Uncategorized – Page 15 – On Life and Love after 50

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 28, 2019

by columnist Tom Blake

Two parts today: Part 1 – Never-Married woman in LAT

and Part 2 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Never-married woman in LAT (Living Apart Together Relationship) unsure if she should breakup with man friend of two years

Champ Judy, not her true name, emailed, “I’m 78, never married (not yet, haha), though I had proposals. I met one man in my 30s who I would have married, he was nine-years-younger, his parents broke us up. We were so happy.

“He came back a year later to ask me to marry him, but I broke the date, not knowing that’s what his plan was. We didn’t get back together, and, he eventually married someone else.

“I compare everyone to the wonderful relationship we had. I know it’s ridiculous to hang onto the past and the hope I could meet another like him.”

Tom’s comment #1: Yes, Judy is right. Hanging on to a relationship for 45 years–give or take a few years–is looking back instead of forward. With a nine-year age difference back then, who knows how that relationship would have played out?

Judy continued, “I’ve been in several relationships since him, three asked me to marry but I knew they weren’t right. I can’t believe I let my whole life go by without the experience of marriage or children.

“I’d love to know if any other Champs are in the same situation (never-married but thought they would eventually-didn’t happen. How do they deal?).

“I lived with one person several years and besides the three marriage proposals after my 30s, I had several prior to that. Why I didn’t realize I should have built a life, a family, I don’t know? Fear?”

Tom’s comment #2: Perhaps some of our Champs will respond to her “never married” statement.

A high school classmate enters the scene

Judy added, “Two years ago, a high school classmate, also 78, and I began a relationship. He was married for 53 years; his wife had dementia for several years, he cared for her until he couldn’t anymore. She went into assisted living. He was there every day. I’d see him at reunions, he looked sad, we’d chat.

“After his wife died, he came to see me often, helping me move, buy a car, he remembers our anniversary of our first holding hands, our first kiss, and incidents like when he says he thought of me all the way home (hour and 1/2 away). Our feelings grew and we declared our love.”

Every relationship has baggage

Judy said, “Situation is he’s a country boy and I’m a city girl. When I stay at his place, I feel like I’m in the boonies and when he comes here, he cannot stand traffic. He curses at traffic, or if he drops something, or, when he can’t find his phone, etc.

“I can’t stand someone getting upset in traffic or because he has to wait while handling something on the phone, etc. It cuts into the peace we are experiencing and really affects me.

“He would like me to move up there, but it’s really rural. Nice house, but mostly still set up when his wife was there.

“He’s not sure if he wants to keep up the work of three acres, an extra guest house, but it gives him exercise and a sense of accomplishment. He loves fishing and does that often. I’ve ridden in the boat twice. I used to go boating when younger, but it’s not the most thrilling thing, though his place is peaceful and beautiful.

“We just talked a few moments ago, as he’s up at his place and I’m at my home. He had been here several days and needed to get back up there.”

He loves me but he’s controlling and jealous

Judy mentioned more, “He misses me and loves me. For the first time, instead of rolling his eyes when I want to go to my church group, or other places I like to go, he’s encouraging me to do so.

“I try to please him. He tries to please me too, but up until today, he complained. Today, he said he didn’t want to be someone who controlled my life. That was new because in fact, he tries to.

“He is jealous that I’ve been in several relationships prior to ever knowing him.

Tom’s comment #3: This couple has a LAT—a living-apart-together relationship. Sounds ideal for them, considering the plethora of aspects Judy doesn’t like about him.

Senior sex

Judy continued, “He’s constantly wanting sexual activity to the point I think he’s obsessed. Is this normal?

Tom’s comment #4: Look at it this way: he finds Judy attractive. At 78, many men can’t even whistle Dixie, let alone have sex. Is he over-sexed or is she under-sexed? Some women would consider this an asset, not a liability. What’s the problem?

Judy said, “Having said all that, he’s truly a fine person and the reason I got involved to begin with. There’s much I love about him.

“I’ve thought about moving up to his place and building a new life. It’s just that I like civilization. I also love his friends, they’re fun, great people. Also, He’s remarked, he thinks about moving into my place, thus no yard to mow, hedges to trim, repairs to make and the like. He’s conflicted and so am I.

“If we break up, I figure it would be my last chance at a relationship whereas he could find many others as a man (In Florida, where I live, there are lots of men). All relationships have adjustments the older we get.

“Today over the phone, when he called to say I love you, he also said he wants me to do things I want. I do love him. We love each other, but we’re so different.

“He has a large family, consisting of siblings, nieces, nephews who all love me, are happy for us and I love them, they’re a lot of fun. He has a son with a girlfriend who doesn’t want children, and a daughter, granddaughter and a great grandson. We all get along great. I enjoy being with them and love for him to spend time with them.

“My writing is convoluted I realize, and any comments will be welcome.”

Tom’s closing comments to Judy:

The most important sentence you wrote is highlighted in yellow above: “We love each other, but we’re so different.” That’s the beacon of light under which your relationship functions.

Five additional comments:

You love each other so why at 78, would you break up? Perhaps your propensity to break up is why you never married. Instead, simply make adjustments as necessary
You didn’t marry before, why would you marry now, when you are so different from each other? Marriage might screw up a nice relationship
You say you’re both “conflicted” about relocating. He loves the country; you love the city. Neither would be happy living permanently in the other’s environment. Problems would quickly arise. Keep your respective homes. Don’t sell them or move
You are in a LAT—a living apart together relationship. You live an hour and a half away. Seeing each other as often as you want is a luxury. Many people would envy your situation. Have you looked in the mirror to see if the problems you describe are not his, but yours?
You say he’s controlling, jealous and wants too much sex. Do you think that’s going to change if you both lived under the same roof? However, he sounds as if he is willing to change.

Why change anything? If you miss each other and want to see each other more often, simply do it.

PART 2 – UPDATE ON SENIOR MEET AND GREET IN DANA POINT LAST NIGHT

Last night at the deli. From left. Regina, Samantha (owner Tutor and Spunky’s), Greta, Tom Patrick and Mipat (spelling ?) But, there were 120 more who attended)

The event was incredibile. An estimated 125 people attended. I didn’t realize that two people who met at the June M & G have been dating for five weeks. See, love can happen at our age! Details next week on the event.

Matt and Cheryl – Successful senior internet long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 21, 2019

by Tom P Blake

Matt and Cheryl – A successful senior internet long-distance relationship

Setting the stage–October 2015:

Cheryl, 68, twice divorced from “two very unhappy marriages.” Lives in Ohio. Owns a horse and a home. Two kids, both married. Grandchildren in Ohio nearly grown. She’s lived within 30 minutes of them from the time they were born. All family members live in Ohio and she has many friends there as well. She’s also very involved in her church.

Using free online dating site OK Cupid. Answered 600+ questions on Cupid questionnaire.

Cheryl says, “I know many of your readers have expressed skepticism regarding the safety and efficacy of online dating. I did background checks on a few of the men I was interested in.”

Cheryl considers herself to be a ‘word nerd’—she has a collection of inspiring quotes she tries to live by. Example she provided:

“May I have the courage today to live the life that I would love, to postpone my dream no longer, but do at last what I came here for, and waste my heart on fear no more.” Author unknown.

Matt, 68 (three months younger than Cheryl), widower, one daughter living in her own home in same city as Matt, in the Upper Peninsula (U.P.) of Michigan. Using OK Cupid, Answered 400+ questions on OK Cupid questionnaire.

Getting to know a potential mate the correct way: a step-by-step process

Cheryl says, “When Matt and I were on OK Cupid in 2015, questionnaire answers were multiple choice, however, there was space to add comments to answers; Matt and I both did that on many questions.

“Answers were grouped by category, making it easy to check potential compatibility regarding issues such as religion, political views, etc., and there was a category that essentially identified ‘deal breakers,’ which was also very helpful in ‘weeding out’ potential partners.

“Hence, when we started communicating, we already knew quite a lot about each other.

“We progressed from on-site communication to email to phone calls to Skype-dating calls. Prior to giving him my email address, I Googled him and ran a basic background check.

“By the time we went on Skype, we had enjoyed nightly extended phone calls, often 2-3 hours! The Skype-dating calls were wonderful as you can see each other and enjoy facial reactions.

“In April 2016 (five months after initial contact), I flew to the U.P. to meet Matt in person, and, visit the U.P. for the first time. I stayed a week, at his apartment, which may have been somewhat ‘brazen’ of me, but even that short time living under the same roof increased our understanding of each other.

“In July 2016, Matt drove to my home in Ohio, stayed for two weeks, and met my family and friends. By then, we had fallen in love and decided we wanted to spend ‘the rest of the journey’ together, and I had decided to move to the U.P.

Relocating for senior love to begin a new life

Cheryl continued, “I moved from Ohio to the U.P. of Michigan in Sept. 2016 to be with him (11 months after first contact). It was a big decision, as I wanted Matt to have the opportunity to live close to his daughter when she married and had children. We moved into Matt’s home.

“I like the U.P. and have made a new life for myself here, joining a church, working part-time at an elementary school, and am boarding my horse at a wonderful facility where we are starting a non-profit program called ‘Hoofprints of Hope.’

“The goal is to provide equine experiences for at-risk kids. Matt has been involved as well offering business-planning advice gleaned from his experiences as a city manager and economic development specialist, and he is planning to do some grant writing for the organization.

“Regarding the cold weather (Tom had asked me about this), until this past winter, our weather wasn’t much colder than in Ohio. This past winter was exceptionally cold, but I put blankets on my horse–he’s in the barn at night–and I just layered-up! I’m REALLY hoping this winter isn’t as cold!

“I’m a graduate of Ohio State University. Tom also asked if there was an Ohio State vs. Michigan rivalry, as there is in football. We aren’t into football so that’s a non-issue.

“Matt, unfortunately, has dealt with several health issues including cancer in the three years that we’ve been together, but fortunately he is now cancer-free.

“I am still encouraging people to try online dating utilizing precautions such as background checks. If you want to be in a loving relationship you must make an effort to find it! It won’t find you!”

Keeping in touch with family and friends

Cheryl continued: “We return to Ohio to visit at least once a year, and my daughter and family visited us here in December 2017.

“Matt and I feel extraordinarily blessed to have found love with each other at our age–72 now! We know it would not have happened had we not taken a chance on the internet. We both feel the format of OK Cupid was instrumental in our finding each other.

“I learned much more about potential partners online than when meeting men in a social situation.

“I reported several obvious scammers during my online searches. Maybe Matt and I just got lucky, but before we met, I interacted/communicated online with several nice and genuine men.

“Hopefully, we can inspire others to search for and find love and happiness.

“My sister and I had parents who were married for 60 years, so a new woman in our dad’s life (after Mom passed) was quite a surprise! However, she was a lovely person who made Dad’s last three years very happy, and we remained close to her until she passed.

“Dad said, ‘Life is for the living,’ and his decision to seek happiness in his later years with a new partner was influential in my decision to do the same. In addition to finding happiness myself, I hope I have also set an example for my kids and grand kids of overcoming difficulties in life.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks to Cheryl, for so willingly sharing the “Matt and Cheryl” meeting. Six long-distance dating tips from this story:

Finding love after 50, 60, 70 or even 80 can happen, but it takes work, time and likely some money
Cheryl and Matt made the right moves: Putting themselves out there. Progressing to Skype-dating. Doing background checks. Meeting face-to-face within a year.
A willingness to relocate by at least one person
Acceptance of and dealing with complications as they arise—biggest one is usually health issues. Other issues could be money or children
Being close in age can help, but, isn’t mandatory
Having similar interests.

Reminder: The Senior Meet and Greet is this coming Thursday, June 27, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, CA 92629. 5 to 7 p.m. Beer and wine, $5 each. Complimentary appetizers. 949 412-9008. No need to RSVP

Tutor and Spunky’s – Dana Point California

Dry Your Eyes – McStay Family 9-year ordeal coming to an end

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 14, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

“Dry Your Eyes,” a nine-year ordeal coming to an end

This January, I wrote a column titled, “The McStay Family Deserves Closure.” In one way, it was easy for me to write, as I was closely acquainted with the people affected. In another way, it was difficult to write, as it was deeply personal to me.

That January article described an ordeal that the McStay Family—my ex-wife Susan and former stepson Mikey—have been through over the past nine years.

Background: While on a business trip to Dallas, Texas, in the mid-1980s, I met Susan McStay. In 1987, Susan and one of her sons, Mikey, moved to live with me in San Rafael, California. A few months later, her other son, Joey, joined us.

Six months after that, the four of us relocated to Dana Point in southern Orange County. She and I married later that year; we divorced in 1994.

On February 4, 2010, Joey, his second wife Summer, and their sons Gianni, 4, and Joseph Jr., 3, went missing from their Fallbrook, California home.

Five days later, their Isuzu Trooper was found abandoned in a strip mall parking lot near the Mexican border, giving the impression that their disappearance may have been voluntary, that perhaps they had decided to travel or move to Mexico without telling anybody.

But, that didn’t add up. Food was left on the dinner table, their beloved dogs had no food or water, and there was $80,000 in a bank account. And Joey would never have left without telling his mom.

The mystery of the family’s whereabouts lasted nearly four years. On November 13, 2013, an off-road motorcyclist noticed parts of a human skull in the Mojave Desert near Interstate 15 in Victorville, CA., and reported it to law enforcement. The four McStay bodies were found buried in two shallow graves. A sledgehammer was in one of the graves.

A year later, Nov. 5, 2014, Chase Merritt, a business partner of Joey’s, was arrested on suspicion of bludgeoning to death all four family members.

Another four years passed, until, January 7, 2019, when the trial finally began, which is when I wrote the “McStay Family Deserves Closure” article.

Keeping in touch with Mikey

Mikey, and his new wife, Gaylan, live in the North Beach area of San Clemente, near the McStay Memorial Bench, which is on a bluff overlooking the ocean at 1407 Buena Vista.

McStay Family names on Memorial Bench in San Clemente, California (photo by Tom Blake)

Mikey and I have touched base a few times during the last several months. Mikey phoned me in early June, saying the trial would end soon. He was upbeat.

The verdict was reached on Friday, June 7. However, it wasn’t revealed until 10 a.m., June 10. I wanted to hear the outcome the moment it was announced. I couldn’t get it on live TV, or online, so I turned on my car radio to KNX and sat outside our Dana Point home in the car until I heard the news. It’s the same home where Joey, Mikey, and Susan lived with me for six years.

After a nine-year ordeal and a five-month trial, a verdict was reached: Merritt was found guilty on four counts of first-degree murder. There remain many unanswered questions about the case, and now the sentencing phase is underway.

Did the verdict bring closure to the McStays? In a way, perhaps. But how will they ever forget what happened? Closure wasn’t the correct word to use in that article. According to a June 11 Los Angeles Times article, by Alene Tchekmedyian, as Susan left the court room, she mentioned to a woman, “It’s over.” So, maybe “over” would be a better word choice than closure.

After hearing the verdict Monday morning, I was in a fog most of the day. Although I hadn’t seen the McStays much in the years following the divorce, they had been a part of my life for six years. And I am the reason they moved to California, although years ago, shortly after the family disappeared, Susan told me emphatically not to think that way.

The lyrics, “…To those distant fallen angels, who descended much too soon,” from the song, “Dry Your Eyes,” co-written by Neil Diamond and Jaime Robertson in 1976, kept going through my mind on Monday. It’s a start-healing song, that was written after the 1960s assassinations of JFK, Martin Luther King, and Bobby Kennedy.

At a Hot August Night Neil Diamond concert at the Los Angeles Forum in 2017, one of Diamond’s last concerts, I videoed three minutes of him singing “Dry Your Eyes.” Greta and I were sitting in the balcony and I didn’t have my zoom on, but it’s still the best video of Diamond singing that song–and his band playing it–that I could find on YouTube. The band member playing the trumpet is outstanding. The link to the video is below.

You will notice in the upper right corner of the video, beginning about 35 seconds into it–there is a close-up screen of Diamond, and then at the 1:30 point of the video, the trumpet player appears and plays his solo also on that screen.

Now that the verdict is in, somewhat ending the nine-year ordeal that the McStay Family and Summer’s family have gone through, perhaps those family members will be able to start drying their eyes.

Link to my Dry Your Eyes video on YouTube:

https://youtu.be/riPIMKjYFWA

A reminder: the next Senior Meet and Greet will be Thursday, June 27, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, 5 to 7 p.m. I always enjoy meeting and getting to know our Champs who are able to attend.

Another online romance dating scam

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 7, 2019 – And the beat goes on

by Tom P Blake

Another online romance dating scam

When I read, on June 3, about another online dating scam, the words, “The beat goes on,” entered my head. Of course, that’s the title of a popular 1967 Sonny and Cher song that Sonny wrote. It became a Billboard Top 10 hit.

None of the song’s lyrics popped into my head, just the title, because I keep hearing more and more about online dating scams.

As I stated last week, I never want our Champs to get scammed out of their hard-earned money or savings. So, I’m going to share the details of this scam story with you.

The source of the information: an online-only newspaper called the Laguna Niguel – Dana Point Patch that covers “Nearby News,” here in south Orange County, California.

The Patch headline: “Dating App Romeo Suspected Of Swindling Dates.” The story was written by Paige Austin.

Ms. Austin wrote, “A dating app Romeo suspected of seducing and swindling scores of women may have more victims across the region, according to detectives from the Los Angeles Police Department’s Commercial Crimes Division.

“Thirty-seven-year-old Wilson Edward Jackson, of Woodland Hills, was arrested last week on suspicion of multiple felonies, including identity theft, forgery, and grand theft. Now they are asking for additional victims to come forward. According to authorities, Jackson was a hit on online dating apps and social media, where he targeted single women.

“After meeting them, he went to work stealing from them — sometimes by stealing their identities, according to police. He sometimes used their money to lure in new victims, police allege.

“Victims that visited Jackson’s Woodland Hills apartment were victims of identity theft, as Jackson stole their credit card information and checks from their checkbooks while they slept or used the restroom, according to the Los Angeles PD.”

Wait! Hold the presses! Let’s look a little deeper into the above paragraph. Granted, it’s talking about the behavior of a 37-year-old man, so I assume the women victims were also in their 30s, and maybe 40s. But there is a lesson in here that our Champs, who are primarily in their 60s and 70s, can learn from, or at least, be reminded of.

Did I read, “…while they slept or used the restroom?” I hope our women Champs are savvy enough to never leave their purses unprotected–while using the restroom in a guy’s home or a in restaurant, or in a shopping cart (I see it at Costco all the time), or anywhere. That’s begging for trouble.

And it sounds like lots of women slept at this man’s apartment. That’s even crazier! Not just because their purses were in jeopardy, but, so was their health, and perhaps even their lives.

Lesson here for seniors as well. A few years back, the fastest growing (percentage-wise) age group for people contacting STDs was the age 55+ population. Before getting intimate with anyone, particularly someone you’ve just met, insist on both you and the other party get tested for STDs. Also, while you’re at it, have a background check done, find out as much about him or her as you can, and proceed cautiously. Trust your instincts.

The Patch article continued: “Jackson would use their stolen information to buy clothes for himself, pay personal bills, or make travel arrangements for other victims of his scam.

“According to police, Jackson would sometimes ask his dates for a loan, claiming he was having issues with his bank, or that his car was impounded with his wallet inside.

“He would promise to repay with cash, but instead would provide the victims with checks written on closed personal bank accounts, according to detectives. Authorities received reports from dozens of women, and they suspect more women may have been victimized.”

So yup, “the beat goes on.” You can find the link to the song at the end of today’s column.

Part 2 – Senior dating when there is an age difference – one man’s opinion

Champ Curt emailed, “In fairness to Vicki (the woman from last week’s eNewsletter who is dating a guy 10-years-younger), forget the age question. Does the other person (who is out of Vicki’s self-imposed age range) make you happy, put a smile on your face, or brighten your day?” More than likely!

“Or, would you rather date in your age range, even if someone cheats on you or mistreats you?”

I think we all know the answer to that question. Go for it, regardless of age.

Curt added: “A woman laid this comment on me two years ago: “I may not be too young for you–but you might be too old for me.” Good point, and a dose of reality for we older folks who have illusions of grandeur.

Part 3 – Senior dating: On meeting new people. Forget the seventh-grade mentality

Champ Diane wrote, “My friends and I had a great evening at the Meet and Greet. Thanks so much to you, Greta, the Tutor and Spunky’s staff and the wonderful people who showed up. There will always be complainers in this world. Ones who expect to be noticed just because they showed up!

“How many women try to meet the men either by introducing themselves, or, by joining a conversation where a cute guy there is talking with a bunch of people?”

“We seem to have our seventh-grade mentality and wait for ‘that cute guy’ by the basketball court to come over. Women meeting other women is a good idea too. I think we are all past the point where we must wait. JUST DO IT!

“Plus, I have to say the men aren’t trying very hard either. I noticed it doesn’t seem to be their objective to meet someone.”

Tom’s comment: Diane is right. There were two single men who showed up together and sat at a table by themselves, with several attractive single women all around them. They made no effort to talk to women.

I smiled when I saw two of the women who told me they were originally from Europe take the initiative to talk to the two men. Soon, all four were seated together engrossed in conversation. Who knows what romance flowers might blossom from that little meeting?

Diane concluded: “I thought the evening was very successful and as always, look forward to seeing you next time.”

Next time, of course, is: Meet & Greet, Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, Dana Point, CA., Thursday, June 27, 5 to 7 p.m.

Link to Sonny and Cher singing The Beat Goes On. This is the studio recording. The trumpets and brass really make this song. By the way, the song was played at Sonny’s funeral. Also, “And the beat goes on” appears on his gravestone. He died in a tragic skiing accident. Terrible loss. He was a popular mayor of Palm Springs. To start video, tap on the white arrow.

Statue of Sonny Bono on Palm Canyon Drive in downtown Palm Springs

The Beat Goes On – Sonny and Cher

Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point

Tom talking to seniors at Dana Point California Meet and Greet May 22 2019

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 31, 2019 – Keeping me focused – The next Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point California is Thursday, June 27, 2019

by columnist Tom Blake

Get it right, Tom

I received several comments about the singles Meet and Greet recap in last week’s eNewsletter. However, the most frequent comment wasn’t about THAT Meet and Greet, it was about the NEXT Meet and Greet. I wrote it would be Thursday, June 28.

About 20 Champs set me straight (in a cordial and respectful way). In 2019, there won’t be a Thursday, June 28. That Thursday is June 27. I stand humbly corrected.

And speaking of Meet and Greets, Randall emailed, “Tom, I’ve been advised that you have a singles group that meets at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point on a monthly basis. I know your reputation for being honest and would like to attend the next meeting.”

My response to Randy: “With this group of astute Champs, anything less than honesty would be exposed in a nanosecond.

“The May Meet and Greet at Tutor & Spunky’s Deli was the first one since I sold the deli in 2015. Turnout was great, about 100. We will continue to have them as long as senior singles in our area want them.”

I suggested Randy sign up for this On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter on FindingLoveafter50.com, so he can be updated on upcoming events and singles information that I consider important, interesting (and honest!).

Romance Scam alert

Randy’s “being honest” comment leads me into a story of someone who wasn’t honest. I’m sharing it today because I never want any of our Champs to be scammed out of money, assets, self-respect, or anything.

I read an article written by Faith Karimi that appeared on CNN on May 24. A woman from Georgia was swindled out of $80,000 by a young scammer. I couldn’t determine from the article the age of the woman but was shocked that she was so naïve and foolish that she gave the man the money after one week of dating.

Here are some of the excerpts from the CNN.com article:

“John Martin Hill, 35, connected with the woman…on Match.com in late March…Hill took the woman out on a date the same day they met (online), and the two agreed to get married a week later… (I thought to myself—you must be kidding–she met him in person on the same day first contact was made, without checking him out, and, agreed to marry him in a week?).

“He told the woman he’s a millionaire, and they decided to invest in a love nest. The woman gave her now fiancé $80,000 (cash) to help with the home’s purchase…

“During their short romance, he convinced her that they were in love and wanted to buy a house together…When he got the money, he cut all contact with the woman… (shocking, I know).

“The man lived with another woman and a child in Duluth, Georgia — and he’s wanted in Virginia, Delaware, Maryland and New Jersey for similar scams, authorities said.

“Since then, several women have come forward and said they were in a relationship with him, or, knew women who were. Hill has changed his name at least five times in two and a half years, police said.

“Police arrested him Wednesday at a hotel in Franklin, Tennessee…”

The CNN story also stated, “’By sharing this story, it is our hope that he is not able to victimize any other women using this scam,’ Gwinnett County Police said in a statement. ‘These types of con men are very good at manipulating their victims. They tend to say everything that a woman wants to hear.’”

Emphasis on sentence above: they tend to say everything a woman wants to hear.

Apparently, Hill has used several aliases including Gregory Hill and has scammed women in several states. He’s behind bars now, and it seems he will be for years to come. He was busted in 2012 but was still able to operate scams since then.

How anyone could be so naïve is beyond comprehension. However, it happened to women in several states. Wow.

Link to that article:

https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/24/us/georgia-alleged-romance-con-artist-trnd/

In fairness to Match.com…

I don’t want to give the impression that all Internet dating sites are bad, and I’m not singling out Match.com. I am merely re-emphasizing that one must be careful when meeting strangers online or anywhere.

This week, Don, one of our Champs, wrote to say he would attend the next Meet and Greet. Don said, “I met the perfect lady for me on Match.com a little over a year ago and she seems to think I am the perfect man for her. Edie is 73 and I am 78 and we are doing great.”

Meetup.com is not a dating site, but here’s why it’s a good option for meeting people…

Vicki wrote, “I’m 70. Widowed 5 years. I loved being married and though I don’t want marriage at my age, I do want a companion. I’ve been lucky and I’ve dated a lot.

“I’m a determined lady and I’ve used all the dating sites (and I took dating seriously) and I’ve had horror stories, but I’ve also met some ‘ok men,’ just never ‘my man.’ I always picked men that were 3 or 4 years younger; I’m an on-the-go, fun, lady who attracts younger men, men who also like to get out and have fun).

“I’ve always turned down dates from anyone younger than 3 or 4 years. Even though I’ve always been told I do not look my age, I never strayed from that age range because I was brought up that women date their age or older.

“As for the you-look-younger line I hear, people say that to be nice and your age is going to come up sooner than later when you date, and I’m a bad liar. I always told the truth about my age and ignored the invites from the 50s + group.

“I joined a fun Meetup.com group–single and 55+ was the requirement. I recommend Meetup.com to meet men vs. online dating. Of course, more women than men are in this group, but lucky me, an attractive man 10-years-younger, took a liking to me.

“We went out, he knew my age, he didn’t care! I wrestled with the age differences until I realized how much fun I was having with him, and guess what? We are now companions, spend at least 4 or 5 nights a week together, have gone on two trips and I’m happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship!

“My new advice for all daters over 55 is just go for it, enjoy every minute you have and forget age, be honest and if they don’t care, you don’t care! You are as young as you feel and when anyone asks my age I now say, ‘I’m old enough to know better than to answer that, and young enough not to care that you asked!’ Then I wink! It usually gets a laugh!”

Memorial Day Ceremony and Flower Drop at the Palm Springs Air Museum…

A P-51 Mustang participated in the Flower Drop flyover. This plane was flown by the Tuskegee Air Men

Greta and I were in Palm Springs on Memorial Day. We decided to attend the 22nd Annual Flower Drop & Air Fair at the Palm Springs Air Museum, known as one of the best air museums in the world. As a Navy veteran, Memorial Day means a lot to me. I wrote about our incredible day there, and included several pictures and videos. If interested, go to http://www.TravelAfter55.com. The home page will open on the story. That is the same website with all of our travel adventures on it.

Reminder: The next Meet and Greet is Thursday, June 27, 2019, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, CA. 5 to 7 p.m.

Where are the men?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 24, 2019 – Two parts today:

Part One “From the Mailbag”

Part 2 – Wednesday night’s Meet and Greet (with photos)

Part One – From the mailbag – responses to Where are the men?

I’m surprised. Despite last week’s eNewsletter being laden with Census Bureau statistical information about people age 65 and older, which I thought would be boring to some, a surprising number of sage responses arrived in my email inbox.

Some of the responses, had the usual off-the-wall twists and humor in them. A few of those comments follow, with my responses back to the senders. Women wonder: where are senior men?

Mohammed Gariba (unedited) emailed, “How can i get widow to marry iam in Ghana”

As you can surmise, particularly from the poor grammar, I suspected a scammer. Not to mention, an individual who was geographically undesirable. Usually, I ignore emails like that. But, a couple of brief replies popped into my head so I answered Mohammed:

“How can you get a widow to marry you? Have you asked one?”

And this: “Move to Alaska.”

He responded, “I will do that if I have the means.”

His dilemma solved.

@@@

Andrew emailed, “Tom, you wrote, When you consider that many of those men included are in a relationship, or don’t want to be in a relationship, or never married, or aren’t ‘relationship material,’ as some women point out, the realistic ratios are much larger.”

Maybe there are a similar proportion of women in a relationship, etc., etc., so the realistic ratios remain the same.”

Tom to Andrew: “Good point. I considered it. But more women than men express the not-relationship-material aspect. Regardless, whatever the actual, realistic, ratio, it’s still tougher on women than men. Where are senior single men is asked often. ”

@@@

Thomas (not I) emailed, “Five years ago, I lived in San Clemente and twice attended your deli Greet and Meets. I have since moved to Salida, CO.

“I still believe I am one of those men that can’t find that woman to be with the rest of my life. I bought a motor home this past year and spent the winter in Texas and AZ. I am 80 and in good health. So, I am asking the question, ‘Where are all the women?’”

My reply, “There are lots of wonderful, single women in Texas and AZ. Perhaps your RV park was geographically undesirable. Once you are encamped in those areas, you still need to get off the couch, and out of the motor coach, and seek outside activities where others will be. Just hanging around the RV park won’t be enough.

Belinda, “OMG. HOW DEPRESSING.”

My reply: “I didn’t intend for the column to be depressing; I felt it substantiated what I’ve been saying for years–the ratios make it more difficult for women.

“And yet, it’s not impossible to find a mate later in life. I published a hardcover book titled, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, a few years back that featured 58 couples who had found love.

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/how-50-couples-found-love-after-50

Many of those couples are still Champs and remain together. Meeting a mate later in life takes effort, and some luck. But, it can and does happen.

@@@

Champ Jim, a humor columnist (RaisingDad column) for the Desert Exposure Magazine in New Mexico (www.desertexposure.com), responded to the May 9 eNewsletter, about the woman who complained about her partner who spends time in the backyard, ostensibly flirting with neighbor women.

Jim wrote, “I wasn’t planning on responding, but since the response to that lady’s complaints seems to be 100% against her partner, I thought I’d give an opposing perspective.

“First, two stories:

(1) “I have a cousin who went on a group trip to Italy with his wife. During the trip, whenever he would recommend that they do something, his wife would defer. She preferred staying at the hotel and enjoying the amenities.

“My cousin was disappointed, but what could he do? He went off to enjoy the sights alone. When they returned from the trip, within the year, he and his wife had divorced, and he was involved with another lady he had met on the trip.

(2) “My mother could talk to anyone. My father, not so much. Whenever they would go anywhere, my mother would end up talking to whomever happened to be within hearing distance. My father, on the other hand, would be sidelined by his own choice, fuming. Who was at fault? My friendly mother or my unsocial father?

“Like you, I don’t know that lady’s situation, but I do know there are two sides to every story. Other than (he) being, in her opinion, overly friendly, her partner doesn’t seem to be committing any great sin.

“Maybe she can quibble about how the household chores have shaken out, but, really, what has this guy done? Is he a drunk? A freeloader? A womanizer? Does he beat her? Berate her? Disappear for great lengths of time with no explanations upon his return?

“Apparently, no. His sin is that he likes to work on his yard and flirt with his neighbors. Is that so bad?

“Like my cousin’s ex-wife, maybe if she had joined him in the activities he enjoyed, she wouldn’t have felt quite so ignored. Same for my father.”Ramping up for the Wednesday night Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, CA.

Susie, Fairfax, Va., emailed on Tuesday, prior to the event, “Why don’t they have more meet and greets for older, young-at-heart people over 70?”

Tom’s response to Susie: “My question is: Who are the they you refer to? The government? Restaurants? Senior Centers?

“My experience, as a former restaurant owner, is: Meet and Greets take time to plan, and then it’s hard to predict who will show up. If, not enough men attend, women complain.

“Plus, for restaurants, seniors don’t spend much money so there is little financial incentive for restaurants to sponsor events like that. The restaurants prepare food that might go to waste if the turnout is poor. Then, they have extra staff members on hand and that costs money.

“The event Greta and I helped with took hours of prep work by the deli staff and new owners, including purchasing extra wine and beer, promoting the event, and contacting people. I hoped for at least 50 attendees.

The Champs who sent RSVPs were all women, not one of our male Champs said they would attend; so, I hoped this wouldn’t be a disappointing event. I understand that people have other obligations and can’t always attend.

One woman wrote: “After 17 years of being single after two divorces, I’ve seen what’s out there. It ain’t pretty.”

I responded: “Who knows? Maybe a few good men will attend the Meet and Greet in Dana Point on Wednesday from 5 to 7. You live just down the road from Dana Point, 10 to 15 minutes away. Might you join us at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, DP 92629?

She said, “I don’t have a car, so no.”

What? I thought, but didn’t say to her: “Have you heard of Lyft or Uber?”

Her comment made me think about an article, that Kip, a buddy who kayaks at Dana Point Harbor, told me about, that appeared in the May 14, 2019, Los Angeles Times online newspaper. It was titled, “For lonely men in Spanish towns, the ‘caravan of women’ brings hope of love,” written by Meg Bernhard.

I accessed the article online out of curiosity because of our “Where are the men?” article. I ended up reading it because of how well written it was—a fascinating article.

It’s too long to get into it in this eNewsletter, other than to say, it talks about 50 single older women who live in Madrid, Spain. They each paid $23 to take a charter bus to Calzadilla De La Cueza Spain, a tiny town (24 permanent residents), four hours away, in hopes of meeting the single men there. They were in the tiny town in a bar for about eight hours.

The return bus headed back to Madrid at 4 a.m., arriving at 8. Women in this country who think they have a hard time meeting men, should read this story. Again, it is incredible journalism.

Bottom line: It’s hard to meet older single men anywhere in the world. Not just in the USA. Link to that story:

https://www.latimes.com/world/la-fg-col1-spain-women-caravan-20190514-htmlstory.html

And finally, Champ Sue said, “I live near Chicago and don’t know how to find the boys! I just keep hoping. Have a beautiful day.”

Part 2 – Meet and Greet recap from Wednesday night

We hadn’t had a Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point CA in four years. So, I didn’t know what to expect.

Early crowd at the deli

People started arriving before 5 p.m. By 5:15, there were 50 people there. By 5:30, nearly 100. They kept coming into the deli. Greta was filling in name tags as fast as she could write. Jackie Hammond and her sister Judy Frank arrived.

Greta, Jackie, Tom, and Jackie’s sister Judy (Jackie graciously shared many of the photos taken with her camera that are shown here today)

About 15 of our Champs attended. Stella took a bus from Newport Beach, just as she did five years ago. Marinell came early and introduced herself. Then Mary Ann joined the party.

Greta and Tom with Mary Ann (photo courtesy of Mary Ann)

Champ Susie was there and seemed thrilled with the group. Mirtha came with friends. Dee, who had been to many Meet and Greets, arrived with her daughter Julie, and Julie’ significant other, Vince.

And yes there were men, I count five in this picture

Guys there: included Ken, Jim, Cluny, Vince, Cliffy, Bob and Mike—seven guy pals of mine.

Yes, there were more single women than men, but men did show. At one point, I counted 20 men interspersed with the women. It was a great way to introduce the new deli owners, Samantha and Elena, who hugged more people in one night than most of us hug in a year.

One table of women had an international flare—they were from Mexico, France, Bulgaria, and Iran.

Greta’s family and friends were there in droves—sisters DeDe and Jeanne, and her son, Tony, who was the volunteer bartender, just as he’d been five years before, and her daughter Terri. Her long-time friend Lula. Several members of Greta’s Dippy Dolphins Water Aerobics class attended.

Tom with 2 owners–Elena and Samantha– behind him on the right side

One of the first couples who met at our first Meet and Greet six years ago—Fred and Joanne—were there with friends. And another couple, Jack and Joanne (not the same Joanne) who say they met because of my articles that encouraged them to keep trying years ago were all smiles.

Tony the bartender (Greta’s son). He looks busy because–he was

What more can I say? Great night. When addressing the group, I asked the people, when for the June Meet and Greet? Oh my Gosh. Not on Tuesdays, that’s Taco Tuesdays. Wednesdays? No, that’s country dancing night at
Stillwater Restaurant and some people go to church on that night. Third Thursday? Nope, that’s the Chamber of Commerce mixer night.

At home, Greta and I flipped a coin. It was heads: the next event will be Thursday, June 27, 5 to 7 p.m. My guess is, Tutor and Spunky’s is going to be packed on that night. Stay tuned.

Where the single senior men are

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2019 – Where the single senior men are
by Columnist Tom Blake

In 1961, Connie Francis had a popular song called, “Where the Boys Are,” which was the song track for a movie of the same name. In the song, she sang, “…Where the boys are, my true love will be. He’s walkin’ down some street in town and I know he’s lookin’ there for me…”

Connie Francis “Where The Boys Are” Album Cover

Thirty-three years later, in 1994, my first column was published, inspired by a surprise divorce. By then, those boys Connie sang about were men, and women started asking me “Where are the single senior men?” And there were times back then when I wondered where the women near my age were.

As readers have aged along with me during the ensuring quarter century, “Where are the men?” remains the most frequently asked question I hear. If anything, I hear it more often now and there’s a reason for that. The ratio of single women to single men keeps getting larger.

Where are the men? She’s looked everywhere (including under a pile of rocks)

For years, I’ve written and stated that the ratio was in the neighborhood of two-to-three to one.

When I saw this week that the Census Bureau recently published some new statistics on the 65-and-older population, I decided to see if I could get an accurate updated ratio of single women to single men.

The study was conducted in 2016 with a sample size of 3.5 million households across the USA and Puerto Rico. Every county in the nation was included. The numbers listed were estimates based on the sample size.

I analyzed the 25-page report to see if it provided information that would be of interest or helpful to our Champs.

First off, there were 49.2 million people in 2016, age 65 and older.

Women outnumbered men, 27.4 million to 21.8 million. The survey broke down the information into three age groups: 65 to 74; 75 to 84; and, 85 and older.

In the 85 and older group, there were just 6.3 million people, which included 2.2 million men, about a million of whom were single.

The survey revealed that widows outnumbered widowers by three to one, although in the 85 and older category, the ratio is two to one. It’s hard for a widow to find a widower to date at that older age.

Let’s look at the number of non-married senior women and men in the USA in each age category and the ratio of women to men.

65 to 74 – 6.8 million non-married women, 3.8 million men = ratio 1.8 to one

75 to 84 – 4.9 million non-married women, 1.8 million men = ratio 2.7 to one

85 & up – 3.5 million non-married women, 1.0 million men = ratio 3.5 to one

Those ratios don’t seem as bad as I thought. However, when you consider that many of those men included are in a relationship, or don’t want to be in a relationship, or never married, or aren’t “relationship material,” as some women point out, the realistic ratios are much larger. So, how many eligible guys are left? It’s Slim Pickins! And, the older people get, the slimmer the pickins’ become.

By age 85, 72 percent of the women were widowed.

So, when women say to me, “What’s wrong with me? I can’t meet a nice man.” The answer simply is, “There is nothing wrong with you, numbers don’t lie. There just aren’t that many older men available.

Other tidbits from the study

1 Labor Force – For 65 and older, 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women were in the labor force. Trends showed the number of people 65+ in the workforce is increasing, especially in the 65 to 74 age category. For 85 and older, 3.7 percent of men and 1.5 percent of the women are still working.

Women worked more in the service and sales and office sectors. Men worked more in production, transportation, construction and maintenance sectors.

2 Caregiving – The study revealed a surprising number of older grandparents (27 percent for people in age 65-74 category) who provided care for their co-resident grandchildren. This can also affect the dating situation. Many caregivers don’t have time to date and possible mates might be reluctant to get involved.

3 Disabilities – can affect dating. The study states, “The proportion of the older population with some disability increased with age.” Heck, we all know that.

Forty-eight percent of people 85 and above have serious difficulty walking or climbing stairs, so single level residences become more important to them.

4 Income – The study stated, “The most common type of household income received in the past 12 months (2016) among the 65 and older population was Social Security (90 percent).

So, it’s not just stats, ratios and numbers that reveal why dating as we age is tough. Other factors described above figured in. But, let us not forget that there still are many, many couples who meet and become committed after age 50 and 60.

Keep in mind that these stats and numbers were estimates from the 2016 survey, but, as they say, they are close enough for government work.

Too bad, 58 years after Connie Francis sang “Where the Boys Are,” we can’t get her to sing a new song: “Where the Men Are.” She is 80 years old; her song would be an inspiration to many of our Champs.

Link to Where The Boys Are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41_jI3vsuyE

A reminder : there will be a Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, this coming Wednesday, May 22 from 5 to 7 p.m. Greta and I will be there to say hello. Complimentary appetizers and $3 wine and beer. Telephone 949 248-9008.

Stuck in a senior relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 9, 2019 – Is this woman stuck in a senior relationship with an unappreciative man?

by Tom Blake Columnist

There are two parts to this week’s e-Newsletter

Part One – A week ago, one of the Finding Love After 50 Facebook group members posted her frustration with her relationship on Facebook, which meant any of the 519 members could read it and comment.

The Finding Love After 50 Facebook group is a “closed” group, meaning I must approve of anyone who wants to join. I screen applicants thoroughly to protect our members from people with evil intentions or people who reveal nothing about themselves.

The woman member posted this message, saying she just needed to vent:

“Will I ever find love with a nice guy? A guy who cares about me as much as he does by impressing other women.

“I’ve been with a man for a while, who every time he goes outside to ‘work in the yard,’ ends up instead chatting for super long periods of time with the single female neighbors. He never cleans inside the house. That’s not his job, you see.”

She added a few more details about his chatting up neighborhood women. I condensed her comments for the sake of brevity.

Several group members responded. Here are a few snippets of what was said:

Lisa, “Don’t waste any more time with him. Time to move on…”

Michelle, “Stop wasting time on this loser and work on your self-respect.”

David, “…I do not know what the arrangements are for mortgage, rental monthly payments but this man is what I would call ‘slippery Slime’…I would not trust him…I would bid him goodbye…”

Robbie, “He feels he is more superior than you…the word is impertinent. You need to get some Cajones and MOVE ON.”

Brenda, “Typical loser.”

Carol, “…I was married to someone like that. Time to hit the road…We always think they will get better, but they seldom do. We are wasting precious time and energy.”

David (again), “…You are wasting your time on this child…time for you to make a change in your life ASAP…”

John, “Agree with David. No one deserves to live with such a person…”

Jeanie, “Loser is not worth your time…”

Tom’s thoughts on this woman’s situation

I don’t get too involved in the Finding Love after 50 Facebook group. I prefer to let the members interact and comment back and forth with each other. If I see a post that I think is not pertinent to the group, or a blatant promotion, I delete it. I also delete posts when a group member posts incessantly (when someone does that, he or she needs their own personal Facebook page).

But, in this situation, I felt I didn’t know enough about the living arrangement, relationship details, and understanding between the woman and the man. “I’ve been with this guy for a while,” didn’t tell us for how long.

So, I posted, “What is the living arrangement with this man? Is it your home, his home, or a shared rental property? Who pays for what? I ask, wondering if you are stuck in a senior relationship situation and moving on would be financially a burden or not even possible. That doesn’t make his behavior acceptable. What are your options?”

And then the plot thickened

She posted, “We both own the home, but I am currently out of work and have some disabilities that have made it difficult. However, I am looking for a full-time job. I have no income; therefore, I am reliant on him. It’s not acceptable. I’m working on moving on.”

I posted, “What happens if one wants to sell and one doesn’t?”

She posted, “I have broached that subject several times. We are at a stalemate. My feeling is, I would move out and he would buy me out. You can’t buy a house in our town for less than $500,000. And he is older. I love our house. Just not living with him this way.”

Bottom line: I don’t know enough about this situation to truly understand what is going on. Maybe she will post more information that might clarify things. I think she is aimed in the right direction by going back to work, but, if she’s been with this guy for 11 years (as I think she has, having found an email from her from then), and there have been problems all along, I don’t see her able to bail out anytime soon.

And we don’t know about him, other than what she reported. He may be a really decent guy–perhaps feeling he’s stuck in a senior relationship. Who knows?

Let’s hope she gets a full-time job and can sell her portion of the home to him. Then, maybe she can move on. But, now, she’s 59. It’s tougher at that age to start over. Let’s hope she keeps us informed and God bless her and good luck.

Message for younger people from Tom

Most of our Champs are in their 50s-80s. A few readers are in their 40s. There is a message in today’s article that might be worth sharing with the younger generation—the children or grand children of Champs.

The lesson to share with younger people: Particularly for women, starting as early as their 30s and 40s, they’ve got to take steps to set themselves up financially, to position themselves for the later years. That becomes very difficult for stay-at-home moms who rely on a spouse’s or a mate’s income.

Waiting until you’re 50 or 60 to start getting your later-years finances in order may be too late.

Questions to ask the kids might include, “Do you have enough hours of working to qualify for Social Security?” If not, get to work. This is critical for the later years, when getting a job may not be easy.

And how about being covered by health insurance? Especially if children are part of the mix.

Don’t get stuck, as I assume the woman in today’s story is, from what she told us about her not earning an income. I’m guessing she has no leverage with this man and perhaps he feels he can do what he wants.

I hope for her that things will improve, that the guy will change. In a way, he is helping her (she has a roof over her head), but he sounds self-absorbed.

If younger people think that starting to build financial security in one’s 40s is difficult, it only gets harder once age 50 and beyond is reached.

Part 2 – Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point CA May 22

A reminder to Champs who live in Southern California. On Wednesday, May 22, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., the new, enthusiastic owners of Tutor And Spunky’s are going to resurrect the Senior Singles Meet and Greets that were so popular five – seven years ago. Greta and I are honored that new owners Samantha and Elena have asked us to host the event.

Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s a few years back

However, this event isn’t going to be for single seniors only. We’d like all Champs…single, married or in relationships…whatever… to join us.

There is no charge. Appetizers will be served, and beer and wine will be only three bucks a pop.

It will be fun to put faces with names. We’ll take photos for the e-Newsletter. Email me if you think you might attend.

Tutor and Spunky’s Deli is located at 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, 92629. Telephone: 949 248-9008.

Like A Rock

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 3, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

There are two parts to today’s e-Newsletter

Part 1 – Like A Rock

This past Saturday evening, while sitting at our desks in the downstairs office at home, Greta (my life partner)…out of the blue…said to me, “Do you realize we’ve been together for 20 years?” Her comment hit me like a rock.

Of course, I knew we’d been together for 20 years, but when she said it out loud, at that moment, it got me thinking about those 20 years and how fortunate we were to have met each other when we did.

And whenever I hear the words “20 years,” I always think of the great Bob Seger song, “Like A Rock,” because of a verse in the song that begins with the words, “Twenty years now, where’d they go.”

I imagine nearly all Champs recognize, “Like A Rock.” For years, it was the background music for the Chevy truck commercials.

And if you grew up in Michigan, as I did, you for sure knew who Bob Seger was. He was born in Lincoln Park, a Detroit suburb, and attended Ann Arbor High School. He was close to our age (he’ll be 74, Monday, May 6) so he represented our generation.

Greta continued talking, as if in a stream of consciousness, her thoughts just kept rolling along:

She said, “When I met you, I was 57, you were 59. I’d just gone through a tough divorce five years before. Didn’t want to date although I’d had a few dates. Walked in the neighborhood or on the beach alone…Mostly worked, teaching special needs children, plus four nights per week, home-taught severe special needs children…felt like I was doing something important. It took all my time. Thought my dating life was over. How wrong I was.”

She paused, smiled and then continued, “I never dreamed when I went into Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, on June 24, 1998, and ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice, that my life was about to change. You walked around the counter and said, ‘Would you like to have dinner with me?’ Wow, what an incredible 20 years it’s been.”

I interjected, saying, “The key to our happiness…in my opinion…is our thoughtfulness toward each other. We’ve shared homes, travel…lots of it…and families. As of two weeks ago, you were blessed with a fourth great grandchild. We’ve shared each other’s retirements. We’ve shared sad times, losing friends and family members. And now, we’re sharing growing old together. How blessed we’ve been.”

At that point, I went to You Tube on my computer, pulled up Like A Rock, and turned the volume high. We toasted to it, with a glass of our favorite Chardonnay, Kendall Jackson Grand Reserve, the same wine we both ordered on our first date June 27, 1998, at the Claim Jumper restaurant on La Paz in Laguna Niguel (California).

Here are the words to that 20-years verse from Like A Rock:

“Twenty years now, where’d they go. Twenty years, I don’t know.
Sit and wonder sometimes, where they’ve gone
And sometimes late at night
When I’m bathed in the firelight
The moon comes callin’ a ghostly white
And I recall
I recall
Like a rock, standin’ arrow straight
Like a rock, chargin’ from the gate
Like a rock, carryin’ the weight
Like a rock
Like a rock
The sun upon my skin
Like a rock
Hard against the wind
Like a rock
I see myself again
Like a rock
Oh, like a rock!”

(Link to “Like A Rock” at end of today’s article)

At the end of the song, I looked at the office shelves that hold photos of many of our 20-year memories together. I pointed to a picture of Greta that I had taken at an AARP convention in 2010, and said, “That photo is my favorite picture of you.”

The photo shows Greta and Maya Angelo, seconds after Greta had given her a copy of “How 50 Couples Found Love after 50,” a book I had just published, that Maya is holding in her hands.

Maya Angelo smiling at Greta while holding “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” Greta was thrilled, as you can tell by the grin on her face

Then I said to Greta, “I wonder if our Champs feel the same way about their last 20 years? I imagine, some do, some don’t.”

As a coincidence, Champ Chris emailed three days later, “I am now 85; Tina and I have been together for 15 years. It’s amazing how fast time flies.”

Regardless of how we feel about our last 15 or 20 years, we must make the best of our remaining years. We’ve got to keep moving, we’ve got to stay active, we’ve got to interact with our friends and family, regardless of what fate deals us.

We’ve got to be: like a rock.

Part 2 – So Cal Senior singles gathering – May 22

Just a heads up to Champs who live in southern California. On Wednesday, May 22, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m., the new, enthusiastic owners of Tutor And Spunky’s are going to resurrect the Senior Singles Meet and Greets that were so popular five – seven years ago. Greta and I are honored that Samantha and Elena have asked us to host the event.

Tom, new owner Samantha, 19-year employee Debbie Pachyn, and new owner Elena at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli April 22, 2019

However, this event isn’t going to be for single seniors only. We’d like all Champs…single, married or in relationships…whatever… to join us.

There is no charge. Appetizers will be served, and beer and wine will be only three bucks a pop.

It will be fun to put faces with names. We’ll take photos for the e-Newsletter. Email me if you think you might attend.

Tutor and Spunky’s is located at 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, 92629. Telephone: 949 248-9008.

###

Link to Bob Seger singing “Like A Rock (I suggest click on full screen; turn volume up):”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9b4cW9sx47A

Three-dot journalism

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 26, 2019 – Three-dot journalism – Spraying to all fields

by Tom P Blake – Orange County, California, columnist

Today’s e-Newsletter reminds me of former San Francisco Chronicle columnist Herb Caen. He was a San Francisco icon, who wrote columns for 60 years. His was the longest-running column in the United States. He wrote between five and seven columns per week, totaling–in the neighborhood of–16,000 columns. He often referred to his columns as “three-dot journalism.”

I admired his “three-dot journalism,” (as he defined it), style of writing. His comments were often not complete sentences, but crisp, clear and interesting. He was a gossip columnist. If he mentioned you by name, you’d be famous in maybe a good way, or a not-so-good way.

His mention about people patronizing San Francisco’s Victoria Station restaurant, the restaurant chain for which I worked eight years, virtually launched Victoria Station into becoming the fastest-growing chain in the United States for a period of time in the 1970s.

On occasion, Caen would describe a column as “Spraying to all fields,” which referred to hitters in baseball who would hit to all fields, meaning his column that day was all over the place, covering a plethora of topics or comments, often not related to each other, with three dots…between items.

1994 photo of Herb Caen with one of his famed “Loyal Royal” typewriters, upon which he typed 16,000 columns
(photo courtesy of Nancy Wong)

At the end of today’s e-Newsletter, there is a link to Wikipedia’s description of Herb Caen.Today’s column reminds me of one of Caen’s “Spraying to all fields” columns; it covers five different items. It’s dedicated to Herb Caen.

1 Helpful online dating tips from two Champs

Champ A – Cheryl, “I want to add one note about Meetup.com groups. They are not always free. Some are held in facilities that require rent, some serve food, etc., and those places ask for a contribution, although it’s usually minimal.”

(And a reminder from Tom: Meetup.com is not a dating site, but a great place to meet and make new friends. And then, who knows where those new friendships might lead?)

Cheryl added, “Another tip about long-distance relationships: People should maximize the time it takes to know someone by communication through face-time, and telephone a LOT, between in-person visits.

Champ B – Chris, “I have been reading the letters from your Champs, about the problems and questions they have when meeting someone, a distance away. As I read the questions, I kept thinking: Why don’t they just Skype the other person?

“Then, you can better see what and who you are dealing with. I know over my long life (Chris is 84), I more than once have fallen in love with a voice, only to be disappointed because the voice didn’t match my vision of this person.

“I’m wondering, could it be that some of our Champs don’t know about Skype?

First, let me tell them, IT IS FREE! Yes, FREE (after some possible, minimal, set up costs mentioned below).

“Tina (my partner of 14 years and now my wife) and I have been using Skype for over 10 years. When she is in England, and I am in the states, we Skype every day. I call her at 12:30 p.m., my time, and she is sitting waiting for my call at 8:30 p.m. her time. We can see each other and talk for hours. It is almost as good as being there, except we can’t touch.

“This would be the answer for your Champs who are talking to someone on the phone, but still are doubtful about what to do and how to handle the situation.

Setting Skype up on a computer is easy, and it only costs about $25 for the camera and the wires. (Most new computers already have built in cameras). After that it is free. I have it on my computer, and, Tina has it set up on her Ipad. My daughter has it on her cell phone; she and I talk that way when I am in England.

So, my advice–to the lonely widow who has met Mr. Wonderful on line, or, that lonely old guy who is sure he has met the love of his life–is: after you’ve spent time talking on the phone, or emailing, and you are thinking about travelling a good distance to meet them, or sending them money for a plane ticket, start Skyping them first.

“You will learn a lot about the person you are in touch with, when you see them while you talk. You could be pleasantly surprised or you could save yourself from a major disappointment.”

2 Popular dating site warning

From a male Champ who requested to remain anonymous: “After reading last week’s e-Newsletter (about senior online dating sites), I simply felt responsible to relate what I and several friends have encountered on a certain senior dating site, upon which my membership has been long-since cancelled.

“This website has the most hackers and scammers of all of the dating sites. When I was on the site, a hacker took over my profile, presented himself as me…messaging women, asking for their direct emails, then going after them for money…so many grisly tales of attempted scams…

“Many of the women and men on the site are not the actual person whose picture is posted on the profile.

“My computer guru installed a new super security program on my personal computer due to the scammer hacking my personal computer.

“The site is a dangerous dating site Tom ….

“A caution is simply to never provide your direct email. If, and when, you are persuaded this person is real, you can talk on the phone. Unfortunately, often the person barely speaks English. Plus, a red balloon is when there are misspelled words in their messages and/or incorrect sentence structure.”

While our anonymous Champ was referring to a specific senior dating site–he requested not to mention it by name, even though we’ve identified it previously–what happened to him on it could happen on any dating site. For gosh sake, please be careful when online dating, regardless of which site you use.

3 Why wait so long to meet in person?

A couple of weeks ago, we wrote about a widower who was planning to meet a widow face-to-face who lived 845 miles away. Many of you suggested he meet someone closer to where he lives.

About the same time, I heard from a widow in New York state who lives a little over an hour away from him, and, I suggested to her that she contact him. She did. Now, they talk on the phone and plan to meet face-to-face in late June.

My question: why wait so long? That’s two months away. At the least, do what either Chris or Cheryl suggested above. See each other via Skype or face time on the phone. That might save disappointment before they meet in person.

However, I guess there is no rush to meet in person, IF, just being in contact with the other person eliminates the loneliness they both feel. Then, maybe it doesn’t matter to either what the other one looks like, or how they present themselves, or that the other person may not even be who he or she claims to be.

4 Next week’s e-Newsletter

I am planning to write about whether it’s important or not for senior singles to have a written list of the qualities they seek in a mate.

Plus, perhaps, some daters may even have a separate written list of the habits or characteristics in a person that would be deal-breakers. Smoking, for example.

If any of you want to share your list(s) or your thoughts about having a list, I’d love to hear from you.

5 Herb Caen and three-dot journalism information…

Link to Wikipedia’s page about Herb Caen…

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herb_Caen

One more item about Herb. While I was married to a woman named Debbe, she became Herb Caen’s secretary. That was pretty heady stuff. People would say, “Your wife is Herb Caen’s secretary? Wow…”

As I recall, it wasn’t always a dream job. He was pretty demanding…

…Here’s to you, Herb. We are toasting an Irish Coffee to you at the world-famous Buena Vista Café in San Francisco, where the Powell /Hyde Cable car turns around, and the view from there of Alcatraz, and where it’s rumored that you had more than one or two of those Irish Coffees…