On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 10

Senior Singles Avoid Wasting Time

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 17, 2023
More about Senior Singles List Making
By Columnist Tom Blake

Keep the list short

More about making a senior-love list

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled “Make A List.” In that newsletter, I suggested that senior singles make a list of the characteristics they want in a mate and in their relationship. The purpose of a list is to help a person avoid wasting time, money, and emotions on a relationship or a person who is not right for her or him. At our age, we don’t have time to waste.

The above paragraph reminds me of the song, “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” by the incredible Tejano/rockabilly singer Freddy Fender, which he wrote in 1959. See the link at the end of today’s column.

A list is merely a dating tool. There is no right or wrong list. And there is no perfect mate. We all have our faults so don’t judge someone too harshly or too quickly. Be flexible.

Many Champs responded to that eNewsletter. Champ Virginia asked, “Is there a list that a man would make?

I responded: “I’ll be happy to do that at the end of today’s article. But I stress that each person’s list will vary according to their values, desires, and experiences. Keep the list short.

The list last week was close to my list, give or take a few items.
Here are comments based on last week’s eNewsletter.

LJ (woman) “I quit dating a very nice man because every room in his house had at least one or two large photos of his deceased wife. One large 2′ x 3′ portrait on the living room wall was a bit overwhelming. Many smaller ones all over. I understand that he loved his wife. That’s very touching. And shows he is a good guy.

“But I felt like she was constantly looking at us! Perhaps this is my problem. Probably is. But it was unsettling to me. “I never said anything to him about the photos but I quit going out with him. I felt like I would never measure up. And that I would always be compared to her. I suppose this is my perception.

“Also, he paid for his son and spouse to live in a condo next door to him. I could see he wanted his intact family close by, at his expense. It was not something I wanted to be a part of. The last thing I needed was somebody glued to the old family.”

Bruce, newly divorced, mentioned a few of his list items. “I will not date someone of the opposite political party.

“Also, regarding availability to date. Some women are so busy with activities that they don’t have adequate time to date, which is very different from men. “Another is geographic distance. I am trying to limit the distance to a 50-mile radius but it seems like the more desirable potential mates are in major cities, 100-200 miles away.

“The last no-no for me is smoking in any way, either casual or regularly.”

Champ Patty said, “My husband died in July, but had dementia for years. I met a nice new man on Zoosx, in December. We spoke for two weeks, via phone and text, every day. We met for coffee, spoke countless hours on the phone, and then spent the day together. It’s been growing since. He’s a retired firefighter and was patient with me and a complete gentleman. He kind of checkmarked everything I asked for.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I will send your column to a friend. We have only seen each other two times in a year. He works in the Seychelles, is divorced, and is a bit younger than me. He has three kids and he’s from a large family, one of nine children. On a visit, he made advances toward me. I told him no. So, the next time he was in my country he didn’t contact me.

“He is a preacher of the Bible. I told him he doesn’t practice what he preaches. Did I do the right thing?”

I responded to Rosemarie, “Based on what you explained, I think you did the right thing.”

Ray said, “I never have made a list but it kind of makes sense. Also, in concert with the article, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

Wayne emailed, “Liked your list. Many women want to be on ‘scholarship.’”
Knowing Wayne, I think what he means is that some women he meets want to be on a free ride and not share expenses. They expect him to always pay.

Janet wrote, “Good advice. I had no idea where to start. The list is the perfect place.”

Mack emailed, “Re: Joan, from last week; her thoughts, perhaps to the extreme, are not atypical. I think it is normal for a man or woman to compare a new person with a past mate(s).

“I, for one, will never get over losing my first wife back in the 90s. There is never the same innocence of a young relationship down the road in later life.”

More than two years ago, Champ Cheryl wrote this about making a list: “Having children or grandchildren live with them is a deal-breaker for me because I was in that situation in my marriage. The blood relatives of a man seem to come before the new partner.”

“Plus, the political thing has become major. I have met some very nice men with whom I clicked, and then they find out which candidate I support and they break it off immediately.”

Also, two years ago, Champ S (a woman) wrote, “The first attraction is physical. Then we go from there…” I agree with “S.”

Here’s a possible list from a man: (Remember, what this dude wants, he must be willing and able to provide her with the same qualities. Love is a two-way street).

Tom’s suggested characteristics-wanted list

1. There must be a strong physical attraction between us

2. There will be differences from having lived different lives, especially as we’ve aged. We must be willing to compromise. This is where different political beliefs can be lessened to make each other’s views tolerable enough to keep the relationship intact

3. She must be willing to communicate openly and honestly

4. She must make me her top priority (and I must do the same)

5. She must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses (not specific dollar-to-dollar amounts or switching who pays every other time they go out together, but in general)

6. She must be available to see me 3-5 times per week and live within a few miles from me

7. No smoking or drugs

8. Our religious beliefs can be different, but no zealots for me. I believe in a higher power, but I do not attend church. She can attend church, which I respect, but I won’t be attending with her. A plus, she must enjoy sports.

9. She must be kind, considerate, positive, and upbeat, and she must love animals

10. She must take care of her health and we must enjoy being together and feel totally comfortable.

Link to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender https:///www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9lkeoxJRxA

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Around the Island

Senior dating concern: Availability

Tom with Johnny Cash circa 1990

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 20, 2023
Senior Dating Availability
Are any seniors available to date? By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1
Senior dating availability. Full time? Part-time? or No time?

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available,” produced interesting responses, a few of which I am sharing with you today.

Sarah emailed, “Another issue regarding availability would be a health issue. I’m thinking in terms of something like auto-immune, MS, or the like, where there are good days and bad…or for that matter, good hours followed quickly by bad hours.

“Often in a situation like this, a person might have to cancel plans at the last minute or wait until the last minute to make or confirm plans. This is something that would be necessary to speak of early on as it would take a lot of patience and understanding, but as you say, Tom, it might be very worthwhile.”

Jonie, “Most of the senior women I know are available for a part-time relationship but don’t want to take on a man full-time. The women have hobbies and friends and want quality alone time. They don’t want to give those things up, so a part-time relationship is perfect for them. Most are widows or divorcees who have learned that living single has a lot of perks.

“Hence, they want to balance that and not give it up. Plus, most of the women I know will not mingle finances. So, the question ‘Are you available to date?’ is brilliant. It allows the responder to be very honest about their status. They can say ‘Yes, on a part-time basis’ or ‘No, not right now,’ It’s a great question on a first date.

Tom’s comment: Men don’t want to mingle finances either.

Francine, Florida (Francine and I have never met in person but through email exchanges, we found we have a couple of things in common. We were both born on November 11 (different years) and she met her husband-to-be on June 23, 1998, while I met Greta on June 24, 1998, just one day apart). My Mom Fran was also born on November 11.

Francine emailed, “I love reading your senior love eNewsletters. I’ve been widowed for almost 11 years the first time, and then again when a boyfriend passed away five years ago. I date a lot now.

“Len, a friend of 12 years, has been trying to see if we can take our friendship to the next higher level. He lives in Henderson, Nevada, where I first met him. We are both from NYC. We are the same: politically, religion, values, intelligence, movies, books, and music. However, I’m very outgoing, while he is quiet.”

“He is coming out in February to see if we click together. He said after all these years that I’m still ‘under his skin.’ If it works this time, I have no problem traveling back and forth from Florida to Nevada as I loved living in Henderson (for 14 years). I still know my way around and have friends there.

“Len and I have always been on the same page in different books. I was married; he was single. I was widowed; he had a girlfriend…and so on for 12 years. He seems to get involved with the wrong women and now he wants to try the right one. I’m hopeful we have a chance this time. I’m tired of dating so many men with whom I might have chemistry but nothing else. Or things in common but no chemistry.

“I’m 76 and still very young physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package. I don’t mind part-time. Len is 72. It’s time for us! I will commute for a while if I must as I can do my work anywhere…he works part-time in Las Vegas. “I’m still writing my book …hopefully by year’s end, I can get it published. “Len canceled on me four years ago when he was involved with a ‘married woman.’ They are just friends now.”

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Francine and Len are mentally available for each other. I’m glad they are giving it a try. Of course, the long-distance availability aspect will be a bit challenging, but Francine feels she can tackle that.

Gloria, “I’m divorced 30+ yrs. I have no grief issues romantically (however, I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer) I’m healthy and fun. People wonder why I haven’t found a guy friend all these years. I would love a causal relationship for fun. Never clicked with anyone. Some men I have dated were nasty.

“I can relate to last week’s eNewsletter advice. I am not up for an all-consuming ‘relationship. I enjoy my single life – I’m a writer and a singer and a political activist. The reason I relate is that last year I met a seemingly nice guy online. He treated me to lunch. In our discussion, I felt he’d need more time than I was willing or able to give him. I told him that even though I’m not working, I have a busy life, but it would be nice to get together on weekends.

“He started to cry. He had told his mother about me. I felt awful, as I realized lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily. Not my thing. I hope he found a nice woman offering what he needed.”

Tom’s comment to Gloria: “Oh my gosh. He started to cry and told his mother about you? I haven’t pulled that maneuver yet. It reminds me of the 1950s song ‘Cry’ by Johnnie Ray, who was popular for a few years in the 1950s. I do take issue with your comment,

“I realize lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily.” That’s a generalization. It could apply to some women also. And it doesn’t have to be daily. I think I’m a 2.5 to three times-a-week guy for getting together but am still trying to figure that out. This senior single stuff is new to me. A buddy of mine asked me if the 2.5 to three times of meetings per week include time for intimacy. I choked on my wine.

Egad, I hadn’t thought about that and said, “Let me get back to you on that.” Wow, so much to think about under this availability umbrella. On second thought, I think I know my answer. I’m learning how single women think about availability and other issues during these early stages of venturing out there. Hopefully, the info will keep me from saying or doing Something Stupid. (a 1967 #1 song made popular by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
Link to Something Stupid

Senior dating concern: Availability

“Are you available to date?” He asked. She answered “No”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 13, 2023
Don’t make yourself available if you aren’t available

By Columnist Tom Blake

Champ Bruce emailed his response to last week’s Senior Part-Time Girlfriend eNewsletter. In that column, a man told his girlfriend Joyce, 74,(she’s six years older) that he wanted to see her only two times a week and occasionally three times. They had been seeing each other almost daily for four months.

Joyce was taken aback but accepted his wishes, saying, “I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown.”

Bruce wrote, “As a 60-ish single senior, I can relate to the gentlemen who informed Joyce of wanting to see her just 2-3 times per week. “Many of us still work, have grandkids with whom we are occasionally involved during the week, friends we spend time with, and duties around our homes.

“I just got out of a short-term relationship which had me ‘running a rat race’ where we both had individual homes and the other party wanted to be together almost every night of the week.

“This would work with a married couple or a couple who choose to immediately live together but can be a challenge when you choose to each have your own homes and live apart.

“Juggling time between family, friends, the girlfriend, and work can be a challenge. It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with our significant other, but restricting the relationship time you have with your family and friends because your dating partner may have significantly more free time is not balanced.

“If you are retired, and have no significant family or friends that you are involved with, then you may have a lot of free time to devote to a woman who may need that level of involvement in her relationship.

“That’s part of the matching process, finding a person you are interested in spending time with and becoming involved with, and still meshing your time with family and friends.”

Tom’s opinion on being available for senior love

As a newly single senior, Bruce’s comment got my attention. Right off the top, I think he’s right. It’s not just men who have limited time to spend with a mate. It applies to women as well. I’ve corresponded with many single newspaper and eNewsletter readers lately. Many are widows. Here’s my observation about the time availability of five of those widows, based on what they’ve said or just my impression.

One widow (of a year and a half) manages her deceased husband’s business and in her own home is caregiving for her elderly mother. She barely has time to come up for air or a walk around the block. She’s a lovely person who’s not available for a relationship. Not at this time, at least.

Another widow (of 10 years) is a go-getter business-wise. The demands of her job leave her with little spare time for anything. She said, “I’m not willing to give up my free time for a relationship at this point in my life. The little bit of free time I have I like spending by myself or with my family.” She’s also a lovely person, and not available for a relationship.

A third widow (two years) has a sports instructor’s job that requires hours of daily teaching and physical exercise, sometimes starting at 6 a.m., six to seven days a week. One day, after a long hard day of working, she emailed, “I’m worthless right now. Physically and mentally; I give my all to the kids! I’m also stubborn.” This happens to her often. Exhausted, too pooped to pop. She’s not available either, but at times I feel she wishes she were.

A fourth widow (six months), has a demanding job with a successful company where she’s an important executive, the glue that keeps her office together. She works out daily, doing Pilates, and strives to keep herself fit. She has a dog she treasures that requires walks twice daily. She rides and cares for a horse each week. I imagine the appointment calendar on her wall is filled with activities and obligations. She spends time with her family. She has amazing energy and is attractive. Time for a relationship? On a limited basis, perhaps.

A fifth widow (2 years), is always busy. She has three dogs, which require attention. She’s possibly available, but still grieving the loss of her spouse. Spending time doesn’t appear to me to be a high priority for this nice person. These widows are all attractive. Men would love being able to spend time with them. Some of the widows were married for 40 years or more. Some are in grief gridlock, which is my own term, not meant to be derogatory. I get grief gridlock; I’m in it often as well.

These widows still grieve; it might never get easier for them as time progresses. They are intelligent and take good care of themselves. They are financially responsible, and each owns her own home. They simply aren’t available for a relationship, at least that’s my observation. Or perhaps the right guy hasn’t come along.

Grief can also make getting involved in a relationship a challenge. I’ve learned in the two months since I lost Greta that grief can do strange things to one’s mind. One minute you’re cruising along feeling you are beginning to do a little better and then bam, out of the blue, a STUG (Sudden, Temporary, Uptake, of Grief) hits. It can make you cranky, cry, wacked out, sad, depressed—you name it.

You might be alone or with someone and you say something to the person that he or she might misinterpret or not comprehend, or even appreciate. Hopefully, people won’t judge you too harshly. You’re doing the best you can. A second chance might be all that is needed to enjoy that person.

If people decide to initially meet for coffee or a walk, or whatever, and there appears to be a connection between them, I think having the availability discussion early on is important so both people understand each other’s availability, and manage their relationship expectations based on it. Know yourself well and what you want.

And then there are seniors who are available but often have compatibility issues. The idiosyncrasies and baggage we all have can get in the way of senior romance as well. A friend of mine and I had a laugh that we weren’t compatible because I love mashed potatoes and she doesn’t like mashed potatoes. We’re mashed-potato-incompatible!

In preparing today’s eNewsletter, thinking about loneliness and seniors being alone who aren’t available for a relationship, the words from one of the greatest songs ever recorded and my favorite Bob Dylan song, Like A Rollin’ Stone, came to mind.

“How does it feel? How does it feel? To be on your own with no direction home, A complete unknown like a rolling stone?”

(See the link below)

Don’t forget to be kind and hug each other. But don’t make yourself available if you’re not available. Only you can judge what you want or need at this stage in your life. And when you meet someone who feels right to you, with whom you are compatible, give each other a chance. Take your time. Be patient with each other. Understand the person’s needs and priorities.

You may need to rearrange your availability priorities a bit. It just might be worth the effort. Even if you see each other only two or three times a week. If that person has a lot to offer, and you run and hide from them, they may be gobbled up by someone else, and then, a few months later, you’re sorry you didn’t keep them in your life. And remember, today’s topic applies to both men and women.

Link to Like A Rolling Stone – a six-minute+ masterpiece

My money is on the chair. Blue Lawn Chair leads to senior love

Hello, Tom

Senior love found because of a blue chair

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 6, 2023
“My money is on the chair” By Columnist Tom Blake

“My money is on the chair”

5 words that brought love to a senior couple

Finding a compatible mate in one’s senior years is difficult. It can happen when people are willing to get out of the house, walk, be friendly, and intermingle with others. Sometimes, there’s luck involved, and often seniors feel there was a higher power at work.

These factors were the case with Char (not her true name), who recently emailed about finding her senior-love story. She lives in Dana Point, California.

Char, wrote, “In 2013, I was 69 and content with my life as a single woman. I had been walking for 20 years in Dana Point Harbor six days a week. “On my walk one day across the bridge on Dana Point Island, I saw a man flailing around trying to collapse a low, blue-colored, beach chair.

“He looked funny and flustered and I started laughing and called out to him as I approached, ‘My money is on the chair.’

“He looked at me and asked me to come and show him how it was done. No problem, but then I couldn’t collapse it either. We stood there laughing until a lady saw us from her car and mercifully showed us how to collapse the chair.

“When he and I introduced ourselves, we both used our proper names, me: Charlotte, and him: Liam. Normally I’d just say Char and he told me he uses Lee. Later we talked about why we used our proper names; neither could explain it.

“I knew on that first day that something special had just happened to me, that he was the one for me even though he lived in another country and was a recent widower. I figured: ‘Just my luck, no chance whatsoever.’

“I told four friends that afternoon that I had met the one. And, I called my sister that night and told her the same thing.

“Lee is English and was visiting his son and family for Christmas from the UK. He had lost his wife of 60 years six months before, so I knew he was dealing with that.”

Tom’s comment. I asked Char if she and Lee had arranged to meet each other again. She said no, but she sure hoped to see him again. No contact information was exchanged between them.
And this is where luck entered the scene. I asked why they didn’t exchange contact info on that first day of the meeting, or agree to meet at the blue-chair location the next day. What if one of them hadn’t come back? Or they had come at different times? This entire senior love relationship might not have happened.

I encourage senior singles to carry a contact information card, which makes it easy in case one would like to contact the other person.  Char said, “I don’t know why neither asked for contact information, but I KNEW I was going to see him again. I made sure to look fabulous the next day and there he was at the same location. I smiled upon seeing him.

“Maybe the first time we were too dazzled by what had happened and weren’t thinking straight. I used to have a printed card with my name and phone number (that was pre-email) and never once did I hand one out.

“During our second day, we talked for two hours. Lee said he was going home soon so we exchanged email addresses.

Tom’s comment: Yea! Thank goodness they at least shared email addresses so they could contact each other.

Char continued, “After he returned to England, I emailed and didn’t get any reply, I was despondent. The next week he emailed and said he had caught terrible flu on the plane going home and had been in bed for a week. We started corresponding and after about a month he said he was coming back to the USA. I was very happy about that.

“Lee didn’t say he was coming back to see me, (he’s English; they aren’t real demonstrative), he inferred it was just in general, but I later learned after we were together for a while that he didn’t want to be a burden on his daughter in the UK, he didn’t want to depend on anyone.

“I think he felt there was nothing in the UK to keep him there, other than his daughter and her family. He has a son who has a family living in Trabuco Canyon (near Dana Point) with whom he stayed when he visited.

“I surmised that he was coming back to see me because we emailed daily, and I was always telling him how much I missed him and loved him. I didn’t know how those feelings happened, but I felt them strongly and couldn’t keep them to myself. He asked how could I love him and I told him I didn’t know but I knew I did – period.

“Lee has three children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. His children had no problem when he told them about me. All they said was ‘Just be happy Dad, we want you to be happy.’ No one had any objections to us being together. I mention this because it’s important for people to know that adult children shouldn’t have a vote on whether their parent is with a certain person or not, it’s not their business.

Lee returns to the USA

“After he returned, he didn’t contact me right away. When he did, he said that he had ‘plans’ for the weekend and that he would see me ‘next week.’ I didn’t take that very well and asked when he could fit me into his appointment book. He thought I was serious and said, ‘Tuesday.’

“When I met him Tuesday, again in the harbor, I was really angry, and I let him have it. I told him that I wanted someone to love, not a pen pal, and if he wasn’t up for that to tell me now. I got up and stomped off – he came running after me and said he didn’t know what he wanted, and I told him I knew what I wanted and if we weren’t on the same page to just forget it.

“A few days later he called and acted like nothing had happened (English again) and from that day on we saw each other almost every day.

“He moved in with me within a month after his return to the States. I think he was trying to manage what the ‘kids’ would think. He arranged for me to meet his son, his son’s wife, and, his granddaughters. Everything seemed okay with them. He was critically sensitive about that it had been only eight months since his wife had died. I was sensitive to that issue too, but, regardless, I just laid it all out there, I truly loved him and told him so.

“From the time I met him to the time he moved in with me was four months. We both knew it was meant to be. It’s been nine years and we are as happy as two clams. I say to single seniors, don’t wait around, jump in and swim, you will enjoy the water.

The senior dating age difference

Char commented on their ages. “Lee was 82 at the time, 13 years older. He was reluctant at first to share that info with me. He did a week later. I couldn’t have cared less, I was totally hooked by that time. He’s a very vital man, mentally and physically, he does most of the work around the house because of my health issues (bad arthritis) and he takes a nice long walk almost daily.

“He seemed ageless, sharp as a tack, in good shape, and the best part is he made me laugh a lot and that’s the cherry on top for me; we laugh every day. His sense of humor was all that mattered.

“The blue chair started it all, had he not been struggling with it I would have walked right by and missed the love of my life.

Senior dating a higher power at work?

“Regarding the ‘higher power’ possibility, I’m generally a skeptic about stuff like that but our meeting sure was unusual: the chair, my strong feelings, and the whole thing happening so quickly. I think there was a higher power that brought us together.

“I’m laughing when I say I think another reason Lee moved here was I’m a really good cook and I cooked for him, maybe that’s what won him over. He has a huge sweet tooth and I made him my special pineapple upside-down cake, it’s a double-layered thing, and super moist.

“I hope our story will be helpful for others who might be ‘sitting on the fence.’”

Tom’s final thoughts

There are five key lessons for senior singles from today’s story:

1. When you are out and about, don’t hesitate to be assertive, as Char was when she said, “I’m betting on the chair!” That started a conversation between two strangers that led to love.

2. Singles should carry a contact information card with them in case they meet someone with whom they’d like to spend time.

3. Follow your heart. When a relationship feels right, go for it.

4. Communicate your feelings, as Char did when Lee waited a week to see her.

5. Don’t let an age difference stop you from loving someone. Char and Lee have been together for nine years.

How many days a week should seniors see each other when they don’t live together?

How often should a senior couple see each other when they don’t live together?

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

December 29, 2022

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

(Note from Tom: The name below has been changed to Joyce by request)

Champ Joyce, 74, emailed this week, “I have been reading your articles for years. Partly because of your encouragement, I recently found love in my 70s on Match.com.

“For seniors, It is hit or miss with online dating sites. I was on and off different sites for 10 years. In the past, I even answered newspaper ads. A long time ago, I met a man on Quest (telephone only no pictures before the internet). That relationship lasted 10 years.

“Recently, I was only on the free Match (2 matches a day for a month). I saw an ad for a man aged 68, six-years younger, living in the town next to where I live. He mentioned that he didn’t drink, which is important to me.

“I contacted him, and we met for coffee and hit it off right away. What I did differently this time was having pictures taken at JC Penney’s, so when a guy asked me how recent my pictures were, I could honestly say, ‘They are current.’

“We’ve been together for four months. He is the kindest man I’ve ever met. For Christmas, he gave me a 55″ smart TV with a beautiful stand. He also gave me emerald and diamond earrings. For my birthday in October, he gave me a diamond-chip necklace. I thought the expensive gifts meant the relationship was getting stronger.

“However, there’s been a slight change. He was at my house this evening, putting up the TV. Imagine my surprise when he said he’d be more comfortable if we would only see each other twice a week, sometimes three times a week.

“The only time he ever lived with a woman was when he was married and that was a long time ago. He’s lived alone in his house for 22 years. I guess he’s a loner and interested in a senior part-time girlfriend. If something seems too good to be true, sometimes it is.

I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown. I wanted to share this with you.

Tom’s comment: I wrote back to Joyce: “I like your attitude, enthusiasm, and wisdom. I agree with your staying with him. And who knows? As he realizes how even more wonderful you are, he may say ‘Three days a week, and occasionally four days.’ He obviously cares, he wouldn’t have given you those incredible gifts.

Many seniors want alone time and cherish their independence. They don’t want to live under the same roof. However, most would like to be in a committed relationship and see each other 3-4 times a week. There is nothing wrong with that

“Senior love is challenging, sometimes difficult, and different when compared to earlier years. All of us bring some baggage into a new relationship. For example, ex-spouses could be still lingering, or kids or grandkids could present challenges. Or, we may have health issues.

Most of us—not all–don’t want to get married again (some have never married). Most want to stay in our own homes if we are blessed enough to own one. LAT (Living Apart Together) relationships are becoming more and more common among seniors.

We don’t need to be together 24/7 as most seniors cherish their independence, but not so much that it damages their relationship. We don’t want drama. However, we demand an exclusive relationship.

Most seniors love hugs. One thing almost all of us crave is having a warm, affectionate, caring, understanding, communicative, and huggable mate. We want and need companionship.

I think Joyce has that with her younger man. She should Let It Be, as the Beatles sang in 1970. She’ll just have to roll with the flow and keep a bit of an eye on how the relationship is progressing. If warning signs surface, then she may have some tough decisions to make.

Link to Let it Be

Widower seeks clarity

Tom first published this eBook in 2010 on the Smashwords.com website. Has the dating scene changed for widowed people since then? Yes and no. Today’s story shows that it still can be a Mine Field and not a Gold Mine.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter December 9, 2022
A Widower Seeks Clarity By Columnist Tom Blake

Tom’s note: All names have been changed and grammar adjusted

A widower seeks clarity

An email arrived last week: “My name is Ben and I’m reaching out to you after recently visiting your website.”

Ben wrote, “I’m 62 and became widowed unexpectantly in October 2020, when my wife, Ruth, died from a heart attack.

“We were married 29 years and have three children. Our children are 17 (living with me), 21 (away at university), and, 25 (living with me since Ruth died). I also have my 89-year-old mother living at my home in a self-contained apartment. My son is going to be moving out by spring 2023.

“Ruth’s closest friend was Abby. They have been friends since college, for 37 years. Abby and I became friends because of her friendship with Ruth. I know both of Abby‘s ex-husbands and her two children from her first marriage. Abby has not been in a relationship for five years.

“Before either of us had married, Abby and I had a little one-time fling while drinking too much at a party. She lives on the West Coast; I live in the eastern part of the country.

Flash forward to June 2022

Ben continued, “I felt a need to get away this summer and just have some me time after dealing with and managing grief for myself and for my children and managing my business. Abby and I have been in communication through the years and more so after Ruth’s passing.

“I texted Abby, mentioning that I was taking a five-day vacation to the West Coast, and asked her to join me. I mentioned that I thought it would be fun. She replied immediately and agreed. She reminded me that she had been celibate for five years. I mentioned that I was glad she told me and that I just wanted her company. I confirmed I would be a total gentleman.

“I went in mid-July. During the trip, we were getting closer and closer and finding out things about each other. Plus, we were having an emotional time together reminiscing about Ruth.

“At the end of the five days, Abby wound up flying back home with me to visit longer and to visit her sister who lives two hours away from me. Abby told me numerous times that we were soulmates, and that I was the teammate she had been looking for. We talked in radical honesty.

“During that period, we shared deep and pleasant conversations regarding our feelings for each other. We were planning to move her into my home in the east and were working on the renovation plan for the new bedroom, planning on buying a new bed, dishes, etc. Then, she unexpectedly lost the lease on her apartment out west.

“In early November, she made a decision that everything was going way too fast, and she wanted to slow it down. Her life was in turmoil because she had no home and her daughter who lives near her was needing her and the timing was just not good for us. She is incredibly busy growing her internet-based consulting business. Abby needed to get her own apartment. All of her belongings, car, etc., were out west; it was just too much in her head.

“Abby signed a short-term lease on a new apartment. She mentioned in a text that her plan may be to pack up everything in August and drive to my place.

“We still text most days, but I am giving her space and not texting as often. Also, I am leaving the emotion of how I feel out of the texts. I am showing her that I am thinking about her every day by virtue of the texts. They are shorter and about what I did that day or a photo of what I am having for dinner, kids’ birthdays, etc.

“Although my kids have known Abby all their lives, I understand they are probably not ready for this. But I do feel that I am in love with Abby. I’ve been in love in the past, obviously with Ruth and I am not meaning to compare, but it’s a different feeling of love and intensity than with Ruth. I haven’t felt like dating. I am not on dating sites and have turned down advances from other women.

“All this emotion came on quickly at least when compared to anything from the past and with Abby also saying the same thing. What I’m trying to figure out is how much the prior 37-year friendship with Abby has to do with me having such intense–in a great way–emotions for her versus some sort of comfort that I’m seeking because of the death of Ruth?”

Tom’s nine thoughts on Ben’s saga

Champs, I’d like your opinions on this saga. Here are nine thoughts from me that come to mind:

1. Why did Abby have a sudden change of heart and drop the bomb on Ben out of the blue? Didn’t she consider his feelings? What triggered her action?
That’s not how one treats a soulmate.

2. Did Abby give up her celibacy? I’m guessing she did. Perhaps she regrets that.

3. Is this long-distance relationship possible? A distance of 3,000 miles isn’t simply the next town over.

4. In August 2023, will Abby move in with Ben? He will still have one son and his mother living in the house. Egad, would that work? He says his kids might not be ready for Abby to move in. Is Ben willing to wait eight months? Does he realize that Abby might change her mind and decide to not move to be with Ben? If so, he’s wasted those eight months waiting for more disappointment.

5. What about Abby’s daughter? Is Abby willing to leave her on the West Coast?

6. What the hell does ‘radical honesty’ mean?

7. What happens if Abby meets someone before August? Or Ben meets someone?

8. Ben asks in the final paragraph why he has such intense feelings for Abby. I don’t think it matters why. That’s what love is. However, love can be blind and cloud clear thinking.

9. At least Ben throttled back on the texting. Should he just have said, ‘Adios?’ instead?

I’m all ears. Let me know your thoughts.

Wednesdays are never dull

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

DECEMBER 2, 2022

By Columnist Tom Blake

Wednesdays are never dull

I allowed a dumb thing to happen this Wednesday. I received an email earlier in the week titled “Seeking Clarity” from a widower of two years that in a nutshell had to do with a woman he has been dating. It was lengthy, close to 1,000 words. He wanted to consult with me over the phone.

I read it and immediately felt it had enough widower-dating information to make an interesting eNewsletter for you Champs. Frankly, it’s been a bit difficult to generate meaningful topics since Greta passed away a month ago. My battery is a bit spent.

Anyway, I emailed back to him saying I’d be happy to consult with him and that I’d like to use his story in this week’s eNewsletter and asked for his permission to do so. Four days went by without a response.

So, Wednesday I realized I’d better get a newsletter written for today. I decided to use his story and started editing the material. I changed the names of the people involved and their locations just to protect myself. The project took close to four hours. I finally had what I thought was a worthwhile newsletter that you Champs would respond to.

Around 2 p.m., I got a response from him saying there were some items of information he did not want included and to hold the presses. So, here I had a completed eNewsletter for this week with which I was pleased. And I couldn’t use it. The dumb thing was that I invested four hours without being 100 percent sure it was okay with him. One would think that after 28 years of writing columns, I’d have been smarter than that. Again, I just haven’t been thinking clearly for the last month due to my loss of my mate for 25 years.

So what happened? I’ve been trying to senior downsize and get rid of stuff lately. I looked at one of the boxes in the living room that was filled with 136 Writer’s Digest Magazines, dated from 1987 through 2011. I don’t want to just pitch them out. I used these magazines to learn how to write and how to hone my writing back even before I became a columnist. I attribute the tips in those magazines to helping me learn the trade. Perhaps, a Champ or two will come up with an idea of what I can do with those magazines.

Also, I noticed, on top of the pile, a magazine titled “55 Plus. For Active Adults in Central New York.” It was dated June/July 2011. There was a promo on the front cover that read, “Seniors Using Online Dating Steadily Increasing.”

I started reading the article. It said, “The number of seniors who use online dating services is expected to skyrocket in the coming years…”

I said to myself, “Just for fun, I’ll read this article to see how online dating has changed since 2011.”

Paragraph five blew my mind. It said, “Tom Blake, an Orange County Register columnist and author of several books about finding love after the age of 50, said that more than half of 50 couples he surveyed for a recent book (How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, published in 2009) indicated that they found their current significant others on Internet dating sites.

The next paragraph read, “I was surprised by that,” said Blake, who also publishes a free e-Newsletter for older singles simply called the Tom Blake Newsletter. “And even more interesting was that one site, Match.com, blew away the competition, based on what the people said about their experiences with different sites.

“Changing attitudes are a big part of why so many more people over 50 are dating again,” Blake said. “Some people may elect to never marry again after a divorce, but they are looking to cohabitate.”

I had even more words of wisdom in that article but that’s enough for now. I can’t remember being interviewed by Aaron Gifford, the person who wrote the piece. Finding that story was the result of me being so dumb earlier in the day by writing for four hours, only to put that eNewsletter in the can, to be used in the future.

And here is a surprising coincidence. In the U.S. mail on Wednesday, a condolences card about my losing Greta a month ago arrived in the mailbox. It was from a woman who said, “My ex-boyfriend and I, Susan and Ward, are Chapter 35 in your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book. Our chapter is titled, Seeking an ‘intelligent and solvent’ man. Then she went on to explain why they aren’t together anymore. And then my worn-out Wednesday brain started thinking, “Humm, maybe that could be a future eNewsletter topic!”

My book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 is available on Amazon and my www.Finding Love After 50.com website or email me directly for a special price and signed copy.

So anyway, I hope I also get to use that initial column I wrote for today’s article soon. Knowing you Champs, I think you’d have a field day from what the widower wrote.

Around here, Wednesdays are never dull.

Happy Thanksgiving

Road runner crop — Roadrunner at the Indian Canyons Golf Course Outdoor restaurant (photo by Tom Blake November 2023 while dining)

Instead of picking on a poor turkey this Thanksgiving week, this roadrunner is pictured at Indian Canyons Golf Resort South Restaurant (open to the public) in Palm Springs. Ca. Don’t drop food; she’ll out-peck you.

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

November 24, 2022

Brief eNewsletter This Thanksgiving 2023 Week

By Columnist Tom Blake

Happy Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving Week. A brief column today while thinking of Greta Cohn, my partner of 25 years, who passed away October 29.

However, as I often do, I have a song for you. In honor of Greta and the roadrunner pictured above, the song is “All The Roadrunning” by Emmylou Harris and Mark Knopfler, a strong favorite of mine. Here’s All the Roadrunning link

I dedicate this song to a friend who helped me for a short time after the passing of Greta. If she’s reading this eNewsletter today, she probably understands why it’s dedicated to her.

See you next week. Send in your stories.