Tom Blake

Widowed people’s dilemma: remove deceased spouse’s pictures?

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – April 9, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter. Both parts have been edited for length and clarity

Part One – Widowed people’s dilemma: remove deceased spouse’s pictures?

A couple of weeks ago I asked Champs for opinions on widows or widowers who date and also have pictures of their deceased spouses their homes. Here are some responses.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Old photos around the house everywhere
(Photo by Tom- Ireland 2019)

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years and her husband died as well. Both of them freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be buried. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were much in love and had pictures of both their former spouses around. They talked with each other about adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again.

“When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there, and be comfortable with that.”

Hopefully, these sensitive replies will help widows and widowers who face this understandable dilemma.

Part 2 An open-minded and realistic Champ

I think Cynthia’s situation, described below, is similar to many of our Champs’ situations: they are living alone and have wonderful, positive attitudes.

Cynthia in Kansas, “I am amused, entertained, and enlightened by your eNewsletter.

“I’ve been a widow for six years and the pain of losing my husband of 18 years has finally softened and I’ve accepted where God has placed me now. Yes, I too would like to slow dance with a man, go out to dinner occasionally, have a man to talk or text with. However, the pandemic has put the kibosh on that.

“I am not disappointed as I have a full life with my routine and the fact that my mother is 96 and I am at her house helping her every few days.

“I am 74 and in good shape as I walk four miles almost every day in my neighborhood. I always smile when I meet other people and I’m open, but I noticed that people nowadays are really afraid to smile back or stop and talk. People are too afraid to have even a casual interaction. I will continue doing the same and as Champ Gina mentioned two weeks ago, I will perhaps meet someone who would like to walk and talk too!”

Tom’s Response: “Cynthia, you are doing everything right. There could be no higher priority than continuing to help your mom. My sisters and I did that with our mom, who lived 500 miles away from me. I traveled to see her as often as possible. She passed two months before her 99th birthday. She had a blessed life and was healthy for the most part. She proudly proclaimed at 95 that she took no medications. She passed 11 years ago; my sisters and I still miss her.

“Also, walking is a great thing to do as well. So, hopefully, as time goes on, this pandemic will ease enough so we can get back to more normal lives and people will talk more with strangers. Who knows? A guy you encounter might even enjoy a partner. We all need more social interaction. I have sent your column to a couple of my friends here who are also widows and they enjoy your column also.

“By the way, we can send our eNewsletter directly to your two widow friends. They can email me and I will add them to our mailing list, or they can sign up at www.findingloveafter50.com. on the home page.”

Senior dating: walking on eggshells

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – April 2, 2021

by Tom Blake

Senior dating: walking on eggshells

I have never received 29 responses from a newsletter, until this week. Why did we strike such a chord with the story of Corinne and her man friend Tony of eight months, who told her he didn’t think he’d become her life partner? Now, she’s afraid to tell him she loves him. She is afraid he will leave.

With so many responses, I edited this column for length and clarity. As it is, the column is still long but there were so many sage comments that I chose to include them. Your voices are being heard:

Today, the voices of 29 Champs are being heard–loud and clear

Sandy wrote: “In my experience, men who ‘bail’ on a relationship will continue this behavior. Those who exit when facing challenges should be regarded for exactly what they are – ‘sunshine friends.’

“There should be no delusions that this man with his track record is going to stay when life gets tough.

“Whatever decision Corrine makes, it should be with both eyes open and not engaging in wishful or magical thinking.”

Glen, “Tony isn’t ‘senior marriage material’ or even a life-partner kind of guy. His track record speaks loud and clear and Corrine will find herself heartbroken if she continues to think otherwise. She would be wise to pull back on this dating relationship (that’s all it is and will ever be) and count her blessings that she didn’t make any other foolish mistakes with him (i.e., selling her home).”

Donna: “This woman should be thankful that she has had so many great relationships. If this guy dumps her it’s not her fault. She has to be true to herself and express how she feels at times.”

Wayne: “Given Tony’s track record (3 divorces and living with and leaving multiple women) he’s high risk for exiting the relationship. The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior. As long as she is prepared for a hasty exit at some point, then dating Tony is fine but she better be prepared emotionally if he leaves. She has to decide if dating Tony with a very uncertain future is better than looking for a quality companion who has a better track history and who is looking for a long-term, exclusive relationship.”

Shelley, “I see red flags with Tony. He ‘leaves’ when relationships don’t run smoothly? Not acceptable in my book.”

Maria, “She needs to take each day as a treasured gift. Why push for a guarantee? I would ask her to look inside herself and ask why she needs it? Her neediness just might ruin things. Don’t pout over it. She’s lucky to keep finding men who are so compatible and fun.”

Thyrza, “I cannot understand why Corrine is dreaming of a life with this man. How is he beautiful? Find one who is responsible.”

AJ (woman), “This joker is a love ’em and leave ’em type. Look up ‘Peter Pan Syndrome’ as a dysfunctional type of guy. He fits it. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?”

Joanie, “There are 4- 5 women to every man….so men can move easily from one to another. A gigolo guy who can’t make commitments and take responsibility uses his charm to move among them. He splits as soon as there is a request for him to make a commitment or take responsibility. His charm is how he gets sex and companionship and sometimes money. There is always a woman who will expect less and take less.

“His past shows what he is. No woman should fall for the ‘only game in town.’ Her attitude should be ‘better alone than a fearful slave to some guy who is not worthy of me!’ Under no circumstances should she have him live with her.”

Althea, “If Corrine tries to nail him down to definite answers, he will most likely RUN. She is afraid to say “I love you.” That’s walking on eggshells; I know the feeling too well. We women need answers and like to plan so we can see the road ahead. If Corrine wants him in her life, she might have to live on a wing and a prayer.”

Larry, “They are both who they are! He does not want a lifetime relationship, and she does. Some day he will be moving on. A conundrum!

Joanne, “She says one thing but her actions and reactions say the opposite.”

Anonymous woman, “I am having similar feelings in my relationship. Is it that women of a certain age don’t want to be alone and we are willing to put up with things that lead to insecurity? When we are looking toward the future, it makes living in the moment and relaxing difficult. It is a constant head game for me to balance enjoying the moment with questioning whether this moment is going to lead to a future.”

Jackie, “I feel sorry for this woman who is not in a truly loving relationship as she is always wondering if he will leave. His record tells that answer: He’s living the thrill. She needs to enjoy life and be happy in herself without the need for another. I keep telling myself, I may be lonely but I’m not needy. The best thing would be to enjoy the time with this guy with no expectations for a future.”

Sue, “This is a sad story. Desperate for this man’s attention- she’s willing to put up with his uncertainty…which is crumbs. I ran into men like this during my online-dating years…she’s the flavor of the month- or maybe the flavor of this year…but he will move on.

“He has 100% revealed himself- so he isn’t the bad guy… she’s deluded to think she is ‘the one’ who will change him…I’ve had to tell many of my GF’s, ‘He’s not that into you’- the most famous and true of all book/movie lines! She seems to be one who can meet and connect- she should go fishing again.”

Art, “An old dog does not learn new tricks. Tony has been unreliable for many years and I think Corrine’s insecurity is well warranted. I don’t know if it’s boredom, but whatever the underlying cause is, Tony has already said he does not know if he’s that life partner for her. If nothing else, he has signaled that he is not on the same page as Corrine.

“I think she should keep looking and start to back off on telling him that she adores him. I don’t see a forever relationship down the road.”

Teresa, “ By sharing his background, Tony told Corrine that he is not interested in settling down. He likes to change partners. If she wants a long-term partner, she would be better off breaking up with Tony now, so she can use her spare time to find a better partner.”

Belinda, “Tony doesn’t want a partner; he wants to play. As he ages, there are more and more available women for him in the dating pool. It’s a shame he has the ego that keeps wondering what’s just around the corner instead of being able to commit to what’s here and now.

“Corrine would be best served by keeping her options open, dating several men at a time, and not rushing headlong into a one-sided commitment with these guys.”

Jeanne: “Corinne and Tony are not on the same page. She might have to keep her thoughts and words to herself all the time for him to stay – and even that might not be a guarantee.

“Though she is having fun and is happy with him there is a dark cloud on the horizon. I think it’s difficult to stay with anyone for just fun and laughter, and nothing bigger. Sometimes one has to leave a person one loves because that person is not a good candidate for a forward-moving relationship.”

Mary Ann, “Corrine lives in a dream world. She ignores many red flags. She is kind of desperate with no confidence. She may end up alone.”

Stella, “This man bails when it gets too comfortable. Talking about the future with him is futile. Corrine wants to corral him, tie him up in a nice little package, and live happily ever after. Ain’t gonna happen with this guy. As long as there are no strings attached, he’s happy to hang around. Enjoy what he has to offer and don’t ask for more.”

Bobbi, “You have a satisfactory relationship, don’t scare him off. You know his track record. Why rock the boat? Just enjoy your time together and don’t anticipate his leaving. He can feel your worry. Try to exude only good karma.”

Bob, “All she has to do is stop overthinking and then not mess this up. I am not advocating any course of action on her part because I suspect there are additional facts, circumstances, and nuances that only she can evaluate in making a decision.”

Helen, “This poor lady’s thoughts and activities made me thankful I am happy and content as I am! I would not have said that 20 years ago and so I understand her.”

Alicia, “My opinion is to remain friends and not be exclusive. He seems to be a great friend with benefits. That’s okay if that’s what she wants. But if not, start dating others, otherwise, she will always have that disappointment of the relationship not becoming more.”

Amy, “Sounds like Tony is happy to have a fun relationship with no strings attached until someone else catches his eye. Corrine needs to decide if she is fine with the same type of relationship knowing at some point Tony will move on to someone else. Call it what it is, friends with benefits.”
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Linda, “My message is: enjoy the time you have together with your mate today and not worry about tomorrow. Life will take its place the way it is supposed to. Have fun and be well.”

Bonnie, “If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. This man has provided all the details in black and white. The lady needs to grasp that. By saying, ‘wasting my time,’ the lady acknowledges that she knows that he is. Retracting her comment does not change what she already knows in her gut.”

Jennifer, “My take is that she blurted out the words “I hope you’re not wasting my time,” which might have been insensitive, I suppose, however, it is what she is feeling. Each woman should look for what she wants in a relationship and not sell herself short.

“She wants to tell this man ~ I love you, but she is afraid. This is not good. I believe she is setting herself up for a huge disappointment and most likely will be left. Why would she feel that she was going to be the one to change him? I say, cut her losses and move on. Ask for what you want and if one won’t give you that, then another one will.”

Tom’s comment: Thanks, everybody. With your comments, you have given Corrine plenty to think about. Where else could she get so much sage advice at no cost? And thanks to her for having the bravery to share her story with us. Perhaps down the road a bit, she will provide us with an update. We all wish her the best.

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Housekeeping notes from Tom: (1) Some of you who respond to the newsletter have commented that the email address that pops up is kind of strange, that it’s not my usual tompblake@gmail.com. The strange address is us-e3b7ea…@inbound.mail.com. Explanation: Recently I switched to an upgraded Mail Chimp program because we are constantly adding new subscribers. (Mail Chimp is the service I use for the eNewsletters). Don’t worry about that–either email address works fine. I will receive them both.

(2) Some of you have asked why you are receiving two newsletters each week. The reason that is happening is if you don’t open the Friday newsletter by Sunday, I resend it. By doing that, usually, 200-250 more people open and read it. I am not trying to bug you. If you open your Friday newsletter and then receive the same newsletter on Sunday, please let me know. That has happened in a couple of situations.

Senior woman is afraid to say “I Love You” to her man

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – March 26, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Woman is afraid to say “I Love You” to her man

(Today’s column has been edited for length and clarity. Names have been changed at woman’s request).

Is Champ Corrine overthinking her relationship? Did she put unnecessary pressure on her new man friend? Here’s her story.

Corrine wrote, “I was married for 24 years (1^st and only marriage) and divorced in January 2018 at age 63. Six months after the divorce I decided to go online (OurTIme).

“I couldn’t believe my luck. Within three months, I met two men face to face, both on the same day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Both men were very nice; but I enjoyed meeting Richard more, the afternoon date.

“We immediately started dating and were committed to each other rather quickly. He had been in a 15-year relationship and was anxious to meet another woman. We were exclusive in that neither he nor I saw anyone else and spent every weekend together. We lived about 25 minutes by car from each other.

“We got along fabulously. We had some differences, but nothing so significant that it would be a relationship deal-breaker. We played golf and pickleball, went to movies, cooked together and, did things around the house. After nine months we talked about a future together with the possibility that he would rent out his house and move into mine.

“On June 2, 2019, I was supposed to go to his home for dinner, but was tired and didn’t go. I called and texted but no response. I figured he was upset with me and I didn’t think too much more about his not calling back. On June 4, I received a phone call. Richard had suffered a massive heart attack and died. My world was shattered. This lovely, beautiful man was taken too early from us. He was 68; I was 64.

“I mourned and grieved and did not go back online for nine months. Then Covid hit. I messaged a few men, but no long-lasting connections were made.

“In July of 2020, I met Tony, We hit it off instantly, even during Covid. We have been in an exclusive relationship for eight months. He lives a half-hour away. Tony is a beautiful man, inside and out. He was married three times and in each case, he left his wives. He has also lived with a few women and I believe he left them as well. When Tony becomes ‘unhappy’ he leaves, but he says he always tried to work it out first.”

Tom’s comment: Might Tony’s track record of leaving relationships be a red flag, although Corrine feels he’s a beautiful man?

Corrine continued, “We spend every weekend together. We have so much in common. We love to dance, discuss politics, play golf, pickleball, and even take bubble baths together.

Couples who dance together, often make great partners
photo by Tom in Madrid

I laugh as I have never laughed before. We have an intimate relationship and you would never know I am 65 and he is 71. We act and play like we are 35. So one might be asking, ‘What is the problem?’ I love Tony very much. I believe he is my soulmate. I don’t tell him that because I don’t want to scare him or put undue pressure on him.

She wants a life partner

“However, not long ago, I did say to Tony, “I want a life partner. Not marriage, but a partner to spend the rest of my life with.”

“He shocked me by saying: ‘I don’t know if I am that life partner for you.’

He indicated that with his track record, he was surprised I would even want him for my life partner. He said he now feels some pressure in the relationship. I can’t imagine ever being happier with another man and quite frankly can’t believe he could be happier with another woman.”

Tom’s comment: Can Tony be happy with any woman? He’s bailed on three wives and “a few other women.” That’s another red flag.

Corrine added, “I didn’t mean that we should move in with each other. What I was trying to convey is if things continue to be this good, I would love to have him in my life as we enter the final chapter of our lives.

I then made a mistake by saying, ‘I hope you are not wasting my time,’ which of course, created more pressure on him. The following day, I felt so bad, I told him he is not wasting my time, that every minute, every day, that I spend with him, is glorious and I am happy for whatever time we have with each other.

Tom’s comment: The words: “I hope you aren’t wasting my time” were a poor choice by Corrine. Who knows what thoughts those words put into Tony’s head.

Corrine resumed, “My worry: Will he leave me and run because of what I said? Some friends think I should be grateful for this beautiful man and enjoy today and be thankful for the moment and not worry about tomorrow. Others feel I was being true to myself and simply telling him my expectations. I don’t want to lose him. Did I screw it up, by discussing my desire for a life partner?

“A couple of months later, things are still very good between us. I do not bring up my ‘life partner’ comment nor marriage (which I don’t necessarily want or need).

“I’m afraid to tell him I love him but do say, ‘I adore you.’ He says the same to me. I just somehow wish I knew we will be together in the years ahead. I know there are no guarantees in life, even when you are married, but I just feel somewhat insecure, which is not typically like me!

“I want to make plans and talk about the future. AND NOT JUST ABOUT NEXT WEEKEND.”

What do you Champs think?

Senior dating eNewsletter: keeping it fresh

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – March 19, 2021

by columnist Thomas P Blake

Senior dating eNewsletter: keeping it fresh

The pandemic has made producing this weekly On Live and Love after eNewsletter a challenge. The reason? Many Champs—not all—have hunkered down in their homes and haven’t gotten out of the house as much as they would have during normal times.

Hence, they have less to say about life and love after 50. The stories, experiences, questions, and comments from Champs have slowed to a trickle.

Champs are the voices of people age 50 and beyond—often far beyond. We’ve got subscribers in their 90s. And at the other end of the age spectrum, we’ve got Champs in their 40s.

(The latter are mostly women who are dating considerably older men. These women often take issue with me, claiming that I infer they only want the old guy’s money. They say, “I’m with him because I love him.” I roll my eyes.)

There are weeks when I say to Greta, “I have no idea what the hell I’m going to write about this week.” I ask myself, “Why do I continue writing these eNewsletters? Why do I keep hammering them out after 26 years, having inked more than 4,000 articles?”

(That total is a combination of newsletters and newspaper articles)

Greta says, “You do it because you love it, you are helping people, and it’s good for your brain and helps keep you young.”

And then an email arrives from a Champ that rekindles my enthusiasm. In this week’s case, the email came from Patrick Hynes, a Champ I’ve known for more than 40 years. We’ve mentioned Patrick a few times in our articles. He and I worked for the restaurant chain Victoria Station in the 1970s. We did not know each other then, but have resurrected so many memories it seems like we did.

Patrick is an interesting man; he loves to write. For about six months, he’s been publishing a short blog titled “Patrick’s Brief Encounters…Snippets of my life in America.” He is a native of Australia.

At Tutor and Spunky’s Deli Meet and Greet: Tom, deli owner Samantha, and Patrick (photo by Tom)

For a few years, Patrick was a public relations executive for the Anaheim Hilton Hotel, near Disneyland. In that capacity, he met several VIPs: Mohammed Ali, Joe DiMaggio, Charlton Heston, to name a few. And that’s what he writes about, those brief encounters with famous folks, including photos. He’s written 31 “Brief Encounters.”

In his email this week, Patrick’s said: “I am running out of steam with my ‘brief encounters’ blog…and I’m anxious to move on to a new theme.”

I wrote back, “What? Out of steam after only six months?” And yet, I understood. It’s tough to keep writing fresh material without inputs from readers.

Patrick added, “I am blown away with your longevity (26 years) and fresh eNewsletters and columns. I feel honored to have been mentioned in some of them.”

Patrick’s comment gave me a shot in the arm (not to be confused with Greta’s and my Covid dose #2, which we received two weeks ago), a boost to my morale, and a recommitment to keep producing these weekly eNewsletters.

Patrick’s comment was from a person who understands and appreciates the challenges of keeping a blog/eNewsletter or newspaper column fresh. A little appreciation goes a long way.

Our Champ Patrick Hynes

People ask, “How many Champs receive this weekly eNewsletter?” I send out approximately 2,000 each week on Friday. Of course, not all of them are opened. Hence, I resend the column on Sunday to those readers who did not open, which is why some weeks Champs might receive two copies (because they didn’t open the Friday one).

While our readers are mainly located in the USA, other countries represented include Canada, the UK, Australia, and South Africa.

This week, a widow from Budapest, Hungary, subscribed. I sent her a ‘welcome’ email, telling her that Budapest is one of the great cities in the world. I based my comment on a 2016 visit there that Greta and I enjoyed.

The widow replied, “I m a widova for 3 years – after more than 20 years together – and just trying to understand life, love, and men.” So welcome to her.

Also, recently readers have subscribed from the Philippines and the Canary Islands (Spain). And welcome to them.

So I remind you. If we want the “On Life and Love After 50” eNewsletter to continue arriving on a weekly basis, keep reaching out, sending me your material. Encourage friends to join us.

Note from Tom: I have a http://www.travelafter55.com website. It covers several years of travel that Greta and I have taken. Lots of photos. Once at the travel site, if you scroll to April 2016, you can read about and view photos of our visit to Budapest.
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And now, some “brief encounters” with Champs this week:

Carol, 73, wrote: “Regarding those women who preach stop looking so hard for a man or how wonderful it is living alone, I say: ‘That makes no sense to me. I’ve been happily independent for over a decade.’

“Having friends, family, and activities does not alleviate the desire for slow dancing with a partner, or snuggling up for a movie, or in front of the fireplace, or hugging and exchanging backrubs. The desire for the company of a man does not imply some inherent shortcoming in a woman’s life.”

Gina emailed, “If you walk daily on a beach pedestrian path or nature trail, around the same time each day, you start to see some of the same people. Say hello and good morning to as many people who make eye contact.

“I have met a nice man and we go on walking dates. I’m not into the awkward dinner dates anymore. Walking and great conversation is perfect.”

Future topics: I’d like to write about two issues in future columns:

1. Health issues as we age and our partners grow older as well (names can be withheld)

2. A Champ wondered why widows or widowers who have new relationships still display pictures of their deceased spouses, seemingly everywhere, including at their homes and on Facebook. How should we respond to her comment.

Let’s hear your opinions.

Senior dating: 10 tips for men

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – March 12, 2021

by Columnist Tom Blake

Senior dating: 10 tips for men

(this eNewsletter has been slightly edited for length and clarity)

David Southworth, a Michigan widower, has been a Champ for at least 20 years. A poem David wrote, called “The Sands of Time,” is on the Finding Love After 50 website (link provided below). It’s a heart-grabber.

David has often contributed to this eNewsletter, and he is doing so again today. He’s puzzled why some senior men have difficulty meeting women, and is suggesting five places men might visit to improve their chances of meeting a mate. As the pandemic eases, people will be more safely getting out and about more, making today’s 10 suggestions easier to implement.

(1) Restaurants – David said, “I met my late wife in a restaurant where neither of us had ever eaten.” The point Dave is making is that when men (and women) get out of the house and go places, including new places where they’ve never been, they improve their chances of meeting someone interesting.

(2) Flower and plant nurseries. David added, “One spring, I visited a large flower nursery with hundreds of flowers, plants, herbs, vegetables, and garden decorations for my English gardens. To my surprise, there were very few men shopping there.

“I encountered and talked with approximately 30 different women. We talked about the variety of flowers available, a gardening club I belong to, planting new flowers, building a new garden and herb garden, and cooking preferences of home-grown vegetables.”

Tom’s thought: Remember the old line that men used when trying to get women to come to their homes: “Would you like to see my etchings?” Well, this methodology could be applied here, “Would you like to see my garden?”

(3) Bookstores (yes, they still exist, but are fading away). David said, “When I stopped at a Barnes and Noble to review new books by my favorite authors, I was the only man there. However, there were many women present.”

Note from Tom: Going to other stores or places where mainly women shop, such as Bed Bath & Beyond, might work as well.

(4) Antique stores. David wrote, “While shopping in an antique store, I was the only man present with numerous women shopping. I have been collecting 1840 to 1880 antiques since I was in my 20s.

(5) Antique shows. David said, “Next was an antique show with more than 100 antique dealers, again a majority of those shopping were women.”

Tom’s comment: I know what you may be thinking about items four and five above, and you are right. The man says to the woman: “Would you like to see my antique collection?”

David concluded by saying, “The theme here today is quite simple. Men, think outside the box. Open your eyes, open your heart…women are everywhere; they are right in front of you. They have been there all this time!”

I’d like to add five other suggestions that might improve a senior man’s chances of meeting women.

(6) Wear a baseball cap with a conversation-starter logo on the front. In early January, we featured Heather and Reuben who met because he was wearing a University of Michigan block M on his hat. It’s like a free, conversation-starter, billboard. Heather and Reuben now live together.

To illustrate different locations for conversation-starting logos, I posed for this picture showing “M” logos on a hat, mask, shirt, and even the shoes. I said to Greta, “Wow if I went out dressed like this wearing all these logos, think of the conversations women would start with me.” She said, “Go for it. You’d look really silly!”

(7) Get a dog. This week, a company called Honest Paws emailed a press release that stated, “70% of singles believe having a dog in their dating profile helps them get more matches on dating apps. The top five breeds that singles most love to see in a dating profile are German Shepherds, Pitbulls, Huskies, Labradors, and Golden Retrievers.” Of course, walking a dog often draws positive comments from strangers.

Tom’s comment: Owning a dog is a big responsibility. So, don’t get one only because it might attract more women, be sure you understand the other responsibilities of owning a dog. A guy told me his Labradoodle is a chick-magnet.

(8) Visit a dog park. Of course, this only applies if you take action on item number 7 above. Don’t go there without a dog just to try to meet women. You’d come off as desperate.

(9) Become a dance host on a cruise ship. That’s what our Champ Chris did after a divorce. He met the love of his Tina, a woman from England, who 14 years later became his wife. I have an updated story about them planned for the near future.

Oh, one word about dance hosting. Hosts are not allowed to date passengers while on a cruise. But, once the cruise ends, of course, it’s okay to date a woman a host met on the cruise, so the host must be a bit patient. Solution after a dance together: “Here’s my contact card, email me when you get home from your trip.”

(10) Move to Sarasota. Of course, I’m only joking. We wrote three recent columns involving Sarasota, thoroughly exhausting that topic. One woman said, “I can’t live in Florida; I live in Pa.” Okay, enough said.

So there you have it. Ten suggestions to help senior single men meet women. As Champ David said, nice women, are everywhere.

Today’s topic reminded me of a 1954 song by Bill Haley and The Comets, titled, “Thirteen Women (and Only One Man in Town).” The song was the flip side of “Rock Around The Clock,” which in my opinion, was the song that launched rock and roll.

Here’s the Link to Thirteen Women (and Only One Man in Town)

Link to David Southworth’s poem, “The Sands of Time.”

https://www.findingloveafter50.com/widower-poem-by-david-southworth

Senior women seeking men: stop trying so hard

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 5, 2021

by Tom Blake – Columnist

Senior women seeking men: stop trying so hard

(Note: This eNewsletter has been slightly edited for length and clarity.)

Two weeks ago, this eNewsletter put Sarasota, Florida on the senior dating map. How? Margaret, one of our Champs, had purchased two rental properties there. She mentioned how friendly the people living there are, and that she’s met many senior single men. I, tongue-in-cheek, raised the question, “Is Sarasota a mecca for senior singles?”

Last week’s article featured responses, which I selected, from 11 Champs about what Margaret had written. Oh my gosh, those responses were all over the place, not to mention the ones I didn’t include.

Some enjoyed what she said, others took shots at her, some made false assumptions, and some wondered why women are even looking for a mate at this stage of their lives.

And the latter point is the subject of today’s eNewsletter. I’m including responses from two women about why women shouldn’t be so focused on finding a man.

Plus, I’m sharing Margaret’s impression and thoughts about the diverse responses to her Sarasota article.

Please note: these are not my opinions; I am merely sharing what Champs have said.

Champ Bev emailed, “I moved to Florida three months ago, and while I did not move to Sarasota, I must say that a person will be happy wherever she or he ‘chooses’ to be happy. When people stop focusing on just meeting someone, marriage, etc., and instead start to focus on what brings them happiness, they will be happy anywhere. Happiness begins from within you, not from meeting someone to fill empty holes.

“You need to start by filling the holes yourself. Once you are right in your heart, the rest will naturally fall into place. I liked what Kathy said about not expecting a line of senior single men at the airport in Florida, hoping to meet women. I think that is true of any place, and we need to remain realistic otherwise disappointment sets in.”

Althea shared, “Your newsletters are always interesting. Your Feb. 26 article was cool. I like how you include people’s comments. Maria’s comment was right to the point when she suggested that for all the complaining and searching that some women do to find a single man…that those women were too ‘man-hungry.’

“I wonder why divorced, single or widowed women over 65 need a man? Especially so desperately. If they are set financially, have a home, have family and friends around them, why do they need a man to date, or live with? Haven’t they all been there, done that?

“If they accidentally by fate meet a man and the two of them have things in common, sure, why not spend time together? Great!

“But why the need to go looking and acting so anguished and desperate? Are senior women–after they have lived with a husband for 40, 50, or, 60 years–unable to live alone?

“I can understand the ones who need a man to live with to share finances. But the drawbacks and possible problems that could arise might outweigh the benefit. Been there done that. I’d rather live in a tent.”

Margaret said, “The funny thing about the Sarasota article is that at age 65, I am not looking for a date or a relationship as I am very busy with my family, friends and maintaining my properties right now. Maybe sometime in the future.

“I kept reading in Tom’s eNewsletter articles about women wondering ‘where the men are?’ and thought the Sarasota demographics were interesting. My suggestion to women who are looking for a man is to stop trying so hard.

“Go out, enjoy life, be active, have fun with girlfriends and/or men friends, start a book club, play cards, go hiking, bike riding, walk and travel. Life is too short and precious to waste ‘isolating’ at home or ‘waiting’ for the right person to come along. And, when I do go out, I wear a mask, contrary to what a couple of Champs assumed.

“You can choose to let life get you down and have a negative attitude but it will show in your face, body language, what you say, and/or complain about. Or you can choose to pick yourself up, be positive, and look forward to all the wonderful possibilities.

“These past few years I have lost family members that I loved. Then I lost my health due to a bike accident. I could have isolated at home and felt sorry for myself, but I had wonderful friends and other family members that supported and loved me and most importantly made sure I was not alone.

“Through their love, I was able to live life happily again. Some ‘holes’ that Bev talked about will never be filled when a loved one is lost, but there is always hope for happier days ahead. The Florida properties have kept me busy and I am grateful for that. Spending time with my childhood best girlfriend who encouraged me to buy in Sarasota has been such a sweet blessing and helped me in showing me around Sarasota. She was originally a CA girl but retired with her husband in Sarasota.

“Lastly, we can choose to be a “Negative Nancy” or a “Positive Polly.” I think the reason I have met so many nice men in Sarasota is that I am friendly, have no problem being the first to initiate a conversation (This does not necessarily involve flirting, just laughing/joking while waiting in line at the grocery store or asking for help at the hardware store) and I am generally a happy person, quick to smile or laugh and interested in what the other person has to say.”

Something to ponder

Wayne (written with a big smile) asked, “I got my second Covid vaccine shot. Should I put that on my dating profile?”

My comment: Hilarious. But it’s a good question in that it may reveal people’s different opinions on the government’s and health-care experts’ mandates regarding COVID-19.

Keep the comments coming so I can keep the eNewsletters coming.

Is Sarasota a mecca for senior single men?

Where the Men Are

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 19, 2021

By columnist Thomas P Blake

Where the Men Are

Today’s eNewsletter reminds me of two songs. The first is Connie Francis’ 1961 song, “Where the Boys Are,” (link at end of this eNewsletter) which was the theme song for a movie of the same name. The movie was about four coeds seeking love on spring break in Florida.

At least twice a month for the 26 years I’ve been writing about dating, I’ve been asked “Where the men are?” and “Where do I meet senior men?” by women. If my math is correct, that would be approximately 624 times. And that’s a conservative number.

Sometimes, the question is stated differently. For example, this January, a woman wanted to know “where to meet a nice, decent man?” and another asked, “Where the senior single men are.”

My answer has always been that there is no place, of which I’m aware, where older single senior men go to hang out with the sole intention of meeting single women close to their age. Admittedly, there are some singles functions that single men attend, but the ratio is usually somewhere near four to five women to each man.

And then women say, “Some of those men aren’t potential mate-material.” Reasons cited: age, weight, still-married, broke, smoker, drinker, couch potato, kids living at home—the list can go on and on. So, in effect, a more realistic ratio is even greater, like six or seven to one, women to men. For women, those are pretty discouraging numbers.

However, one of our woman Champs has discovered a place where there are lots of older single unattached men. She emailed, “I live in California, but I bought a condo on the beach in Sarasota, Florida. I love it there!

“If it weren’t for my grandson living in California, I would move to Sarasota. Beautiful beaches, tons of museums, theaters, fantastic restaurants, hiking, biking, and water sports. It reminds me of a smaller, less-busy San Diego.

“Californians and East-coasters are moving to Sarasota in droves. A California couple rented, sight unseen, my house in Sarasota because they are building a custom home in Sarasota.”

Our Champ provided Sarasota population demographics: “41 percent married, 59 percent single, divorced or widowed; 48.7 percent men, 53.3 percent women. Where are you ever going to get those odds? The average male age is 46.2 and the female age is 52.4 (respective numbers higher in South Sarasota).

“I meet retired single men everywhere in Sarasota! Grocery store, beach, home-improvement stores, restaurants/ bars, walking, and living in my condo complex. It’s like a candy store for senior women!”

A candy store for senior women? Sarasota sounds too good to be true for senior women wanting to know where the eligible men are. But, Sarasota comes with some quirks, which our Champ explained:

“I returned from Florida yesterday and wanted to share some experiences that might make you laugh. In Sarasota, I made an appointment with my painter, Oscar (not his true name), a mid-30-year-old, to repaint my window sills after having hurricane windows installed. I employed him three times previously for various paint jobs.

“For some odd reason, this young man, after viewing the window sills and slider frames, decided to hug me and kiss me on the lips. I was so shocked I pushed him away and said “Oscar! I am old enough to be your grandmother! Please don’t do that!”

Tom’s comment: (Not to mention the danger during the pandemic).

“He left, looking chagrinned. Oscar returned and completed the paint job appearing crestfallen and quiet. He only charged me $250 for about six hours of work and said it was a ‘special discount’ just for me. I wonder what he would have charged if I had let him kiss me? LOL!

“The next day, I met with a photographer (mid-70s) to take photos of my condo for renting purposes. His name was the same as my ex-husband’s name so we joked about the coincidence. He is a widower who lost his wife to cancer after 52 years of marriage. He asked me to go on a date.

“He has had no luck with internet dating sites. He was a very nice man but I didn’t feel any chemistry. He was quite overweight. I told him I was leaving for CA in a few days so dating was probably not in our future. He still insisted I call him when I return to Florida. Maybe he will have lost some weight by then?

“Soooo…for all those women looking for a man, Sarasota is just teeming with single men of all ages looking for women. At least that has been my experience. BTW, my girlfriend, her husband, and I went out to happy hour one evening and another evening went out to dinner, then dancing. So enjoyable to do some ‘normal’ activities during this pandemic.”

The second song our Champ’s story reminds me of is the Eagles’ “Lyin’ Eyes,” because of this line:

“Every form of refuge has its price.”

Sarasota sounds like a great place to take refuge for senior single women, but, at a price: be prepared to be kissed by your 40-year-younger painter. Oh, and then there’s the cost of moving there.

The link to the Eagles’ song Lyin’ Eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PTEqZURh4o

The link to Connie Francis singing “Where the Boys Are.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqgl0VRJW0E

####

Now, with signs that the pandemic is easing, face-to-face dating will become more prevalent. Let’s hear what has changed in senior dating. Send me your questions and experiences to share with our Champs.

Also, some of you have asked why some weeks you are emailed two copies of the eNewsletter. The reason: If by Sunday, you haven’t opened Friday’s eNewsletter, I resend a copy because some people have told me that they inadvertently deleted the first one and want a second one sent. By sending a Sunday copy,only to people who didn’t open, it saves me from sending a bunch of individual emails.

Senior date idea – Disneyland in February

by Columnist Tom Blake

February 12, 2021

Senior date idea – Disneyland in February

I’ve been to Disneyland twice in my life. I recall the first visit vividly, June 21, 1964, not because of the intrigue of the Magic Kingdom, but because while waiting in line there, I heard that Philadelphia Phillies’ pitcher Jim Bunning had pitched a no-hitter, perfect game, against the New York Mets.

Why do I remember that? I was a Detroit Tigers fan and Bunning had been a Tigers pitcher, where he also had pitched a no-hitter, and I was upset when he got traded away.

The second time was about 15 years ago when my partner Greta and I took her grandchildren for a fun day there.

Greta and I decided to go to Disneyland on February 4. You might be thinking, “Tom and Greta must not have realized that Disneyland was closed due to the pandemic.” Oh, we knew it was closed, which is why we went. Disneyland is the primary COVID-19 vaccination site in Orange County, California.

Where we live in Orange County, the nation’s fourth-largest county with more than three million people, the primary way to schedule a vaccination appointment is the website Othena.com. Greta and I had been on that site for five weeks trying to schedule an appointment. It was frustrating being put in a “waiting room,” as the site described it, without being able to get an appointment, but when you consider 610,000 people are registered on that site, also awaiting an appointment, the delay was understandable.

On Tuesday, February 2, we were each notified by email that it was time to book our appointments. We were able to both get the same day, time and location. It was Disneyland, for the Pfizer vaccine. We were told to bring a photo i.d. and a printed copy of our appointment confirmations.

People who go without appointments will be turned away.

Our appointment was for 9:30 on Thursday the 4th; we arrived at the main entrance to the enormous parking lot on Katella Avenue in Anaheim and were parked by 8:30 a.m. The people directing traffic were very helpful and friendly. Reminders to wear masks were everywhere.

In our eagerness to get in line, I did not write down the row where we parked. I just eye-balled our location among the hundreds of cars parked there and thought “No sweat. I know where it is.”

We were directed to get into the 9:30 a.m. line. Crashing an earlier line than one’s scheduled appointment isn’t allowed. Hence, arriving early, won’t get a person vaccinated earlier.

There was one woman ahead of us. It was cold and slightly windy. I was wearing a winter jacket. Greta had only a shawl over her blouse. It was cold for her; I opened my winter coat, hugging her and wrapping the coat around her to warm her up. I saw many men in teeshirts, shorts, and flip-flops with no socks. They had to be uncomfortably cold.

We watched as 100+ people in the 8:45 a.m. line advanced to the vaccination tents. And then the same for the 9:00 and 9:15 lines. As each line cleared, people waiting in the remaining lines cheered.

Those receiving their first dose were directed to one check-in tent; people receiving their second dose were directed to another tent. The sun had come out so now we were a bit warm. When people arrive in the early morning at Disneyland, they’d be wise to dress as if they’re going skiing by layering their clothes.

We passed through three check-in stations, showing our picture i.d and appointment documents each time. A fourth station was where we received our shots and a vaccination record card that also listed a February 25 appointment for our second dose.

One of the many tents at the Disneyland Covid-19 vaccination site

Before receiving the shot, everybody was questioned about the medications they’re taking. If any meds might possibly interact with the vaccine, those people were interviewed in yet another tent by a doctor to receive approval.

Greta and I felt the shot hurt less than a flu shot. After receiving it, we were required to sit for 15 minutes under a tent to ensure we had no adverse reactions.

While there, we discovered that Greta’s driver’s license (photo i.d.) was missing. Couldn’t find it anywhere in her pockets or purse. We mentioned that to a staff member and before we knew it, Mike Lyster, the Chief Communications Officer from the Anaheim City Manager’s office–who was helping out that day–was summoned and helped us retrace our steps. He was awesome.

After a frantic search, a triple-check of Greta’s purse revealed that her driver’s license had slipped behind another card. We embarrassingly revealed that to Mike.

He smiled and said, “You’d be amazed how often that happens. People show their paperwork so many times it’s easy to misplace something small such as a driver’s license.”

We made our way back to the car. Of course, it was hard to find because I hadn’t written down where we parked. I kept making excuses to Greta like, “My car usually has my Stand Up Paddle Board on top so it’s easy to see. But I removed it this morning before driving here.”

Our first-dose experience was positive. The people working there were incredible. We thanked them often. Hopefully, all Champs will do the same with all of the medical and service personnel who are putting themselves at risk to help us get through the pandemic.

Other than sore arms the following day, neither of us had any side effects.

Although we didn’t see Mickey or Minnie Mouse, and our outing wasn’t exactly a celebration of Valentine’s month, it had been pleasant to be there. Hopefully, by summertime, those two Disney characters will be walking the streets of Disneyland, greeting customers.

###

In Dana Point, where we live, there is a house on the Street of Blue Lantern (many Dana Point Streets are called Lanterns) that is decorated by its owners for every special holiday. Valentine’s Day is no exception.

Festive House on Blue Lantern in Dana Point, California

Have a good Valentine’s Day.

Senior love in the U.P. of Michigan

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – February 5, 2021

by columnist Thomas P Blake

Senior love in the U.P. of Michigan -Follow your heart but take your brain with you

As Valentine’s Day approaches, I hoped I’d be able to share with you a senior feel-good, finding-love story. Lo and behold, an email arrived describing Champ Cheryl’s relationship with Matt. This is a different Cheryl than the one we spoke about last week.

What stands out is how they intelligently approached their 600-mile long-distance relationship. Cheryl and Matt met online, moved slowly, decided to live together in his home, faced obstacles with his daughter, and eventually moved to Cheryl’s home. They talked things over, realized they weren’t perfect, and yet, made the relationship work. I think Champs will benefit from their story.

I edited Cheryl’s email for length and clarity.

She wrote, “Matt and I are blessed to have found love in our 70s. However, we do take some credit for our success and don’t believe it was just luck. We were honest when we wrote our profiles and answered hundreds of questions on OK Cupid, and we were honest with each other in our communications from the onset.

“Our ‘deal-breakers’ were issues of substance, not less-important things like food preferences or favorite color! We were cognizant that at our age we were set in our ways to some extent, and we were willing to accept that–in each other–and make adjustments and compromises.

“Matt says we each have ‘perfect imperfections!’ We were also willing to travel more than 25 miles to find a loving partner, and when we found each other, both were willing to relocate to where the other one lived.

“We didn’t make a hasty commitment, but when we did commit, we felt confident that we were doing the right thing. We both recognized that we were lonely living alone and we wanted to be in a committed, live-in relationship, so we were dedicated to making it work.

“Some seniors—widowed, never married or divorced–have decided they prefer living alone to living together, and perhaps they don’t realize that until they venture into dating again. Possibly that is why they decide a relationship isn’t working for certain reasons.

“Honesty from the outset is crucial. Relationships at any age are challenging, but at least we seniors have the advantage of knowing ourselves well and understanding the futility of ‘playing games’ in relationships! Sometimes people are blindsided by revelations by partners that were not initially revealed.

“Matt’s house in the Upper Penisula of Michigan is 600 miles from where I was living in Ohio. In April 2016, I spent a week with Matt in the U.P. getting to know him in person and getting to know my potentially new location, which I liked.

It’s cold in the Upper Penisula of Michigan
(Photo by Debbe Daniels)

One regret I have is that I did not meet his daughter. I’m not sure if meeting her would have changed our plans, but in hindsight, meeting her should have happened. I’ll explain later.

“In July 2016, Matt came to Ohio and spent two weeks meeting my family and friends and doing some sight-seeing. By that time we had decided to make a ‘rest-of-the-journey commitment to each other and I had decided to move to the U.P.

“In September 2016, I moved to Michigan to be with Matt. I had made assumptions about his relationship with his daughter (his only child) that proved not to be true, and he assumed she would accept me as his partner. Since his daughter lives in the same town, we expected to share family time with her and her fiance’ and likely grandchildren for Matt eventually. (Matt found out via email from his son-in-law that they were already married!)

As a result of her resistance to my involvement in Matt’s life and her subsequent total estrangement from him for 2 1/2 years, we are now moving back (for me) to Ohio, which Matt is willing to do. He realizes how much I miss having family interaction, especially at holiday times.

“Matt has made it clear to his daughter that he is not ‘giving me up,’ and she will not dictate to him how to live his life. I know some seniors have had issues in relationships where a person feels forced to choose between a partner and a child and chooses the child.

“It’s a choice no one should be forced to make, and sadly Matt’s daughter has put him into this position. Fortunately, he chose the path that he knew would make him and me happy (remaining committed to me and our relationship)–a path he has every right to follow.

“One benefit of pursuing a relationship at our age (70s) is that we know ourselves well enough to recognize what we need and want based on our emotions and practical objective considerations. We are not as likely to simply get ‘swept off our feet’ and make a decision prematurely or based solely on emotion.

“The benefits of living in our 60s, 70s, and 80s give us a better chance of achieving a happy, successful relationship than when we were younger and knew ourselves less well. It’s always important, as someone once said, to “Follow your heart but take your brain with you.” This applies to any age, but I think we are more likely to do that in our senior years!”

Cheryl’s comments summarize how to wisely approach a new relationship in our later years. What a nice story for the month of Valentine’s Day.

I’m aware Valentine’s Day is a week away, but it’s the month of Valentine’s Day +