Two women with decidedly different outlooks on senior life
Helen
Helen emailed, “Single woman fear of dating. I need some assistance; okay, I need help. I am 71, and the monster under my bed is dating. I live in fear of dating. My last real date was in 1981. I’ve been a widow for 10 years. I tried a couple of coffee/lunch dates and had no success. I was knocked off the horse, and I just can’t seem to get back in the saddle. I’m not that young, cute girl. I lost my confidence, and I am afraid to try again. Yes, I’m chicken.
“I want a second chance, but I have convinced myself it will be a disaster. I am not the perfect older woman these men seem to be searching for. At the grocery store, I would be on the dented can aisle.
“I am all too knowledgeable about my issues. I lean on those instead of my good qualities. I think the pain of widowhood has taken away my confidence and left me feeling like failure is my only route.
“I have lots of good qualities. I’m clever, creative, intelligent, funny, and likable. I’m kind, caring, and loving. I put others first, I’m a good listener, and I know I’m still a keeper. But in the back of my head, I think of my flaws and my age. I consider myself a used car and not a classic. And I don’t want to disappoint anyone.
“I injured my ankle, so I can’t compete in pickleball. And I’m not a hardbody, but my sons say I’m still cute. I know I don’t look my age or act it either because I’m young at heart, and I’m reminded about this by strangers. I just need a kick in the butt. I need to polish up my courage and spirit.
“So, Tom, I need to pick your brain, hit up your knowledge and hope you have ideas for me.”
Tom’s comment: With all the good qualities you describe, I don’t understand your fear. You’re young, and it doesn’t matter that you can’t play pickleball. With my bony knees, I can’t either. I strongly suggest you contact a therapist to overcome your fears.
Maria
Some Champs have told me they are bored in retirement. They don’t know what to do. One Champ named Maria messaged me this week with how she is enjoying retirement and getting exercise at the same time.
I’ve known her for many years. She was my dental hygienist. Now, she has started a new business. The brochure below explains her new adventure.
Maria lives in Ironwood, near Ranco Cucamonga and Ontario, in Riverside County, California, just north of the 10 freeway. She is open to servicing customers within 25 miles of her home.
She is a reliable and wonderful woman. Trust her to take care of your dogs.
Last week, we shared widower Bill’s jitters about a first date he had with Jackie, a woman he met online. Here are 14 responses I selected, plus my comments at the end.
George, “I’m a little surprised that Bill didn’t mention what kind of full-time work Jackie does. It’s 1/3 of her daily life – it includes successes and other accomplishments, challenges and stresses. Does she have any kids and/or grandchildren? What is her family life like? Whom does she associate with and what do those people do?
“Her responses would have helped bring her out and see what the two of them have in common. Bill is a widower – does he have any kids? Do their kids have something in common?”
Kaitte, “I totally agree with Bill. Everything Jackie did sends red flags to me. This guy is a real gentleman. Send him my way to Colorado. LOL. It’s a long way away.”
Victoria, “I’d say she paid whether he knew it or not. What a waste of her time!”
S (a woman), “Jackie’s not interested. I wouldn’t exactly fall all over in gratitude for a sandwich and drink either. He sees himself spending money and it’s not going anywhere. What exactly does that mean? Where other than forward does he want to go? It’s called courting, Bill.”
Carolyn, “Oh, Oh! I don’t think Jackie is interested In seeing Bill again. He sounds like a nice guy to know and hike with. It is possible because she is still working so she doesn’t find him compatible.
“I’m happy that Bill spoke to you first about that upcoming date. You gave him excellent advice. Please let him know that he did everything right. This was just not a good connection for Jackie.
“However, I always say, ‘Keep hope alive!’ Tell him to continue to seek a woman who is interested in him. He’s a good guy to know.”
Pat, “Bill did nothing wrong and is a gentleman. Her response was lukewarm, and he should draw the line there and accept no more of that treatment. He should send a brief text thanking her for her company, since he said he would, and leave it at that. She’s a grownup and can initiate if she wants to. He doesn’t need to bend over backwards because he’s busy looking for a woman who is willing.
“She didn’t ask questions because she was dealing with what was in front of her. Maybe she wanted someone who exhibited signs of wealth so she could stop working.
“Maybe she wanted someone 60 because she believes that she looks 60 and maybe she does. None of that is Bill’s problem and he shouldn’t take it personally. He should keep looking and expect it will take effort. Lots of ladies reading this wish they could walk on the beach with him. He sounds like a keeper.
“As to ‘Who Pays for the senior date?” it’s not about what’s fair, counting pennies, women’s lib, what he expects in return, yada yada. Here’s the truth: That is how he SHOWS how he FEELS about her, and if he wants to see her again. And it only needs to be a small appropriate amount. If he doesn’t pay a small tab she will think he didn’t really like her. Enjoying a drink together is a nice gesture and it gives you something to do with your hands!”
Virginia, “Wow, I always enjoy reading your articles. Being a senior but very active and fit, I too am looking for a partner. Not wanting to get married again, but I would love to hang out, cook, and dance. Listen to music and go on hikes together.
“I must tell you the story about the gentleman that I went out with over Christmas time we went out a couple of times, and then I invited him over for dinner.
“He seemed to enjoy the dinner and afterwards I was clearing the table, and he disappeared, I went into the living room, and he had fallen asleep on my sofa! Wow, I was shocked. Maybe I wasn’t a very good conversationalist. Who knows? When he woke up, he said. “Oh gosh, I fell asleep,” and, I said, “Oh gosh, maybe it’s time for you to leave.”
Gloria, “That first date does not sound too encouraging. Jackie steered away from any plans and that may say a lot. On the other hand, she might be shy and afraid to show too much interest; we don’t know about her past experiences.
“Bill is unsure what to do, which is understandable because he got little feedback. That is discouraging. I think the only thing to do is ask her for another date. Texting Jackie might be the safest way.
“If Jackie responds with a no thank you then Bill knows and can let it go.
But maybe she says yes, and they can proceed from there. Good luck Bill, keep your fingers crossed.”
Jeanne, “Jackie definitely was not interested. I could feel her vibes. I usually let the man know by thanking him and wishing him luck in his search. I let him know that I enjoyed him but didn’t feel we were a match. A kind let down is better than leaving him guessing. Many of my dating friends felt that was the wrong way to do it and I always felt it was right for me. I guess I’m not a people pleaser!”
Marie, “Bill, Jackie doesn’t seem to want to pursue a friendship with you. Trying to win her would require a lot of time and energy spent on your part with no result. You seem to be a nice gentleman. You will find your person soon.”
Belinda, “Wow. What Bill wrote, ‘I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere’, really tells all. He’s more concerned with his wallet than he is with her! A breakfast sandwich and a beverage has him concerned? And the next date ideas were a walk or a hike…
“As a 64-year-old attractive eligible woman of some means, the way he acted on this date screams CHEAP to me. I would’ve been turned off, too. These men need to understand that especially in the early phases of dating, they can’t act overly concerned about their budget on a date. IT’S A TOTAL TURNOFF to a woman.
“We want to feel valued and respected and even put on a little bit of a pedestal early on, especially if we are just getting to know you. What we DON’T WANT is some guy giving us vibes that maybe the potential connection isn’t worth a breakfast sandwich with a beverage, or some ‘dinners that go nowhere.’
“I would’ve been cold, too. Sorry, but this guy needs to improve his mindset, so this cheap attitude doesn’t bleed through on dates.”
Gail, “Jackie is not interested in any future dates with Bill.”
Laurie, “I’m flabbergasted. That gentleman was trying to be nice, I get it. Good, he’s trying.
“But the wishy-washy waffling, ‘Ghost her then text?’ What kind of crap is that?
“She hasn’t made up her mind yet! Give her time to digest the date. She’s got a lot going on, and this is supposed to be pleasant for both people. This guy sounds high maintenance to me.”
Christine, Relationship expert, “Dating is so hard for both sides. Sadly, no one knows what to do. Even though most people seem to think ‘They should just know how to date and feel stupid that they don’t.’
“Everyone wants the other person to ‘go first.’ Say they want to do something again. Say they liked them or (even) didn’t like them.
“So, my advice to everyone is to say the truth nicely.
“If you enjoyed the conversation and would like to do it again, please say that. Yes, this can be scary because they might not feel the same way. And you’ll never know if you don’t say. And it will give you practice confirming what you want to do next and saying it out loud.
“If you didn’t enjoy your time with them then say it’s been nice meeting you and I’m not interested in going out again. I will usually say why I think I’m not a match for them because that is certainly part of the reason for my no-thank you to another meeting. Or something like I’m not as religious as you. I’m not interested in the things that are important to you. I wouldn’t participate in the things you spend a lot of time doing.”
Tom’s comments: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, the title of John Gray’s book, certainly applies to these responses. Please remember, Bill only made the comments and shared his thoughts with me, not with Jackie. He paid the tab and didn’t mention it to Jackie.
Give Bill a break. He agreed to share his personal thoughts and obviously his comments struck a chord. He later emailed me again saying, “I will wait and see if she contacts me. That could be a big clue. Probably nothing will go forward with Jackie. That’s ok.’
And then he wrote again. “I texted Jackie a thank you and a Happy Mother’s Day. She did not respond.”
This story reveals why online dating is difficult for seniors. If it works, great and if it doesn’t? Oh well, move on!”
The responses to last week’s article made me think of the song by Bill Haley and The Comets (1954) titled, “Thirteen Women (and Only One Man in Town).” Why? Today, 13 women are featured and only one man.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 9, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
A senior man’s first-date jitters
Bill, a widower in his mid-70s, emailed me for guidance regarding an upcoming first date with a woman he met on Match.com.
I thought it might be interesting, particularly to our women Champs, to know what a man thinks about before and after a first date with a woman.
Bill wrote, “I met an attractive woman on Match.com. She’s 10 years younger. She and I agreed to meet for coffee at a location about halfway between where we live, a two-mile drive for each of us. From her profile picture, she is pretty. I’m a little nervous. Her name is Jackie.
“We talked over the phone and knew at least we had a good conversation before we got together. That is a must for first-date people!”
“Can you give me any advice?”
I replied, “Is this your first date since your wife passed away?”
Bill answered, “No, I’ve had a few dates, but I’m not exactly Joe Stud, you know. But I’d like to impress her.”
I said, “Relax, I can tell you are nervous. But that’s ok, after all, this could become your future mate. Just slow down and calm down.”
“It goes without saying to wear a clean shirt. Smile when you greet her and shake her hand. No hug or kiss when you first approach each other. Men tend to talk too much when they are nervous. Be sure you ask questions about her. Encourage her to talk. Make direct eye contact with her. Smile. Use first-date etiquette; actually, any date etiquette.”
Bill said, “Thanks, that will help me break the ice. I will talk for no more than 40 percent of the time and ask her questions. Her profile says she still works full time. I will let you know how it goes.”
A few days later, after his first date, Bill sent me an update. “It went okay with Jackie. She is pretty. Will we see each other again? Probably. It could happen, but I’m unsure. Frankly, it wasn’t a great connection. She didn’t ask me many questions. I’m 6’ 1; she’s 5’6”—so that works for me. Not too tall and not too short.
“You kind of know if a woman is very interested, somewhat interested or not interested in you. She is somewhat only. But who knows for sure?
“She is divorced and didn’t talk about her ex at all. When I mentioned my wife, this woman sort of felt bad but had no questions about me. When I talked about my interests, the conversation didn’t go very far, but we stayed with her interests and travels.
“It possibly could go somewhere, but I didn’t think she appreciated the breakfast sandwich and beverage because I would have liked a nice thank you for my effort (liked she kind of expected me to pay and I guess that’s ok.)
“She steered away from future plans. I didn’t ask if she wanted to get together again or make any future plans.
“We didn’t get into politics and talked about schools, kids and travel. I probably could have gotten a little more personal and asked what she thought of me. But I don’t want any rejection. We talked for over an hour, so it was going ok, but probably not a strong connection.
“So where does this go? I’m not sure and I’m not clear about my feelings. I could reach out again, but I may leave the ball in her court for her to reach out to me if she is interested enough. So maybe I will ghost her or send her a text in a week to see how she is doing.
“I mentioned a few ideas about walking together on a hike near the beach or something and got no response on any idea she might have to do something. So, no, the date success wasn’t 100%, but more like 35%.
“At the end, I gave her a small hug, but she wasn’t responsive. So, it left me thinking, ‘Do I want to pursue her anymore?’ Maybe there would be too much work involved. She still works and seems busy. Perhaps some of my thoughts may help her. I want some kind of gratification or some kind of future interest to make me think that she and I want a relationship.
“Oh yes, I said at the very end, ‘Do you prefer a text or a call? She said ‘either.’ So, she could be still in it, but not who knows? Maybe it’s me because of my feelings. I don’t need to start chasing or try to create a fun experience. I see myself spending money on dinners and maybe going nowhere.”
Tom’s Comment: So that’s how a nice gentleman feels. If there’s any message in Bill’s story for women, it’s that if you like a guy like Bill on a first date, be a little more assertive, showing affection like a kiss on the cheek and saying, “Let’s get together again.” And ask him more questions. However, what Jackie did may indicate that she doesn’t want to proceed seeing him and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
A good place to meet men. The Palm Springs, California Air Museum. One of nearly 100 vintage airplanes on display
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter May 2, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
Is 83 too Old to Date?
In the March 21 eNewsletter, Champ Susie commented, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or, if you are a man, how do you become attracted to an older woman? I am 83 and take good care of myself. I still look pretty good after years of working out and being a dancer. I never let myself go.
“I want to go on a dating site, but my age of 83 stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”
This week, Champ Leslie responded to Susie’s above comment.
“This is addressed to Susie at age 83. You never know where or when you might meet someone. Though my man friend and I met at 75, we are each 83 now. The last two men I’ve been in long-term relationships with, each for eight years (the previous one was from 2001-2009), were both from my high school class. I chaired the reunions when we connected both times. The current 83-year-old is still active.
“I live near the Villages in Florida, and people here meet constantly. My significant other lives 90 miles north of my place, close to Tampa, and we’re usually at his place. Being your age, Susie, I understand how you feel about online dating.
“I know of a man who had never married, and he married someone also from my high school class. None of these relationships were from online dating. Both members of this last couple were volunteers for Meals on Wheels.
“Tom, I look forward to your eNewsletters; they’ve helped me very much these last several years. Thank you for sharing last week’s article about the dolphin rescue. Dolphins are amazing animals. I am also on the Quora website you mentioned last week.
Tom’s comment:
Seniors who are willing and able to get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in activities increase their chances of meeting a potential mate. Leslie makes a good point. She met her last two partners when she chaired her high school reunions. Even if you don’t serve as the reunion chairperson, still attend them if you are seeking a mate near your age, with the added benefit of sharing the common bond of having attended school together.
Eight years ago, I wrote a column about two of my high school classmates who never dated each other, but he managed to track her down 50 years later. She lived 2,000 miles away. He told me, “I always had a crust on her.” To say the least, I was shocked when they got married and appeared at my doorstep “just to say hello.”
Not only is volunteering a wonderful way to help people, but it also exposes you to people you would have never met. Leslie mentioned Meals On Wheels as an example
Other activities include playing pickleball or other sports. Attending church and Chamber of Commerce events and walking your dog is another thing to do.
This previous weekend, my significant other Debbie and I were in Palm Springs. On Friday, we visited the Air Museum, located across the main runway from Palm Springs International Airport. It’s known as the best Air Museum in the USA. I highly recommend adding a visit there to your Palm Springs “must-see” check-off list. There are nearly 100 vintage warplanes dating back to WWII, including the photo above.
You can also sit outside and watch the commercial jets arriving and departing at Palm Springs Airport with the best seats in the desert for doing that.
But here’s my point about the Air Museum. It’s a place to meet people. It’s manned totally by volunteers, women and men. Those volunteers interact daily with multiple museum visitors. Most of the volunteers are seniors and men. What a wonderful place to volunteer and visit (and maybe meet your potential mate).
Leslie makes a good point about online dating in our 70s and 80s. It’s a challenge, but it can still work. Posting a photo of oneself when we are in our 80s is frightening (voice of experience). I understand Susie’s hesitancy to do so. But it can work, I met Debbie online (on Zoosk) two years ago when I was also 83.
However, getting off the couch and meeting people face-to-face is a better way for seniors to meet potential partners compared to searching online.
Scam Alert
This Monday, while I was preparing today’s eNewsletter, unexpectedly, my computer screen locked, saying Microsoft Security was protecting it and I should call 855-793-6220. I sensed a scam and shut off my computer 3 times, and the screen was still locked when I turned the computer back on. Then, I remembered the magic of CTL-ALT-DELETE, holding down all 3 keys at once. That did it. The screen was unlocked when I tried to open it the next time.
I checked online with my backup computer, and a search revealed that the phone number is a scam.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – April 18, 2025
by Columnist Tom Blake
I had a wake-up call on Monday morning while preparing this week’s eNewsletter. My phone was about 15″ from me on my desktop. The loudest warning alert I’d ever heard from that phone jolted me shortly after 10 a.m. One second later, when the house began shaking, I realized a strong (5.2) earthquake was happening.
I hustled to the rear patio to get outside. I looked to my right. My neighbor Jake was outside holding his phone. I looked to my left. My neighbor Aaron was outside holding his phone. We agreed the quake was a doozie. Over 35 years, I’ve felt four earthquakes while inside my home. This was the scariest. Fortunately, there was no damage.
Like the Pony Express, the mail must go through. Despite unusual circumstances, the eNewsletter must be published. Have a safe week, Champs.
And now, this week’s topic:
Kids Interfering With Parents’ Relationships
A month ago, a woman, Champ, 76, living in the Midwest, wrote me about children interfering with her relationship with a man she’s dated for five years. Let’s call her Jolene. It’s not her children who are creating the problem; it’s her boyfriend’s kids and grandkids who are causing it. She wondered if I had ever written about these kids interfering with their parents’ relationships.
Jolene added, “This nonsupport situation by adult children affects other senior couples we know, in addition to us.”
I checked my Findingloveafter50.com website and was surprised to find that I have written on children negatively affecting senior relationships at least once each year in the 31 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and eNewsletters.
To read previous eNewsletters, including how kids adversely affect their parents’ relationships, simply click on the website link above and search for the categories section. Once there, scroll down to the “Senior Dating With Children Involved” listing.
I never had children, so I’m not an expert on this subject. However, I was in a relationship for 25 years with Greta. She had four children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. I knew how important family was to her. She spent a lot of time with them, which was fine with me. I was often included. I was blessed; I had a wonderful relationship with each one of her family members.
However, somewhat related to this topic, after Greta passed away, I was immediately ghosted by the kids and grandkids. I never understood why, but I guessed it was because she included me in her estate.
The details of why and how kids affect their parents’ relationships vary greatly. It seems to me that often, the biggest reason is money. Kids, I’ve been told by Champs, are concerned that they are going to lose their inheritance to their parents’ mates or lovers. That was Jolene’s boyfriend’s kids’ concern.
Jolene added, “Shouldn’t the children be happy that their father has found love? And shouldn’t they leave our relationship to us to navigate? Rather than being thankful that their dad is happy and well cared for, all that matters to them is the money they imagine they might lose. Such a pity.
“The ironic part of this melodrama is that if they were smart, they would be kissing up to me to get part of my estate when I die! I am the one with the money.” I relate to that comment by Jolene.
Jolene continued, “Today, I spoke with an elderly woman who told me her son was not speaking to her because she had taken steps to leave her assets to her grandchildren and not her children, who were already quite well off. I comforted her by reminding her that the money was hers and she could do with it what she pleased. It was her decision not her son’s decision. She thanked me profusely.”
Jolene finished by asking: “How do Champs feel about children negatively affecting relationships? I’d like to hear their experiences.”
Tom’s comment: Hopefully, Champs will let us know. The details of every situation involving children affecting senior relationships are different. It could be money, jealousy, insecurity, favoring one child vs. the others, missing the deceased parent, or the child’s demand on the parent’s time — whatever on the children’s part, or even on the adults’ part.
If children are affecting your senior relationship negatively (it’s more common than you think), talk about it with your mate to reach a middle ground, and visit a therapist or marriage counselor if necessary.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter April 11, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
Included today are comments that 8 Champs shared. The above photo was taken by me in Scotland from the deck of a Holland America Line cruise ship of 8 bagpipers, not Champs, performing on the adjacent pier. Like you, Champs, their performance was glorious.
Joe, recently divorced, emailed, “My dating has been limited to meeting women on dating apps. I had an interesting thing happen at a grocery store. I noticed a cute woman in the store. I got to the laundry aisle, and there she was again, looking at items to buy. Although she didn’t look at me, I was tempted to ask if she was single. I missed my chance.
“My fear was her saying she wasn’t interested in dating me–a comment no guy likes to hear. I am not used to approaching a woman and, after talking to her, asking if she is single. I guess that I might as well try. What do I have to lose?
Tom’s comment: You have nothing to lose, and you might gain a new potential partner. Fear of being rejected applies to both men and women. Remember the woman Champ, who saw a cute guy in the medical waiting room and blew it by not talking to him?
Single men and women should carry a business card or a card that lists their first name and a safe phone number or email address they could hand to a new acquaintance. In that way, the person could reach out to you if they find you appealing. Like on dating sites, you might experience rejection, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
Terry, “I met with my ex-wife this morning to sign all the divorce papers again. My California attorney made mistakes in the original filing.
“My ex was very angry, even though she was the one who left me. The good part is that I think her anger helped me realize that our divorce was the best thing. “With the trouble I am having securing this divorce, I will never legally marry again. This was my fourth and last marriage.”
Alison, 68, “I have enjoyed reading your articles for many years. Widowed three years ago, I ventured into the senior dating scene at the urging of good friends. They introduced me to a widower friend of theirs. We dated casually for a year before deciding to get involved more deeply. We are great companions, have similar interests, and enjoy each other’s company in many ways. He is 78.”
Cynthia, “I lost my husband many years ago and have not met anyone whom I feel chemistry like I felt before. Not to say the men I’ve met aren’t nice, they are, but it just hasn’t happened.
“However, the good news is I moved forward emotionally and physically. I’m now living in RMV (Rancho Mission Viejo, Ca.), a wonderful & great active 55+ community. And I’ve developed many new friends to boot! “I’m content with my life for now. I feel happy and grateful for who, what and where I am. And I am blessed to have reached peace of mind within myself.
“Your articles help seniors feel good (or at least better) about themselves and their situations.”
Kaitte, “I can’t believe it’s been three years since your partner passed and you’re happy again. I haven’t given up dating, it’s just that I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t make me feel like they’ll put me in a cage with their boundaries and first-date sex. And that’s before I even find out if I would like to get to know them. This cow is not for sale.
“I’ve built a good life on my tiny 1.5-acre Colorado farm over the last 10 years. I planted 1000 Spring bulbs that were at a clearance sale at Walmart in November– $500 worth of bulbs for $100. I bought them all, and they are everywhere. A man would have to be very open-minded and have his own life like yours. Give me my space.
“I don’t want a relationship that disrupts my life but adds to it.
Relationship coach Christine Baumgartner and you mention that I must give a guy a chance. I agree, but you usually know after a couple of dates if it’s going to work.”
Carolyn, “Tom’s recent romantic connection gives me hope for the future. I’m still out here looking and still enjoying myself with other like-minded seniors. “I am 73 and active. Unfortunately, many men I encounter have health issues and many walk with a cane. Not a problem for me but they aren’t able to walk too far and fall asleep a lot!
“I always enjoy conversing with all the people I meet at the senior socials. To combat loneliness, seniors should consider joining senior centers. Those places provide many activities and social events. I absolutely love my senior center!”
Ray Freer, Laguna Woods, Calif.“ Last October, you wrote about my marriage to Libby here in Laguna Woods. We are in our mid-80s. The current buzz around the Village is an event, scheduled for Sunday, May 4 at the Outlets at San Clemente, ‘The Rotary Route: South County Walk for Mental Wellness.’ (10 a.m. to 2 p.m.)
It’s sponsored by nine Rotary Clubs across South Orange County! “Several of our Laguna Woods friends are participating. I mention the walk, thinking that nearby Champs who seek social interaction, making new friends, physical exercise, and support of a worthy cause might want to participate.
Tom’s comment to Ray: Thanks for the tip. Debbie and I will be joining you and Libby on the May 4 walk. Married life appears fun and rewarding for you two lovebirds.
Michelle, “I live in Dana Point, California. I know a few Champs who reside in Orange County. What wonderful people. I asked Tom if he would mention that I am seeking a woman roommate to share my casita. It’s a half mile to the beach. Life is better when you aren’t living alone. Email me at michellvrv@gmail.com. Here is the property listing on furnished finder: https://www.furnishedfinder.com/property/594302_1
Tom’s comment. Michelle lives in a beautiful casita and is a wonderful person.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter New Monthly Feature April 4, 2025
As promised, I am implementing a new monthly feature to the eNewsletter. The photo above is of therapist Debbie Sirkin, taken by me in Dana Point Harbor in 2025.
Your comments about the new feature will be appreciated by me and by Debbie
Ask The Therapist – Volume One
By Champ Debbie Sirkin
Sex isn’t just for the young, but also for the young at heart
Recently, I have received many questions regarding “senior sex,” and I would like to address them. There is so much to say on this topic that it could fill volumes of the eNewsletter.
Since Tom limits the number of words I can use, let’s begin by getting down to basics. Here are some of the questions I have been asked recently: Please give us your definition of sex. How does sex look over the age span? At what age do people stop having sex? How often should I expect to have sex as I get older?
To begin, I need to differentiate between intercourse and sex, as well as intimacy and sex. The word “sex” alone refers to one’s biological characteristics—male or female. Adding the word “having” changes the meaning to refer to a sexual act, though not necessarily intercourse.
“Intimacy” may include sexual activity, but it can also mean sharing personal or private matters with someone you trust. Intimacy fosters closeness, and since communication is key in all relationships, using precise language can help prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
For example, when a 15-year-old client tells me that all their friends are “having sex,” I ask them to clarify. They might say a friend “went to second or third base” (which amuses me because I didn’t think today’s kids still use those terms), or they might be referring to oral sex or intercourse.
This presents an opportunity to discuss what “having sex” really means and how it varies for different people. Kissing, touching, and oral sex are all forms of sexual activity, but they are not necessarily intercourse. Understanding these distinctions is important when discussing sexuality.
At What Age Do People Stop Having Sex?
There is no set age at which people stop having sex. Many seniors enjoy their sexuality well into their 80s and beyond. Some of my former clients, now in their late 80s, have kept in touch and shared that their sex lives remain active. A fulfilling sex life contributes to overall health and well-being.
Conversely, I have worked with couples in their 30s and older who have stopped having sex. Sexual activity varies greatly across individuals and life stages.
How Does Sex Change Over a Lifetime?
Sexual activity evolves due to various factors, including the arrival of children, Menopause (which can cause vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse), Erectile dysfunction (ED), illness in one partner or within the family, changes in financial circumstances or employment, divorce, or the death of a partner.
Communication is crucial in navigating these changes. When couples fail to discuss shifts in their sex life, resentment and stress can build, further diminishing intimacy. Rather than “running away” from the conversation, it’s important to “run toward” it.
While discussing sexual difficulties can be uncomfortable, avoiding the topic often leads to a nonexistent sex life. Men with ED may stop due to embarrassment, and women may shut down due to pain during intercourse.
However, sexual activity does not have to end; it often just needs to evolve. Oral sex may sound gross to some seniors; however, it can be an effective and powerful way to overcome physical limitations. There are many ways to adapt, including medical treatments, therapy, and open discussions with partners. With the advent of ED medications, many men find their sex lives improved. Women, too, have options for addressing menopause-related changes. Consulting a medical professional can provide guidance on safe and effective treatments.
Embracing Sexuality at Any Age. Our brain is our most powerful “sex organ.” Cultivating desire through anticipation, fantasy, and communication can enhance intimacy. Sending a flirty text, sharing a lingering touch, or planning time for closeness can build excitement.
Sex does not have to be limited to the evening or the bedroom—be playful and creative. Regular, healthy sexual activity offers numerous benefits, including stress reduction, improved sleep, enhanced immunity, and deeper emotional connection. Some even consider it a form of exercise!
Ultimately, sexuality is a personal journey. Define it on your terms and, above all, make it fun! I look forward to answering more of your questions in future eNewsletters!
To contact me, email Tom, and he will forward your emails to me.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 28, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
Like many seniors, I wasn’t prepared for dating later in life. My journey began in 1993, when my third wife (6 years), with no prior discussions or warning, moved out of my house. Two months later, she filed for divorce, leaving me to navigate the dating scene—a frustrating endeavor.
Online dating wasn’t an option back then. Fortunately, I owned Tutor and Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, California, where many appealing women walked through the deli door. However, most were significantly younger and had no interest in a recently divorced man in his mid-50s.
Struggling with the dating scene, I started a blog to document my experiences. That blog inspired my first newspaper column, published on July 7, 1994, titled, Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company.
Five years later, in my deli, an attractive, soft-spoken woman about my age with a kind and gentle disposition ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice. While she waited for her juice, I walked over to her and asked her on a date. She said, “Yes, that would be lovely.” That started a 25-year relationship with Greta.
Though we never married, we lived together for 22 years, first in her San Clemente home, then in my Dana Point abode. She was a Special Education teacher. We travelled the world when we took time off from work.
Greta passed away on October 29, 2022. I was one lost puppy. Technically, I wasn’t a widower, but the pain and grief were the same. After months of loneliness, I decided to reenter the dating scene.
Without the deli as a dating hub, I sought other ways to connect with people. I attended a grief support group, which proved invaluable. Not only did it help me realize I wasn’t alone in my struggles, but it also introduced me to new friends—both men and women—whom I still socialize with today.
To any single senior, I highly recommend joining social groups as a way to build meaningful connections. I was aware that the dating landscape had changed dramatically over 25 years, with online dating emerging as a dominant force.
Aware of its pitfalls, I recognized that online dating also provided an opportunity to meet people beyond my immediate geographical area. With that in mind, I joined online sites Zoosk and Match.com. Despite hearing from some women that “All the good men are taken,” I remained optimistic.
Yes, I encountered scammers and dishonest individuals, but I also met wonderful women. Patience—never my strongest trait—was essential. After messaging Debbie for a few weeks, she finally messaged me back and agreed to meet.
She is 10 years younger and lives in Mission Viejo, about a half hour drive from my home in Dana Point. We began dating in May of 2023 and shared many interests. She worked as a self-employed psychotherapist and had two daughters and two grandchildren, living in other cities. Though we came from different religious backgrounds, we connected over our shared love of sports—she’s a Kansas Jayhawks fan, while I root for the Michigan Wolverines, our respective alma maters.
We also shared a love of music. She attended junior high and high school on Long Island (New York) with Billy Joel. And in the 1970s, I worked with and became friends with Johnny Cash.
Like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve learned to compromise and adjust—essential lessons for seniors in new relationships. We see each other three to four times a week, balancing companionship with personal space. She enjoys her time with friends, and I do the same. She also visits her family. As we approach two years together, chemistry remains. Senior dating has unique challenges, and I feel fortunate to have found Debbie.
Our journey reminds me that love and companionship are possible at any stage in life—if one remains open to the possibilities. Please send me your stories, questions, and comments. Ask The Therapist
You may be wondering what happened to the Ask The Therapist section. There have been so many questions to Debbie (yes, that Debbie, my significant other) about senior sex that I’ve decided to have her comments about that be the entire eNewsletter next week. So tune in.
Also, a woman Champ reached out to Debbie for personal help. The woman contacted me and thanked me, saying Debbie has helped her immensely.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week? March 21, 2025 By Columnist Tom Blake
Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.
One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”
When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.
To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.
Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!
“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.
“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’
“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.
“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”
Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”
Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.
“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.
Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”
Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).
“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.
“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with. “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.
“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?
“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.
“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.
“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”
(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)
Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)
Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.
“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”
Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”
He rode in too fastand wanted sex too soon. She said no.
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – March 14, 2025
By Tom BlakeColumnist
Francine’s refreshing and blunt opinions on senior sex
Last week’s column was about seniors having sex too soon and dealing with adult children when in a relationship. I received several responses, one that I particularly enjoyed came from Champ Francine in Florida.
Francine wrote, “I’d love to put my 2 cents in…as I normally do.
“Having sex too soon or too late doesn’t mean anything, as you are aware, Tom. Falling in love so soon? No. it’s not love. It’s physical attraction. Never to be confused.
“Sex in one’s 50s and 60s? Yes, I believe in that, unless two people don’t care that sex is important at any age. I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.
“If sex is not important to either party…then you either work through it or end it. Both parties must be happy. I’ve been in some ‘sexless’ relationships and wonder why I stayed at the party so long. It eventually erodes your relationship. Now, conversely, if two people don’t want sex…great.
“Now, women who are going through menopause need to visit with their doctor. There are remedies…I find that my friends in their 60s and 70s who don’t like sex, make menopause a great excuse. Maybe they only had one partner and no comparison.
“Being a Scorpio like you, I believe that great sex will enhance one’s relationship…there must be chemistry in all areas: communication, values, etc.
“We are all looking for love…mostly in the wrong places. I find dating sites horrible. Filled with scammers and/or liars. “Please tell your female readers that if a man only wants sex…he is selfish. If they come on strong, they are liars. Although I’ve had a few great relationships, and we matched immediately. It depends on the person.
“One size does not fit all in relationships. Women get closer after sex. Men, or some…pull back…It’s a terrible game.
“As far as meeting a new mate’s children… no, a week or a month is too soon to meet someone’s family.
“I am almost ready to start my book again.”
Tom’s comment:
Francine has been a Champ for years. She is a breath of fresh air: Upbeat, smart, and uninhibited. We’ve not met in person but share one thing in common. Both were born on November 11.
Regarding Francine’s reference to starting to write her book again, years ago, she mentioned that she was writing a book. I told her I’d be happy to check it out and give her suggestions. She is still working on it.
A reminder to Champs. Keep the comments and questions coming. I think what is happening is that there is much stress in the world these days, and people aren’t getting out and about as much. Or maybe it’s just income tax season, and people have other worries to occupy their minds. Or…
Ask The Therapist (Debbie Sirkin) will return next week. Please send your questions for her to me by Tuesday.
On Life and Love after 50 