Columnist Tom Blake – Page 9 – On Life and Love after 50

Lying about age on senior dating profile

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 7, February 14, 2020

Is Lying about age on senior dating profile acceptable?

by Columnist Tom Blake

This week, Champ Arlene, mid-60s, shared a story about a man who contacted her on a senior dating website. His profile stated he was 71, close enough in age, she felt, to be a potential mate.

Arlene emailed, “The guy wrote that he’d like to meet me at Starbucks. His photo looked ok. The location was near where I live so I agreed.

“He lives about 20 miles from me. I was sitting outside waiting for him, even though it was a bit chilly. When he walked up, he seemed much older than his photo.

“He had seen in my profile a picture of me on a cruise. He asked if I liked to cruise, to which I replied: ‘Yes, it’s my favorite thing to do.’

“He told me he’d been in the Navy and on many ships. I asked if it was during the Viet Nam War; he told me it was during the Korean War. Since I’m a Baby Boomer, guys in my age group were in the Viet Nam War, NOT the Korean War.

“I reminded him that his senior dating profile stated he was 71. He told me he’d ‘fudged’ his age a bit; he was 81! I let him ramble on for an hour about himself then told him I had many errands and had to leave.

“He had the nerve to contact me online again the next day. I told him we were not a match and that 81 was NOT 71!

“These guys never stop trying.”

Chris and Tina told the truth about their ages 15 years ago and the truth paid off. They married in 2017. He’s early 80s; Tina’s late 70s.

I wondered why he lied to Arlene. I pondered what he may have thought; I’m only guessing but perhaps it was something along this line.

He saw her profile on the senior dating website. Her picture appealed to him; he found her attractive. She lived close enough to him that dating her would be convenient.

He thought her interests and hobbies meshed with his. After all, he had been in the Navy onboard ships and he had noticed that profile picture of her on the cruise ship.

Perhaps she had the characteristics he sought in a mate. From her profile, it appeared to him they could be a good match.

There was just one problem, of which he was oh-so aware–probably because he had experienced it previously, more than once–he was too old for her.

If he listed his true age, he wouldn’t get a date with Arlene because she was more than 10 years younger.

Maybe he was convinced that if he could just get to meet Arlene face-to-face, she might think he was so wonderful, that their 10-to-17-year age difference (whichever it was), wouldn’t matter. He may have thought he was being creative and didn’t think he was kidding himself or being delusional.

To improve his chances of getting a date with Arlene, he simply shaved 10 (or more) years off his true age, on his profile.

Technically, he was lying. But he believed it was just a little white lie. Besides, he promised himself that he’d reveal his true age when they met, after, of course, he’d had a chance to show her what a potentially great catch he’d be. Is lying to get one’s foot in the door wrong?

Perhaps he knew from previous experiences that the only way to get first dates with younger women was to lie on his profile.

Again, I can’t say if this is how his thinking went, or if any of my above speculation is true, but, I imagine, some of it is.

Christine Baumgartner, an Orange County dating and relationship coach, once told me, “When I work with my clients, I always insist they tell the truth about themselves, including their age. It’s very important not to lie.”

Some senior singles say, if people lie about their age, anything they say might be suspect.

I responded to Arlene: “He may have even been fudging a bit more. The Korean War was between 1950-1953. If he was, let’s say, 17, in 1950, that would make him approximately 87 now. If he was 17 in 1953, he’d be about 84 now. If he was older than 17 during the Korean War, he could be in his late 80s now.”

Lying about one’s age isn’t acceptable. Besides, the truth will emerge sooner or later.

Oh, and did I mention, I’m 64? Well, at least I once was!
****
Anecdote about age. As I was preparing this eNewsletter, Greta said, “An article I’m reading says Johnny Mathis is 83, Engelbert Humperdinck is 83, Tony Bennett ,94, and Clint Eastwood is 89.” I thought, oh my gosh, that can’t be possible.

The next Senior Meet and Greet in Dana Point, California, will be Thursday, February 27, 2020, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 PCH, Dana Point, from 5 to 7 p.m. Admission free, appetizers free, beer and wine per glass $6.

Why I keep Valentine’s Day low-key

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 5, January 31, 2020

by Columnist Tom Blake

There are 3 parts to today’s eNewsletter

Part One – Why I keep Valentine’s Day low-key

Recently, a buddy said, “As the On Life and Love After 50 columnist, what plans do you have for you and Greta to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year?”

I think he expected to hear me describe something fancy such as a romantic evening for us at one of the nearby 5-star hotels. Two of them, the Monarch Beach Resort, and, the Ritz Carlton, are within walking distance of our Monarch Beach, California, home.

I hadn’t thought about our plans for Valentine’s Day—Greta and I hadn’t even discussed it–so I replied, “We’ll probably stay home.”

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

I added, “We might splurge by preparing a lobster dinner with spinach salad, and sip on a glass of Churn, my favorite chardonnay, topped off with a piece or two of See’s candy. We’ll probably be in the sack by 10 p.m.

House rule: Maximum two pieces per person per box opening

Surprised at the modest plan, he questioned, “Churn chardonnay?”

“Yup, my favorite chardonnay,” I said. “Seven bucks a bottle at Trader Joe’s.”

I added, “I’ve never been a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. Granted, it’s good for the economy. However, greeting-card companies, restaurants, candy makers and flower shops mount such an overwhelming marketing blitz, I feel it takes some of the romance out of Valentine’s Day.

“Similar to New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day can make people without a mate lonelier than they already are. That’s why I avoid making Valentine’s Day a big deal in my columns. I don’t want the lonely people to feel worse.”

My friend’s questions reminded me that when I was younger, I experienced some lonely Valentine’s Days.

In a column I wrote in 1996, I said this about that day:

“I’ve taken a few romantic hits lately: divorce, rejection, etc. Funny how sometimes life drags us through the gutter before it starts to improve.

“But, even though there’s no one special in my life on this 1996 Valentine’s Day, most importantly, I have my health, a nice roof over my head, and a job where I can eat when I’m hungry (that’s when I owned Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point).”

In June, 1998, two years after writing that article, I met Greta, so the “no one special in my life” situation changed.

To Greta and me, every day is Valentine’s Day, so we don’t make a big deal out of February 14. We appreciate very much what we have.

We both enjoy great families, and lots of wonderful friends. And nice readers like you.

I think the most thoughtful thing people can do on Valentine’s Day is to reach out to those who may be spending the day alone. They might be lonely. Invite them to join you and your friends for lunch or dinner. Share the love of the day with them.

And look after them the rest of the year. Loneliness isn’t just a Valentine’s Day reality. It’s year around.

The best thing about Valentine’s Day—it’s a day of giving, just like Thanksgiving–making other people feel special and loved.

Oh, and by the way, a rose or an orchid is always appreciated.

Yellow rose from my garden this week

Part 2 – Devastated – Losing Kobe Bryant

I try to always put a positive spin on these eNewsletters. But, this week, it’s been a challenge. On Sunday morning, at home, I was walking down the steps from upstairs, when Greta looked at me sadly. I knew something was wrong. She shared news that rocked me to my core: “Kobe has been killed in a crash.”

Kobe Bryant, to us, was, of course, a person who gave us years of basketball enjoyment with the LA Lakers. But much more than that, he was an incredible human being with ties to our little city of Dana Point. He and Vanessa were married in St. Edwards Catholic Church here. Kobe is a household word in Southern California, especially in Los Angeles and Orange County.

He was kind, humble and loved children. He gave to many charities.

And the eight others who also died in that helicopter crash were all from Orange County—including Kobe’s daughter and the baseball coach at Orange Coast College, and that coach’s family and a few of his friends.

I will never forget where I was when I heard the Kobe news–coming down my steps at home. I’ve never forgotten where I was when Greta informed me about 9-11, or when I was in the engine room of the USS Noble off the coast of Guam during the Viet Nam War when the news of JFK’s passing was announced over the ship’s speakers.

So, excuse me for getting personal today. You are my friends and I wanted to share that with you.

Writing columns and newsletters for 27 years

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – January 3, 2020

Glad To Be Here – Columnist Tom Blake On Life and Love after 50 column turns 27

In the final eNewsletter of 2019, I asked Champs to send me their questions, comments and experiences.

One woman asked, “Did you study journalism in college?”

Another woman emailed, “Why/how did you start writing about dating? What makes you an expert on relationships?”

I will answer the above two questions in today’s eNewsletter main column.

But first, a third question came from a man. He said, “After 33 years of marriage, I’m getting a divorce. What do you advise I do?”

My answer to him: “Take a deep breath. Are you certain the marriage can’t be salvaged? If you want advice from me and our Champs, you need to provide more details about yourself and what happened to your marriage.”

There are two parts to today’s eNewsletter.

Part 1 – Glad To Be Here – Tom’s column turns 27

On July 7, 1994, my first newspaper column was published. It appeared in the South County Lifestyles section of four Orange County Register community newspapers. The column will turn 27 on July 7 of this year.

The answer to question number one above, “I did not study journalism in college. The only writing course I had was while getting my MBA from the University of Michigan. It was a business letter-writing course taught by Professor Mary Bromage. She taught students to write tight, be concise and eliminate unnecessary words.

“So, no journalism school. Instead, I learned to write sitting on bar stools gathering research, while trying to meet women after my divorce.”

That sentence probably needs an explanation, especially for new Champs. Some of my long-time, loyal readers likely are familiar with this story. To them, I apologize for any boring repetition today.

Here’s how I began writing:

On Christmas Eve, 1993, my wife of six years, took what furniture and belongings she wanted from our Monarch Beach, California, home and moved out of my life. I was in Santa Rosa, north of San Francisco, visiting my 83-year-old mom.

I did not know about the move out. Oh, I knew we had some issues to discuss, but most couples do. I found out the morning after Christmas, when she telephoned me at Mom’s.

On the drive home, I had a notepad in my lap. When you’ve got nine hours to drive, knowing your spouse has bailed out, a million thoughts go through your mind.

Being very careful while driving (I guess back then it was equivalent to today’s texting while driving, not a good idea,) I jotted those thoughts down. The first item on my mind: What about my dogs, Amy and Kira? Were they gone? Were they still there? Had they been fed or left water for two days?

The next item: Why did she leave without us discussing it first?

Although I wasn’t a writer, by trip’s end, I had a mishmash of notes on the notepad. I had no idea those notes would be the start of a writing career.

When I opened the garage door, the dogs barked. They were okay. We were happy to see each other.

A month later, during lunchtime at Tutor and Spunky’s, my Dana Point deli, in front of customers and employees, instead of serving sandwiches, I was the one served. With divorce papers!

That night, I jotted down my thoughts in what had become a soon-to-be-divorced-man’s diary. I wrote, “Today, getting served was the last straw. I’m going to begin dating immediately.”

I was 54 and thought dating would be a snap, with a plethora of single women coming through the deli doors. What a rude awakening. Younger female deli customers wouldn’t date me. In fact, women, regardless of age, wouldn’t date me.

As I sat on bar stools at Brio, Hennessey’s and other local Dana Point singles’ hangouts, looking for love, I’d add the dating misadventures on cocktail napkins, and then nightly when I got home, I’d put the notes into the diary. It was on those bar stools where I started to write.

After five months, I used the diary notes to write a short story. I edited the material multiple times. It was 74 pages. I thought, maybe, I could get the story published.

I sent query letters to The New York Times, Playboy Magazine and Esquire. No response. The Orange County Register recommended I contact the Dana Point News, the Register’s community paper.

After reading my material, the two women editors—Sherrie Good and Dixie Redfearn–agreed to a meeting at their office.

At the meeting, their opening question: “What do you have in mind for our newspaper?”

I had no idea, so I just blurted out, “Maybe I could do a dating-after-50 column from the man’s-point-of-view.”

They said, “That’s what we were thinking. You are whining and complaining so much about the cost of dating, and being rejected by all sorts of women, we feel the single, middle-aged women of Orange County will have a field day reading your woe-is-me misadventures.”

The first column was titled: “Home alone, with only dogs for company.”

Sherrie and Dixie were right about the anticipated responses from women readers.

The first comment: “Who is this sniveling puke?”

The second: “He complains that younger women won’t go out with him. It’s a wonder any woman will go out with him.”

Welcome to the mid-life dating trenches, Tom.

I wrote for the OC Register and 10 of its community papers for 17 years.

Nine years ago, I was blessed to join the team at Picket Fence Media—the publishers of the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch. I am very lucky to have this incredible opportunity to write for print newspapers. How so?

On Tuesday, July 3, 2018, the Boston Globe newspaper published an article by Evan Horowitz titled, “Even fishing and coal mining are not losing jobs as fast as the newspaper industry.”

Horowitz stated, “Nearly 300 English-language daily newspapers have disappeared from the US landscape in the past 20 years…Florida, California, New Jersey, and Michigan have each lost roughly 70 percent of their newspaper jobs.”

So, I’m very fortunate to still have my articles printed by three vibrant print newspapers, published by a hard-working staff.

The number of columns and eNewsletters I’ve written in 27 years—4,000+.

My divorce launched a rewarding writing career. It brought two appearances on the Today Show and an appearance on Good Morning America. I’ve authored four books. And more importantly, it opened the door for me to meet Greta, a partner with whom I’ve shared many incredible experiences in the 22 years we’ve been together.

Tom, Greta and Diane Sawyer, June 8, 2005, on the set of Good Morning America after Diane interviewed Tom

Have things changed on the dating scene in 27 years? Not too much, it’s still more difficult for women to meet men vs. men trying to meet women. New things include romance scams, thousands of online dating sites, more widows, more widowers and catch-phrases like ghosting, bread crumbed and LAT relationships.

Now, instead of writing about dating after 50, which is where the column’s original focus began, the scope includes dating after 60, 70, 80, and even 90.

In answering the second question at the top of today’s article, Am I a dating expert? The answer is no. Our Champs are the experts; I’m just the conduit to readers.

With your help and inputs, in the 2020 weekly issues of this eNewsletter, we’ll explore more changes and relationship issues. And hopefully, we’ll help some older singles meet mates.

As former U.S. Navy Blue Angel pilot John Foley states in his recently published book, Fearless Success, his daily mindset thinking, which he feels has contributed to his success, is, “Glad To Be Here.”

I like that. And I’m “Glad To Be Here” as well.

Former Navy Blue Angel pilot, John Foley, has written a book about how he and other Blue Angels cope with their precision flying maneuvers. Foley begins his day stating “Glad To Be Here.”

Part 2 – January 2020 Meet and Greet

The first Meet and Greet for people age 50-plus will be at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, California, 92629, on Thursday, January 23, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. No admission cost. Complementary appetizers, beer and wine, $5 per glass.

Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 27, 2019

Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good.

Columnist Tom Blake end of 2019 message

Today’s eNewsletter, the final edition of 2019, is brief. Mainly, it’s to wish each of you a Happy New Year and thank you for being a Champ.

And thanks to all of you who shared your stories and opinions with the rest of us throughout this year. Hearing from you is what gives us the subject matter to continue publishing fresh, complimentary eNewsletters.

I hope at least a few of you respond this week so we can start off 2020 with an entertaining and informative issue.

For Greta and me, we had a special Holiday season. We spent time with many members of her rather extensive family (four children, eight grandchildren and five great grandchildren, and five brothers and sisters) and relatives, which included a niece’s wedding on December 22. There were pictures taken, toasts and tears of joy.

On Christmas Eve, there were 18 of her family at Greta’s son’s home for dinner.

On Christmas Day, we drove to San Diego for dinner with my sister Christine, and sister Pam and Pam’s husband Bob. Even though my brother Bill was in Dallas with his family, he surprised us with a very extra-special tribute to our parents that also resulted in tears of appreciation and happiness.

We also had visits with friends from Austria, Argentina and Mexico.

Our Austrian friends enjoyed Dana Point Harbor decorations

Being with family and friends over the Holidays is such a blessing.

By the way, the first Age 50+ Meet and Greet of 2020 is scheduled for Thursday, January 23, at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli in Dana Point, California, from 5 to 7 p.m. There is no cost and it’s a great opportunity to make new friends.

I leave you with this thought for the upcoming year:

I was reviewing the archives of some past emails and found this from Champ Toni, which she sent on August, 20, 2018. Toni wrote:

“Being single doesn’t have to be a curse. It can be a wonderful opportunity to learn about yourself and grow in many areas. Singles should learn to enjoy themselves and enjoy their own company. They may surprise themselves!”

I’ll add to Toni’s comment by including what I’ve believed and stated for the 26 years I’ve been writing articles for singles 50+:

“Being single isn’t so bad. In fact, it can be pretty darn good. However, don’t forget to dance. Pick yourself up and get out there.”

Happy New Year!

A tribute to New Zealand and those loved ones we’ve lost in 2019

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – December 20, 2019

By Columnist Tom Blake

A tribute to New Zealand and those loved ones we’ve lost in 2019

My 2019 Holidays eNewsletter is a tribute to people who were important to Champs, who passed away this year. Two world events in the last week triggered this thought. Both are coincidentally related to New Zealand.

Why this unusual topic? The idea came to me this week while Stand-Up Paddle Boarding in Dana Point Harbor. I was paddling with my usual paddling buddy, Russell Kerr, a native of New Zealand. Russell and his wife, Pam, have dual New Zealand/USA citizenship. He and I talk about events of the world whenever we are on the water together.

The first event Russell reflected upon was the White Island volcano eruption off the coast of New Zealand on December 9, in which 18 people perished.

I couldn’t help but think of the friends and relatives of those who died that have been affected by this tragic event.

And the second world event that Russell and I discussed occurred on December 12, with the passing away of Peter Snell, New Zealand’s greatest athlete ever, a middle-distance runner, who would have been 81 on December 17.

Why did Snell’s passing affect me?

In the summer of 1960, I traveled in Europe with four friends. We spent several days at the Rome 1960 summer Olympic games. On Friday, September 2, 1960, we watched in Olympic Stadium Peter Snell win the 800 meters run in track. It was the first time in 24 years a New Zealand runner had won an Olympic track and field gold medal.

I was a college cross country runner at the time and admired the grit Snell had shown in that race. Snell broke five world track records in his career. In the 1964 Olympics, he won both the 800 meters and the 1500 events.

Fast forward to 2011, when my partner Greta and I were on a cruise around New Zealand’s North and South Islands. One of the ports where the ship docked was Wellington, located at the southern tip of the North Island.

On our way back to the ship after a fun sightseeing day, we popped into a shop called the Olympic Games Museum. I was curious to see if Peter Snell was featured there. Did anyone in New Zealand even remember Peter Snell?

Inside, there was a pair of worn-out track shoes on a podium under glass. I asked a man working there if they were Peter Snell’s shoes. (They weren’t).

The man judged from my accent that I was from the United States. “Why is an American interested in Peter Snell?” he asked. I told him about being in Rome and seeing Snell win the gold. I mentioned I had admired Snell ever since.

The man’s name was Terry Daly, the Commercial and Marketing Director for the New Zealand Olympic Committee. He gave me an official New Zealand Olympic team lapel pin and told me he wanted to give me something else, but it was in his office in Auckland. I told him our ship would be there in two days. He gave me his card and asked me to come by.

After sightseeing in Auckland, Greta reminded me that we needed to go to Terry Daly’s office.

Terry gave us an Olympic team jersey autographed by the great Peter Snell. I was incredibly moved and honored.

Snell’s jersey hung on the sports wall of fame at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, my Dana Point deli, from 2011 until I sold the deli, in 2015. Since then, it’s been on the wall in our garage.

When Peter Snell passed away this week, I went to my garage and took down the framed jersey to photograph it. I felt a heart-string tug.

Authentic autographed Peter Snell track jersey

I took several minutes to ponder Peter Snell’s life, and how humble he was, and my life, and how fortunate I was to have seen him run, although I never met him. But my brother Bill did. Snell became a dentist in Dallas, where my brother lives. Their paths crossed one time. Snell passed away in Dallas.

So, to Peter Snell, and the people lost in that tragic White Island volcano, and my Dana Point deli customer, Vern McGarry, and my high school buddy Champ Carm, whose sweetheart Karen Jenkins passed away this year, and all the others, who have passed this year, or in all years, in fact, thank you for being in my life and/or the lives of our Champs.

Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. May 2020 be a good year for all of us.

Older women dating older men

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Older women dating younger men is a hot-potato topic

by columnist Tom Blake

Champ Jackie “from Georgia” has paid her relationship dues. She was divorced after 42 years of marriage. Five years later, she attended her 50^th high school reunion in Michigan.

At the reunion, she met her classmate Randy and married him a year later. Just two months after they married, Randy was diagnosed with cancer. For the next five months, until he passed, Jackie was Randy’s caregiver. I met this very delightful woman and her sister at a Dana Point, California, Meet and Greet in May, 2019.

Responding to last week’s eNewsletter, she wrote: “My question: ‘Does age matter when it comes to women being older than men? After my dedication to Randy, I don’t think I could willingly do it again. At my ‘young age’ of 72, I’d want someone younger”

I will tackle Jackie’s question, with this disclaimer: It’s a hot-potato topic because there are so many different points of view on older women dating younger men.

In the past, when I have written on this older dating younger subject, I’ve been dragged over the coals by young women, older men, older women, bitter men, bitter women, religious zealots, breadcrumbed victims, and people who enjoy, even relish, controversy.

Inevitably, no discussion about older women dating younger men would be complete without mentioning the dating term “cougar,” a label or term of which the origin is unclear. It’s thought possibly to have come from a Canadian dating website.

I don’t particularly like the term, but then, I don’t like a lot of the terms that have labeled senior dating. Heck, we seniors are just trying to muddle through and enjoy life the best we can; why do we need so many labels to describe us? I guess the term “cougar” is okay, but I find it to be a bit demeaning.

If older women want to date younger men, what the heck is wrong with that? Let’s just label them normal instead.

The epitome of cougarhood (another new term) was Mrs. Robinson, in the Dustin Hoffman movie, “The Graduate.” Of course, she was a married woman, which made the relationship uncool.

Okay, with “cougar” out of the way, let’s continue.

Jackie is not the only widow who feels she doesn’t want to experience widowhood again.

About three years ago, I fixed up (remember, I’m not a matchmaker) a widow, age 60, with a friend who I guessed was about 70. They were both ocean-orientated buffs, so I thought it was a good similar-interests match. She an outrigger paddler, he a boat skipper.

I saw them enjoying a beverage together shortly thereafter at a gin mill. At that time, I thought to myself, “bingo,” a good introduction.

Nope, she told me a couple of days later that she found out he was 75–not 70–and she didn’t want to take the chance of becoming a widow again. So, it’s not just Jackie who is avoiding dating men her age and older, hoping to avoid being “Widowed” again.

Even if older women do date younger men, that doesn’t mean they won’t be widowed. In all relationships that go the distance in life, one of the partners is likely to die first, unless something happens when they are both together and they pass simultaneously.

I accessed the archives of articles I’ve written about older women dating younger men on my Finding Love After 50.com website. Here are a few of the important points from past eNewsletters:

I wrote, “A surprising trend surfaced. Several women said they are attracting considerably younger men.”

Ann responded to that, “I’m 72, and for some unknown reason, I attract younger men. I’m asked out on dates and have received two flower arrangements from younger men in the past two weeks. I try not to be involved at my age because of the great chance of making a mess of my life.”

Ann also said the reason she doesn’t date men older than she: “If I were to date my age, 72-82, I’d be taking my life into my own hands every time they drive. Some of them can’t drive at night but they have two-three drinks. Sorry, I like my life but don’t want to end up dead or in a wheelchair.”

In another older women dating younger men article, Brenda said, “I recently dated a guy eight-years-younger. He treated me better than any man ever has. I’m not sure what happened but it ended suddenly after just six months of seeing each other.

Note from Tom: This is one of the things that can happen when older people date younger people. The younger one fades away. Maybe even does ghosting. So, that’s another consequence that one should be aware of before dating someone younger.

What is a significant age difference?

A key question: what is a significant age difference? Five years, 10, 15, 20, 25+, who’s to say? If a woman is dating a man 25-years younger, chances are, he’s going to become a widower, so he needs to accept that possibility.

If there is a significant age difference, each partner would be wise to understand his or her own motivations for being in the relationship, and the partner’s motivations.

Understanding those motivations, what the heck is wrong with being in a significant age-difference relationship?

Be aware, there will be challenges. If there are children on either side, that may muddy the water. And there could be negative stigmas from the general public. Imagine someone saying, when she sees you in a restaurant, “Hi Ellen, I didn’t know you had a grandson.”

Bottom line: Everybody’s different. There’s no right or wrong. Enjoy your life while you can. It’s nobody else’s business except the two people involved. So, go for it, Jackie.

Link to Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C1BCAgu2I8

Divorced man’s view on dating after 60

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 29, 2019

Divorced man’s view on dating at after 60

by columnist Tom Blake

Note from Tom: I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. I was thinking of taking a break this week from writing an eNewsletter and then I thought, why? Especially, when I have a nice story about a man who just became a Champ (an eNewsletter subscriber) and how he views the dating scene.

Women often state they seldom read about single guys and their dating dramas, so I decided to share one with you on the day after Thanksgiving.

A divorced man’s view on dating at 62

As a senior dating columnist, my job is never boring.

Danny, a new Tom Blake’s Champ (eNewsletter subscriber), emailed, “I enjoy reading your column in the Dana Point Times. Online dating, while better than walking into a bar cold, is frustrating indeed. I’m sure many women feel the same way.

“I’m 62, divorced five years, with three grown sons. I’m active, healthy, gainfully employed and live locally. I’ve tried Match.com, Our Time, Plenty of Fish; they are all the same.

“Having been online for a while, I am picky and not willing to settle. If it feels right, I’m in. If it doesn’t, I’m like, “Check please!”

“A lot of one-and-done meet ups. Met one woman that seemingly had high potential. After several months, it fizzled out.

“I want to attend your monthly Meet and Greets in Dana Point. Sounds like you need more men, so the odds sound good! When is the next one?

(Thursday, December 12, 5 to 7 p.m. Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, no admission cost, free appetizers, beer and wine $5)

“Attached is my online dating profile summary, and a recent picture.”

Champ Danny
I viewed Danny’s picture and profile. I selected a few items from his profile to illustrate what this senior single man says he has to offer and what he hopes for in a relationship.

He wrote, “I’m seeking a long-term relationship with a special woman. I’m a romantic optimist and believe in love and passion and treating a woman with respect and kindness–while being a chivalrous gentleman. Believe in going slow and let the relationship develop on its own.

“If the chemistry is there, great things will happen naturally, and it will be wonderful! I subscribe to honesty, trust, good character, faithfulness, and sincerity.

“I enjoy a healthy dose of Irish humor. Like to laugh and have fun. Not into drama and endless dating with no future.

“Enjoy cooking and a nice glass of wine. I’m emotionally available and ready to build a meaningful relationship.”

I responded to Danny, “Your profile is impressive. Being a gentleman and emotionally available are so important.

“A handsome man your age shouldn’t have to rely on Internet dating to meet someone. There are hundreds of single, available, desirable age 60-plus women in south Orange County.

“At our November Meet and Greet, widowers, widows and divorced men and women attended. One lovely woman from San Clemente was asked by two different men if they could walk her to her car. She handled the two offers graciously.

“May I write about you in the Dana Point Times, San Clemente Times and The Capistrano Dispatch?”

Danny responded: “BREAKING NEWS: The ex-girlfriend I met on Match.com just texted me and wants to meet. I’m not sure what her intentions are, or where meeting her might go. If things were to take off with her again, the last thing I need is my dating profile in the three newspapers you write for.

I responded, “OK, we’ll wait.” And then immediately I sent him a copy of the “breadcrumbed” eNewsletter from two weeks ago. And then I sent the follow up article with the 20 comments from Champs about the breadcrumbed article.

Two days later, Danny wrote: “I picked her up at the airport last night. We had dinner talking about mostly meaningless stuff. She isn’t sure she even wants to date right now.

“Today, I expected a text from her saying thanks for the ride home from the airport, dinner and drinks, but there was no text from her. Nothing. The silence was deafening. So, it’s okay to run my story.”

Did Danny feel he’d been breadcrumbed? I think so, and from the information I had received, I think he was.

For women in Southern California, to meet Danny and other fine gentlemen, attend the December 12, Meet and Greet at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, in Dana Point, California.

Or, to contact Danny, email me at tompblake@gmail.com; I will forward it to him. Remember, he’s in So Cal and most likely isn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. So, if you live in Bangor, Port St. Lucie, Fargo, or Victoria B.C., or other faraway places, I wouldn’t contact him. That’s just my opinion.

Writing about senior dating is never dull.

Why I’m not a matchmaker

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 25, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Why I’m not a matchmaker and don’t fix up senior singles

I’m a newspaper columnist and an eNewsletter writer. My usual topic: people age 50-plus seeking love. For 26 years, I’ve written about hundreds of seniors who’ve found love, and thousands who haven’t.

Knowing I have contact with so many older singles, people ask why I am not a senior matchmaker and why I don’t fix singles up. There’s an easy reason: it’s too darn hard and seldom works. The effort usually isn’t appreciated.

It’s not that I haven’t tried; I’ve done it dozens of times. I’ve known widowers from San Clemente, California (for example), and widows from San Clemente and have suggested they get together. Some have, but in most cases, no match was made. And then, the people get mad at me for wasting their time, even though my time was free. It’s a no-win situation. In a nutshell, that’s why I’m not a matchmaker.

Granted, some couples have met at our Meet and Greet get-togethers at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, the Dana Point, California, restaurant I founded and owned for 25 years. But I didn’t fix those couples up. They did it themselves by getting off their couches and out of their homes and coming and socializing.

Technically, I did not introduce them. But, Carolyn and Alex Rentziperis met at our first Meet and Greet 3-4 years ago. And it led to a marriage. He’s been my barber for 25+ years. (Photo by Tom)

Many couples who met there are still together. But not all. Some of the relationships have lasted for a month or so, while others resulted in marriage.

Sponsoring events like that is challenging. Why? There are always more single women than men, especially as we age. Often, by five or six-to-one. I’ve watched women walk in the door, see a limited number of men, and turn around and walk out. Their loss. Sometimes men arrive late.

It takes time and effort to put those no-cost events on.

Last week, a Dana Point woman emailed: “Maybe you should have Meet and Greets more often so seniors have a place to go and socialize instead of staying home. I know you are busy so maybe you can have someone else take charge. Just a suggestion.”

She’s never attended one of our events; she has no clue what’s involved. My answer to her: “More often? It’s difficult enough having one per month, just trying to round up enough men to make it interesting. More often than that? No thanks.” She read that response and unsubscribed–must not have been what she wanted to hear.

Nearly every day, an email arrives in my inbox promoting new dating sites. This week, one arrived with the subject line: “An Easier Dating Site For Men Ages 50+.”

I usually ignore those emails, but, was curious so I clicked on it. It showed a picture of an attractive woman with this caption: “Local matchmaker has more older women & needs more men to match with female clients.”

I said to myself: “What’s new?”

The opening line read, “Meet Successful Dana Point Singles.” Turns out, it’s not an online dating site, but a matchmaking site, the kind where you pay a professional matchmaker to find dates for you.

The site stated, “Professional Matchmakers work with you to determine the exact type of man or woman that would be best for you, and then do their best to find that person and introduce you.”

“Do their best?” Wow, matchmakers are only as good as the people they have in their stables. Let me tell you, they are aware of the lack of men. I have had many of them contact me saying they were having an introductory cocktail party, and did I know of any men they could invite? No joke, it’s true.

It’s Just Lunch is a matchmaking service and on occasion has contacted me asking for the names of men. I decline, of course.

The ballpark cost for hiring a matchmaker? The article stated between $675 to $25,000. At those prices, maybe I should become a matchmaker. Or, at least a paid fixer-upper.

The site also stated: “Matchmaking is by its nature, a local endeavor. That means local offices staffed by warm, experienced, real people – not algorithms.”

Maybe the office is in Dana Point, or San Clemente, or San Juan Capistrano, the cities near me, but if so, I’m unaware of it. Avoid professional matchmakers. Read the online reviews; they are frightening. People feel ripped off.

So, I’ll remain a columnist, and your weekly eNewsletter provider, and leave the matchmaking to – well, the professional matchmakers, wherever and whomever they are.

Senior Online Dating – Plenty of Fish

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 18, 2019

Part One -Senior Online Dating – Plenty of Fish – The good and the ugly

by Columnist Tom Blake

The Good about Plenty of Fish

Champ Cheryl, “I just read the 10 responses to the Brooklyn widow who has given up on dating. I thought all the responses/suggestions were valuable, especially Ginny’s.

I’ve written you previously about the success that my partner, Matt, and I had with online dating and just wanted to comment briefly again. It continues to surprise me that so many seniors report being unsuccessful and/or intimidated, that is, afraid of online dating.

“It seemed the main thread running through the 10 comments was the idea that you have to ‘put yourself out there’ in order to be successful finding a partner, and that is certainly true of online dating.

“It’s also true that to be successful, one must be willing to be open and honest about oneself and what he or she wants in a relationship.

“I found when I approached online dating it was important for me to actively think/decide what qualities were important/crucial to me in looking for a partner.

“And during the process of exploring online dating, I also was able to ‘fine-tune’ what my essential needs were and what issues were not as important. That’s not to say that it’s ok to be really ‘picky’–that doesn’t work either.

“Is it important that his favorite color is red and mine is blue? Of course not. The structure of the online dating site is really important. Matt and I met on OK Cupid, where there were literally thousands of questions that could be answered, covering every imaginable subject with the ability to add comments to every answer.

“By the time Matt and I started communicating, he had answered over 400 questions and I had answered over 600, and both of us had added comments to nearly all our answers.

“We both were honest with our answers and willing to answer some questions that might be considered intimate or personal, especially about sex.

“With online dating one must be brave, open, and honest. If you are, online dating can work.

“Getting involved with local activities can work as well, I’m sure, but sometimes there are either limited opportunities (I was living in a rural area of Ohio; Matt was in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan—600 miles away) or maybe all the opportunities have been explored without success.

“Yes, there are scammers online, but one can be deceived by someone locally as well, and when you meet someone locally, you have no idea initially who he or she truly is, unless someone you know, knows them. There are risks meeting someone locally as well as with online dating.

“Again, I would encourage seniors to get involved with online dating but with a site that provides ample opportunities to get to know someone very well before meeting in person. And there is always the option of doing background checks, which I did a couple of times.

“Matt and I are a wonderful match and found love with each other, which neither of us would have found without online dating.

“I like the comment Champ Jim made last week: Sometimes you have to ‘make your own luck.’ Very true!”

Obviously, Cheryl and Matt put a great deal of effort into meeting each other online. And that’s what successful senior dating—online and otherwise–usually requires. A willingness to put forth an effort. It can take time, money, patience, and a bit of luck.

For some seniors, online dating may be the only option remaining to meet a potential mate. It can work. There are endless success stories, such as Cheryl’s and Matt’s.

However, there can be an ugly side to online dating. Here’s an example:

An Ugly POF story

A Champ wrote: “I’ve been on POF for over 10 years. Here is my POF encounter, 10 days duration, Oct 4-14, in a chopped, quickie, writing format:

“UBER driver, 70, who lives nearby, was from a town near where I’m from back East.
favorite saying, “anyhowzers”
talked 100 mph non-stop, wound too tight
invited him to a dance
went to his friend’s party
went to pool 2 times
did “Taco Tuesday”
Went to a Halloween party, he brought his own bourbon and drank it ALL! (hic)
expected me do drive then; I could not as I had forgotten my glasses
danced at a nearby bar to 70s oldies
he played grab-ass with me on the dance floor!
Went to city to see art galleries,
he only put 24 minutes on meter to walk around, had to rush back to meter to put more $ in (duh)
Drove past galleries, straight to another bar, another beer.

I don’t drink anything except sparkling water at a bar
He ordered one snack plate and split it with me! (cheap, cheap, cheap)
Told me off on way home
End of POF encounter.”

Comments from Tom

Online dating isn’t for all seniors. Plus, there are potential downsides, as described above, to senior online dating: fake profiles, fake sites, romance scammers lurking, trying to take advantage of vulnerable, lonely, people and their emotions. And, there are endless other issues.

Before you sign up for any site, read what the one-star and two-star reviewers write. Even reviews can be bogus. Use only established regular dating sites such as OK Cupid, Our Time, Match, Eharmony, to name just a few. People use these sites for seeking friendship, a pen pal, or a long-term relationship.

Avoid what are known as “Hook up” sites. “Hook up sites” are pretty much for sex only,

Other places to meet men

A suggestion from an animal lover: Get a dog. Besides the health benefits of exercise when walking your dog, you meet other neighborhood dog-lovers. Even better, get an unusual looking dog. That may bring other people over to talk to you. Take your dog to a dog park.

Champ Mark added, “About an hour after reading last week’s column, Donna and I had breakfast at the Strawberry Farms golf course in Irvine. Seated on the patio in front of the driving range, I couldn’t help but notice the ratio of men-to-women was about 25-1.”

Add golf driving ranges as places where more men than woman can be found.

Widow Happy in Brooklyn not dating

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter – October 4, 2019

by Columnist Tom Blake

Widow Happy in Brooklyn not dating

Champ Michele wrote, “I enjoy reading the On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter on dating, but I don’t participate much because I live in Brooklyn, NY. I have been widowed for 18 years (at age 49) and still miss my husband. I tried online dating but almost got scammed my first time. The few people that contacted me were beyond bizarre. I gave up on that.

“I have been to some dances, but the men seemed to ask the women to dance who were dressed very provocatively and that’s not me. I would leave the dances saying what is wrong with me. It was depressing. No one seems to know anyone. So, I gave up on that.

“Most single functions end up with the women far outnumbering the men. So, if a man, by some remote chance, asks you to dance, he acts like you should be so grateful that he chose you to ask over these other women. It’s like a meat market.

“I enjoy being with my friends and going on vacation. My attitude is, as my mom used to say, ‘If it’s meant to be it will be.’”

My answer to Michele

I’ve been writing about age 50-plus dating for 26 years, since 1994. My first few years’ articles focused on the challenges of dating later in life for both men and women. At that time, the ratio of single women to single men in their early 50s was approximately one-to-one.

As the years passed, that ratio slowly changed. More and more women contacted me, asking “Where are the men?” The single women to single men ratio drew closer to two-to-one for mid-60s people.

Men rarely wrote me. Either they had found somebody or became too inactive to participate in the dating game. Some men, me included, were still looking for a mate.

Some women said the ratio gap was even larger because many single senior men aren’t relationship material. I could see that finding a potential mate was becoming more difficult for women because fewer desirable men were available. But, good guys were and are still out there.

I remember the Dr. Ruth Westheimer response to a woman at an AARP convention who asked her, “Where are the men?” Dr. Ruth said, “The ratio is a fact of life. But, if you have a nice appearance and a positive attitude, and are willing to get out and socialize, you can effectively shrink that ratio.”

And then another phenomenon happened: A thing called the Internet emerged and online dating got its wake-up call. Women were drawn to it because they could reach out beyond their city and local boundaries to find men. A Brooklyn woman, such as Michele, could reach out to all the boroughs of New York City, which are nearby. Potential mates could meet without driving, by using the subways.

My partner Greta walking the Brooklyn Bridge, from the Manhattan side

It didn’t take long for senior romance scammers to figure out that lots of women online were lonely and vulnerable, especially widows. The romance scammers saw a fertile environment in which to rip off women.

Granted, lots of couples were formed as a result of the Internet but senior romance scams also bloomed. We try to educate the women about the scams.

Now, we find ourselves in our 60s, 70s, 80s and even 90s. That ratio has reached almost four-to-one by age 75. Women, such as Michele, share their stories of the lack of men at singles functions. Greta and I see it at our monthly Meet and Greet gatherings in Dana Point.

Saturday night, Greta and I were at the Greek Festival in nearby San Juan Capistrano. One of our woman Champs saw us and introduced herself. She even made the comment about the lack of single men at singles events. I found myself trying to explain the shortage of men to her, as I am to Michele today.

So, what can I say to Michele, who is “Happy in Brooklyn” spending time with her friends and traveling. She has given up on internet dating, singles dances, and singles functions. She is accepting her mom’s advice: “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Michele, I say, don’t give up on Senior Romance, keep your eyes open for opportunities to meet a potential mate.

Be assertive, not aggressive. By that I mean if you see a man when you are out and about, and he appeals to you (age close to yours, no wedding ring, no soup on his shirt, combed hair, no odor, no spinach in his teeth), make a friendly comment, such as: “Nice jacket, nice car, nice dog, what’s the dog’s name? Where do you buy your spinach?”

Or, if you see him in the food mart, say: “Is this a good wine?” or, “Is this watermelon ripe?”

In the Post office, “Boy, these lines are long?”

On a cruise ship: “Where’s the dining room?”

At the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles): “How many hours have you been here?”

Anything spontaneous. He may be hoping to meet someone but he’s shy. Be ready to pop the question: “Want to have coffee?” Be ready to pay for the coffee (his and yours). If he’s worth his salt, he’ll offer at the least to go Dutch. Better yet, he’ll offer to pay the tab. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, at least smile and/or even wink. Have a positive attitude.

That’s where we are now, 26 years later.

I hope Michele doesn’t give up on Internet dating but if she does, I understand. Traveling by subway to meet blind dates would be scary now. But local New Yorkers could travel by subway to Brooklyn to see her. As I recall Brooklyn Heights has some nice cafes

There are so many Internet dating sites online I can’t believe it. Everyday, there is a new advertisement in my email inbox. I can’t imagine the ratios are any better on those sites when compared to singles functions.

Continue to get out and enjoy life and your women friends as best you can. But above all, don’t give up on Senior Romance. You are still a young pup and deserve happiness.