquerque to be near his daughter Cynthia. He passed away at 91 on August 10, 2010.

A month or so after he died, Cynthia called me to thank me for being such a great friend of her dad’s. Needless to say, her call meant a great deal to me and warmed my heart. I am truly blessed to have known this incredible man.

And that’s the rest of the story.

I won’t settle responses and more

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 17, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

Part One – Responses to: “I won’t settle”

Part 2 – What two Champs are doing during COVID-19

Part 3 – Appreciating our lives

Part One – Responses to: “I won’t settle”

Last week, we wrote about Stacy, who, in four years, has settled for a man’s indifference towards her. She asked for advice. Comments from 10 women, some who’ve had similar experiences, follow:

Pat, Sacramento, emailed:

“This is a classic case of a woman hearing what she wants to hear. She has allowed herself to be manipulated into a ‘friends-with-benefits’ situation. The only time the man has ‘integrity’ is when he states that he doesn’t want to get married. Maya Angelou said, ‘When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time.’

“This lady should immediately get a paperback copy of He’s just not that into you, a landmark relationship guide.

“This woman is a sitting duck for the scam artists that patrol online sites. They are experts in telling women what they want to hear. If this lady only lost four years, she got off easy. It could have been a lot worse.

“She should not even bother to tell the man goodbye. Just get the book, a coach if necessary, and start her new life. The man is not the problem; she is her own worst enemy. If he contacts her, she should not bother to play the blame game, since she was an active participant. She should simply state that she decided to ‘Get a life!’

“I can state this advice bluntly because I have had these dysfunctional behaviors myself and have recovered.”

Joanie, “Stacy is desperate, and Bob is offering her crumbs. He does not want more than a friends-with-benefits relationship. She, on the other hand, seems to have a very tolerant attitude towards men and is willing to compromise. She should look for a better man.

“Bob is continuing to look for ‘Mrs. Right,’ and he does it in front of her eyes. Stacy’s great challenge is the fear of being alone.

Shelley, “Stacy is settling; she wants to matter to this man, but he isn’t making her a priority.

“If a relationship is not reciprocal, it’s not equal. Stacy should date other men and take a ‘break’ from Bob. Keeping quiet out of fear of rocking-the-boat never works in the long run.

“Bob’s actions don’t demonstrate love. She is not respecting herself.

Susan, “Stacy seems to have visualized that this man is perfectly suited for her but is ignoring the red flags. A person needs to either accept who someone is or end the relationship.

“Yes, it is very hard to let go of the good parts of the relationship but as long as there are parts that don’t work and those parts cannot be accepted with peace and grace, the relationship will never work. Maybe that is what her man sees, but since he is in control, it does not bother him.”

Barb, “Stacy’s situation hit pretty close to home! I have been in a relationship with a guy for eight years. We are very compatible. He is just a GREAT guy, was such a hard worker (just retired), willing to help others. He’s been married and divorced three times, bad marriages, not looking to remarry!

“He’s always telling me how wonderful I am, beautiful, honest, and it’s quiet when I’m not there, etc., but he just moved 1600 miles away. I just returned from spending almost a month there; I’m hoping he will realize what he is missing!

“I will be moving too. Where?? not sure, just out of here. Can’t handle this Arizona heat and take care of my place without his help. Life is what you make it…in a sense, but it is better with someone you love!!

“Reading Stacy’s letter was particularly painful. I have been where she is. Why is it so much easier to see it in someone else?”

Sylvia, “I understand, Stacy, that you want the relationship so much you’re willing to delude yourself into thinking it will change, it will be different, he’ll figure it out eventually. He won’t.

“What he will do is meet someone else and move on while you’re left wondering what you did wrong. What you did was not value yourself. You’re so grateful that he is spending some time with you that you’re willing to overlook important signs. When he is gone, you will have wasted over four years. You can’t ‘fix’ him, you can only fix you.

Value yourself. Don’t settle. Find someone who appreciates you, but you must appreciate yourself first.

“I’d rather be alone than spend time with someone who makes me feel insecure and unsure of myself.”

Jackie, Georgia: “OMG! Is there a book- ‘I Stayed Tooo Long?’ If not, there should be. My heart hurts when ladies settle!

“I had someone pop into my FB about a month ago that showed interest who now lives in Texas but grew up in Michigan close to my home. He was a retired Chaplin and did a lot of spiritual outreach. We had many things in common.

“It didn’t take long for him to sign his notes with hugs and kisses. There was a silent time that I didn’t hear from him, so I showed concern he may have gotten the virus. He said, no, he had broken up with a lady and felt depressed.

“But he told me I was number-one now (what a joke)! He would say how he went to sleep with his ‘Jackie’ pillow. But when he sent me some red-hot lips, I asked him if he was wearing lipstick and mentioned I was interested in someone knowing my heart not the lust of the flesh!

“He blocked me and I haven’t heard from him since! I’m doing a happy dance!

“It’s been nine years since I divorced after 42 years (talk about staying tooo long) and now over three years that Randy, my second husband, passed away.

“I’m trusting in God to be the lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. He led me to Randy and He can do it again without my chasing to look for someone who may not be right. However, I’m not sitting in a chair waiting!

Kaitte, “I don’t think she wants to hear it but if a guy broke it off with me the FIRST time, I would have said that’s it. What’s That old saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me–because I let it happen again.

“I would rather be in the single, no-drama state I’ve been in for these 20 years than wonder if someone is screwing me over.”

Leslie, “Stacey says she’s never been as happy. She doesn’t sound happy to me. My bet is if she did as you suggested, she’d find someone who appreciates her.

“Bob sounds like guys I’ve known, so many women out there, he’s playing the victim from a previous marriage as an excuse because he knows he ‘has’ Stacey while he plays around.

“Well, Stacey, there are lots of men out there too. I’ve stayed in relationships too long, also. Out of fear. Wasted lots of time.

“I wish Stacey the courage and the knowing there are men out there who will love her, tell her so, and make a lifelong commitment.”

Diane, 59, shared: I was married 20 years. A year after my divorce, I met Lewis and spent 10 years with him on and off. In year four, his son moved in with him. He gave his son everything the son wanted.

“I should have left him then, but I loved him and thought I could change him. I ended the relationship after 10 years by moving out of state, so that I would not have the urge to contact him, or run into him, or see him again. Tried online dating three times–not for me.

“I’ve learned that I am the only person that can make me happy.”

Part 2 – What two Champs are doing during the virus

Last weekend, I visited Vince and Julie, who are Champs that have a booth at the Dana Point Farmer’s Market on Saturdays. They sell hats and other forms of merchandise with all sorts of different logos.

Champs Vince and Julie

I’ve known Vince for 27 years when he was a tennis pro and later the manager of the Ritz Carlton Hotel Gift Shop. I asked him about possibly having some hats made with a “Tom’s Champs” logo, which I’m thinking of creating.

Vince gave me his business card to check out their company’s website. Oh my gosh, I had no idea his company does personalized logos, hats, clothing, and patches that can be pasted or sewn on to garments. They prepare items for people all over the USA, not just Dana Point.

There are actually three Champs living in Vince’s and Julie’s home. Julie’s Mom, Dee, a longtime Champ, lives with them. They are wonderful, helpful people and very talented. Their contact information is on the website. Check out the website at the end of today’s article; you might find something you’d like.

Part 3 – Appreciating our lives

News came in this week that made Greta and I realize how fortunate we are. It had nothing to do with the virus. Nonetheless, it shook us up.

On May 25, 1999, my nephew Derek, who lived in Dallas, was able to get tickets to the Fifth Annual Blockbuster Entertainment Awards at the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles. He invited Greta and I to attend, along with his friends, Jim and Marci Kalina, who lived in nearby Laguna Niguel. The Kalinas never did anything second class, so they hired a limo for six of us to transport us to and from Los Angeles. Derek also got us tickets to a VIP Post Party.

And Derek somehow got us into an even more private special VIP party that was in an upstairs room for the entertainers. We met the members of NSYNC; I recall having a nice conversation with Lance Bass.

When Greta spotted a place to sit on a couch next to John Travolta and his wife Kelly Preston, she sat down. Kelly was 36 at the time. Greta struck up a friendly conversation with the Travolta’s and I took this photo.

Greta, John Travolta and Kelly Preston – May 25, 1999, Los Angeles
photo by Tom Blake

This week, Kelly Preston passed away at 57, from breast cancer. Greta and I were stunned. Having met her, it just didn’t seem right that she passed so early. We feel bad for John and the family. They’ve had tough sledding in their lives—a son, age 16, named Jett, passed away in 2009.

Greta and I feel blessed that we’ve been able to enjoy our lives for so long.

The link to Champ Vince’s and Julie’s Going Somewhere Sportswear website:

http://www.gssportswear.com

Woman, 60, says, “I won’t settle!” But she already has – for 4 years

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – July 10, 2020

By Columnist Tom Blake

“I won’t settle,” a senior single woman says, but she already has – for four years

Stacy wrote, “Have any Champs ever mentioned that they don’t understand the relationship they are in and don’t know how to accurately describe it? I feel that way.

“I am 60, a senior single woman, successful in my career, have three grown children, take care of myself, own my home, and repeatedly have been told I am attractive.

“After 26 years of marriage, I divorced my husband in 2014. In 2015, I met, Bob, a wonderful man on Plenty of Fish (POF). We live 50-60 minutes by car away from each other. We instantly hit it off. We share many similar characteristics, likes and dislikes, temperaments, values, and life priorities. I knew early on that he was a man of integrity and quality.

“When we met, Bob had been divorced 13 years after a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage but hadn’t healed from the scars. While I was happy and feeling hopeful about our future, Bob always held back.

“During the first two years of dating, Bob broke up with me twice. I was devastated the first time; we reconciled after a week. The second time, I was hurt and confused but each day became easier. We reconciled after three months. We have been dating each other for two years since.

“Bob has always told me he didn’t want to remarry and that I should date others because he knew I wanted a lifetime partner.

“I won’t ask him questions if I don’t think I’d like the answers, fearing they likely would be hurtful and might cause the relationship to end.”

“We continue to spend most weekends together. Plus, we call and email during the week. We both are busy in our work. Right before our third anniversary, I had an uneasy feeling after an evening phone call with him. He sounded vague, suspicious. I checked his POF profile and yes, he was looking for other women to date.

“I was so upset, at 10:45 p.m., I drove an hour to his house. I confronted him about his profile. He was reassuring, saying it didn’t mean anything, he just liked reading profiles, and that no one ever contacted him. I wanted to believe him, but it took a lot of soul-searching and determination to try again. I asked him to take down his profile and be exclusive. He agreed.

“Now, into our fourth summer, and with the COVID-19 virus making seeing each other more difficult, we have had and continue to have our ups and downs. We spend as much time as we can together, but we both took extended vacations to visit family and have been apart quite a lot.

“Last week, I began to wonder if I should resume dating other men. He seems content with our situation. However, he is unwilling to involve himself emotionally. He keeps up a guard, a wall.

“He does not allow himself to be put in vulnerable situations. He goes to great lengths to avoid confrontation. And yet, I can see love in his eyes and in his smile. However, he has never told me in four years that he loves me.

“I saw an ad on Our Time and decided to look at it. Guess what I found? A profile that matched Bob’s 100%! No picture or words this time, I’m guessing he doesn’t want to pay. I cannot tell you how hurt I have been. I didn’t mention it this past weekend because I don’t want him to know I know.

“I went online this evening and he had been active within one hour of me leaving him. I don’t see how he would have time to meet and date women. I think he is just reading the profiles as a hobby.

“I stay with him because I cannot imagine any other person making me as happy as Bob makes me. It doesn’t matter what we do, we have fun and enjoy being together. We finish each other’s thoughts and sentences. He is smart, funny, clever, and kind. He is very easy-going and accepting of others.

“I want him to stop looking at dating profiles! I’d settle (bold face and italics entered by Tom) for some kind reassurances and travel plans. Bob needs to find a more appropriate hobby.

“I would appreciate your opinion.”

Tom’s answer to Stacy

“Stacy, I’m trying to be respectful and diplomatic. However, it’s probably not what you want to hear.

‘You are part of the problem with Bob. In the second to last paragraph, you said, “I’d settle for…” You already have settled. You have settled for four years of not being told he loves you. You have settled because you are afraid that the truth will be painful. You are afraid if you rock Bob’s boat, you will be alone, possibly forever.

“For two people to succeed as a couple, there must be open, honest communication. You don’t have that with him because of your fear.

“You have settled by thinking his studying online profiles of other women is just a hobby and you are not facing the reality that he is looking for another woman who will make him happier. A man of ‘integrity and quality,’ as you referred to him, does not do that.

“You have settled for him telling you to date others, while not knowing if he has or is dating because you fear knowing the truth.

“You see love in his eyes and his smile. But, his actions don’t connect with love. This is a man who hasn’t healed 17 years after his divorce. Bob is not going to change,

You need to:

1. Identify what you want from this relationship

2. Open communications and get the cards on the table, not just about his “online hobby,” but about all things important

3. Be prepared to be on your own because that’s likely going to happen

4. Find self-esteem and courage

5. Stop settling

If you don’t do these things, you will be stuck in the same rut you’ve been in for the last four years.

Your situation reminds me of the title of my favorite Robert Earl Keen, Jr. song, “The road goes on forever” (and the party never ends.)

The party never ends at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point (prepared and delivered 600 sack lunches in 2013)

Link to “The Road Goes On Forever (and the party never ends): You can click on “skip ad” when the video first appears.