Columnist Tom Blake – Page 6 – On Life and Love after 50

2 Widowers senior dating list

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
June 23, 2023
Two widowers share their thoughts
By Columnist Tom Blake

Two widowers share their wants It’s been a while still since my widower buddy Jim, 74, and I got together to update our thoughts on what we’ve learned from senior dating since we both put our toes into the senior dating pond.

Jim and I have both had some contact with widows and divorcees over the last three months. At our breakfast meeting this past Wednesday.

Jim said, “The first five minutes of contact of a first date tells you the most important items right away. Looks, attractiveness, chemistry, sex appeal, personality, humor, and financial well-being.

“But you may find the person having all the right features only to find out that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you. So I find that I have to have a thick skin in this senior dating. I need to realize that there will be many rejections on their part as well as on my part until that right combination comes along, if ever.

“But rushing into a relationship without doing your homework and some really serious dating and research and conversations and asking the important questions you’re better off by yourself for a while so you don’t make some serious mistakes. (I haven’t dated for 48 years).

“Lists are important so we don’t waste precious time. We are at the last chapter in our lives and these decisions can be even more important than ever.”

Here’s what Jim and I generally agreed upon at this week’s breakfast.

Two widowers build a list

Know yourself first. Make your own written list based on the personality traits a new partner must have. Keep your list simple and short, limited to five or six must-have items. We don’t like long lists because the longer your list, the more potential mates you eliminate from consideration. And, at age 70+, it’s already hard enough to find someone compatible.

Here’s our simplified list of six must-have items.

Tom and Jim’s List of Six Must-Have Characteristics in a Mate

1 A person of impeccable character. Meaning, someone who listens to what you say and is willing to compromise and be flexible. A person who is friendly, respectful, honest, pleasant, kind, has a nice smile and doesn’t criticize or put others down. Observe how the person speaks about his mother and father, children, and even an ex-spouse. How does he or she treat a waitress? Then visualize how the person will treat you.

2 There must be a mutual connection. You must like each other. Friends first. You must want to be together and plan a second or even a third date. A sense of humor is important. Also, each having a love of animals is a tie that binds. Jim owns a dog and three horses. (That is Jim pictured above).

3 Personal hygiene. Does he or she take good care of themselves? Is the person healthy and fit? Do they dress nicely (Goochi not required), wearing clean clothes. If you are a health nut, and he is a couch potato, it isn’t going to work. We’ve observed that senior women strive to take care of their health and fitness more than men. Not always, but usually.

4 Affectionate/romantic—If you relish being hugged, kissed, and having your hand held, your potential mate needs to want the same things and be romantic towards you. If there’s not that two-way chemistry/physical connection, there likely won’t be a relationship. It’s either there right off the bat, or not. Of course, you can always be “just friends,” and hopefully grow into the attraction, but neither Jim nor I are looking for that.

5 Availability. The person must be available to spend time with you. I’m not saying 24/7. You may be retired, with lots of free time. However, if the person you meet is still working or whose calendar is always full, often at night, you might end up being alone more than you want. And what about weekends? Does he or she spend time babysitting the grandkids or going away with friends? If there’s little time to be in a relationship, a relationship probably won’t work. What often happens is single seniors purposely keep busy. Social interaction is important and healthy.

Jim and I have observed that particularly with women. However, to be available for a relationship, a person might need to tweak his or her social calendar. You wouldn’t want to miss a great relationship by being unavailable. This is one of the biggest issues in a senior relationship. It’s important to say that being together too much isn’t healthy either. No one wants to be smothered. And for us, no more marriage. Find a nice middle road with your partner and work it out.

6 Within a reasonable age difference. What’s an okay age difference? It could be five or ten years or even more. What’s important is you like and love each other, regardless of the age difference. Some people seem old at 50, others seem young at 80. It’s best to discuss the age difference with your potential partner right away, so it doesn’t cause a problem later.

Remember, a younger person can get sick also. Many older people assume that they will be the first to pass away. And then his or her younger mate passes first. It happened to these two gentlemen. These are our top six must-have characteristics.

Other items such as kids, religious and political differences, travel, and finances also need to be discussed. That’s where compromise comes in. Good luck meeting a new mate and working out the kinks.

Don’t you forget about me

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

May 19, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Don’t You Forget About Me

Once again, this week, you Champs have helped write another eNewsletter. Your comments from last weeks Keep ’em Flying eNewsletter were great. The Keep ’em Flying artwork by artist Kevin Sullivan is shown above.

Before I begin, a few of you have asked whom I use for my website designing and updating.

I’ve used Alex Joyce for more than 20 years. In fact, he’s currently working on my Tom’s Finding Love after 50 website

I am including his contact information at the end of today’s eNewsletter. He is a conscientious gentleman. I highly recommend him.

Almost all my weekly eNewsletters for the last five years can be found on that website. Just go to the home page and check the banner along the top that says, Tom’s newsletters. By clicking on that, you will see a dropdown window showing the years eNewsletters were published. So, if you were included in an eNewsletter, or want to read a previous article, you should be able to find that issue.
So, here’s what our Champs said this week:

Carol, “You don’t have to have a ‘mate’ to be happy. I have been a widow since 1997 when my husband passed away. I just plan things to do at home and outside the home with others, and I have a dog that I dearly love and ‘talk to’ all the time as if she were a person. A new mate could cause you more feelings of missing Greta because she would do things differently, etc. Think positive.”

Tom’s response: “What’s right for me, or right for you, may not be what’s right for others. You have a mate, only yours has four legs instead of two legs. I see four-legged mates with women often on dating sites, and they are often shown being hugged by their owners. We all need companionship and hugs; in whatever form each takes.”

Carol replied: “Yes, that is very true. I had not thought about it that way. I love your columns each week, thanks for sharing.”

Rhonda, “Last week you wrote a wonderful eNewsletter. You can get those thoughts off your chest to us Champs anytime you wish. It warmed my heart to see how healthy your attitude is and how deep your feelings have become even with or maybe because of your recent loss.

“You are honest about what’s going on in your life and soul. Thanks for sharing it with us these many years. It’s wise of you to allow Greta to remain in an important place in your heart. Not everyone does that. What a gift she was to you, and what a gift you are to us Champs.”

Cheryl, “My heart was touched by your ‘Keep ‘em Flying’ eNewsletter last week in your reflections about the celebration of life for Greta as well as your thoughts regarding moving forward.

“I have not lost a husband or life partner to death, but I lost both of my dearly beloved parents and was so tremendously uplifted by the support of loving family and friends at their services.

“Being a self-confessed ‘word-nerd,’ I liked the phrases you adopted for help in moving forward. I’d like to share a couple I have adopted for myself which have inspired and encouraged me over the years. One comes from a song I heard years ago. I can’t remember the title or the artist who sang it, but one line from the chorus stuck with me–“Some people fall, some people fly. Show me the sky!”

“The other phrase came from a Kevin Costner movie. I think the title was simply, “Dragonfly.” The plot was about a missionary (I think) young couple with a baby who were working somewhere in Africa. The wife and child were kidnapped, and Kevin Costner spent months/years searching for them.

“The baby had a birthmark shaped like a dragonfly, so he was able to identify the child when he eventually found his wife and child. A friend asked him how he kept going during the long time he spent searching. His answer was, ‘Belief gets you there.’

“Believe me, I have repeated that mantra to myself many, many times over the last few years! It has helped me get through a second divorce, losing my dream mini ranch in the country, the loss of both my parents and other challenges.  “When I decided to try online dating, that phrase also kept me going and prevented me from giving up on finding a loving partner. Eventually, I was blessed with Matt coming into my life.

“Some time ago Matt found a lovely dragonfly bookmark which I decided to hang from the rearview mirror in the car. I love seeing it when I’m in the car, and it’s a beautiful reminder of how important it is to ‘keep the faith’ and believe that good things will come your way.

“I love what you said about bringing love and happiness to someone in a relationship as well as receiving those gifts yourself. You are a ‘flyer,’ and you inspire others to ‘fly’ as well.

“Matt’s first wife, knowing she was dying, told Matt she wanted him to find a loving relationship. She knew Matt needed love and companionship in his life and knew Matt was able to give the same to a loving partner. So, look skyward and keep telling yourself, ‘Belief gets you there!’

Tom’s response: “I am going to add another ‘C’ to your ‘CC’ name, you are now ‘Cherished Cheryl C.”

Patricia, “My partner Len and I are in Vienna Austria, and will start a Collette tour tonight as we meet up with our director and fellow travelers. We arrived here yesterday morning and after a good night’s sleep got on the subway this morning and went to the Spanish Riding School to watch a training session…just great.

“Even though this trip was planned many months ago it has come at a very significant time for us. My daughter Melissa, age 53 passed away on April 10th due to multiple organ failure. It was a shock and it’s been a learning experience for sure. I dealt with the death of my husband almost 22 years ago, but this is totally different.

“I have accepted Melissa’s death; I don’t have any other choice.  “At this stage of my life, I had to decide whether to let this overwhelm me or to keep moving. I chose to keep moving. Not a day goes by that she’s not in my thoughts, but I know I have to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a way of honoring my daughter and I know she would want me to do it the way I’ve chosen.

“I am glad you are keeping busy and finding your way. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us.”

Tom’s response: “Patricia and Len are included in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50,” published in 2009. They are Chapter 12, titled, Love on the Back of a Harley.

Alive and Kicking

Carolyn, “Your eNewsletters always pull at the heartstrings and inspire Champs. It’s as though you are reading our minds and know what our souls are aching for. “In this ‘new’ life, we must take it one day at a time. We are still alive and kicking and must enjoy every single minute. You are our emotional support mentor; your eNewsletters are sustenance for our broken hearts!

“Relatives and friends don’t always understand our true feelings, but you do. Thank you for what you have done to inspire all Champs.”

Tom’s response: Of course, Carolyn’s alive and kicking comment triggered my ‘reminds me of a song’ thought I often get while writing these columns. This week it’s the singing group Simple Minds, from a 1985 album of the same name.

The link to that song is below and a second link to another Simple Minds song is also below. Why two Simple Minds songs? Because my favorite song of theirs was from the original soundtrack of the movie “The Breakfast Club.” It’s called Don’t You Forget About Me.” So that link is listed below as well, just above my picture.
Link to Alive and Kicking

Please have a look at the link below to Don’t You Forget About Me.

Here is Alex Joyce’s contact information Alex Joyce (Owner/Technician)(949) 485-1767 (Call to schedule with Alex)(949) 204-9923 (Alex’s Cell)

UserFriendlyComputerService.com MyWebsiteDesigned.com

Thanks for caring, Champs. I won’t forget about you; please don’t you forget about me.

Link to Simple Minds Don’t You Forget About Me

Senior Singles Avoid Wasting Time

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 17, 2023
More about Senior Singles List Making
By Columnist Tom Blake

Keep the list short

More about making a senior-love list

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled “Make A List.” In that newsletter, I suggested that senior singles make a list of the characteristics they want in a mate and in their relationship. The purpose of a list is to help a person avoid wasting time, money, and emotions on a relationship or a person who is not right for her or him. At our age, we don’t have time to waste.

The above paragraph reminds me of the song, “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” by the incredible Tejano/rockabilly singer Freddy Fender, which he wrote in 1959. See the link at the end of today’s column.

A list is merely a dating tool. There is no right or wrong list. And there is no perfect mate. We all have our faults so don’t judge someone too harshly or too quickly. Be flexible.

Many Champs responded to that eNewsletter. Champ Virginia asked, “Is there a list that a man would make?

I responded: “I’ll be happy to do that at the end of today’s article. But I stress that each person’s list will vary according to their values, desires, and experiences. Keep the list short.

The list last week was close to my list, give or take a few items.
Here are comments based on last week’s eNewsletter.

LJ (woman) “I quit dating a very nice man because every room in his house had at least one or two large photos of his deceased wife. One large 2′ x 3′ portrait on the living room wall was a bit overwhelming. Many smaller ones all over. I understand that he loved his wife. That’s very touching. And shows he is a good guy.

“But I felt like she was constantly looking at us! Perhaps this is my problem. Probably is. But it was unsettling to me. “I never said anything to him about the photos but I quit going out with him. I felt like I would never measure up. And that I would always be compared to her. I suppose this is my perception.

“Also, he paid for his son and spouse to live in a condo next door to him. I could see he wanted his intact family close by, at his expense. It was not something I wanted to be a part of. The last thing I needed was somebody glued to the old family.”

Bruce, newly divorced, mentioned a few of his list items. “I will not date someone of the opposite political party.

“Also, regarding availability to date. Some women are so busy with activities that they don’t have adequate time to date, which is very different from men. “Another is geographic distance. I am trying to limit the distance to a 50-mile radius but it seems like the more desirable potential mates are in major cities, 100-200 miles away.

“The last no-no for me is smoking in any way, either casual or regularly.”

Champ Patty said, “My husband died in July, but had dementia for years. I met a nice new man on Zoosx, in December. We spoke for two weeks, via phone and text, every day. We met for coffee, spoke countless hours on the phone, and then spent the day together. It’s been growing since. He’s a retired firefighter and was patient with me and a complete gentleman. He kind of checkmarked everything I asked for.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I will send your column to a friend. We have only seen each other two times in a year. He works in the Seychelles, is divorced, and is a bit younger than me. He has three kids and he’s from a large family, one of nine children. On a visit, he made advances toward me. I told him no. So, the next time he was in my country he didn’t contact me.

“He is a preacher of the Bible. I told him he doesn’t practice what he preaches. Did I do the right thing?”

I responded to Rosemarie, “Based on what you explained, I think you did the right thing.”

Ray said, “I never have made a list but it kind of makes sense. Also, in concert with the article, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

Wayne emailed, “Liked your list. Many women want to be on ‘scholarship.’”
Knowing Wayne, I think what he means is that some women he meets want to be on a free ride and not share expenses. They expect him to always pay.

Janet wrote, “Good advice. I had no idea where to start. The list is the perfect place.”

Mack emailed, “Re: Joan, from last week; her thoughts, perhaps to the extreme, are not atypical. I think it is normal for a man or woman to compare a new person with a past mate(s).

“I, for one, will never get over losing my first wife back in the 90s. There is never the same innocence of a young relationship down the road in later life.”

More than two years ago, Champ Cheryl wrote this about making a list: “Having children or grandchildren live with them is a deal-breaker for me because I was in that situation in my marriage. The blood relatives of a man seem to come before the new partner.”

“Plus, the political thing has become major. I have met some very nice men with whom I clicked, and then they find out which candidate I support and they break it off immediately.”

Also, two years ago, Champ S (a woman) wrote, “The first attraction is physical. Then we go from there…” I agree with “S.”

Here’s a possible list from a man: (Remember, what this dude wants, he must be willing and able to provide her with the same qualities. Love is a two-way street).

Tom’s suggested characteristics-wanted list

1. There must be a strong physical attraction between us

2. There will be differences from having lived different lives, especially as we’ve aged. We must be willing to compromise. This is where different political beliefs can be lessened to make each other’s views tolerable enough to keep the relationship intact

3. She must be willing to communicate openly and honestly

4. She must make me her top priority (and I must do the same)

5. She must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses (not specific dollar-to-dollar amounts or switching who pays every other time they go out together, but in general)

6. She must be available to see me 3-5 times per week and live within a few miles from me

7. No smoking or drugs

8. Our religious beliefs can be different, but no zealots for me. I believe in a higher power, but I do not attend church. She can attend church, which I respect, but I won’t be attending with her. A plus, she must enjoy sports.

9. She must be kind, considerate, positive, and upbeat, and she must love animals

10. She must take care of her health and we must enjoy being together and feel totally comfortable.

Link to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender https:///www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9lkeoxJRxA

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Around the Island

Senior dating concern: Availability

Tom with Johnny Cash circa 1990

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 20, 2023
Senior Dating Availability
Are any seniors available to date? By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1
Senior dating availability. Full time? Part-time? or No time?

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available,” produced interesting responses, a few of which I am sharing with you today.

Sarah emailed, “Another issue regarding availability would be a health issue. I’m thinking in terms of something like auto-immune, MS, or the like, where there are good days and bad…or for that matter, good hours followed quickly by bad hours.

“Often in a situation like this, a person might have to cancel plans at the last minute or wait until the last minute to make or confirm plans. This is something that would be necessary to speak of early on as it would take a lot of patience and understanding, but as you say, Tom, it might be very worthwhile.”

Jonie, “Most of the senior women I know are available for a part-time relationship but don’t want to take on a man full-time. The women have hobbies and friends and want quality alone time. They don’t want to give those things up, so a part-time relationship is perfect for them. Most are widows or divorcees who have learned that living single has a lot of perks.

“Hence, they want to balance that and not give it up. Plus, most of the women I know will not mingle finances. So, the question ‘Are you available to date?’ is brilliant. It allows the responder to be very honest about their status. They can say ‘Yes, on a part-time basis’ or ‘No, not right now,’ It’s a great question on a first date.

Tom’s comment: Men don’t want to mingle finances either.

Francine, Florida (Francine and I have never met in person but through email exchanges, we found we have a couple of things in common. We were both born on November 11 (different years) and she met her husband-to-be on June 23, 1998, while I met Greta on June 24, 1998, just one day apart). My Mom Fran was also born on November 11.

Francine emailed, “I love reading your senior love eNewsletters. I’ve been widowed for almost 11 years the first time, and then again when a boyfriend passed away five years ago. I date a lot now.

“Len, a friend of 12 years, has been trying to see if we can take our friendship to the next higher level. He lives in Henderson, Nevada, where I first met him. We are both from NYC. We are the same: politically, religion, values, intelligence, movies, books, and music. However, I’m very outgoing, while he is quiet.”

“He is coming out in February to see if we click together. He said after all these years that I’m still ‘under his skin.’ If it works this time, I have no problem traveling back and forth from Florida to Nevada as I loved living in Henderson (for 14 years). I still know my way around and have friends there.

“Len and I have always been on the same page in different books. I was married; he was single. I was widowed; he had a girlfriend…and so on for 12 years. He seems to get involved with the wrong women and now he wants to try the right one. I’m hopeful we have a chance this time. I’m tired of dating so many men with whom I might have chemistry but nothing else. Or things in common but no chemistry.

“I’m 76 and still very young physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package. I don’t mind part-time. Len is 72. It’s time for us! I will commute for a while if I must as I can do my work anywhere…he works part-time in Las Vegas. “I’m still writing my book …hopefully by year’s end, I can get it published. “Len canceled on me four years ago when he was involved with a ‘married woman.’ They are just friends now.”

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Francine and Len are mentally available for each other. I’m glad they are giving it a try. Of course, the long-distance availability aspect will be a bit challenging, but Francine feels she can tackle that.

Gloria, “I’m divorced 30+ yrs. I have no grief issues romantically (however, I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer) I’m healthy and fun. People wonder why I haven’t found a guy friend all these years. I would love a causal relationship for fun. Never clicked with anyone. Some men I have dated were nasty.

“I can relate to last week’s eNewsletter advice. I am not up for an all-consuming ‘relationship. I enjoy my single life – I’m a writer and a singer and a political activist. The reason I relate is that last year I met a seemingly nice guy online. He treated me to lunch. In our discussion, I felt he’d need more time than I was willing or able to give him. I told him that even though I’m not working, I have a busy life, but it would be nice to get together on weekends.

“He started to cry. He had told his mother about me. I felt awful, as I realized lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily. Not my thing. I hope he found a nice woman offering what he needed.”

Tom’s comment to Gloria: “Oh my gosh. He started to cry and told his mother about you? I haven’t pulled that maneuver yet. It reminds me of the 1950s song ‘Cry’ by Johnnie Ray, who was popular for a few years in the 1950s. I do take issue with your comment,

“I realize lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily.” That’s a generalization. It could apply to some women also. And it doesn’t have to be daily. I think I’m a 2.5 to three times-a-week guy for getting together but am still trying to figure that out. This senior single stuff is new to me. A buddy of mine asked me if the 2.5 to three times of meetings per week include time for intimacy. I choked on my wine.

Egad, I hadn’t thought about that and said, “Let me get back to you on that.” Wow, so much to think about under this availability umbrella. On second thought, I think I know my answer. I’m learning how single women think about availability and other issues during these early stages of venturing out there. Hopefully, the info will keep me from saying or doing Something Stupid. (a 1967 #1 song made popular by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
Link to Something Stupid

Senior dating concern: Availability

“Are you available to date?” He asked. She answered “No”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 13, 2023
Don’t make yourself available if you aren’t available

By Columnist Tom Blake

Champ Bruce emailed his response to last week’s Senior Part-Time Girlfriend eNewsletter. In that column, a man told his girlfriend Joyce, 74,(she’s six years older) that he wanted to see her only two times a week and occasionally three times. They had been seeing each other almost daily for four months.

Joyce was taken aback but accepted his wishes, saying, “I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown.”

Bruce wrote, “As a 60-ish single senior, I can relate to the gentlemen who informed Joyce of wanting to see her just 2-3 times per week. “Many of us still work, have grandkids with whom we are occasionally involved during the week, friends we spend time with, and duties around our homes.

“I just got out of a short-term relationship which had me ‘running a rat race’ where we both had individual homes and the other party wanted to be together almost every night of the week.

“This would work with a married couple or a couple who choose to immediately live together but can be a challenge when you choose to each have your own homes and live apart.

“Juggling time between family, friends, the girlfriend, and work can be a challenge. It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with our significant other, but restricting the relationship time you have with your family and friends because your dating partner may have significantly more free time is not balanced.

“If you are retired, and have no significant family or friends that you are involved with, then you may have a lot of free time to devote to a woman who may need that level of involvement in her relationship.

“That’s part of the matching process, finding a person you are interested in spending time with and becoming involved with, and still meshing your time with family and friends.”

Tom’s opinion on being available for senior love

As a newly single senior, Bruce’s comment got my attention. Right off the top, I think he’s right. It’s not just men who have limited time to spend with a mate. It applies to women as well. I’ve corresponded with many single newspaper and eNewsletter readers lately. Many are widows. Here’s my observation about the time availability of five of those widows, based on what they’ve said or just my impression.

One widow (of a year and a half) manages her deceased husband’s business and in her own home is caregiving for her elderly mother. She barely has time to come up for air or a walk around the block. She’s a lovely person who’s not available for a relationship. Not at this time, at least.

Another widow (of 10 years) is a go-getter business-wise. The demands of her job leave her with little spare time for anything. She said, “I’m not willing to give up my free time for a relationship at this point in my life. The little bit of free time I have I like spending by myself or with my family.” She’s also a lovely person, and not available for a relationship.

A third widow (two years) has a sports instructor’s job that requires hours of daily teaching and physical exercise, sometimes starting at 6 a.m., six to seven days a week. One day, after a long hard day of working, she emailed, “I’m worthless right now. Physically and mentally; I give my all to the kids! I’m also stubborn.” This happens to her often. Exhausted, too pooped to pop. She’s not available either, but at times I feel she wishes she were.

A fourth widow (six months), has a demanding job with a successful company where she’s an important executive, the glue that keeps her office together. She works out daily, doing Pilates, and strives to keep herself fit. She has a dog she treasures that requires walks twice daily. She rides and cares for a horse each week. I imagine the appointment calendar on her wall is filled with activities and obligations. She spends time with her family. She has amazing energy and is attractive. Time for a relationship? On a limited basis, perhaps.

A fifth widow (2 years), is always busy. She has three dogs, which require attention. She’s possibly available, but still grieving the loss of her spouse. Spending time doesn’t appear to me to be a high priority for this nice person. These widows are all attractive. Men would love being able to spend time with them. Some of the widows were married for 40 years or more. Some are in grief gridlock, which is my own term, not meant to be derogatory. I get grief gridlock; I’m in it often as well.

These widows still grieve; it might never get easier for them as time progresses. They are intelligent and take good care of themselves. They are financially responsible, and each owns her own home. They simply aren’t available for a relationship, at least that’s my observation. Or perhaps the right guy hasn’t come along.

Grief can also make getting involved in a relationship a challenge. I’ve learned in the two months since I lost Greta that grief can do strange things to one’s mind. One minute you’re cruising along feeling you are beginning to do a little better and then bam, out of the blue, a STUG (Sudden, Temporary, Uptake, of Grief) hits. It can make you cranky, cry, wacked out, sad, depressed—you name it.

You might be alone or with someone and you say something to the person that he or she might misinterpret or not comprehend, or even appreciate. Hopefully, people won’t judge you too harshly. You’re doing the best you can. A second chance might be all that is needed to enjoy that person.

If people decide to initially meet for coffee or a walk, or whatever, and there appears to be a connection between them, I think having the availability discussion early on is important so both people understand each other’s availability, and manage their relationship expectations based on it. Know yourself well and what you want.

And then there are seniors who are available but often have compatibility issues. The idiosyncrasies and baggage we all have can get in the way of senior romance as well. A friend of mine and I had a laugh that we weren’t compatible because I love mashed potatoes and she doesn’t like mashed potatoes. We’re mashed-potato-incompatible!

In preparing today’s eNewsletter, thinking about loneliness and seniors being alone who aren’t available for a relationship, the words from one of the greatest songs ever recorded and my favorite Bob Dylan song, Like A Rollin’ Stone, came to mind.

“How does it feel? How does it feel? To be on your own with no direction home, A complete unknown like a rolling stone?”

(See the link below)

Don’t forget to be kind and hug each other. But don’t make yourself available if you’re not available. Only you can judge what you want or need at this stage in your life. And when you meet someone who feels right to you, with whom you are compatible, give each other a chance. Take your time. Be patient with each other. Understand the person’s needs and priorities.

You may need to rearrange your availability priorities a bit. It just might be worth the effort. Even if you see each other only two or three times a week. If that person has a lot to offer, and you run and hide from them, they may be gobbled up by someone else, and then, a few months later, you’re sorry you didn’t keep them in your life. And remember, today’s topic applies to both men and women.

Link to Like A Rolling Stone – a six-minute+ masterpiece

Widower Dating – Responses to Widower Seeks Clarity

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

December 16, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Widower gets advice from Champs

In last week’s eNewsletter, Ben, a widower of two years, described his relationship with Abby, one of his deceased wife’s best friends, who lives nearly 3,000 miles from him. After a five-day vacation together, on the West Coast, Abby was going to move cross country to live with Ben but changed her mind after pondering it for a few weeks.

Ben has intense feelings for her and wonders why he feels so strongly. Abby says she might move in with him after August 2023.

I asked for your opinions, and wow oh wow, you came through like Champs—23 responses are included below. Champ Larry’s comment inspired the link to a 1953 oldies song at the end of today’s column.

Mary Lou, “All I get from this saga is relief that it’s them and not me. Also, is ‘radical honesty’ different from the truth?

“I think Ben needs to move on. I see only trouble ahead. It must be hard to be widowed after 29 years of marriage. Perhaps not enough time has passed since his wife’s death. Before either person moves, get one-on-one counseling.”

Belinda, “What disturbed me in this scenario is when Ben said he’s no longer sending any sort of ‘emotion’ in his texts to Abby, rather, he’s sending information about his day. That’s no way to keep a long-distance relationship going, especially with a woman he says he cares for so deeply.

“As for the moving thing, Ben and Abby are entitled to their happiness and that means that adult children can either deal with it or launch their own lives elsewhere. At this age, we are way past living for our children’s needs. He’s 62. Time for his own life and pleasure.

“His mother has her own self-contained place. His children are grown. The 17-year-old is grown and may be leaving for college in a few months.

“The older children should already be established in their lives and no longer living off dad. “If Abby feels she is in love with Ben, they will communicate their individual desires and hopes for the future and come up with a plan that will work for them.

“Love at this age is tough to find and we need to cherish it when we are lucky enough to have it.

“Children grow up and leave. Ben could live another 20-plus years. Being alone because of more sacrifice for what makes children comfortable at this age is folly. I would actively move them out and move Abby in, make a commitment, and live in happiness.”

Nigelle, “Ben is doing the sensible thing by ‘throttling back’ the emotional texting. I don’t feel he loves Abby; I sense he ‘needs’ her, and that can be a powerful factor that clouds the matter.”

S (a woman), “Ben’s only been widowed two years. He’s not yet through the grieving process. Abby was handy and convenient albeit too soon. Ben did not have the opportunity to explore other options. Abby had a change of heart. In order to preserve the friendship, and that’s what it is, back away slowly.”

Carolyn, “This is what can happen with kids in the senior dating mix. Too many red flags. Her daughter threw a monkey wrench into the plans for Abby to move into Ben’s home. Daughters don’t want their moms to move away from them.

“Also, Ben has his mom and one of his sons living with him. Time for Ben to move on.”

Patty, “I lost my husband of 47 years in July. I think Abby thought about giving up her space to live with him, his kids, and his mother—the trade-off didn’t equal up. Every woman misses the intimacy, tenderness, and true friendship of a partner, but the process of breaking in someone new is daunting. Abby isn’t his true match.”

Kim, “It seems like it was too much too soon. We all know how ‘heady’ love is at first and maybe we perceive things differently at that time. Ben and Abby have a lot on their plates but found a convenient love opportunity.

“They should step back for a minute and take that ‘soulmate’ stuff out of the equation. Familiarity is an easy way to slip into a bad relationship. Like best friends that take the plunge and then regret sets in because they miss the ease of friendship.”

Colleen, “Maybe Abby feels bad about her private communicating with Ben prior to Ruth’s passing and now doesn’t feel right moving into her best friend’s home.”

Alicia, “I think Ben and Abby already knew in their minds that they wanted something romantic and intimate to transpire during their vacation together. Otherwise, why even mention celibacy? Abby probably concluded that they needed to proceed at a slower pace. She likely wants them both to be more certain about the authenticity of their mutual love. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

“The intensity of his love for Abby? I believe our hearts can hold love for someone else on different levels and that is okay. It does not diminish his love for his wife, nor does it diminish his love for Abby. If they both can accept this, they can make it happen.

“The children will be a part of their lives forever, so it’s appropriate to consider how they feel, and give them time to digest it, and after some time, Ben and Abby will decide if living together is a good idea or not.”

Four men speak up

Carmelo, “Jump in; take a chance. What’s to lose?”

Wayne, “Way too many red flags with this Ben and Abby senior dating situation.”

Larry, “Vaya Con Dios, my darling.” (link to the song below)

Dave, “My story is included in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. It’s Chapter 32 (Dave and Franny) and called A Lifetime in Seven Years. For Ben, I quote words of advice from that chapter:

‘Eventually, it dawned on me. What I had to do was accept who and what I was. I needed to like myself, actually love myself before I could love another unconditionally. I needed to prepare myself for the dawn of my new life.

“When I would meet that one special lady who was destined to be my unconditional partner.’

Dave continued, “No one has the questions Ben should be asking. Only Ben knows what is within himself. His questions will come from and be generated by his honesty with and about himself; understanding who and what is really his, and where he is now, today, not yesterday.”

Tom’s comment: Dave’s Chapter 32 is one of the most sincere, heart-wrenching chapters in the entire “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50” book. He inked those quoted words 13 years ago.

Althea, “Abby got caught up in the heat of the five days together, thinking Ben was her soul mate. When she got back home, she had time alone to think; she got cold feet and saw what she would have to give up by moving 3,000 miles away to live with Ben.

“Later, in a text, she said ‘maybe’ she’d move to his place in nine months. That’s pretty iffy. They should spend a LOT more time thinking it through and spend more time together on both coasts to see what develops after the rush of emotions settles down.”

Margaret, “Too many red flags. Often bad choices are made when a person is senior grieving. Ben should spend more time thinking of the long-term consequences of moving Abby cross country. If things don’t work out for them, it could be disastrous for both of them.”

Thyrza, “Both should cool off and let clearer heads prevail. Both have red flags.”

Kaitte, “Lots of excuses and red flags. Ben’s household is too crowded with his family. They both should let it go. They can revisit at a later date if and when situations change.”

Robbie, “Ben doesn’t want to be single. Amy has come along at the right time, even though they’ve known each other for years. I wish them the best.”

Bonnie, “I don’t think she was trying to jilt Ben. She suddenly had life events that needed her attention. We all can get caught up in new love and then life happens. Abby is the one relocating. That is a big deal. Especially when they will share a home with Ben’s elderly mom and son. Perhaps best to plan visits every five or six weeks back and forth.

“I think Abby is sincere. It just may take some adjustments along the way. The only factor that may alter Abby’s decision may be her daughter. That’s a big one.”

Jeanne, “Way too complicated of a relationship. Adios.”

Francine, “Ben has not explored any relationship other than Abby. I think he should date again and if in six months he still has feelings for Abby then he should pursue her. Abby also has to figure things out.”

Kathy, “They should both stay where they are. Abby living with his mom and son will never work as everyone needs their own space. They should keep up the texts and calls and rendezvous every three months in different places—e.g., a hotel in Vegas, a condo in Cancun, and a cabin in Colorado.”

Deanne, “I am a widow; I understand what Ben is going through. He is looking for the quick and easy with little work or he’s avoiding the uneasiness of starting a new relationship with someone else. Ben could put himself in a worse spot if he doesn’t take his foot off the gas pedal.

Vaya Con Dios song (1953) by Les Paul and Mary Ford

Link to Vaya Con Dios with Les Paul and Mary Ford

Widower seeks clarity

Tom first published this eBook in 2010 on the Smashwords.com website. Has the dating scene changed for widowed people since then? Yes and no. Today’s story shows that it still can be a Mine Field and not a Gold Mine.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter December 9, 2022
A Widower Seeks Clarity By Columnist Tom Blake

Tom’s note: All names have been changed and grammar adjusted

A widower seeks clarity

An email arrived last week: “My name is Ben and I’m reaching out to you after recently visiting your website.”

Ben wrote, “I’m 62 and became widowed unexpectantly in October 2020, when my wife, Ruth, died from a heart attack.

“We were married 29 years and have three children. Our children are 17 (living with me), 21 (away at university), and, 25 (living with me since Ruth died). I also have my 89-year-old mother living at my home in a self-contained apartment. My son is going to be moving out by spring 2023.

“Ruth’s closest friend was Abby. They have been friends since college, for 37 years. Abby and I became friends because of her friendship with Ruth. I know both of Abby‘s ex-husbands and her two children from her first marriage. Abby has not been in a relationship for five years.

“Before either of us had married, Abby and I had a little one-time fling while drinking too much at a party. She lives on the West Coast; I live in the eastern part of the country.

Flash forward to June 2022

Ben continued, “I felt a need to get away this summer and just have some me time after dealing with and managing grief for myself and for my children and managing my business. Abby and I have been in communication through the years and more so after Ruth’s passing.

“I texted Abby, mentioning that I was taking a five-day vacation to the West Coast, and asked her to join me. I mentioned that I thought it would be fun. She replied immediately and agreed. She reminded me that she had been celibate for five years. I mentioned that I was glad she told me and that I just wanted her company. I confirmed I would be a total gentleman.

“I went in mid-July. During the trip, we were getting closer and closer and finding out things about each other. Plus, we were having an emotional time together reminiscing about Ruth.

“At the end of the five days, Abby wound up flying back home with me to visit longer and to visit her sister who lives two hours away from me. Abby told me numerous times that we were soulmates, and that I was the teammate she had been looking for. We talked in radical honesty.

“During that period, we shared deep and pleasant conversations regarding our feelings for each other. We were planning to move her into my home in the east and were working on the renovation plan for the new bedroom, planning on buying a new bed, dishes, etc. Then, she unexpectedly lost the lease on her apartment out west.

“In early November, she made a decision that everything was going way too fast, and she wanted to slow it down. Her life was in turmoil because she had no home and her daughter who lives near her was needing her and the timing was just not good for us. She is incredibly busy growing her internet-based consulting business. Abby needed to get her own apartment. All of her belongings, car, etc., were out west; it was just too much in her head.

“Abby signed a short-term lease on a new apartment. She mentioned in a text that her plan may be to pack up everything in August and drive to my place.

“We still text most days, but I am giving her space and not texting as often. Also, I am leaving the emotion of how I feel out of the texts. I am showing her that I am thinking about her every day by virtue of the texts. They are shorter and about what I did that day or a photo of what I am having for dinner, kids’ birthdays, etc.

“Although my kids have known Abby all their lives, I understand they are probably not ready for this. But I do feel that I am in love with Abby. I’ve been in love in the past, obviously with Ruth and I am not meaning to compare, but it’s a different feeling of love and intensity than with Ruth. I haven’t felt like dating. I am not on dating sites and have turned down advances from other women.

“All this emotion came on quickly at least when compared to anything from the past and with Abby also saying the same thing. What I’m trying to figure out is how much the prior 37-year friendship with Abby has to do with me having such intense–in a great way–emotions for her versus some sort of comfort that I’m seeking because of the death of Ruth?”

Tom’s nine thoughts on Ben’s saga

Champs, I’d like your opinions on this saga. Here are nine thoughts from me that come to mind:

1. Why did Abby have a sudden change of heart and drop the bomb on Ben out of the blue? Didn’t she consider his feelings? What triggered her action?
That’s not how one treats a soulmate.

2. Did Abby give up her celibacy? I’m guessing she did. Perhaps she regrets that.

3. Is this long-distance relationship possible? A distance of 3,000 miles isn’t simply the next town over.

4. In August 2023, will Abby move in with Ben? He will still have one son and his mother living in the house. Egad, would that work? He says his kids might not be ready for Abby to move in. Is Ben willing to wait eight months? Does he realize that Abby might change her mind and decide to not move to be with Ben? If so, he’s wasted those eight months waiting for more disappointment.

5. What about Abby’s daughter? Is Abby willing to leave her on the West Coast?

6. What the hell does ‘radical honesty’ mean?

7. What happens if Abby meets someone before August? Or Ben meets someone?

8. Ben asks in the final paragraph why he has such intense feelings for Abby. I don’t think it matters why. That’s what love is. However, love can be blind and cloud clear thinking.

9. At least Ben throttled back on the texting. Should he just have said, ‘Adios?’ instead?

I’m all ears. Let me know your thoughts.

Wednesdays are never dull

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

DECEMBER 2, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Wednesdays are never dull

I allowed a dumb thing to happen this Wednesday. I received an email earlier in the week titled “Seeking Clarity” from a widower of two years that in a nutshell had to do with a woman he has been dating. It was lengthy, close to 1,000 words. He wanted to consult with me over the phone.

I read it and immediately felt it had enough widower-dating information to make an interesting eNewsletter for you Champs. Frankly, it’s been a bit difficult to generate meaningful topics since Greta passed away a month ago. My battery is a bit spent.

Anyway, I emailed back to him saying I’d be happy to consult with him and that I’d like to use his story in this week’s eNewsletter and asked for his permission to do so. Four days went by without a response.

So, Wednesday I realized I’d better get a newsletter written for today. I decided to use his story and started editing the material. I changed the names of the people involved and their locations just to protect myself. The project took close to four hours. I finally had what I thought was a worthwhile newsletter that you Champs would respond to.

Around 2 p.m., I got a response from him saying there were some items of information he did not want included and to hold the presses. So, here I had a completed eNewsletter for this week with which I was pleased. And I couldn’t use it. The dumb thing was that I invested four hours without being 100 percent sure it was okay with him. One would think that after 28 years of writing columns, I’d have been smarter than that. Again, I just haven’t been thinking clearly for the last month due to my loss of my mate for 25 years.

So what happened? I’ve been trying to senior downsize and get rid of stuff lately. I looked at one of the boxes in the living room that was filled with 136 Writer’s Digest Magazines, dated from 1987 through 2011. I don’t want to just pitch them out. I used these magazines to learn how to write and how to hone my writing back even before I became a columnist. I attribute the tips in those magazines to helping me learn the trade. Perhaps, a Champ or two will come up with an idea of what I can do with those magazines.

Also, I noticed, on top of the pile, a magazine titled “55 Plus. For Active Adults in Central New York.” It was dated June/July 2011. There was a promo on the front cover that read, “Seniors Using Online Dating Steadily Increasing.”

I started reading the article. It said, “The number of seniors who use online dating services is expected to skyrocket in the coming years…”

I said to myself, “Just for fun, I’ll read this article to see how online dating has changed since 2011.”

Paragraph five blew my mind. It said, “Tom Blake, an Orange County Register columnist and author of several books about finding love after the age of 50, said that more than half of 50 couples he surveyed for a recent book (How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, published in 2009) indicated that they found their current significant others on Internet dating sites.

The next paragraph read, “I was surprised by that,” said Blake, who also publishes a free e-Newsletter for older singles simply called the Tom Blake Newsletter. “And even more interesting was that one site, Match.com, blew away the competition, based on what the people said about their experiences with different sites.

“Changing attitudes are a big part of why so many more people over 50 are dating again,” Blake said. “Some people may elect to never marry again after a divorce, but they are looking to cohabitate.”

I had even more words of wisdom in that article but that’s enough for now. I can’t remember being interviewed by Aaron Gifford, the person who wrote the piece. Finding that story was the result of me being so dumb earlier in the day by writing for four hours, only to put that eNewsletter in the can, to be used in the future.

And here is a surprising coincidence. In the U.S. mail on Wednesday, a condolences card about my losing Greta a month ago arrived in the mailbox. It was from a woman who said, “My ex-boyfriend and I, Susan and Ward, are Chapter 35 in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. Our chapter is titled, Seeking an ‘intelligent and solvent’ man. Then she went on to explain why they aren’t together anymore. And then my worn-out Wednesday brain started thinking, “Humm, maybe that could be a future eNewsletter topic!”

My book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 is available on Amazon and my www.Finding Love After 50.com website or email me directly for a special price and signed copy.

So anyway, I hope I also get to use that initial column I wrote for today’s article soon. Knowing you Champs, I think you’d have a field day from what the widower wrote.

Around here, Wednesdays are never dull.