On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 3

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate.

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating.

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5^th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.

“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important.

“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men.

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue.
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

Senior marriage-Think it Through

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterFebruary 14, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Remarry? Take time to think it through

Like many of you, I’m busy trying to downsize. My biggest challenge is to get rid of 31 years of writing files, boxed mainly in my garage (the first column was published on July 7, 1994).

Back in 1994, the newspaper listed my articles under the Middle Age and Dating category. Now they are under the On Life and Love after 50 category. And what often happens while downsizing in the garage, I come across an article written years ago and ask myself, does the message still apply in 2025?

For example, today’s column was first published in the San Clemente Sun Post on August 15, 2009, and was titled Remarry? Take time to think it through. Here is that article in its entirety.

“Many older singles tell me they would like to marry again. Widows and widowers in particular remember the wonderful times they had and want to recapture similar feelings. Some rush into marriage in a matter of months after meeting a new love.

Eventually, most divorced people get over their bitterness and some decide they like married life better than being single. If you are one of those who want to tie the knot again, and you are in a rush to do so, take a deep breath.
(A reminder, this is was written in 2009)

In response to last week’s column about Karen, who met a guy on Singlesnet.com, one woman said, “Thank God you did NOT marry this man. I met a guy…4 months engaged…married after knowing him 6 months. He turned out to be a very jealous, controlling, verbally abusive man after 6 years of marriage.

“You (Karen) are a free bird to fly away from this dysfunctional person and find a great man who will bring out the best in you and love you unconditionally.”

However, still seeking the taste of marriage, Karen has reconnected with her ex-husband, but promises she is ‘going slow.’
In another case that took place in Oakmont, a Santa Rosa, California retirement community, where single men are rare, a widow accepted a widower’s proposal to marry after five months of dating, fearing that if she didn’t accept, he’d move on to the next widow. (That’s known as settling) She moved in with him. He was a cantankerous old man and from the get-go she had that sinking feeling in her stomach that she’d made a mistake. He ordered new carpeting. After the carpet was laid and he‘d signed off on it, he decided he didn’t like the color. The carpet store said tough luck. He then cut a piece out of it and blamed the store for the hole. They told him to take an even bigger hike.

Shortly thereafter, his new wife, tired of that kind of behavior, moved back to her home, grateful that she had kept it. Of course, divorce followed.

In a third situation, a woman met a man online on a religious site. They lived on opposite coasts. She moved to be near where he lived. A few weeks later, they met in person. Within months, they married. A couple of years later she realized he wasn’t ‘as advertised.’ He had little money and didn’t have a job and had become a financial burden on her. They are going through a divorce.

Let me say this in defense of marriage later in life. Many work out so I’d be out of line to pooh-pooh all later-in-life marriages. Besides, to do that, I’d be shooting myself in the foot. In my new book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, which is being released at the end of this month and is now available to purchase online, 60 percent of the couples featured in the book went on to marry. I’m simply suggesting taking it slow before making a later-in-life marriage decision.” So that was from 2009.

And frankly, not much has changed about senior marriage 15 years later. Two months ago, I wrote about Ray and Libby, a couple who knew each other when they were young, and they got reacquainted at Laguna Woods Village, in Orange County, California and what a beautiful marriage they had. My advice remains the same. Take time to think marriage through. I was sharing today’s column with my sister Christine Blake, and she had one piece of advice to add about senior marriage: “Pray it will work.” Good idea Sis!

P.S. now in 2025, I still have a limited supply of How 50 Couples Found Love After 50. No tariffs on the book. Deeply discounted. Seven bucks plus shipping. Email me at tompblake@gmail.com and we will negotiate a deal.

Valentines 2025

Heaven’s Ladder

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 31, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Heaven’s Ladder

I’ve been receiving far too many emails and messages lately from Champs whose spouses or significant others have passed away. Many have been from men, who have lost their significant others. I thought men usually passed away first.

In October 2024, Champ Joel’s wife Wendy of 12 years passed away. There have been many other similar situations.

A few of the men who have written me are my junior high school and high school classmates. That doesn’t surprise me. Why? Because the men in my class are in their mid-80s; we graduated from Jackson High School in Jackson, Michigan, in 1957.

I don’t intend to dwell on this depressing subject, but I’d like to share a poem from Ed Hatch, a JHS classmate, that he emailed me last week. Ed’s wife of 57 years, Elke, passed away on November 24, 2024, at age 77.

Background information on them will help you understand why I am including the poem today. Ed attended Haverford College as an undergraduate—and studied English and German. After graduating in 1961, he taught American Studies in Mainz, Germany.

Elke was born in Germany. At age 16, she spent a year as an exchange student at The University of Michigan. In 1966, she began her studies in Mainz. One day she walked into Ed’s classroom, and he noticed her and felt she was attractive.

Despite the eight-year age difference and nationality difference, they met and started a romance. They married a year later on December 30, 1967, in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where UM is located. At that time, Ed was enrolled in German studies there.

Ed became a teacher of German at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Elke earned a PhD in German Literature and worked as a translator and taught German at the University of Dayton for 30 years. German was their household language. She and Ed have three children and four grandchildren.

After Elke passed away, her sister sent Ed a poem she had received in the mail. It was written in German. Ed made a “rough and hurried” translation of the poem into English and sent me a copy.

As I read it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I decided to share it with you Champs today. It is so beautiful and relatable to anyone who has had a loved one or a friend or animal pass away.

And as we Champs age, we encounter losses more and more. This poem will warm your heart. Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem “Heaven’s Ladder”

Hello, dear friend below, sometimes I see you crying, see your sadness and tears, and that’s why I want to say: My earthly clothing I’ve left behind because I don’t need it here at home, where I am very near to you, and always in your heart. I truly count each heartbeat. Believe me, when I say, only those whom we do not miss have in fact truly died. And since I am not in your life, I am a part of your soul, I am a part of who you are, and I shall never leave you alone.

Understand, I am in fact at home. I did not leave; I only went ahead. I went there where it all began, where in the future…we shall meet. So, because it is good, love life as I also loved life. And as you go, keep smiling. Simply smile for me as you go. Nothing and no one can separate usnot even what we call death.

Death cannot destroy love, and because you love me, it will remain. When the wind caresses your hair, simply know that it was I. I sit on the ladder to heaven. And love you from here above.

Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem Heaven’s Ladder has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem has helped me.
And Ed is now a Champ, a member of our eNewsletter group.

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.

False Hope

Seniors Living Together

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter November 29 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

The June 7^th eNewsletter was titled, “Senior Man Scammed.” One short paragraph in that article quoted a text I had received from a woman, age 61. We had dated two times for an hour each time. The age gap was 25 years.

She wrote, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before me, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me your home.”

That quote inspired Champ Virginia, Newport Beach CA, to write me. She emailed, “That younger woman was certainly ‘jumping the gun’ and she sounded like a gold digger. Women are just trying to survive, and that woman was no exception…her action however does bring up the question of living together at a senior age.

“No woman or man would want to be left homeless at this stage of the game. Moving is traumatic and highly stressful and even more so as our ages increase and health issues surface.”

And then Virginia wrote about different options that could be put in place to protect the surviving person if their mate, the homeowner, passes away first. An estate planner needs to be consulted before the move-in occurs and a pre-move-in agreement signed by both parties.

She continued, “The other option is to just continue dating each other and living apart (a bit of a hassle and not so comfortable or satisfying as living together).

“The senior age with inevitable health issues, as well as declining physical strength, and all that accompanies it make this scenario a conundrum.

“If people live together, and one develops dementia, cancer or another crippling disease, would they be obligated to stay together if they live together but aren’t married? That’s a sticky problem.

“It’s not like we are teenagers or mid-lifers, we don’t have the luxury timewise of just dating endlessly if we are seeking someone to be a life companion. Maybe a column about seniors living together would generate opinions that would be helpful to Champs.”

Virginia raises a good point. A column based on the inputs from Champs would be beneficial to lots of people. A possible topic: The pros and cons of senior couples living together.

Another Champ, Leslie, emailed, “Many people of our ages are with SO’s (significant others) but are not marrying. It bothers me that my SO doesn’t want to marry again. He’s a widower after 53 years of marriage.

“I’ve never married through my own fears, though I’ve have had several relationships and proposals. The ‘one’, in my 30’s, I ran from and wouldn’t marry anyone else.

“My widower SO says he will never marry again. I could marry him, we’re both 83. I talk to my doctor, and he cautions me to stay in the relationship because he’s known too many women who broke up with a man because things weren’t perfect, and then they couldn’t find another. Hence, I stay and accept that I’ll never marry. Your eNewsletters give me hope.

“I was hoping, now, to experience marriage once. Our friends are married and there’s just a difference — a comfort they have in their commitment — that I don’t have. We basically live together, and it’s been almost eight years together, both are 83. I know many people remarry/marry, so to read about many couples not remarrying helps me.”

***

So, Champs, send me your opinions and experiences dealing with the “Pros and cons of seniors living together” issue. I’ll do a follow up column if I receive enough responses.

My Gratitude

Yesterday, of course, was Thanksgiving Day. I’m grateful for many things. But one of the biggest things is you, my Champs. Your responses to columns provide me with the material to generate future columns. I’ve formed friendships with many of you, although we may not have met in person. You’ve revealed your vulnerabilities. I hurt when you hurt.

You’ve shared advice that has been helpful to me personally. The eNewsletter has been published for 25 years. Let’s keep it moving forward. I’m grateful to all of you.

November 11 is Special To Me

(Photo courtesy Michelle Rivera)

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter November 18 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

November 11 is Special to Me

Today’s eNewsletter is not about senior dating. Rather, it’s about being grateful to family and friends who love and support us. This became unexpectedly evident to me this past Monday, November 11, as the emotion of seeing people I love was so overwhelming it brought me to tears. I will explain later, but first some background info regarding November 11.

An armistice was declared on the 11^th hour, of the 11^th day of the 11^th month in 1918 between the countries that had been fighting in World War I, also known as The Great War.

In 1938, November 11^th became a federal holiday in the United States. It was called Armistice Day, honoring the end of World War I and the veterans who fought in it. Why has November 11^th always been special to me?

One year later, in 1939, I was born on Armistice Day, which also happened to be my Mom, Frances Pardee Blake’s birthday as well.

After World War II and the Korean War, the name Armistice Day was changed to Veterans Day. That name change made November 11^th even more special to me. I am a Vietnam War veteran.

When the Vietnam War broke out, my ship, the USS Noble, APA 218, was one of the first three ships to arrive in the waters off South Vietnam. We had 3,000 battle-prepared Marines on board, many under 20 years of age.

On the night before they were going ashore, the line to get into the ship’s chapel was filled with Marines on all decks. One could barely move anywhere on the ship. Many of us in the wardroom prayed for those kids. As they were transferred to the jungles, I pondered how many would return alive. I still think about that question today, which is why I keep a lid on my birthday (Veterans Day) celebrations.

As November 11 was approaching this year, I wanted to keep the day especially quiet meaning no big celebrations or no hoopla for me because I was becoming 85. And I was grateful, blessed, pleased, fortunate, and happy about reaching that milestone.

My significant other, Debbie, who has fought her own battles over the last five months—cancer surgery and reconstruction, radiation, recovery and witnessing, within inches of missing her, the trauma of a car out of control in front of the Mission Viejo Medical Center, that killed an older man entering the medical center, and then a month ago, suffering a horrendous fall on a concrete sidewalk—wanted to plan a small dinner party for me which I declined. I just wanted to quietly honor my mom and veterans on this emotional day and enjoy a nice meal with Debbie that night.

My friend Michelle (also known as Lady Hummingbird) wanted to take me to lunch that day with a friend of mine, but she wouldn’t say who. I accepted. Michelle requested I come to her house at 11:30 and we’d ride in her car to meet a friend of mine (a surprise) at a restaurant she had selected. I suspected it might be my former deli. That morning, Michelle texted. “Remember, women don’t like men to arrive early so please not before 11:30.” I thought that was an unusual request, but didn’t overthink it.

As Michelle drove down the hill toward Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, which I opened and operated for 25 years, she had her right-turn blinker on to get on Pacific Coast Highway northbound. I dismissed my suspicions that we might be going to the deli.

However, she made a near pit maneuver which led us immediately to the deli parking lot. I noticed my buddy Jim’s car parked outside so my suspicions were correct after all.

As we entered the deli, I glanced into the dining room and thought I was hallucinating. There were about 22 people standing next to a table with balloons and a Happy Birthday sign with a big number 85 in the middle on the wall behind the table. The 85 was a dead giveaway–that message was intended for me. I then understood why Michelle didn’t want me to arrive early, the guests were decorating and arrived before me.

I recognized every person there, each with a special connection from my past. I was overcome with emotions. I lost it. Tears were ‘free fallin’ from my eyes like the famous Tom Petty song. As big as raindrops like in the 1961 “Raindrops” Dee Clark song. (There are links to both songs below).

Johnny Cash music (Walk The Line) began, making me even more emotional as a fond memory of my friendship with him bubbled up.

The people were from different aspects of my life. I am so fortunate. There were four of my previous employees from the deli: Teresa, Debbie, and Sandy, each still working there, and Veronica, who is the mother of two young boys.

And two neighbor women were present, Kresta, who is married to Jake, from next door, and Colleen whose hubby is Alex, who live directly across the street. They look out for me, and I look out for them.

And three fantasy football pals. We have been together for 30 years in the TMFL (Tooter’s Morning Football League, named after its founder, me). Bruce Smith, John Hawkins (aka Hawk), and Vince Monfils.

Bruce and I also attended an Elton John/Billy Joel concert together in Las Vegas on February 18, 2001, at the MGM Grand Hotel. His wife’s daughter Jaime attended with him.

Besides being in TMFL, Vince was a tennis pro and then a buyer for the Ritz Carlton hotels in Southern California. He is now Vince The Hat Man. He custom designs the hats he and his life partner Julie sell at the Dana Point Farmers Market on most Saturdays.

Hawk and his wife Tracy have been close friends for 30 years. She has been working in the Capistrano Valley Unified School District for 28 years, 18 of those years as a high school teacher and the other 10 years in Guidance.

Jim Fallon, my current fantasy football coaching partner, and a member of the grief share group I belong to, secretly—to me at least—helped Michelle, who organized the event. I now understand why Michelle is so good as a home caregiver. Busy, efficient, and organized. Also helping Michelle was my significant other, Debbie, without me knowing about the two working together.

A member of my grief share group, Patty Beverly, San Clemente, was notified by Jim and fit the party into her busy schedule. The three of us have shared lots of sadness in the previous two years, remembering lost loved ones. This added to my emotionally charged day.

To top off the event, a fireman came into the deli for a sandwich. I didn’t recognize him but over the years Dana Point firemen were incredible customers. At numerous times they would be eating, and an emergency call would come in. They would bolt, leaving their food on the table. We would save it for them, often having to refrigerate the food until they returned. They appreciated us and us them.

The fireman asked the deli cashier what was going on, and when he found out, he walked over to me to thank me for my 25 years of feeding them and handed me a Special Operations Rescue medal. See enclosed pictures of front and back. His incredible gesture nearly knocked me off my feet.

I mentioned to Debbie that I was embarrassed for shedding so many tears. She looked at me and said, “Women love when men cry (at the right time), you were great.”

I said it reminded me of the Dee Clark song “Raindrops” with the lyrics, “…A man ain’t supposed to cry.”

She said, “Women like men who have the capacity to cry. I was proud of you.”

Who says 85 is old? This was the most positive emotional day in my life. Lesson learned as you grow older: Cherish your friends, family, and memories. Wake up on your birthday and say to yourself, this is the first day of my X^th year (the year after your birthday. For me, 85^th birthday, the start of my 86^thyear. And be happy you’ve made it this far.

Link to Tom Petty’s “Free fallin’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWJXDG2i0A

Link to Dee Clark’s song: Raindrops”

Responses to 85 birthday party On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Columnist Tom Blake

November 22, 2024

(Photo by Michelle Rivera, aka Lady Hummingbird)

Part One – Champs Reply to Tom Blake 85^th birthday party surprise

There were several responses to last week’s eNewsletter about my 85^th birthday party. Here are just a few of them:

Florence, “Where has the time gone? I signed up for your eNewsletter 20+ years ago after the death of my husband a few years earlier. May the next 365 days be special for you.”

Marcia, “Your newsletter was filled with memories that allow your Champs to get a sense of your incredible life.

“You have taken your life experiences and turned them into something positive that will further enhance your life, and the lives of all the people you come in contact with. That is a gift.”

Tom’s comment: Those are extra special words coming from a friend I’ve known 59 years, going back to both of us growing up in Jackson, Michigan.

Ted, “Who says 85 is old? It wasn’t me, Tom. Welcome to the 86^th year that we share (although I had a head start). You are a special guy to a lot of folks out there…and to at least one guy in Grosse Pointe Park, MI. I wish I’d been a fly on that wall on the 11^th.”

Tom’s comment: Ted is a classmate from Jackson, Michigan, 60 years ago

Gloria, “A beautiful story about your celebration and special friends who came to honor you. It brought tears to my eyes reading about your celebration and memories of old friends. Many happy returns to a young 85.”

Neighbor Colleen Torres (who attended with Kresta Racker), “Love this article! It was a special day, indeed!”

Joel, a recent widower, “One of your best. I feel OK and am keeping busy with friends and constructive activities. You’re a good model for a life well lived”.

Sandy, a Champ I’ve known for 50 years, who is pondering relocating from California to the Midwest, said, “All opinions from you are received with an open mind! I’m not jumping ship soon!

“I liked the cameo on 60 Minutes about Wisconsin’s Door County “The Cape Cod of the Midwest” so much because of the obvious congeniality between folks of both political persuasions. One man said ‘We have the Midwestern nice thing going!’ Lots of artists and Chicago retirees. And, although it is a beautiful vacation destination, seemingly, also very low ( by comparison to California ) rents.”

Bruce, Ohio, “Happy belated birthday and it is great you have so many friends at this point in your life.”

Ginny, PA, “I especially loved this week’s newsletter. So many emotions were expressed.

“Thank you for giving us a brief history lesson about Veterans Day and your service to our country.

“I am proud of my Harry’s 39 years in the Air Force. On Veterans Day he leads several ceremonies: one at our Senior Center and another as a retired military member of his high school Vets committee.

“Pleased to hear you and Debbie could celebrate your special day with friends. Happy 85th. I am right behind you.”

Part 2 – A Champ’s poignant and timely comment

With all the threats and chatter going on in this world about WW III, Wil’s comment stopped me in my tracks:

Wil, Hawaii (a Victoria Station Restaurant Chain co-worker of mine in Oakland, CA, and Denver in the early 70s), wrote succinctly, “My wife Pua and I are on vacation at ground zero in Nagasaki, depressing place. All world leaders should come here.”

Senior Single Women Be Assertive

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

November 8, 2024 Columnist Tom Blake

Most Champs in their 60s and 70s know that the ratio of single women to single men in their age range is roughly 4-to-1 or more. We learned in this eNewsletter recently that the ratio at Laguna Woods Village in South Orange County, California, a 55-plus community, is between 7 and 8 to one.

Women have told me, “And some of those single men aren’t dating material, thereby increasing the ratio. Bottom line, meeting a compatible guy to date is a daunting challenge.”

I hear that all the time. Because of these bleak numbers, I’ve often told single senior women, “When you see a man within an acceptable age range, who isn’t wearing a wedding ring, and who appeals to you, don’t be shy. Be assertive—not aggressive—and start a conversation with him.

Champ M, a single Dana Point, CA woman, in her early 60s, shared her story of assertiveness to meet a handsome man. She just made one key mistake.

She emailed: “This happened last week. I’m a caregiver. I applied for a new job at a caregiving company and one of the requirements was to get a TB blood test as a part of the employment application process. I went to a medical lab and as I walked in, I noticed a handsome man sitting in the waiting room looking at his phone. He didn’t appear to see me.

“I signed in and spoke to the lady at the counter, knowing that this handsome man was behind me staring at his phone. They called him into the blood drawing station and as he went by me, I noticed he was a bit older than me and not wearing a wedding ring.

“While sitting in the waiting room, I couldn’t help but think about him. I remembered the advice that Tom Blake had shared with readers in previous newspaper articles and eNewsletters regarding single women being assertive when seeing a potential man partner. Tom had encouraged women to take the initiative and say hello to men they are attracted to, who appear to be single (no wedding ring, for example).

“I shrugged my shoulders and sat down by the exit door, never thinking that the man would walk by me again. While I waited to be summoned, he emerged from the drawing station and walked toward me heading for the exit. Our eyes met this time, and I felt a mutual attraction, and I thought ‘OK, be brave M, hurry up and say something.’

“I said to him, ‘That was quick. Did it hurt?’

“With kind eyes and a bright smile, he said, ‘Not at all!’”

“I said, ‘I am scared and terrified of needles (which I am). I hate getting shots.’ And then, I felt an overwhelming boldness and childlike flirting with what I said next, ‘Would you hold my hand?’

“He said, ‘Sure I will.’

“I was floored and taken aback. I lost my nerve at that moment. Thoughts kept popping into my head that he might be married. Some men don’t wear a wedding ring. I wish when he said ‘Sure, I will’ that I had been clever and quick and savvy enough to ask, ‘Are you married?’

“Instead, I clammed up and said, ‘Oh wow that’s so nice of you.’ And then I foolishly said, ‘They’ll probably take care of me in there. I’m sorry, thank you, anyway.’

“He said, ‘OK sure,’ and walked out.

“I sat there for 20 seconds, stunned by what I had failed to do, and thought, oh my goodness, I choked. I should have given him my hand, or, at least given him my caregiver business card with my phone number on it. I didn’t. I totally blew it. I missed an incredible opportunity to be with a nice man.

“I probably will never see him again, but it made me realize that being assertive in a classy way works. There’s not a happy-ever-after ending to this story—at least not yet– but I’m getting bolder as a single senior woman!”

Champ M continued, “I opened the door to see if he was in the hallway still waiting for the elevator. He was gone so I didn’t get a chance to give him my card or at least ask him if he was married so there went that opportunity. However, I’m glad that I’m getting bolder. My advice to senior single women. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a man like I did.”

Tom’s comment to M. “Who knows? He might have been married. But, unfortunately, you choked. Move on, having learned a senior love lesson: Senior single women be assertive. Hopefully, our Champs (women and men) will think of your experience when an opportunity arises for them, ensuring they engage the potential mate in conversation. Be assertive, not aggressive.

Are you married?