Uncategorized – On Life and Love after 50

Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

2 Senior Women With Different Retirement Outlooks

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

NL May 23, 2025

Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life

Helen

Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.

“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.

“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.

“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.

“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”

Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.

Maria

Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.

I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.

Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.

She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.

Responses to senior first-date jitters

Tom Blake Columnist

May 16, 2025

Responses to senior first-date jitters

14 Champ Responses to Bill’s first-date jitters

Last week, we shared widower Bill’s jitters about a first date he had with Jackie, a woman he met online. Here are 14 responses I selected, plus my comments at the end.

George, “I’m a little surprised that Bill didn’t mention what kind of full-time work Jackie does. It’s 1/3 of her daily life – it includes successes and other accomplishments, challenges and stresses. Does she have any kids and/or grandchildren? What is her family life like? Whom does she associate with and what do those people do?

“Her responses would have helped bring her out and see what the two of them have in common. Bill is a widower – does he have any kids? Do their kids have something in common?”

Kaitte, “I totally agree with Bill. Everything Jackie did sends red flags to me. This guy is a real gentleman. Send him my way to Colorado. LOL. It’s a long way away.”

Victoria, “I’d say she paid whether he knew it or not. What a waste of her time!”

S (a woman), “Jackie’s not interested. I wouldn’t exactly fall all over in gratitude for a sandwich and drink either. He sees himself spending money and it’s not going anywhere. What exactly does that mean? Where other than forward does he want to go? It’s called courting, Bill.”

Carolyn, “Oh, Oh! I don’t think Jackie is interested In seeing Bill again. He sounds like a nice guy to know and hike with. It is possible because she is still working so she doesn’t find him compatible.

“I’m happy that Bill spoke to you first about that upcoming date. You gave him excellent advice. Please let him know that he did everything right. This was just not a good connection for Jackie.

“However, I always say, ‘Keep hope alive!’ Tell him to continue to seek a woman who is interested in him. He’s a good guy to know.”

Pat, “Bill did nothing wrong and is a gentleman. Her response was lukewarm, and he should draw the line there and accept no more of that treatment. He should send a brief text thanking her for her company, since he said he would, and leave it at that. She’s a grownup and can initiate if she wants to. He doesn’t need to bend over backwards because he’s busy looking for a woman who is willing.

“She didn’t ask questions because she was dealing with what was in front of her. Maybe she wanted someone who exhibited signs of wealth so she could stop working.

“Maybe she wanted someone 60 because she believes that she looks 60 and maybe she does. None of that is Bill’s problem and he shouldn’t take it personally. He should keep looking and expect it will take effort. Lots of ladies reading this wish they could walk on the beach with him. He sounds like a keeper.

“As to ‘Who Pays for the senior date?” it’s not about what’s fair, counting pennies, women’s lib, what he expects in return, yada yada. Here’s the truth: That is how he SHOWS how he FEELS about her, and if he wants to see her again. And it only needs to be a small appropriate amount. If he doesn’t pay a small tab she will think he didn’t really like her. Enjoying a drink together is a nice gesture and it gives you something to do with your hands!”

Virginia, “Wow, I always enjoy reading your articles. Being a senior but very active and fit, I too am looking for a partner. Not wanting to get married again, but I would love to hang out, cook, and dance. Listen to music and go on hikes together.

“I must tell you the story about the gentleman that I went out with over Christmas time we went out a couple of times, and then I invited him over for dinner.

“He seemed to enjoy the dinner and afterwards I was clearing the table, and he disappeared, I went into the living room, and he had fallen asleep on my sofa! Wow, I was shocked. Maybe I wasn’t a very good conversationalist. Who knows? When he woke up, he said. “Oh gosh, I fell asleep,” and, I said, “Oh gosh, maybe it’s time for you to leave.”

Gloria, “That first date does not sound too encouraging. Jackie steered away from any plans and that may say a lot. On the other hand, she might be shy and afraid to show too much interest; we don’t know about her past experiences.

“Bill is unsure what to do, which is understandable because he got little feedback. That is discouraging. I think the only thing to do is ask her for another date. Texting Jackie might be the safest way.

“If Jackie responds with a no thank you then Bill knows and can let it go.

But maybe she says yes, and they can proceed from there. Good luck Bill, keep your fingers crossed.”

Jeanne, “Jackie definitely was not interested. I could feel her vibes. I usually let the man know by thanking him and wishing him luck in his search. I let him know that I enjoyed him but didn’t feel we were a match. A kind let down is better than leaving him guessing. Many of my dating friends felt that was the wrong way to do it and I always felt it was right for me. I guess I’m not a people pleaser!”

Marie, “Bill, Jackie doesn’t seem to want to pursue a friendship with you. Trying to win her would require a lot of time and energy spent on your part with no result. You seem to be a nice gentleman. You will find your person soon.”

Belinda, “Wow. What Bill wrote, ‘I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere’, really tells all. He’s more concerned with his wallet than he is with her! A breakfast sandwich and a beverage has him concerned? And the next date ideas were a walk or a hike…

“As a 64-year-old attractive eligible woman of some means, the way he acted on this date screams CHEAP to me. I would’ve been turned off, too.
These men need to understand that especially in the early phases of dating, they can’t act overly concerned about their budget on a date. IT’S A TOTAL TURNOFF to a woman.

“We want to feel valued and respected and even put on a little bit of a pedestal early on, especially if we are just getting to know you. What we DON’T WANT is some guy giving us vibes that maybe the potential connection isn’t worth a breakfast sandwich with a beverage, or some ‘dinners that go nowhere.’

“I would’ve been cold, too. Sorry, but this guy needs to improve his mindset, so this cheap attitude doesn’t bleed through on dates.”

Gail, “Jackie is not interested in any future dates with Bill.”

Laurie, “I’m flabbergasted. That gentleman was trying to be nice, I get it. Good, he’s trying.

“But the wishy-washy waffling, ‘Ghost her then text?’ What kind of crap is that?

“She hasn’t made up her mind yet! Give her time to digest the date. She’s got a lot going on, and this is supposed to be pleasant for both people. This guy sounds high maintenance to me.”

Christine, Relationship expert, “Dating is so hard for both sides. Sadly, no one knows what to do. Even though most people seem to think ‘They should just know how to date and feel stupid that they don’t.’

“Everyone wants the other person to ‘go first.’ Say they want to do something again. Say they liked them or (even) didn’t like them.

“So, my advice to everyone is to say the truth nicely.

“If you enjoyed the conversation and would like to do it again, please say that. Yes, this can be scary because they might not feel the same way. And you’ll never know if you don’t say. And it will give you practice confirming what you want to do next and saying it out loud.

“If you didn’t enjoy your time with them then say it’s been nice meeting you and I’m not interested in going out again. I will usually say why I think I’m not a match for them because that is certainly part of the reason for my no-thank you to another meeting. Or something like I’m not as religious as you. I’m not interested in the things that are important to you. I wouldn’t participate in the things you spend a lot of time doing.”

Tom’s comments: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, the title of John Gray’s book, certainly applies to these responses. Please remember, Bill only made the comments and shared his thoughts with me, not with Jackie. He paid the tab and didn’t mention it to Jackie.

Give Bill a break. He agreed to share his personal thoughts and obviously his comments struck a chord. He later emailed me again saying, “I will wait and see if she contacts me. That could be a big clue. Probably nothing will go forward with Jackie. That’s ok.’

And then he wrote again. “I texted Jackie a thank you and a Happy Mother’s Day. She did not respond.”

This story reveals why online dating is difficult for seniors. If it works, great and if it doesn’t? Oh well, move on!”

The responses to last week’s article made me think of the song by Bill Haley and The Comets (1954) titled, “Thirteen Women (and Only One Man in Town).” Why? Today, 13 women are featured and only one man.

See link to that Bill Haley song below.

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=bill+haley+and+his+comets+thirteen+women+(and+only+one+man+in+town)&&mid=4A5C77E7FCCDE0DE7C444A5C77E7FCCDE0DE7C44&FORM=VAMGZC

Ask the Therapist – Volume One

Was Francine too blunt about sex?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week?
March 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.

One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”

When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.

To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.

Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!

“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.

“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’

“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.

“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”

Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”

Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.

“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.

Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”

Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).

“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.

“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with.  “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.

“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?

“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.

“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.

“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”

(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)

Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)

Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.

“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”

Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”

Francine shoots from the hip regarding senior sex

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Valentines 2025

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

January 15, 2025

By Columnist Tom Blake

Patricia and Cowboy of Cut Bank, Montana

In November 2007, when my eNewsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50”, I received an email from a woman who lived in San Luis Obispo, California. She wrote, “I have been on Match.com off and on for several years, but I am not attracting the type of person I want. Twenty-five percent of the responses are from bikers so I must have something in my profile that attracts them.”

I included both her quote and my response to her in the eNewsletter. I said: “You are likely attracting bikers because they like to visit San Luis Obispo and would have someone to party with while ‘in town.’ For some reason, I picture those two buffoons in the movie Sideways, which was filmed near San Luis Obispo.

Another subscriber, Patricia, took issue with my words. She wrote, “I live in Paso Robles where they filmed much of the movie Sideways. Many ‘bikers’ live and work in the area and aren’t just passing through to party with someone.

“Two years ago, when I was 52, I read a profile on Match of a man, 53, whose road name is Cowboy that said, ‘Don’t let the biker thing scare you off. We are not a bad group; you might want to meet me before you make a judgment. A lot of us are real nice men.’

As a quirk of fate, Patricia met Cowboy, but it wasn’t online. She met him through friends when Cowboy was operating a backhoe in the friend’s yard. Their story was so unusual and inspiring, I included it the How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book I published in 2009.

Last week, 17 years later, Champ Patricia emailed “My husband Cowboy is amazing. Cowboy just had a total knee replacement on September 23rd, and he has been mobile and active for a couple of weeks.

“Everyone in Cut Bank (Montana), where we live now, knows what a big heart Cowboy has and people don’t hesitate to call him for help. Recently, he picked up an elderly man friend and carried him to his house because the man was too weak to get there by himself.

“Well, he just left the house to clear the snow off a couple’s driveway. The skid steer wouldn’t start, so he’s doing it by hand with a shovel! The couple needs to get his wife to physical therapy because she just had a knee replacement, and they can’t get their car out.

“How ironic is that? So off Cowboy went to help, with his knee already complaining about the 106 mile, 1 ½ hour drive each way, to Great Falls and back yesterday!

“I’m praying that Cowboy doesn’t do any harm to his knee. He’s getting the other knee replaced in just over a week, so he especially needs this knee to keep healing!

“I have intercepted a couple of calls to him and suggested they ask the local high school football team to help instead of my husband when they just need brute strength. Cowboy’s 72, and I don’t want him to injure his back or something else because he has too big of a heart to say no.”

I responded to Patricia and she wrote back, “It’s been 19 years since Cowboy and I met on October 13, 2005. Time sure flies, and the older we get, the faster it goes! I had a recent fall in October similar to your significant other Debbie’s recent fall, slamming the side of my head on the hardwood floor at home. I had a lovely black eye for two weeks. We knew to go to the ER for a CT scan, and, fortunately, I checked out okay.

“One advantage of a small town is that the hospital is only five minutes away, and I was the only patient in the ER! Much different from Mission Hospital where Debbie went. I’ve been there a couple of times, back when I lived in Dana Point. It’s a madhouse! I hope this finds you both happy and Debbie well on the road to recovery.”

Tom’s comment

I wrote about Patricia and Cowboy in 2009. Their story, Love On The Back Of A Harley is Chapter 12 in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” A lessons learned printed from Patricia’s and Cowboy’s story reads “While searching for a mate later in life, expand your horizons, reach and thinking. Two of the stories in this book are about women who met men who ride motorcycles and love their men dearly. Coincidentally, both women are named Patricia and both ride on the motorcycles with their men.”

Can you imagine? Champ Patricia and Cowboy met 19 years ago, and still share stories and love with me and you Champs. Let’s hope Cowboy’s second knee replacement is a success. He sounds like a wonderful loving man.