Columnist Tom Blake – Page 5 – On Life and Love after 50

Animals and Senior Dating

More comments about animals and senior love

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

by Columnist Tom Blake

September 1, 2023

LJJ, a woman Champ said, “I don’t like dogs. They are sycophants (try to please people) and I’m glad others like them, but they are not for me. I’m ok with cats, if the cats stay off countertops, but you know they go there when we aren’t watching.

“I have a horse. He’s kind. He loves anybody. He’s non-reactive. He listens to me when I ride and he tries very hard to do what I ask him.

“I also have a parakeet. Who also loves anybody. He, however, likes to flap his wings and stuff goes all over. So he’s not allowed on counters here.

“I guess as we age, we get more set in our ways. And this factor could influence dating in our age group.

“If a pet is well-behaved, clean, groomed, and pleasant, I’m fine with that.

But I have dated men in the past that have dogs that get the run of the house, butt scooting, licking, etc. Ugh.

“But that’s how I feel. Not judging if someone else thinks that’s ok. It’s just that I personally don’t want to deal with that.”

Rick, “After my divorce, my ex-wife took two of my greatest loves away from me. Not only did she get custody of my two young kids (for a while), but my two dogs that I considered my other two kids!

“Thank God, she left me with a young pig we had given our boys as a gift, and this animal was so full of love, affection, and appreciation for his dad (me) that I couldn’t believe it.

“I had BRILLIANT dogs. My domestic pig, Rocky, was so amazing that he became my awesome friend. He was housebroken within 3 days, and when he was hungry, he would bring me his dish and sit up, asking for dinner. I never taught him that.

“He slept next to me and when the alarm would go off in the morning, he would kiss my face to make sure I awakened.

“He brought me my slippers, newspaper, and laid by my side as long as I was home. His intelligence level was so superior to my dogs that it was hard to believe, but I saw it and loved him for 8 years. When he died, I felt I had lost the rest of my world.”

Christine Baumgartner, a Champ and relationship coach, said, “I’ve heard this challenge from both men and women about their potential dates as well as their partners. They complain they don’t get as much love and attention from humans as they get from their pets. One of the questions I ask them is, ‘Do you give your human companions the same amount of love and affection you give to your pets?’ If they’re honest they admit the answer is often no.’

“So, I suggest for a month to concentrate on giving the same amount (or even more) attention to their partner and see what happens. It’s been fun to see how many human relationships can be turned into happier ones with this change.

“It’s, of course, important to confirm the type of attention your partner enjoys and makes them feel cared about and loved and do exactly that (even if it’s not the way you feel cared about). It’s often more than a pat on the head or a belly rub like your pet.

“And I’ve found when one person makes this effort the other person starts giving more back.”

FF said, “I find more men have dogs today and bring them everywhere. I don’t like that. I used to have dogs and a cat for 17 years. Loved my cat. Now, I’m a ‘pet-free’ dating woman. It ties you down….

Thyrza emailed, “My guy friend, has ambivalent feelings about dogs. But I am not dating a dog.”

Kim, “When I meet a woman who loves dogs more than people, I think she is governing a fiefdom! In fact, I go as far as to think she is a controller. A major red flag for me. thanks for putting that out there and someone said if you want to know who you resemble, look at the crowd around you! Peace.”

John, “I have a dog and so far he’s been a plus in dating. Then again, I am an animal lover, so I tend to gravitate towards women who have pets.”

Rick, “I agree with the positive role pets can play, as one tries to rebuild their lives after they are left without a man or woman. This is how my animals saved me.

“When my wife of 18 years decided to get a boyfriend, and she managed to get an unfair amount of custody of my two young sons, it broke my heart. I got to see my sons only once every two weeks.

“My two Shelties and my amazingly brilliant domestic pig, Rocky, were there for me every day, and all three were awesome at being my best friends for several years and were probably responsible for me not losing my mental sanity.

“It’s not just women who, while suffering from a devastating breakup, have awesome support, love and great companionship from their ‘four-footed children.’ My pets showed me their love every day and saved my life at its lowest moments.

“Both sexes can be extremely attached to their pet ‘children.’”

Angie said, “Now I have a female dog named Jack (picture of Jack and Angie above) that my was-band (former husband) and I got together, and we let her sleep in the bed. Long story short I think I’m going to be single until the dog passes away.

Currently, “I live in Steamboat Springs Colorado. I hope to travel soon and maybe find a less expensive place to live.

“I doubt if I can train her to sleep elsewhere. She’s seven and has never known anything different, she’s quiet and doesn’t move.

“I ended the relationship- just easier alone.”

Tom’s conclusion: Animals, especially dogs, have a huge influence on senior dating and senior happiness. Next week, we will change to a new senior dating topic. Which one? I don’t know, we will see what the mailbag receives.

Have a great and safe holiday weekend.

Senior dating: Who Pays for the Date?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
August 11, 2023?
Who Pays for The Senior Date By Columnist Tom Blake

Who pays for the senior date?
The man, the woman or do they share?

An email from a long-time Champ inspired today’s eNewsletter.

Cheryl wrote, “I’m 68 and gave up on dating, especially online, because I was getting a lot of overseas scammers and I also experienced a group of men who were classless, meaning, they were cheap.
“I don’t need anyone to pay my way, but in my life, I’ve experienced people who have the means to treat me to the niceties of life and were happy to do it.

“I’m always surprised that women say if a man pays for dinner, the men expect something else, (like a roll in the hay)-so crass. I’m not sure what to think about men who don’t at least buy a drink or a light meal that might make a nice impression. If they don’t, am I to think they might be frugal and the rest of my life with them will be lacking in the things that I enjoy?”

Tom’s response to Cheryl: “I always pay. Sometimes a woman will strongly insist she pays for her own expense on the first date. And if I don’t let her, she will be offended so I let her. However, I’m old-fashioned, I’m very casual when the bill arrives. I’ll break her hand if she reaches for it. That’s how my parents raised me.

Cheryl responded, “I’m glad you shared with me that you pay. I’m not a feminist and also have old-fashioned values even though I have been a businesswoman and savvy real estate and stock investor (only saying this because some of us women are financially stable and not looking to take advantage of men). I guess there’s a group out there who ruins things for everyone.”

This “Who Pays for the Date?” issue has been a concern in senior dating for years. In fact, I wrote and published an ebook titled, “Who Pays for the Date?” in 2009.

In thinking about Cheryl’s “Who Pays” question this week, I went to Smashwords, my online ebook bookstore (the second largest ebook bookstore in the world after Amazon.com), and reread my book.

Humbly I say, it’s a wonderfully entertaining 16-page book and right on the money (pun not intended). Very little has changed in 14 years. I’m offering it to you Champs today for $1.99 (remember it’s an ebook, not a printed book). Most of what I wrote still applies today. See the link to the book at the end of today’s eNewsletter. Here’s a short excerpt from my 2009 book about my personal friend Buddy.

“Since Bobby and the woman were meeting in her neck of the woods, 15 miles from where he lived, he asked her to select the restaurant where they would meet. This was Buddy’s first mistake; he was no longer in control of where he’d be spending his money on a woman he’d never met.
“Early the next morning after their first date, the e-mails started flying my way. Buddy wrote, ‘Nicki has expensive tastes! I would have preferred a coffee shop, but what could I do after I was at the expensive restaurant?’”

Lesson learned. Buddy was foolish for asking Nicki to pick the meeting place. Since he initiated the date, he should have taken control and suggested coffee in a less expensive place. When men are paying for a first date, they shouldn’t give the woman carte blanche to choose where to meet. If a woman offers to pick the place, the man should say, “Thanks for the offer, but I want our date to be special, so I’ll choose the place.”

Champ Jim said, “I think men should pick up the tab on the first few dates and share the costs occasionally after–if the women financially are capable to help. The women don’t need to pick up the bill but going Dutch or at least offering to pay is a start. Some women expect the man to pay it always and never offer to help.”

Tom’s comment: Two weeks ago, I agreed to meet a woman who lived 30 miles away. I was going to her city on another project so I figured I’d multi-task: complete my project and meet a nice new person I’d met online. We agreed on 3:30 p.m. for coffee in her city. I asked her to choose the meeting location. She mentioned a restaurant. I didn’t check on it online, but soon found out it was an elegant, high-class, expensive French restaurant.

My drive to meet her, which normally takes a half hour, took two hours due to traffic problems. So, I needed a glass of wine, not coffee. When I got to the restaurant, I was seated outside at a patio dining table. The woman arrived a few minutes later. Instead of coffee, we each ordered a glass of wine.

Since the restaurant was empty, a waiter kept bugging us about ordering appetizers or an early dinner. I wasn’t hungry; she was. She ordered dinner, fresh sea bass, caught locally. I had a Gazpacho appetizer: $14.00. The bill for our wine, her dinner, my soup, and the tip was $162.43. I paid without batting an eye but cursed at myself for letting this happen.

Lesson learned. Going forward, I will designate the place and that our first date is for “coffee only.”

Three days later, I met a nice woman at a coffee shop near my home. When I got there, she had already bought and paid for her coffee. I got a coffee for me: $3.29. We had a delightful time.

Also in 2009, I was a columnist for The Orange County Register. I quoted an article I had read titled, “Courting Costs Are Yours, Too, Ladies,” by humor columnist Amy Alkon(www.advicegoddess.com). Amy wrote: “If a woman considers herself a man’s equal, her equality shouldn’t evaporate when the check comes. The point here isn’t calculating each person’s outlay to the bent dime. Just that dating shouldn’t send men to the bankruptcy court and women to the mall.”

In that column, I added, “Men want to see a little jingle come from the woman’s purse to help contribute to the exorbitant cost of dating.”

Tom’s 5 tips in 2023 on who should pay for the senior date

1 On a first date, the man should almost always pay. No matter if the woman wants to pay her half. However, the man should designate the place to meet and the time, and always specify, “coffee,’ whether he or she drinks it or not. Optional: tea. And the man should designate the place if he initiated the date.

2 On the second date, the man should also pay. UNLESS she suggests a pricey outing. If that’s the case, I feel the man needs to step forward and say something like, “That’s a bit out of my budget. I just paid my daughter’s Harvard University tuition and I’m on a tight budget now” (or some similar flimsy excuse).

3 If two seniors become a couple, on the third date and going forward, a discussion on “Who Pays?” needs to happen soon. This is where love, understanding, caring, and sharing enter the picture. Communication takes over, a key to senior relationship success.

4 When the woman is more comfortable financially than the man, they need to lay the cards on the table and work out an amenable arrangement. This is where fairness and a willingness to compromise enter the scene. And that may enhance the longevity of the senior relationship.

5 If he always pays, she can equalize things by cooking him dinner at home.

Link to Smashwords, the eBook bookstore:

Link to Who Pays for the senior date?

Senior Relationship Breakups

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 4, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

When seniors get dumped by a mate

Editor’s note: The cover photo is of Matt and Cheryl. Their story is included below near the bottom of the article.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about Jack, age 73, whose 15-year-younger girlfriend told him she was moving out, after he had been in the hospital with “a serious illness.” She had lived with him at his home for 10 years. He was devastated and is still trying to overcome the heartache he’s felt for several months.

I wrote last week, “When adversity hit in the form of his senior illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.” Oh wow, that comment didn’t sit well with some women Champs.

Patty emailed, “You got the hair up on my neck when you wrote that sentence. I had a similar situation with a man I was crazy about. He took advantage of me every chance he could.

“He went into the hospital with a serious health situation, and I was there by his side. During his stay, I found out he lied to me about something and that was a deal breaker for me.

“He was still seeing a woman when he looked at me in the face and swore he wasn’t. Was it harmless?

“That wasn’t the point…he looked at me right in my eyes and said he wasn’t. And he did, right before I drove up to LA to take him, hold his hand, put a cold cloth on his bald little head, as he lay in recovery. And he was still texting her on my birthday.

“I painfully left him there in the hospital. Doing so was so against my gut core that it physically broke me for a while.

“Tom don’t assume all sides of a story are true until you hear them. I had been a tireless, faithful caregiver for my husband for 10 years (Married 45 years) and I wasn’t about to go through that pain again for someone that lacked personal integrity.

“I’m still not over feeling bad for leaving him there–four months later–but I also couldn’t have lived with a guy that looked at me in the face and lied to me. Two sides… two stories.

I’m sure Jack’s version, leaving out a lot of reality, would break your heart too.

Be gentle my friend…maybe she was crazy about a player too… but found out her well-being was better without him, as painful as that was.

“Maybe it was her turn now.”

Sandy, “Jack’s story leads one to believe that he was abandoned after experiencing an illness. This happens and he greased the wheels for this by living together and not getting married. However, perhaps there is more to it than we know. Maybe his words ‘We had a challenging relationship’ are a rosy euphemism for a troubled relationship.

“While the woman left, let’s remember that men leave living-together relationships and marriages as well and he could have exercised that option at any time including if she had become ill.

“Most men (this includes my father, a 91-year-old widower) want a younger woman on their arm.

“A relationship with a younger woman certainly can work but it is a minefield which men REFUSE to acknowledge. Late marriages to younger women are not always love matches and men who don’t want to acknowledge this are taking a significant risk. The bigger the age difference, the greater the risk.

“Most of these – especially young women who target older men–are only looking to trade sex for security. Most men want to believe the fantasy that a 35-year-old is madly in love with them at age 70.”

Tom’s thoughts: I take issue with Sandy’s comment that most men believe a woman half their age would be madly in love with them. I don’t know of any men who think a woman half their age would be madly in with them. Not one guy.

Also, regarding the earlier comment that most men want a younger woman on their arm. This is a gray area. How much younger? On my first online date, the woman asked, “What is the age range you are looking for?” Remember, Champs, I’ve reached 80. I said, “Between 72 and 79.”

She was aghast. She said, “You men are all alike, trying to date younger women.” Then, she looked at the sky and said, “The sun just came out. I am leaving to go do my swimming laps.” She stood up and left, never to be seen by me again.

Is between one and nine years younger considered dating a younger woman at my age? Holy cow!

Sandy continued, “Recently this happened to a long-time guy friend who is 71. A woman (35) carried on with him for two years. She wanted out of her marriage. He paid for an apartment and furniture and more. Eventually, I encouraged him to grant her wish which was to come and stay at his home for two weeks. (I encouraged this because I knew he would see that she was not sincere).

“She brought a girlfriend. He hosted them for two weeks and then the two women did not want to leave. By this time, he realized the only love there was – was for his bank account. They stayed another two weeks. Then the girl went home and left her girlfriend there.

“The girlfriend made a sexual proposition (yes, really) but she was turned down by him and she finally left. The girl returned to her husband and young child. This unveiling incident lasted almost six weeks and my friend was understandably depressed at finding out that he was not loved for himself.

“It took a while, but he recovered, and it was certainly better than continuing to believe the fantasy or base a permanent relationship on the fantasy.

“The risks are further amplified if either or both partners have previous unsuccessful marriages. Baggage times the number of marriages.

“Younger women willingly make sacrifices to be with an older man. It requires certain sacrifices for the man as well. It’s unrealistic for men to think they are going to have a longstanding relationship with a younger woman and not acknowledge how the age disparity can change expectations.

Cheryl shared, “I’m home recovering nicely from an auto accident earlier this month, and grateful for all the support I’ve received and especially for all Matt’s (my partner) help during this difficult time. Having been his caregiver through several surgeries and cancer treatments, our roles have reversed recently due to my accident.

“When I ventured into online dating, one of the guys online commented on his profile that he wasn’t looking for a ‘nurse’ and didn’t want to be contacted by anyone looking for a ‘purse.’ The comment offended me then and still does.

“Although I understood his concern, at our age, none of us knows when we might need a ‘nurse.’ When Matt and I became serious and made the commitment to each other for ‘the rest of the journey,’ we also decided to live together.

“As it turned out, Matt has experienced several health challenges as I mentioned I have had the role of ‘nurse’ several times since we’ve been together. He has never resented or felt like he was my ‘purse’ and I haven’t felt like or resented being his ‘nurse.’ We have contributed to our relationship in different ways but neither of us has felt used nor do we have any regrets about making the commitment to each other. On the contrary, we feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful to have found love and companionship with each other in our senior years.

“Sandy mentioned this past week ‘the risk of having any relationship.’ Perhaps the greatest risk is allowing ourselves to trust another person with not only our feelings but our physical and financial security. Those risks are present at any age, not just in our senior years.

“A dear friend advises, ‘Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.’ There are no guarantees in any relationship, but no relationship is possible without taking risks. Matt and I are certainly grateful we did!

Tom, “I have a friend who is dealing with the grief of losing his wife one year ago. He felt he needed to sell his horse and was feeling sad because it was the loss of an animal he loved. So, any loss, not just of a spouse or partner, can leave a hole in a person’s heart, especially after we’ve already lost the spouse or partner.

Even the loss of someone we’ve dated for just a short time, and care for. It’s not just that he or she passed away. Either person could decide the relationship wasn’t for them.

Senior dating is wonderful when you meet someone and form an exclusive relationship. But maybe one of the partners, or both, rushed in a little too deep and a little too hard. Red flags can be when a potential mate says, “Oh, you seem to care more than I do.” And then the same person says a few days later, “I need more alone time.”

And yet, you try to make it work because you care, and yet you are vulnerable.

And then he or she leaves. It’s only natural to feel sad. Is the other person wrong or mean? No, they are just being honest. You’ve got to just “let it be” and get your profile page updated. Yikes.

Makes me think of the song by Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is.”

Ignoring senior relationship warning signals

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

July 21, 2023

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

By Columnist Tom Blake

Shame on the Moon

A man ignored senior relationship warning signals

(Note from Tom: the photo above is Tom negotiating a pre-nuptial agreement for two seniors thinking of getting married. It’s a joke of course.)

A man we’ll call Jack emailed this week: “Tom, I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and thought I’d share another episode in the senior arena of relationships.

“I’m 73 and a well-educated guy with a doctorate after a 45-year successful career. About 12 years ago (at age 61) I met a very attractive woman, 15 years younger, in my same profession. We fell in love quickly.

“After a year of dating, we decided to move in together, on the condition as she said, “We should be getting married or engaged before moving in together.” Signal #1.

“I/we bought a townhome on the premise we would marry and then we moved in together. Her name went on the title based on the prospect of marrying, per my attorney and hers. Signal #2. (Senior dating – moving in together)

“We continued to live together for the next 10 years, traveling, dining out, and enjoying life. We attempted to prepare a pre-nuptial agreement but could not come to terms. Signal #3.

Our relationship was mostly peaceful and intertwined but with challenging personalities. I paid 100% of everything over a 10-year period. Signal #4 (in senior dating who pays?)

It was not a perfect relationship. I’ve taken responsibility for what I contributed to the challenges along the way. I won’t go into the messy details.

“I became seriously ill in December 2022, requiring a week hospital stay. Two weeks after the hospital release, my companion announced she had purchased a condo elsewhere and was moving out in a month. Final Signal.

  “I was devastated and fell into all the grief stages at once. I felt the worst pain ever. It’s now been six months; lawyers are involved with trying to have her name removed from the deed so I can move on. It’s getting messy. I’m an unmarried man (thankfully) but feel like a divorced man.

“I’ve been in therapy to understand what happened and why it happened, and to better know myself. Therapy has been a grateful help and I’m getting better with time. My former companion has a new partner, but how long it has been going on I don’t know. I was loyal.

“What I’ll pass along from what I’ve learned…and I’m still learning…. Do not take your partner for granted. Express your love continuously. Think straight about the legal ramifications of relationships and protect yourself.

“Take personal responsibility for your errors and apologize in a way that enables your partner to feel your remorse. As Ted Lasso said, your gut and your heart are closely aligned … trust your gut while listening to your heart.”

Tom’s comments

Thankfully, Jack found a good therapist to help him through his difficult time of grieving. Therapists can be very helpful in a time of need. In a way, Jack’s situation sounds eerily like my third marriage. It ended differently but in a similar way.

It’s easy for me and Champs to find fault in Jack’s behavior. He should have done this, he should have done that, etc., So, I don’t want to rant on him or make him feel worse than he already does. But I must say this:

1 Moving in together was ok for Jack, but not under the premise of getting married. And putting her on the title was unwise.

For me, after wife number three (also 15 years younger) and I had been married for two years and she was not on the title, she lobbied for us to move to a new home about a half mile away, “To be closer to the beach,” is how she put it, but now I think it was also to be put on the title.

I bought a new home and foolishly put her on the title, thinking we were in the marriage together for the long haul. The mortgage interest rate was around 13 percent.

I didn’t pay for everything in our marriage, but probably 80%.

2 Why did Jack pay 100 percent for everything for 10 years? Ridiculous. Perhaps that was the price of being with a woman 15 years younger. Maybe she had planned that all along. He was foolish for allowing that arrangement.

3 Jack said his relationship wasn’t perfect. None are. Don’t go into any relationship thinking it will be perfect. He didn’t explain the “messy” details.

4 Jack says to express your love to her continuously; he seems to think she might not have bailed out on him if he had. Regardless of how he treated her, and how much love he expressed, she would have bailed anyway. He said he was loyal, but it didn’t seem to matter to her.

5 When adversity hit in the form of his illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.

A similar situation happened to me in my third marriage. In the early 1990s, when a recession hit Southern California, I told my wife we needed to tighten our financial belt. I didn’t realize it, but I believe she decided at that very moment to start planning her exit.

Less than two years later, at Christmas time, I went to Northern California to visit my 83-year-old mom. My wife and her two boys didn’t want to go with me, which was okay with me as I enjoyed alone time with Mom and my sisters and brother-in-law.

That was the opening my wife had waited for. On Christmas Eve, 1993, she and her two boys cleaned out the house, taking what furniture and belongings they wanted, and moved out of my life. There was no warning, no notice, just a sneaky clean-out.

Shortly thereafter, she filed for divorce. In my opinion, she felt she had squeezed every drop of dinero out of me and it was time for her to seek greener pastures.

Having her on title cost me a bundle of bucks in the divorce settlement. She used me, just as Jack’s woman used him. Both Jack and I allowed that to happen. Shame on us, but hindsight is always easier. Of course, this reminds me of Bob Seger’s song, “Shame on the Moon.” See the link below.

5 Because Jack’s companion bailed, he’s suffering enormous grief. Most of us who have lost mates, in one way or another—spouses, mates, animals, friends–understand the pain of Jack’s grief. Perhaps he was kidding himself all along that she loved and cared for him.

It’s still painful for him. Hopefully, that therapist will get him aimed in the right direction.

A pre-move-in agreement should have been prepared and signed.

Since he paid for everything, why did he also put her on the title? Good luck to Jack with getting her name off the document.

Let’s hope Jack has learned to think with his brain and not just with his heart. And me too.

Link to Bob Seger’s “Shame on the Moon.”

Shame on the Moon by Bob Seger

Take A Chance On Me

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

June 30, 2023

Take a Chance On Me

A Woman’s Fear of Dating a Friend

By Senior Dating Columnist Tom Blake

Betsy’s dilemma A woman Champ, 78, requested that her name not be used, so we’ll call her Betsy. And Betsy has a dilemma, which she explained.

“I have given up on dating, but I have friends I go out with every Thursday. One is an 80-year-old man who lost his wife three years ago after 55 years of marriage.

“He lives in my retirement community and is a nice man. He has shown an interest in me, but I won’t consider a relationship with him other than friendship because we live in the same community.

“If our relationship didn’t work out, it would be awkward seeing each other, and I fear we could possibly ruin a wonderful friendship. What do you think? I would like to have your feedback.

I responded to Betsy: “The age difference is only two years. So, that’s a positive.

“Another positive is you live near each other. There would be limited or no driving to be together. Perhaps, a short, likely safe, drive at night to go home. “Since he is a nice man who was married 55 years, he’d likely be a loyal and dedicated mate. He cares about you and is attracted to you. That’s a big positive. You likely would be good for each other.

“Have you discussed your concerns with him? Share them and see how he feels about it. If you can agree on what would happen if it doesn’t work out (it would be a kind of post-relationship agreement), and if you are both comfortable with it, take a chance. It seems at his age and your age, sharing life with someone could be magical.

“You might want to find out about how his home is decorated. Are his former wife’s pictures everywhere? Might that bother you? 55 years is a long time. Lots of memories.

“Greta and I were together 25 years and now, seven months after losing her, I have lots of her photos in my home. A woman who came here didn’t seem to mind, but of course, she doesn’t live here.

“The big answer: if you like him, communicate your concerns and either proceed from there or not. Take a chance. I’d give it a try.

Betsy’s response: “If he broaches the subject with me, I will discuss it with him. We were all out together last night at our usual sports bar for dinner and drinks. When I leaned in to say something to him, he said, ‘If you keep leaning in like that, I will have to kiss you. I have wanted to do that for a long time.’

“I was taken aback and said, ‘OMG really? You are embarrassing me!’
“I think I blushed. My lady friends who were in attendance said maybe it was the ‘drinks’ he had while we were talking.

“I don’t know…but we all agreed he is a very nice guy. We all watched him care for his wife in a wheelchair before she died. He was devoted to her and, is a genuinely nice person to everyone.”

Tom’s reply: “He sounds like me in this way: Perhaps the drinks made him bolder and more amorous, but he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He is attracted to you. Are you attracted to him? Enough so that you are willing to have that ‘What happens if it doesn’t work out?’ conversation?

“You decide. What’s more important? Having someone in your life who warms your heart and is there for you, and who loves to hug, kiss and hold you.

“Or risking losing his friendship because it might not work out? And even if it doesn’t work out, you still might be friends.

“I totally get where he is coming from, especially since he was a caregiver for his wife. He wants to feel love again.

“In most potential senior relationships, there is fear in one way or another. Most of us have suffered losses. It’s hard to move forward. And we all have senior dating baggage.

“The main question: Are you attracted to him? He sounds like an ideal special man and is so close to your age. Plus, he lives nearby. Also, if you are attracted to him, don’t wait for him to bring the subject up. I suggest you tell him you’d like to talk and take that initiative. He has already indicated he cares about you.”

“Take a chance, Betsy. Which reminds me of a song. Abba’s ‘Take a Chance On Me.’ (See link to the song below).”

Isn’t senior dating fun?

A response to last week’s eNewsletter

Rhonda emailed: “I thought the list which you and your buddy Jim published last week was SPOT ON! I especially resonated with the friendship aspect and the simple words, ‘Friends first.’ And genuinely wanting to be together…love it. So incredibly important.

“I would add to your list strong communication and negotiation. We, humans, are not mind-readers, so sharing ideas and talking about the good, bad, and ugly is vital to a strong healthy relationship.

“Being vulnerable and open are key components to sharing your life with your mate. “Please don’t shoot me Tom, but the proper spelling is ‘Gucci’ for designer clothing and handbags. (you wrote Goochi).

Tom’s response to Rhonda. “Your mention of the Gucci spelling is a riot. I looked up the proper spelling but failed to change it in the text. What was I thinking? Another woman mentioned that as well.

“At least you can tell my closet is not filled with Gucci attire. For me, Levi is more appropriate for this hang-10 guy. So, if I meet a woman who wants a man dressed to the nines, I’m likely not her guy.

“Your suggested list addition is right on. Communication and negotiation between couples are both critical. And what often happens when people are communicating via text, instead of by phone or in person, is the words often get misconstrued. “And being vulnerable is important. When a person is vulnerable, he or she reveals their inner beauty.”

That’s it for this week. It’s Gucci signing off.

Link to Abba’s Take A Chance On Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0

2 Widowers senior dating list

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
June 23, 2023
Two widowers share their thoughts
By Columnist Tom Blake

Two widowers share their wants It’s been a while still since my widower buddy Jim, 74, and I got together to update our thoughts on what we’ve learned from senior dating since we both put our toes into the senior dating pond.

Jim and I have both had some contact with widows and divorcees over the last three months. At our breakfast meeting this past Wednesday.

Jim said, “The first five minutes of contact of a first date tells you the most important items right away. Looks, attractiveness, chemistry, sex appeal, personality, humor, and financial well-being.

“But you may find the person having all the right features only to find out that she doesn’t have the same feelings for you. So I find that I have to have a thick skin in this senior dating. I need to realize that there will be many rejections on their part as well as on my part until that right combination comes along, if ever.

“But rushing into a relationship without doing your homework and some really serious dating and research and conversations and asking the important questions you’re better off by yourself for a while so you don’t make some serious mistakes. (I haven’t dated for 48 years).

“Lists are important so we don’t waste precious time. We are at the last chapter in our lives and these decisions can be even more important than ever.”

Here’s what Jim and I generally agreed upon at this week’s breakfast.

Two widowers build a list

Know yourself first. Make your own written list based on the personality traits a new partner must have. Keep your list simple and short, limited to five or six must-have items. We don’t like long lists because the longer your list, the more potential mates you eliminate from consideration. And, at age 70+, it’s already hard enough to find someone compatible.

Here’s our simplified list of six must-have items.

Tom and Jim’s List of Six Must-Have Characteristics in a Mate

1 A person of impeccable character. Meaning, someone who listens to what you say and is willing to compromise and be flexible. A person who is friendly, respectful, honest, pleasant, kind, has a nice smile and doesn’t criticize or put others down. Observe how the person speaks about his mother and father, children, and even an ex-spouse. How does he or she treat a waitress? Then visualize how the person will treat you.

2 There must be a mutual connection. You must like each other. Friends first. You must want to be together and plan a second or even a third date. A sense of humor is important. Also, each having a love of animals is a tie that binds. Jim owns a dog and three horses. (That is Jim pictured above).

3 Personal hygiene. Does he or she take good care of themselves? Is the person healthy and fit? Do they dress nicely (Goochi not required), wearing clean clothes. If you are a health nut, and he is a couch potato, it isn’t going to work. We’ve observed that senior women strive to take care of their health and fitness more than men. Not always, but usually.

4 Affectionate/romantic—If you relish being hugged, kissed, and having your hand held, your potential mate needs to want the same things and be romantic towards you. If there’s not that two-way chemistry/physical connection, there likely won’t be a relationship. It’s either there right off the bat, or not. Of course, you can always be “just friends,” and hopefully grow into the attraction, but neither Jim nor I are looking for that.

5 Availability. The person must be available to spend time with you. I’m not saying 24/7. You may be retired, with lots of free time. However, if the person you meet is still working or whose calendar is always full, often at night, you might end up being alone more than you want. And what about weekends? Does he or she spend time babysitting the grandkids or going away with friends? If there’s little time to be in a relationship, a relationship probably won’t work. What often happens is single seniors purposely keep busy. Social interaction is important and healthy.

Jim and I have observed that particularly with women. However, to be available for a relationship, a person might need to tweak his or her social calendar. You wouldn’t want to miss a great relationship by being unavailable. This is one of the biggest issues in a senior relationship. It’s important to say that being together too much isn’t healthy either. No one wants to be smothered. And for us, no more marriage. Find a nice middle road with your partner and work it out.

6 Within a reasonable age difference. What’s an okay age difference? It could be five or ten years or even more. What’s important is you like and love each other, regardless of the age difference. Some people seem old at 50, others seem young at 80. It’s best to discuss the age difference with your potential partner right away, so it doesn’t cause a problem later.

Remember, a younger person can get sick also. Many older people assume that they will be the first to pass away. And then his or her younger mate passes first. It happened to these two gentlemen. These are our top six must-have characteristics.

Other items such as kids, religious and political differences, travel, and finances also need to be discussed. That’s where compromise comes in. Good luck meeting a new mate and working out the kinks.

Don’t you forget about me

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

May 19, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Don’t You Forget About Me

Once again, this week, you Champs have helped write another eNewsletter. Your comments from last weeks Keep ’em Flying eNewsletter were great. The Keep ’em Flying artwork by artist Kevin Sullivan is shown above.

Before I begin, a few of you have asked whom I use for my website designing and updating.

I’ve used Alex Joyce for more than 20 years. In fact, he’s currently working on my Tom’s Finding Love after 50 website

I am including his contact information at the end of today’s eNewsletter. He is a conscientious gentleman. I highly recommend him.

Almost all my weekly eNewsletters for the last five years can be found on that website. Just go to the home page and check the banner along the top that says, Tom’s newsletters. By clicking on that, you will see a dropdown window showing the years eNewsletters were published. So, if you were included in an eNewsletter, or want to read a previous article, you should be able to find that issue.
So, here’s what our Champs said this week:

Carol, “You don’t have to have a ‘mate’ to be happy. I have been a widow since 1997 when my husband passed away. I just plan things to do at home and outside the home with others, and I have a dog that I dearly love and ‘talk to’ all the time as if she were a person. A new mate could cause you more feelings of missing Greta because she would do things differently, etc. Think positive.”

Tom’s response: “What’s right for me, or right for you, may not be what’s right for others. You have a mate, only yours has four legs instead of two legs. I see four-legged mates with women often on dating sites, and they are often shown being hugged by their owners. We all need companionship and hugs; in whatever form each takes.”

Carol replied: “Yes, that is very true. I had not thought about it that way. I love your columns each week, thanks for sharing.”

Rhonda, “Last week you wrote a wonderful eNewsletter. You can get those thoughts off your chest to us Champs anytime you wish. It warmed my heart to see how healthy your attitude is and how deep your feelings have become even with or maybe because of your recent loss.

“You are honest about what’s going on in your life and soul. Thanks for sharing it with us these many years. It’s wise of you to allow Greta to remain in an important place in your heart. Not everyone does that. What a gift she was to you, and what a gift you are to us Champs.”

Cheryl, “My heart was touched by your ‘Keep ‘em Flying’ eNewsletter last week in your reflections about the celebration of life for Greta as well as your thoughts regarding moving forward.

“I have not lost a husband or life partner to death, but I lost both of my dearly beloved parents and was so tremendously uplifted by the support of loving family and friends at their services.

“Being a self-confessed ‘word-nerd,’ I liked the phrases you adopted for help in moving forward. I’d like to share a couple I have adopted for myself which have inspired and encouraged me over the years. One comes from a song I heard years ago. I can’t remember the title or the artist who sang it, but one line from the chorus stuck with me–“Some people fall, some people fly. Show me the sky!”

“The other phrase came from a Kevin Costner movie. I think the title was simply, “Dragonfly.” The plot was about a missionary (I think) young couple with a baby who were working somewhere in Africa. The wife and child were kidnapped, and Kevin Costner spent months/years searching for them.

“The baby had a birthmark shaped like a dragonfly, so he was able to identify the child when he eventually found his wife and child. A friend asked him how he kept going during the long time he spent searching. His answer was, ‘Belief gets you there.’

“Believe me, I have repeated that mantra to myself many, many times over the last few years! It has helped me get through a second divorce, losing my dream mini ranch in the country, the loss of both my parents and other challenges.  “When I decided to try online dating, that phrase also kept me going and prevented me from giving up on finding a loving partner. Eventually, I was blessed with Matt coming into my life.

“Some time ago Matt found a lovely dragonfly bookmark which I decided to hang from the rearview mirror in the car. I love seeing it when I’m in the car, and it’s a beautiful reminder of how important it is to ‘keep the faith’ and believe that good things will come your way.

“I love what you said about bringing love and happiness to someone in a relationship as well as receiving those gifts yourself. You are a ‘flyer,’ and you inspire others to ‘fly’ as well.

“Matt’s first wife, knowing she was dying, told Matt she wanted him to find a loving relationship. She knew Matt needed love and companionship in his life and knew Matt was able to give the same to a loving partner. So, look skyward and keep telling yourself, ‘Belief gets you there!’

Tom’s response: “I am going to add another ‘C’ to your ‘CC’ name, you are now ‘Cherished Cheryl C.”

Patricia, “My partner Len and I are in Vienna Austria, and will start a Collette tour tonight as we meet up with our director and fellow travelers. We arrived here yesterday morning and after a good night’s sleep got on the subway this morning and went to the Spanish Riding School to watch a training session…just great.

“Even though this trip was planned many months ago it has come at a very significant time for us. My daughter Melissa, age 53 passed away on April 10th due to multiple organ failure. It was a shock and it’s been a learning experience for sure. I dealt with the death of my husband almost 22 years ago, but this is totally different.

“I have accepted Melissa’s death; I don’t have any other choice.  “At this stage of my life, I had to decide whether to let this overwhelm me or to keep moving. I chose to keep moving. Not a day goes by that she’s not in my thoughts, but I know I have to stay healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a way of honoring my daughter and I know she would want me to do it the way I’ve chosen.

“I am glad you are keeping busy and finding your way. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us.”

Tom’s response: “Patricia and Len are included in my book, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50,” published in 2009. They are Chapter 12, titled, Love on the Back of a Harley.

Alive and Kicking

Carolyn, “Your eNewsletters always pull at the heartstrings and inspire Champs. It’s as though you are reading our minds and know what our souls are aching for. “In this ‘new’ life, we must take it one day at a time. We are still alive and kicking and must enjoy every single minute. You are our emotional support mentor; your eNewsletters are sustenance for our broken hearts!

“Relatives and friends don’t always understand our true feelings, but you do. Thank you for what you have done to inspire all Champs.”

Tom’s response: Of course, Carolyn’s alive and kicking comment triggered my ‘reminds me of a song’ thought I often get while writing these columns. This week it’s the singing group Simple Minds, from a 1985 album of the same name.

The link to that song is below and a second link to another Simple Minds song is also below. Why two Simple Minds songs? Because my favorite song of theirs was from the original soundtrack of the movie “The Breakfast Club.” It’s called Don’t You Forget About Me.” So that link is listed below as well, just above my picture.
Link to Alive and Kicking

Please have a look at the link below to Don’t You Forget About Me.

Here is Alex Joyce’s contact information Alex Joyce (Owner/Technician)(949) 485-1767 (Call to schedule with Alex)(949) 204-9923 (Alex’s Cell)

UserFriendlyComputerService.com MyWebsiteDesigned.com

Thanks for caring, Champs. I won’t forget about you; please don’t you forget about me.

Link to Simple Minds Don’t You Forget About Me

Senior Singles Avoid Wasting Time

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 17, 2023
More about Senior Singles List Making
By Columnist Tom Blake

Keep the list short

More about making a senior-love list

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled “Make A List.” In that newsletter, I suggested that senior singles make a list of the characteristics they want in a mate and in their relationship. The purpose of a list is to help a person avoid wasting time, money, and emotions on a relationship or a person who is not right for her or him. At our age, we don’t have time to waste.

The above paragraph reminds me of the song, “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” by the incredible Tejano/rockabilly singer Freddy Fender, which he wrote in 1959. See the link at the end of today’s column.

A list is merely a dating tool. There is no right or wrong list. And there is no perfect mate. We all have our faults so don’t judge someone too harshly or too quickly. Be flexible.

Many Champs responded to that eNewsletter. Champ Virginia asked, “Is there a list that a man would make?

I responded: “I’ll be happy to do that at the end of today’s article. But I stress that each person’s list will vary according to their values, desires, and experiences. Keep the list short.

The list last week was close to my list, give or take a few items.
Here are comments based on last week’s eNewsletter.

LJ (woman) “I quit dating a very nice man because every room in his house had at least one or two large photos of his deceased wife. One large 2′ x 3′ portrait on the living room wall was a bit overwhelming. Many smaller ones all over. I understand that he loved his wife. That’s very touching. And shows he is a good guy.

“But I felt like she was constantly looking at us! Perhaps this is my problem. Probably is. But it was unsettling to me. “I never said anything to him about the photos but I quit going out with him. I felt like I would never measure up. And that I would always be compared to her. I suppose this is my perception.

“Also, he paid for his son and spouse to live in a condo next door to him. I could see he wanted his intact family close by, at his expense. It was not something I wanted to be a part of. The last thing I needed was somebody glued to the old family.”

Bruce, newly divorced, mentioned a few of his list items. “I will not date someone of the opposite political party.

“Also, regarding availability to date. Some women are so busy with activities that they don’t have adequate time to date, which is very different from men. “Another is geographic distance. I am trying to limit the distance to a 50-mile radius but it seems like the more desirable potential mates are in major cities, 100-200 miles away.

“The last no-no for me is smoking in any way, either casual or regularly.”

Champ Patty said, “My husband died in July, but had dementia for years. I met a nice new man on Zoosx, in December. We spoke for two weeks, via phone and text, every day. We met for coffee, spoke countless hours on the phone, and then spent the day together. It’s been growing since. He’s a retired firefighter and was patient with me and a complete gentleman. He kind of checkmarked everything I asked for.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I will send your column to a friend. We have only seen each other two times in a year. He works in the Seychelles, is divorced, and is a bit younger than me. He has three kids and he’s from a large family, one of nine children. On a visit, he made advances toward me. I told him no. So, the next time he was in my country he didn’t contact me.

“He is a preacher of the Bible. I told him he doesn’t practice what he preaches. Did I do the right thing?”

I responded to Rosemarie, “Based on what you explained, I think you did the right thing.”

Ray said, “I never have made a list but it kind of makes sense. Also, in concert with the article, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

Wayne emailed, “Liked your list. Many women want to be on ‘scholarship.’”
Knowing Wayne, I think what he means is that some women he meets want to be on a free ride and not share expenses. They expect him to always pay.

Janet wrote, “Good advice. I had no idea where to start. The list is the perfect place.”

Mack emailed, “Re: Joan, from last week; her thoughts, perhaps to the extreme, are not atypical. I think it is normal for a man or woman to compare a new person with a past mate(s).

“I, for one, will never get over losing my first wife back in the 90s. There is never the same innocence of a young relationship down the road in later life.”

More than two years ago, Champ Cheryl wrote this about making a list: “Having children or grandchildren live with them is a deal-breaker for me because I was in that situation in my marriage. The blood relatives of a man seem to come before the new partner.”

“Plus, the political thing has become major. I have met some very nice men with whom I clicked, and then they find out which candidate I support and they break it off immediately.”

Also, two years ago, Champ S (a woman) wrote, “The first attraction is physical. Then we go from there…” I agree with “S.”

Here’s a possible list from a man: (Remember, what this dude wants, he must be willing and able to provide her with the same qualities. Love is a two-way street).

Tom’s suggested characteristics-wanted list

1. There must be a strong physical attraction between us

2. There will be differences from having lived different lives, especially as we’ve aged. We must be willing to compromise. This is where different political beliefs can be lessened to make each other’s views tolerable enough to keep the relationship intact

3. She must be willing to communicate openly and honestly

4. She must make me her top priority (and I must do the same)

5. She must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses (not specific dollar-to-dollar amounts or switching who pays every other time they go out together, but in general)

6. She must be available to see me 3-5 times per week and live within a few miles from me

7. No smoking or drugs

8. Our religious beliefs can be different, but no zealots for me. I believe in a higher power, but I do not attend church. She can attend church, which I respect, but I won’t be attending with her. A plus, she must enjoy sports.

9. She must be kind, considerate, positive, and upbeat, and she must love animals

10. She must take care of her health and we must enjoy being together and feel totally comfortable.

Link to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender https:///www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9lkeoxJRxA

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Around the Island