Roadrunner at the Indian Canyons Golf Course Outdoor restaurant (photo by Tom Blake November 2023 while dining)
Instead of picking on a poor turkey this Thanksgiving week, this roadrunner is pictured at Indian Canyons Golf Resort South Restaurant (open to the public) in Palm Springs. Ca. Don’t drop food; she’ll out-peck you.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
November 24, 2022
Brief eNewsletter This Thanksgiving 2023 Week
By Columnist Tom Blake
Happy Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Week. A brief column today while thinking of Greta Cohn, my partner of 25 years, who passed away October 29.
However, as I often do, I have a song for you. In honor of Greta and the roadrunner pictured above, the song is “All The Roadrunning” by Emmylou Harris and Mark Knopfler, a strong favorite of mine. Here’s All the Roadrunning link
I dedicate this song to a friend who helped me for a short time after the passing of Greta. If she’s reading this eNewsletter today, she probably understands why it’s dedicated to her.
Singer and songwriter Rod Stewart is mentioned today. The photo courtesy of TheScottishSun.co.UK
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
November 18, 2022
A Widow Sees No Chance of Dating Again
By Columnist Tom Blake
Married 40 years, a recent widow sees no chance of dating again
This week, I received an email from a recent widow. She gave me permission to share the email’s contents with our Champs. I will call her Maggie May, not her actual name.
Coincidentally, Maggie May is the name of a 1971 song by Rod Stewart. At the end of today’s article, there is more information on Stewart’s songs and a link to Maggie May, and another link to the flip side of that record, Reason To Believe.
Maggie May emailed, “I follow your articles in the San Clemente Times in southern California. I enjoy hearing the male perspective on dating. I haven’t noticed women writing to you saying something like this, so I will say it: ‘I am 60, recently widowed after 40 years of marriage (Covid took my college sweetheart), and wanting to date.’
“I tried the dating apps and failed. I am not willing to pay $5,000 for a professional matchmaker. I contacted a matchmaker; she was very nice initially. Then she found out my husband and I had opposite religious faiths, which was never an issue for us in 40 years. We celebrated both religions. She turned cold. It was shocking.
“Also, friends and family don’t know anyone for me to date.
“I am physically active. I volunteer and play sports, but I just don’t see a chance of dating again. Where do I start? Are you sure you aren’t a matchmaker?”
Tom’s response to Maggie May “Thank you for mustering the courage to contact me. By writing, you have already started to enter the senior dating arena. More importantly, please don’t give up on the chance of dating again.
“You are young, and just beginning your quest.
“You didn’t fail with online dating; it just didn’t work out for you. While online dating has been successful for some seniors, many feel as you feel, it’s not their cup of tea.
“And no, I’m not a matchmaker, but lately, a few south Orange County single guys around your age have contacted me. Perhaps you can exchange emails with them. Let me know if you want me to give you their email addresses.
“You said friends and family don’t help you. But consider this, perhaps a neighbor down the street or across town appeals to you but he isn’t available. You may not even be aware of him but your family members or friends might know him.
“However, life can change in an instant. That guy might become single overnight. He may feel like you, asking himself, ‘Where do I start?’ Keep reminding your friends and family that you’d like to meet a nice guy. Don’t give up asking them. It only takes one.
“Another indication that you have already started is by your doing volunteer work and playing sports, places where you meet new people. The important thing: Continue to get off the couch and out of the house and pursue activities you enjoy. Maybe even add a few more activities.
“Finding a new relationship doesn’t just happen. However, you can dramatically help make it happen by making interacting socially with people a top priority.
“If you see a man who appeals to you, and, who appears to be available (no wedding ring or maybe he winks at you), strike up a conversation or ask him a question, whether in the produce or wine section of a store, at church, or wherever you go when you are out and about. Be assertive, but not aggressive, and always be friendly and smile. Exude positive energy.
“Let’s say he’s already in a relationship. He might mention to you that he has a buddy who would like to meet potential mates and he’d be happy to introduce you to his buddy.
“I recommend you sign up for this free weekly On Life and Love After eNewsletter. Simply email me and I’ll add you, or you can sign up on the homepage of my website listed below. I attempt to answer all emails in a timely manner.
“Having lost Greta, my partner of 25 years, last month, I understand your loneliness and pain. Perhaps, via this eNewsletter, you’ll get some tips that might be helpful, or you might exchange emails with single men. I’ve often explained why I’m not a matchmaker to our Champs; I think they understand.
“Don’t give up; you are on your way to the senior dating arena.”
Tom’s comment about two Rod Stewart songs The song Maggie May became a number-one hit on the charts. It was the B-side of the record (the A-side was Reason To Believe). Maggie May features one of the most memorable “get-even-for- breaking-my-heart” lines I’ve ever heard:
“The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.”
I like the A-side Reason To Believe better. Its opening words are also a relationship-misery classic: “If I listened long enough to you, I’d find a way to believe that it’s all true. Knowing that you lied straight-faced while I cried. Still, I look to find a reason to believe.” Link to Reason To Believe by Rod Stewart
And finally, thanks to so many of you for sending heartwarming thoughts and sympathy wishes to me, regarding my losing Greta three weeks ago. Together, let’s keep this eNewsletter moving forward.
My favorite picture of Greta. Handing Maya Angelou my new book at an AARP Convention in 2009 (photo by Tom Blake)
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
November 11, 2022
Loving Her Was Easier than anything I’ll ever do again
By Columnist Tom Blake
Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)
A few years ago, my partner Greta asked, “Is there anything you want me to do as far as a ceremony if you pass away?”
I replied, “I don’t want a funeral, but if you have a celebration of life for me, I’d like you to play six of my favorite most meaningful songs by the original artists. Make a tape of them and play each song. I insist they are the recorded version and not by a tribute band or some other artist.”
Greta said, “Will you write them down for me?”
I did, and here is the list:
1 Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)by Kris Kristofferson
2. If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks
3. Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash (written by Kris Kristofferson)
4. The Dance by Garth Brooks
5. Dry Your Eyes by Neil Diamond
6. Dreaming My Dreams by Waylon Jennings
Of course, when I handed the list to Greta, I didn’t expect that someday I’d be playing one or more of those songs in her memory. They are all country and Western songs and Greta–when we first met–wasn’t a country fan and didn’t know much about country music. I love country music because it’s so expressive and written from the heart.
Over the years, Greta started to enjoy it. I about fell over when she asked me to play a video of Freddy Fender singing, “Before The Next Teardrop Falls.”
Fender wasn’t country, he was a Tex-Mex Tejano singer, but when she said that, I knew she had expanded her music-loving horizons to a point she had never expected.
There was no way I felt that I would outlive Greta. (Greta Cohn passed away two weeks ago, October 29). In her honor, I am including a link to the first song on the list,Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again,) at the end of today’s eNewsletter.
Next, I must tell you how overwhelmed I am by the emails you Champs sent me last week. There were so many that it took me three days to either respond to each one or at least, archive each one.
If what you emailed me is not included in today’s column, please understand, there wasn’t enough space, although they were all incredible and each one touched me deeply.
My intention in this week’s eNewsletter is not to get syrupy or drag you through my grief, but rather it’s to ensure I clearly express my appreciation for the caring and outpouring of love you sent to Greta and to me.
My first realization was how many of you Champs have also lost loved ones in your lives. Your messages about your experiences have helped me greatly and hopefully will help others when the need arises.
John said, “I can relate to your feelings as I’ve lost two wives to cancer.”
Victoria added, “I have been in your shoes, 13 years ago, my husband of 25 years died.”
Beverly emailed, “My husband died in late July.”
A male Champ said, “My former wife was a special ed teacher (as was Greta) and special education teachers are so important they get to be in the express lane when they get to heaven.”
My second realization was how much Champs loved Greta, although most hadn’t met her in person.
While each email was special to me, I’d like to share a few that truly hit home.
Anne, a widow living in Arizona, who was married to a high school classmate of mine, wrote, “After my husband died, I went to a grief workshop. One of the things they taught was what they call STUGS. It stands for the Sudden Temporary Uptake of Grief. These hit at unpredictable times. Sometimes, I could identify a trigger, but other times they just came like a bolt out of the blue.”
Oh my gosh, I clearly understood what Anne described. I’m certain other Champs have experienced STUGS themselves. They are like earthquakes and can arrive in clusters or one at a time. At least now I understand they are normal reactions to losing love, whether a partner, family member, friend or even a pet. I’ve had a plethora of STUGs this week.
Mark, another Champ, emailed saying he and his siblings are forever grateful to Greta for laying her hands on the gravestones of his parents in a cemetery in American Samoa. Greta and I visited Mark’s parents’ graves four years ago while on an extensive cruise in Asia and the Pacific.
Francine wrote, “I know how you feel as my husband passed away unexpectedly in 2012 at age 67. A year later, I started to date Bob. He passed away in 2017 at age 69. Healing takes time. You don’t get over it; you just get through it.”
Ray wrote, “To be overwhelmed by grief, you must be overwhelmed by love. You had a relationship to be treasured and remembered.”
Marty stated, “I’m bawling like a baby, after reading your column for so many years, I felt I knew Greta. She was very special.”
There are no words
One theme that was mentioned in many emails was the feeling that there are no words spoken that can make the pain go away. For example, Rhen’s email began “Words fail at this time…”
Jessica, wrote, “There are no words…”
Carolyn emailed, “Words can never express how sorrowful I feel…”
And, Terry said, “Tears are falling…I could see the love and respect you both had for each other.”
And then, there were endless heartwarming emails. Here are three:
Elenute wrote, “Thank you, Tom, for being in our life, too.”
Nigelle said, “When sorrow’s shadow lessens, you will know Greta in every flower and every sunrise.”
Jessica emailed, “You and Greta felt like family.”
I will end this eNewsletter with a message from Deanne who wrote, “I hope you continue writing for many years. It brings us laughter and the true reality of being over 50. It gives us knowledge, and hope, and brightens our days. I don’t sleep well, so, early on Friday mornings, I’m always looking for what you’ve written.”
Thanks to all of you for being virtually by my side during this very difficult time. I feel the power of love from each of you.
Link to “Loving Her Was Easier (Than Anything I’ll Ever Do Again)”
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter November 4, 2022
Overwhelmed by Grief
By Columnist Tom Blake
Last week I wrote the longest eNewsletter ever, featuring 18 responses to the topic, Senior Sex. With or without a commitment?
Today, I am writing the shortest eNewsletter I’ve ever written.
My heart is heavy, my eyes have tears. On Saturday, October 29, at approximately 2 a.m., my life partner and best friend of 25 years, Greta Cohn, peacefully passed away, concluding a 130-day battle of attempted healing and recovery.
On July 11, Greta fell and broke her hip. She had been experiencing neurological issues that affected her balance and other symptoms. That day commenced her 130-day battle of a hoped-for recovery. The hip healed; the neurological symptoms worsened. The final two months were spent in our home under Hospice care with 24/7 caregivers assisting.
At home, she was loved, not only by me, but by her four children, eight grandchildren, and four great-grandchildren. Also by her sisters and brothers. Not one day went by during that 130-day period without at least one of her family members visiting or being at her bedside.
I share this news with you today because you Champs are like family to me. Many of you have had similar experiences, either recently or in the past. Everyone faces unique challenges as they grow older. We all do the best we can to deal with those issues.
There are no services planned at this point, except for a family-members only scattering of her ashes near Catalina Island on May 6, 2023, which is three days before her 81st birthday. The reason it will be near Catalina Island is all four of her children–Terri, Tina, Tammi, and Tony were born on the island.
You probably are thinking, “What can I do to help?” My answer: “No flowers, cards, or gifts. Please just a prayer for Greta. She had a heart of gold. She taught special education children for 32 years.”
One last item. The healthcare workers who touched Greta’s life were incredible people. They loved Greta and she loved them. They are angels.
Thanks to all of you for being in my life.
Tom and Greta at Cristo Redentor in Rio de Janeiro
Tom, Greta, and Diane Sawyer on June 8, 2005, Good Morning America appearance where Diane interviewed Tom
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter October 28, 2022
18 Responses to Senior Sex and CommitmentBy Columnist Tom Blake
18 responses to last week’s sex and commitment eNewsletterEditor alert:
This is the longest eNewsletter I’ve ever written, thanks to the sage comments from our Champs regarding senior sex and commitment. And senior sex and intimacy. Be sure you read the final response from an anonymous man. He hit the winning home run, during this, World Series week.
Today’s eNewsletter features 18 responses (12 from women, six from men). The ratio of women to men responding was two-to-one, dramatically more favorable than the dreaded senior dating ratio of seven-to-one mentioned last week. What women saidJoanie emailed, “I think an 81-year-old man in good shape should advertise himself as an ‘escort’ (be healthy, stay in shape, look good, dress well, and smell good).
“Many single women have events and dinners to attend and need an escort but not a relationship. A man, by escorting, is doing community service without commitment. He’s getting to know the women and will eventually find one that is compatible.
“When he is the escort, the woman pays for everything, even if she wants a traveling companion, she pays. I saw a TV program about two older men in Palm Beach, Florida who were doing this.
“In this way, everyone gets what they want, and the man will eventually meet a true partner. Dating for oldsters is hard because it has a potentially romantic connotation whereas escorting does not have that connotation.”
Carolyn said, “The sex factor constantly pops up in the dating scene. Like many women, I have decided to not date anymore. Sad but true. I have been disappointed so many times by men who think that if they take you out to dinner or the theatre, they are owed a roll in the hay!
“The last man I dated was wonderful to speak with and we had so many of the same interests. I thought that I finally found a wonderful guy. However, after the second date, he mentioned SEX! “Not a problem for me since I do enjoy it, but he thought it was appropriate to say we should try it first before we continued our relationship. I was shocked when he said, ‘You wouldn’t buy a car without trying it out, right?’ That was the end of the relationship.
“Now, I attend group functions, theatre, dancing, Zumba classes, and movies. I enjoy my single life! Still, fingers crossed in hoping to meet someone special!”
Linda: “Lots of women don’t like sex. They gave it up after the kids were raised. I’m 72 and have lots of lady friends my age who aren’t interested.
“Men want sex even if they are unable to perform. Some men can’t take Viagra or Cialis because of the cardiac medications they are on. Men also want someone who can cook and take care of the house. Some women don’t want to cook anymore. So, there are quite a few women who don’t want sex, don’t want to cook, and haven’t taken care of their bodies.”
“Women like myself, who like sex and don’t want to be with a nice guy who can’t have sex–and who just wants me to cook and clean for him–won’t work for me. With the 7:1 ratio, I have no problem finding a male interested in me in this 55-plus community where I live. I’d say I’m a more balanced older lady. I enjoy, sex, I’m a good cook, I’m social and good looking and I’m in good physical condition for my age.”
Gail, “Senior sex is a bitch. I wish I could have it as often as I want and not be affected by it. Unfortunately, as a widow, I realized I was not a carefree-sex person. I tried.
“Once sex came into the relationship, and the guy was not a committed BF, I tried to make it so. I did not like being that type of woman. So now, after two or three dates, I tell him that he is pressuring me for sex and I’m not on the same page.
“If he likes me, he’ll work to make it happen, so far, there have been none of those. Truly, why should he wait? I get it, there are seven or more women waiting.
“So, I enjoy my friends and activities and keep hoping I’ll find that single, great guy who wants a committed relationship with me and not just sex.”
Anonymous (woman), “I just read your newsletter and decided to comment…since it has to do with sex, something I used to love and do miss now.
“The last time I had sex with a man was in the summer of 2016. He was 53 with a youngish, still in-good-shaped body. I was 67… and not in the potato body shape, I have now. At that point, I had known him intimately for 14 years so casual sex was comfortable with him, and I had seen his body for 14 years, starting at age 39. Major attraction.
“I have found it difficult over my years of dating men age 60+ to feel any sexual attraction to these men. They are old and they are strangers. I was not one to have casual sex with men I had no loving feelings for.
“Men I have never seen naked when they were 30 and now at 75 or 85, I don’t want to see naked! At least not casually. I suppose if I dated someone (platonically) for a long period of time and fell in love, that would be a different feeling.
“I haven’t met that man yet-I don’t ‘fall’ easily. But these older men I have experienced, have been missing a spouse or long-term girlfriend and they just want to have sex.
“For me and maybe many women like me, thinking about dating and possibly having sex with a man in his 70s-80s is not appealing. Now we just want the companionship we would have had if we had aged for years with a husband. Like most men, I am a visual person and my senses including sight and smell either turn me on or off.”
Mariana, “I believe age 81 isn’t important. More important is a woman’s attitude, her style of dressing to be feminine and not to act like an old lady. Her chance will be much higher no matter how many women are out there, they mostly are not competition for this kind of woman.”
Laurie Jo, “Sex without a commitment is not for me. After divorcing my husband, I decided to have a sleepover with a nice man whom I found attractive. It wasn’t all that great, and I felt cheap and ‘icky’ the next day.
“I tried it and did not like it. If other people are ok with that sort of thing, more power to them. But for me? Absolutely not ever again.”
Marie, “When it comes to having sex, it’s been my experience that there is little difference in behavior between guys in their 70s and 80s and from how I remember them behaving in their late teens, 20s, 30s, etc.
“The difference with some older guys is that they come with a ton of emotional maturity and wisdom, but they all like to have sex. Women do too, although generally, they are more selective, and while they appreciate intimacy, they take longer to appreciate someone as a possible sexual partner.
“Most, not all women, also prefer some type of commitment. I think one 83-year-old guy whom I had just met summed it up well. He told me that he was sexually active, his plumbing worked, and he could do everything that he could do when he was younger, except that it took him a little longer to do so.
“What he failed to understand, is that if he had waited to tell me something so intimate, and actually taken the time to develop a friendship, I might actually have been interested.”
Susie, “I understand what Jerry from last week is talking about. I am the female version of him! I am 80 and still very interested in the sexual part of my life. Women say, ‘Why can’t you just be happy with a nice man’s company and forget about the sex part? You would have someone to go out to dinner with, travel with, and have great conversations with.’
“I say I am not dead yet but, for me finding someone that I am attracted to is a big problem! I am very active and look and act much younger than 80. I am not looking for marriage again, but I would like a partner in crime.”
Kattie, “This is why I have so much trouble finding someone, it’s not just small-town blues, or being on dating sites, or meeting in person. I’m 70, an attractive homebody but I like short excursions. What I’ve found over the last 20 years online and in general, about 70% of men ask very personal questions about sex and my body during the first conversation.
“They show pics without shirts from their 50s, 60s, and 70s and up. A total turn-off for me. I don’t need marriage, but I do need monogamy, no wondering about multiple women in my world.
“I need to get to know somebody. I will kiss cheeks. I remember a 2nd lunch date. He kissed me three times in the parking lot on the lips before I pushed him away. WTH. I feel a woman will initiate another kiss if she wants more; it must be mutual.
“I would have been good if he’d just given me time instead of pushing so hard so fast. He cut off the whole friendship. Then later he said he might have made a mistake. That was two years ago. I haven’t heard from him. No chance, no romance. It would be nice to be in an intimate/sexual relationship, but I won’t be rushed.”
S (woman), “I met this man who doesn’t date women over 40. Why? He said they’ve lost all ‘desire.’ He doesn’t want a relationship, merely sex. He’s a nice-looking man, 73, fit, and has all his hair and all his teeth.
“Sure, he can get the younger women now, but what happens in seven years when he’s 80? A 40-year-old isn’t going to want him! Guys, it’s important to build a relationship-the sex comes with it.”
Marjorie, “Such a conundrum. Jerry seems to think that one should be physical first, then emotional intimacy will follow. But the problem for many women who are looking for a long-term relationship is that emotional intimacy usually doesn’t follow, and these women are left wondering why the guy has disappeared after sex or a few dates.
“Or maybe they think, he’s not the guy I thought he was, and they lose interest. I think from the female viewpoint unless you just want many sex partners, one should be in a mutually exclusive committed relationship before embarking on sex.
“I know, probably unrealistic today. I would just say to people that if you are in a committed relationship, you are building sexual intimacy on a foundation of mutual respect and love. Otherwise, it feels more like you are just taking each other out for a test drive without an emotional connection.
“Most senior women have a good life with a circle of friends, family, and exciting activities. We don’t need a man who brings nothing to the table that we need or want.
“We want someone who makes our lives richer, more fun, and exciting, we want attentive loving lovers. Maybe he’s not that great of a lover. Or that great of a friend. It sounds like women may not be interested in taking Jerry for a test drive.”
“Yes, I am the Marjie who wrote to you previously about reconnecting with her college boyfriend after 46 years. We have been in an exclusive long-distance relationship (1300 miles apart) for the past 2 1/2 years. Through covid.
“We spent the past summer in Montana and this past week in Portland OR for a Who concert.”
What men said
Ken, Mobile, Alabama, emailed, “I must live in the only area in the whole country where there are so few single women over 60. I’m widowed and 64 and rarely meet a woman who is not married and over 55. Mobile is not a haven for single women over 55 but plenty of 35-55 ladies who are just too young for me!”
Army (Curtis) “I feel Jerry’s pain. If a woman has had to take care of a husband that has died with lingering issues, they don’t want to do that again.
“If they want to go out for fun, they will call a girlfriend. They shrug off the nice guys and keep picking the bad boys who cheat on them, or who verbally or physically abuse them. Then, they wonder why they always get the loser.
“These are the men they pick, always the same kind. Then, they finally give up dating. I go out on weekend nights and see tables of groups of women partying with themselves.”
Don, “As I’ve aged, my experience is that women become nonsexual at an earlier age than men. Despite cries of bias, men place more value on sex than women. This is true. It is uncomfortable to talk about. And just talking here makes me cringe.”
Art, Laguna Niguel,Calif. “I am 71, and relatively active. After being married for 48 years, I found myself suddenly single. The last two years have been ‘interesting,’ dealing with a divorce, moving twice, selling a house, buying, and remodeling a house, selling a business, and retiring just a few months ago, all complicated a bit by doing it during the pandemic.
“One of the things I have learned about myself over that period is that I enjoy life more being able to share the joys with someone else. I heard a quote attributed to the late golfer Tom Weiskopf: ‘You don’t want to walk the back nine alone.’
“So now I want to, ‘get back in the market.’ I have decided to try online dating, and the more I research the options, the more confusing it is. Based on your communication with your Champs over the years, do you have an opinion about which might be the preferred service for a guy my age who is looking for a serious, ‘forever’ relationship?
“The online sites all have advantages and disadvantages one doesn’t find about until you’re involved in the process for a while. Others’ experiences would be of value to me.
Bill, “Intimacy is a highly personal matter at any age. Acting responsibly with a partner is important. Sex drives vary greatly especially as we age. Being honest with your partner makes for both the best emotional and physical relationship.
“Some people might want multiple partners, but I think most seniors want monogamy and no one should risk transmitting sexual diseases. Great sex as one grows older can really enhance a relationship.”
And finally below, the sixth man to comment. His email describes a widower’s difficult decision to move on with life after losing his wife—the only woman he had ever been with. It’s one of the most poignant emails I’ve ever used in an eNewsletter. I think you’ll agree.
The 6th man, “Here are my thoughts regarding your most recent eNewsletter but please do not use my real name as this is very personal and I’d prefer to remain anonymous. “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college. Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. “As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy. But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.
“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. Fast forward to today and I am now dating a wonderful woman.
“As you would expect from two healthy adults who are attracted to each other, we have become physically intimate. The attraction is not just physical but also emotional and we are dating exclusively. That required a certain amount of trust from us both since neither one of us is interested in casual sex and had only known each for a short time.
“We are both committed right now to the relationship and both hopeful it will work in the long term. At this point, I can’t say that I love her with all my heart, but we are close and from what I have seen it is very promising.
“At first this intimacy was difficult for me as I was feeling guilty and unfaithful even though I understood I was no longer married. I had always expected I would only have one sexual partner in my life and appreciated that idea, which is rare in the world. I will always love my late wife, but I have also come to realize that this does not prevent me from loving someone new.”
“For me, it was a physical attraction, and emotional closeness and trust, and a desire to become intimate with a woman again that allowed me to take the leap. “Thank you for all you do to help those of us who are finding love after 50!”
Tom’s comment: Wow, Champs – men and women—during World Series week, you knocked it out of the park by stepping to the plate and opening your personal vaults on this sex with or without a commitment issue.
I imagine the above 18 Champs’ words will trigger even more responses. Heck, there might eventually be enough information for a book. Maybe we could call it, “Sex with or without a commitment during World Series week!
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 21, 2022
By Columnist Tom Blake
Senior dating is difficult with a myriad of challenging issues–trying to meet people to date, the lack of available single men, ghosting, scamming, gaslighting, dating married men, and a plethora of different relationship types such as long-distance, non-romantic, friends-with-benefits, and living-apart-together relationships, for example.
And then there’s another important senior dating issue that I tend to avoid: senior sex and intimacy. Why? It’s too personal! I feel uncomfortable writing about it, although I think it’s an important issue for seniors and I admit I’m physical myself.
Usually, the topic of senior sex and intimacy gets included in this eNewsletter when a Champ fires off a question or comment that makes me squirm a little. It happened this week when Champ Jerry, not his true name, sent an email. He and I have been buddies for a couple of years and I thought this is an important topic for seniors.
Jerry emailed, “It is weird being out there at age 81. Many of the women with whom I talk say that all the men they meet just want to get into the sack with them but with no real ongoing relationship. Generally, those women state it’s not worth the bother. Consequently, many senior women simply avoid the dating scene entirely.
“It is just my impression, but when you start sleeping together it becomes more emotional. At some level that implies more of a commitment.”
Comment by Tom: “Geez, Jerry, thanks for clarifying the sleeping together/commitment issue. That may be helpful to some of those men referred to above who just want sex without a commitment.”
Jerry continued: “I really like sex, but I have not been pursuing it because I don’t want to hurt the other person by not following through with an emotional and enduring commitment. The other side of that is I am picky so that is frustrating as well. I suspect I am not unique in my feelings but, who knows?”
Quirky but not kinky
Jerry added, “So here is the quirky thing. I live in the city of Laguna Woods, in Orange County, California, with 18,000 people over the age of 55, mainly property owners. Of those, 6,000 are men and 12,000 are women. I am assuming that 5,000 of the men are married, which leaves 1,000 single men.
The dreaded senior dating ratio
“The remaining 5,000 married men are married to women of Laguna Woods, which leaves approximately 7,000 unattached women living here. That represents an approximate ratio of single women to single menof seven-to-one. I have heard the ratio is more like eight-to-one, also a ballpark figure. Some women–consistent with the lack of interest in dating that I mentioned above–are not available to date. Regardless, that still suggests there are lots of ladies out there.”
Comment from Tom: I have referred to this ratio in previous eNewsletters and newspaper columns as “The dreaded senior dating ratio.” An 8-to-1 ratio is pretty dreadful, and so is seven-to-one.
Jerry continued, “I have some lady friends that appeal to me on one level or another, but it just hasn’t reached the Physical stage, a la the Olivia Newton-John 1981 record. I suspect it will come but who knows when? ‘T’is a conundrum.”
Tom’s comment: Often, when a song is mentioned in an eNewsletter or one pops into my head, a link is included to that song. But I must admit I wasn’t a fan of that Physical song, and the video is kind of sleazy so no link to it is included today.
2-WAY STREET
Jerry concluded with: “The final issue is, while someone might appeal to me it does not necessarily follow that I would appeal to her. It is not her fault that I don’t float her boat. The ending remark is from a friend who a lifetime ago said “Om, All will be revealed. Om.”
Tom’s summary comment: I would think an 81-year-old single guy living in the same small community as 7,000 single women aged 55-plus could find a compatible woman who appeals to him physically and she to him. Perhaps, he’s undecided because there are so many desirable women from which to choose.
And then there is the commitment issue that accompanies the senior sex topic.
Of course, how single seniors define commitment as it pertains to senior sex needs to be decided between consenting partners. Dating exclusively? Living together? Getting married (doubtful)? Personally, I think an exclusive commitment is the way to go.
Let’s hear what Champs have to say about this touchy subject.
And speaking of commitments,to enjoy these “Humps,” a commitment of 300 yards is required
I read this little tidbit online Monday, September 5, 2022. Nothing surprises me anymore:
At the Harry Reid Airport (Las Vegas), a 28-year-old woman left a Chili’s restaurant at the airport without paying her tab a week or two ago. She was arrested by police.
She reportedly said that the police arrested her because they had never seen anyone so good-looking. Apparently, she threatened to spit at the police.
Delightful. I guess she felt that being “so good-looking” allowed her to skip out on her restaurant tab.
Judit Masco, a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition front-cover model, pictured above, was pretty “good-looking” and not only paid for her tab in 1990 at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, but also left a large tip).
2. Comments from Champs responding to last week’s “Senior non-romantic love” article. (also known as senior platonic love)
Kaitte said, “Some of my best friends are men. I have met and known several women who have married younger men. One man was 17 years younger, and they are as happy as a clam.
“All of the items you listed–keeping your independence, keeping your life, and staying friends are important–they will know if their situation changes but after 10 years together, I doubt it will.”
Brenda emailed, “I have a senior unromantic love relationship. My man friend and I have played very important roles in each other’s lives and shared many laughs and tears. We have confided things to each other that we’ve never discussed with others. I wouldn’t trade his friendship for anything.”
Ted (a Jackson Michigan, high school classmate of mine) emailed, “Regarding your ‘Live at the Ryman’ article two weeks ago, I’ve always envied your relationship with Johnny Cash. I knew very little about country music until my days working at WALM radio in Albion, Michigan.
“One of my colleagues there came to Michigan from Tennessee as a young man and brought with him a love and deep knowledge of that genre.
“We had a program at WKHM radio in Jackson (Michigan) that was hosted by a guy who called himself ‘Georgia Boy Ben Worthy,’ who used Johnny’s Orange Blossom Special as his theme music.
“I have two or three favorite Johnny Cash albums that I listen to as I mow my lawn. (Yes, I still mow my lawn, maybe just to prove that I can!) My wife Marcia says that sometimes I sing along with Johnny as I mow, but of course, I attribute that to her imagination.
“I would be hard-pressed to pick a favorite Johnny Cash song, but Sunday Morning Coming Down would be near the top of the list.
“‘I Walk the Line’ always reminds me of our classmate Lee Taylor because it was on the jukebox in a tiny restaurant he and I visited during one of our extended fishing trips 200 miles or so north of Sault Ste. Marie.”
3. Senior scams. Scammers at work
On Friday, August 26, I received an email from a comcast.net address with this subject line: “question!!!!!!!!”
It read, “Please can I ask you something important?
Jon”
I thought it was strange. Not only was the question grammatically incorrect–“can” is wrong here; “may” is the correct word, but why does someone need permission to ask? Normally, I would just delete an email like that, but I didn’t want to be rude in case it was one of our Champs asking the question. So, I replied, “Sure, what’s up?”
The person, using the same name, replied from a different email address(<axxxxxxxx34474@gmail.com): “Thanks I’m glad you replied back. Sorry to bother you, today is my niece’s birthday and I promised her and her friend a Sephora gift card for her birthday. I’m traveling at the moment and have tried every means possible in purchasing one online, which is to no avail.
“Please, I would appreciate it if you could help me purchase it in a store around you. Am only looking to spend a $400 Sephora gift card ($100 each denomination 2 cards) on it. I’ll pay back as soon as I get back. Please let me know if you can handle this.
“Await your soonest response. Best regards, Jon”
Of course, I knew it was a scam. And then I realized that the name on the original email seemed familiar. I checked our eNewsletter subscriber list. Sure enough, the name and email address belong to Jon, a Champ. I had received 16 emails from him between 2007 and 2013, but none since 2013. However, our eNewsletters are still being opened by him.
Hence, I sent him an email to notify Jon that he had been scammed. Jon responded: “A lot of people got stuff like this. It’s all nonsense. Ignore and discard.
“I’m still seeing Sharon. Today is our mutual birthday. Going out for dinner when her cat recovers.”
Hence, Jon is aware of what happened. I also reported the scammer’s Gmail message to Google. They are investigating.
And then this Tuesday, I received another suspicious email from needles@progidy.net, with the subject line: “Urgent.”
It read: “How are you?
“I need your help. I’d appreciate it if you could email me back. Am unable to talk on the phone right now due to a serious sore throat.
“Please let me know if you are online. Thanks. Deanna.”
A sore throat? Really? I did not answer.
These two emails are samples of methods scammers are using. Please beware.
That’s it from the Mailbag for this week. Let’s hope this heat wave eases; we all need a break.
Pam, 77, Placentia, Ca., emailed: “I was married for 28 years and then was a senior ambushed by divorce. I have been single for 30 years and have been enjoying your newsletter for nearly that long, or, for however long you have been publishing it online.
“We used to pay for it and it was worth every penny! I love the stories, both personal and champs. Your wise advice is always appreciated. Thank you for the generosity of your time and compassion for the singles of a certain age.”
Tom’s response: “Wow, Pam, thank you. I used to charge for the eNewsletter but decided when I expanded the reach to other than just senior dating to include life situations that I would no longer charge for it.
I have no plans to start charging for it again (unless the majority of Champs insist!). I benefit by selling a few books. Plus, I also benefit from the material that Champs provide, which keeps our topics and material fresh for future eNewsletters and newspaper articles.
I admit, there are times these days when the information received slows to a trickle, sort of like the drought here in California with the water.
Pam said, “I have an interesting story. A year after my divorce I dated Dan, whom I met in the singles Sunday School class at the E V Free Church in Fullerton. A girlfriend of mine from the class (Jeanne) dated another man from the class (Jim)) and he and Dan were good friends. The four of us did a lot of fun things together. We were all dumpees (perhaps a new senior dating term).
“After six months Jim’s wife decided she wanted him back. Because of his family, he reconciled with her. As much as he cared for Jeanne, he explained what he felt he needed to do. I never forgot that he told Jeanne that the four of us made a great couple!
“Not too long after that Dan broke up with me and everyone moved on. Dan and I remained friends and would date off and on through the years.
“Jim was remarried for 10 years and then his wife kicked him to the curb again. In the meantime, Jeanne married a terrific man.
“Dan and I were in one of our dating-again times. He invited Jim over for a BBQ. During the evening, Jim and I discovered that we had a lot of interests in common. We decided to do some activities just as friends. Well, we had so much fun together that our friendship turned to love.
“He told Dan and Dan was angry for a while, but he got over it. Jim told Dan that Dan had his chance for years and he blew it! Jim and I were so happy for 14 years. I have no family and I was included as part of the family by his married daughters and grandchildren. Jim and Dan remained best buddies. Jim jokingly told him that he was leaving me to Dan, in his will.
“Last December, my sweet Jim passed away from heart failure. He was 80. I saw Dan at the service for the first time in 14 years.
“A few months later, Dan asked me if I would like to go out to dinner. We are now dating if you can call it that at our age. We thought we were old when we were divorced in our 40s but now, we really are! He’s also 77. We are comfortable talking about Jim and sharing stories about him and I like that. Neither wants to be married.
“Dan is still a homebody with few interests but that’s OK now. In 2018, I had five vertebrae in my neck fused and in 2019 I had 10 vertebrae in my back fused with two long rods, 20 screws, and five spacers. I am doing well but have limitations which Dan is very understanding about. So here we are together 30 years later, senior comfortable companions.”
Tom’s comment: I told Pam I needed to create a flow chart to understand all the ins and outs of her Jeanne, Jim, and Dan saga. Pam’s story provides two senior-relationship lessons.
1. Seniors shouldn’t burn their bridges. We never know when old friends or old flames might reappear. In Pam’s case, if she had pushed Dan out of her life forever after he dumped her, she likely wouldn’t be with him as “a comfortable companion” 30 years later. Having a companion is a lot better than going it alone when we are in our 70s or 80s.
2. Previous relationships can rekindle. We hear of people reconnecting at high school and college reunions. And in Pam’s situation, after being with Jim for 14 years, she’s spending time with Dan who was Jim’s friend. They can talk about Jim without either one getting wigged out.
I wonder if Jim put words for Pam about Dan in his will. That’s kind of a cute twist to this somewhat hard-to-follow story.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – August 12, 2022
By Tom Blake
Patrica and Cowboy
Cowboy on his Harley
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletterAugust 12, 2022
By Columnist Tom Blake
There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter
Part 1 – Senior Dating – Love on the back of a Harley
I received an email this week from a Champ that began, “Hi, it’s Patricia, Chapter 12,” which puzzled me for a few seconds, and then I noticed that Patricia had added the words “Love on the back of a Harley.” When I saw those words, I knew immediately who it was from.
In 2009, I published a book titled “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” The book’s title is slightly off. A more accurate title would have been: “How 58 Couples Found Love After 50.” Eight additional stories were added after the final artwork was submitted. So, there are 58 stories of how senior couples met.
When I answered Patricia’s email, I signed my email–not as Tom–but as “Chapter 58,” which is the final story of the book and tells of how Greta and I met when she ordered a fresh carrot juice at my deli 25 years ago. Several of our current Champs’ stories are included in that book, including Patricia’s and Cowboy’s, which is Chapter 12.
In her email, Patricia wrote, “I wanted to share a fun and unique experience that happened recently. “My husband, Cowboy, and I moved from Paso Robles, California, to Montana, last year, and we love it. We bought a much nicer house for $100,000 less than the one we sold in California. The cost of gas is at least a dollar less a gallon and there is no sales tax. When you buy new furniture and a washer & dryer, as we did, that makes a huge difference!
“The Paramount TV Series ‘Yellowstone,’ starring Kevin Costner, is filmed here, and my husband and I have been paid to be extras in the show. What an adventure that has been! “Many people beg to be extras, but they will only hire residents of Montana. I can’t tell you much about it as we had to sign NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) but I can tell you that it’s an amazing and very well-managed production.
“Season 5 will start airing mid-November, but they will be shooting through January. We may do more days as extras. “On another subject, we are fully enjoying going over the Rockies on the Harley and doing the ‘Run to the Sun. “We live just an hour from Glacier National Park, so we are taking advantage of the warm weather and exploring many parts of the park. I’ve included some photos that reveal the spectacular scenery.”
Comment from Tom: As sometimes happens with stories from Champs, coincidences emerge. Two happened with Patricia’s email. She mentioned Kevin Costner. The first coincidence: my partner Greta was in a business administration class at California State University Fullerton with him in 1974.
The second coincidence is Glacier National Park. In 1976, my buddy Jack Jarrell and I went camping there with our two women friends. He and I were avid fly fishermen. The general store manager in our campground mentioned a lake about an hour’s hike away at a higher elevation that was filled with hungry native rainbow and brook trout. The four of us went for it and hiked to the lake. The weather was as perfect that day as the pictures that Patricia included in her email reveal.
Each one of us caught our fish limits within an hour. It was the most incredible fly fishing I had ever experienced. We decided to take the fish back to the campsite to cook for dinner. Jack’s lady Jan said she had a special recipe for cooking wild-caught trout. We were licking our chops (what we did not know was there was a 4-legged hungry animal nearby which was also licking its chops).
As the four of us were walking back, about 200 yards from the lake, a park ranger on horseback with a high-powered rifle protruding from a saddlebag approached us. He said, “I see you have some fish.”
I guessed that perhaps he thought we didn’t have fishing licenses. I said, “We all have fishing licenses!” He said, “This is far more serious than that.” He had our attention. The Park Ranger said, “Did you see that pile of poop about 25 yards back?” We all nodded yes.
He said, “Was it steaming?” We all nodded yes. He said, “A grizzly bear just dropped that 10 to 15 minutes ago. He will smell your fish and be coming after you for them. He’d be happy to kill you to get them.” The Park Ranger was dead serious. He said, “Toss your fish in the bushes and follow me. I will lead you away from the bear.”
We complied. After a quarter mile, he said, “You’re safe now. I’m leaving. Have a nice day.” At the campsite that night, we cooked hamburgers over the fire. We imagined that our grizzly buddy was enjoying a fresh fish dinner near the lake. That’s the Glacier National Park coincidence. So, Champs, keep the stories coming. Have I told you about the shark encounter on The Great Barrier Reef? Only joking, of course.
Part 2 – How 50 (58) Couples Found Love After 50
I’ve got a few copies of How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 in inventory. For Champs who would enjoy a book, the cost is $8.98 which includes taxes, shipping, and a signed book. In 2009, that would have cost $24.00. You can pay with a credit card via my PayPal account or a check. Email me if you’d like a book at that special price. Each of the 58 stories concludes with a short “Senior Dating Lessons Learned” section, which provides helpful advice for singles who hope to meet a mate.
For example, in Champ Patricia’s Chapter 12 section, her lesson is: “When senior dating, open your mind to new adventures and activities. Expand your horizons, your reach, and your thinking.” When Patricia and Cowboy first met, Cowboy rode a Harley; Patricia was a fashion-industry expert. Diverse backgrounds. And yet, they met, married, and have an incredible relationship and love for each other. Ride along with them on their Harley.
Tom’s book on sale -email me tompblake@gmail.com for details
In the last two eNewsletters, I included an SOS message of sorts, reminding Champs to send in their experiences, stories, and questions, so that the articles will keep coming on a weekly basis. Many of you responded, which I appreciate.
Last Friday, while online, I received an email with this subject line: “SOS – The New Lyric Video!” At first take, I thought it was a Champ response to my send in your information appeal. Then, I noticed it was someone else who sent out an SOS message.
As some of you know, ABBA, the Swedish singing supergroup from the 1970s is making a comeback, of sorts. A new custom-built venue called ABBA Arena opened on May 26 in London, which features “Voyage,” ABBA’s first album in 40 years since the group split up. Is the foursome performing 40 years after they split up? Yes, of course, with lots of their old hits, plus some new material also. But there is a twist.
New Abba Arena (photo by Nick F June 2022)
The four original members, Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid have created a concert called Voyage using the same sensational music but digital versions of themselves. The four appear as avatars showing what they looked like in the 1970s, not what they look like now in their 70s.
The London ABBA Arena “Voyaged” show is backed by a live 10-piece orchestra. The show includes the magic of ABBA using motion-capture technology in a spectacular virtual reality show.
They did appear on opening night in person on stage before the concert. The concertgoers went crazy.
In a way, the ABBA members are like we Champs—they are in their 70s now and they’ve aged as we have. In YouTube footage I watched of them appearing on opening night on stage, Agnetha was using a cane. Most of us can relate to them: we loved their music then and they are older like us now.
Bjorn said it so well in an interview about the story behind the Voyage album. “We’ve aged, but the spirit is still there.”
There are two links listed below to ABBA’S new material. The first is to the new spicy version of SOS. Plus, I’ve included another link to an interview with Benny and Bjorn explaining how the Voyage album came together. The group spent six weeks in a studio perfecting the album and videos.
Performances are sold out for most of the summer. The Voyage website is filled with information, including directions on how to reach the Abba Arena, via train and the London underground tube.
I mentioned ABBA recently in an eNewsletter and how in 2013 Greta and I were in Stockholm on a cruise, and we found the ABBA museum while riding on a Hop On, Hop Off bus. It was the opening day of the museum. They were sold out. We were told we couldn’t go in.
Tom and Greta with Abba look-a-likes in 2003 (photo by Tom Blake)
However, in her gracious, sweet, and convincing way, Greta was able to persuade the museum manager to allow us to enter on that opening day, a memory we will never forget. And while there, we were able to watch while standing four feet away, Natalie Morales of the Today show, interview in person Bjorn and Anna-Frid. That interview aired in the United States live on the Today Show that day.
Natalie Morales of Today show interviewing Bjorn and Anna-Frid in 2013 (photo by Tom Blake)
Will Greta and I go to London to see the Voyage concert? Probably not. But, if we get a call from Bjorn or Anna-Frid inviting us, well, we might rethink it. In the meantime, enjoy the links below.
Link to SOS
Link The story behind the album “The spirit is still there” Bjorn.
Tom and Greta at Cristo Redentor in Rio de Janeiro
On Life and Love after 50 