Tom Blake columnist – Page 2 – On Life and Love after 50

Responses to Debbie’s Fall

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 1, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s article, A Night at the ER, about senior balance and falling, triggered the most responses from Champs ever. Most were well wishes to Debbie, my significant other, who had tripped on thick grass and injured herself when she landed on the concrete sidewalk. Here is a message from Debbie to Champs.

“To all of Tom’s Champs who were so kind, thoughtful, and supportive with your words of inspiration, stories, as well as very warm get-well wishes. I want to thank all of you, as hearing from so many of you not only cheered me up, during what I would call one of the most difficult weeks of my life, but was also uplifting for Tom, which was also a very difficult week for him.

“The kindness he has shown you over his 30-plus years of writing is reciprocated back to him when he hears from you. I would also encourage all of you to write to him when you need or want to. Also, at the end of this eNewsletter, there is a link to Senior Safety, on the AgingCare.com website, something I discovered last week when searching for a concise list for myself as well as others. Again, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for all the well wishes. Debbie”

Here are a few of those responses.

Delores, “Been there a few times. No fun.”

Carolyn, “My heart literally stopped after reading the first two sentences! I thought ‘Oh no, not again.’ Falls are most dangerous for seniors no matter how strong we are. I’m happy to hear that Debbie is doing well! Please continue to take good care of her and yourself!!

Thyrza, “Your description of your unexpected visit to the ER to accompany Debbie, reminds me of my ER experience last Tuesday. My medical oncologist called me early that morning, saying he saw an inflammation of my appendix. He urged me to go to the ER at Orange Coast Memorial in Fountain Valley where I had my cancer treatment.

“My son drove from San Juan Capistrano to Huntington Beach and took me to the ER. With all the blood work and a digital copy of my CT scam, the surgeon on duty decided I needed a laparoscopy to remove my appendix. I was in the hospital for two days. I am well into recovery. It shows how unpredictable life can be.I wish a speedy recovery for Debbie.”

Curtis, “Six hours to be seen and out is fast. Around here, it’s 10-12 hours just to be seen.”

Bill, “Thanks for sharing, I’m glad Debbie is ok. This is an excellent reminder to us seniors.’

Wayne, “You took good care of her. In one of your columns, you might suggest that seniors take exercise classes that stress balance. I’ve been doing it for 4 years and it’s quite helpful. A fall can happen at any time. Hope she has a full recovery, and you can complete that dinner date.”

Margo, “All I can say is OMG! Excellent newsletter this week and you can never remind the seniors too often to be careful. Even though I try to be careful, I’ve had two mishaps this year (while hiking and bike riding), both were pretty bad but I’ve recovered.

“I was very lucky. Nothing broken but still recovering in some spots from the deep abrasions.”

Gloria, “What an ordeal for you and Debbie, I am happy to hear that she is not more seriously injured although bad enough by the sound of your story.

“As we age, senior falls and injuries are not uncommon, we just don’t see them coming. I also think it takes a mental toll when you’re injured.”

Cherie, “I had a near-death experience last year. I had to call 911 but was so out of it that I could hardly dial the number. No one was around to help me. I was barely able to dial. The ambulance came and took me to the ER. I received a blood transfusion. I had a stomach bleed and would have bled to death had I not been able to get help.

“What I learned: I now have a panic button which is a direct line to emergencies. I recommend this for all seniors. I also will be eternally grateful to the men and women in emergency. I was in intensive care for one night and then in the hospital for two more nights. We must know how to take care of ourselves and use the wonderful facilities at our disposal.”

Jim, Always be careful of our surroundings and try to balance as much as possible. Always go to ER if there is a head injury. And look around for any kind of hazard that can cause a fall. Be careful of ladders. Try balancing on one foot for 5-20 minutes.”

(Hey Jim, how about balancing on one foot for 10 seconds?)

Carol, “I worry about falling every day…old age!”

Dr. David Allen, a fraternity brother of mine, the State Commissioner of Health for Kentucky, 1980-83. “Trips to the ER are exhausting and terrifying!”

Bonnie, “You made the best decision. I have been to that emergency room. They are great. Prayer for Debbie for a full recovery. God hears us when we ask.”

The link to the General home safety tips that Debbie referred to is

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/making-home-safer-for-seniors-a-room-by-room-assessment-121363.htm

I recommend you click on this link and print out a copy for yourself. Granted it seems a lot to comprehend. However, implementing just one tip might save you or a loved one from a fatal fall.

Tom’s Final Comment: I appreciate your participation. If none of us falls or has a serious accident this week, we will get back to the senior dating topics next week. Send me your dating questions and comments.

A Week of Little Blessings

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter September 13, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

An eight-foot statue of Johnny Cash is being unveiled in the Nation’s Capitol Emancipation Hall on September 24. I thought, how cool, I’d love to be there, but I assumed it would be an exclusive “by invitation only” event. I searched online for details.

I saw a copy of the formal invitation sent to United States Senators and House Members. Even they had to RSVP to reserve a seat and indeed, it was an “invitation-only” event. I telephoned the Sargeant Of Arms spokesperson listed on the invitation and she told me there was no way I could get a seat on my own. She did mention that a limited number of seats had been set aside for Cash family members and suggested I contact them.

I’ve known Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for nearly 50 years. On a whim, I sent Danny, Rosanne’s road manager, an email request to ask Rosanne if there might be an empty seat left that I could occupy. For luck, I put on my Johhny Cash t-shirt before venturing out for the day.

Within minutes, Danny responded: “I’m sorry Tom, Rosanne has already used up her allotment.” I thought about guys like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson who are probably on Rosanne’s list so I wasn’t surprised or disappointed. However, being able to dream like that at my age is a little blessing.

My next-door neighbors, Jake and Kresta, have a son who lives in Nashville, Tennessee, and they own a home there. They visit often. A friend of mine who also owns a home in Nashville but lives in Dana Point stopped by my house that day to hopefully meet them. I introduced her to them. They compared notes and found that their homes are in the same suburb only a few blocks apart. They became friends. That was a little blessing. What a small world.

A while later, still wearing my Johnny Cash t-shirt, I stopped at Trader Joe’s. When checking out, there were two young men (age 20 or less) working the cash register together. While placing my items in a paper bag, one of the guys saw my t-shirt and said, “Do you like Johnny Cash?”

I replied, “Yes, I knew him and worked with him for two years. He was a great guy.”

The boy’s face lit up; he said excitedly, “I love Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash. The next time you come in can we take some time, and you tell me more about him?”

Here was a young man approximately 64 years younger than me and we both admire Johnny Cash. We had an immediate connection. That was a little blessing.

And speaking of Trader Joe’s, I’ve owned a black and red T.J.’s insulated bag for at least 20 years. I’ve taken it on trips overseas multiple times. It’s virtually a world traveler. It’s so versatile, lightweight, and convenient.

The day after being at Trader Joe’s, I walked to the sidewalk in front of my house. There was a new Trader Joe’s canvas tote bag, exactly like mine, on a bush near the sidewalk. It was empty except for a pink Gelson’s Market receipt that showed a name and a telephone number. I thought to myself, “I bet the owner would like to have that bag back. And if I leave it out here near the sidewalk, anybody walking by could snatch it.”

I brought the bag inside and texted the number on the receipt to explain I had found the bag. A day went by, no response. I decided to leave a voice message. Three hours later, the phone rang. It was Jack, the bag’s owner. I suggested we meet somewhere so I could give him his bag. I told him the name of my street.

He told me his. Same street. Turns out, he lives at number 5, and I live at number 15–50 yards away but around the corner. Both of us have been in the neighborhood for years. We had never met. And, now, we are friends. That was another little blessing.

This week, I stopped at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point. A woman I’ve known for 30 years named Eileen Gordon, a personal trainer who works in the same center, was there and we chatted for a few minutes.

I sell my books at the deli. A delightful employee named Apple told me a woman customer named Wendy Adam had bought one of my “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” books that I published in 2021. Wendy had left the book at the deli hoping I would sign below the picture on page 232.

The picture on page 232 is of Vern McGarry, a loyal deli customer, an accomplished skydiver, and the volunteer coach of the 2007 Dana Hills High School track and field high jumpers. Three high jumpers were also in the picture. Vern sadly passed away a few years ago.

And then Apple said with a tear in her eye, that one of the jumpers was Wendy’s son Jeff Adam. And that he had passed away unexpectedly at age 20, which is why Wendy wanted that page signed. Apple had Wendy’s phone number and called her to tell her I was at the deli signing the book.

As fate would have it, Wendy was doing personal training at Eileen’s exercise gym.

As I was about to sign under the picture, Wendy came into the deli. We had never met. I asked her about her son Jeff. She told me how Jeff had passed; it was a day after he performed in a decathlon event. She and I hugged. There were tears all around. Thanks to Apple for being so considerate and caring toward Wendy. What a little blessing that event at the deli was.

Blessings come in all sizes. I experienced them this past week. And I am blessed.

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

A special 70th Birthday

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 19, 2024

Alan Parsons (left) and Phil Green on stage at end of concert

Columnist Tom Blake and Senior Dating Expert

Sixteen years ago, on August 23, 2008, I was an Orange County California Deputy Marriage Commissioner for one day. I married Phil and Laurie Green at a ceremony in the historic mission city of San Juan Capistrano, California.

Phil was 54 and Laurie was in her mid-40s. They told me they wanted someone who knew them to marry them, that it would be more meaningful and personal. The county of Orange issued a one-day permit.

Phil had never married. Laurie was divorced in 2003 and had declared a moratorium on dating for “at least a year.” But, as often happens, life can change in an instant.

For Laurie, two things happened in late 2003. First, she met Phil at a party. Her one-year dating moratorium ended after a few months. They became a couple.

Second, her new-found bliss took a tough turn when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and Phil tackled her cancer as a team. Laurie beat cancer and four years later was the wedding.

In keeping with their shared love of music, they became friends with Alan and Lisa Parsons. Alan was the founder of the Alan Parsons Project, a progressive, 70s and 80s British rock band.

Lisa and Alan were among the guests at the wedding and seated in the front row. At the reception, the disc jockey included Parsons’ hit Sirius/Eye in the Sky in the playlist. I thought I had read that Alan had helped produce two Beatles albums, which I asked him about.

He said he had been an assistant engineer, not an assistant producer, on the Abbey Road and Let It Be albums. “Had I been an assistant producer, I’d be a very rich man,” Parsons said with a grin. (My photo from 2008 with Alan and Lisa is below).

I included Laurie and Phil’s love story in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.
Update 16 years later (July 19, 2024)

Last Sunday night, Laurie had a private 70th birthday party for Phil. My significant other, Debbie, and I were invited. It was held at Campus Jax restaurant in Newport Beach, California. Debbie and I agreed it was the most amazing birthday party either one of us had ever attended.

Laurie had done most of the preparation work. Here are some highlights.

1 Laurie and Phil are still happily married after 16 years, so I still have a perfect record, 1-0, for the people I married staying together

2 Laurie congratulated Debbie for completing her breast cancer treatments, as Laurie completed hers in 2004 (see photo of Laurie and Debbie below).

3 The Alan Parsons Project, with 8 members, including Alan, was the main event. Debbie and I were able to chat with Parsons and his wife Lisa beforehand. (see photo below).

And, of course, the band’s closing song was Sirius/Eye In The Sky. Everybody was on their feet and taking videos during the 6-minute song for which the band is noted. (a link to Debbie’s video of them performing the song is below)
A bonus was the appearance of the lead singer of Ambrosia, David Pack, who performed four of that group’s songs, such as “Biggest Part of Me.”

4 Birthday boy Phil was on stage leading a hilarious 25-question quiz about his life. And then, at the end of the concert, he was on stage with Alan Parsons celebrating his 70th. (see photo above).

5 Campus Jax is an ideal place for a concert. Every seat is within 50 feet of the stage. The acoustics were perfect and the 140 guests helped themselves to a yummy buffet dinner with some of the best pasta dishes we had ever eaten.

What a night. I almost forgot, Happy Birthday Phil, and thank you, Laurie.
Link to Sirius/Eye in the Sky (Facebook)

Responses to Downsizing and a Space X Surprise

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 21, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Responses to last week’s Declutter eNewsletter

Before I get into this week’s main topic, I want to report a phenomenon that happened to me on Tuesday night. I left my significant other’s (Debbie) house at 8:45 p.m. to drive home to Dana Point. It was turning dark, but the sunlight was still brushing the nearby mountain tops.

I noticed a bright jet contrail in the sky, the largest I had ever seen, which was illuminated by the sun. There appeared to be a rocket creating that contrail. I could see clearly that powerful engine clawing into space.

Naively, I immediately thought to myself, “This is supernatural. Is the USA under attack? With all the rhetoric from Russia about WW III, could this be it?”

I pulled my car over to phone Debbie, telling her to go outside and look at the sky. A minute later, the above photo popped onto my cellphone. Debbie had taken the photo.

I turned on KNX radio, an all-news station in Los Angeles. The reporters were going nuts, describing the highly visible contrails. I quickly learned that it was the SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket, that had been launched approximately six minutes before from Vandenberg Air Force Base near Santa Barbara, California.

Later, I read on Space.com: “The Falcon 9’s upper stage, meanwhile, continued hauling the 20 satellites toward low Earth orbit, where they’re scheduled to be deployed about an hour after liftoff. The new batch will join more than 6,000 operational satellites in the Starlink mega-constellation.”

My trepidation turned to awe. The rocket engine disappeared into space. And, as an afterthought, I appreciated how fortunate we are to live in peace on this planet and in this country.

And now. Responses to last week’s Downsizing and Decluttering

Often, my weekly eNewsletters generate enough helpful responses from Champs that I can write a follow-up meaningful column.

That didn’t happen last week. I wrote about decluttering and downsizing and only a few comments trickled in.

Champ Louise sent a lengthy response that included her philosophy of decluttering. However, it was her words in one paragraph that made me realize why decluttering isn’t a topic that Champs want to hear about.

Louise said, “You hit home with your ‘clutter’ comments. Our clutter used to be our life, and now it is a problem. Isn’t that ridiculous? To clear it is painful, enlightening, and very needed. Ask yourself if you were moving, would you pack this thing up and pay to have it moved? Probably not.”

Those comments helped me understand why Champs felt last week’s article was a yawner. The word “declutter” was a burr in their saddles. It takes time, it’s boring, it tugs on our emotions, and triggers memories of years gone by. It’s the most procrastinated senior activity.

I included in that column my brief experience trying to sell 143 Writer’s Digest Magazines I’ve kept since the late 1980s. And four Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters on Ebay (which I sold) and Facebook Marketplace.

Sheila emailed, “Somebody will want your items for sure, Tom. I have been downsizing for the last year and have had good luck with Marketplace, other than a few times people have responded wanting my cell phone number, (watch out) don’t ever give them your number.

“I posted two items yesterday. What I have found is you can get an inquiry months after posting it when you think no one is interested. I put a Seiko watch on three months ago and last week someone responded and bought it.

“I had knee replacement surgery May 9th so I’m also recovering but doing ok. Take care and good luck downsizing, it feels great to get rid of stuff.”

Sheila is right. I posted those magazines for sale in April. This week, I sold and shipped them to Missouri.

Jessica wrote, “I’d be interested in 10 of the most recent Writer’s Digests.”

Note from Tom: I apologize, Jessica. I wanted to sell them as an entire group and fortunately got rid of them. Besides, the most recent magazine was dated 2006, hardly recent.

Jim emailed, “Decluttering is on my to-do list every week. I procrastinate too much. My garage needs to be done and then my little bedroom. I’ve started getting rid of horse stuff at a consignment place in Norco (CA) but they take 40% on small stuff and 25% on saddles. I have received more than $650 already.

“I hope my five saddles will sell before I am required to reduce my prices by 20%. I’m going to try eBay and Marketplace soon. Do you know of anyone looking for a rein cow horse (Stella) 12 years old with whom I’ve won $1000? Price is $20k?”

Christine, emailed, “In January I finally decided to get rid of the remainder of my deceased husband’s collectibles that have been in my garage for years. I’ve sold much on eBay and was ready to have the Veterans’ truck show up and donate them all.

“Two weeks later, I saw an ad on my FB page for an estate sale company in Brea (next door city to Fullerton). I called and they came. Three loads in their Chevrolet Tahoe SUV, my garage was only filled with my stuff. It was so easy. They auction everything and take 50% off. Seems very fair because of how much work they do. They’re called Yellow Dog Estate Sales and they’re wonderful.”

Regina, “Six weeks ago I put decluttering as the first thing on my to-do list. I haven’t gotten to it yet. I have no excuses; it still sits on my to-do list!”

Tom’s Final Comment:

Enough about decluttering and downsizing. We all understand the need to do so. But it’s challenging.

Send me some senior dating questions, comments, or experiences. Let’s get back to the nuts and bolts of senior romance. July is just around the corner.

Downsizing and Decluttering

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – June 14, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Decluttering and Downsizing—no more procrastinating

As we move into our 70s, 80s, and 90s, we receive much advice about the need for us to declutter. We need to clean out our closets, offices, garages, attics, basements, and storage units so that after we pass, our offspring or relatives won’t need to deal with it.

Since I retired nine years ago when I sold Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, I’ve been reminding myself to put decluttering near the top of my bucket list.

It seems that every Monday when I step into my office, I say to myself, “This is the week I will go through this workspace and get rid of the junk I’ve been hoarding for years.”

And then, when the next Monday arrives, I repeat the same words, as I managed to procrastinate for yet another week.

Downsizing and decluttering are at the top of my accomplishment list this week. First off, I have two boxes in the living room filled with 142 old issues of Writer’s Digest magazines. I subscribed to Writer’s Digest in 1987 until 2011. Those monthly magazines taught me how to become a writer.

I don’t have the heart to toss them out. I contacted the Writer’s Digest headquarters, thinking those 142 magazines would be a gold mine to them. The guy on the phone said, “I’m sorry. Can you imagine how many old copies we have on our shelves? We are not interested.”

So, I ventured onto eBay and Facebook Marketplace. I have only sold one item on eBay and nothing on Facebook Marketplace as I just signed up for Marketplace this week.

On eBay, I sold a Super Bowl II ticket stub that had been in my office drawer for 56 years. I attended that game. The ticket sold for $600. Couldn’t believe it.

I’ve had one nibble on the 142 Writer’s Digest magazines on eBay. But I didn’t see the offer. I sent a letter to that man and he bought the magazines. There went to boxes from my living room floor. Hooray.

I was in my garage on Monday and looked up at four framed posters that used to be on my deli’s wall. They were oversized (28″ x 21″) poster photos of Sports Illustrated magazine swimsuit edition covers. Three were autographed by the models with some greeting to the deli on them. I thought holy cow, those four posters might be worth a lot. They haven’t sold yet. So, I keep lowering the price.

So, I did a big no-no for seniors, I climbed up a ladder, but just two steps, and pulled the posters down. They are framed in glass and are in great shape. I’m including pictures of the posters at the bottom of this newsletter.

I acquired them between 1989-1992 at private cocktail parties sponsored by Sports Illustrated, as a thank-you tribute to their advertisers. I got to attend because I had a buddy whose company had advertised in Sports Illustrated.

So here I was decluttering, something we seniors all need to do, and I spotted those posters. I’m not decluttering to earn money, but to help my heirs get rid of stuff. And, if I make a few bucks doing that, I’ll treat myself to a Big Mac and fries. Or, more likely a healthy salad instead. I decided to try to sell the four posters online and the 142 magazines.

I don’t think I have shared with you that the new woman in my life, Debbie, whom I met on Zoosk a year ago May 19, is recovering from breast cancer surgery she had three weeks ago. She’s doing well. No cancer had spread.

Debbie’s two daughters, Brianna and Tovah, have been helping her around her house. Of course, their primary mission is to be with their mom, helping Debbie recover. However, the two of them have appointed themselves to be Debbie’s declutter champions. Frankly, I’m thrilled about that.

Tovah is a whiz on Facebook Marketplace and stuff has started to disappear from being stored in Debbie’s garage. Buyers pick things up. I learned about selling stuff online from watching Tovah.

And Brianna is an initiator. On Monday, she rented a U-Haul van and drove it to Debbie’s storage unit. The three women asked if I could meet them at the storage unit in case they needed a hand. The emptying of the storage unit has begun. I agreed to help.

These two daughters, in their mid-40s, with that U-Haul truck parked outside, got busy. It turns out, they didn’t need my muscle power.

Inside that storage unit, they lowered a large couch onto a flatbed wheel cart, took it to the U-Haul van, and loaded it in. They told me (politely) to get out of the way. Then, at Debbie’s home, they carried it about 30 feet into the living room, not to mention lamps and chairs as well. I was dumbfounded. What a couple of go-getters!

When seniors downsize and declutter, they need to accept their children’s, relatives’, and friends’ help in getting rid of stuff. Make it happen. No more procrastinating.

For those of you who are good at placing items for sale online, or are just curious, go to Facebook and search on “Tom Blake Facebook Marketplace listings.” I’d like your opinions on the listings. I have stuff on eBay for sale as well. I’m wide open to suggestions.

Let’s all get busy downsizing and decluttering.

At 77, a Remarkable Woman Champ

On Life and Love Afer 50 eNewsletter

April 19, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

A bonus for me in writing these eNewsletters is I’ve become friends with many Champs. Most of them I’ve never met in person. We have what I call an LDF, (long-distance friendship). When I owned my deli in Dana Point, some would stop by and introduce themselves, but I sold the deli eight years ago so that way of meeting each other no longer exists.

One of them is FFF (her initials) who lives in Florida. In an email a couple of years ago, she mentioned that she is a Scorpio. That piqued my interest as I’m also a Scorpio, so I asked her what day her birthday is. She said, “November 11.” That’s my birthday also.

To me, November 11 is more than just my birthday. It was also my Mom’s birthday and it was called Armistice Day. On June 1, 1954, the federal government changed the name of November 11 to Veterans Day.

FFF is a remarkable Champ. At 77, she’s got more energy than the Energizer Bunny and has more men pursuing her than a woman in her 20s.

A year ago, she emailed: “I still am very young, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package (in a man). I don’t mind ‘part-time.’ My social calendar with friends is over the top…concerts, plays, restaurants…and I exercise every day. I’m still writing my book. Hopefully, by year-end, I will get it published.”

In response to last week’s “Catfishing” eNewsletter, FFF emailed, “I’ve never been ‘catfished’ although not for their lack of trying. Growing up in NYC and being ‘street smart’ might have saved me. There were a few men who tried to get me to send money…one guy said he was hurt and in Thailand. I said, ‘I have a good friend in Thailand (true) and he will meet you and help you.’ Ha ha…you know that never happened.

“I even called out a scammer one day and he argued with me for two days and finally apologized.

“I think (I hope, fingers crossed) that I met a ‘Nice Jewish Doctor.’ I will call him Barry. He is a retired clinical psychologist, turned to music (saxophone and guitar) opened a recording studio, and has won Emmys. He is originally from Long Island NY, lived in Sarasota (downtown) and now lives in a small town by the Gulf about 20 minutes from me.

“Barry is Jewish, as am I. He is six feet tall, 73-years-old. He is smart. He likes me…we’ve been talking, have exchanged brief texts, mostly phone conversations, and are having dinner next Wednesday.

“He wanted to meet me sooner but I’m so busy with work, working out (yup, yoga, Pilates, barre, Tai Chi, personal training, pickleball training, decorating my house, joining clubs where I live, nice neighbors, etc. and going to Illinois this weekend to celebrate my granddaughter’s 17th birthday…we are going to ‘high tea’ at the famous Drake Hotel in Chicago.

“Back to Barry, I decided to stop looking for younger men with good looks…both were important characteristics to me. I’m now thinking about values, kindness, how men treat me, and, how much they want to be with me.

“I have two other guys interested but I’m not. There seems to be a ‘bottomless’ pit concerning meeting men…never have a problem as us ‘Scorpios’ know. But meeting the right one is not easy.

“At this moment in time, I’m a very happy camper. My health is great…where I moved to in Florida is wonderful and life is really being kind to me or I’m being kind to me.

“I will be getting back to writing my book this summer. I’ve been busy selling real estate and getting my staging/decorating company up and running. I will, however, finish the book and maybe, with your help, publish it or get advice from you.

“I hope the doctor and I like each other in person. I have a good gut feeling and you know how we Scorpios are with our ‘intuition.’

“Remember the words she was just 17 from the Beatles song, “I Saw Her Standing There?” That’s how I feel at 77. Barry is 73.

I just turned down a 59-year-old guy and a 56-year-old guy.

Tom’s comment about FFF

As I wrote earlier, FFF is an amazing woman. She stays active via exercise and going out with friends. She dates younger men although her focus now is more on quality than age. Barry is 73. Will he be too old for her although he’s four years younger?

My only advice to her is regarding the book she’s writing. Do a little bit at a time, even now. Maybe 15-20 minutes a day or at night. The editing comes much later. Just getting thoughts down on paper is a big step forward. I will help in any way I can.

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”

Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023
Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s
Part two – The New York Times mention
By Columnist Tom Blake

Photo by Tom Blake. Walking trail sign in Alaska Appropriate for Champ Bob’s Question

Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s

Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years.

“I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see.

“Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing.

“I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?”

Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it.

Words and quotes from the 2011 article

“When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?”

“Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years.

“My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore.

“I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’

“Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?”
I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.)

What Champs said in 2011

Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.”

Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.”

Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.”

Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.”

Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!”

George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.”

I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow.

“As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.”

My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time.

And those are the words I say to Bob.

By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?”

I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

A psychotherapist shares her opinions

I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all.

“For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century.

“Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.”

So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can.

I look forward to our Champs’ responses.

Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times

One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear.

Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.”
Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday.

Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article:

“Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.”

Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).”

Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it.

“When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce