On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – Page 2

“Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 26, 2024
“Hello I’m Johnny Cash”
By Columnist Tom Blake

”Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

Anyone who has attended a Johnny Cash concert or seen a video of him performing recognizes his introductory words, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

I heard him say that in person more than 25 times. The most indelible time was inside the walls of San Quentin Prison. I was seated in front of the makeshift stage in row one of the prisoners’ cafeteria, where concerts were held. Approximately 500 unruly and unshackled prisoners were seated nearby. Armed guards with loaded rifles walked on the catwalk 10 feet overhead.

When Johnny walked to the microphone and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash,” the prisoners nearly rioted with joy and yelling. A prisoner seated next to me gently poked me in the ribs and asked, “Who the hell are you?”

I mumbled, “A friend of Johnny’s.”

Most Champs know I worked with Johnny Cash for two years in the mid-1970s. I remained friends with Johnny and his wife June Carter until they sadly passed away in 2003.

I’ve known and remained friends with Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for 47 years. I attempt to meet with her backstage whenever she performs in Southern California. Last September, Champ Mike joined me backstage at Chapman University; he was thrilled to meet Rosanne. (See the picture below of Mike S. and Rosanne)

A few weeks ago, Champ Dee sent me an alert that The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience international tour was appearing on January 21 at the Segerstrom Center For The Arts in nearby Costa Mesa. I thought, maybe I’ll go. Shortly thereafter, Susie Lopez, a Communications Specialist for the Segerstrom Center, contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to attend the event and possibly share the experience with my readers.

Susie said, “This wonderfully nostalgic experience will bring songs and stories to the stage in a special way the audiences have never seen or heard before.” Susie’s words piqued my interest. She continued, “With a video of Johnny from episodes of The Johhny Cash TV Show projected on a screen above the stage, a live band and singers will accompany him in perfect sync.” That description did it for me. I accepted Susie’s invitation.

(There is a link below to the production company website. Highly recommended and informative.)

I asked how she knew that I had known Johnny Cash. She said she had seen the article I wrote for the three South Orange County newspapers (and for this eNewsletter) in September about Champs Jim, Debbie and I attending a Johnny Cash tribute band concert at The Coach House in Dana Point CA.

At this week’s show, Champs Jim, Dee, Wayne, and Nancy stopped by our seats to chat with Debbie and me. It was kind of a senior dating night at Segerstrom. Perhaps some other Champs were there as well. The show was awesome.

During the show, I was nostalgic — reflecting on how fortunate I was to have known Johnny and June — but also how blessed I’ve been throughout my life.

When Johnny sang Kris Kristofferson’s song, “Sunday Morning Coming Down,” on the big screen behind the stage, I about lost it. Johnny had dedicated that song to me in the Sahara Tahoe Resort Hotel ballroom in front of 2,000 people in 1975.

At last Sunday’s concert, one band member triggered my memories: The lead guitarist. Not a man–mind you– but a woman named Debbie Horton. She is the only woman who ever played lead guitar for Johnny. She made me think of Mother Maybelle Carter, June’s mother, who was known for the song “Wildwood Flower.”

Debbie Horton knew every song and always smiled during the concert. I reached out to her by email on Monday morning; she answered immediately. We connected through the common bond of Johnny Cash.

Debbie responded: “It was WONDERFUL to hear from you! I loved how Johnny went back into the studio and recorded the old Sun Records songs with so much energy. “I try my best to play the guitar parts note-by-note and not add or take away. I kind of do a mix of Luther (Perkins) and Bob (Wooten) – depending on the song. Hearing from people who really appreciate what I’m doing means the world to me – and you know what it’s supposed to sound like!”

And then she commented about senior dating: “I lost my husband in 2017 and ‘senior dating’ has its own challenges. I’d like to hear your views on that too.”

So, Debbie Horton will become a Champ, at least to read this article, and maybe to continue receiving the eNewsletter as she is a widow. She lives in Nashville. Her website is listed below.

What three women and one man Champs said about the show

I asked our woman Champs who attended the show for their impressions. Nancy said, “Before the Segerstrom Show, I hadn’t thought that Johnny Cash was as much of a poet as a lyricist — much in the tradition of Bob Dylan. I enjoyed the opportunity to dig deeper into Johnny’s words.”

Tom’s response to Nancy: “Johnny and Bob Dylan became friends. They performed an unforgettable duet when they sang, ‘Girl From The North Country,’ which was featured in the movie, The Bridges of Madison County and is on the Dylan album, Nashville Skyline. They were so out of sync, they sounded fabulous together with those incredible and powerful voices.

I’ve known Champ Dee for seven years. She attended the singles events at my Dana Point deli. I told her back then that she reminded me of June Carter Cash. Dee emailed Monday, the morning after the show, and mentioned my June Carter look-alike comment from years before: “I kept thinking about your comparison when video/audio clips of June came on the big screen last night, and yes, I can see the similarity connection. I am highly flattered.”

She added, “The main observation from last night was I had no idea how important Johnny’s voice was. I remember watching his show a few times when I was a very young child, which is probably why I didn’t understand the impact that he was making and was so moved by seeing it from the perspective of not only the band but also the moments of his son John Carter Cash talking on the big screen.

“I am tremendously grateful for having the opportunity to have attended last night, which came about because I opened your eNewsletter, thought how fun, reached out to Jim, and logged into my account at the Segerstrom to buy the tickets! Small series of events that led to one extremely memorable evening for me.”

Comment from Tom: “Regarding Johnny’s voice, June often teased him by calling him Old Golden Throat. I heard her say that multiple times.

My friend Debbie said, “What struck me the most was Johnny’s understanding of truth. Even more than that was we all have options or choices. He chose love over hate. I’ve often said that we don’t have control over situations, but rather we have choices about how we react to situations and about our attitude toward self, others, and life. I think Johnny Cash would agree.

“And I loved Johnny’s song, Man in Black. He had incredible empathy for the downtrodden. For example, his song words, ‘I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down…I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime. But is there because he’s a victim of the times…’

“You, Tom, witnessed that live in San Quentin Prison. “(Link to song Man in Black below)

Champ Wayne said, “I enjoyed the combination of clips of his TV show, live band, and singers performances and Johnny’s son’s commentary of a musical icon.”

So, Champs, as you might suspect, this concert at the Segerstrom touched me deeply. I’ve enjoyed sharing the experience. You are all special to me. There are 3 links below:

(1) Lead guitarist Debbie Horton’s website
(2) Johnny singing Man In Black
(3) The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience
www.debbiehorton.com

Link to Man In Black

Johnny Cash Concert Experience website

**Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

vs mia parking lot 1975 — **Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 5, 2024
Do Multiple Marriages Matter?
By Columnist Tom Blake

2024 Column One

In senior dating, does the number of marriages matter?

In November 2009, I wrote a column titled, “Should multiple senior dating marriages matter when seeking a mate?”

I wrote on that topic because a woman named Marjorie had emailed, “I met ‘William’ two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I’m 63, he is 66.

“We’ve both been married before, but neither has been widowed. Should the number of marriages matter to either of us? How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

She added that she had been married three times, but William had dodged the question although he told her his most recent marriage had been short-lived and bitter. Marjorie and William had been on only two dates. I replied to Marjorie: “Egad, woman, give it some time! If you press the ‘How many times married’ issue, you may chase him away before you find out how many times he’s been married. Since he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage experience, the last thing he may want to do is defend himself or talk about it.

“Instead, why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally? It is not uncommon these days (reminder, this was in 2009) for people our age to have had more than one marriage. Does that make us tainted? Does that mean we’re bad people? No.

“I’ve had three marriages, and my partner Greta of 11 years (remember this was written in 2009) had three also. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when sharing information on the first date, so it was a good thing we both had multiple marriages.

“And now that we are SLT (seniors living together) we’ve got the best relationship I could ever hope for. Neither of us wants marriage. Neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests, but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.”

2024 Update on How Many Marriages

And so, here we are, 14 years later, with the first eNewsletter of 2024 looking again at the How Many Marriages issue in senior dating. Does the number of marriages a potential partner had matter? Not really, but at Marjorie’s age now, 77, assuming she’s still on this earth, I wonder if this question still puzzles her? I’ve lost track of her so I can’t ask her. Plus, I wonder if she and William had or have a relationship now.

Here are my thoughts on “Does the number of marriages matter in 2024?” Right off the top, I say hell no. However, if the number exceeds four, or the number is zero, I think the couple needs to discuss the whys and why not of the marriage number. Just to understand what happened.

Last year, a few months after Greta passed away, I decided my life would be more fulfilling if I had a woman partner in it. So, I started dating. The number of marriages a potential mate had didn’t matter. So, I thought.

The first woman of interest had been married five times. But that didn’t matter to me. I had known her for years and she had many fine qualities. But she very quickly moved on. It wasn’t the number of marriages either one had, it was most likely the age difference. I was merely 23-years-older.

Another woman of interest was a widow. Her husband was 25 years older. I didn’t know if he had been her only husband until one night when we were enjoying an adult beverage, I asked her if it mattered that I had been married three times. She said no.

I said, “How about you? She said, “Seven.” I responded, “You’ve been married seven times?” She became irked with my question and that was our final date. She had had enough of me, and I was scared to continue dating her. There were other reasons why we didn’t go out again as well.

And then my friend Jim Fallon and I met an attractive woman in the parking lot of a restaurant where we’d just had breakfast. We had seen her sitting by herself and had waved at her and she waved back. When she walked past us outside, we said hello and told her we were both single men who had lost our partners in 2022. She said she was widowed after 11 years of marriage. She said she was in her early 60s.

She and I had one date, but she didn’t want to get involved. When Jim and I saw her at breakfast at the same restaurant three months later, we asked her to join us to chat for a few minutes. The topic of the number of previous marriages came up.

I asked her if she had been married more than once. She nodded yes. I held up two fingers. She said no. Three fingers. She said no. Four fingers, no. Five fingers, no. Six fingers, yes (finally). Jim and I were dumbfounded. Her answer surprised us. She had been married six times.

She was such a soft-spoken, seemingly confident, and shy person. We didn’t ask for details, and she wasn’t about to offer them.

Does the number of times a person has been married at our senior age in 2024 matter? Not as much as in 2009.

However, I will say this. Most singles 75-plus don’t want to remarry but most of them would relish a nice relationship, regardless of the number of times a potential new partner was married. Just don’t tell me married eight times. My heart probably couldn’t handle that number.

Senior Dating Tips

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
December 22, 2023
Has Senior Dating Changed in 17 Years?
By Tom Blake Senior Dating Columnist

This week, when checking my computer archives, I found this article I published in 2006: “Tom’s 13 Senior Dating Tips.”

I wondered if senior dating has changed since writing that article 17 years ago. Here’s the list from back then. See if you notice anything you’d change as we head into Christmas and 2024.

Tom’s 13 Senior Dating Tips from 2006

1. Get off the couch, out of the house, and involved in hobbies and activities you enjoy. By doing so, you’ll meet people with similar interests. Join a club. Volunteer. Travel. Go back to school. Take a part-time job. Get out with new people

2. Don’t go out solely to seek a mate. You’ll come off as desperate. Go out to enrich your life and have fun. People often meet a mate when they aren’t looking and when they least expect it

3. Be assertive, but not aggressive. Seize every opportunity to introduce yourself to someone you think is single, and to whom you’re attracted. It’s difficult for some seniors to do this, but they may miss meeting a good match if they let the opportunity slide. Be prepared with a conversation icebreaker, something like, “Would you like to have coffee?”

4. Always carry a name card with you, giving potential dates an easy way to contact you. Include safe, secure information: List only your first name, either a phone or answering service number, or an email address that doesn’t contain your last name

5. Be happy, positive, and friendly. Smile

6. Socialize with friends of both sexes. Women need women friends

7. Have a nice appearance, firm up and get in shape

8. Don’t take rejection personally. It will happen. Put it behind you and move on

9. Trust your instincts. Avoid losers, scammers, and phonies. Beware of romance scams originating on the Internet from Africa and other foreign countries

10. Network with friends, relatives, and business associates. Repeatedly remind them to introduce you to their single acquaintances

11. Protect your assets. Women need to be in control of their own money

12. It’s important to realize that you aren’t the only person without a mate, there are millions of seniors in the same situation, faced with the same issues and having the same feelings

13. Never give up hope. Senior dating is a numbers game. The more you’re out there, the better your chances.

Seventeen years later, seven changes in December 2023

A. Cell phones have replaced answering machines and answering services, the phones are an imperative dating tool with texting and voice mail conveniences
B. The most noticeable change is the dramatic increase in online dating websites and online dating. It’s estimated that more than 50 percent of single seniors have tried Internet dating. Scammers are rampant. Seniors must be careful and trust their instincts.

C. Plus, Meetup.com lists many places for seniors to meet others (and while doing so, maybe meet a potential mate)

D. Item 6 above mentioned, “Women need women friends.” That is still true, and this needs to be added in 2023: “Men need men friends.” I honestly don’t know what I would have done after losing Greta, my mate of 25 years, if I hadn’t had my guy friends to talk about the grief, sadness, and emptiness one feels

E. Those guy friends include Jim Fallon, a widower after 47 years of marriage. And Mike Stipher, Vince The Hat Man, John Hawkins, Tom Blosser, Don Cheley, Bob Rossi, Charlie Canfield, Bob Peters, Alex the Sports Barber, and neighbors Alex Torres and Jake Racker. I’m sure there are others. They always ask how I’m doing and are willing to listen to my senior dating woes and experiences

F. An age difference between partners wasn’t mentioned in the 2006 list of tips. Now that we are 17 years older, and reflecting on, as Bob Dylan sang in 1973, “Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven’s Door.” (link below) The age difference is a hot topic now.

Women often accuse men of wanting a younger woman. And yet, a woman Champ, 78, wrote me this week that her boyfriend is 48. Another woman Champ from Florida reports that she is dating a guy 20 years younger.

G. To add to the list: “Men also need to protect their money.” Both men and women should be diligent and careful. For those of you celebrating Christmas, have a Merry one. For those who aren’t, enjoy the Holidays as well. Thanks for being Champs. I look forward to seeing you next year. I will likely be taking December 29 off. It will be fun to track the senior dating changes in 2024.

Link to “Knocking On Heaven’s Door.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGB1P1jKIoE

Senior Dating Sites and Senior Commitment

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

By Tom Blake Columnist

December 1, 2023

Dating Sites For Seniors and Senior Commitment

Champ Jean The Bean, (The Bean is her nickname), Laguna Niguel, California, emailed this week. She wrote, “I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday despite the lack of a committed mate. The holidays are more difficult to push through.

“Can you recommend a good dating app for seniors (I’m 70 now). I thought you might have pretty good exposure from your senior dating fans! Do you find some more successful than others?

“I have tried OurTime.com (owned by the Match.com Group) but I didn’t find it very user-friendly and eHarmony never gave me a match after six months. If you have any input, I would love to know about it.

“Good luck with your pursuit of a compatible companion which can make life so much more wonderful!”

I’ve known Jean The Bean for about a year. She’s a very special person—a down-to-earth, ethical and loving woman. I most recently saw her in person on November 7, at the speech I made at the Dana West Yacht Club in Dana Point. If any Champs would like to reach out to Jean The Bean, email me and I will forward your email to her. And then, who knows what might happen?

Here is my reply to Jean The Bean regarding online dating websites for seniors. And since Jean mentioned my quest to find a committed mate, I will comment on that as well:

“Hi, Jean The Bean, around March 1 of this year, I was sitting at home on another lonely Saturday night. It had been only four months since my partner Greta’s passing, after 25 years of being a couple. I knew I could never replace Greta, but wanted and needed a woman friend with whom I could share a new beginning. Someone whose presence would help me, and vice versa. I had attended one grief share meeting.

“And even though I know a lot of people in South Orange County (having owned a deli in Dana Point for 26 years, and having been a columnist for 29 years), I felt I wasn’t being assertive enough in seeking a potential mate.

“On that Saturday night, I decided to try online dating, to cast my net wider, to reach out to more people. I tried three sites. The first two were Match.com and POF (Plenty of Fish). I dumped POF immediately, feeling that I wasn’t reaching the right type of person for which I was looking.

“However, Match.com seemed pretty good. I had a few dates there. And then a Champ, Bruce, from Ohio, suggested I add Zoosk to the mix of sites I was using. I had never heard of Zoosk, but I gave that site a try.

“Being naïve to online dating, one thing I soon discovered is that the sites will try to sign you up for as long a period as they can get away with. I joined Match and Zoosk for six months each. Then the sites will add incentives to “increase one’s chances of meeting the right mate,” but those extras cost extra money. For newcomers, be aware of these marketing ploys.

“One thing is for certain. All dating sites, in one way or another, are in business to make money (even the so-called free sites such as POF).

“On the sites, I limited my search radius to 30 miles or so, not wanting to travel to Los Angeles or San Diego to find somebody. There is no best senior online dating site of which I’m aware.

“For me, the best of the three sites I joined was Zoosk. It just seemed to have more available women within my geographical area. I met several nice women on Zoosk, including Debbie from Mission Viejo, who lives 10 miles from my home. Our first date was May 19.

“Initially, there were challenges for us, but over time, we were able to navigate those obstacles. She did her thing, and I did mine, but we always gravitated back to each other. It wasn’t an exclusive/committed relationship.

“Senior dating availability, which is often a challenge for new single couples, was also an issue for us. She still works four days a week, and on three of those days, until 7:30 p.m., making our time together limited. She also has kids and grandkids in San Diego.

“We are extremely compatible. Politically, we are on the same page. We align with different religions, but for us, that’s not an issue. She’s a vegetarian; I’m a moderate meat eater. Again, we work that out.

“When her Zoosk Dating Site subscription expired, she did not renew it. When my Match.com and Zoosk subscriptions expired, I did not renew them.

“One thing that brought us closer together was Covid-19. Debbie went to Las Vegas to house-sit and puppy-sit for a friend. While there, she visited a few casinos. Debbie caught COVID-19 and was housebound for more than two weeks. I volunteered and insisted that I help her with grocery shopping and prescription pick-up.

“I would leave those items on her front porch bench. She would come outside. We were both masked. And we chatted for a couple of minutes from eight feet apart.

“That experience made us both realize how wonderful and comforting having a mate who cares about us is. So, we’ll see what happens from here.

“So, Jean The Bean, that’s the update. So, yes, I met someone online, on Zoosk. She’s 10 years younger.

“All the dating sites are hit or miss. It’s a lot of work. Scammers everywhere. But, if a person keeps trying, who knows when someone nice might come along?

“I will keep my eyes and ears open for you, as I feel you are a special person. It’s not easy. The ratio of single women to single men in your age range is nearly 5 to 1. Tough odds.

“Stay in touch. That woman, Pat Chiku, who hosted my speech, wanted to know if I’d talk at the Woman’s Club of Dana Point once every quarter. I may, we’ll see. No more PowerPoint failures wanted.”

Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s Disease

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletterNovember 17, 2023
Part one – Dating When a Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s
Part two – The New York Times mention
By Columnist Tom Blake

Photo by Tom Blake. Walking trail sign in Alaska Appropriate for Champ Bob’s Question

Part One – Dating When A Spouse Has Advanced Alzheimer’s

Champ Bob emailed me this week (week of November 13 2023) with a question. He wrote, “My wife, presently in ‘Memory Care,’ has been my friend and life partner for 53 years.

“I cared for my wife at home, as well as I could, during her early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease, which began five years ago. Now, she is almost non-verbal, and on medication, though lovely to see.

“Would a ‘friend’ relationship, open and honest, with guidelines be viable given my circumstances? I am 87, healthy with no limitations. My favorites: Travel, live theatre, dinner perhaps twice a week, walking and caring for my lovely home, music, and dancing.

“I am financially independent and believe I am open and honest with a good sense of humor. What do you think?”

Bob’s situation rang a bell. I wrote about this topic in May 2011. The title, “Dating When a Spouse is Institutionalized with Alzheimer’s.” I accessed that column from the archives. Not much has changed on this topic since then so I am quoting from it.

Words and quotes from the 2011 article

“When a spouse has Alzheimer’s disease, is committed to an institution, no longer recognizes her or his spouse, and it’s been going on for years, is it OK for that person’s spouse to seek comfort in a relationship?”

“Ed said, My wife has early onset Alzheimer’s disease, a beautiful woman, age 59, whom I love very much. She is mentally gone now, doesn’t know me or anyone else, and sleeps much of the day. The rapid onset has been very discouraging; she has been in assisted living for two years.

“My family and friends are OK with my ‘moving on,’ as long as my wife receives the care she has now. I have no problem with that; I see her three to four times a week, but I cannot bring her home anymore.

“I met a widow two months ago. We see each other several times a week. We have tentative plans to do some traveling. Our relationship is platonic. She is very traditional. She says, ‘Who gives me a pass (the right) to date a married man?’

“Society, her friends, and the church we attend have sanctions, which she is concerned about. I don’t know how to answer her. What should I say?”
I asked Champs for their opinions (Remember, this is almost 14 years ago.)

What Champs said in 2011

Diane, who was in a similar situation, but with the roles reversed, said, “It’s a long and dark tunnel when going through Alzheimer’s with a loved one, but it helps to have a light at the end of that tunnel and someone waiting there for you who loves you.”

Gregory said, “Supreme Court Associate Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court) dealt with the reverse situation. Her husband found a ‘friend’ while at the nursing home. Justice O’Connor was delighted he had someone to be with.”

Jon wrote, “Considering that there really is no marriage anymore, and his spouse is apparently unable to comprehend what is going on, a relationship is within reason.”

Cydne emailed, “If Ed’s friend is concerned about what other people think, her answer is no. I don’t worry about what society or others think about my life decisions. That’s why I’m so happy.”

Mary said, “There will always be some holier than thou, a judgmental busybody who will make her life miserable with criticism and condemnation. So what, go for it!”

George stated, “Alzheimer’s is a vicious disease. The dementia associated with it is irreversible. A victim can linger for years. Spouses are as ‘imprisoned’ as patients. If there is another person to whom a spouse can reach out, it’s not cheating or being unfaithful.”

I answered Ed, “You and your friend sound well matched. I feel you should cherish each other. You have a right to be happy as you have been loyal and wonderful and will continue to ensure your wife is well taken care of. And your friend has the right to be happy as well, as she learned from being a widow.

“As far as the ‘sanctions’ you mentioned, only your new friend can decide whether the sanctions are more important than happiness with you. Doesn’t God want us all to be happy? If the sanction sources are too judgmental, perhaps she should find more enlightened sources that are more accepting.”

My comments to Ed were blunt back in 2011. My feelings are the same now, with one added comment. Finding a new friend is okay, as long as the incapacitated person is unable to comprehend or understand. If they still have their mental facilities and are aware of what is going on, then no, it’s not acceptable at that time.

And those are the words I say to Bob.

By the way, after the article appeared in my newspapers in 2011, a man sent comments to the Letters to the Editor section. He wrote, “Doesn’t anyone believe in ‘commitment’ anymore? Does the phrase ‘To death do us part’ mean anything to anybody?”

I quote what Elvis once said, “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

A psychotherapist shares her opinions

I asked Debbie Sirkin, a South Orange County, California, psychotherapist, for her opinion about Bob’s question. Debbie said, “Bob’s situation can be a moral, ethical, and religious dilemma, and it is not one size fits all.

“For better or worse, in sickness and in health” is not Biblical in nature, but rather from a pamphlet titled, The Book of Common Prayer, from 1569, written at a time when people’s life expectancy was maybe 30-35 years. Alzheimer’s has only been around a little over 100 years, so this is not something anyone has had to deal with until the last century.

“Similar to many things discussed in premarital therapy, Bob’s situation may be a new one I add to my list of questions to be discussed before having to deal with it. Given where we are today, with living longer, I think this is a question that can/should be asked early in a marriage (or in premarital therapy). Then, being faced with this dilemma, it is no longer a dilemma, as it has already been discussed before the anguish at a time when you need more support and less stress.”

So, there you are Bob, you received a “thumbs up” from almost everyone who commented, enjoy a friend, while you can.

I look forward to our Champs’ responses.

Part 2 – A mention in the New York Times

One of our Champs is Tammy LaGorce, a wedding columnist for The New York Times. Recently, Tammy asked me for a quote for an article she was working on. Tammy mentioned she was writing about animals and relationships. I wasn’t sure when the article would appear.

Tammy had read our eNewsletter a few weeks back about “Dogs and Dating.”
Yesterday afternoon, I received a text from Champ Dee, who had received a text from her daughter Megan-Marie, who lives in Massachusetts. Meggie sent her a link to Tammy’s article, “When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur.” The article appeared yesterday.

Tammy LaGorce quoted me in the end of her article:

“Tom Blake, a relationship advice columnist in Dana Point, Calif., said that ‘most of the people I know who are content with their pet companionships still secretly admit they’d like a human partner.’ He encourages people to indulge that secret wish: “Go out and meet people. Hug your pet when you come home.”

Dee said, “I was so happy to see your name at the end of it (the very end of the article).”

Can you imagine? A Champ’s daughter in Massachusetts noticed it and alerted her mom. Thank you, Dee (who used to live in Dana Point), and thank you, Tammy LaGorce, for writing it.

“When Your Significant Other Has Four Legs and Fur” by Tammy LaGorce

Trisha needs a therapist

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

October 13, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

Conflicted over senior dating. Responses to Trish’s situation. She’s a disgruntled woman.

In last week’s eNewsletter, we wrote about Trish, 62, who divorced 10 years ago. By her own admission, she is “an angry woman” and questions whether she can ever love again.

And yet, almost daily, she sees a man who adores her, a Southern “roughneck” and a “redneck” as she described him, who helps her for free with maintenance projects around her house. There is no physical aspect to their relationship. She said she worries about hurting him.

Several Champs responded, sharing their opinions. Here’s what 12 women and four men (a 3-to-1 ratio) emailed.

What Women Said

The first response came from Champ Delores, who emailed, “I cannot imagine why a 62-year-old woman, or a 69-year-old man, would accept a no-physical-contact relationship. She truly does have deep-seated issues and if I were that ‘redneck’ man, I would run as fast as I could, since eventually, her obvious disdain of him will wear him down emotionally and mentally.

“Why do that to someone? Let the guy go! And to be angry at what one was ‘dealt’ to you 10 years ago? Take responsibility and move through it! I do not think feeling/acting the victim is a great way to show up for your grown children.”

Margaret, “No physical stuff. She must be kidding.”

Kaitte, “I’m 71, single for 23 years, living at a poverty level, but doing ok. I can’t imagine living with anyone full-time. I don’t want to be responsible to anyone.

“Trish, talk to him and be honest by laying all your cards on the table and let the chips fall where they may. If he wants to set you up financially, he can do so without marriage. If you can’t imagine life without him, go for it.”

Deanne, “Here I sit, widowhood wiped out my confidence and I just can’t get out there and flirt. I know I’d be a good catch, but it seems like I’m starting all over as that anxious teenager.

“I was with my husband for 33 years and never realized how time flew. I’ve got to get back on the horse. I think I might need a wingman and all my friends are married and live out of state. I truly appreciate your wisdom and you are now a member of our loss club. I wish I had signed up for the Golden Bachelor.”

Terri, “Trish needs to see a therapist. A letter to a columnist may list the issues, but it doesn’t deal with the issues in the healthy way that sessions with a good therapist can. I hope she sees someone, it can make a world of difference in the quality of life, and in how we face the challenges of health, aging, and love.

“How do I know? Life has not always been kind, people have not always been kind, and I’ve survived lots of losses, survived serious health issues, and dealt with my life issues in therapy over the past several years.

“Get going, Trish! Nothing is promised in life, but life can be very good!”

Susie, “Trish’s story is similar to mine, and it hit home. I could not express my feelings as she did in her message to Tom. I am much older than her, but hope I can feel the magic again.”

Virgina, “Trish needs psychological assistance to get herself straightened out. So many mismatched red flags: her lifestyle that she has never adjusted to but is physically and unfortunately now committed to. She does not embrace her current physical surroundings because of past roots and her social upbringing lifestyle, which seems to be on the opposite end of the social spectrum than his. This is a big red flag, even if they were both in love, which they are not.

“The future for happiness does not bode well. It’s not fair to keep him around just for the surface conveniences. He may be a redneck, but he should not be taken advantage of just because he’s found someone he considers would normally be ‘out of his reach.’

“Trish can find a good handy man, and rent a cruise boat if she wants, but give this man a chance to find happiness emotionally, let him go for his own sake before it’s too late in life for him to do so.

“You were right, Tom, to direct Trish to seek the help she obviously needs with a professional counselor. Life is too short and unpredictable to spend years unwinding so many unsolved issues at our age.”

M (woman Champ), “Regarding the Bob Seger In Your Time lyrics, mine is that life Seger sings about, and my life isn’t easy, but I’ll get through it. I’m doing all I can to cope but now I’m in the throes of the storm. And I know that in the long run, my life will be better than it is now. I’m working very hard to meet the challenges.”

Rhen, “I’m guardedly happy for her but God ‘Gave’ her to him? She seems as she has discovered herself and is set to respond and initiate life beautifully. But she is too self-focused to realize she should let this guy go! Then you have a man who views their time together so deeply differently that it seems heartbreaking to continue such an endeavor.

“Her words jerked me back and forth as she went on. Show this poor man some mercy and let him go find a lady who will embrace his giving spirit and talents. I’d also bet he has some needs that are being unmet because he’s thinking his God has him serving her.”

S, “If you don’t love-’em, you’re using-’em, period. She needs to work on whatever demons haunt her. It’s interesting that she works in mental health.”

Regina, “Reading about Trish’s situation, I thought of the saying, “One woman’s trash is another’s treasure,” because she just isn’t feeling it for the dude. I want that guy! She should let him loose and give me his number!”

Laurie Jo, “What the HELL is wrong with this woman? Good grief! I’m so upset at her! I can’t even keep typing. Maybe more tomorrow when I’m more cogent and less mad.”

What male Champs said

Larry, “I feel this lady has not been direct and honest about the extent of her negative feelings. If she has him read your column and he still sticks around, he is a masochist! She is stringing him along because she has no other current options.”

Art, “I look forward to your weekly column and always find it interesting. I especially enjoyed this week’s edition since I have dated many women after I was widowed in 2007. After a few months of mourning, I joined Meetup.com, and POF (Plenty Of Fish).

“I have since dated at least 35 women, some once-and-done” lunches, where I always picked up the tab, and a few became long-lasting friendships and relationships.

“I have had numerous other relationships over the years, and another one was over before it fully blossomed.

“I am now dating a woman who used to live in my development and has now moved to a very large condo development of over 8,000 residents, which is 15 minutes from my home. We have known each other for more than 10 years. She is 78; I am 85.

“We go to the gym together three times a week, and to dinner each night after the gym. She occasionally makes dinner for me, and both of us love musical theater. We have seen at least a dozen shows, and currently have tickets to four shows in the coming months.

“We are best friends and I do not want to lose her by seeing someone else on the side. At my age, I am OK with being in the friend zone.

“Before my wife died, she and I were talking in our den. She said, “Art, I know I am going to die, and I want you to go out and have a life after I’m gone”. I tried to tell her that I thought she could remain alive for a long time, but since she had early-onset Alzheimer’s disease, I knew she was right.

“I think every one of us has to live the life we feel is best for us, but not close our minds to change.”

Jim, “Trish wants validation but not romance. I think she is wasting her time with this guy she calls a hick when she might meet the right guy for her if she can open up and not be so closed-minded. She doesn’t have it for the guy. She will never have it for this guy. But I did like how you handled it. Maybe this is good for her since she may be opening up in her own way slowly.”

David, “Trish simply does not trust a man, men if you will. Trish’s memories have now become an invisible wall, an invisible barrier, handicapping her from being able to savor life.”

The Man In Black

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
September 22, 2023
By Columnist Tom Blake

**Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom**

There are two parts to this week’s eNewsletter
Part 1 – The Man in Black at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano, Ca

In 1980, I saw Johnny Cash perform live at the Coach House, which at that time was a new musical venue in San Juan Capistrano, California. His touring bus was parked alongside the building. I got to spend some time with him and June Carter on the bus that night before the show. Why? Because I knew Johnny and June well.

I worked with them from 1975-1977 when I was the marketing director for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. I hired Johnny to sing our radio commercials and to be our company spokesperson because of his love for trains. Our restaurants were built out of box cars and cabooses. (see link to website below).

My friend, Jim Fallon, 74, is a widower of one year after 47 years of marriage. We met at a grief share meeting and became buddies, sharing our grief and dating experiences.

Jim was aware of my friendship with Johnny Cash and asked if I’d like to see a tribute band called The Man In Black in concert at the Coach House a week ago Thursday night. I said yes. Jim, my friend Debbie Sirkin, and I enjoyed the show and much more. Let me explain the “much more” comment.

I wanted to meet Shawn Barker, who is Johnny Cash in The Man In Black Tribute Band, and spend time with him before the concert. I checked the Villam Rocks.com website, which manages Shawn, and reached out to their promotion manager, Joey Waterman. I explained who I was and told Joey about my association with Johnny. He very enthusiastically arranged for the pre-concert meeting with Shawn.

Not only did Debbie, Jim, and I get to meet privately with Shawn, but we also got to meet his four band members. The keyboard player, Thomas, is from Copenhagen, Denmark. The bassist player, Shayne, is from Albany, New York. Charlie the drummer is from Nashville, and the bass player Dean is from Australia. What a cool bunch of guys.

In 2006, I wrote and published a book titled, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened To Victoria Station?” (see picture of book cover below). Three chapters in the book are devoted to my association and friendship with the Cash family.

I thought the five band members would enjoy learning what incredible people Johnny and June Carter Cash were from my perspective. Hence, I autographed and presented a book to Shawn and each of the four band members. They were happy with the gift.

(If you’d like an autographed copy of the book, email me and I will sign one and ship it for $16.98, which includes the book, shipping, taxes, handling, and standing in line at the post office to ship it (within the USA). If you purchase the book on Amazon.com, it would cost you $40.00+ and it won’t be autographed.)

The Coach House is located about 100 yards from the historical Mission San Juan Capistrano. Gary Folgner, the Coach House founder and still owner, opened the venue in 1980.

On last week’s visit there, I said hello to another old friend, Johnny the bartender, who has worked at the Coach House for 38 years.

The Tribute band led by Shawn was awesome. They played Orange Blossom Special, A Boy Named Sue, One Piece at a Time, Hey Porter, Get Rhythm, Folsom Prison Blues, Cry Cry Cry, Big River, Ghost Riders in The Sky, and, of course, the two biggies that Johnny Cash is known for, Ring of Fire, and I Walk The Line.

I was honored when Shawn introduced me to the audience as probably the only person there who had known Johnny. That was an honor. Several people from the audience introduced themselves after the show.

Also, the band’s version of Will The Circle Be Unbroken had people on their feet like they were at a revival meeting.

I had goosebumps most of the night. Johnny had taken me into San Quentin Prison for a concert in 1977 so when Shawn sang Folsom Prison Blues, I could really relate to the atmosphere inside the walls of Folsom.

Jim said, “The energy, talent, and personality of Shawn, aka The Man in Black, was breathtaking. He had the audience involved during the entire show. If you ever get a chance to see this The Man in Black Tribute band, do it.

“And keep an eye on upcoming performances at the Coach House. You’ll love the vibe there. Our food server Hollie is the best—so busy, so friendly, and smart. We in Orange County are truly blessed to have such a wonderful music venue in San Juan Capistrano. And, it’s usually packed with people aged 50 to 75. ”

Debbie said, “I felt like Johnny Cash was in the room, both in voice and charisma. The entire audience appeared to be as mesmerized as we were. I was so proud to have been with Tom, the only person in the room who actually knew Johnny.”

I know that my friends Johnny and June Cash were smiling from above that night, and I gave them a thumbs up from the Coach House, the venue where I had been with them in person, almost 45 years before.

After the show, near the exit door of the Coach House, Jim, Debbie, and I said goodbye to Shawn and complimented him on a memorable performance. Each of us felt a warm glow as we drove to our homes.

If you would like to hear Johnny Cash sing the Victoria Station 30-second radio commercials he recorded, go to the website www.vicsta.com. On the home page, near the top, you will see a white square with >> an arrow pointing to the right. click on it and you will hear Johnny sing 3 commercials.

Part 2 – Tom on a podcast
I was interviewed by Bela Gandhi, the founder of The Smart Dating Academy, on a podcast last week, which aired this past Monday. This is an audio and video podcast, so I’m seen for about an hour (wish I had smiled more and I hope I don’t put you to sleep). The link to the podcast is below.
https://youtube/TVQKfjQUxWs

The book Tom autographed to The Man In Black tribute band members

Jim, Debbie, Shawn (aka Johnny Cash), and Tom

I Don’t Want To Hurt You But…

On Love and Life After 50 eNewsletter

September 8, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

I don’t want to hurt you but…

The double-whammy of senior dating

An email from a woman Champ this week inspired today’s topic. She’s 70, and her partner of 11 years passed away months ago, which devastated her. She’s trying to dip her toes into the senior dating waters. One thing she’s done is to go online.

She wrote, “For weeks and weeks, a man who lived an hour away and I texted and had long and fun conversations. Finally, we met in person. It felt like we knew each other. There he was, a nice tall man waiting for me at the table; we sat there for three and a half hours, laughing talking, and sharing.

Tom’s comment: Weeks and weeks were too long to wait. When single seniors have an interest in each other, they should try to meet in person as soon as possible. In that way, if there is no connection, little time has been wasted. People sometimes fall in love with an image, someone they have never seen face-to-face, and that usually doesn’t go well. You must see someone in person to judge the chemistry.

She continued talking about the first date, “He wanted to see me again and kissed me several times before I got in my car. Once home, I got a text saying what a great time he had, and couldn’t wait to see me again. Then nothing, no text, no email, no phone call, ever again. I checked the obituaries to ensure he hadn’t passed away.”

She had been ghosted by him. She was still hurting from losing her mate and meeting him had provided a little hope, which had built up over the weeks. She was vulnerable and his disappearance hurt. Not a huge hurt as it was only one date, but that rejection added to the big hurt.

She had suffered what I call “the double-whammy of senior dating,” which is when you are still grieving a big loss and then you incur another loss on top of the big loss.

Another Champ, a widower, shared his story. He said, “Seven months after my wife passed, I was trying to combat senior loneliness, so I tried online dating and met several women. No one clicked. Either they weren’t attracted to me, or I wasn’t attracted to them, or they lived too far away. Plus, ages were misrepresented (claiming they were younger than they were) and photos were deceptive and not properly dated.

Then, one Saturday night, a nice woman online reached out to me. We had an instant strong mutual attraction. She lived within five miles of me.

“She still worked and had children somewhat nearby, so her availability was limited, but we made the most of our time together. I was slowly growing fond of her, and she also of me, but to a lesser degree, which she reminded me of at times.

“We had amazing chemistry. I cared a lot. Sometimes we’d take a break from each other, but we always reunited a short time later. We didn’t have an exclusive agreement but neither one was dating anyone seriously. At least that was my impression and I assumed neither one of us was sleeping with anyone else–at least I wasn’t.

“She started finding fault in me and told me she didn’t want to be tied down to one person. Something had changed in her feelings toward me. She reminded me that we were both free to date others, which was a small dart in the heart, but we continued to see each other a couple of times a week.

“Then, recently she said, “I don’t want to hurt you but…” She was going away for a few days. And it was not to be with her kids and grandkids. She went to the same far-away city twice with no explanation to me. I surmised that perhaps she was sleeping with another man she had met online, although that was never verified. After she returned the second time, I questioned her and she said she didn’t.

“On top of the passing of my wife, I had lost her as well. That really hurt. Two losses in less than a year.

“Her version of what happened in the relationship would definitely be different. There are always two sides to a story. But I think I’m a pretty good dude so I must roll with the flow and try to find someone whose life I can enhance and who loves me as well.

Tom’s comment: This man’s story is another example of the double-whammy of senior dating. Losing someone you care about while still missing your spouse or life partner. As the two stories above reveal, it can happen to both men and women.

My advice to the woman who got ghosted is to pick yourself up and keep trying. Don’t give up.

My advice to the man is to continue putting yourself out there. You know you will meet other nice women. But, keep in touch with her because you and she have such a strong connection, that she may rethink her position. She might come to her senses and realize she might lose you and maybe you will be back together trying to work it out.

The man’s story reminds me of the Neil Diamond song “Solitary Man.” See the link below. There are actually two links included in today’s eNewsletter.

True, there can be other losses that are difficult to deal with while grieving the big loss of an ex-spouse or partner. The loss of a dog or other loved animal can be a subset of the double-whammy of senior dating. How much pain can people tolerate?

There may be some Champs who feel that both of the above people decided to date too soon after the loss of a loved one. That’s not the issue here. Everybody heals differently. And as Elvis once said, “Don’t judge me if you haven’t walked in my shoes.”

The Bottom Line

When meeting a new potential mate, through an introduction by a friend, or while walking your dog, or, even online, proceed with caution and don’t wear blinders. Realize that you are still going to miss your previous mate, so, you’re already vulnerable.

But let’s say something clicks with a new person and you slowly find yourself caring for him or her. You wonder, “Can this really be happening to me?” Be sure there is honesty and trust established.

Chemistry might lead to intimacy. Enjoy and relish that. But watch out and listen for red flags. If the person constantly refers to an ex-lover, or starts finding fault with you, take that as a warning sign. You don’t want to get unexpectedly bopped by the double-whammy of senior dating.

Links to two appropriate songs

While writing today’s eNewsletter, I thought about two songs. Both are linked below.

Neil Diamond’s “Solitary Man.” I love the trumpet player and the other guys on the horns.

Here’s the link. By the way, this recording of the song was recorded at Hot August Night III at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles. Greta and I were there.

Link to Neil Diamond

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?&q=solitary+man+by+neil+diamond&&mid=F20E9AED677C369D1046F20E9AED677C369D1046&&FORM=VRDGAR

Neil Diamond “Solitary Man”

And I also thought about the song by Rod Stewart and Amy Belle, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It,” (how you broke my heart). It’s a classic whammy love song. The link is below.

The song is accompanied by the Royal Philharmonic orchestra. Watch particularly for Ms. Bell’s captivating smile and the incredible woman Saxophone player! And finally, how the audience nearly takes over the song near the end. Rod and Amy love that as well.

Link to Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=rod+stewart+and+amy+belle&mid=5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA5D232BAAC961D04CE3FA

Rod Stewart and Amy Belle

Home alone with only dogs for company

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter August 18, 2023

By Tom Blake columnist

Home alone with only dogs for company

People often ask where I learned to write, expecting to hear a reply like “At journalism school.” Or, they ask, “Have you always been a writer?”
I reply: “No journalism school. No formal writing classes, self-taught, and prompted by an unanticipated Christmas holiday event.

In 1993, I was in Santa Rosa, California, visiting my 82-year-old mom, as I did every Christmas holiday, and at least once a month. Santa Rosa is a nine-hour drive from Dana Point where I lived then.

My wife of six years, and her two boys, said they wanted me to have alone time with Mom so they opted to not join me on the trip.

I telephoned home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but no one answered. I thought that was strange, as I was unaware of any plans they had made.

On the morning after Christmas, Mom and I were having breakfast at her home. The phone rang. I answered. It was my wife calling.

She said, “Hi honey. We had a great Christmas. I’ve been busy at work. The weather’s been wonderful, and we moved out.”

A bit stunned to say the least, I said, “What do you mean you moved out?” Mom heard my seven words, and her hackles went up.

My wife replied, “Just wanted to let you know. Gotta go. Everything’s fine.” And she hung up.

I hugged Mom goodbye and proceeded to drive back to Dana Point. I didn’t know it at the time, but that nine-hour drive was the start of my writing career.

Why? I had a notepad on my lap. A million thoughts went through my mind. I reminded myself to not be a distracted driver.

As best I could, I jotted down my thoughts. A word here, a word there. Short, incomplete sentences. The first item: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left with water?

The next item: Why did she do it without us discussing it first? By the trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad.

When I pulled into the garage, my dogs barked. They were okay, nothing else mattered, at least at that moment.

My wife and her boys had taken what furniture and household items they wanted and didn’t leave much. I described that in the notepad, which became the start of a diary. I was puzzled, perplexed, and pissed.

A month later, while serving sandwiches during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point, California, deli, in front of customers and employees, I was served with divorce papers! And, as I was doing every night, I went home and jotted down my thoughts in what then had become sort of a woe-is-me diary.

In two months, the divorce was final. Shortly after the divorce, at age 54, I decided to start dating again, thinking I’d be king of the hill, because lots of single women came to the deli. But those women didn’t want to date a broken man in his early 50s.

Oh my gosh, reality hit harder than I had ever imagined. As I sat on barstools at Brio, Hennessey’s, and other local singles’ hangouts, I’d add the dating misadventures into the diary. Sitting on barstools, I honed my writing skills.
After five months, I converted the notes from the diary into a short story. I edited the material 25 times. It was about 75 pages. I thought I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, LA Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper in Dana Point.

After reading my short story, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to an in-person meeting.“What do you have in mind?” They asked.

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from a man’s point of view whose wife dumped him at age 54 and he’s trying to date.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, including younger women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your male point of view articles.”

My column was titled, “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”

The first newspaper article was called, “Home alone, with only dogs for Company.” It appeared July 7, 1994–29 years ago–in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers.

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the vitriolic responses from women.

The first comment was, “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “Get the boy a crying towel.”

And the third: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”

Welcome to the 1994 dating trenches, Tom.

Soon the column appeared in 10 OC Register community papers. And then for eight years, it was also in the Register itself, the nation’s 20^th largest newspaper, as well as the community papers. Opportunity had arisen from adversity. The unexpected move-out by my wife turned out to be a blessing in my life.

Eleven years ago, in 2012, I was fortunate to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. My column title, “Finding Love After 50.”

I learned last week that Picket Fence Media has been sold to the Times Media Group, a collection of 29 newspapers in Arizona and around Los Angeles.
My publisher told me that the new owners want me to keep writing my columns. There’s a chance that my column might be included in even more newspapers. I hope so.

The number of columns and eNewsletters written in 29 years is approaching 4,600.

Why was that divorce 29 years ago the best thing that ever happened to me? It launched a writing career that has been more rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It brought appearances on the Today Show and Good Morning America.

And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I shared so many incredible experiences in the 25 years we were together before she passed away last October.

And now it’s back to being single. And because of you Champs, I realize I am not alone in trying to find a new direction and maybe be fortunate again to find a mate. We’ve got lots of Champs who are widows, widowers, never-married, and divorced people who have suffered a hell of a lot more adversity than I have. Many are grieving now.

Please hug them, listen to them, and be friends with them. There’s a huge cloud of emptiness and loneliness around them, which I can relate to.

Have things changed on the dating scene in 29 years? Not much, except now there is online dating with romance scammers on every Internet dating site. Plus, now, instead of focusing on dating after 50, the focus includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90. Same old issues—hard to meet someone compatible. And as we age, women tell me there aren’t enough men.

For those who have suffered a major setback in life, try–as hard as it is currently for you–to include social interaction in your routines.
Join groups, help each other, give lots of hugs, and be thankful for life. Look for that seed of opportunity to soothe the pain. It’s out there somewhere, you just need to keep an eye out for it.

Have a purpose in life, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, sewing, joining a book club, or enjoying your friends and family.

And pray for the people of Hawaii, especially the people of Maui.

Thanks to you women and men Champs for being so important and special in my life.

Senior Relationship Breakups

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter August 4, 2023

By Columnist Tom Blake

When seniors get dumped by a mate

Editor’s note: The cover photo is of Matt and Cheryl. Their story is included below near the bottom of the article.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about Jack, age 73, whose 15-year-younger girlfriend told him she was moving out, after he had been in the hospital with “a serious illness.” She had lived with him at his home for 10 years. He was devastated and is still trying to overcome the heartache he’s felt for several months.

I wrote last week, “When adversity hit in the form of his senior illness, Jack’s companion coldly and ruthlessly moved on.” Oh wow, that comment didn’t sit well with some women Champs.

Patty emailed, “You got the hair up on my neck when you wrote that sentence. I had a similar situation with a man I was crazy about. He took advantage of me every chance he could.

“He went into the hospital with a serious health situation, and I was there by his side. During his stay, I found out he lied to me about something and that was a deal breaker for me.

“He was still seeing a woman when he looked at me in the face and swore he wasn’t. Was it harmless?

“That wasn’t the point…he looked at me right in my eyes and said he wasn’t. And he did, right before I drove up to LA to take him, hold his hand, put a cold cloth on his bald little head, as he lay in recovery. And he was still texting her on my birthday.

“I painfully left him there in the hospital. Doing so was so against my gut core that it physically broke me for a while.

“Tom don’t assume all sides of a story are true until you hear them. I had been a tireless, faithful caregiver for my husband for 10 years (Married 45 years) and I wasn’t about to go through that pain again for someone that lacked personal integrity.

“I’m still not over feeling bad for leaving him there–four months later–but I also couldn’t have lived with a guy that looked at me in the face and lied to me. Two sides… two stories.

I’m sure Jack’s version, leaving out a lot of reality, would break your heart too.

Be gentle my friend…maybe she was crazy about a player too… but found out her well-being was better without him, as painful as that was.

“Maybe it was her turn now.”

Sandy, “Jack’s story leads one to believe that he was abandoned after experiencing an illness. This happens and he greased the wheels for this by living together and not getting married. However, perhaps there is more to it than we know. Maybe his words ‘We had a challenging relationship’ are a rosy euphemism for a troubled relationship.

“While the woman left, let’s remember that men leave living-together relationships and marriages as well and he could have exercised that option at any time including if she had become ill.

“Most men (this includes my father, a 91-year-old widower) want a younger woman on their arm.

“A relationship with a younger woman certainly can work but it is a minefield which men REFUSE to acknowledge. Late marriages to younger women are not always love matches and men who don’t want to acknowledge this are taking a significant risk. The bigger the age difference, the greater the risk.

“Most of these – especially young women who target older men–are only looking to trade sex for security. Most men want to believe the fantasy that a 35-year-old is madly in love with them at age 70.”

Tom’s thoughts: I take issue with Sandy’s comment that most men believe a woman half their age would be madly in love with them. I don’t know of any men who think a woman half their age would be madly in with them. Not one guy.

Also, regarding the earlier comment that most men want a younger woman on their arm. This is a gray area. How much younger? On my first online date, the woman asked, “What is the age range you are looking for?” Remember, Champs, I’ve reached 80. I said, “Between 72 and 79.”

She was aghast. She said, “You men are all alike, trying to date younger women.” Then, she looked at the sky and said, “The sun just came out. I am leaving to go do my swimming laps.” She stood up and left, never to be seen by me again.

Is between one and nine years younger considered dating a younger woman at my age? Holy cow!

Sandy continued, “Recently this happened to a long-time guy friend who is 71. A woman (35) carried on with him for two years. She wanted out of her marriage. He paid for an apartment and furniture and more. Eventually, I encouraged him to grant her wish which was to come and stay at his home for two weeks. (I encouraged this because I knew he would see that she was not sincere).

“She brought a girlfriend. He hosted them for two weeks and then the two women did not want to leave. By this time, he realized the only love there was – was for his bank account. They stayed another two weeks. Then the girl went home and left her girlfriend there.

“The girlfriend made a sexual proposition (yes, really) but she was turned down by him and she finally left. The girl returned to her husband and young child. This unveiling incident lasted almost six weeks and my friend was understandably depressed at finding out that he was not loved for himself.

“It took a while, but he recovered, and it was certainly better than continuing to believe the fantasy or base a permanent relationship on the fantasy.

“The risks are further amplified if either or both partners have previous unsuccessful marriages. Baggage times the number of marriages.

“Younger women willingly make sacrifices to be with an older man. It requires certain sacrifices for the man as well. It’s unrealistic for men to think they are going to have a longstanding relationship with a younger woman and not acknowledge how the age disparity can change expectations.

Cheryl shared, “I’m home recovering nicely from an auto accident earlier this month, and grateful for all the support I’ve received and especially for all Matt’s (my partner) help during this difficult time. Having been his caregiver through several surgeries and cancer treatments, our roles have reversed recently due to my accident.

“When I ventured into online dating, one of the guys online commented on his profile that he wasn’t looking for a ‘nurse’ and didn’t want to be contacted by anyone looking for a ‘purse.’ The comment offended me then and still does.

“Although I understood his concern, at our age, none of us knows when we might need a ‘nurse.’ When Matt and I became serious and made the commitment to each other for ‘the rest of the journey,’ we also decided to live together.

“As it turned out, Matt has experienced several health challenges as I mentioned I have had the role of ‘nurse’ several times since we’ve been together. He has never resented or felt like he was my ‘purse’ and I haven’t felt like or resented being his ‘nurse.’ We have contributed to our relationship in different ways but neither of us has felt used nor do we have any regrets about making the commitment to each other. On the contrary, we feel extraordinarily blessed and grateful to have found love and companionship with each other in our senior years.

“Sandy mentioned this past week ‘the risk of having any relationship.’ Perhaps the greatest risk is allowing ourselves to trust another person with not only our feelings but our physical and financial security. Those risks are present at any age, not just in our senior years.

“A dear friend advises, ‘Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.’ There are no guarantees in any relationship, but no relationship is possible without taking risks. Matt and I are certainly grateful we did!

Tom, “I have a friend who is dealing with the grief of losing his wife one year ago. He felt he needed to sell his horse and was feeling sad because it was the loss of an animal he loved. So, any loss, not just of a spouse or partner, can leave a hole in a person’s heart, especially after we’ve already lost the spouse or partner.

Even the loss of someone we’ve dated for just a short time, and care for. It’s not just that he or she passed away. Either person could decide the relationship wasn’t for them.

Senior dating is wonderful when you meet someone and form an exclusive relationship. But maybe one of the partners, or both, rushed in a little too deep and a little too hard. Red flags can be when a potential mate says, “Oh, you seem to care more than I do.” And then the same person says a few days later, “I need more alone time.”

And yet, you try to make it work because you care, and yet you are vulnerable.

And then he or she leaves. It’s only natural to feel sad. Is the other person wrong or mean? No, they are just being honest. You’ve got to just “let it be” and get your profile page updated. Yikes.

Makes me think of the song by Foreigner, “I Want To Know What Love Is.”