Category: Uncategorized

Assisted Living Romance

Single, eligible man at Assisted Living Facility?
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 20, 2024
Assisted Living Love
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Finding Love is Possible at Assisted Living Facilities

Lillian Phillips emailed this week, “I’ve been a Champ for years and love your column. When I was 85, I had been widowed a second time and had been living with my son for three years. I needed a hearing aid and a walker to get around–not exactly dating material!
 
“In January 2022, when I turned 86, I entered an assisted living facility in Henderson, Nevada, thinking, ‘Here is where I’ll probably die.’

“Two months later, a gentleman named Sid was invited to sit with other ladies and me in the dining room. When he walked through the dining room door, he looked confident and handsome. He had a full head of hair and didn’t use a cane or walker to get around. He was 92 and charming. I wondered, could I be Finding Love at 86.

“During many meals together, we got to know each other and grew to ‘like’ each other very much. I had a terrible crush on him but kept all these feelings to myself. As I said earlier, I didn’t feel I was dating material and many single ladies were living here with their eyes on him. I didn’t know he felt the same about me. 

“Just before Christmas 2022, we took the same elevator to our floor after dinner and there he said, ‘Don’t you know that I’m crazy about you?’ Those words were all I needed, and I knew that I loved him deeply, and expressed this to him. He told me that the one thing that captured his heart was my smile. I have much to smile about these days. I had thought that I couldn’t fall in love again.
 
“After several months we both realized that our life was more joyful together.
“This handsome ‘silver fox’ proposed marriage. We married on June 19, 2023, at the facility. Wow, marriage at Assisted Living.

“We knew the risks of marriage at our age: health, finances, family. We discussed all this and have worked it out. Whatever time each of us might have left we’ll take it together. My experience is that you are never too old to fall in love, and you can never be sure where or when love will show up. I’m

88 and Sid is 94, but our hearts are forever young. Your column inspired us.”
Tom’s response to Lillian. “Your heartfelt story is a message of hope that will encourage many older singles, especially those in an assisted living facility, to never give up. We wish you well for years to come.

eNewsletter Questions 

From time to time, I receive technical questions about the eNewsletter. By technical questions, I mean how it works and why a Champ sometimes receives two copies of the same eNewsletter in the same week.

A woman Champ recently emailed “I noticed lots of duplicate reminder emails. My email address has been messed up and I just figured out how to straighten it out. I don’t always get to your article right away. Can you turn off the reminders, so I don’t get duplicates?” She was getting duplicates because her computer wasn’t functioning properly.

I responded. “The Sunday duplicate emails are only sent if the Friday email was not opened by the Champ. By sending the duplicates, about 220 people open the resend. If I turn that off, I lose 220 or whatever the number is, from reading the eNewsletter. The system won’t allow me to turn off an individual address (but it will allow me to delete them).

“Thank you for bringing up this issue. I appreciate your years of loyalty.”

Often, when Champs stop receiving the eNewsletter, it means they have inadvertently deleted themselves. Our Constant Contact email server does not allow me to resubscribe them.

To resubscribe, Champs need to go to my “FindingLoveAfter50.com” home page and resubscribe themselves.

Or the cause may be that your server has blocked the eNewsletters. If that’s the case, you will need to fix that situation yourself (or, with the help of your grandkids).

A Week of Little Blessings

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter September 13, 2024

By Tom Blake Columnist

An eight-foot statue of Johnny Cash is being unveiled in the Nation’s Capitol Emancipation Hall on September 24. I thought, how cool, I’d love to be there, but I assumed it would be an exclusive “by invitation only” event. I searched online for details.

I saw a copy of the formal invitation sent to United States Senators and House Members. Even they had to RSVP to reserve a seat and indeed, it was an “invitation-only” event. I telephoned the Sargeant Of Arms spokesperson listed on the invitation and she told me there was no way I could get a seat on my own. She did mention that a limited number of seats had been set aside for Cash family members and suggested I contact them.

I’ve known Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for nearly 50 years. On a whim, I sent Danny, Rosanne’s road manager, an email request to ask Rosanne if there might be an empty seat left that I could occupy. For luck, I put on my Johhny Cash t-shirt before venturing out for the day.

Within minutes, Danny responded: “I’m sorry Tom, Rosanne has already used up her allotment.” I thought about guys like Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson who are probably on Rosanne’s list so I wasn’t surprised or disappointed. However, being able to dream like that at my age is a little blessing.

My next-door neighbors, Jake and Kresta, have a son who lives in Nashville, Tennessee, and they own a home there. They visit often. A friend of mine who also owns a home in Nashville but lives in Dana Point stopped by my house that day to hopefully meet them. I introduced her to them. They compared notes and found that their homes are in the same suburb only a few blocks apart. They became friends. That was a little blessing. What a small world.

A while later, still wearing my Johnny Cash t-shirt, I stopped at Trader Joe’s. When checking out, there were two young men (age 20 or less) working the cash register together. While placing my items in a paper bag, one of the guys saw my t-shirt and said, “Do you like Johnny Cash?”

I replied, “Yes, I knew him and worked with him for two years. He was a great guy.”

The boy’s face lit up; he said excitedly, “I love Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash. The next time you come in can we take some time, and you tell me more about him?”

Here was a young man approximately 64 years younger than me and we both admire Johnny Cash. We had an immediate connection. That was a little blessing.

And speaking of Trader Joe’s, I’ve owned a black and red T.J.’s insulated bag for at least 20 years. I’ve taken it on trips overseas multiple times. It’s virtually a world traveler. It’s so versatile, lightweight, and convenient.

The day after being at Trader Joe’s, I walked to the sidewalk in front of my house. There was a new Trader Joe’s canvas tote bag, exactly like mine, on a bush near the sidewalk. It was empty except for a pink Gelson’s Market receipt that showed a name and a telephone number. I thought to myself, “I bet the owner would like to have that bag back. And if I leave it out here near the sidewalk, anybody walking by could snatch it.”

I brought the bag inside and texted the number on the receipt to explain I had found the bag. A day went by, no response. I decided to leave a voice message. Three hours later, the phone rang. It was Jack, the bag’s owner. I suggested we meet somewhere so I could give him his bag. I told him the name of my street.

He told me his. Same street. Turns out, he lives at number 5, and I live at number 15–50 yards away but around the corner. Both of us have been in the neighborhood for years. We had never met. And, now, we are friends. That was another little blessing.

This week, I stopped at Tutor and Spunky’s, my former deli in Dana Point. A woman I’ve known for 30 years named Eileen Gordon, a personal trainer who works in the same center, was there and we chatted for a few minutes.

I sell my books at the deli. A delightful employee named Apple told me a woman customer named Wendy Adam had bought one of my “Tutor & Spunky’s Deli. A Dana Point Landmark” books that I published in 2021. Wendy had left the book at the deli hoping I would sign below the picture on page 232.

The picture on page 232 is of Vern McGarry, a loyal deli customer, an accomplished skydiver, and the volunteer coach of the 2007 Dana Hills High School track and field high jumpers. Three high jumpers were also in the picture. Vern sadly passed away a few years ago.

And then Apple said with a tear in her eye, that one of the jumpers was Wendy’s son Jeff Adam. And that he had passed away unexpectedly at age 20, which is why Wendy wanted that page signed. Apple had Wendy’s phone number and called her to tell her I was at the deli signing the book.

As fate would have it, Wendy was doing personal training at Eileen’s exercise gym.

As I was about to sign under the picture, Wendy came into the deli. We had never met. I asked her about her son Jeff. She told me how Jeff had passed; it was a day after he performed in a decathlon event. She and I hugged. There were tears all around. Thanks to Apple for being so considerate and caring toward Wendy. What a little blessing that event at the deli was.

Blessings come in all sizes. I experienced them this past week.  And I am blessed.

Single seniors be assertive

Champ Sharon Likes Guinness and Ireland
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter September 6, 2024
Single Singles Be Assertive
By Columnist Tom Blake 
Sharon (from Pennsylvania) wrote, “I sure am glad you continue writing because I enjoy hearing from you every Friday and yes you are blessed with the gift of writing. I love how your wonderful, fun, and upbeat personality comes across in some way within every writing! 

“I agree that we Champs need to get out there and socialize. You and I exchanged emails two or three years ago and you encouraged me then on ways to meet someone. 

“I am always keeping the thought of meeting a truly nice, humorous, and fun guy in my mind as I go about my days. I met a man at a classmate’s funeral. He asked if the seat beside me was taken and I said no. I liked him instantly and we talked and found out we attended the same school; he was a year behind me. He also had known my Dad. 

“He asked me if I was married and I said no; he said he wasn’t either. After the funeral, he asked me if I wanted to walk at a local park. I did, we communicated well, and he held my hand as we walked around the park. We even kissed and I was starting to think wow I can’t believe I am meeting this man. 

“Then he was honest with me and said he lives with a woman, my heart sank. He wanted to see me again and I said ‘No, it sounds like you already have a girlfriend!’ So much for that! 

“I keep busy taking care of my house inside and out. I am meticulously fussy with keeping everything neat and have had several men stop and talk while I was outside. One even told me his wife passed away last year and that he was taking a trip out West, but I haven’t seen him walking since. 

“I play pickleball or work out at Spooky Nook Sports (A sports complex in Lancaster County, PA) most days. And I attend a class breakfast and a retirement lunch each month. Plus, I go to all three of my grandsons’ sports events every chance I get, and the normal store jaunts and church on Sunday.  

“I’ve had no luck meeting anyone, I am beginning to think good men are hard to find and think I should just be happy with my own company. Maybe people are more friendly in California than in Pennsylvania!” 

Tom’s response to Sharon 

Sharon, Thank you for your kind comments. To me, Champs are trusted friends. I call them privately ‘Tom Blake’s Senior Champs’. Or Tom’s Champs for short. Hence, I am comfortable being open, honest, and comfortable with all of you. Most single Champs, both men and women, would like to meet a nice, humorous, and fun potential mate. Besides those three important characteristics, many Champs (women and men) tell me that senior physical attraction is at or near the top of their characteristics-wanted list.

And I am one of them. The guy you met at the funeral was a snake. He asked if you were married and you said no. Then, he responded that he wasn’t married either, inferring he was unattached. He held your hand and kissed you. Wow, that is physical attraction right off the bat. I don’t blame you for feeling uplifted at that moment. Instant chemistry is the stuff that dreams are made of. 

You said he was honest with you. I think you mean, honest after he acted like he cared for you. He held your hand, kissed you, and later confessed he lives with a woman. He was a dorkster (a term not recognized in the English language but one that my favorite brother-in-law uses often).

I imagine that every Champ who reads today’s eNewsletter would have had their heart sink as well under those circumstances. It was the old bait-and-switch method. And you did the right thing by saying no, you would not see him while he is living with a woman. 

Regarding the guy who walks by your house whose wife has passed away, if you are attracted to him, the next time you see him, invite him over for coffee or a bite to eat.

And check out the other men who walk past. If you don’t see a wedding ring or a woman holding onto their arm, ask them casually if they are single. Be assertive, not aggressive.

If you suspect a man is single, and you find him appealing, suggest you get together. 

Continue doing the things you currently do outside: attending the grandkids’ events, pickleball, luncheons, breakfasts, store jaunts, and church. Those are so critical. It increases your chances of meeting a potential mate, but being active and keeping your body moving is good for your health. Remember, it only takes one person.

Continue trying to meet someone in your city. That beats the heck out of online dating. Remember, be friendly and always smile. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the men you see and their status. You might try online dating in the future, but it’s a whole new endeavor.  

And yes, good men are hard to find. But they are out there. And for men, compatible women are hard to find. Yes, the ratio of single women to single men puts men at an advantage. But neither women nor men should give up hope. Keep searching. Pursue every opportunity. We just never know when fate or a higher power will step in to help us. Yes, be happy with your own company, but don’t stop trying to meet someone. As Fleetwood Mac sang in their song, “Don’t Stop”:

“Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”Don’t stop, it’ll soon be here”It’ll be better than before”Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone”
(song link below) 

Are men in California friendlier than in Pennsylvania? Probably not, there just are more of them. But, of course, there are more women in California too, so that evens out with the great state of PA. Please keep us posted. Champs tell me they want to hear about the journeys other Champs are experiencing. I wish you well. And if any Champ would like to contact Sharon, let me know. I will put you in touch with her. 

Link to Fleetwood Mac song, Don’t Stop:

Bing Videos

Fantasy

Authentic Autographed USFL football owned by Tom
On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 30, 2024
Senior Dating Fantasy and Football
By Columnist Tom Blake 
The first paragraph of my initial newspaper column read “Unfortunately, many of you have been there, are there now, or will be soon. Where? Middle-aged and dating again.”

The second paragraph was, “I won’t bore you with why my wife and I separated. The separation occurred Christmas time, 1993.”

That initial column was titled “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company” and appeared on July 7, 1994, in the Dana Point News and the “Laguna Niguel News in South Orange County, California.

Seeing my column that day in the two newspapers nearly floored me. Why? Six months before, when the separation happened, I wasn’t a writer, let alone a newspaper columnist. But it’s amazing what can happen to people when adversity strikes. Opportunity often arises later and when it does, people should seize it.

And now, 30 years after that first column appeared, I feel as blessed as I felt then to have my articles appear in printed newspapers and eNewsletters.
In 1994, middle-aged dating was difficult. I wasn’t prepared for it. But as Frank Sinatra sang in My Way, “…when there was doubt, I ate it up and spit it out.” I muddled through and wrote columns about the senior dating challenges I faced.

Newspaper readers, mostly singles, shared their information with me by leaving messages on the newspaper’s telephone information lines. That information enabled me to continue writing columns with fresh material.
I started writing eNewsletters 20 years ago. The topics in the newsletters and newspapers are not the same. Yes, sometimes they are similar but often totally different.

Two weeks ago, at Oggi’s Sports Brewhouse in Mission Viejo, California, a group of old buddies gathered for our annual fantasy football draft, which began 36 years ago. Our fantasy league’s name is TMFL, an acronym for Tooter’s Morning Football League. My nickname has been Tooter ever since 1988 when I opened Tutor & Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point.

In 1990, when I started the fantasy football league, the founding 12 franchises named it TMFL. And some of them still call me “Toot.” Six of the original 12 are still in our group.

Before the Internet arrived, we all drafted together in one room, usually at Tutor & Spunky’s. Now, some choose to draft online remotely, using the CBS Fantasy Sports website.

For those of us who still draft together in person, we have fun being together, although we draft online, but in the same room.

One of our league members, Jason Gross, whom I’ve known for 20+ years, asked, “Are you still writing those middle-aged dating articles?”

I said, “Yes. I’m at about 5,000 articles in 30 years, but it’s not about middle-aged dating anymore. I now call it senior dating.”

Jason said, “How do you come up with fresh material?”

I replied, “As we age, more and more people become single, be it through divorce, or the passing of a partner. Or they are single because they haven’t met ‘their’ person yet. They seek information to help them find a mate and their numbers keep growing.

“I can keep my topics fresh because of my eNewsletters. My readers are called Champs and they always send in information I can use as topics. They ask questions and share dating experiences—some are success stories and some are simply their frustrations with senior dating.

Jason Gross said, “It’s important for seniors who have been afraid to start dating again and those who may be lonely or want to make new associations, to get off the couch and socially interact with people.”

I said, “It doesn’t have to be with only single members of the opposite sex. Married friends and family members can help people ease loneliness.”

Jason and I gave each other a high-five. It was time for our football draft to begin so I accessed the pages of football research notes I had generated over the recent weeks and placed them on the table for easy access. Making sense of the online football draft was more confusing and time-consuming than senior online dating.

That discussion with Jason at the fantasy football draft made me realize that senior dating is a topic that will never grow old. Perhaps it’s time to focus on writing about it for 10 more years. The title might become, “Senior dating in our 80s.” 

Egad, when that first column was written in 1994, I had no idea how many more there would be. Had someone said “5,000,” I would have probably put the pencils and paper away and retired from journalism right then and there.

So Champs, please continue sending in your comments and questions, we need to keep the senior dating information current. And you are the reason this fantasy dating column can continue.

By the way, my first pick in the draft was Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen. My fantasy is he will score at least a couple of TDs this weekend.

Dana Point Classic Car Show

Dana Point Classic Car Show – August 25, 2024

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

I often encourage seniors to get out of the house and socialize with people. On Sunday, August 25, I decided to follow my own advice. I attended the Dana Point Classic Car Show that was held on Del Prado Avenue between Golden Lantern and Blue Lantern streets. The event was free. What an amazing production.

There were approximately 300 magnificently restored classic cars and trucks. And close to 200 vendors. Thousands of people attended of all ages, including families with young children and some with their dogs on leashes. The weather was perfect, 75 and sunny.

Loudspeakers were positioned throughout the event with oldies from the 1960s to 1990s blaring. An announcer kept the crowd informed of current activities taking place.

I stopped at the booth where my friends Vince The Hat Man and his partner Julie were selling their custom-logo hats at the intersection of Del Prado and Violet Lantern. Since I’d been walking in the sun for more than an hour, they insisted I sit in the shade in one of their chairs. What a vantage point. Their booth was a popular gathering spot and meeting place for multitudes of people.

Standing in the intersection in front of the hat booth was the star of the entire car show, at least in my eyes. It wasn’t a classic car or truck, but it was a man named Ben Valencia, Jr. Ben was volunteering with the VFW handing out miniature American flags and pinwheels to children. I watched him put smiles on lots of faces.

I introduced myself saying, “I see you are wearing a Korean War Vet hat. I am a Viet Nam War Vet.”

Ben and I chatted briefly and then he surprised me when he said, “I’ve been reading your newspaper columns for years. I’m 93.”

I was amazed, a man 93 who reads my “On Life and Love after 50” eNewsletter and column. We had a laugh over that. Turns out, Ben worked for Space Transportation Systems for Rockwell International. He was a specialist and member of the Technical Staff Avionics Subsystems Engineering. In other words, he assisted with launching astronauts into space.

When the Beach Boys song “I Get Around” came on the loudspeakers, two attractive women standing at the hat booth, Michelle and Lisa, started dancing with anyone who would join in. Ben handed me his handful of flags and pinwheels to hold while he briefly danced with them. Michelle is known as Lady Hummingbird.

Later, Ben said, “My beautiful wife and I have lived in Dana Point for more than 55 years. We will be having our 69th wedding anniversary in November. She is not as mobile as she used to be, so we don’t dance much anymore. So, my dancing today was an expression of what used to be.”

While standing alongside the hat booth, I saw a familiar face in the adjacent booth. It was city council member and former Mayor, Mike Frost. We’ve been friends for several years. While we were talking, people kept stopping to greet him.  

Michelle and Lisa wanted a photo with Councilman Frost and me so Michelle handed a stranger her camera and a photo was taken.

At the end of the day, blue ribbons were handed out to winners of cars in different categories. In my opinion, every car there deserved a blue ribbon. They were gorgeous and so polished they looked brand new. The car owners were always nearby and happy to answer questions.

The Dana Point Classic Car Show is one of the fun events that make our Tri-city area a special place to live.

Widows and Widowers’ Dilemma

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 2, 2024

by Tom Blake Columnist and Senior Dating Expert

Most emails I receive regarding widowed people come from readers age 60+. Hence, I was surprised when Scott, in his 50s, wrote, “I have a girlfriend who is a widow. Her husband passed away about 1.5 years ago and we have dated for a year. We are both in our 50s and it’s really serious and I’ve been thinking about proposing to her.

“I looked at her cellphone while she was driving and saw some contacts. One said, “My True Love,” so I asked her about that. She said that it was her deceased husband’s cell number.

“I don’t know why, but I felt my heart kind of sink, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. She said something like, I’ll have to come up with another name for you. Well, what could top ‘My True Love?’

“Am I making too much out of this, or should this concern me if we were to tie the knot?”

Scott isn’t a Champ. I wondered how he tracked me down, and then I saw that he had read my April 9, 2021, eNewsletter article on my www.findingloveafter50.com website, titled “Widowed people’s dilemma: Remove deceased spouse’s pictures?”

Before I replied to Scott, I accessed that article on my website to see if it might apply to his situation. It didn’t directly—Scott’s question wasn’t about a deceased spouse’s photos around his girlfriend’s house. But the comments from Champs in that April 9, 2021, article apply to any widow or widower who still has precious memories of their deceased spouse.

Hence, I included those comments today.

Ben, a widower, wrote, “It’s been two years since my wife’s passing. My girlfriend has brought up the issue of pictures of my late wife in the house. I am gradually taking them down and moving on in life. Empathy, patience, and love are how I deal with change in my life.”

Cheryl emailed, “I had a boyfriend who constantly suggested that I take down the photos of my late husband. He felt that if I thought it was necessary to have those photos prominently displayed, it meant that I still loved and thought about my husband all the time, and therefore I couldn’t put my whole heart into loving him.

“Eventually, I broke up with him due to his extreme jealousy and possessiveness.”

Kim, a man, said, “I will never date another widow because one compared me to the deceased and I was always trying to measure up to a ‘legend,’ at least he was in her mind. Who wants to date someone who can’t heal and move ahead?”

Alicia shared, “Seven years ago, my brother lost his wife of 30 years after a happy marriage. Four years later, he remarried. He still misses his deceased wife. His present wife was divorced for several years, and her husband died as well. Both freely speak about their deceased spouses.

“I have learned from them that even though you find someone new who you now love, the past life does not need to be forgotten. It was a large part of your life and why should you sweep it under the rug?”

Curtis, “I had a sister who married a widower. They were very much in love and each had pictures of their former spouses around. They talked with each other about the adventures they had with their previous families. When my sister died, she was buried with her previous husband, and when the widower dies, he will be buried with his first wife. In the meantime, they enjoyed each other’s company. Both families accepted the other and were glad they had been happy again.”

Sherrill, “My guy Matt loved his deceased wife dearly, and until we met, he believed he would never love again. When I moved in with him, Matt asked if I would object to him putting some pictures of his ex-wife on the refrigerator along with my pictures of my kids and grandkids. I had no objection. I felt secure in our relationship and his love for me, did not feel threatened; I admired his loving devotion to his wife.

“He inadvertently put pictures of her directly in my line of sight, so I saw them every time I opened the refrigerator door. Initially, this didn’t bother me, but eventually, it did! I asked him if he would move the pictures to a different location on the refrigerator, which he willingly did. He has pictures of his wife and me in his office.

“This is a complicated issue for which there is no simple or right answer. As seniors, we all bring baggage into a new relationship.”

Bill, a widower, emailed, “What matters in the conduct of a new relationship is the acceptance by a new spouse of the nature and profundity of the widow or widower’s prior relationship.

“Confidence is best created when the widow or widower provides an atmosphere that enhances the strength, convictions, and independence of their new loves. Removing doubt and fostering self-confidence minimizes any propensity for rivalry with departed spirits.”

Lynne wrote, “Don’t expect the surviving spouse to ever give up loving the deceased spouse. If not for death, they would still be together. Someone who wants a relationship with a surviving spouse is going to have to realize that there is memory lingering there and be comfortable with that.”

Tom’s answer to Scott’s question

“Good question. I lost my partner of 25 years a year and a half ago. There are always things that come up that remind me of her. It’s going to happen to your girlfriend as well.

“Do not make a big deal out of it. It is part of the grieving process. It’s nothing intentional. Don’t rush her to erase the description of her ex from her phone, and don’t rush her to tie the knot. She will need a bit more time to take those steps.

Maybe she’ll write this description of you on her phone, My 2nd True Love.”

Time Waits For No One

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 24, 2024

By Columnist and Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

In the early 1950s, a quartet called the Hilltoppers had a #1 hit song titled, “P.S. I Love You.” Most people who enjoyed listening to music on the radio back then recall that classic love song.

The Hilltoppers had other lesser-known songs as well. One that I enjoyed was “Time Waits For No One.”

This week, I thought about that song’s opening lyrics sung by Jimmy Sacca, the lead singer: “Time waits for no one it passes you by…” Those words made me think of my writing career and the evolution of senior dating.

I reflected on the year 1994. Life for me was good then. I owned Tutor & Spunky’s, a popular deli in Dana Point, which kept me busy seven days a week. Plus, I was married for a third time, and happy as a clam, at least that’s what I thought.

And then, an unexpected event hit me like a ton of bricks.

While I was in Northern California visiting my 81-year-old mom, I was blind-sided when my wife of six years telephoned me to announce that she and her two boys had taken what furniture and belongings they wanted and moved out of our Dana Point home.

I was shocked, humiliated, and saddened. My “happy life” had changed in an instant. That night, I started keeping a journal, trying to understand what had happened. I was 54.

Two months after my wife’s phone call, she filed for divorce. I decided to date, thinking I’d be hot stuff — lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date an older, broken man. I wrote about my divorce and futile dating attempts in the journal.

Adversity can lead to opportunity

Often, after people experience adversity, unexpected opportunities emerge. That happened to me.
I was not a writer in 1994. But six months after my wife’s move out, I became one.

Using the notes from the journal, I wrote a 72-page short story about a 54-year-old man being dumped and divorced by his wife, and his subsequent frustrating dating life.

I submitted the story to two women editors, Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn, of the Dana Point News, a printed weekly newspaper owned by The Orange County Register. Those two women gave me the chance to become a columnist.

My first article, “Home Alone With Only Dogs For Company,” was published on July 7, 1994. I had no idea how long my writing gig would last. A week? A month?

For the next 16 years, I wrote senior dating columns for The Register newspapers. And then, 13 years ago, I started writing for Picket Fence Media (PFM), which owned the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times, and The Capistrano Dispatch. I made appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

Last year, the Times Media Group, a newspaper syndicate in Arizona and Los Angeles, purchased (PFM.) I hoped the transfer of ownership wouldn’t end my print-newspapers writing career.

It’s been almost a year since the Times Media Group acquired PFM. I am still writing for them. I realize how blessed I am to be writing for printed newspapers. The number of columns including weekly eNewsletters written in 30 years is approximately 4,800.

I started writing these eNewsletters about 20 years ago. That time has gone by in a whiz. Time Waits for No One.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 30 years? Of course! In 1994, seniors mainly met potential mates the old-fashioned way—via networking with friends and socializing.

Now, the Internet provides online dating with opportunities and dangers. Online dating sites are filled with romance scammers. When I began writing, my topic was dating after 50. Now it’s dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—it’s challenging to meet someone compatible. And, women 60+ often remind me there aren’t enough available men.

And speaking of the 90s, our Champ, Les Jones, who is in 98, wrote this week. He said, “Please watch the annual Memorial Day Concert on PBS on May 26, Sunday evening. I’m being honored as a World War II veteran and will be on TV.”

Les can attest to how time waits for no one, he fought for our country in Europe and in the Pacific nearly 84 years ago.

The ending words in the Hilltoppers’ “Time Waits For No One” song are “…let’s take love while we may.” Those five words apply to my writing career and senior dating. Most single seniors would like to take and receive love. We don’t have time left to waste. 


Link to Time Waits For No One

A woman with True Grit

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 17, 2024
by Tom Blake Column and Senior Dating Expert
 Why did an email from Champ Lisa this week remind me of the movie True Grit? How could a Champ forget that movie’s gritty performances by Kim Darby and John Wayne and the 1969 title song by Glen Campbell?

(In the picture above, Lisa is with one of her horses in Tucson, Arizona)
. 
I made that Lisa/True Grit connection because what Lisa accomplished in the last five years took true grit. Her story touches upon issues that seniors often face. 

Lisa wrote: “Your eNewsletter last week about a woman in a long-distance relationship raised issues applicable to many seniors these days: Relocating to a different state 

“A lifelong Californian, I moved to Tucson, Arizona 4 1/2 years ago, at age 70, bought horse property, a wonderful home with a pool, and all I could ask for. 

I asked Lisa what inspired her to relocate, to make that gutsy move. She said, “My reason for leaving California was due to the growing situation in California over many years. Among them: is changing the laws to let criminals out of prison

-Related to that, revising the law (again) so that those criminals may now steal without consequence   – This made me feel that as I get older, I would be even more vulnerable to crime

-Related again, the ever-increasing problem with homelessness, even though my city of Burbank was able to keep a lid on it

-State taxes: why should I be paying for the homeless and illegal aliens, who get free health care?  -The state where I was born has gone off the rails (including Jerry’s choo choo.)  Tom’s comment: Lisa was referring to the high-speed train being built between Los Angeles and Las Vegas of which Governor Jerry Brown was a proponent. 

Lisa continued, “I wanted to move to Arizona or New Mexico. NM is a beautiful state but they tax Social Security, whereas Arizona does not. They also have lots of problems. 

“Dry heat is my preference, I’m not a fan of the humidity in other locations. “I consider myself somewhat of a lizard, relishing the sun and the heat which is why I relocated to Southern Arizona. 

“I’m at a higher elevation than the city of Tucson, and it’s considerably cooler, especially more so than Phoenix, which is a couple of hours away. 

“I didn’t follow my friends who had moved to Phoenix, but I am glad that they are in Arizona.”

Relocating again after 4 ½ years 

Another move recently took even more true grit on her part. She is 76 and again did the move on her own. Lisa continued, “I just moved to SaddleBrooke, a 55+ community in Tucson, with many amenities, and am boarding my horses at a ranch nearby. 

“My reasons for moving were (1) The social isolation, my home was at the end of a private road, with all (lovely) married couples for neighbors. I wasn’t meeting single seniors. 

And (2) the upkeep on the one-acre property (25 + mesquite trees) and the difficulty of getting safely to the riding trails, if I were to ride alone.

Life at SaddleBrooke 

“In SaddleBrooke, there are many friendly and interesting people, and I am finding that a few residents also have horses where I am boarding mine. 

“Tucson is very spread out as well, and the east side is more than an hour away, so some people factor that in and are sometimes reluctant to drive to my area. 

“Since being at SaddleBrooke, I have not only been busy with the move but have had some great social events that I have attended, the most recent being a Kentucky Derby party at the boarding ranch (with an SB neighbor who also boards her horse there) and an SB Cinco de Mayo party with a fabulous Mariachi band. And now, my house is being painted! 

“I do see my friends who live in Phoenix occasionally. One of them was down for the weekend with her boyfriend. “I haven’t left home overnight–except once–because I had the horses on my property to care for. That may change since the horses are now boarded, but I still have two kitties (easier to find someone to feed them, though). 

Lisa’s perspective on dating and LDRs and challenges “I don’t know about the single men in my community yet; it is quite a large community, but I have had much social interaction since being here for less than two months. 

“I have been contacted by a few men in the Phoenix area and beyond. Phoenix, depending on the area, is approximately two hours away. 

“I won’t consider a LDR because when I find someone, with whom I want to be exclusive, I would like to see them two or three times weekly. This doesn’t mean I would only want to see them for that limited time. 

“One of the challenges here is that many people on Match.com–the site I’m on–are ‘snowbirds’ and fly away to cooler homes during the summer. 

“I have not chosen well in my romantic history, so I am leery of living with someone again. I don’t want to be joined at the hip. Of course, one never knows, if I fall in love, those feelings might change. 

“I like to see friends, ride my horse, and like my ‘alone time.’ I am not particularly domestic, and I don’t want to have to cook for someone, at least not regularly. 

“I have introduced some of my friends to your column. You have helped many.”

Tom’s Thoughts Hats off to Lisa. A woman with True Grit. I admire Lisa’s determination and true grit in pursuing her life and constantly working to improve it. I also admire her love of animals, her kitties, and horses. The most important lesson that Champs can take away from Lisa’s story is the need for social interaction.

At age 76, she relocated again to improve her social interaction. I read an article online this week that stated that loneliness is as deadly to seniors as smoking or drinking excessively. If any Champ would like to reach out to Lisa, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your email to her.

Horse lovers are especially encouraged to contact her. Lisa has been a Champ for 12 years. I know she will inform us how this current move works for her. I checked the SaddleBrooke website and feel Lisa made the right move. It appears to be a spectacular place. 

Here’s the link to the 1969 song, “True Grit,” sung by Glen Campbell https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIyXkRIhFKE

A complex senior long-distance relationship

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – May 10, 2024

By Senior Dating Expert Tom Blake

Champ AD, 62, lives in Minnesota. She responded to last week’s LDR (long-distance relationship) article: “My life is all about an LDR and who pays for the date.

“In 1979, Garth and I met and spent a brief month together the year we graduated from high school. He was this cute CA guy, and I was a small-town waitress farm girl, on the Minnesota-Canadian border. He hopped back on the bus headed west, and that’s where our relationship ended; no internet or phones, and life went on. 

“He married twice, but neither marriage lasted more than two years.

“I got married in Vegas, after a brief work relationship, when I was 25 and stayed married for 30 years. I felt awful for living the lie of being ‘in love,’ when I never was. Had I been treated better; I may have fallen in love. My ex-husband cared for me in every possible way he knew how, but he never got to know my heart.”

Reconnecting after 40 years

AD continued: “Shortly after my divorce in 2015, I joined Facebook. Garth, who had been looking for me for years, happened upon my profile when he found a comment I had made on my ex-sister-in-law’s page.

“The craziness of this all was in January 2018, when he messaged me, but I didn’t know what messenger was and didn’t see his message. 

“Long story short, I went in for major surgery in Feb. 2018, to prevent a guaranteed and hereditary cancer of my pancreas, but due to complications, my one surgery turned into three. I was given a 5% chance of living and was put in hospice with two weeks to live. 

“While my daughter was at my side, and in charge of my phone for the weeks in the ICU and the months in the hospital, she found Garth’s message. 

“For whatever reason, it wasn’t my time to die, and I lived and woke up to a poem Garth wrote about our summer of 1979. I never forgot him; his poem gave me the hope and strength to fight and live. 

“Forty+ years had gone by, and Garth happened to find me in my darkest hour and place. He reminded me of how he would have felt had he heard from my daughter that I had passed away when he’d been looking for me a long time.

“What I have taken away from those days and nights in that hospital bed, knowing that the time was coming soon when I wouldn’t open my eyes again, was how little every possession in my life meant, and what I would do if I lived. 

“I wouldn’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart, or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

A LDR began

“I met Garth in person after 40+ years apart, at a hotel in Redlands, California in June 2022. I was one nervous lady.

“I am 63 and Garth is 62. I am self-employed, and although I can work from anywhere, I have stayed close to Minnesota for my kids and family. Garth works on San Nicolas Island and doesn’t have the flexibility of working anywhere he chooses, he has no kids and a small family.” 

Tom’s note: San Nicolas Island is one of the Channel Islands about 60 miles west of Los Angeles and 35 miles west of Catalina Island. It’s an uninhabited island except for a few workers at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station that is located there.

AD continued, “Garth remains in CA to care for his mother’s affairs until her passing. At that time. he plans to move to Minnesota.

“Next month we will have been in a relationship for two years. In July, I am driving to CA to be with him. I hope to spend the rest of the summer seeing how well we do on a full-time basis.

“The decision to leave my kids and grandkids, even for six weeks, is scary, but I would regret missing this opportunity. I feel it’s time. 

“The most difficult challenge, for me, in any relationship at this age, is pleasing everyone. My daughters get protective and grandkids tear at my heart and it’s hard not to feel guilty about having a life. One of my biggest faults is to put too much thought into what family and friends think.

“Two years is a long time and lots of money has been spent to see each other, and we have never spent more than 2-3 weeks together in one stretch. This is money that I would prefer to spend on a vacation and fun, not just maintaining a relationship, so I feel it’s my time to decide.

“We used to see each other every month, but now it has slowly gotten to four months of not seeing each other, sometimes due to work, but mostly $$. Airfare only increases and I am growing tired of airline prices and schedules deciding my life and hurting my heart. 

“Sometimes it feels like I am in a relationship with a telephone. I wish I were a hermit because an LDR might be a bit easier, but I enjoy everything life offers. 

“One of my lowest moments was in January 2024. Christmas had been without Garth, and Covid for a 3rd time. This is when I found you, Tom, online and reached out to you for advice, direction, and understanding. Someday I will share this with Garth.

“A few months back, I ordered your eBook titled, Who Pays For The Date? on the draft2digital website. The cost was $2.39.

(https://draft2digital.com) Search on Tom Blake to see Tom’s 10 eBooks

“The book has had a very positive effect on my LDR relationship with my CA guy. I see sharing the cost of trips, meals, etc. through much clearer eyes now, and I would have felt awful throwing in the towel and then reading your book after the fact.

“Your book made me consider this question: ‘Why should a man, who has flown across the country, solely to see me for a few short days, be expected to pick up the tab at a fine-dining restaurant?’ When he arrived, I drove him to a nice restaurant and picked up the tab.

“At times, our relationship has been difficult. I would have thrown in the towel a dozen times if Garth hadn’t fought so hard for us to stay together. We have finally reached the point of splitting airfares, if necessary, since he travels here far more, or I pick up the tab often when he comes this way.

“I’ve never been one to take the easy path, and I have always followed my heart. I’m not saying I would tackle a LDR again, but it’s too late now. I’m in it, and what a gift ‘time’ is, as it is slowly bringing me more understanding and patience with the weeks and months between our seeing each other.

“All we have is ourselves to blame if we leave this world with only regrets vs memories in the making. I won’t let anything scare me from being completely honest with my heart or the hearts of others ever again. I wasn’t going to leave with any regrets. I needed to come that close to the end of my life to ‘live.’

“Garth and I have spent a lifetime apart, but the chemistry is still there, which is so hard to find after age 60.”

Tom’s Take

-AD’s LDR is as complex as any that I’ve heard about

-I’m pleased AD is taking a couple of months to be with Garth in California to see how they do on a full-time basis

-They need that time to communicate and to get to know each other

-Having met and been attracted to each other in 1979 is part of the glue that keeps them together, during a difficult two-year period

-Relocation seems not to be a factor (as it was with the Golden Bachelor couple). Garth will be moving to Minnesota. Hence, AD can share love and be near her family

-AD is following her heart, after having been so close to death. Love matters to her, but not so much the little things, as she refers to them

-Garth loves her, which he has proven to her time and time again

-I am pleased that my simple eBook, Who Pays For The Date? helped her. It costs $2.39. I have 10 eBooks on that book site https://draft2digital.com  (At the site, search on my name or the book’s title)

-AD’s story is an example of the complexity and depths of the lives of our Champs.

Everybody has a story. I’d like to hear more of them. 

Catfishing Becomes More Dangerous

Columnist Tom Blake

April 12, 2024

Note from Tom: The photo above is not of a catfisher. It’s of Alex, my friend of 40 years and he’s happily married.

Any senior who has tried online dating has likely experienced catfishing. It occurs when a person creates a fake identity or online persona to deceive online daters into romantic relationships, ultimately scamming their money.

These catfishers use fake and stolen photos taken from social media platforms and online dating profiles. They often use AI (Artificial Intelligence) to perfect their deceitful information.

With their fake profiles in hand, they troll online dating websites looking for vulnerable seniors (new widows, for example) and use the fake identity to win over a lonely person’s heart and confidence by lying and saying they are someone they aren’t.

Note from Tom: Catfishers and Scammers troll online websites besides dating websites. They troll sites such as LinkedIn and WhatsApp, which are not classified as online dating sites.

They often claim to be overseas working on an oil rig in a foreign location.

Slowly, over time, they attempt to win the lonely person over and convince them they will return to the USA to be with them soon.

Most of us have heard sad stories of lonely and vulnerable seniors, mostly, but not always, women, losing thousands of dollars—even their life savings–to these online scammers.

Last week I received an email with this subject line: “AI Dating profile generator” spikes catfishing concerns. The article stated that AI (Artificial Intelligence) has made catfishing even more deceitful with the release of Sora, a new AI program. Sora AI can create videos that look and feel natural, all from a simple text prompt or image.

The email stated: “We encourage online daters to be extra careful to validate who they are dating and who they think they are dating. Also, this comment: …Voices and faces of people you know can be impeccably faked as an effort to steal your money or identity.”

Champs, if you search on “Relationship Expert Steve Phillips-Waller from A Conscious Rethink” website, you’ll find tips and information on protecting yourself from AI romance scams.

I asked Orange County dating and relationship coach Christine Baumgartner about catfishing, and she strongly recommends that before having a first date, the person should request a video call.

Christine says, “Most catfishing scammers will refuse a video call and make some excuse not to participate in a video call. Google Voice and Google Video can be used as well as the Facetime button on your cell phone.”

She also advises not to text-message strangers.

To contact Christine: www.Theperfectcatch.com or email Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

The April 2024 AARP Bulletin magazine cover states “Older Americans Are Under Siege from Scammers.” Nearly the entire issue is dedicated to combatting fraud. That’s good reading for seniors to educate themselves on fighting fraud.

Trust your instincts and be careful before communicating with a stranger. Don’t answer your phone if you don’t recognize the caller. Request that video chat so you can see the person who claims to be interested in you.

Part 2 – Upcoming Fun Day in Dana Point

For Champs living in Southern California, who would like to get some exercise and meet new friends, at no cost, the World Tai Chi & Qigong Day is scheduled for Dana Point on Saturday, April 27, at 9:30 a.m., on the grass area in front of Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor.

You do not need to be a tai chi expert. Even beginners can start to learn tai chi. And you’ll make new friends.

Champ Ron, a tai chi instructor in Dana Point, reminded me of this free event open to the public. I attended last year. It was most enjoyable, and I met many new people. I plan to go there this year as well.

There will also be Hawaiian and rock music, Hula Performances, and a potluck lunch.

If you attend, say hello to Ron and mention that you are a Champ.

For more information, contact Ron Cohan at Zia3@cox.net.

That’s it for this week’s eNewsletter Champs.