On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 4

Single seniors be assertive

Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024
Single Singles Be Assertive
By Columnist Tom Blake

Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing!

“I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone.

“I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad.

“He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man.

“Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that!

“I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since.

“I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday.

“I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!”

Tom’s response to Sharon

Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list.

And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of.

You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often).

I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman.

Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat.

And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive.

If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together.

Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person.

Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor.

And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”:

“Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone”
(song link below)

Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her.

Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop:

Bing Videos

Fantasy

Authentic Autographed USFL football owned by Tom

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 30, 2024
Senior Dating Fantasy and Football
By Columnist Tom Blake

The first paragraph of my initial newspaper column read “Unfortunately, many of you have been there, are there now, or will be soon. Where? Middle-aged and dating again.”

The second paragraph was, “I won’t bore you with why my wife and I separated. The separation occurred Christmas time, 1993.”

That initial column was titled “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company” and appeared on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News and the “Laguna Niguel News in South Orange County, California.

Seeing my column that day in the two newspapers nearly floored me. Why? Six months before, when the separation happened, I wasn’t a writer, let alone a newspaper columnist. But it’s amazing what can happen to people when adversity strikes. Opportunity often arises later and when it does, people should seize it.

And now, 30 years after that first column appeared, I feel as blessed as I felt then to have my articles appear in printed newspapers and eNewsletters.
In 1994, middle-aged dating was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for it. But as Frank Sinatra sang in My Way, “…when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” I muddled through and wrote columns about the senior dating challenges I faced.

Newspaper readers, mostly singles, shared their information with me by leaving messages on the newspaper’s telephone information lines. That information enabled me to continue writing columns with fresh material.
I started writing eNewsletters 20 years ago. The topics in the newsletters and newspapers are not the same. Yes, sometimes they are similar but often totally different.

Two weeks ago, at Oggi’s Sports Brewhouse in Mission Viejo, California, a group of old buddies gathered for our annual fantasy football draft, which began 36 years ago. Our fantasy league’s name is TMFL, an acronym for Tooter’s Morning Football League. My nickname has been Tooter ever since 1988 when I opened Tutor & Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point.

In 1990, when I started the fantasy football league, the founding 12 franchises named it TMFL. And some of them still call me “Toot.” Six of the original 12 are still in our group.

Before the Internet arrived, we all drafted together in one room, usually at Tutor & Spunky’s. Now, some choose to draft online remotely, using the CBS Fantasy Sports website.

For those of us who still draft together in person, we have fun being together, although we draft online, but in the same room.

One of our league members, Jason Gross, whom I’ve known for 20+ years, asked, “Are you still writing those middle-aged dating articles?”

I said, “Yes. I’m at about 5,000 articles in 30 years, but it’s not about middle-aged dating anymore. I now call it senior dating.”

Jason said, “How do you come up with fresh material?”

I replied, “As we age, more and more people become single, be it through divorce, or the passing of a partner. Or they are single because they haven’t met ‘their’ person yet. They seek information to help them find a mate and their numbers keep growing.

“I can keep my topics fresh because of my eNewsletters. My readers are called Champs and they always send in information I can use as topics. They ask questions and share dating experiences—some are success stories and some are simply their frustrations with senior dating.

Jason Gross said, “It’s important for seniors who have been afraid to start dating again and those who may be lonely or want to make new associations, to get off the couch and socially interact with people.”

I said, “It doesn’t have to be with only single members of the opposite sex. Married friends and family members can help people ease loneliness.”

Jason and I gave each other a high-five. It was time for our football draft to begin so I accessed the pages of football research notes I had generated over the recent weeks and placed them on the table for easy access. Making sense of the online football draft was more confusing and time-consuming than senior online dating.

That discussion with Jason at the fantasy football draft made me realize that senior dating is a topic that will never grow old. Perhaps it’s time to focus on writing about it for 10 more years. The title might become, “Senior dating in our 80s.”

Egad, when that first column was written in 1994, I had no idea how many more there would be. Had someone said “5,000,” I would have probably put the pencils and paper away and retired from journalism right then and there.

So Champs, please continue sending in your comments and questions, we need to keep the senior dating information current. And you are the reason this fantasy dating column can continue.

By the way, my first pick in the draft was Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. My fantasy is he will score at least a couple of TDs this weekend.

Dana Point Classic Car Show

Dana Point Classic Car Show – August 25, 2024

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

I often encourage seniors to get out of the house and socialize with people. On Sunday, August 25, I decided to follow my own advice. I attended the Dana Point Classic Car Show that was held on Del Prado Avenue between Golden Lantern and Blue Lantern streets. The event was free. What an amazing production.

There were approximately 300 magnificently restored classic cars and trucks. And close to 200 vendors. Thousands of people attended of all ages, including families with young children and some with their dogs on leashes. The weather was perfect, 75 and sunny.

Loudspeakers were positioned throughout the event with oldies from the 1960s to 1990s blaring. An announcer kept the crowd informed of current activities taking place.

I stopped at the booth where my friends Vince The Hat Man and his partner Julie were selling their custom-logo hats at the intersection of Del Prado and Violet Lantern. Since I’d been walking in the sun for more than an hour, they insisted I sit in the shade in one of their chairs. What a vantage point. Their booth was a popular gathering spot and meeting place for multitudes of people.

Standing in the intersection in front of the hat booth was the star of the entire car show, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t a classic car or truck, but it was a man named Ben Valencia, Jr. Ben was volunteering with the VFW handing out miniature American flags and pinwheels to children. I watched him put smiles on lots of faces.

I introduced myself saying, “I see you are wearing a Korean War Vet hat. I am a Viet Nam War Vet.”

Ben and I chatted briefly and then he surprised me when he said, “I’ve been reading your newspaper columns for years. I’m 93.”

I was amazed, a man 93 who reads my “On Life and Love after 50” eNewsletter and column. We had a laugh over that. Turns out, Ben worked for Space Transportation Systems for Rockwell International. He was a specialist and member of the Technical Staff Avionics Subsystems Engineering. In other words, he assisted with launching astronauts into space.

When the Beach Boys song “I Get Around” came on the loudspeakers, two attractive women standing at the hat booth, Michelle and Lisa, started dancing with anyone who would join in. Ben handed me his handful of flags and pinwheels to hold while he briefly danced with them. Michelle is known as Lady Hummingbird.

Later, Ben said, “My beautiful wife and I have lived in Dana Point for more than 55 years. We will be having our 69^th wedding anniversary in November. She is not as mobile as she used to be, so we don’t dance much anymore. So, my dancing today was an expression of what used to be.”

While standing alongside the hat booth, I saw a familiar face in the adjacent booth. It was city council member and former Mayor, Mike Frost. We’ve been friends for several years. While we were talking, people kept stopping to greet him.

Michelle and Lisa wanted a photo with Councilman Frost and me so Michelle handed a stranger her camera and a photo was taken.

At the end of the day, blue ribbons were handed out to winners of cars in different categories. In my opinion, every car there deserved a blue ribbon. They were gorgeous and so polished they looked brand new. The car owners were always nearby and happy to answer questions.

The Dana Point Classic Car Show is one of the fun events that make our Tri-city area a special place to live.

The Power of a Good Hug

Our Champ today suggests singles could wear a sign like this

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 23, 2024
The Power of a Good Hug
By Columnist Tom Blake

On August 9, 2024, Champ Deanne emailed: “I’m a widow (10 years this week) and it stinks. I want another relationship, maybe marriage. I think most of us—who are in this club we never asked to join–would do better with a partner. Some studies prove being alone is bad for one’s health.

“I have many thoughts from a female perspective. First, I took off my rings when I got tired of people asking whether I was eating alone or waiting for my husband. My two sons got me a little ring with three stones representing the three of us, which I wear.

“I took all the photos down except a few of my sons and me or just my sons. I have lots of things that still remind me of my husband. We can’t change our thoughts, hearts or memories but we can add to them.

“Death is so much different than divorce and some people just don’t understand that. And watching someone die truly changes us forever.

“I want to have my second chance. However, I haven’t truly dated since 1981 (a couple of coffee meet-ups) and I feel lost. I’m not that cute little 27-year-old anymore.

“I feel I need a new skill set. I’m not sure how to flirt or where to go to flirt. Usually, when I try something like a group activity there aren’t any men except husbands. Maybe we should all wear an ‘available’ sign with a description like widow or widower, divorced or never married. (See Tom’s rendition of a potential sign above)

“I’m a bit uncomfortable trying again. And I wish sometimes that I was a male because my odds would improve. “I’m 70 but I know I have more to give, more life to live and adventures ahead. For me, the biggest thing lost is touch. That includes time together watching a movie or sharing a meal, smiling at each other, listening, and knowing they’ll be there, and they care.

“That little peck on the cheek or more, his arm around my back when I may need it, me holding his hand and looking at him from afar. Yes, I miss it all, even the snoring. I miss the power of a good hug.

“Tom, I would like your input and ideas. You are always spot on. I wake up in the early hours on Friday to read your column. I know you have covered this many times, but an update would do me good. Keep up your great work, I’m glad you found someone.”

Tom’s response to Deanne

First, Deanne, I want to congratulate you for having the bravery to share your vulnerability, emptiness, and wishes for love with Champs. That takes guts, which is a positive start to enriching your life. And you are right, being alone isn’t good for your health. And you miss a man’s touch and hugs. Even his snoring (you are brave!).

Most senior singles—men and women I know–miss some or all those things. There is nothing like the power of a good hug. You state that you want a second chance at love. You haven’t dated in 43 years, and you’ve been a widow for 10 years. And yes, losing a mate to death is different from a divorce. Do your best to put those thoughts on the back burner.

You are virtually starting from scratch. The journey will be a challenge that takes time, energy, and perhaps a little money so be patient. Let’s begin with the most important piece of advice, of which most Champs have heard me state more than one hundred times.

“Get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy.”
Since your primary purpose is to meet a man, avoid activities that appeal mainly to women, like quilting or basket weaving.

For ideas on where to go, check out the MeetUp.com website. Of course, whenever you go out to a place where you might meet people, look nice. You say you don’t know how to flirt or where to go to flirt. I don’t use that term anymore. Instead, I call it ‘being assertive’ (not aggressive).

Let’s say you see a man who appeals to you in a store like Costco, Ralph’s, Kroger, Trader Joe’s, or anyplace really. And he isn’t wearing a wedding ring. (No wedding ring doesn’t guarantee he isn’t married or is available).

Smile. Be friendly. Strike up a conversation with a simple question such as, “Are these avocados ripe?” Or “What wine do you recommend that goes well with spaghetti?” If he seems receptive, say something like, “I’m single, cooking for myself. Are you single?” If he says “yes,” say, “I’d love to buy you a cup of coffee.”

That’s being assertive, not aggressive (which can be a turnoff). And yes, it’s okay to buy a man a cup of coffee. He’ll probably pay for it anyway. Your wearing a sign idea is a fun idea, but it hasn’t caught on in the senior dating community yet. Are there any Champs willing to test wearing a sign? If so, let me know. Something like, “I’m a widow and available. Just ask me.”

Who knows, we could be like the Green Bay Packers fans who wear those cheese heads hats. Our Champs gang could wear “available” yellow senior dating signs (again see a suggested sign above). Regardless, you need an id card with your first name and a way for him to reach you. Perhaps an email address that does not include your full name that you only use in dating situations.

Or, as our expert dating and relationship coach, Christine Baumgartner advises, “The free service for an anonymous phone number that rings on your personal cell phone is Google Voice.”Get a Google voice phone number. I can’t tell you how many people have told me they met someone nice but they failed to exchange a way to contact each other. Don’t let that happen.

You didn’t mention if you’ve tried online dating or not. That’s a whole new ballgame as well. Perhaps consider it. It allows you to cast your search net wide and far from your Orange County, West Coast of California home.

“Before you launch into online dating, ask more questions. Proceed very cautiously. Scammers thrive on online dating sites, searching for vulnerable seniors. And yes, you are vulnerable and would be a prime target of scammers. Get sound advice from friends, our Champs, or experts such as Christine mentioned above (Christine@theperfectcatch.com).

Lastly, your age, is 70. You’re a young pup. You still have plenty of time to meet someone, but don’t let any more time slip away. We are all pulling for you.

Visit my website for more ideas: http://www.findingloveafter50.com

Senior Sex and Widower Finds Love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

I avoid three topics in my eNewsletters—religion, politics, and senior sex. However, an email concerning senior sex arrived in response to last week’s column that needs addressing. That email and my comment on it are Part 1.

Part 2 is a beautiful love story sent in by a Champ that also mentions senior sex.

Part 1 – Quid Pro Quo Senior Sex

JJ (a woman) wrote, “Alicia’s brother (from last week’s article) sounds like a good man. He is willing to give friendship and more to enjoy the companionship of the woman without demanding that she pay him back with sex.

“Men, especially older men, who cannot tolerate not having sex are not worth having around. They disguise their desire for sex as ‘friendship’ or ‘companionship’ when it’s not that at all. In reality, it’s a quid-pro-quo relationship. Alicia’s brother offers something very real and true! Sounds like a nice guy!”

I am curious how men and women feel about JJ’s comments. At the risk of having a Champ or two unsubscribe, I will say this: I think her quid pro quo relationship comment is offensive and erroneous. It assumes that any man who enjoys sex and pays for a woman’s dinner or theatre tickets or whatever expects sex in exchange. That’s the quid pro quo.

If a man or a woman chooses to be non-sexual, that’s their business. But, if a desire for affection is in our genes, it’s about finding a mate who enjoys the same thing.

So, let’s hear how you Champs feel about it.

Also, Champ Christine Baumgartner, a relationship expert, and Champ and friend for years, emailed this comment: “I’m very interested in addressing/answering questions from your readers about senior sex.

“Feel free to include my offer in your eNewsletter with my email address so their questions and my answered comments won’t go through your newsletter.

“It’s such a challenging subject for us and I’m very comfortable answering their questions and concerns.

Christine’s email is: Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

Please tell her you are a Champ.

Part 2 – A Widower finds love

“Joe (not his true name) emailed approximately 18 months ago, “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college for 44 years.

“Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy.

“But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. I am now dating a wonderful woman. (Joe wrote the above 18 months ago)

Update August 12, 2024. Joe wrote: “My relationship with that woman I mentioned above ended amicably shortly after the holidays this past year. We were enjoying our time with each other, but each wanted different things and didn’t see our relationship being long-term.

“Since then, I have met and fallen in love with another woman who fills my life with incredible joy and happiness. We are both looking for the same thing in a partner and have quickly become inseparable.

“We are compatible in every aspect of our lives including activities, energy levels, family, humor, conversation, openness, physical touch, and intimacy. It is quite extraordinary, and we joke that we were twins who were separated at birth.

“We also both agree that it was a blessing that we didn’t meet immediately after I started dating as I wasn’t fully prepared to be in a relationship. It was important for me to get over the feelings of guilt and anxiety that I had being with another woman other than my late wife.

“So here I am, 2-1/2 years from losing my best friend, lover, and soulmate and in a relationship that is very different but equally fulfilling. I’m as happy as I was before my wife’s illness changed our lives forever and back to being my old self.”

So that’s it for today. A topic I avoid—senior sex, snuck in here. At least I avoided religion and politics.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

A special 70th Birthday

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 19, 2024

Alan Parsons (left) and Phil Green on stage at end of concert

Columnist Tom Blake and Senior Dating Expert

Sixteen years ago, on August 23, 2008, I was an Orange County California Deputy Marriage Commissioner for one day. I married Phil and Laurie Green at a ceremony in the historic mission city of San Juan Capistrano, California.

Phil was 54 and Laurie was in her mid-40s. They told me they wanted someone who knew them to marry them, that it would be more meaningful and personal. The county of Orange issued a one-day permit.

Phil had never married. Laurie was divorced in 2003 and had declared a moratorium on dating for “at least a year.” But, as often happens, life can change in an instant.

For Laurie, two things happened in late 2003. First, she met Phil at a party. Her one-year dating moratorium ended after a few months. They became a couple.

Second, her new-found bliss took a tough turn when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She and Phil tackled her cancer as a team. Laurie beat cancer and four years later was the wedding.

In keeping with their shared love of music, they became friends with Alan and Lisa Parsons. Alan was the founder of the Alan Parsons Project, a progressive, 70s and 80s British rock band.

Lisa and Alan were among the guests at the wedding and seated in the front row. At the reception, the disc jockey included Parsons’ hit Sirius/Eye in the Sky in the playlist. I thought I had read that Alan had helped produce two Beatles albums, which I asked him about.

He said he had been an assistant engineer, not an assistant producer, on the Abbey Road and Let It Be albums. “Had I been an assistant producer, I’d be a very rich man,” Parsons said with a grin. (My photo from 2008 with Alan and Lisa is below).

I included Laurie and Phil’s love story in my “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book.
Update 16 years later (July 19, 2024)

Last Sunday night, Laurie had a private 70th birthday party for Phil. My significant other, Debbie, and I were invited. It was held at Campus Jax restaurant in Newport Beach, California. Debbie and I agreed it was the most amazing birthday party either one of us had ever attended.

Laurie had done most of the preparation work. Here are some highlights.

1 Laurie and Phil are still happily married after 16 years, so I still have a perfect record, 1-0, for the people I married staying together

2 Laurie congratulated Debbie for completing her breast cancer treatments, as Laurie completed hers in 2004 (see photo of Laurie and Debbie below).

3 The Alan Parsons Project, with 8 members, including Alan, was the main event. Debbie and I were able to chat with Parsons and his wife Lisa beforehand. (see photo below).

And, of course, the band’s closing song was Sirius/Eye In The Sky. Everybody was on their feet and taking videos during the 6-minute song for which the band is noted. (a link to Debbie’s video of them performing the song is below)
A bonus was the appearance of the lead singer of Ambrosia, David Pack, who performed four of that group’s songs, such as “Biggest Part of Me.”

4 Birthday boy Phil was on stage leading a hilarious 25-question quiz about his life. And then, at the end of the concert, he was on stage with Alan Parsons celebrating his 70th. (see photo above).

5 Campus Jax is an ideal place for a concert. Every seat is within 50 feet of the stage. The acoustics were perfect and the 140 guests helped themselves to a yummy buffet dinner with some of the best pasta dishes we had ever eaten.

What a night. I almost forgot, Happy Birthday Phil, and thank you, Laurie.
Link to Sirius/Eye in the Sky (Facebook)

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.