Columnist Tom Blake – Page 4 – On Life and Love after 50

Senior Sex and Widower Finds Love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

I avoid three topics in my eNewsletters—religion, politics, and senior sex. However, an email concerning senior sex arrived in response to last week’s column that needs addressing. That email and my comment on it are Part 1.

Part 2 is a beautiful love story sent in by a Champ that also mentions senior sex.

Part 1 – Quid Pro Quo Senior Sex

JJ (a woman) wrote, “Alicia’s brother (from last week’s article) sounds like a good man. He is willing to give friendship and more to enjoy the companionship of the woman without demanding that she pay him back with sex.

“Men, especially older men, who cannot tolerate not having sex are not worth having around. They disguise their desire for sex as ‘friendship’ or ‘companionship’ when it’s not that at all. In reality, it’s a quid-pro-quo relationship. Alicia’s brother offers something very real and true! Sounds like a nice guy!”

I am curious how men and women feel about JJ’s comments. At the risk of having a Champ or two unsubscribe, I will say this: I think her quid pro quo relationship comment is offensive and erroneous. It assumes that any man who enjoys sex and pays for a woman’s dinner or theatre tickets or whatever expects sex in exchange. That’s the quid pro quo.

If a man or a woman chooses to be non-sexual, that’s their business. But, if a desire for affection is in our genes, it’s about finding a mate who enjoys the same thing.

So, let’s hear how you Champs feel about it.

Also, Champ Christine Baumgartner, a relationship expert, and Champ and friend for years, emailed this comment: “I’m very interested in addressing/answering questions from your readers about senior sex.

“Feel free to include my offer in your eNewsletter with my email address so their questions and my answered comments won’t go through your newsletter.

“It’s such a challenging subject for us and I’m very comfortable answering their questions and concerns.

Christine’s email is: Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

Please tell her you are a Champ.

Part 2 – A Widower finds love

“Joe (not his true name) emailed approximately 18 months ago, “I’m in my early 60’s and widowed. My late wife and I were committed to each other since we were teenagers and married soon after college for 44 years.

“Our relationship started so young, we were the only ones each of us had been intimate with and we loved and valued that bond. As two people in love and with an active sex drive, it was difficult for us both when my wife’s illness prevented any kind of physical intimacy.

“But that was only one part of our relationship, and the other parts grew stronger to compensate. My love and commitment towards her were reason enough for me to put my sexual urges on the back burner as I focused on caring for her.

“After her passing, I knew there would be a time when I would resume being sexually active but had no idea when I would feel ready and when I would find a woman I was attracted to. I am now dating a wonderful woman. (Joe wrote the above 18 months ago)

Update August 12, 2024. Joe wrote: “My relationship with that woman I mentioned above ended amicably shortly after the holidays this past year. We were enjoying our time with each other, but each wanted different things and didn’t see our relationship being long-term.

“Since then, I have met and fallen in love with another woman who fills my life with incredible joy and happiness. We are both looking for the same thing in a partner and have quickly become inseparable.

“We are compatible in every aspect of our lives including activities, energy levels, family, humor, conversation, openness, physical touch, and intimacy. It is quite extraordinary, and we joke that we were twins who were separated at birth.

“We also both agree that it was a blessing that we didn’t meet immediately after I started dating as I wasn’t fully prepared to be in a relationship. It was important for me to get over the feelings of guilt and anxiety that I had being with another woman other than my late wife.

“So here I am, 2-1/2 years from losing my best friend, lover, and soulmate and in a relationship that is very different but equally fulfilling. I’m as happy as I was before my wife’s illness changed our lives forever and back to being my old self.”

So that’s it for today. A topic I avoid—senior sex, snuck in here. At least I avoided religion and politics.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Hanging out at the Pub Club

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter July 26, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

On January 30, 2024, I received this email from Anita Gorsch: “I’m the editor of the Laguna Woods Globe, a weekly publication by the Orange County Register for seniors in the Laguna Woods Village retirement community.
(Approximately 18,000 seniors live in Laguna Woods Village, in South Orange County, California).

Anita continued: “We want to write a story about seniors finding love for our Valentine’s issue. Would you be willing to be interviewed about that?”
I replied yes. We spoke the next day for 30 minutes.

On February 8, the Globe published Anita’s front page story, “Looking for romance? Senior dating pro can help.” (See photo above) She included information from our phone conversation.

On March 25, a woman named Dinah Lin emailed: “I am writing on behalf of the Pub Club (*Publishing Club) of Laguna Woods. Our President, Nancy Brown, was captivated by the recent front-page Globe article highlighting you and your most interesting life/career. She recommended I contact you as a potential presenter/speaker at one of our gatherings. I am the program chair.”

“The Pub Club” caught my interest. Wow, I’d be speaking to a group of beer and wine drinkers.

Sorry, Tom, this isn’t a drinking club, as Dinah explained, “Our members are writers, published authors, and authors-to-be and our programs focus on topics that would help them on this journey. Please let me know if this interests you. It would be July 17 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.”

I responded, “Me? Speaking for two hours on writing to an accomplished group of writers? I’d put them all to sleep.”

Dinah and I eventually settled on senior dating as the topic, with me being interviewed by one of their members. My part would be about an hour plus ample time for questions and answers. On July 17, when I saw the room, I was pleased. It was ideal, with tables, approximately 80 chairs, and microphones that were fully charged and ready to go. Approximately 70 people attended.

Women outnumbered men by about nine-to-one, a ratio typical of the Laguna Woods Village population and similar to senior dating ratios. Topics included online dating, building profiles and do’s and don’ts when posting photos, and long-distance relationships.

The importance of honesty trust, and communication between couples was frequently stressed. Who pays for the first senior date received many comments from attendees. The consensus was that men should grab the tab (at least, for the first two or three dates, something I agree with).

First-date etiquette was a fun topic. Women suggested that men keep their hands in check. So, what the hell do we do? Sit on our hands. Two women gave me copies of books they had published and I returned the favor with my books. One was Dinah Lin, the program chair. Her Amazon bestselling book is a memoir of her fascinating life. It’s titled. “Daring to Dream. Once Again.”

Dinah pours her heart and soul into this book; it’s a fascinating and heart-wrenching, follow-her-dreams story.

The other woman, Karen Haddigan, in collaboration with Debi Helm, handed me “Secrets of Dating After Fifty. The Insider’s Guide to Finding Love Again.” Karen and Debi’s book should be a textbook at a Senior Dating University. So many senior dating topics are included and often told with a humorous anecdote attached.

One section is titled, “Nakedness and the Aging Body,” which caught my attention. It discusses the reality of growing old, to which we all relate. I was amazed at how many of the same topics Karen and I had included in our respective dating after 50 books. Her opinions and observations about senior dating are more refreshing and up-to-date than in my book. (Karen’s book was published 12 years after my book was published)

The two books are pictured below. Both women sell their books on Amazon.com.

Writing is a great way for seniors to keep busy and their minds engaged. I hope we inspired the writers present to stay busy writing and publishing their books.

Online Senior Dating Scam

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – June 7, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Senior Man Gets Scammed

I used to be an advocate for senior online dating. It gave lonely seniors who were having no luck meeting a potential partner hope that they might meet someone by casting their nets far and wide to areas that had been inaccessible to them.

I still believe in senior online dating but with words of caution. After losing Greta, my partner of 25 years, in October 2022, I was one lonely dude. This loneliness emotion affects nearly every senior who has suffered the loss of a partner.

Five months later, while sitting home on another empty Saturday night, I tried senior online dating. I had written about online dating, based upon stories Champs had sent me, but frankly, I didn’t know my fanny from first base about its intricacies.

I joined Match.com, and a lesser-known dating site, Zoosk. It was overwhelming. I was creating a profile, adding photos, trying to guess who to believe, and what to believe, and hearing from people who lived far away. Some from other cities, states, and foreign countries. Simply overwhelming.

Within days, a woman replied on Zoosk. “I love your profile. I admire that you are a writer. I live near you in Oceanside (about a half hour away). I hope we can get together soon. My photos are current.”

I checked her photos. There were eight of them. She was drop-dead gorgeous, age 63, 20 years younger. She sent another email: “I will be in Northern California for about a month. I will keep in touch while gone and want to meet you in person when I come home.”

I wondered if she was for real. I also wondered why a gorgeous woman 20 years younger would be interested in a man 83. We kept in touch and spoke on the phone a few times. She sent more current pictures, some of her playing pickleball. Slowly, I was starting to believe she was for real.

When she returned, she texted, “Can we meet in Dana Point Harbor in front of Harpoon Henry’s and go for a walk?” When I saw her, it took my breath away. She looked like her pictures. She gave me a big hug. Our walk lasted an hour. She held my hand. She asked if we could meet again two days later for a similar walk.

During the second walk, she said she’d love to live in Dana Point but knew nothing about Dana Point real estate and it would be helpful if she could see my home. I showed it to her. No hanky panky, just a 10-minute tour.

We agreed to meet again. She said we had a lot in common. A day later, she sent a text, “If I move in with you, I wouldn’t want to be tossed to the street if you pass away before I pass away, so I would need you to change your estate plan to leave me the house.”

I was amazed that she wanted to live together. And shocked that she wanted to inherit the home I had lived in for 30 years. When I said it was too soon to consider that, we hadn’t even kissed yet, she wrote, “I can’t see you anymore.”

At least I hadn’t spent a penny on her. A quick online dating lesson learned: When something sounds or someone looks too good to be true, it most likely is. And even though you’ve met someone real in person, and it appears you like each other, it doesn’t mean you put your guard down and trust that person unconditionally. Relationships take time to build.

This past Sunday, Champ Mark sent me an online (The Wall Street Journal) article titled ‘She Hooked Me’: How an Online Scam Cost a Senior Citizen His Life’s Savings. The article spelled out in great detail how a senior man, age 75, lost his life’s savings to a scammer who claimed to be age 37, rich, a Chinese immigrant woman looking for love who contacted him via LinkedIn.

I read the 24-page article to see the details. Although the victim was a successful, professional man, who lived in the Midwest, he let his infatuation and naivety overrule his intelligence. He ignored a huge red flag right out of the gate: an age gap of approximately 45 years. Come on now!

The scammer enticed him by sending inviting pictures of her. They likely weren’t real. He took the bait. She slowly reeled him in, a ploy by scammers. She convinced him to join an online site called WhatsApp. It’s not a dating site. It keeps conversations and messages private. I’ve used it to communicate with friends who live in Austria.

But lately, I’ve been getting bitcoin promotions on WhatsApp so I sense the scammers are trying to trap me into some b.s. scheme. The scammer and the victim had only one very brief phone call which should have been another red flag to him.

Slowly, through deception and promises of love, as detailed in the article, she gained his trust and reeled him into financial investments. The victim believed she was a gift from a higher power. He never met her in person. What the heck was he thinking?

I’ve always said a person can’t fall in love with an image, you must meet the person face-to-face. This victim didn’t make that happen. He believed her excuses of why she couldn’t meet. He let his imagination control his decision-making. He was vulnerable to manipulation. I’m not suggesting single seniors should avoid online dating. I know many couples who met their partners using online dating sites and are together. I’m one of them. Just be smart. Trust your instincts.I met my woman friend a year ago on Zoosk. She lives about a half-hour’s drive away.

Also, scammers don’t only exist on online dating sites. They can be lurking anywhere they smell an opportunity. LikedIn and WhatsApp are not dating sites. So, have your guard up with every stranger you meet.

Another Champ, Francine from Florida, emailed this week, “I’m so tired of online dating. I see the same old, same old men.” She’s decided to take a break from the disappointments she is finding online.

She also added, “I have fewer tomorrows than I have yesterdays. So, I’m making all of them count.” If you’d like to read the entire WSJ article, here’s the link. You can listen to it on the WSJ site as well. Thanks again to Mark for alerting us about it.

‘She Hooked Me’: How an Online Scam Cost a Senior Citizen His Life’s Savings – WSJ

Catfishing Becomes More Dangerous

Columnist Tom Blake

April 12, 2024

Note from Tom: The photo above is not of a catfisher. It’s of Alex, my friend of 40 years and he’s happily married.

Any senior who has tried online dating has likely experienced catfishing. It occurs when a person creates a fake identity or online persona to deceive online daters into romantic relationships, ultimately scamming their money.

These catfishers use fake and stolen photos taken from social media platforms and online dating profiles. They often use AI (Artificial Intelligence) to perfect their deceitful information.

With their fake profiles in hand, they troll online dating websites looking for vulnerable seniors (new widows, for example) and use the fake identity to win over a lonely person’s heart and confidence by lying and saying they are someone they aren’t.

Note from Tom: Catfishers and Scammers troll online websites besides dating websites. They troll sites such as LinkedIn and WhatsApp, which are not classified as online dating sites.

They often claim to be overseas working on an oil rig in a foreign location.

Slowly, over time, they attempt to win the lonely person over and convince them they will return to the USA to be with them soon.

Most of us have heard sad stories of lonely and vulnerable seniors, mostly, but not always, women, losing thousands of dollars—even their life savings–to these online scammers.

Last week I received an email with this subject line: “AI Dating profile generator” spikes catfishing concerns. The article stated that AI (Artificial Intelligence) has made catfishing even more deceitful with the release of Sora, a new AI program. Sora AI can create videos that look and feel natural, all from a simple text prompt or image.

The email stated: “We encourage online daters to be extra careful to validate who they are dating and who they think they are dating. Also, this comment: …Voices and faces of people you know can be impeccably faked as an effort to steal your money or identity.”

Champs, if you search on “Relationship Expert Steve Phillips-Waller from A Conscious Rethink” website, you’ll find tips and information on protecting yourself from AI romance scams.

I asked Orange County dating and relationship coach Christine Baumgartner about catfishing, and she strongly recommends that before having a first date, the person should request a video call.

Christine says, “Most catfishing scammers will refuse a video call and make some excuse not to participate in a video call. Google Voice and Google Video can be used as well as the Facetime button on your cell phone.”

She also advises not to text-message strangers.

To contact Christine: www.Theperfectcatch.com or email Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

The April 2024 AARP Bulletin magazine cover states “Older Americans Are Under Siege from Scammers.” Nearly the entire issue is dedicated to combatting fraud. That’s good reading for seniors to educate themselves on fighting fraud.

Trust your instincts and be careful before communicating with a stranger. Don’t answer your phone if you don’t recognize the caller. Request that video chat so you can see the person who claims to be interested in you.

Part 2 – Upcoming Fun Day in Dana Point

For Champs living in Southern California, who would like to get some exercise and meet new friends, at no cost, the World Tai Chi & Qigong Day is scheduled for Dana Point on Saturday, April 27, at 9:30 a.m., on the grass area in front of Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor.

You do not need to be a tai chi expert. Even beginners can start to learn tai chi. And you’ll make new friends.

Champ Ron, a tai chi instructor in Dana Point, reminded me of this free event open to the public. I attended last year. It was most enjoyable, and I met many new people. I plan to go there this year as well.

There will also be Hawaiian and rock music, Hula Performances, and a potluck lunch.

If you attend, say hello to Ron and mention that you are a Champ.

For more information, contact Ron Cohan at Zia3@cox.net.

That’s it for this week’s eNewsletter Champs.

Senior Marriage: Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 1, 2024
By Columnist Tom Blake
Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?
By Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating.

Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses.

I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in.

Part 1 – Nine responses from women

Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her?

“She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.”

Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.”

Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’

“Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo.

“Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too.  “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married.

“Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.”

Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary.

Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about.

“I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’

“Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.”

Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!”

Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating.

“Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus.

“Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner.

“Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so.

“She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!”

Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “
I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.”

Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common.

“If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts.

“I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me.

“I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else.

“Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John.

“I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’

“Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.”

Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money.

“The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other.

“She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets?

“I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.”

Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple

Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.”

Single
Sane
Straight
Sober
Solvent
I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more:
Sumptuous
Stunning
Startling

“If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.”

Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?

A woman Champ from the Midwest emailed and asked to remain anonymous so I will call her Dawn. She raised a question that’s been around for the 30 years I’ve written about senior dating: Who pays for the date?

And if a relationship develops, how do couples deal with expenses? Who pays for what?

Dawn is involved in a long-distance relationship. Her manfriend lives approximately 2,000 miles away. Long-distance relationships usually have added expenses, mainly the cost of travel to see each other, which Dawn alludes to.

Her email subject line read: “Dating over 60 and many miles apart…”

And then she continued, “I know there are many variables to consider, but given two average-income people, how much is a woman expected to pay?

“Airfare, dinners, hotels, outings, vacations…Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?

“If the man pays for the flight to come visit, is it fair to say the woman pays for the meals and any fun events planned while visiting if they are all initiated by the woman?

“Or if I am the one traveling west, and during my stay I want to eat out at a restaurant out of my norm…because I initiated it, should I be paying for it there?

“There is still a lot to be said for men who are complete gentlemen; opening all doors, standing up at the table when the woman stands up, helping and carrying her coat., etc. These are all so perfectly done for me, always, and I am just trying to understand the money part.

“My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.

“I understand they come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.

“They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.

“Have times changed?

“I don’t want to be a fool in love; I just want to feel supported while in love.”

Tom’s Comments

Who Pays For The Date? has been a controversial topic for years. In my 30-years of writing about senior dating, I’ve written about it several times and I published an eBook in 2009 titled “Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?” Details about the availability of that book are at the end of today’s column.

Back to Dawn’s email. Some of our men Champs may take offense to a few of the sentences.

For example, this one: “Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?”

The question infers that men who are well off should pay for everything. Love and relationships are about sharing. Not about a man paying for everything if he is well off.

And it’s important to note that women who are well off shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because they can.

Three more sentences that could be offensive to men

And then there were three other sentences that some men might find offensive.

1 “My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.”

2 “I understand they (her older women friends) come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.”

3 “They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.”

Regarding sentence #1, some men might suggest she should stop listening to her older female friends who are out of touch with the reality of modern times senior dating. Women pay nothing?

Regarding sentence #2, that her friends who have that attitude come from an era 25-40 years ago, that they can’t relate to dating in their 60s.

Let me tell you how quickly attitudes can change when people from that era suddenly lose their loved one. I speak from experience. I never dreamed that I’d have to relate to dating at my age. I was three years older than Greta and assumed I would pass before her. And suddenly, she was gone. I had to relate to dating in my 80s and no, I wasn’t about to pay for everything.

However, if I initiated the first date, I would pay for everything. Even if I didn’t initiate it. And probably the first few dates.

Regarding sentence #3, if those women lost their husbands, they would never go down the dating path again. Let me tell those women, that after sitting home night after night and being lonely, they might change their tune. Maybe they would go down the dating path again. Of course, if they did, they would have to change their thinking and not be so anti-men.

So, what about senior singles who find a new mate? Who pays what? How is that decided? Through open and honest communication, love for each other, and fairness considered, each couple will develop their guidelines for sharing expenses. A person who is more well off than their partner, and who can do it financially, will often help the partner they care about with the partner’s finances.

However, one thing is certain, neither person will likely pay 100 percent of the expenses.

Will there be occasions when the men will pay more? Of course. And where a woman will pay more. Yes.

My eBook, “Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?” is available on www.Smashwords.com. Just type in my name in the search box and all the eBooks that I’ve published will appear. The cost for the Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date is $2.39. It can be read online or downloaded to your device.

Smashwords was recently acquired by Draft2digital.com so you may have to go draft2digital.com to purchase the book. Here are the links to both sites.

www.smashwords.com

www.draft2digital.com

“Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 26, 2024
“Hello I’m Johnny Cash”
By Columnist Tom Blake

”Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

Anyone who has attended a Johnny Cash concert or seen a video of him performing recognizes his introductory words, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

I heard him say that in person more than 25 times. The most indelible time was inside the walls of San Quentin Prison. I was seated in front of the makeshift stage in row one of the prisoners’ cafeteria, where concerts were held. Approximately 500 unruly and unshackled prisoners were seated nearby. Armed guards with loaded rifles walked on the catwalk 10 feet overhead.

When Johnny walked to the microphone and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash,” the prisoners nearly rioted with joy and yelling. A prisoner seated next to me gently poked me in the ribs and asked, “Who the hell are you?”

I mumbled, “A friend of Johnny’s.”

Most Champs know I worked with Johnny Cash for two years in the mid-1970s. I remained friends with Johnny and his wife June Carter until they sadly passed away in 2003.

I’ve known and remained friends with Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for 47 years. I attempt to meet with her backstage whenever she performs in Southern California. Last September, Champ Mike joined me backstage at Chapman University; he was thrilled to meet Rosanne. (See the picture below of Mike S. and Rosanne)

A few weeks ago, Champ Dee sent me an alert that The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience international tour was appearing on January 21 at the Segerstrom Center For The Arts in nearby Costa Mesa. I thought, maybe I’ll go. Shortly thereafter, Susie Lopez, a Communications Specialist for the Segerstrom Center, contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to attend the event and possibly share the experience with my readers.

Susie said, “This wonderfully nostalgic experience will bring songs and stories to the stage in a special way the audiences have never seen or heard before.” Susie’s words piqued my interest. She continued, “With a video of Johnny from episodes of The Johhny Cash TV Show projected on a screen above the stage, a live band and singers will accompany him in perfect sync.” That description did it for me. I accepted Susie’s invitation.

(There is a link below to the production company website. Highly recommended and informative.)

I asked how she knew that I had known Johnny Cash. She said she had seen the article I wrote for the three South Orange County newspapers (and for this eNewsletter) in September about Champs Jim, Debbie and I attending a Johnny Cash tribute band concert at The Coach House in Dana Point CA.

At this week’s show, Champs Jim, Dee, Wayne, and Nancy stopped by our seats to chat with Debbie and me. It was kind of a senior dating night at Segerstrom. Perhaps some other Champs were there as well. The show was awesome.

During the show, I was nostalgic — reflecting on how fortunate I was to have known Johnny and June — but also how blessed I’ve been throughout my life.

When Johnny sang Kris Kristofferson’s song, “Sunday Morning Coming Down,” on the big screen behind the stage, I about lost it. Johnny had dedicated that song to me in the Sahara Tahoe Resort Hotel ballroom in front of 2,000 people in 1975.

At last Sunday’s concert, one band member triggered my memories: The lead guitarist. Not a man–mind you– but a woman named Debbie Horton. She is the only woman who ever played lead guitar for Johnny. She made me think of Mother Maybelle Carter, June’s mother, who was known for the song “Wildwood Flower.”

Debbie Horton knew every song and always smiled during the concert. I reached out to her by email on Monday morning; she answered immediately. We connected through the common bond of Johnny Cash.

Debbie responded: “It was WONDERFUL to hear from you! I loved how Johnny went back into the studio and recorded the old Sun Records songs with so much energy. “I try my best to play the guitar parts note-by-note and not add or take away. I kind of do a mix of Luther (Perkins) and Bob (Wooten) – depending on the song. Hearing from people who really appreciate what I’m doing means the world to me – and you know what it’s supposed to sound like!”

And then she commented about senior dating: “I lost my husband in 2017 and ‘senior dating’ has its own challenges. I’d like to hear your views on that too.”

So, Debbie Horton will become a Champ, at least to read this article, and maybe to continue receiving the eNewsletter as she is a widow. She lives in Nashville. Her website is listed below.

What three women and one man Champs said about the show

I asked our woman Champs who attended the show for their impressions. Nancy said, “Before the Segerstrom Show, I hadn’t thought that Johnny Cash was as much of a poet as a lyricist — much in the tradition of Bob Dylan. I enjoyed the opportunity to dig deeper into Johnny’s words.”

Tom’s response to Nancy: “Johnny and Bob Dylan became friends. They performed an unforgettable duet when they sang, ‘Girl From The North Country,’ which was featured in the movie, The Bridges of Madison County and is on the Dylan album, Nashville Skyline. They were so out of sync, they sounded fabulous together with those incredible and powerful voices.

I’ve known Champ Dee for seven years. She attended the singles events at my Dana Point deli. I told her back then that she reminded me of June Carter Cash. Dee emailed Monday, the morning after the show, and mentioned my June Carter look-alike comment from years before: “I kept thinking about your comparison when video/audio clips of June came on the big screen last night, and yes, I can see the similarity connection. I am highly flattered.”

She added, “The main observation from last night was I had no idea how important Johnny’s voice was. I remember watching his show a few times when I was a very young child, which is probably why I didn’t understand the impact that he was making and was so moved by seeing it from the perspective of not only the band but also the moments of his son John Carter Cash talking on the big screen.

“I am tremendously grateful for having the opportunity to have attended last night, which came about because I opened your eNewsletter, thought how fun, reached out to Jim, and logged into my account at the Segerstrom to buy the tickets! Small series of events that led to one extremely memorable evening for me.”

Comment from Tom: “Regarding Johnny’s voice, June often teased him by calling him Old Golden Throat. I heard her say that multiple times.

My friend Debbie said, “What struck me the most was Johnny’s understanding of truth. Even more than that was we all have options or choices. He chose love over hate. I’ve often said that we don’t have control over situations, but rather we have choices about how we react to situations and about our attitude toward self, others, and life. I think Johnny Cash would agree.

“And I loved Johnny’s song, Man in Black. He had incredible empathy for the downtrodden. For example, his song words, ‘I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down…I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime. But is there because he’s a victim of the times…’

“You, Tom, witnessed that live in San Quentin Prison. “(Link to song Man in Black below)

Champ Wayne said, “I enjoyed the combination of clips of his TV show, live band, and singers performances and Johnny’s son’s commentary of a musical icon.”

So, Champs, as you might suspect, this concert at the Segerstrom touched me deeply. I’ve enjoyed sharing the experience. You are all special to me. There are 3 links below:

(1) Lead guitarist Debbie Horton’s website
(2) Johnny singing Man In Black
(3) The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience
www.debbiehorton.com

Link to Man In Black

Johnny Cash Concert Experience website

**Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

vs mia parking lot 1975 — **Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

Gummies vs. Alcohol

NL #3 JAN 19, 2024,

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

From This Week’s Mailbag:

Darla messaged me on Google: “Subject: long-distance dating. I was fortunate to find your Finding Love After 50 website while I was looking for some much-needed advice on long-distance dating. I would love to be educated on what should feel good and what doesn’t.

“My love story has brought many new questions about what I’m used to in the world of dating. I question if it’s the different states he and I live in or the lifestyles we have lived. Can these things change a man and a woman that much over the years?

“Please tell me if I need to say more. I’m a Minnesota woman dating a California guy I met in a Minnesota small-town café while waitressing in the summer of 1979. Sadly, back then we said our goodbyes. Forty years later he finds me.

“Old chemistry remains, but we are two very different people now. I’m hoping my questions are the same as many other single people out there have who are trying to make a relationship work.

Tom’s comment: Sometimes I receive comments from readers on Messenger. I always respond and provide the person with my email address, which I did with Darla. I told her I needed more information to give her a helpful answer.

And as often happens on Messenger, I get no response. This happened with Darla. A long-distance relationship between Minnesota and California must be difficult. How often would people see each other? Who would be willing to move? After 45 years of not seeing each other, does the “old chemistry” really remain? We may never know.

Francine emailed, “I’m still on the dating sites. One guy wanted to meet me but gave me a difficult time in arranging it. Then he said let’s talk on the phone. Okay, I said, how about Tuesday at 6 p.m?

“He said, “Would you text me at 5 p.m. to remind me?” Ha, that’s a red flag.

“I vaguely thought I knew him from the past. It nagged at me, so I got up at 1 a.m. and looked at my phone contacts with his name and number and sure enough I did know him from a few years ago. I remembered why I never met him in person. He was a pain in the rear … lazy guy. I wrote to him and said, ‘I told you from the beginning I thought I knew you.’ I’m hardly every wrong!”

Army chimed in, “From a never-been-married man, who has been told that I’m a nice guy but … then the women move back to dating guys who cheat on them or are verbally, physically, or both, abusive to them. Then, they wonder why they always get the losers?

“I say, ‘Stop and think, these are the people you chose. You don’t think about the nice guys you left.

“I forget the percentage of people who have never been married, but the last time I looked, I thought it was surprisingly high.”

Gummies vs. Alcohol

A woman Champ who requested to remain anonymous,wrote: “I still work, so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while I am making dinner. If I do go out, I will have two or three glasses of wine. If more than two, I won’t drive.

“I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live about 30 miles apart, So, when he sees me and comes over, I usually have some wine open. I never drink to get drunk or stupid silly, it’s just for enjoyment and a reward from working hard all week, taking care of the home, paying bills, doing chores, etc.

“It helps take the ‘edge’ off. He would rather that I don’t drink at all as he does not. (There was a time he drank too much, stopped about 15 years ago, cold turkey, never went to an AA meeting in his life). Just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and do cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and together we have a great time when doing them. We dance, we laugh, tell silly stories, etc.

“The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would rather me stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for you than alcohol. So, we argue about that: Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do your champs think about that?

“Do relationships work when one drinks (socially) and the other does not drink at all?

He and I will probably never move in together; he likes his home, I like mine and sometimes I think if we did live with one another, that might cause problems for us, so I guess we will continue to be together and live apart.

Tom’s comment. I’ve never written on your topic. It will be interesting to hear what Champs say. I will add this: Do not drive even after one glass of wine, and certainly not after two glasses or more. Not only do you endanger yourself and other people, but a DUI in California will cost approximately $20,000. Your driver’s license will be suspending, you will have to attend six months of school, and an interlock device and breath analyzer will be installed on your car. Simply not worth it.

I hope Champs respond to this woman’s question.

Single woman Champ in Dana Point is still seeking a roommate

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that two women Champs were seeking roommates in South Orange County, California. One of the women, from Dana Point, is still looking. I saw her last week; she mentioned she’s still hoping to find a nice woman roommate, but doesn’t want a person who works from home. She is a delightful woman and has a very nice home.

If interested, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your information to her.

Responses to Multiple Marriages

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 12, 2024
Responses to Multiple Marriages Column last week
By Columnist Tom Blake

Multiple Marriages in Later Life?
(photo by Tom Blake)

Responses to last week’s Multiple Marriages

In reviewing the responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter, “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?”, I came upon an article on the UPI News website that surprised me. Before sharing that with you, here are nine responses to last week’s eNewsletter.

Eileen emailed, “My wonderful late husband, who was my second, had been married twice before, making me number three. We had 26 great years together and I always say, ‘I’m the one who made him happy.’”

Deanne: “I think there can be too many marriages. Sometimes we have bad luck and not much experience and that could count for (#1). Death could count for (#2). I married a murderer could count for (#3). I don’t know what others think but five or more do not motivate me.

“One of my meetup dates asked me why I answered his messages when he had been married three times already. I told him I was rolling the dice and didn’t have much to lose. He had no sense of humor, and I had my answer to the three previous marriages. Only one date and I paid for my meal.”

Laurie Jo: “Marriage is a serious commitment. I chose to divorce after 29 years. I will never marry again because I don’t want to ever go through divorce again. It was horrible. “If somebody had married twice, I’d be ok with it.

Anything over that? No. Marriage is an agreement and even as I’ve reached my senior years if somebody has been married over two times I am out. It means the person has no sense of commitment, or it means that person was a bad “picker.”

Sandy, “There is no need to be scared off by the number – until you investigate the circumstances. Caveat: Eight would still cause me to take a breath.”

Bruce, “Any number over three would be a red flag for me unless they had all passed away somehow.”

Chris (woman) “While I’ve been dating for a few months, I’ve met two gentlemen who have never been married and have no children. As a woman who was married once for 25 years, I find this curious. “Both men said they had relationships, but they never developed into marriage. What do you think of this kind of man? I’m not interested in marriage again, but it makes me think they aren’t capable of a commitment either.”

Linda, “I think the number of marriages or serious relationships can matter because if you have been married seven times, these have not been long relationships. It hints that a person may be difficult to get along with.”

Carol, “I would be concerned after three times, my personal number. It’s funny that it doesn’t seem to matter how many companions a person has had, but the legal partner? Then it comes down to personal judgment.

“To me at this magical age, I’d be more concerned If I met a man who could put his entire life into a black trash bag, eager to move in with me, that would trigger every red flag bell and whistle. There are people out there ready at a moment’s notice who bring their toothbrush on the first date!

“That’s fine when you are young–first starting out in life–but if you look the exact same at this end as you did in the beginning, learning that you have done nothing with your life, and you live from one social security check to the next, I might enjoy a conversation, but certainly nothing more.”

Claire, “This subject made me think of my 2nd marriage to Larry. My first marriage lasted 22 years. Larry had been married 4 times when I met him.

“After three years together, we married against my better judgement, I was crazy in love with him but I had seen the red flags about his not being a good bet for the ‘long haul.’

“I was his fourth wife, fifth marriage…he married the second wife twice. Larry came into my life at a time when my teenage son was giving me a lot of problems. He stepped up to meet the challenge and my children in turn loved him!

“After 7 years together though, I caught him with another woman and his affair ended things. We had seven beautiful years together and I do not regret them – just the last six months that I knew something was wrong. He passed away in 2017. He was the love of my life!

“So, my theory on this was that Larry was sent to me at the right time of my life for a reason…for a season BUT not forever. It ended badly but I am always grateful for the years he loved both me and my children. I have never loved another man like I loved Larry and probably never will.”

Senior men, be careful dating women in foreign countries

In reviewing the above responses from Champs, I came upon an article on MSN.com, a UPI News article regarding marriage in South Korea. It was titled, “South Korea’s gender imbalance is bad news for men – outnumbering women, many face bleak marriage prospects,” written by Dudley L. Poston Jr., a Professor of Sociology, at Texas A&M University. It sounded like the opposite situation of what single senior 70-plus women face in the USA, a ratio of between four to seven to one single women to single men.

Poston wrote, “South Korea’s bachelor time bomb is about to really go off. Following a historic 30-year-long imbalance in the male-to-female sex ratio at birth, young men far outnumber young women in the country. As a result, some 700,000 to 800,000 ‘extra’ South Korean boys born in the mid-1980s may not be able to find South Korean girls to marry.”

Poston added, “…similar trends are playing out in China, Taiwan, and India.” In our December 15 eNewsletter, Brutus Buckeye, a male Champ we featured, stated that he had little success finding an American woman to date. Brutus concluded his comments with, “And this is a joke, don’t take it seriously, but I may have to go overseas for a nice foreign lady!”

Here’s my comment on Brutus’s last sentence: We have three men Champs, each of whom I know personally, who did what Brutus jokingly stated. They went overseas and married women from foreign countries. All three of the women ended up divorcing those men and made the men’s lives miserable, so you senior single men who might be pondering that strategy, rethink it.

There is a shortage of single women in South Korea, Taiwan, and India. Probably, in other countries as well.

However, there are plenty of fine single, senior women in the USA and Canada, and within our Champs’ group, who would make ideal mates. Why not try a little harder to meet one?

Thanksgiving 2023 – Grateful to Champs

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

November 23, 2023

Grateful To Champs
For Helping A Troubled Woman Come Out Of The Dark

It’s Thanksgiving Day. One thing I’m thankful for is being able to write this weekly eNewsletter. When an eNewsletter ends up helping a person or people, it makes me even more grateful.

On October 6, I wrote about Trish, 62, divorced 10 years, who has been dealing with deep-seated issues affecting her life that were triggered by that divorce and other things in her life.

For the past three years, she’s been seeing a kind man who helps around her home. She described him as being a bit rough around the edges. They have a platonic friendship. That October 6 eNewsletter was basically a rant from her.

Two things transpired from that eNewsletter. One, a plethora of Champs shared their opinions, many of which I published in the follow-up October 13 issue. Some of the comments were blunt and harsh on her.

And the second thing that happened was Trish agreed to correspond with Debbie Sirkin, psychotherapist, recommended by me, who is one of our Champs. The two women connected by email.

I didn’t hear anything more about Trish’s situation until November 13, when Trish emailed me. She wrote: “I wanted to update you and thank you for your platform (Champs, psychotherapist, and you) to reach out to. The comments from Champs that I read and reread and reread were so helpful to me.

“And Debbie’s response (Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist) to me was extremely helpful.

“Debbie was correct. I get to change my thoughts, my mind, and my heart. So, I did. I looked at this man and realized how incredibly blessed I was to have him.”

“It was like jumping off a terrifying ledge into a pit. Let me tell you about the landing. It is loving, it is comforting, and it is life-confirming. The cloud of darkness, being uncomfortable and in a state of fear is gone. My eyes were opened by you and your wonderful followers. I was so stuck, like a rat on a glue board. And my man is so overcome with joy.

“Through conversation with him, and lots of it along with prayer, we made a commitment to each other. The end of the story is: we are engaged.” (adversity leads to opportunity)

What an incredible story to share with you Champs on Thanksgiving Day. Trish’s emergence into a happier life reminds me of the song by Gloria Estefan, Coming Out Of The Dark, which focused on her recovery from a broken back after her tour bus collided with a tractor-trailer truck in Pennsylvania. A full recovery was doubtful but through Gloria’s tenacity and zest for life, less than a year later, she was singing again. (click on the link below to Gloria’s song). I know each Champ is grateful for a multitude of things. Not to bore you, but here’s my shortlist.

Tom Blake Grateful Short List

I’m grateful for

-You Champs
-My sisters, Pam and Christine, and Pam’s husband Bob
-My brother Bill (who passed away two years ago)
-My two nephews, Derek and Rod
-Having had Greta as my partner for 25 years
-Good health
-Russell Kerr, my paddle-boarding buddy
-Alex the Sports Barber who has cut my hair for 37 years
-Debbie S, an understanding and caring new friend
-My fantasy football friends of 40+ years
-Other friends like Charlie Canfield and Bob Rossi-Pals Jim Fallon and Mike Stipher and Joanie, and others such as Vince, Julie and Dee, and Don and Carole Cheley in Denver, who helped me through this year of grief
-Music, and my friendship with Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash
-Friends made at the restaurant chain Victoria Station
-Living in Dana Point
-Loving and caring neighbors Alex and Colleen, and Jake and Kresta
-170 employees of Tutor & Spunky’s Deli, including Teresa, Rosa, Deb, and Sandy, each still working there, for up to 37 years
-Adelina and Regina, friends for years

Here’s the link to Gloria Estefan’s Coming Out Of The Dark song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS7qLDizDYo

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!