On Life and Love after 50 – On Life and Love after 50

Two Tuesdays in July 2025

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

by Tom Blake Columnist

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled The Sound of Silence. It was based on a Paul Simon concert that my significant other Debbie and I attended in Long Beach, California on Tuesday, July 8.

Here are a few responses from Champs to that eNewsletter.

Kathy, “OM Gosh great newsletter! Saw Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel twice – last time was some months after 9/11/01 at Madison Square Garden and the other time was way back in the 60’s before they became who they became. I’ve been an ardent admirer of Simon forever and think of him as a genius.

I’ve seen the movie The Graduate several hundreds of times Scarborough Fair is one of my favorite songs as is April Come She Will but there is a Simon and Garfunkel song that I think is hauntingly beautiful and ranks as one of this gal’s favorites; For Emily whenever I might find her.

I love that Paul also wrote a song with my name in it, Kathy’s Song. Good memories, great music.

Carmen, My high school classmate, “My favorite line from the song is “The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls and tenement halls …

“I also liked Kodachrome.

“I dated a woman when I worked in Mexico City who dated Paul once.”

SW, a woman co-worker at the Victoria Station restaurant chain. “Beautiful column, Tom!!

“I went through a phase of listening to one of the Simon and Garfunkel CDs in my car this year – absolutely love them – and The Graduate!

Margo, “In college, I took a film class. I made a movie using the music and lyrics to “The Sound of Silence.” I think it was pretty good. I’m disappointed I never went back and retrieved the films I created. It remains one of my favorites.”

Gloria, “Another newsletter near and dear to my heart. The Sound of Silence.

“I have always loved the song and most of the other songs you mentioned; The Boxer, Slip Sliding Away and Homeward Bound.

“I saw The Graduate a few times. One of my other favorite songs is Mrs. Robinson. When my grandchildren were smaller, I would take them out for pizza and played that song in the car as we all sang along. To this day, if any of them hear it, they text or call me and tell me all about it.

“Such insight from Simon to have written those words so long ago.”

Francine “Simon and Garfunkel both grew up in Forest Hills, Queens (NYC) where I lived from 1965-1968. Forest Hills is home to the Tennis Stadium which used to have a lot of concerts. I lived right down the street and heard the concerts for free, including Simon and Garfunkel. The Graduate was an amazing movie.

Ted, a high school classmate, married 60 + years: “The Sound of Silence is my favorite Simon & Garfunkel song. Closing the show with it was perfect! Yes, Debbie won the one-dollar bet. Where have the year’s gone?”

Beckie “I’m probably not the 1st one to tell you the song was on a 33rpm record, not a 78rpm as you mentioned. “The Graduate. Fine movie, wonderful songs.”

Julie, “All your columns are wonderful, but this one is my new favorite. You have a way of tying things together and putting the reader right inside these events! Who doesn’t love The Graduate and Simon and Garfunkel?

“This is how I live my life too! Acting on opportunities that seem to drop in my lap. I guess you and I both connect with people. Our open minds and hearts keep the fun coming from many unexpected places (e.g., The Racker neighbors)

“May you continue to experience these fruits of your relationship-building, and a life well lived! Including the physical stamina to climb into a concert venue. I’m cheering for you!”

Carolyn, “Wow! Loved reading this beautiful eNewsletter! Jake and Kresta Racker are amazing friends to have!

“As of this April, Simon and Garfunkel were speaking again and talking about a possible concert featuring both. I always keep hope alive for this make-up, break-up duo. I love them and value their delicious music. Always so heartfelt and true.

“Super happy that Simon came out at the end to sing that beautiful Sound Of Silence. (Debbie won the $1 bet fair and square!) Fingers crossed that I shall see them sing together one last time. The Graduate has always been a fan favorite”! Phenomenal acting!”

Tom’s speech on Tuesday, July 15

Approximately 50 people attended my speech at the Susi Q Senior Center in Laguna Beach. I was pleased that the events coordinator Christine Brewer had all the equipment working perfectly. My buddy Jim Fallon advanced the Power Point slides with a remote gadget when I gave him the nod. Overall, I thought it went well.

Champ Wayne mentioned to me that the ratio of single women to single men attending to be about 5 to one.

For me, the heroes among the attendees were Ray and Libby Freer, a couple in their mid-80s who married in June 2024. In the slides, I had included as the final slide a photo of them walking down the aisle after their marriage as a sign of hope that romance can happen after age 80. There had been a gap of 70 years since they had seen each other. I didn’t know they were coming to the speech. Both shared their story and advice with the audience during the Q & A at the end.

In particular, Ray stressed that a characterists-wanted in a mate list I had included in the February 10, 2023, eNewsletter helped him and Libby decide they were well suited for each other to marry. I checked the archives and found that list and am including it here.

Tom’s Suggested List Of Characters Wanted in a Mate

1 He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect

2. I am physically attracted to him. And he to me

3. We must enjoy being together and feel comfortable

4. He must not smoke or take drugs

5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses

6. He takes care of his health

7. He must be available to see me three to four times per week

8. We don’t have to have similar interests, but similar core values

9. He must be kind and considerate to others

10. We must agree on politics

11. Our religious beliefs don’t have to be the same, but neither of us can be zealots or closed-minded to the partner’s beliefs

12. He must be open to having a new relationship. We must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates without the other person feeling jealous or compared to. If a person talks about a former mate incessantly, that person is likely not for you.

End list

Yes, it was a busy two Tuesdays in July.

Finding Love at 30,000 feet

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

Tom Blake Columnist

The May 9 eNewsletter was titled, “A senior man’s first-date jitters.” The man was Bill, and he described his date with Jackie. Bill felt Jackie didn’t have an interest in him. They didn’t go out again. In that article, I shared my opinion about Bill’s date.

There were many responses expressed by Champs, offering advice for both Bill and Jackie on how each could have improved their hour-long date.

Two weeks later, Champ Mike emailed me about that May 9 eNewsletter.

Mike wrote, “You, Tom, do appear to be a very nice, compassionate guy in your response to Bill. Frankly, I thought there were enough clues early in the date for Bill to cut the date short and say, ‘It’s been nice meeting you’ and leave.

“I was divorced and single from age 45-60. I dated first with referrals from friends, then dating services like “It’s Just Lunch,” and finally tried some online dating sites.

“I found my love at 60 and have now been married 20 years.”

I responded to Mike: “How did you meet your wife? Online? Or otherwise?

Mike wrote, “I met my wife on a Delta flight. She was a Delta Flight Attendant. It was on one of the first flights leaving Cincinnati after 9/11. The airplane, a 757, was virtually empty, very spooky.

“Everyone was nervous to fly, including the employees

I was traveling with, and my son, to visit my brother in Hartford.

I was seated in first class, no other passengers were up there, and Kathie was the Flight Attendant. We talked for the entire 2-hour flight. I thought she had to be married, but my son said he didn’t see a wedding ring.

“A few months later, I ran into Kathie at the airport as I was leaving for a flight, she was leaving at the gate next to mine. I immediately asked for a dinner date. She accepted, but due to our travel schedules, it was a couple of months before we could. When the day arrived, she preferred to pick me up, since she had two kids, age 2 and 4, at home.

“When she arrived, standing in the doorway framed by the overhead light, she took my breath away. Unrecognizable from her plain flight attendant uniform, she was stunningly beautiful. I never dated anyone else again. We dated for two years, were engaged for one year, and this June 4th was our 20th anniversary. As close to love at first sight as it gets.”

As often happens with Champ’s stories, Mike’s story struck a chord with me. In 1963, after serving in the Navy during the Vietnam War, I was discharged from the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Fallon, Nevada. I boarded a military flight in Fallon to the Bay Area, where I was to catch an American Airlines flight to Detroit, near where my parents and sisters lived in Jackson, Michigan.

The military flight was delayed, so I missed my AAL flight home. I rebooked an overnight flight from SFO to Detroit for that night. Like Mike’s story, I spent at least two hours on that flight talking with the stewardess (that’s what they were called then).

Her name was Linda. She was based in Chicago, and we dated for several months while I was at the University of Michigan Business School getting my MBA. To see each other, she would schedule flights with layovers in Detroit. I would pick her up in my rattle-trap ’57 Chevy at Detroit’s Metro Airport.

After graduation, I worked for AAL so we met often. She was, like Mike’s wife Kathie, a cutie. I clipped out a Fortune Magazine American Airlines advertisement in June 1965, because it reminded me of Linda.

Sixty-five years later, I have the original of that advertisement buried somewhere in my garage archives. I found a copy online, which is the photo above, entitled “People keep stealing our stewardesses.” I was one of those guys, sort of.

The small print in that ad reads, “Within two years, most of our stewardesses will leave us for other men. This isn’t surprising. A girl who can smile for 5 ½ hours is hard to find. Not to mention a wife who can remember what 124 people want for dinner…”

However, the relationship with Linda fizzled out due to long distance.

But, my infatuation with flight attendants didn’t end then; I married a Pan Am flight attendant four years later in NYC.

If there is a lesson to be learned from today’s eNewsletter –- and it’s a stretch, I admit — if you’re single and when you travel, strike up a conversation with flight attendants (now both women and men), train conductors, pilots, and other fellow travelers, you just might meet the love of your life. Mike’s story and my story are proof that love can happen at 30,000 feet.

Share with us how you met the love of your life while traveling.

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Heaven’s Ladder

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 31, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Heaven’s Ladder

I’ve been receiving far too many emails and messages lately from Champs whose spouses or significant others have passed away. Many have been from men, who have lost their significant others. I thought men usually passed away first.

In October 2024, Champ Joel’s wife Wendy of 12 years passed away. There have been many other similar situations.

A few of the men who have written me are my junior high school and high school classmates. That doesn’t surprise me. Why? Because the men in my class are in their mid-80s; we graduated from Jackson High School in Jackson, Michigan, in 1957.

I don’t intend to dwell on this depressing subject, but I’d like to share a poem from Ed Hatch, a JHS classmate, that he emailed me last week. Ed’s wife of 57 years, Elke, passed away on November 24, 2024, at age 77.

Background information on them will help you understand why I am including the poem today. Ed attended Haverford College as an undergraduate—and studied English and German. After graduating in 1961, he taught American Studies in Mainz, Germany.

Elke was born in Germany. At age 16, she spent a year as an exchange student at The University of Michigan. In 1966, she began her studies in Mainz. One day she walked into Ed’s classroom, and he noticed her and felt she was attractive.

Despite the eight-year age difference and nationality difference, they met and started a romance. They married a year later on December 30, 1967, in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where UM is located. At that time, Ed was enrolled in German studies there.

Ed became a teacher of German at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Elke earned a PhD in German Literature and worked as a translator and taught German at the University of Dayton for 30 years. German was their household language. She and Ed have three children and four grandchildren.

After Elke passed away, her sister sent Ed a poem she had received in the mail. It was written in German. Ed made a “rough and hurried” translation of the poem into English and sent me a copy.

As I read it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I decided to share it with you Champs today. It is so beautiful and relatable to anyone who has had a loved one or a friend or animal pass away.

And as we Champs age, we encounter losses more and more. This poem will warm your heart. Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem “Heaven’s Ladder”

Hello, dear friend below, sometimes I see you crying, see your sadness and tears, and that’s why I want to say: My earthly clothing I’ve left behind because I don’t need it here at home, where I am very near to you, and always in your heart. I truly count each heartbeat. Believe me, when I say, only those whom we do not miss have in fact truly died. And since I am not in your life, I am a part of your soul, I am a part of who you are, and I shall never leave you alone.

Understand, I am in fact at home. I did not leave; I only went ahead. I went there where it all began, where in the future…we shall meet. So, because it is good, love life as I also loved life. And as you go, keep smiling. Simply smile for me as you go. Nothing and no one can separate usnot even what we call death.

Death cannot destroy love, and because you love me, it will remain. When the wind caresses your hair, simply know that it was I. I sit on the ladder to heaven. And love you from here above.

Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem Heaven’s Ladder has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem has helped me.
And Ed is now a Champ, a member of our eNewsletter group.

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

January 15, 2025

By Columnist Tom Blake

Patricia and Cowboy of Cut Bank, Montana

In November 2007, when my eNewsletter was titled “Finding Love After 50”, I received an email from a woman who lived in San Luis Obispo, California. She wrote, “I have been on Match.com off and on for several years, but I am not attracting the type of person I want. Twenty-five percent of the responses are from bikers so I must have something in my profile that attracts them.”

I included both her quote and my response to her in the eNewsletter. I said: “You are likely attracting bikers because they like to visit San Luis Obispo and would have someone to party with while ‘in town.’ For some reason, I picture those two buffoons in the movie Sideways, which was filmed near San Luis Obispo.

Another subscriber, Patricia, took issue with my words. She wrote, “I live in Paso Robles where they filmed much of the movie Sideways. Many ‘bikers’ live and work in the area and aren’t just passing through to party with someone.

“Two years ago, when I was 52, I read a profile on Match of a man, 53, whose road name is Cowboy that said, ‘Don’t let the biker thing scare you off. We are not a bad group; you might want to meet me before you make a judgment. A lot of us are real nice men.’

As a quirk of fate, Patricia met Cowboy, but it wasn’t online. She met him through friends when Cowboy was operating a backhoe in the friend’s yard. Their story was so unusual and inspiring, I included it the How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book I published in 2009.

Last week, 17 years later, Champ Patricia emailed “My husband Cowboy is amazing. Cowboy just had a total knee replacement on September 23rd, and he has been mobile and active for a couple of weeks.

“Everyone in Cut Bank (Montana), where we live now, knows what a big heart Cowboy has and people don’t hesitate to call him for help. Recently, he picked up an elderly man friend and carried him to his house because the man was too weak to get there by himself.

“Well, he just left the house to clear the snow off a couple’s driveway. The skid steer wouldn’t start, so he’s doing it by hand with a shovel! The couple needs to get his wife to physical therapy because she just had a knee replacement, and they can’t get their car out.

“How ironic is that? So off Cowboy went to help, with his knee already complaining about the 106 mile, 1 ½ hour drive each way, to Great Falls and back yesterday!

“I’m praying that Cowboy doesn’t do any harm to his knee. He’s getting the other knee replaced in just over a week, so he especially needs this knee to keep healing!

“I have intercepted a couple of calls to him and suggested they ask the local high school football team to help instead of my husband when they just need brute strength. Cowboy’s 72, and I don’t want him to injure his back or something else because he has too big of a heart to say no.”

I responded to Patricia and she wrote back, “It’s been 19 years since Cowboy and I met on October 13, 2005. Time sure flies, and the older we get, the faster it goes! I had a recent fall in October similar to your significant other Debbie’s recent fall, slamming the side of my head on the hardwood floor at home. I had a lovely black eye for two weeks. We knew to go to the ER for a CT scan, and, fortunately, I checked out okay.

“One advantage of a small town is that the hospital is only five minutes away, and I was the only patient in the ER! Much different from Mission Hospital where Debbie went. I’ve been there a couple of times, back when I lived in Dana Point. It’s a madhouse! I hope this finds you both happy and Debbie well on the road to recovery.”

Tom’s comment

I wrote about Patricia and Cowboy in 2009. Their story, Love On The Back Of A Harley is Chapter 12 in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” A lessons learned printed from Patricia’s and Cowboy’s story reads “While searching for a mate later in life, expand your horizons, reach and thinking. Two of the stories in this book are about women who met men who ride motorcycles and love their men dearly. Coincidentally, both women are named Patricia and both ride on the motorcycles with their men.”

Can you imagine? Champ Patricia and Cowboy met 19 years ago, and still share stories and love with me and you Champs. Let’s hope Cowboy’s second knee replacement is a success. He sounds like a wonderful loving man.

Sea of Photos

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 9, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

In last week’s eNewsletter, Scott, a man in his 50s, asked if he should be concerned when he saw “My True Love” on his widowed girlfriend’s cell phone. It was her deceased husband’s number. Several Champs shared their opinions.

Jane emailed, “My first thought when I read this was what a sweet response the woman gave to Scott when he saw ‘My True Love’ on her cellphone, describing her husband before he passed away.

“She could have said, ‘Yes, he was my only true love’ but instead she said, ‘I’ll have to come up with another name for you.’

“I am a very nick-name-kind-of-person. Giving someone a special name to me means they are loved and have a place in my heart.

“I hope Scott can get past his insecurity. His woman sounds like a keeper.”

Tom’s comment: Jane makes a strong point about nicknames and affectionate terms we create for people we love and care about. I use “Speedo” as Debbie’s nickname, and she uses “Myrtle” as my nickname. Always stated with a smile.

Alicia, “At my age, 72, it will not be surprising that I may come across this situation myself. It was a good refresher for me to see one of the responses you posted about my brother.

“Update on him: he and his 2nd wife were married for a couple of years and divorced. He continues to say he can’t wait to join his first wife in heaven and still cries for her.

“He is the type of man who doesn’t want to be alone, he has a new lady friend. It’s his life and I want him to be happy.

“She told him she was not interested in a serious relationship and wanted no physical benefits. He continues to do handyman favors for her and is willing to pay for trips and dinners. Well, at 74, he needs to live his life his way. He says she is fun to be around, so at least he’s enjoying himself.

Tom’s comment: “Trips and ongoing dinners with no benefits? I’m guessing but I imagine some of our men Champs, including me, won’t go for that arrangement. However, as men reach 70, some might accept the senior no-sex aspect.

Jim, “The reader in last week’s eNewsletter who stated ‘just move on’ probably had a divorce which is much different than having a spouse or mate pass away.

“Many widowed people usually think more about their past love than divorced people think about theirs.”

Leslie (name changed by request), emailed, “I dated a very nice widower after my divorce, whom I met on Match.com. He treated me well, was funny, and was very smart.

“But upon visiting his home he had a wall-to-wall shrine to his dearly departed wife. The focal point was a HUGE portrait of her, with smaller photos bedecking every flat surface.

“I. Just. Couldn’t. I understand his attachment. It must have been a horrible loss for him when she passed. But visiting him was a total immersion in a sea of photos, mementos, and ephemera.

Tom’s comment: I admit I had to look up the meaning of the word ephemera. It’s a noun meaning things like old papers, letters, and boxes that are meant to be used for only a short period and then can be tossed away.

Also, I liked Leslie’s “sea of photos” reference. It made me think of a 1958 hit song by Don Gibson, called “Sea of Heartbreak.” It’s an oldie but goodie, the link is below.

Leslie continued, “I quit seeing him because it was obvious that he needed more time to grieve for her. I have enough friends already. I wanted at least an available partner.

“He is not a “Match” for me, I’m afraid. I’m not saying that the place should be stripped of all evidence. But I AM saying that it takes a special person to be ok with dating in what is, essentially, a museum of constant reminders of how perfect this past spouse was. That’s great, but it’s not for me.”

Bruce, “I will always have some mementos of my deceased wife in my home for my kids to see, if for nothing else. It is what it is as far as I am concerned.”

Christine, (expert dating and relationship coach), “I have a divorced client who is dating a widower and saw a FB post that called his widow the love of his life, and my client called me before she said anything to him. I was sympathetic to how she felt. Non-widowed people often have this feeling.

“I explained ‘she isn’t here’ and ‘can’t come back’ (like her ex-husband) and confirmed how he treats her.

“We also talked about what a loving man he is to her and part of the reason is because he loved his late wife so much. She returned to the man and told him she adored how much he loved his late wife and how proud she was to be with a man who posted such a loving message to her on FB.”

Tom’s ending comments

We all grieve differently. Having photos and mementos of a deceased spouse or loved one is natural. Everyone I know who has lost a special person has photos and other memory items in his or her home.

When we start dating again, we will remove some of these items but not all. Potential new partners must be prepared for those items and accept them. Losing love can be a “Sea of Heartbreak.” And finding love again is a compromise on both sides of the fence.

However, as Leslie stated above, if the new person’s home is a shrine to their deceased love, they are likely not ready for anyone else to enter their life.

Link to Sea of Heartbreak:

Sea of Heartbreak

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”

Losing love and dealing with the pain

On Life and Love After 50 e-Newsletter July 6, 2024

Overcoming the pain of losing a mate

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

On October 29, 2022, my partner, Greta, of 25 years, passed away. Five months later, I mustered the courage to write the May 5, 2023 eNewsletter titled Five Women Share Their Views on Losing Love and Dealing With The Pain. The responses from readers to that column were numerous.

Carolyn, emailed, “I just finished reading your most excellent eNewsletter. As is often stated, ‘Life Is For The Living!’ We can always think and remember the good times and the love we shared with our mate who has passed on, but it is necessary to find another companion.

“I lost my close friend and companion on April 10, 2020 (Good Friday). He contracted Covid-19 before authorities knew what was killing people so rapidly. He was sick in December 2019, but it was thought to be pneumonia. After that, all his organs started to fail.

“I am seeing a man who treats me well, buys me flowers and books I like, and treats me to fantastic Broadway shows.

“He is a wonderful man who makes me laugh so much. Plus, a fantastic conversationalist! His wife also passed away. He said right off the bat that he didn’t want to remain lonely anymore. Nor I.

“I am hoping Tom that you find someone who makes you happy and you can have wonderful conversations with. Life is short so we all had better get out there and enjoy it to the max!

Pat, 76, “I have been a subscriber to your eNewsletter for many years and this is the first time I am responding.

“I was widowed at age 53 in 2000 after 32 years of marriage. The following September my only daughter gave birth to identical twin girls. So, I had something to focus on after losing my husband (I was a caregiver for many years as he had MS).

“The thought of dating didn’t enter my mind for years. When my granddaughters became teenagers, I found I needed more in my life and joined a dating site. I dated two men each for two years but knew there had to be someone I could connect to. So, I kept at it – it was like a job.

“I recognized the scammers and finally met an honest man who lives 15 minutes from me. He was a widower. We started dating and two years later we are happy together. I would never have met him if it hadn’t been for the Senior People site.

“Life is too short – especially at our ages. I never thought I would find someone at this age that I would care for so much and have such a terrific relationship with.

“My advice to you is to stick with it and you will find the right person. The old saying “You have to kiss a few frogs to find your prince” is true. Take care & lots of luck in the dating world!”

Deanne emailed, “The worst part of widowhood for me is becoming one. For 33 years I was a party of two. We were the dynamic duo and the word lonely didn’t exist. I just can’t seem to get used to being without someone who was such a big part of me.

“And not having someone to talk to, laugh with, and share life with is the worst pain I have experienced because it’s never-ending. This comes from a girl who experienced a Caesarean section with no anesthesia and lived to talk about it. My pain threshold is high, but surgery heals, and I just can’t seem to heal my heart.”

Thyrza emailed, “Everything you wrote last week about loneliness after a loved one has gone is so true. Loneliness and longings for the departed beloved sucks. Given my experience in my marriage, it took me 10 years to get the courage to start looking. My oldest daughter would encourage me to give myself another chance.

“I joined Match.com. I met a few frogs, but I persisted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with an empty feeling. I enjoyed my three grands but having someone in my life to share my thoughts, feelings of joy and sadness, and the physical aspect of loving someone is a treasure.

“I found a man. It just takes patience and an open mind to find that person. To me, there is no time frame in which to find a new relationship. Looking back, I wish I’d had a different mindset then. Ten years is a long time to realize that loneliness sucks. Sooner is better!”

Dee, “I understand the need to find love again. I don’t want to just be friends although it could start that way. At my stage in life, I want warp speed. And from one member of our club (which we never imagined being members of) to another, it all sucks!

“I work late so I don’t have to be home as the sun sets (just too many memories for me). This is not the life I planned, this is not what I could have ever imagined happening and I want a new beginning.

“My friends are all married or in long-term relationships. They don’t get it and I would never want them to be in my shoes. But I would like to find that special person to walk alongside me, hold my hand, and make me feel good again. And a hug, wow that strong arm around me. Yes, I’m truly missing that.

“No one can tell us what is good for us. Our lives, as we knew them, just died. But we are still here and should feel good again. Dating apps serve a purpose. We know the risks and pitfalls. I’m willing to take a chance again. I remain lonely but hopeful. And if I’m lucky enough I will kiss loneliness goodbye.
“You and I know ‘the lonely.’ It doesn’t matter if it’s six months or years; time drags along, and we know that we have become unwilling experts.

Claire emailed: “You, Tom, sound lost. It is understandable.”

Me: Lost? Not lost, just no partner at this point.

My Personal Journey of Recovery

In April 2023, while sitting alone at home and lonelier than heck, I joined Match.com and another site called Zoosk. I hoped to curb my loneliness. I met a couple of women for coffee, a couple for a walk, and sprung for dinner twice.

Two weeks after the eNewsletter was published, on Friday, May 19, I noticed a woman’s profile on Zoosk. Her name was Debbie from Mission Viejo (a half hour away). We exchanged messages on Zoosk and agreed to meet that evening. I was nine years older, which didn’t seem to bother her, at least that’s what she said.

We had much in common. Sports, political affiliation, advanced degrees, love of the ocean and water. And chemistry. I liked her height, 5′ 1″. We started to date on May 19. That was more than a year ago. Like any new couple, we’ve had differences to work out. We are in a committed relationship and both feel blessed we met. Online dating worked for us.

As I mentioned in a recent eNewsletter, Debbie had breast cancer surgery six weeks ago and is recovering nicely. The cancer had not spread. She completed five radiation treatments this week as a precaution to stop a return.
After her fifth treatment this Tuesday, she got to ring the bell signifying that she had completed the radiation treatments, a tradition at The City of Hope Cancer Center.

The sign says, “This course is run, my treatment done. Now I am on my way.”
I imagine several of our Champs have been able to ring a similar bell. Good job cancer survivors. Good job Debbie. The picture of Debbie contemplating the bell is below, taken this Tuesday. Seconds later, she was ringing it with a big smile.

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert

Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
.
I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face.

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for.

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care? -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.) Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent.

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems.

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona.

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away.

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby.

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors.

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine.

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area.

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted!

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though).

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months.

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away.

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time.

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer.

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change.

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly.

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place.

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

Senior Long-Distance Relationships

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 3, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Senior Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs) can work but…

Last week’s eNewsletter featured Gerry, The Golden Bachelor (72), and Theresa (70), the woman he selected to become his wife. They married on January 4, 2024, on live TV.

Three months later, on Good Morning America, they announced they were getting a divorce. Why? They said they couldn’t adjust to being in an LDR (long-distance relationship). Gerry lives in Indiana; Theresa lives in New Jersey; neither wanted to relocate.

One wonders if during the hoopla and excitement of being on national TV, did either person consider how living 1,000 miles apart might affect their marriage? Apparently not.

I thought my article was possibly a yawner. However, several Champs responded favorably. The first comment I received was from Champ Pam, who wrote, “It made me laugh out loud! I thought it was very clever and one of THE BEST you have ever written! It’s a ’10.’” Pam’s words got my Friday headed in the right direction.

What surprised me was the number of responses about the pluses and minuses of senior LDRs. Many seniors are either currently online dating or considering online dating and they realize an LDR might result from online dating.

Champ Andrea wrote, “I lost my husband of 30 years this past October. We had a great marriage and of course, I miss him every day.

“However, at 74, I’m ready to look for my next ‘chapter.’ I have read your blogs regarding catfishing. I live in an age 55+ community (Laguna Woods, Orange County, Calif.) and while there are some single men there, most of the eligible ones are on the ‘needy’ side!”

“What do you think about online dating sites? Any recommendations would be appreciated.”

Andrea realizes that when two people connect via online dating, and a relationship evolves, it usually starts as an LDR.

My question: In the 60-to-80+ age range, can an LDR work? Senior Long-Distance Relationships challenges:

A major consideration is the distance in either time or miles between each other. My rule of thumb is if more than a half-hour drive or 20 miles, it’s too far for me.

And what if one or both don’t drive? Or, if one or both don’t drive at night? One wise Champ said, “There’s always Uber, Lyft, or a new service called Yellow Taxi, so those obstacles can be overcome.”

I reminded her that the roundtrip cost can be prohibitive. In 2023, I took an Uber from my Dana Point home to Laguna Woods, 13.4 miles, and then back. The cost was $52 plus tip.

And what if the new couple wants to be together regularly? Who is going to relocate? That was the downfall of Gerry and Theresa. Neither one of them!

Don’t get me wrong. Some LDRs can and have worked. Take Champ Larry, who currently lives in Florida. He shared his LDR stories after reading last week’s column.

Larry mentioned that 46 years ago, he went to Boston with a buddy who fixed Larry up on a blind date. Larry was smitten with her.

Shortly after they met, he moved to NYC from Chicago. He said, “When I was in New York, I invited her to drive from Boston. The rest was history.”

He added, “We started an LDR as my first job out of graduate school was in Pierre, South Dakota, working in the office of a newly elected Governor, and then later I was recruited to work in the Illinois Governor’s office in Springfield, Illinois. She and I got together bimonthly until I asked her to marry me.

“We married in Boston and 45 years later she died of cancer in our Grand Haven, Michigan, home in hospice care. She was my wife; lover; mother of my children, and best friend and cheerleader for my political profession.”

Would Larry and his wife be able to get together now that he’s in his mid-70s, vs. 46 years ago? Probably not, just too far away.

However, recently he took another chance with another LDR. His children urged him to go online. He did. He said, “I met Liz who lived only four miles away, but it could have been 100. Driving back and forth in traffic, keeping clothing at two locations, meals, and children visiting from out of town are just some of the issues seniors face in even a short-mileage LDR.”

I might add another item to Larry’s list. What happens if the senior who drives forgets his or her meds and absolutely must have them that night? Egad, does that mean going back home and then returning? Or just going home that night and not returning that night? Meds are easy to forget; I’m speaking from experience. Oh my, the challenges of senior dating.

Larry continued, “Liz moved in with me after nearly two years of LDR dating. Now, we are learning a lot about each other and this ‘experiment continues’ with both sets of eyes wide open.

“LDRs for seniors today are even more difficult whether miles away or close.”

(In the small world department, when I first met Larry a few years ago, he mentioned he was going to Grand Haven, Michigan, for the summer. I said to him: “My mom grew up there.” He said, “What was her name?”

I said, “Frances Pardee.” He said, “A man named George Pardee gave me my first job in Grand Haven.” I was dumbfounded.

I said, “George Pardee was my mom’s brother, my uncle.” Larry was equally surprised. Years later, Larry became the city manager of Grand Haven.)

Back to Senior LDRs

Champ Jim also commented about senior LDRs, “It’s too hard to adjust to a new environment or to travel back and forth for a relationship. And what happens if you have a dog or a cat that you leave at home, as I do? Are you going to leave your animal alone for six hours or overnight? That wouldn’t be right.

“And how about the person you’re going to visit? He or she might also have an animal that might not mix well with your pet or might not like you. This is another challenge of senior dating.”

However, Jim admits he is open to traveling a few extra miles for the right woman.

So, when senior dating, and you meet a person who lives x miles away, be prepared to have the LDR discussion–the who, what, when, and how will the LDR challenges be overcome.