| On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 27, 2020 by Columnist Thomas P Blake Opportunity often arises from adversity Millions of people worldwide have experienced unthinkable and unavoidable adversity in the year 2020. Of course, Covid-19 is the biggest factor, but natural disasters such as fires, smoke, hurricanes, and flooding have added to the adversity. Adversity leads to opportunity. People have lost their loved ones, jobs, homes, and social interaction with friends—the list goes on and on. For the most part, adversity has hit seniors the hardest. The death toll is highest among the senior population. However, there is a flicker of hope on the horizon. The vaccines developed so far have been touted to be 90-plus percent effective. Once this adversity is behind us, opportunities will start to arise for individuals. Jobs will become available. In-person family visits will resume. Senior singles will meet dates face-to-face. I’m not trying to paint a rosy or idealistic picture about what has happened to us all in 2020—it’s been a terrible year. In 1994, I learned a valuable lesson about how an opportunity can arise from adversity. On Christmas 1993, I was visiting my 82-year-old mom in Northern California. I didn’t know at that time that my life was about to change dramatically. Adversity was already underway; I just didn’t know about it. The morning after Christmas, my wife of six years telephoned me at Mom’s to say she had moved out. (She didn’t mention that she had taken what furniture and belongings she wanted). All I could say was, “Where are you living?” “Doesn’t matter,” she replied. And then she said, “Gotta go,” and hung up. I packed my bag and got in the car. I was so surprised and shocked that I started jotting some notes on a pad of paper during the 500-mile drive home. Soon, those notes were transferred to a journal I started writing, attempting to gather my thoughts, figure out what had happened, and plan for the future. Three months later, I was served with divorce papers in front of employees and customers at my deli. Of course, that event was described in the journal.  Making a 30-foot deli sub was more fun than receiving divorce papers at the same deli I started to date, thinking mid-life dating would be easy. It wasn’t. I described in detail the dating frustrations and failures in my journal. After five months, the journal had grown to more than 100 pages. I converted it into a short story. I naively queried Playboy, Esquire and the New York Times, thinking those media giants might be interested in a story about a divorced man’s dating woes. They weren’t. Eventually, two women editors of the Dana Point News newspaper agreed to review my material. On July 7, 1994, just six months after my wife’s move-out, my first column was published. I realized that my writing opportunity had grown out of the adversity. I certainly didn’t expect the opportunity would last for 26 years. In June 1998, I met Greta, who had experienced adversity as well. She was a single mom, who had raised four kids. She created her own opportunity by becoming a special education teacher and being such a positive force in her student’s lives. Hopefully, after Covid-19, all of us will be able to get out and about. Seeds of opportunity will pop up here and there. For whom? In what format? When? No one can say. Some Champs have already shared their new-found opportunities with us. In the October 30 eNewsletter, seven Champs were featured with the opportunities they are working on during Covid-19. Wendy Green is a new Champ. She is a single mom who raised two children. Wendy has bounced back from adversity more than once in her life. She reached out to me by finding my articles on the Dana Point Times website. Wendy said, “In March 2020, I was laid off from my job because of Covid. I knew I still had a lot to give, and there were a lot of people from my generation experiencing a sense of loss and in need of inspiration. That is when I decided to start the Hey, Boomer broadcasts. (those broadcasts are scheduled for most Mondays, at 1 p.m. Eastern Time.)” Wendy’s website, http://www.heyboomer.biz also features her weekly blogs. I encourage Champs to sign up and read her sage advice and comments. As we emerge from this unthinkable adversity-filled year, it will be up to us as individuals to recognize our seeds of opportunity and make the best of them, although we may not realize or understand them until months or years later. And as always, I hope you will share them with me and subsequently, all Champs. |
Category: columnist Thomas P Blake
Small world: Remembering a Johnny Cash concert 25 years ago
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – October 23, 2020
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
Small world: Johnny Cash concert 25 years ago
In early September, our next-door neighbors in Monarch Beach-Jake and Kresta Racker- invited Greta and me and our across-the-street neighbors, Alex and Colleen Torres, for a socially distanced happy hour in the Racker’s backyard. It was a spur-of-the-moment pleasant break for all of us after being isolated from people for months.
The Rackers, along with their son, Ethan—moved in nearly five years ago. They are ideal neighbors, friendly, fun, and considerate—but we had never socialized.
The happy hour conversation turned to Johnny Cash. Whenever the subject of Johnny Cash comes up, I always add my two-cents worth, having worked with Johnny for two years in the 1970s. I also co-produced an album with him.
Destination Victoria Station record album of Johnny Cash train songs
Jake said he saw Johnny Cash in concert only once. Jake remembered that he and his buddy Quinn from Utah saw Johnny perform at the House of Blues on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles in the mid-1990s.
I had a vague recollection of seeing Johnny perform at the House of Blues but I wasn’t sure when it was.
After the happy hour gathering, I didn’t think much more about when I had seen Johnny at the House of Blues, until last Friday (October 16,2020), when Jake sent me a text.
His text included a picture of a ticket stub from the February 25, 1996, Johnny Cash House of Blues appearance, which his buddy Quinn had found in a drawer and sent to him. Jake had told Quinn about our Johnny Cash happy hour discussion.
I started to wonder: had I been at that same show? If I had, I probably would have written about it. At that time, I had been a newspaper columnist for less than two years, writing about “Middle Aged and Dating Again” for community newspapers owned by The Orange County Register, including the Dana Point News.
I had boxes of old columns in the garage. I found a manilla envelope from 1996. I started leafing through the articles and was thrilled to find the 89th column I had written, dated March 14, 1996, titled, “Dream of a date includes an evening enjoying the music of Johnny Cash.”
(Today’s column is number 4,143—give or take a hundred).
So, I had been to the same concert that Jake and Quinn had been to nearly a quarter-century before. The article stated that it was the 31st Johnny Cash concert I had attended.
The article also stated: “This was a special night for Johnny. At midnight, he turned 64. Earlier in the day, he and his wife became grandparents together for the first time.”
And this: Johnny mentioned at the start of the show, “Later, we’ve got a surprise for you.” The surprise: “Tom Petty and two members of the Heartbreakers joined Johnny. That’s like putting a supercharger on an old Chevy.”
I printed out a copy of the article and placed it on Jake’s front-door mat. He emailed a copy to Quinn in Utah. An hour later, Jake stopped by and said the article helped him and Quinn “fill in the details” they had forgotten about the concert. Facts such as The Freewheelers were the opening band and the Red Hot Chili Peppers were also there.
The Racker family has lived next door for five years. It took Jake and me that long to discover we both enjoyed the same special night at the House of Blues 24 years before.
Jake and Kresta framed the copy of the article I gave them along with the ticket stub and presented it to Greta and me as a remembrance.
Framed article from March 14, 1996 with concert ticket stub – now on our living room wall
The world is indeed small–even in the neighbors’ backyard.
Finally getting to meet Willie Nelson (well, sort of)
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter October 2, 2020
By Columnist Thomas P Blake
Finally getting to meet Willie Nelson (well, sort of)
Two weeks ago, I mentioned that Greta and I would be attending an outdoor drive-in-movie-style concert in Irvine, California on September 25.
It was to see “True Willie,” the most authentic Willie Nelson tribute band in the world. I had never met the real Willie in person although I tried a few times at concerts.
My Stand Up Paddle Boarding buddy Russell Kerr and his wife Pam know True Willie. Russell said, “My friend Roger Hegyi has a band called ‘True Willie.’
I recalled Greta and I seeing True Willie perform four years ago at an outdoor concert at the Mission San Juan Capistrano. They were fabulous. We were amazed how much Roger looked like, and sounded like, the real Willie Nelson.
Russell had said two weeks ago, “True Willie is playing at a unique outdoor concert on September 25 at the Great Park in Irvine.”
“During this pandemic?” I said.
Russell stated, “It’s a drive-in-movie type of concert. You sit in your car or in socially distanced lawn chairs next to your car. My wife Pam and I are going.
“Why don’t you and Greta come and park next to us? I can introduce you to Roger after the show. He’s not Willie Nelson, but he’s the closest thing to Willie you’ll ever meet.”
“How do you know him?”
“Pam worked with Roger’s wife, Diane, at Aegis Assisted Living on Niguel Road, a few years back.”
Greta and I bought a car ticket in advance; the cost was only $30. We followed the Kerr’s car. To ensure we could park near the stage, we got to the Great Park an hour before the show. We were cars number four and five, respectively, in line.
Our cars were parked 20 feet apart in row two, with a clear view to the stage. We sat outside the cars in lawn chairs. It was a great concert. After each song, the audience would honk their car horns in appreciation. True Willie liked that.
The band played about 20 songs including three of my favorites: “Pancho and Lefty,” “Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground,” and “Seven Spanish Angels.”
True Willie and the Boys Irvine California September 25 2020
And yes, after the concert, Russell led us to the front of the stage. He said he had mentioned to True Willie that Greta and I would be there. When True Willie saw us with Russell, he yelled out, “Hello Tom, hello Greta.” Pretty cool for a guy we’d never met. But it was getting dark and lots of people wanted to say hello also.
I handed Roger an autographed copy of my book, “Prime Rib & Boxcars. Whatever Happened to Victoria Station?” The front cover features a 1976 picture of Johnny Cash and me together in front of the Victoria Station restaurant in Newport Beach. I thought Roger would get a quick out of it.
https://www.findingloveafter50.com/tomblakebookstore
Russell said, “We’ll meet Roger next week when we have time to talk.”
On Wednesday, Roger, Russell, and I met at the Coffee Importers in Dana Point Harbor.
I asked Roger: “How long have you been a musician and when and why did you become a Willie Nelson tribute band?”
Roger said, “I’ve been 50 years in the music business. Nine years ago, my family and I were attending a concert at the Greek Theater in L.A. There was a huge photo of Willie on the side of the building promoting an upcoming Willie Nelson concert.
“My daughter looked at me, and then at Willie, and said, “Dad, you are Willie. And I now am.”
Roger added, “I don’t do it for the money; I do it to make a difference and share the music of an icon.”
Over a cup of coffee, I was finally able to tell Willie Nelson (well, sort of) how much Johnny Cash thought of him. It took me 45 years to pull that off.
He handed me an autographed cd of 11 of his songs.
If Dana Point can bring back the outdoor concerts in Sea Terrace Park next summer (canceled this year due to the pandemic), maybe “True Willie and the Boys” will be invited to perform.
Here is True Willie’s website. http://www.trueWillie.com
P.S. this comment was added a week later. Meeting True Willie inspired me to call my long-time friend, Lou Robin, Johnny Cash’s manager from 1972 until Johnny passed away. Since then, Lou has done estate work for the Cash family. Lou in his career produced over 5,000 concerts, many of those for Johnny Cash. I worked with Lou 45 years ago; we remain great friends.
The Canadian pronghorn antelope
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – August 7, 2020
by columnist Tom P Blake
The Canadian pronghorn antelope
An exasperated male Champ has raised his arms in frustration. Martin emailed this week: “What is the answer to all this lack of love between the sexes? I am 76, a healthy male. I find women around my age so independent these days they are more interested in their dogs or pets than a good loving intimate relationship.
“I have found most dating sites a waste of time with most women just playing a game and not at all serious about finding a good man.
“Have all women lost their hormones? Trying to make love more than once a week is almost impossible in a lot of relationships–mine included. A big problem is a difference in libido! Don’t women realize how healthy sex is for the human body? What happened to Senior sex?
“I compare this dating game to my hobby of keeping chickens. When I let them out of the barn in the morning, my rooster tries to chase and mount some of his harem but with great difficulty.
“The hens don’t want him but he catches them. Are the hens playing a game also? It’s a wonder I ever get any fertile eggs being laid. Two hens seem to like him and roost next to him on the perch at night.”
The email was signed: “Yours, a frustrated human rooster, Martin.”
Nearly at a loss for words, I wrote to Martin: “Dear Frustrated Human Rooster. May I print what you wrote?”
Martin said, “Yes. I am a Canadian living in Marmora, Ontario. I was in a love affair for over 10 years. The relationship kept getting worse.
“We were opposites, but initially the sex was good. I felt she had some hang-ups; she worked less and less at keeping the relationship together.
“Now with COVID-19 she has said, ‘That’s it,’ ‘goodbye,’ and bought a $2000 dog for company.”
I answered: “Your words, a $2,000 dog for company remind me of my first-ever newspaper column, written July 7, 1994, titled, “Home Alone with only dogs for company.” That column was written six months after my wife, without warning, cleaned out the house on Christmas Eve 1993 and moved out of my life. I was away visiting my 83-year-old mom in Northern California.
“The gist of that column wasn’t about wondering if women had lost their interest in sex, rather, it was whether they had lost their interest in dating altogether. I couldn’t get anybody to go out with me.
“Similar to what your girlfriend said to you, “That’s it,” my wife also had done the same.
“I didn’t have to buy a $2,000 dog, I already had two dogs at home. Besides thoughtfully leaving them for me, my wife left four other items: a TV, bed, couch and a cassette player. That’s it: six items.
“I think the answer for you might be: “She’s just not that into you,” a take-off from the popular, ‘He’s just not that into you,’ book from the 2004-2005 era.
“In the 1970s, when I was single and working for the Victoria Station restaurant chain, one of the founders, Bob Freeman, liked to jerk my chain. He called me “a pronghorn antelope,” describing his perception of my dating modus operandi (pronghorns, by the way, aren’t antelopes; they are classified as mammals. They are the fastest land animal in North America, 60 miles per hour).
Pronghorn antelopes (photo courtesy San Diego Zoo)
Bottom line: 42-years later, undoubtedly, some men are still pronghorn antelopes. But Marty, since, you are north of the border, we’ll call you “The Canadian pronghorn antelope.”
“Cool your jets. Take a deep breath. Tend to your chickens. Becoming single later in life is a bear. Although you may not see it at the current time, someone more compatible with you could enter your life, when you least expect it.
“Who knows? Maybe one of our woman Champs, who lives near Ontario, will ask to correspond with you.“If that happens, put your libido in the Canadian deep freeze, at least until the spring thaw.” Senior sex can wait.
Scams target seniors during COVID-19
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – March 27, 2020
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
Scams target seniors during the COVID-19 crisis
As always happens during challenging times when the public is concerned and confused, and therefore vulnerable–as we are now amidst this COVID-19 crisis–scammers come out of the woodwork to try to steal our money. Be aware. Trust your instincts.
One example: a text comes into your phone or a message into your email saying something like, “Your $1,200 assistance check is ready!” Don’t click on the link. They want your information and will attempt to steal your assets.
Another message example: “Some people you’ve been in contact with have tested positive for the COVID-19. We are not at liberty to give you their names. You need to take antibiotics immediately and the good news is they are free. You only must pay shipping and handling. Click on the link, fill in your payment information and we will ship your protection today.”
It’s bogus, antibiotics won’t stop the virus, at least that hasn’t been proven yet.
A third example: a message claiming to be from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) or WHO (the World Health Organization), saying you must prepay to receive a virus test in the mail. Again, don’t fall for it.
Or, they may offer free face masks, if you just pay shipping and handling.
If you must contact the CDC, or any other entity, go directly to their website. Again, do not click on links.
And with so many people sheltering at home, they have more time to be online and to online date. Which leads to more romance scams. I want to share with you briefly one romance scam that has been brought to my attention.
Remember, widows can be especially vulnerable and are the ones usually targeted.
Anatomy of a Senior Romance Scam
One of our Florida Champs shared a story this week on how a widow friend of hers in Florida, in her 70s, has fallen hook, line and sinker for a romance scam that’s preposterous. I will share a few of the details and point out some red flags.
The scammer reached her through an online dating site. First red flag, he’s working overseas, but he’ll be back in the states soon.
They’ve never met in person, never talked on the phone and have never skyped. So, she’s dealing with someone who could be anybody–a man, a woman, a child.
He has slowly gained her confidence. He said he had gifts for her; she gave him her snail mail address. Yes, some refrigerator magnets, one with a heart and an arrow through it, that said “I love you” at the bottom. But, now he knows exactly where she lives..
He is working her for as long as it takes. Our Champ is trying to bring sense to her widow friend, but, the widow is lonely and this scammer is playing that to the hilt. He is likely working multiple potential victims at the same time, knowing if he can fool just a few, he’ll be rich or at least make lots of money.
Here is an abbreviated copy of an email the scammer sent (her name changed). The scammer may have got his identity from someone he found on Wikipedia. I did not edit his grammar mistakes:
“Dear Sally, …You asked who I really am. I’m Admiral James Jones, a retired Navy Admiral and I was born November 11, 1954. I was a Captain of an aircraft carrier before I retired. I’m on a secret mission in the Middel East, which I can’t discuss it. I will be returning to the United States within the next few months and want to visit you in Florida.
Sally, I think I told you that my wife and I are divorced. We have two children, James Jr. and Felina. Both are married. They live near Boston.”
Red flag: He says he thinks he told her that he is divorced.” He’s likely dealing with so many potential victims at the same time he can’t even remember what he told her.
“Sally, I’m happy that you now know who I really am. I didn’t want to tell you the truth before because I didn’t want to be bragging that I am a high ranking military official. I’m sorry if I lied to you. Also, the Navy doesn’t want revealed details of the secret mission I’m on. (hint: it’s repositioning oil tankers)
I know we both want love for each other. I’m so relieved now I don’t have to pretend I’m someone else. I hope you understand. When we are together, I can give you more details.
When I step off that airplane when I return to the states, I will propose to you right then. OK? Ha Ha!
I love you so much.
Sincerely,
Jose
Tom’s comments:
Here’s what the scammer might actually look like.
And why did the Fake sign his name as “Jose,” not James? Probably because when they first met online he used the name Jose.
And the scammer’s grammar is atrocious. Senior romance scammers are usually from foreign countries.
Plus, the scammer admits he lied to Sally early on.
People who say they’re working overseas in the military or on oil rigs, or for big companies—huge red flags.
Our Champ hopes to change her friend’s mind.
I don’t want any of our Champs to ever be scammed. Also, be skeptical of any COVID-19 related communication that requires paying money or submitting one’s personal information.
##
A reminder, the Meet and Greet for March in Dana Point has been cancelled. Probably April also.
Woman seeking husband # 4
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 4, January 24, 2020
by columnist Thomas P blake
The Champs take over
Response to woman seeking husband # 4
Marta wrote, “For the lady who is aching to get married: The best way to find a mate that is RIGHT for YOU is to be you as much as possible. Forget about finding a partner and do what you LIKE, around groups of people that include males, as often as you can, daily.
“When people observe you being happy, they are naturally attracted, they cannot help themselves. Plaster a smile on your face and get going.”
Responses to learning to play Bridge – the card game
Diana, “In South Orange County, California, South Orange Coast Bridge Center…San Juan Capistrano is a great club. I took beginner’s lessons when the club was at the harbor. I was 72 and had never played bridge before.
Have made a wonderful network of friends and play three times a week when at home and on cruises. Totally addicting though, so be warned! Carissa can likely find great clubs where she lives in Arizona.”
Sandy, “It’s never too late to learn Bridge. I am 70 and just recently learned. Go forth and enjoy! I recommend the American Contract Bridge League website (www.ABCL.ORG), and find classes, it is bonding, socialization, and intellectual…even if you are bad at it…you still reap the benefits!”
New Year’s Eve in Dubai – Chris and Tina
I asked our Champs, Chris and Tina, the longest, long-distance relationship couple (5,419 miles) of which I’ve ever known–who spent New Years Eve on a cruise ship in Dubai–if they’d share that experience with us.
Chris wrote, “The ship docked in Dubai on the afternoon of December 31, 2019.The dress code that evening was semi-formal. We met Bruce and Deb, a couple from England we had become acquainted with, for a wonderful lobster dinner.
“After dinner we went to the lounge and listened and danced to some good music. Around 11:30 p.m., the crew passed out hats for the men and crowns for the ladies, and we all went onto the upper swimming pool deck where the big party was going on.
“It was a beautiful night. There had to be 1,000 people up there. The music was loud, the champagne was flowing, and everyone was dancing and singing. It was a great and fun crowd.
“At midnight the Burj Khalifa–the tallest building in the world–lit up. It was a different New Year’s fireworks show than normal. There was a beautiful light display running up and down the building while fireworks were going off from the building complementing the lights. It was wonderful.
Champs Tina and Chris – after a long New Years Eve aboard ship in Dubai
“There were also four other parts of the city that lit up with fireworks. What a thrill to be standing there, with my arms around my wife, watching all this in Dubai as the new decade began.”
Larry Leach, one of our Champs, graduated two years ahead of me at Jackson High School, Jackson, Michigan. He lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and is a big University of Michigan sports fan. He lettered in golf at Michigan.
Champ Larry Leach – loves the Big Blue
Larry forwarded an email that included 13 “Peanuts” cartoons, by Charles Schultz. Their simple, positive messages are wonderful. I thought I’d share a few of them with you—one at a time, once in a while—to remind us how positive messages can warm our hearts.
73 Years of Friendship
Two Champs – Pam S. and Pam P (Tom Blake’s sister). – who grew up together in Jackson, Michigan – shared a photo of them together in 1947. Now, Pam P lives in San Diego and Pam F. still lives in Jackson; they remain friends and exchange stories. They are Champs and are both married.
Champ Pam S. on left; Champ Pam P. on right – still pals after 73 years
Seeking husband #4
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 3, January 17, 2020
by columnist Thomas P Blake
There are 3 parts to today’s eNewsletter
Seeking Husband #4 and another woman asks about learning to play bridge
Part 1 – Seeking husband Number 4
Husband #1 in Prague in 2007 photo by Tom Blake
A woman I will call Nellie emailed, “This is the year I will find love and remarry. I’m 72. Time is passing me by. I like being married; I’ve just had some bad luck. This time around will be better.
“I’ve been divorced (my third) from my most recent husband for almost two years now. What do you recommend I do to find the guy who’ll be perfect for me, before my time runs out?”
My answer to Nellie: “As my favorite sports announcer of all time, the late, great Keith Jackson used to say, “Whoa Nellie!
Before you search for hubby #4, I think you need to understand what happened to your first three marriages.
Were there similarities or patterns from the marriages? Were your ex-husbands abusers or womanizers? Were they controlling or non-loving or as the Eagles sing in the 1975 classic song, Lyin’ Eyes, ‘with hands as cold as ice?’”
(note: Link to Lyin’ Eyes is at the end of today’s eNewsletter)
Also, the second thing you need to do is make a list of the qualities you seek in a mate. Might be 8 or 10 items or more. But don’t make the list so strict or inflexible that you eliminate a person who would be a good mate for you but they fall a little short in a category that isn’t a deal breaker for you.
In my book, Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do, I devote an entire chapter on this important step.
“And why do you feel the “need” to be married again?
“I can’t stress enough how many woman Champs are on their own and creating a great life for themselves. They have outside interests—hiking, biking, volunteering, traveling, going back to college, gardening, writing a book or studying their genealogy, and while most would enjoy having a partner, they don’t wait for that to happen. What they do have in common: having women friends with whom they enjoy social interaction.
Many say they would rather be on their own than repeating their histories of divorce and unhappy partnerships.
Perhaps you can self-analyze what happened to those marriages. You may even discover you may have contributed to their demises. Or, you may need to seek professional help to figure out what happened. But find out what makes you tick and why you made those marriage decisions.
Are you so afraid of being alone that you’re willing to rush into another relationship or marriage? That might fail because it’s just repeated behavior. Geez, the ink isn’t even dry on your last set of divorce papers.
Many Champs tell me they’d love having a partner, but they see no reason to remarry. After all, they say, at our age, they’re not trying to start a family.
So, Nellie, I’m not trying to be harsh on you, just realistic. Don’t focus on finding another husband. Instead, focus on you and having a meaningful purpose in life, and, establishing lots and lots of woman friends.
Part 2 – Too old to learn to play bridge?
Carissa from Arizona emailed:
“At age 68, I’d like to learn how to play bridge. Seems like a great way to meet new people through a card game, plus just about every community has bridge players.
Would you ask your Champs a few questions for me?
- How old is too old to learn bridge?
- What’s their best advice for novice bridge players wanting to improve their skills?
- In my community, there are people advertising classes to teach bridge. Are classes necessary? Or, should I go to my nearest bookstore and read how to do it?
- How best to find a bridge partner?
- How best to find a group of bridge players that is best suited to my skill level?
Tom’s response: Too old to learn? No, in fact, it’s great for keeping the brain working. My Mom played bridge until she was almost age 99 and she was sharp as a tack.
Last year, Greta took beginner’s bridge lessons on a cruise we were on and most students were in their 60s and 70s. So, you are not too old. Lessons are necessary and would be better than learning from books as there are new conventions (methods of bidding) introduced often.
I suggest taking one of the lessons or classes in your community. Have you checked with Meetup.com? And Senior Centers?
When you begin to take lessons, the answers to questions 4 and 5 will almost automatically be answered.
I’m certain some Champs will have sage advice in responding to your questions.
Part 3 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point
The first 2020 Meet and Greet for people age 50-plus will be at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, California, 92629, on Thursday, January 23, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. No admission cost. Complimentary appetizers, beer and wine, $5 per glass.
Link to Lyin’ Eyes by Eagles 1975
1975 Grammy Award for Best Pop Performance by a duo
Responses to breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 22, 2019
by columnist Thomas P Blake
He breadcrumbed Loretta. He was a miserable worm – regardless of how you want to label it and/or him
Today’s eNewsletter is a collection of 20 Champ responses from last week’s article, “Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term. To refresh your memory, go back and read last week’s post about Loretta being breadcrumbed.
1. Jeanne, “Yikes! That wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship! It was a one-way street – going his way.”
2. Wayne, “Total denial.”
3. Art, Florida, “This ‘relationship’ was much more in her mind than his. He carried on his life with her as an occasional date. When he did not give her so much as a birthday phone call, it was obvious that she was not on his mind, or even in his plans.
“This was for him just another in a line of dates, but no deep communication, no interest in the future, and no relationship.
“I think that many of us read more into situations, and believe the story we tell ourselves, but in the end, wind up being hurt.”
4. Joanie, “I was in two ‘go-no-place (GNP) relationships’ where there was no growth and no further depth than the initial dating. It took me years to realize what was happening.
Alert from Tom: Might Joanie have just created a new senior dating term? A GNP relationship (go-no-place).
“It’s a gift to find this out after a year or two and get out–better to be alone and pursuing a quality life–than to waste one’s precious time on a GNP. Loretta will find a better match.”
5. Miriam, “There were small signs along the way, but she was too trusting with his many excuses and times of not seeing her. In a good relationship, you want to be together as much as possible.”
6. Susan, “It sounds like Loretta’s now-ex boyfriend may be incapable of having a close relationship. There were red flags. For one, being brushed aside for a family dinner every week seems very unusual.”
7. Sue, Phoenix, AZ, “Loretta is much better off without that kind of individual. He’s more of a miserable worm than a crumb.”
8. Jon, Olympia, Washington, “Loretta’s friend should be ashamed of himself. A man should never make the woman guess the status of their relationship. Making and keeping plans is crucial to maintaining communication. For Turkey Day, I’m having dinner at Sharon’s with her family, and I am buying the turkey.”
9. Tasia, “Breadcrumbing – Never heard of it before but it makes total sense! I tried online dating for a few years and met only one person who was honest with me. Unfortunately, the attraction wasn’t there even though he was a good, kindhearted man. We even tried a second time to make it work a couple years later, but, everything that was wrong the first time, was still wrong, so we ended as friends again.
“I’m not online any longer and I have not been breadcrumbed, or, experienced situational dating, but I now recognize that happened with a former friend. I always thought it was because she slept with these guys after the first or second date – not saying Loretta did that – just that my friend did.”
10. Mary Lou, “Long periods between dates, showing up not groomed for a date, talking about making plans and then not following up, didn’t any of these raise a red flag?
“It takes two to make a relationship. This relationship was on its last legs, whether she knew it or not. I bet he met someone who lives closer to him, and, went for it with the other gal because Loretta was geographically undesirable.
“Some people just want to keep their options open (ie., breadcrumbed) until they decide where to commit. Not fair nor is it kind, but it’s what happens.
“Loretta sounds like a nice lady. She’ll be more savvy and aware with the next guy she meets.”
11. Marta from Montreal, “Six weeks is an awfully long time to not get together, especially since they were not very far apart.
“It sounds like the relationship was not developing as relationships do, but how was she to judge that? We are encouraged to be patient, kind, accepting, all that good stuff, but there is a limit, and I understand how deciding what one’s personal limit is can be very confusing.
“If what you want is a loving and permanent romance, be alert for signs it’s not going to happen, and get your runners on and get going.”
12. Gail, Bishop, California, “My reaction is old-fashioned: good riddance! What a rude person. I’m glad she found him out.”
13. Thyrza, Los Angeles area, “Loretta was hanging on too long hoping the relationship will develop and blossom. Obviously, it did not, time to move on.
“He was not a catch, anyway, I would dismiss it as a ghostly encounter. Move on Loretta. I don’t care what that relationship label is, just move on!”
14. Laurie, “I’ve been breadcrumbed. It stinks!”
15. Stella, “ARRRRGHGH! Why would she want him anyway? He’s mentally ill, in bad health, blood clots (unless he’s lying). If a guy isn’t willing to spend his time with you exclusively after a year – HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!” (The name of a well-known dating book).”
16. Joy, “She thought this to be a loving, committed relationship. Men and women should pay more attention to what their partner does than what he or she says. Actions speak louder than words. Talk can be cheap. I believe most of us heard this ‘saying’ when we were in high school.
Loretta is a loving and kind woman. Love yourself more Loretta and be thankful you can now see his true character. Head up high and move forward with a smile. You’re lucky you caught him in another lie.
17. Terry, “I feel for her as ‘love’ can be like the disease of addiction–cunning and baffling.”
18. Lee Ann, “I’m not fond of labels since every dating experience is different. Breadcrumbed especially. I think what she needs to focus on instead of labeling it is what she wants next time. There were so many red flags. They were dating for a year but would go weeks without seeing each other, even though only 30 minutes apart.
“I’m also disturbed that she wasn’t included in Sunday dinners. Relationships are supposed to grow in a forward direction.
“Another huge red flag for me would be being asked to make a baby blanket for a baby I’d never met. I think she should take some time alone to examine what she wants in a relationship and perhaps see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries and to have a healthy relationship down the road.”
19. Shelley, San Diego, “I think what many women do is: Go by a man’s WORDS and not his ACTIONS. This man was saying he was her ‘boyfriend’ and that he ‘loved’ her, but his ACTIONS tell a different story.
“In all relationships, we need to feel safe, seen and celebrated.
“From a man who says he loves me, I should be getting great treatment, treated as precious.”
20. Stephanie, Midwest, “Breadcrumbing is nothing new. It used to be called ‘stringing you along.’
“Loretta’s boyfriend didn’t want to break off the relationship because his new lady he had dinner with might break up with him, and good old Loretta would still be available for dating.
“For a time, she was his main girlfriend, as he was inviting her to share the holidays with his family. Somewhere along the line, she became a utility infielder instead of a starting pitcher.
“Breadcrumbing is more subtle than ghosting, you feel the person still cares about you and there is an ongoing connection.
“Ladies, don’t fall for this–if enthusiasm wanes, if something has changed–call it out. Put less value on his words than his actions from that point on. Maybe he’s just a coward or fears hurting your feelings so he says all the right things and you calm down–but is the phone ringing again?”
Tom’s final observation: Wow 20 Champs’ responses. You make this eNewsletter so darn interesting. In effect, you write it.
The perfect finish to this eNewsletter was alluded to by Thyrza, when she mentioned Loretta was hanging on. Those two words reminded me of the incredible Rod Stewart song, “You Keep Me Hangin’ On,” from the 1977 Footloose and Fancy Free record album (we’ve featured it before in a column)
That song by Stewart is the greatest tribute to being breadcrumbed in the world. The violins, and, Carmine Appice on the drums, make listening to this 7+ minute song purely enjoyable.
That song, and two others from that album (I Was Only Joking and You Got A Nerve) belong in the senior Music Hall of Fame (which doesn’t exist). Here’s the link to You Keep Me Hanging On. Do yourself a favor and listen (excuse the picture with the video of the woman with the bikini and tattoos)
Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 15, 2019 – Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating descriptions
by columnist Thomas P Blake
You’d think that after 26 years of writing approximately 4,000 eNewsletters and newspaper columns on senior dating and relationships, I’ve heard it all.
Not true. With our eNewsletter readers (Champs), there is always something new. Such was the case with Loretta’s email this week. She wrote: Breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.
Having read last week’s eNewsletter about Chris and Tina applying for a 10-year green card, Loretta wrote: “I wanted to share my story in the hope you might provide your insight and perspective.
“As of October, 2018, I’ve been involved in a new relationship. We met through a dating web site. He is 70; I’m 63. We live 30 to 40 minutes from each other.
I considered him to be my boyfriend. I thought he considered me his girlfriend. Not sure if we were lifetime-partner material but my friends who met him thought we could be.
Tom’s clarification: Loretta explained in lengthy detail the background of their relationship. I edited those comments for brevity, paraphrasing what she said so readers will have background with which to work.
Loretta and her “boyfriend” were not together often—sometimes weeks would go by without seeing each other. She works full time; he works part time. They usually saw each other on Saturday afternoons and/or evenings. And sometimes during the week. They were comfortable with that arrangement. They texted and telephoned often.
The boyfriend spends Sundays at his son’s family dinners. She isn’t invited. Loretta makes her own plans for Sundays. Last year, a month after they met, they celebrated her birthday by dining out and going to the theater.
In 2018., they spent Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with his family. They exchanged gifts. They did not spend Easter together as he suffers from depression and confused his meds. He spent the day alone. She didn’t see him for six weeks “…while the meds adjusted.”
Loretta was asked to knit a baby blanket for the boyfriend’s grandson, who was born in July. She has not met the grandson. Once, last-minute, she was invited but she had already made other plans.
Hopefully, the above background details are helpful.
And now, back to Loretta’s email
She wrote, “He told me he considered me his girlfriend. He told me he loved me. I called him Tesoro Mio, my treasure and my boyfriend. He wanted to meet my friends.
“He also knew I did I not wait for him to make plans for a weekend. I would see my friends and do things on my own as he did every Sunday with his family. We would share what we were doing, so I thought. Last time I saw him, he asked if I had met someone. I told him no. He was my boyfriend.
“We last saw each other for dinner on Tuesday, October 29, 2019. He didn’t bother to shave or dress up. During that date, he brought up my birthday, saying he didn’t forget my birthday, knew it was coming up. No plans were made for my birthday. Poof.
“During that dinner, I asked about Thanksgiving and he confirmed via text me having Thanksgiving with his family and via a phone call only a week ago.
Prior to October 29, the last time we got together was on September 19 (about six weeks before).
“On my birthday, last Sunday, November 9, I was breadcrumbed. I asked Loretta to define breadcrumbed.
She wrote, “Breadcrumbed is a dating term like ghosting. It is when texting and receiving ‘likes’ on social media that make you think you are in a relationship. And has kinda replaced ghosting. Worse than ghosting, however, as just when you think the relationship may be ending, it picks back up. Or as in my case, talk of plans and then none made. Talk of taking a trip together and then hearing it’s not a good time for a trip.
“It is the story of Hansel and Gretel. The crumbs led to the wicked witch, not a happy ending.
Then, she asked me: “You did an eNewsletter about ghosting. Would you consider one on breadcrumbed and situational relationships?
“Dating has changed so much with social media and texting, it is easy to think or find oneself in what one thinks is a solid relationship, only to learn it isn’t anything at all. Poof, and you realize–despite expressions of love–it wasn’t anything.
Loretta’s disappointing birthday
“I called him early in the afternoon on my birthday. I was concerned about his health (he has a blood clot in his leg). He shared he wasn’t feeling great and was just hanging out at home.
“He said he was selfish in forgetting my birthday. I didn’t correct him just told him where I would be for dinner, if he felt like joining me. Texted him the address and time. I hadn’t heard from him for five days.
“Though, the last few weeks, I realized upon reflection, not so many calls. The missing calls were explained by him–without my asking–that he was receiving calls from his son each evening as his new grandson was being put to sleep.
“I went to dinner to celebrate by myself. I thought it would be a kind gesture to drop off a meal from the restaurant; he had told me many times that I was welcome anytime. This would be the first time that I just showed up without calling ahead. After all, he told me he was home alone, with nothing going on.
“When I arrived–much to my surprise–I saw another car in the driveway with a woman putting food leftovers in her car trunk. She walked back into the house.
“I followed her into the house as the side door was open. He was standing in the living room with his jacket on. It appeared they had just returned from dinner out. He was dressed for a date as was she.
“I handed him the food. Spoke to him and said I brought you dinner as I thought you were too sick to go out.
“He smiled, said she is a friend, and, he asked me to leave. He would call me.
“I said goodbye to him as I left.
“Two things: If she was just a friend, I believe he would have introduced me.
“Second, I haven’t shed a tear. I am in shock. Can’t believe for one who is viewed as sharp and smart by my friends, that it happened. Feeling overwhelmed in my disappointment.
“Believe I’ve been breadcrumbed, and in a situational relationship without ever knowing it. Gotta move on and recover.
“It was a relationship that was comfortable, not perfect. He told me he loved me. I was invited to stay over. In the end, it’s probably for the better. Just sad how the end happened.”
Tom’s wrap up: I know Champs will have opinions. I have no words, other than: There were red flags that Loretta overlooked. His ignoring Loretta’s birthday was bad enough, but for him to be out with another woman on Loretta’s birthday, and asking Loretta to leave, that’s the end of the line.
So now, we have new dating terms: breadcrumbed. A new senior dating term.
Responses to Loretta’s story from my readers, whom I refer to as Champs, in the following week’s eNewsletters, which is published next in this eNewsletter.
Senior long-distance relationship challenges
On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – November 8, 2019
by Columnist Thomas P Blake
Champ couple overcomes senior long-distance relationship challenges and now faces another challenge
Our most-written-about Champ couple is in the news again. Yes, I’m referring to Chris and Tina Anastasio, San Clemente, California residents. Most of you will recall that I’ve written about them before on a couple of occasions.
Why the hoopla about Chris and Tina (Christine)? Because, in the 26 years I’ve been writing newspaper columns and newsletters, I’ve never met a senior couple who has endured and overcome as many senior relationship challenges as Chris and Christine.
Christine and Chris in front of Richard Henry Dana statue in Dana Point Harbor (photo by Tom)
To refresh your memory: Their story together began in 2004. Chris, as a cruise ship dance host on a cruise ship, danced with Christine, a lovely widow of 18 months from England. After the cruise, they started corresponding, which began the longest, long-distance relationship of which I’m aware—5,419 miles, San Clemente to England.
Over the years, when they could, they visited each other, and took trips together.
In 2009, I published a book titled, “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50.” In their story, which is included in the book, Chris states, “Every time we get together it’s like a honeymoon.”
After 13 years of being an unwed, long-distance couple, Chris and Christine married on February 12, 2017, at the Dana Point California Yacht Club. Greta, and I attended the wedding, and I wrote a column about them.
Tina and Chris Anastasio–tying the knot in Dana Point in February, 2017 (photo by Tom Blake)
But their challenges weren’t entirely behind them. Christine still had to return to England from time-to-time because she wasn’t eligible to permanently stay in the United States.
So, a month after their wedding, Chris and Christine started the legal process of securing a two-year, temporary, green card for her, so she wouldn’t have to leave the country so often.
A year later, in February, 2018, Chris emailed: “After jumping through all kinds of hoops last year, we finally had Christine’s green card hearing today. It was the last stop in the process.
“We were told to bring pictures, papers, letters or anything else that would prove we were a REAL couple. Christine suggested we bring your How 50 Couples Found Love After 50 book to the green card hearing.
“During the interview, I mentioned that we had become kind of famous because of our long-distance relationship you’ve written about. I said we were featured in your book, and handed it to him, with our page bookmarked.
“He started reading. His face lit up. He said, ‘This is great, I don’t have to see anything else. You have your green card.’
“It was amazing. That’s all he looked at. We were out of there in less than a half hour. You had a hand (and a big hand at that) in getting Christine her green card. Thanks for your help.”
Their green-card story is why I wrote a second article about them.
I think their life-together achievement is remarkable. I’ve had seniors complain that someone who lives a few miles away is geographically undesirable. Traveling to another state to meet? Unthinkable.
And, yet Chris and Christine stuck together being 5,419 miles away. Chris is now 85, and Christine turns 79 this December. Chris is well-known in south Orange County for his charity work.
One other thing about Chris, who is a US Navy veteran. On the first anniversary of 9/11, at age 69, he put the American flag on the “A” marker buoy via a kayak, just outside of Dana Point Harbor beyond the jetty in the Pacific Ocean.
Chris said, “I tended the flag every day from a kayak and changed it about every three months until I turned 80 and had heart surgery. The Dana Point Yacht Club said they liked it and would maintain it.” (Note from Tom: this week, I verified with a guy who does stand up paddling in the ocean that the flag is still on that buoy).
And now, another challenge has arisen
This week, Chris emailed an update: “Christine’s two-year green card expires soon. So, we must go back in and apply for Christine’s 10-year, permanent green card. Is it okay with you if we carry your “How 50 Couples Found Love After 50” book to the government office again? It brought great luck to us two years ago.
My reply: “Of course. Let me provide you with a fresh copy. Hopefully, it will help you get Christine’s permanent green card.
Also, not letting age slow them down, Christine and Chris added, “We are taking a cruise over the Holidays. We board the ship in Singapore December 18, and disembark in Dubai, January 2, 2020. We will watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks from the deck of the ship in Dubai Harbor.”
Christine and Chris Anastasio are one of the most inspiring–and indefatigable–Champ couples I’ve ever come across.
On Life and Love after 50 