On Life and Love after 50

A Journey of Love and Lessons Learned

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Like many seniors, I wasn’t prepared for dating later in life. My journey began in 1993, when my third wife (6 years), with no prior discussions or warning, moved out of my house. Two months later, she filed for divorce, leaving me to navigate the dating scene—a frustrating endeavor.

Online dating wasn’t an option back then. Fortunately, I owned Tutor and Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, California, where many appealing women walked through the deli door. However, most were significantly younger and had no interest in a recently divorced man in his mid-50s.

Struggling with the dating scene, I started a blog to document my experiences. That blog inspired my first newspaper column, published on July 7, 1994, titled, Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company.

Five years later, in my deli, an attractive, soft-spoken woman about my age with a kind and gentle disposition ordered a freshly squeezed carrot juice. While she waited for her juice, I walked over to her and asked her on a date. She said, “Yes, that would be lovely.” That started a 25-year relationship with Greta.

Though we never married, we lived together for 22 years, first in her San Clemente home, then in my Dana Point abode. She was a Special Education teacher. We travelled the world when we took time off from work.

Greta passed away on October 29, 2022. I was one lost puppy. Technically, I wasn’t a widower, but the pain and grief were the same. After months of loneliness, I decided to reenter the dating scene.

Without the deli as a dating hub, I sought other ways to connect with people. I attended a grief support group, which proved invaluable. Not only did it help me realize I wasn’t alone in my struggles, but it also introduced me to new friends—both men and women—whom I still socialize with today.

To any single senior, I highly recommend joining social groups as a way to build meaningful connections. I was aware that the dating landscape had changed dramatically over 25 years, with online dating emerging as a dominant force.

Aware of its pitfalls, I recognized that online dating also provided an opportunity to meet people beyond my immediate geographical area. With that in mind, I joined online sites Zoosk and Match.com. Despite hearing from some women that “All the good men are taken,” I remained optimistic.

Yes, I encountered scammers and dishonest individuals, but I also met wonderful women. Patience—never my strongest trait—was essential. After messaging Debbie for a few weeks, she finally messaged me back and agreed to meet.

She is 10 years younger and lives in Mission Viejo, about a half hour drive from my home in Dana Point. We began dating in May of 2023 and shared many interests. She worked as a self-employed psychotherapist and had two daughters and two grandchildren, living in other cities. Though we came from different religious backgrounds, we connected over our shared love of sports—she’s a Kansas Jayhawks fan, while I root for the Michigan Wolverines, our respective alma maters.

We also shared a love of music. She attended junior high and high school on Long Island (New York) with Billy Joel. And in the 1970s, I worked with and became friends with Johnny Cash.

Like any relationship, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve learned to compromise and adjust—essential lessons for seniors in new relationships. We see each other three to four times a week, balancing companionship with personal space. She enjoys her time with friends, and I do the same. She also visits her family. As we approach two years together, chemistry remains. Senior dating has unique challenges, and I feel fortunate to have found Debbie.

Our journey reminds me that love and companionship are possible at any stage in life—if one remains open to the possibilities. Please send me your stories, questions, and comments.
Ask The Therapist

You may be wondering what happened to the Ask The Therapist section. There have been so many questions to Debbie (yes, that Debbie, my significant other) about senior sex that I’ve decided to have her comments about that be the entire eNewsletter next week. So tune in.

Also, a woman Champ reached out to Debbie for personal help. The woman contacted me and thanked me, saying Debbie has helped her immensely.

Was Francine too blunt about sex?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
Was Francine Too Bold about sex last week?
March 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Last week, I took a chance with the eNewsletter. I published Champ Francine’s email in which she spoke openly about senior sex. Straight from the hip. Blunt, direct, and not mincing words. Very little editing on my part.

One of the comments she made: “I’m in my late 70s and would never date or be in a relationship with a man whose libido doesn’t match mine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t work for me.”

When I published her letter, I thought, “Oh, oh. I hope a bunch of Champs don’t unsubscribe, who might have felt her comments were offensive or too bold.” And then I thought, “I’ve been writing these articles for 31 years, we’ve got some brave Champs out there, it’s okay to quote them and let them have a voice.

To my pleasant surprise, no one unsubscribed. Francine struck a chord with several Champs, both men and women. I am including some of their comments today.

Champ Sharon said, “I just had to say that Francine is right on with her comments! “Being on the same page regarding senior libido is very, very important in a relationship. From experience, I know! I had married a guy whose desire for sex was way less than mine, but I thought I could make him want me more. How stupid that was!

“It only got worse to where there was no sex or affection at all, we just existed. He was a good man as society would perceive but for me, there was emotional abuse and no sex.

“When I would talk to him about this he would say, ‘This is how I am, and if you don’t like it, you need to make some decisions.’

“When decisions were made after 20 years of a loveless marriage, I had friends who said that he does so much around the house and can fix things, and is such a good man. This is how it all came across to others. He could be nice and accommodating when around other people, but then completely shut down and be the opposite when the two of us were alone. It was almost amazing to watch.

“I can hire people to do things around my house, but not for affection, sex, or love. Wow, I’m not sure why I got on that rampage! “Francine should definitely write that book; she is spot on! And by the way I am a fellow Scorpio too, on November 17th Keep up the great work Tom, I so enjoy reading your newsletters!”

Champ Mr. Terry, Thailand, “Francine wrote a wonderful bit about sex and meeting family.”

Champ and Relationship Coach Christine shared, “I loved Francine’s thoughts. She’s a smart cookie. My ex-husband was also born on November 11.

“Also, I now have a free dating advice book on my www.ThePerfectCatch.com website. It’s a downloadable eBook. Simply click on the link at the top of the homepage that says eBook and a free copy will be emailed to you. “Plus, you can schedule a complimentary conversation with me on the website.

Champ Colleen, “Love Francine! Good article.”

Champ Granny JKaren, 79, “I sure enjoy your column as usual for at least 20 years now. I was born in November but on the 25th. It usually falls on Thanksgiving weekend. This year will be my 80th and plans are in the making to make it a real bash for this legally blonde who like you enjoys SUP (Stand Up Paddle Boarding).

“My staying single with energy has kept me occupied with my business of repairing wet suits for surfers plus I help people stage social events. “I am finally putting the finishing touches on my book titled, One Lost Puppy. I’d be honored if you read even the first chapter to make sure my humor is in place.

“I would love to invite our champs to a birthday party in the surf Getto in San Clemente, CA. once I’ve got the book in hand to celebrate with.  “I’m originally from Eastern Canada. I have a USA permanent green card and a Canadian passport. My license plates are California plates.

“I am leaving for my 11th summer in Canada since 1990 with my Chevy truck and pulling another vintage trailer up there loaded with recycled wet suit material. Why the same truck?

“I leave the trailers in British Columbia, where they are converted to custom tiny houses on my German family’s 68 Acres, near 100 Mile City in Central British Columbia. The products made from recycled material are sold to fund kids to go to college.

“My new project is waiting for a grant for wheelchair kids. My dream from my book sales this fall will allow us to make wetsuits for the kids to have freedom in the water, so they won’t weigh 300 pounds. The 1969 trailer I am taking will become an office for the project. Then, it will be used for the movie from my One Lost Puppy book.

“I was tap dancing this Monday for Saint Patrick’s Day with my sponsors Kelly & Kelly ins. Largest health insurance company in OC.”

(Note from Tom. Let’s hope, with all the tariff issues currently going on, that JKaren is allowed to cross the International Border in both directions this summer. She does a lot for charity.)

Champ Wil (Hawaii), “Yea for Francine!” (note from Tom. Wil and I worked together at the Victoria Station restaurant chain in Oakland, California, and Victoria Station Denver in 1972—merely 52 years ago. He was a great bartender and a star on the Denver restaurant’s flag football team. We are still in touch.)

Susie, “Question: how does a woman become attracted to an older man? Or if you are a man, to an older woman? I am 83 and still take good care of myself, I was a real head-turner when I was young.

“At 83, I still look pretty good because of years of working out and being a dancer, I never let myself go. I want to go on a dating site, but my age stops me. I would not be interested in a man 83, and I figure no one would be interested in me at 83.”

Champ MR, “I am a woman Champ (early 60s) and believe I speak for many women. Sex with a man after just three or four weeks together is way too soon. She needs to make sure beforehand that a guy is compatible in many ways (religion, politics, etc.), and the sexual part should come later.”

Francine shoots from the hip regarding senior sex

Too Much Senior Sex Too Soon

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter March 7, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

I received an email from a woman who requested to remain anonymous. I will call her Liz.

Liz wrote, “Tom, how much sex is realistic in a relationship in our 50s and 60s, when our bodies slow down and things don’t always work so well? I feel like men expect a lot in that department. I have had many dates tell me they didn’t have intimacy in their marriages, and now they want and need it a few times a week.

“I recently met and became involved with a man on Match.com. We live an hour away from each other in Northern California, so we commuted to see each other. I am 56 and he is 63.

“We had a beautiful emotional connection, or so I thought. We quickly shared a lot about feelings, past loves, future hopes, and he said he wanted to build a life together. One of us was planning on moving eventually.

“But the expectation on his part seemed to be a lot of sex (which maybe is normal in the beginning? I don’t know.) It got to a point during our get-togethers that it was too much for me physically (menopause, etc). I couldn’t keep up with him.

“When I asked him if we could make some tweaks, even though I loved our intimacy, he seemed insulted and shut down.

“On our extended second visit, he pushed to meet my adult kids, and they thought it was too soon (only a month of dating), which I also expressed in the same conversation after he left on a visit. Both topics were handled very gently. The combination of these two items led him to end things with me.

“I was very disappointed as we had many incredible moments and shared a lot, and I felt there was a strong bond. I was falling in love with him, and I miss him.

“Do your readers have any feedback on either of these two topics—too much sex and adult children? I am so hurt. I opened my heart. I have a son transitioning out of our home, and I feel that most men don’t want to date someone who has kids at home. My children are important and a priority to me as well. He wanted an empty nester.

“I reached out to him to wish him well, and he said we had a very special connection, and it was smooth and free-flowing for him. I am moving on, but I am still perplexed by the entire thing. He came on very strong and told me he was falling in love with me and was crazy about me. Then we ran into a few bumps, and he did a 180-turn.

“He has written to me since and restated that we had an amazing connection. But he added that we are ‘in different stages in our lives’ and he wishes me the best.”

Liz added, “I have plenty of dates. I am looking for ‘the one,’ a quality man in his 50s or early 60s. who is emotionally available, financially stable, honest, kind, and has common interests. No addictions.

“We had a ton in common and strongly hit it off. I do think, in hindsight, the sex life may not have worked as I believe he was just too much for me. I don’t know. He didn’t give me a chance to work it out. He just bailed.

“My younger son is 26 and has been living with me for a year and a half. He’s a type-one diabetic so I haven’t wanted to push him out of the house. He wants to move out in the next six months or so. He has many jobs he’s working and may go back to school. He’s a great kid, young, and bright and will figure it out.

“It was the holidays and my other son who is 28 was home from medical school and the man wanted to move into my house for a week during the holidays with all of us. The house is small, and it was too soon and too quick for my adult sons.  “My older son also had back surgery and he was recovering. My boys want me to meet someone special, but they also prefer I am dating someone for some time before they meet him–at least a few months. I don’t think that is an unreasonable request. This man wanted to meet them right away and have a relationship. It was just too soon and when I gave him the feedback about it, he didn’t like it.

“I need a man who is patient with my situation (which is not that complicated in my opinion) and has flexibility and I would have appreciated a little compassion while my son was recovering from back surgery instead of being pushed.

Tom’s comment

This is the second column in six weeks where a woman Champ has fallen in love with a man quickly after first meeting him. Age doesn’t seem to matter. In today’s eNewsletter, Liz is in her 50s. In the article six weeks ago, Ann was in her 70s. Liz had fiery sex too soon with the man she met on Match.com. The relationship escalated far too quickly. The man sounds like a horn-dog.

Liz needed to cool her physical jets with him. Also, he pushed to meet her two boys before the boys were ready. The guy dumped her. She misses him and is sad. Champs may remember Ann’s dilemma. She met Ben whose wife has advanced Alzheimer’s Disease, and the wife still lives at home. Ben is lonely and a caregiver to his wife. Ann and Ben have a deep physical attraction for each other but Ben called the brief relationship off, likely due to guilt and respect for his wife.

Ann is still in deep sorrow because she loves Ben.

Liz is sad because her short-term relationship ended. In both relationships, the men ended them. If there are similar lessons in these two cases, they are directed toward the women. Be careful when meeting a new man, proceed slowly. Use your upper brain more often, and your lower brain less often. I’m not saying no sex, just take your time getting there. And don’t rush or allow a new love to meet your family too soon. You’ve spent years building family ties, and you’ve only been with a new love a matter of days or months.

Over the next couple of months. I will address the topics raised in recent eNewsletters: Sex too soon and children’s affect on a parent’s relationship. So stay tuned.

Reminder

If you have a question for our therapist, Champ Debbie, email it to me. I will share it with her. She will answer a question next week. Also, our Champ Christine, a relationship expert, invites champs to ask her questions about senior sex. Email her at christine@theprerfectcatch.com

Thanks, everybody, and enjoy your weekend.

Responses to “You Talk too Much (on a senior first date)”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 28, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Responses to You Talk Too Much (on a first date)

First date etiquette

There were multiple responses to last week’s eNewsletter about Susan’s claims that men talk too much about themselves on first dates. Thirteen (4 men, 9 women) responses appear in today’s column.

Rhonda, “Although I’m older (68), I have a lot in common with Susan, and I have also been following you for many years. I, too, have been on my own for 12 years and am disenchanted with online dating. I’ve tried different platforms, as you suggested, and even spent money on eHarmony for a full year.

“I was told it’s the best senior online dating site–expensive but worth it. It didn’t work that way for me – people from way out of the area and a few dates here and there who, yes, talked almost exclusively about themselves.

“As much as I tried to talk just a bit about me, it seemed like the man would dial back to something about HIM. It’s fairly apparent when someone doesn’t seem very interested in what you’re saying, and off they go about themselves. I have some interesting traits and things to discuss (I’m a triplet, for example), but it just gets brushed aside. Strange.

“Are these guys nervous? It’s possible, but they do seem pretty relaxed. Maybe too relaxed? Ditto for the lack of response when texting sometimes. I will text a hello, a joke, or a little something, and get no reaction but simply a picture of his dinner! Huh?

“Is it possible that many guys in our age group know there are more women seeking their attention, so they become complacent? I wouldn’t tolerate this one-sidedness from a guy who is trying to win me over.

“I am hopeful there must be SOMEONE out there for me so I’ll keep the faith. I volunteer, play Pickleball and am active and fun. I’m trying, but it’s frustrating.

Tom, San Juan Capistrano, “I’m 64, live in San Juan Capistrano, and I’ve been single for 13 years. I ride mountain bikes with a group of very friendly, mature people. I’ve learned how to socialize better and communicate since joining the group. It’s helped me take an interest, ask questions, and listen to what a person is saying. This helps me relax on a date.”

Marianne, “This is the first time I’ve replied to your eNewsletter. I’ve had the same experience as Susan. I have been on over 30 dates using Match.com and all the men talked about themselves incessantly on the first date. They may be nervous. However, I think they treat the first date as a job interview because they really don’t know another way to have a conversation.

“It’s disappointing that men our age lack the skills to carry on a mutually stimulating conversation on a date. I have done what Tom suggested and interrupted to make my own comments about what he has said, or I’ve bluntly said “My turn” with a smile.

“I always speak to a potential date on the phone first, and the conversation flows easily. It is puzzling why it is more awkward for men in person. Perhaps, in-person conversation skills are a lost art because of texting, which everyone seems to rely on these days. Texting your thoughts is a one-way conversation that doesn’t’ require sitting in front of a real-life person looking into their eyes for understanding or acknowledgement.

“My advice for Susan is keep going on dates and understand that your dates may be nervous. However, break into the conversation and talk about what you are interested in, and see how the conversation goes from there.”

Joanie, “Tom why don’t you start off with 10 questions to ask on a first date to try to get to know someone? Many folks talk too much about non-meaningful subjects (their new car, what trips they have been on, etc.)–subjects that don’t contribute to getting to know each other. So, the relationship never gets off the ground.”

Cheryl, “Champ Susan is spot on with her why men don’t ask questions! I have been dating for 20 years. I am a great conversationalist, have a good sense of humor, and am educated and attractive. Yet 99% of men talk about themselves during the entire date. I’ve asked men, ‘Do you want to know anything about me?’ Often, I must push my way into a conversation and say something about me that’s pertinent to what he’s saying.

“Sometimes I articulate clearly, but humorously, something like, ‘I hope we’re not going to spend the entire time talking about Medicare!’ I have tried everything, and the result is always the same: the man goes right back to the subject he was talking about (himself), as though I hadn’t even spoken. There is NOTHING amiss about Susan. It’s the men who need help.

“They never learned the art of conversation, or the etiquette involved. They’ve never learned how to be genuinely interested in a woman’s life. Mostly, they are busy wondering if they are going to get sex tonight or if they’re wasting their time with me. They are simply not present on the date.”

John, “I agree with Susan about finding the right prince who understands balance in conversations, as you pointed out so she could share her experiences, views, and perspectives on things with a potential mate.

“Asking questions about each other leads to information to build upon for compatibility. I hope she eventually finds the right prince among us frogs, especially in a nice area like Dana Point.

Belinda, Ajijic Mexico, “Like Susan, I’m 63. I’ve had several long-term relationships and a 22-year marriage over the last 45 years. I spent six years on Match with no dates. All the men I expressed an interest in did not reciprocate my interest. I met two guys on EHarmony. Neither were right for me. Zoosk had better results for me as far as the amount of men to meet, but because it’s a free service (or was), there are a lot of ‘questionable’ men on the site: Married, Nigerian Scammers, etc.

“Same problems on Facebook, Yahoo, and especially on Plenty of Fish. I spent years searching actively and I finally gave up. It will need to happen organically now, if it happens at all. Tell Susan I’ve also had those dates where the men just run off at the mouth about themselves and never want to know anything about me. It’s exhausting. I wish her well.”

Joel, 80, newly widowed, said, “Having spent years on Match.com up to 2012, finding the perfect mate, getting married and then widowed, I’m back as a widower in 2025.

“What I heard back then and hear now from women is that many, if not most, of the men they meet are like the ones Champ Susan met. They spill their guts and don’t seem interested in her.

“Knowing this, I go into an interview (a first meeting is NOT a ‘date’) with questions based on what a woman’s online profile says. A recent prospect told me many things about her life, wishes and hopes, her politics, her activities, etc. We talked for 1 ½ hours.

“She told me I was unusual, special, and that I would be very appealing to any women I meet because I ask questions. She said she had never met a man so interested in her. I was encouraged. In my follow-up phone call, she said she wanted to ask me questions because she was taken aback.

“She said, ‘I was so caught up I didn’t think to ask you about anything.’ I said, ask away, and she did. Turned out she either wasn’t interested in me or, maybe, anyway, at this point, so I told her to let me know if she changed her mind.

“Men will do much better if they learn about active listening and go into any first meeting with a prospect armed with questions and the desire to get to know her. You will stand out as unusual and you will learn enough to decide whether to go forward. “Here’s good place to start developing a new approach (this will work for women as well): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

Julie (in Florida), “I found Susan’s email and your response both fascinating and thought-provoking. Your point about the men possibly being nervous is well-taken. The pressure of a first date, especially in the context of online dating, can be incredibly daunting. However, I also wonder if Susan’s own approach might inadvertently contribute to the one-sided conversations she’s experiencing.

“Your suggestion of a therapist is excellent. Exploring potential communication patterns or subconscious expectations could provide valuable insights. It’s also worth considering that the dating landscape has changed dramatically, and Susan’s experiences might reflect the challenges inherent in online interactions – the lack of immediate nonverbal cues can make it difficult to gauge genuine interest or build rapport.

“I especially appreciate your new “Ask the Therapist” feature – it’s a wonderful addition to your newsletter.

“My own experience, at 73 and recently widowed, mirrors Susan’s apprehension. The dating world feels vastly different now, and the added layer of online scams presents a real concern.

“Navigating this requires a balance of cautious optimism and self-awareness. Perhaps Susan could explore alternative ways to meet people outside of online dating, focusing on activities and social groups that align with her interests. This could lead to more organic and authentic connections.”

Shelley, “Susan is correct. Most men at this age talk about themselves and are only thinking about their agenda. Maybe they are trying to impress us but just want the prize with no investment in who you are as a person. They just need attraction and a nice smile from you. Very shallow. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and know this to be true.”

Dee: “Susan thinks very highly of herself and likes being single. She doesn’t really need a man. She knows (not thinks) she’s gorgeous from her self-description. Perhaps she comes off to the men as I saw her; self-absorbed. Good luck Susan and all those lucky men who she chooses to go out with.”

Jackie, from Georgia, “I remember being on a dating site and the guy called me and talked nonstop for 2 hours. WHY I stayed listening was beyond me with his comment – “Next time you can do all the talking. I was too worn out to want another time to talk. He called one time and said, ‘Oh, the wrong Jackie!’

“I agree with you that getting out and especially enjoying Dana Point. The Harbor is inviting. Who knows who you might meet at Costco? My sister and I ran into you there a few years ago.

“I’ve dated four widowers since Randy passed and they only had marriage on their mind. For me, friendship was what I was enjoying. I’d tell Susan to enjoy her freedom! I hope you can help people with your new – ‘Ask the Therapist’ I’ve had my share of counseling in my day!

Elenute “It’s not bad to give people the benefit of the doubt, as you do, Tom. Yes, they might be nervous, etc., but they are also revealing who they are. I’ve dated a lot of men, and some of them really don’t understand that conversation should be a two-way street. It’s very hard to find one who does. Even then, watch out for narcissists.

Comment from Tom: Three men emailed me, asking if I thought Susan would be willing to meet them for coffee. I let her know. And I believe she may have agreed. Remember, I’m not a matchmaker, but it seems that it might have happened this week. When Champs email me, it’s important they include their city where they live and their approximate age.

Ask The Therapist

Dear Debbie, “What can senior men do to prepare themselves for a first date so they don’t talk too much about themselves?

Great question! I’d also include what women can do to prepare for a first date. First impressions matter, so basic grooming—showering, deodorant, flossing, and dressing comfortably and appropriately—is essential. It may seem obvious, but both men and women sometimes overlook these details.

For online dating, I found it helpful to get to know someone through messages before meeting. Texting and phone conversations reveal a lot—sense of humor, availability, flexibility, values, and common interests—all of which can help determine compatibility before agreeing to a date.

Preparation also includes a good night’s sleep, a positive attitude, and being on time. Regarding last week’s topic of talking too much, I often attribute it to nerves. If there’s a connection, I’ll go on a second date to see if that’s the case.

On the date, ask open-ended questions, (e.g, if you could change one trait about yourself, what would it be?  If your best friend could choose an adjective(s) to describe you what would it (they) be?  What does your ideal weekend look like?), make eye contact, and practice active listening. If one person dominates the conversation, try summarizing what they said and asking a follow-up question—this keeps the conversation balanced and engaging.

Debbie Sirkin, LMFT, does not provide any psychological or other health-related services or advice to individuals within the newsletter, and even when responses to questions are answered in the second person as a literary device, they are general and hypothetical, and not intended to be personal for the questioner. Answers are for general information only, and never constitute advice for any individual. Under no circumstances does Ms. Sirkin provide legal advice or medical advice.

You Talk Too Much

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 25

By Tom Blake, Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – February 21, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

You Talk Too Much (About Yourself)

Champ Susan emailed this week: “I’ve been reading your weekly column for years. Seeing you go through the horror of losing your soul mate and you following your advice to find a new mate.

“I’m 63, living in Dana Point, California, and have been single for 12 years. A couple of short-term relationships in between. I’m perfectly happy living by myself—thin, attractive, and smart. Reading about health, the experts say that a meaningful relationship adds to your health. So, I joined Zoosk, Match, and Facebook dating.

“In three months, I’ve had 4 dates with different men. On each date, the men only talked about themselves. What is up with that? Don’t they understand the difference between a conversation and a lecture? It’s not a job interview. Either you like each other, or you don’t. Why don’t they want to know more about me? I want to know about them.

“I had a 5^th date yesterday. I had to laugh at him. I have an S-class Mercedes, and he has a Tesla. He looked at my car and said, ‘OMG, you have two exhaust pipes.’ He was serious. I don’t think he will date me again.

“I’m frustrated with online dating. I don’t like Zoosk because they send you this carousel of men, but you can’t see where they are from or anything about them until you like them. Not having any luck on Match as far as getting dates. Everyone that likes me is 60+ miles away. I specify the distance, but it only makes a difference when I search, it doesn’t stop others from writing to me from far away.

“Facebook dating is free, and I get the most local people to evaluate. Am I missing something?”

Tom’s comment: “Why do the men you’ve dated only talk about themselves? I imagine they are nervous, perhaps fearing that you won’t like them, so they must tell you all the positive things about themselves. They don’t understand it’s common etiquette on a date for each person to share the conversation, especially on the first date when impressions are so important.

“Perhaps, they are intimidated by you and feel you are out of their league. They may be talking nonstop about themselves to convince you they are worthy of your attention.

“So, Susan, keep trying to meet men. Perhaps change the online dating service you use. In addition to online dating, get out and about in your city of Dana Point. Meet new people. Senior dating is a numbers game.”

That each of Susan’s four dates talked too much about themselves and didn’t ask about her is puzzling to me. I don’t have a good answer. I think it’s time for Susan to get an opinion from a therapist. It might be that she is doing something wrong by attracting strange men.

I remember the novelty smash hit song, “You Talk Too Much” by Joe Jones. When it was popular in 1960, I was in college at DePauw University, Greencastle, Indiana, and scored a date with one of the most attractive women on the campus.

She dominated the conversation about herself, and that song kept popping into my head while she chatted away. I didn’t understand why she was talking so much about herself. I guess she didn’t want a second date with me so she figured if she dominated the conversation, I would realize the date would be our only one. She was right, we didn’t go out again. But we remained cordial friends.

When Susan emailed me her question this week, it reminded me of that date 65 years ago. What a riot! Both senior men and women should remember conversation etiquette on first dates and all dates. If conversation slows to a standstill, or your date is talking too much about themselves, ask him or her a question like, “Would you like to hear a bit about me?” That question would be a good reminder for them that they are talking too much.

My buddy Jim says it’s also important to make eye contact with your dates, and they should make eye contact with you. If the one-way conversation continues, consider rolling your eyebrows, yawning, or rubbing your nose.
If the question and the gestures go right over their head, that person isn’t the right potential mate for you. He might be a narcissist, unable to adapt.
A final somewhat unrelated thought. What did Susan’s Tesla-owner date mean when he commented about her two exhaust pipes? That guy sounds pretty strange to me.

So, Champs, let’s hear your opinions about Susan’s issue.
And one new item. Since Champs have been asking me about therapists lately, I’ve decided to implement a new eNewsletter feature. It will start in next week’s newsletter and appear every other week, at least for now. It will be called Ask The Therapist.

The way it will work: Champs will email me with Ask The Therapist words in the subject line. Then they will write out their question within the body of the email. Limit 50 words. I will share the question with Champ Debbie, a therapist, and my significant other, and she will write her reply in an upcoming eNewsletter. We will give it a try and see how it goes. Only first names will be used. Your city is optional. This feature will appear at the end of the eNewsletter.

Senior marriage-Think it Through

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterFebruary 14, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Remarry? Take time to think it through

Like many of you, I’m busy trying to downsize. My biggest challenge is to get rid of 31 years of writing files, boxed mainly in my garage (the first column was published on July 7, 1994).

Back in 1994, the newspaper listed my articles under the Middle Age and Dating category. Now they are under the On Life and Love after 50 category. And what often happens while downsizing in the garage, I come across an article written years ago and ask myself, does the message still apply in 2025?

For example, today’s column was first published in the San Clemente Sun Post on August 15, 2009, and was titled Remarry? Take time to think it through. Here is that article in its entirety.

“Many older singles tell me they would like to marry again. Widows and widowers in particular remember the wonderful times they had and want to recapture similar feelings. Some rush into marriage in a matter of months after meeting a new love.

Eventually, most divorced people get over their bitterness and some decide they like married life better than being single. If you are one of those who want to tie the knot again, and you are in a rush to do so, take a deep breath.
(A reminder, this is was written in 2009)

In response to last week’s column about Karen, who met a guy on Singlesnet.com, one woman said, “Thank God you did NOT marry this man. I met a guy…4 months engaged…married after knowing him 6 months. He turned out to be a very jealous, controlling, verbally abusive man after 6 years of marriage.

“You (Karen) are a free bird to fly away from this dysfunctional person and find a great man who will bring out the best in you and love you unconditionally.”

However, still seeking the taste of marriage, Karen has reconnected with her ex-husband, but promises she is ‘going slow.’
In another case that took place in Oakmont, a Santa Rosa, California retirement community, where single men are rare, a widow accepted a widower’s proposal to marry after five months of dating, fearing that if she didn’t accept, he’d move on to the next widow. (That’s known as settling) She moved in with him. He was a cantankerous old man and from the get-go she had that sinking feeling in her stomach that she’d made a mistake. He ordered new carpeting. After the carpet was laid and he‘d signed off on it, he decided he didn’t like the color. The carpet store said tough luck. He then cut a piece out of it and blamed the store for the hole. They told him to take an even bigger hike.

Shortly thereafter, his new wife, tired of that kind of behavior, moved back to her home, grateful that she had kept it. Of course, divorce followed.

In a third situation, a woman met a man online on a religious site. They lived on opposite coasts. She moved to be near where he lived. A few weeks later, they met in person. Within months, they married. A couple of years later she realized he wasn’t ‘as advertised.’ He had little money and didn’t have a job and had become a financial burden on her. They are going through a divorce.

Let me say this in defense of marriage later in life. Many work out so I’d be out of line to pooh-pooh all later-in-life marriages. Besides, to do that, I’d be shooting myself in the foot. In my new book, How 50 Couples Found Love After 50, which is being released at the end of this month and is now available to purchase online, 60 percent of the couples featured in the book went on to marry. I’m simply suggesting taking it slow before making a later-in-life marriage decision.” So that was from 2009.

And frankly, not much has changed about senior marriage 15 years later. Two months ago, I wrote about Ray and Libby, a couple who knew each other when they were young, and they got reacquainted at Laguna Woods Village, in Orange County, California and what a beautiful marriage they had. My advice remains the same. Take time to think marriage through. I was sharing today’s column with my sister Christine Blake, and she had one piece of advice to add about senior marriage: “Pray it will work.” Good idea Sis!

P.S. now in 2025, I still have a limited supply of How 50 Couples Found Love After 50. No tariffs on the book. Deeply discounted. Seven bucks plus shipping. Email me at tompblake@gmail.com and we will negotiate a deal.

Valentines 2025

Heaven’s Ladder

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 31, 2025
By Columnist Tom Blake

Heaven’s Ladder

I’ve been receiving far too many emails and messages lately from Champs whose spouses or significant others have passed away. Many have been from men, who have lost their significant others. I thought men usually passed away first.

In October 2024, Champ Joel’s wife Wendy of 12 years passed away. There have been many other similar situations.

A few of the men who have written me are my junior high school and high school classmates. That doesn’t surprise me. Why? Because the men in my class are in their mid-80s; we graduated from Jackson High School in Jackson, Michigan, in 1957.

I don’t intend to dwell on this depressing subject, but I’d like to share a poem from Ed Hatch, a JHS classmate, that he emailed me last week. Ed’s wife of 57 years, Elke, passed away on November 24, 2024, at age 77.

Background information on them will help you understand why I am including the poem today. Ed attended Haverford College as an undergraduate—and studied English and German. After graduating in 1961, he taught American Studies in Mainz, Germany.

Elke was born in Germany. At age 16, she spent a year as an exchange student at The University of Michigan. In 1966, she began her studies in Mainz. One day she walked into Ed’s classroom, and he noticed her and felt she was attractive.

Despite the eight-year age difference and nationality difference, they met and started a romance. They married a year later on December 30, 1967, in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where UM is located. At that time, Ed was enrolled in German studies there.

Ed became a teacher of German at the University of Dayton in Ohio. Elke earned a PhD in German Literature and worked as a translator and taught German at the University of Dayton for 30 years. German was their household language. She and Ed have three children and four grandchildren.

After Elke passed away, her sister sent Ed a poem she had received in the mail. It was written in German. Ed made a “rough and hurried” translation of the poem into English and sent me a copy.

As I read it, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I decided to share it with you Champs today. It is so beautiful and relatable to anyone who has had a loved one or a friend or animal pass away.

And as we Champs age, we encounter losses more and more. This poem will warm your heart. Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem “Heaven’s Ladder”

Hello, dear friend below, sometimes I see you crying, see your sadness and tears, and that’s why I want to say: My earthly clothing I’ve left behind because I don’t need it here at home, where I am very near to you, and always in your heart. I truly count each heartbeat. Believe me, when I say, only those whom we do not miss have in fact truly died. And since I am not in your life, I am a part of your soul, I am a part of who you are, and I shall never leave you alone.

Understand, I am in fact at home. I did not leave; I only went ahead. I went there where it all began, where in the future…we shall meet. So, because it is good, love life as I also loved life. And as you go, keep smiling. Simply smile for me as you go. Nothing and no one can separate usnot even what we call death.

Death cannot destroy love, and because you love me, it will remain. When the wind caresses your hair, simply know that it was I. I sit on the ladder to heaven. And love you from here above.

Thanks to Ed for sharing his pain and love with all of us. He stated that the poem Heaven’s Ladder has helped him greatly in his early stages of grief. The poem has helped me.
And Ed is now a Champ, a member of our eNewsletter group.

21 Responses to “False Hope” article from 2 weeks ago

By Columnist Tom Blake

January 28, 2025

21 Edited responses to last week’s False Hope eNewsletter

Last week’s eNewsletter struck a chord with many Champs. A widow named Ann had fallen in love with a man whose wife has Alzheimer’s. Here are 21 (edited by me) responses.

Liz, Illinois. “You provide an incredible service to us as senior citizens. I just turned 84 and have been receiving information from you for close to 3 decades.”

Jim, “A friend of mine has a wife he takes care of and has started to spend time with another woman, but it’s very casual and for companionship only. He doesn’t talk much about it. I think he feels guilty somewhat and awkward to talk about this other lady.

Linda, “I think Ann shouldn’t see Ben until his wife passes. Getting involved now just makes a hard situation even tougher. His wife needs her husband to take care of her. I realize once you opened that door, it’s hard to keep the emotions contained but wouldn’t continuing be cheating? Not the right way to start a romance.”

Belinda, “Ann should send a last email to give herself some closure here so she can move forward with someone new. She should tell Ben that she’s attracted to him and that she’s interested in a potential relationship with him, but not until his wife has passed.

“Ann should tell Ben she wishes him well as he navigates this tough part of her life, but she will continue to live her best life for now and that if he is interested and able to be fully available, he should get in touch with her at that time.”

Eleute, “Ann should not contact him. He sounds like an impulsive person, and he may well contact her anyway. Hopefully he won’t, as his responsibility is to his wife.”

Jackie, “I read with heartbreak your letter from Ann and her situation. A woman friend I know got Alzheimer’s, and her husband kept her home as long as he could. Then, for her safety, he put her in a home. He went there every day to feed her breakfast lunch and dinner and spend time with her.

“He was so lonely he started a friendship with a nurse’s aide. His daughters are convinced the aide is a gold digger, taking full advantage of the father.

“He was a wealthy man and the rest of the family were upset because they felt while their mom was alive, he should not have this companionship, which developed into more when the aide moved into the father’s home.

“Two daughters turned against him. They said how can you explain that a good Christian man is cheating on his wife to the grandchildren.

The daughters felt the woman took full advantage of the situation and tried to replace the mother before it was time, and the father was so devastated that he was losing his wife and his family as long as “that woman” was living there.

He turned to this woman for companionship and for love because he hadn’t felt loved in a very long time as a partner.

“The father knew his children were right– it was a very bad example moving the aide into the home while grandma was still alive. And his loneliness and desperation for connecting with another human being put him into a headspace where he felt his life was of no use to anyone and he committed suicide.

“I recently lost my husband, so I understand the loneliness that goes with it. I feel the same loneliness and it’s hard at night when you’re used to talking and watching TV together and doing even simple things and now it’s just me and the pets.

“I pray that Ann will put the ball in his court and leave it there.

“I think Ann made a mistake, inviting him to her home. Meeting in a public place for coffee or wine and then leaving it there would have been best. Bringing it home, allowing him to kiss her sends a definite message to Ben and any man that she’s open for more of a relationship than he might be ready to give in those situations.

“Ann needs to talk to a therapist to help her fill the void in a healthy way of her loneliness.”

Stephanie, “Ben, by asking Ann to come over when he was nude in the hot tub and his wife in the house was way out of bounds and weird. Ann should see a therapist about her sadness, and it’s just my take on it, he is not ‘the one’ for her.

Virginia, “When the (now archaic) marriage vows ‘until death do us part” were formed many years ago, we didn’t have unforgiving relentless diseases such as devastating Alzheimer’s or other life-threatening diseases and people died at earlier ages.

“Now, with scientific advances in health care, life can be prolonged even with diseases, creating this modern ‘dilemma.’ Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed to read ‘until physical /mental health do us part,’ with an added commitment to assure the affected spouse that has an incurable physical /mental disease will be taken care of.

“In that way the (usually older) remaining spouse would be free to enjoy any ‘Golden Years’ left, with or without another life companion. Life is short, and we are dead for a long time!

“It doesn’t seem ethically or morally right that the remaining surviving healthy spouse would be lawfully required to sacrifice his/her own remaining years of life because modern advances have overtaken archaic laws. The stark reality of the mental and physical issues along life’s journey can be cruel.

“Previous lifestyles and genetic health issues in either partner that result in incurable mental or physical illness cannot always be predicted, and it doesn’t seem fair for both spouses to suffer.”

Jonie, “Ann has an interesting situation. The minute Ben invited her over to his house, where his sick wife lives, while he was in the hot tub and told her he was naked she should have ended her attraction to him. Something big time wrong here. She is better off not pursuing this guy. She might be a bit desperate, but she needs to get over that.”

S, “Seriously Ann? You’re a grown woman. He’s not ready after you turned him down on skinny dipping. Had you shown up he would not only be ready, but chomping at the bit. Move on.”

Larry, “It is amazing how so many people fret over establishing relationships. He invited her to join him in his hot tub.She invited him over to her house to drink wine. Alzheimer’s or not, he is a married man.Shame on both!”

Gail, “Ann is full of contradictions and putting way too much emphasis on finding a man to make her happy.

“Finding good things to do for your community is so important and will fill some of her needs. She needs to back off and not meet him until his wife is gone. She can support him verbally, but not through get-togethers.”

Jeanne, “Definitely a therapist! Ann needs some help with this. She’s lonely and this situation is complicated!”

Francine, “Loneliness takes on many forms. He is lonely as he lost his wife’s affection and attention a long time ago. Ann is lonely and he gave her some hope. I’d say she does not need therapy but rather join some clubs that interest her. I’d also suggest a ‘do-over. What is that? It is the new year. Maybe lose a few pounds, go to the gym, get a new hair style or color, facials. Improve the outside while working on some hobbies and soul searching.”

Kaitte “Isn’t that a catch 22. In Love? In less than 2 weeks? It’s possible–definitely chemistry there–I’d be cautious giving my heart. He’s obviously thought this through. He chose to keep his wife home, with a lot of responsibility. Relationships of any kind are work. You must be available and he’s saying he’s not–even though he wants to be. The only thing I’d do maybe be a support system, or not if that’s too much. Or put communication on hold until the situation changes. I’d get on with my life in the meantime.”

Sher, “Ann should not see or contact him again. She should make efforts to get out of the house and meet people socially. Don’t try to make it happen, it will happen organically. Take a break to grieve a bit, then open your front door and walk out into the world. Take walks, chat people up in markets, hit the nearest driving range, tons of men there, sign up for lessons, or buy a basket of balls, and ask for help with your swing.”

Patty, “Watching your loved one fade away makes loneliness have a new meaning to us all.

“You’re losing your best friend, your lifelong hero, and best friend-confidant too. You get a little crazy with the changes of abandonment, even though it wasn’t intentional. Tell her to stay far away from him, even further than she thinks.

“He has a lot of mourning to do thru this process…and no offense Ann, but you are a band aid. Don’t put him OR you through this.

He needs time with his struggles.”

Carolyn, “Ann must stop contacting Ben! Yikes! Ben is simply playing with her heart. Ann is lonely. I feel bad for her as she is the one being hurt. He wanted Ann to come over and jump into the hot tub with him while he was naked? That did not sound right at all! After Ann declined his tawdry offer, he stopped contacting her. He is leading Ann on and that is so wrong and sad!”

Sandra, “I am not a singles expert (especially at my senior age). She should respond only to his last text with understanding comments. If she was the last one to text him, she shouldn’t try again.”

Deanne, “Shame on Ann. She sounds like a ten-year-old. She can’t be in love, just lonely. She needs to talk with a professional. This man is married, and his wife is slowly dying. Ann needs to realize what it would be like if she was this poor woman. Going after a disabled and dying woman’s husband is disgusting.

“I’m a ten-year widow. I watched my husband die. I took care of him and never thought of another man. I think they both sound a little off.”

Brenda, “Ben is not ready. His emotions are probably all over the place right now. I believe the best thing for Ann to do is be friendly if she sees Ben out and about but not contact him. If anything, just text or email and wish him well and tell him that she understands. I feel for her.”

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. It’s a difficult situation with so many emotions in play.