On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter – Issue 3, January 17, 2020
by columnist Thomas P Blake
There are 3 parts to today’s eNewsletter
Seeking Husband #4 and another woman asks about learning to play bridge
Part 1 – Seeking husband Number 4
Husband #1 in Prague in 2007 photo by Tom Blake
A woman I will call Nellie emailed, “This is the year I will find love and remarry. I’m 72. Time is passing me by. I like being married; I’ve just had some bad luck. This time around will be better.
“I’ve been divorced (my third) from my most recent husband for almost two years now. What do you recommend I do to find the guy who’ll be perfect for me, before my time runs out?”
My answer to Nellie: “As my favorite sports announcer of all time, the late, great Keith Jackson used to say, “Whoa Nellie!
Before you search for hubby #4, I think you need to understand what happened to your first three marriages.
Were there similarities or patterns from the marriages? Were your ex-husbands abusers or womanizers? Were they controlling or non-loving or as the Eagles sing in the 1975 classic song, Lyin’ Eyes, ‘with hands as cold as ice?’”
(note: Link to Lyin’ Eyes is at the end of today’s eNewsletter)
Also, the second thing you need to do is make a list of the qualities you seek in a mate. Might be 8 or 10 items or more. But don’t make the list so strict or inflexible that you eliminate a person who would be a good mate for you but they fall a little short in a category that isn’t a deal breaker for you.
In my book, Finding Love After 50. How to Begin. Where to Go. What to Do, I devote an entire chapter on this important step.
“And why do you feel the “need” to be married again?
“I can’t stress enough how many woman Champs are on their own and creating a great life for themselves. They have outside interests—hiking, biking, volunteering, traveling, going back to college, gardening, writing a book or studying their genealogy, and while most would enjoy having a partner, they don’t wait for that to happen. What they do have in common: having women friends with whom they enjoy social interaction.
Many say they would rather be on their own than repeating their histories of divorce and unhappy partnerships.
Perhaps you can self-analyze what happened to those marriages. You may even discover you may have contributed to their demises. Or, you may need to seek professional help to figure out what happened. But find out what makes you tick and why you made those marriage decisions.
Are you so afraid of being alone that you’re willing to rush into another relationship or marriage? That might fail because it’s just repeated behavior. Geez, the ink isn’t even dry on your last set of divorce papers.
Many Champs tell me they’d love having a partner, but they see no reason to remarry. After all, they say, at our age, they’re not trying to start a family.
So, Nellie, I’m not trying to be harsh on you, just realistic. Don’t focus on finding another husband. Instead, focus on you and having a meaningful purpose in life, and, establishing lots and lots of woman friends.
Part 2 – Too old to learn to play bridge?
Carissa from Arizona emailed:
“At age 68, I’d like to learn how to play bridge. Seems like a great way to meet new people through a card game, plus just about every community has bridge players.
Would you ask your Champs a few questions for me?
- How old is too old to learn bridge?
- What’s their best advice for novice bridge players wanting to improve their skills?
- In my community, there are people advertising classes to teach bridge. Are classes necessary? Or, should I go to my nearest bookstore and read how to do it?
- How best to find a bridge partner?
- How best to find a group of bridge players that is best suited to my skill level?
Tom’s response: Too old to learn? No, in fact, it’s great for keeping the brain working. My Mom played bridge until she was almost age 99 and she was sharp as a tack.
Last year, Greta took beginner’s bridge lessons on a cruise we were on and most students were in their 60s and 70s. So, you are not too old. Lessons are necessary and would be better than learning from books as there are new conventions (methods of bidding) introduced often.
I suggest taking one of the lessons or classes in your community. Have you checked with Meetup.com? And Senior Centers?
When you begin to take lessons, the answers to questions 4 and 5 will almost automatically be answered.
I’m certain some Champs will have sage advice in responding to your questions.
Part 3 – Meet and Greet in Dana Point
The first 2020 Meet and Greet for people age 50-plus will be at Tutor and Spunky’s Deli, 34085 Pacific Coast Highway, Dana Point, California, 92629, on Thursday, January 23, 5 p.m. to 7 p.m. No admission cost. Complimentary appetizers, beer and wine, $5 per glass.
Link to Lyin’ Eyes by Eagles 1975
1975 Grammy Award for Best Pop Performance by a duo