Tom Blake

At 77, a Remarkable Woman Champ

On Life and Love Afer 50 eNewsletter

April 19, 2024

Tom Blake Columnist

Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

A bonus for me in writing these eNewsletters is I’ve become friends with many Champs. Most of them I’ve never met in person. We have what I call an LDF, (long-distance friendship). When I owned my deli in Dana Point, some would stop by and introduce themselves, but I sold the deli eight years ago so that way of meeting each other no longer exists.

One of them is FFF (her initials) who lives in Florida. In an email a couple of years ago, she mentioned that she is a Scorpio. That piqued my interest as I’m also a Scorpio, so I asked her what day her birthday is. She said, “November 11.” That’s my birthday also.

To me, November 11 is more than just my birthday. It was also my Mom’s birthday and it was called Armistice Day. On June 1, 1954, the federal government changed the name of November 11 to Veterans Day.

FFF is a remarkable Champ. At 77, she’s got more energy than the Energizer Bunny and has more men pursuing her than a woman in her 20s.

A year ago, she emailed: “I still am very young, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package (in a man). I don’t mind ‘part-time.’ My social calendar with friends is over the top…concerts, plays, restaurants…and I exercise every day. I’m still writing my book. Hopefully, by year-end, I will get it published.”

In response to last week’s “Catfishing” eNewsletter, FFF emailed, “I’ve never been ‘catfished’ although not for their lack of trying. Growing up in NYC and being ‘street smart’ might have saved me. There were a few men who tried to get me to send money…one guy said he was hurt and in Thailand. I said, ‘I have a good friend in Thailand (true) and he will meet you and help you.’ Ha ha…you know that never happened.

“I even called out a scammer one day and he argued with me for two days and finally apologized.

“I think (I hope, fingers crossed) that I met a ‘Nice Jewish Doctor.’ I will call him Barry. He is a retired clinical psychologist, turned to music (saxophone and guitar) opened a recording studio, and has won Emmys. He is originally from Long Island NY, lived in Sarasota (downtown) and now lives in a small town by the Gulf about 20 minutes from me.

“Barry is Jewish, as am I. He is six feet tall, 73-years-old. He is smart. He likes me…we’ve been talking, have exchanged brief texts, mostly phone conversations, and are having dinner next Wednesday.

“He wanted to meet me sooner but I’m so busy with work, working out (yup, yoga, Pilates, barre, Tai Chi, personal training, pickleball training, decorating my house, joining clubs where I live, nice neighbors, etc. and going to Illinois this weekend to celebrate my granddaughter’s 17th birthday…we are going to ‘high tea’ at the famous Drake Hotel in Chicago.

“Back to Barry, I decided to stop looking for younger men with good looks…both were important characteristics to me. I’m now thinking about values, kindness, how men treat me, and, how much they want to be with me.

“I have two other guys interested but I’m not. There seems to be a ‘bottomless’ pit concerning meeting men…never have a problem as us ‘Scorpios’ know. But meeting the right one is not easy.

“At this moment in time, I’m a very happy camper. My health is great…where I moved to in Florida is wonderful and life is really being kind to me or I’m being kind to me.

“I will be getting back to writing my book this summer. I’ve been busy selling real estate and getting my staging/decorating company up and running. I will, however, finish the book and maybe, with your help, publish it or get advice from you.

“I hope the doctor and I like each other in person. I have a good gut feeling and you know how we Scorpios are with our ‘intuition.’

“Remember the words she was just 17 from the Beatles song, “I Saw Her Standing There?” That’s how I feel at 77. Barry is 73.

I just turned down a 59-year-old guy and a 56-year-old guy.

Tom’s comment about FFF

As I wrote earlier, FFF is an amazing woman. She stays active via exercise and going out with friends. She dates younger men although her focus now is more on quality than age. Barry is 73. Will he be too old for her although he’s four years younger?

My only advice to her is regarding the book she’s writing. Do a little bit at a time, even now. Maybe 15-20 minutes a day or at night. The editing comes much later. Just getting thoughts down on paper is a big step forward. I will help in any way I can.

Catfishing Becomes More Dangerous

Columnist Tom Blake

April 12, 2024

Note from Tom: The photo above is not of a catfisher. It’s of Alex, my friend of 40 years and he’s happily married.

Any senior who has tried online dating has likely experienced catfishing. It occurs when a person creates a fake identity or online persona to deceive online daters into romantic relationships, ultimately scamming their money.

These catfishers use fake and stolen photos taken from social media platforms and online dating profiles. They often use AI (Artificial Intelligence) to perfect their deceitful information.

With their fake profiles in hand, they troll online dating websites looking for vulnerable seniors (new widows, for example) and use the fake identity to win over a lonely person’s heart and confidence by lying and saying they are someone they aren’t.

Note from Tom: Catfishers and Scammers troll online websites besides dating websites. They troll sites such as LinkedIn and WhatsApp, which are not classified as online dating sites.

They often claim to be overseas working on an oil rig in a foreign location.

Slowly, over time, they attempt to win the lonely person over and convince them they will return to the USA to be with them soon.

Most of us have heard sad stories of lonely and vulnerable seniors, mostly, but not always, women, losing thousands of dollars—even their life savings–to these online scammers.

Last week I received an email with this subject line: “AI Dating profile generator” spikes catfishing concerns. The article stated that AI (Artificial Intelligence) has made catfishing even more deceitful with the release of Sora, a new AI program. Sora AI can create videos that look and feel natural, all from a simple text prompt or image.

The email stated: “We encourage online daters to be extra careful to validate who they are dating and who they think they are dating. Also, this comment: …Voices and faces of people you know can be impeccably faked as an effort to steal your money or identity.”

Champs, if you search on “Relationship Expert Steve Phillips-Waller from A Conscious Rethink” website, you’ll find tips and information on protecting yourself from AI romance scams.

I asked Orange County dating and relationship coach Christine Baumgartner about catfishing, and she strongly recommends that before having a first date, the person should request a video call.

Christine says, “Most catfishing scammers will refuse a video call and make some excuse not to participate in a video call. Google Voice and Google Video can be used as well as the Facetime button on your cell phone.”

She also advises not to text-message strangers.

To contact Christine: www.Theperfectcatch.com or email Christine@theperfectcatch.com.

The April 2024 AARP Bulletin magazine cover states “Older Americans Are Under Siege from Scammers.” Nearly the entire issue is dedicated to combatting fraud. That’s good reading for seniors to educate themselves on fighting fraud.

Trust your instincts and be careful before communicating with a stranger. Don’t answer your phone if you don’t recognize the caller. Request that video chat so you can see the person who claims to be interested in you.

Part 2 – Upcoming Fun Day in Dana Point

For Champs living in Southern California, who would like to get some exercise and meet new friends, at no cost, the World Tai Chi & Qigong Day is scheduled for Dana Point on Saturday, April 27, at 9:30 a.m., on the grass area in front of Baby Beach in Dana Point Harbor.

You do not need to be a tai chi expert. Even beginners can start to learn tai chi. And you’ll make new friends.

Champ Ron, a tai chi instructor in Dana Point, reminded me of this free event open to the public. I attended last year. It was most enjoyable, and I met many new people. I plan to go there this year as well.

There will also be Hawaiian and rock music, Hula Performances, and a potluck lunch.

If you attend, say hello to Ron and mention that you are a Champ.

For more information, contact Ron Cohan at Zia3@cox.net.

That’s it for this week’s eNewsletter Champs.

Senior Marriage: Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
March 1, 2024
By Columnist Tom Blake
Should Kathy (76) Marry John (80)?
By Columnist Tom Blake

In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Kathy met a man while volunteering at her church office. At a church supper, twice she sat next to ‘John,’ who is 80. She’s 76. Both are widowed. He was smitten with her and told her he liked her. They started dating.

Kathy said John has some health issues and wants to leave his estate to her and he feels marriage might make it easier to do that. And he wants to take a road trip West together. The marriage question is what triggered responses.

I have selected nine of the responses, all from women. Before we proceed to those nine responses, I didn’t want men left out. So, Part 2 at the end is a short fun anecdote that Champ Mark sent in.

Part 1 – Nine responses from women

Terry emailed, “Tom, this is great — Kathy and John can be more than friends and I would encourage it. But if they marry, the cost of his medical treatment could become her responsibility. “If he wants to leave her something he can do that and it is a wonderful gesture, but what if his money problems become a financial burden for her?

“She should have a great time, but there is no point in getting married. It’s one thing if you have been married many years and created a life together. At the end of life, it’s another ballgame.”

Joanie, “If she marries him, her assets become his as well especially if he outlives her. Things are better off staying as they are – she has a nice friend, no marital obligations and no financial worries about her own assets or her kids’ inheritances. And she has a nice companion. she can still take the trip out West. Friends travel together all the time.”

Sally, “I first met you in 1996, 30 years ago. I am still enjoying the single life and it’s ok to be alone without a companion underfoot. Most of my friends feel this way and don’t want to be someone’s ‘nurse or purse.’

“Bone cancer is a terrible cancer. My husband died of that in four months after agonizing treatment and pain, including going into a coma from chemo.

“Why should Kathy set herself up for a third heartbreak? If she marries John, she can be liable for all his bills left behind. I lived through that one too.  “It makes no sense that he would leave everything to her and not his family. She is in for a legal battle for sure if he has kids. Before agreeing to a legal commitment, she should review his will and trust with an attorney before getting married.

“Also, John has diabetes. Again, oh my, if he isn’t responsible for good eating habits why take that on too? “I say slow down and just have fun together as companions without the caregiver’s responsibility. Also find girlfriends to hang out with. It’s much less complicated.”

Tom’s response to Sally’s comment about John’s diabetes. A person can have Type 2 diabetes even when they have good eating habits. It’s not his fault that he has Type 2 or Type 1. Eating properly is an important part of the battle. Taking doctor-prescribed medications also can be necessary.

Norma, “You covered a lot in your article for people to think about.

“I had been to my doctor’s office for my yearly wellness check in June and my doctor said all my numbers were good and I was doing well for my age. He added, ‘Just don’t fall.’

“Two weeks later, I knew something was not right with my health. I did not have the classic symptoms of a heart attack and drove myself to Redlands Hospital. “They had to transfer me to Desert Regional Hospital in Palm Springs because there were no hospitals in the area that had a bed available to treat my condition and that led to open heart surgery. The Dr. In Palm Springs, a great surgeon called me a miracle and told me to go home and enjoy my life. My point being is like you told Kathy: Take the trip West.”

Linda, “Kathy is not in love with John. She won’t marry him, but she’ll accept his assets. Isn’t that interesting!”

Stephanie from the Midwest, “Tom, I think your advice to Kathy is spot on! First, you’re right that she got out of the house to do an activity, a biggie for meeting someone for dating.

“Second, they met at church where the only seat available twice was next to John, was God trying to tell her something? They follow the same religion, which is a big plus.

“Third, John is right in that if they were married there would be less chance of anyone being able to challenge his will–who knows if a child or even distant cousin could say Kathy exerted undue influence on their relative in getting him to leave her his assets…this wouldn’t be a consideration if they were married and her name was on everything as a joint owner.

“Story: My ex-husband was married for nine years to a woman six years younger. They were living in her house but because he was paying for many expenses out of his income (such as utilities and repairs) he insisted that she should put him on the house ownership papers as a joint tenant. (He also owned another home which he had rented out.) She did so.

“She also had two adult sons at the time, and they were on very good terms with the new husband. At age 58 after nine years of marriage, the wife had a stroke and died a month later! My ex got her house as he was the joint tenant (this is in California, LA County), which was okay with the sons as she had a life insurance policy that provided for them. The point is: Kathy, get your name on John’s house papers!”

Lisa, “I hope that you will not consider me to be a cynic, but as far as marriage is concerned, Kathy might be left with financial obligations when John passes, perhaps medical bills incurred at the last stages of his life. When someone’s estate is settled, debts come before the beneficiary gets the proceeds. “
I became cognizant of this type of situation during my last brief, but disastrous marriage. My new husband and I had bought a small ranch about 50 miles from downtown Los Angeles, where we both worked. “I started doing freelance work from home and taking care of the horses. He would take my completed work into the city, so I didn’t have to make frequent trips. However, he would often stay late in LA frequently, drinking with friends, and getting home still appearing to be over the limit as far as alcohol was concerned. “I came to realize that if he killed or maimed someone while driving DUI, I could be financially responsible for the results. There were other considerations, and I left the marriage as soon as I could make the logistics work for me. “In my opinion, marriage is more important if people are having children or buying real estate together, and for those whose religion is sufficiently important to them where it is necessary to keep from ‘living in sin.’ “Of course, John could have enough assets that would cover any kind of situation that I mentioned above. “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for Kathy and John to chance it. Furthermore, marriage might spoil the lovely relationship they presently have. I agree with you about the trip West; they should enjoy the time they have together, albeit without complicating the situation.”

Deanne, “Kathy, what are you waiting for? Are you missing something, or did you leave out his criminal record? “John sounds wonderful, loving and kind. He is looking out for you too. You have so much in common.

“If we all lived in fear, the world would not exist. Our hearts are fragile, but I believe we need to understand how important it is to fill our hearts.

“I believe I died when my husband died. I believe my heart longs for a fill up and I also want to give all of me to someone who cares for me and may need me.

“I’ve been a widow (after the most wonderful 33 years) for almost 10 years now – 8/6/2014. I can’t believe it’s been this long living alone. My heart is bursting at the seams with the love I want to give to someone else.

“Our lives are all giant leaps of faith. You need to jump again. Today is it, don’t waste any of the precious time you could be living with John.

“I know over 100 women looking for their ‘John.’

“Good luck, free fall into his life now. Don’t wait.”

Jane, “I am a skeptic and have two girlfriends who have lost a lot of money to scammers. One never met the man but gave him money.

“The other (a senior) had dated a man for a year. He went to church with her every Sunday. He had a house that she would go to. Everyone was on board and excited that these two wonderful people had found each other.

“She was wealthy and after a year she sent him an extremely large amount of money. He disappeared never to be seen again. In Kathy’s situation, John told her he has bone cancer. Has she been to a doctor’s appointment with him? If they married, would her assets immediately become his assets?

“I would not marry someone to make it easier for paperwork. I wish Kathy the best. There is a chance that he is completely on the up and up. But there is also a chance that he is not. I wouldn’t take the risk.”

Part 2 – Keeping Senior Dating Simple

Champ Mark emailed, “A single friend in Newport Beach has been in the dating game for several years. He has developed a list of criteria he calls ‘5S’ that he uses when evaluating potential partners.”

Single
Sane
Straight
Sober
Solvent
I responded to Mark. “Here could be three more:
Sumptuous
Stunning
Startling

“If only senior dating were so SIMPLE.”

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 23, 2024

By Columnist Thomas P Blake

In Senior Dating Difficult Choices Emerge

Fifteen years ago, a woman named Kathy attended a senior singles gathering at Tutor & Spunky’s, my Dana Point Deli. Her 42-year marriage had ended. She now lives on the East Coast, near her children. A while back, she wrote to tell me she had remarried, but was widowed just two years later.

Last week, Kathy emailed, “This past September I was called on two different Wednesdays to volunteer by answering the phones at my church office. At the end of each day, I went to supper where my church provides meals for those getting off work and others who are at church attending classes being offered.

“On both Wednesdays, I sat at the same table with friends from my Sunday School class. Each time the only chair available was next to John. On the second Wednesday, John shared how he would like me to be his friend. We even shook hands on it.

“Since then, our times together have involved eating out and going to activities or movies. We laugh a lot and he’s full of stories of his cowboy-roping days and places he lived growing up and helping his dad on oil riggs. All his stories have been interesting.

“I’ve enjoyed our friendship but have drawn back when he expressed that he really liked me. I’ve reminded him that we are just friends. Based on my history, I’m a bit vulnerable and protective of getting too involved in a relationship.

“His age (80) and his health are drawbacks to me.

“When I mentioned his age to my cousin, she, aware that I am 76, said with a smirk, ‘And how old are you? A four-year age difference is no big deal.’

“John’s a diabetic and he’s told me he has bone cancer. I’m finding that my suggestions on health have helped him in keeping his blood sugar down. He is open to my ideas and went to a good health store and is taking a protein drink, etc.

“This week he said that when he passes away, he wants me to have all his assets—including his house, car, and bank accounts. He went to a financial person to put it into action.

“He also stated if I would marry him, it would be simple as my name would be on all his things.

“You know me a little bit, Tom, and I’m not one to go jump on this and take advantage. I am praying for answers and looking also to my children who like John and want me to be happy.

“He wants to take a train trip out West. Time will tell.

“Your thoughts, Tom?”

Tom’s response to Kathy

“Kathy, the big lesson in your story, is that your meeting John shows when older singles get off the couch and out of the house and involved in activities (like senior volunteering) they enjoy, they improve their chances of meeting a potential mate.

“John sounds like a gentleman. He obviously cares a lot about you. You state that his age and health are holding you back. Aware of your past, I understand why you are hesitant.

“However, your cousin is right. Don’t let a four-year age difference stop you.

“Plus, when you meet someone with whom you are compatible–including attending the same church and sharing similar religious beliefs–consider yourself blessed.

“John’s health is an understandable concern. Diabetes can be controlled through a proper diet, medications, and lifestyle.

Bone cancer is of course a worry. Still, he could outlive you. It sounds like you’ve already helped him deal with his health issues, which he appreciates. Love each other now. Take that train trip out west.

“Regarding his estate. Does he have any children or other beneficiaries? He loves you and wants you to have his assets. What an incredible gesture. If he leaves you more than you need, you can pass that on to loved ones and the church you two share.

“Senior Marriage? Well, that’s up to you and John. He can still leave you his assets without tying the knot. Many seniors don’t want to marry again.”

Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?

On Life & Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 16, 2024

Columnist Tom Blake

Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?

A woman Champ from the Midwest emailed and asked to remain anonymous so I will call her Dawn. She raised a question that’s been around for the 30 years I’ve written about senior dating: Who pays for the date?

And if a relationship develops, how do couples deal with expenses? Who pays for what?

Dawn is involved in a long-distance relationship. Her manfriend lives approximately 2,000 miles away. Long-distance relationships usually have added expenses, mainly the cost of travel to see each other, which Dawn alludes to.

Her email subject line read: “Dating over 60 and many miles apart…”

And then she continued, “I know there are many variables to consider, but given two average-income people, how much is a woman expected to pay?

“Airfare, dinners, hotels, outings, vacations…Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?

“If the man pays for the flight to come visit, is it fair to say the woman pays for the meals and any fun events planned while visiting if they are all initiated by the woman?

“Or if I am the one traveling west, and during my stay I want to eat out at a restaurant out of my norm…because I initiated it, should I be paying for it there?

“There is still a lot to be said for men who are complete gentlemen; opening all doors, standing up at the table when the woman stands up, helping and carrying her coat., etc. These are all so perfectly done for me, always, and I am just trying to understand the money part.

“My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.

“I understand they come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.

“They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.

“Have times changed?

“I don’t want to be a fool in love; I just want to feel supported while in love.”

Tom’s Comments

Who Pays For The Date? has been a controversial topic for years. In my 30-years of writing about senior dating, I’ve written about it several times and I published an eBook in 2009 titled “Senior Dating. Who Pays For the Date?” Details about the availability of that book are at the end of today’s column.

Back to Dawn’s email. Some of our men Champs may take offense to a few of the sentences.

For example, this one: “Unless the male in the relationship is very well off, is it the norm to split most expenses 50/50?”

The question infers that men who are well off should pay for everything. Love and relationships are about sharing. Not about a man paying for everything if he is well off.

And it’s important to note that women who are well off shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because they can.

Three more sentences that could be offensive to men

And then there were three other sentences that some men might find offensive.

1 “My older female friends feel strongly that I am crazy, and that I should be paying for nothing.”

2 “I understand they (her older women friends) come from an era 25-40 years prior and can’t relate to dating in their sixties.”

3 “They have all told me if their husbands passed tomorrow, they would never go down the dating or marriage road again.”

Regarding sentence #1, some men might suggest she should stop listening to her older female friends who are out of touch with the reality of modern times senior dating. Women pay nothing?

Regarding sentence #2, that her friends who have that attitude come from an era 25-40 years ago, that they can’t relate to dating in their 60s.

Let me tell you how quickly attitudes can change when people from that era suddenly lose their loved one. I speak from experience. I never dreamed that I’d have to relate to dating at my age. I was three years older than Greta and assumed I would pass before her. And suddenly, she was gone. I had to relate to dating in my 80s and no, I wasn’t about to pay for everything.

However, if I initiated the first date, I would pay for everything. Even if I didn’t initiate it. And probably the first few dates.

Regarding sentence #3, if those women lost their husbands, they would never go down the dating path again. Let me tell those women, that after sitting home night after night and being lonely, they might change their tune. Maybe they would go down the dating path again. Of course, if they did, they would have to change their thinking and not be so anti-men.

So, what about senior singles who find a new mate? Who pays what? How is that decided? Through open and honest communication, love for each other, and fairness considered, each couple will develop their guidelines for sharing expenses. A person who is more well off than their partner, and who can do it financially, will often help the partner they care about with the partner’s finances.

However, one thing is certain, neither person will likely pay 100 percent of the expenses.

Will there be occasions when the men will pay more? Of course. And where a woman will pay more. Yes.

My eBook, “Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date?” is available on www.Smashwords.com. Just type in my name in the search box and all the eBooks that I’ve published will appear. The cost for the Senior Dating. Who Pays For The Date is $2.39. It can be read online or downloaded to your device.

Smashwords was recently acquired by Draft2digital.com so you may have to go draft2digital.com to purchase the book. Here are the links to both sites.

www.smashwords.com

www.draft2digital.com

Reader Responses To Gummies vs. Alcohol in Senior Dating

On Love And Love After 50 eNewsletter

February 2, 2024

By Tom Blake Senior Dating Expert

Responses From Champs to Gummies vs Alcohol

Two weeks ago, the eNewsletter included a woman’s comments regarding a Gummies vs. Alcohol issue she and her boyfriend of four years were having.

She wrote, “I still work so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while making dinner. It can take the ‘edge’ off from work.

She added that if she goes out, she won’t drive if she has more than two glasses of wine.

Also, she said, “I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live 30 miles apart. He would rather I not drink. There was a time he drank too much, but stopped 15 years ago, cold turkey, just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and ingest cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and, together we have a great time when taking them. We dance, laugh, tell silly stories, etc.”

Tom’s comment: (I wonder what she means by “etc?” I see a couple of you smiling at that comment.)

She continued: “The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would prefer I stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for me than alcohol. So, we argue about Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do Champs think?

Eight Responses From Champs

Only one man responded directly to this issue. Two men said they were looking forward to reading the responses. Several men talked about non-related topics.

Here’s what the seven women said:

ST (a woman Champ) “Gummies vs Chardonnay – what business is it of his? This is manipulative and controlling. Give in to his demands and who knows what awaits down the line? He should keep his own council.”

Beach Girl, “It’s a good thing that the gummy lover lives 30 miles away and only sees Ms. Chardonnay on weekends. He had a problem with alcohol so he’s transferring his past issues onto her – it’s a control thing. Tell Ms. Chardonnay to enjoy her wine and ignore his preaching. If he doesn’t lay off, dump him.”

Linda, “My thoughts about Chardonnay versus gummies are she should have her glass or two during the week when she’s home. Maybe the gummies on weekends. I guess she isn’t telling us the truth and is drinking during the week too. I don’t believe everything people tell me.”

Jeanne, “Driving on gummies is just as bad as on alcohol!”

Althea, “I think this anonymous woman has already figured it out. She wants to know if this relationship will work when she drinks, and he does not. He takes cannabis gummies, she does also, but only to please him.

“They live in separate homes and have been seeing each other for four years, so apparently the arrangement is working out for them.

“She said they probably will never move in together because they like their own homes and that the alcohol vs. gummies issue might cause problems if they did. So, what is the real issue? They are in a LAT relationship, and it will last as long as the arrangement is working, and both are content. Right?

“Though I wonder how often he is trying to get her to stop the alcohol and instead take gummies with him, because to me that is a small red flag, controlling behavior.

“Bottom line: If you care (love) someone you take them as they are, especially in our senior years when our long lives have made us who we are and change of habits rarely happens.”

Kaitte: “Short and sweet. That’s the pot calling the kettle black–his gummies. His problem; not hers. She enjoys her wine after working all week. If a man consistently told me what to do, the weekender would be no more.”

Elenute, “Hopefully, there are some things they enjoy about each other besides whatever substances he or she uses.

“My former boyfriend tended to have one drink a night and drank socially occasionally. I don’t drink at all. It was never a problem for us.

“As long as neither one drives high, it’s up to you to drink or do gummies, whatever you prefer. Why is he telling you what to do? Is there a pattern there?”

Jim, “I hope the woman communicates her desire to enjoy a glass of wine to him so he understands more. He shouldn’t be trying to change the situation now or ever.

“He should realize he won’t change her; he needs to back off and enjoy getting the ‘edge’ off in his way. This gummies vs. alcohol issue isn’t worth losing the relationship over. They both can adjust and still have fun together. She seems open to using gummies at different times whereas some people won’t be open to gummies at all.”

Tom’s reply: I was surprised that so few men commented, but Jim’s words are well-spoken. After reading all the opinions, mainly from women, I realized–as a man–that maybe this isn’t a big deal. For many senior couples, it may not be an issue at all.

I asked my partner, Debbie Sirkin Psychotherapist, to read the above comments. Her response was like mine. Both of us felt he wasn’t trying to control her by getting her to stop drinking wine.

What Debbie picked up on is that the women who responded may have been ‘projecting’ things from their own lives that may have been problematic for them, either in the past or present.

Debbie added, “I think Althea summed it up best.”

So, Champs, enjoy your wine or pot or gummies, but the important thing is “in moderation.” And if your doctor insists that you stop drinking or smoking pot, consider changing your ways.

Please keep your emails coming. Next week, it’s the Super Bowl and/or Valentine’s. Which to write about? Such a dilemma.

“Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 26, 2024
“Hello I’m Johnny Cash”
By Columnist Tom Blake

”Hello, I’m Johnny Cash”

Anyone who has attended a Johnny Cash concert or seen a video of him performing recognizes his introductory words, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash.”

I heard him say that in person more than 25 times. The most indelible time was inside the walls of San Quentin Prison. I was seated in front of the makeshift stage in row one of the prisoners’ cafeteria, where concerts were held. Approximately 500 unruly and unshackled prisoners were seated nearby. Armed guards with loaded rifles walked on the catwalk 10 feet overhead.

When Johnny walked to the microphone and said, “Hello, I’m Johnny Cash,” the prisoners nearly rioted with joy and yelling. A prisoner seated next to me gently poked me in the ribs and asked, “Who the hell are you?”

I mumbled, “A friend of Johnny’s.”

Most Champs know I worked with Johnny Cash for two years in the mid-1970s. I remained friends with Johnny and his wife June Carter until they sadly passed away in 2003.

I’ve known and remained friends with Rosanne Cash, Johnny’s daughter, for 47 years. I attempt to meet with her backstage whenever she performs in Southern California. Last September, Champ Mike joined me backstage at Chapman University; he was thrilled to meet Rosanne. (See the picture below of Mike S. and Rosanne)

A few weeks ago, Champ Dee sent me an alert that The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience international tour was appearing on January 21 at the Segerstrom Center For The Arts in nearby Costa Mesa. I thought, maybe I’ll go. Shortly thereafter, Susie Lopez, a Communications Specialist for the Segerstrom Center, contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to attend the event and possibly share the experience with my readers.

Susie said, “This wonderfully nostalgic experience will bring songs and stories to the stage in a special way the audiences have never seen or heard before.” Susie’s words piqued my interest. She continued, “With a video of Johnny from episodes of The Johhny Cash TV Show projected on a screen above the stage, a live band and singers will accompany him in perfect sync.” That description did it for me. I accepted Susie’s invitation.

(There is a link below to the production company website. Highly recommended and informative.)

I asked how she knew that I had known Johnny Cash. She said she had seen the article I wrote for the three South Orange County newspapers (and for this eNewsletter) in September about Champs Jim, Debbie and I attending a Johnny Cash tribute band concert at The Coach House in Dana Point CA.

At this week’s show, Champs Jim, Dee, Wayne, and Nancy stopped by our seats to chat with Debbie and me. It was kind of a senior dating night at Segerstrom. Perhaps some other Champs were there as well. The show was awesome.

During the show, I was nostalgic — reflecting on how fortunate I was to have known Johnny and June — but also how blessed I’ve been throughout my life.

When Johnny sang Kris Kristofferson’s song, “Sunday Morning Coming Down,” on the big screen behind the stage, I about lost it. Johnny had dedicated that song to me in the Sahara Tahoe Resort Hotel ballroom in front of 2,000 people in 1975.

At last Sunday’s concert, one band member triggered my memories: The lead guitarist. Not a man–mind you– but a woman named Debbie Horton. She is the only woman who ever played lead guitar for Johnny. She made me think of Mother Maybelle Carter, June’s mother, who was known for the song “Wildwood Flower.”

Debbie Horton knew every song and always smiled during the concert. I reached out to her by email on Monday morning; she answered immediately. We connected through the common bond of Johnny Cash.

Debbie responded: “It was WONDERFUL to hear from you! I loved how Johnny went back into the studio and recorded the old Sun Records songs with so much energy. “I try my best to play the guitar parts note-by-note and not add or take away. I kind of do a mix of Luther (Perkins) and Bob (Wooten) – depending on the song. Hearing from people who really appreciate what I’m doing means the world to me – and you know what it’s supposed to sound like!”

And then she commented about senior dating: “I lost my husband in 2017 and ‘senior dating’ has its own challenges. I’d like to hear your views on that too.”

So, Debbie Horton will become a Champ, at least to read this article, and maybe to continue receiving the eNewsletter as she is a widow. She lives in Nashville. Her website is listed below.

What three women and one man Champs said about the show

I asked our woman Champs who attended the show for their impressions. Nancy said, “Before the Segerstrom Show, I hadn’t thought that Johnny Cash was as much of a poet as a lyricist — much in the tradition of Bob Dylan. I enjoyed the opportunity to dig deeper into Johnny’s words.”

Tom’s response to Nancy: “Johnny and Bob Dylan became friends. They performed an unforgettable duet when they sang, ‘Girl From The North Country,’ which was featured in the movie, The Bridges of Madison County and is on the Dylan album, Nashville Skyline. They were so out of sync, they sounded fabulous together with those incredible and powerful voices.

I’ve known Champ Dee for seven years. She attended the singles events at my Dana Point deli. I told her back then that she reminded me of June Carter Cash. Dee emailed Monday, the morning after the show, and mentioned my June Carter look-alike comment from years before: “I kept thinking about your comparison when video/audio clips of June came on the big screen last night, and yes, I can see the similarity connection. I am highly flattered.”

She added, “The main observation from last night was I had no idea how important Johnny’s voice was. I remember watching his show a few times when I was a very young child, which is probably why I didn’t understand the impact that he was making and was so moved by seeing it from the perspective of not only the band but also the moments of his son John Carter Cash talking on the big screen.

“I am tremendously grateful for having the opportunity to have attended last night, which came about because I opened your eNewsletter, thought how fun, reached out to Jim, and logged into my account at the Segerstrom to buy the tickets! Small series of events that led to one extremely memorable evening for me.”

Comment from Tom: “Regarding Johnny’s voice, June often teased him by calling him Old Golden Throat. I heard her say that multiple times.

My friend Debbie said, “What struck me the most was Johnny’s understanding of truth. Even more than that was we all have options or choices. He chose love over hate. I’ve often said that we don’t have control over situations, but rather we have choices about how we react to situations and about our attitude toward self, others, and life. I think Johnny Cash would agree.

“And I loved Johnny’s song, Man in Black. He had incredible empathy for the downtrodden. For example, his song words, ‘I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down…I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime. But is there because he’s a victim of the times…’

“You, Tom, witnessed that live in San Quentin Prison. “(Link to song Man in Black below)

Champ Wayne said, “I enjoyed the combination of clips of his TV show, live band, and singers performances and Johnny’s son’s commentary of a musical icon.”

So, Champs, as you might suspect, this concert at the Segerstrom touched me deeply. I’ve enjoyed sharing the experience. You are all special to me. There are 3 links below:

(1) Lead guitarist Debbie Horton’s website
(2) Johnny singing Man In Black
(3) The 2023-24 Johnny Cash The Official Concert Experience
www.debbiehorton.com

Link to Man In Black

Johnny Cash Concert Experience website

**Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

vs mia parking lot 1975 — **Dee Tom and Debbie at the Concert (below)**

Gummies vs. Alcohol

NL #3 JAN 19, 2024,

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter

By Columnist Tom Blake

From This Week’s Mailbag:

Darla messaged me on Google: “Subject: long-distance dating. I was fortunate to find your Finding Love After 50 website while I was looking for some much-needed advice on long-distance dating. I would love to be educated on what should feel good and what doesn’t.

“My love story has brought many new questions about what I’m used to in the world of dating. I question if it’s the different states he and I live in or the lifestyles we have lived. Can these things change a man and a woman that much over the years?

“Please tell me if I need to say more. I’m a Minnesota woman dating a California guy I met in a Minnesota small-town café while waitressing in the summer of 1979. Sadly, back then we said our goodbyes. Forty years later he finds me.

“Old chemistry remains, but we are two very different people now. I’m hoping my questions are the same as many other single people out there have who are trying to make a relationship work.

Tom’s comment: Sometimes I receive comments from readers on Messenger. I always respond and provide the person with my email address, which I did with Darla. I told her I needed more information to give her a helpful answer.

And as often happens on Messenger, I get no response. This happened with Darla. A long-distance relationship between Minnesota and California must be difficult. How often would people see each other? Who would be willing to move? After 45 years of not seeing each other, does the “old chemistry” really remain? We may never know.

Francine emailed, “I’m still on the dating sites. One guy wanted to meet me but gave me a difficult time in arranging it. Then he said let’s talk on the phone. Okay, I said, how about Tuesday at 6 p.m?

“He said, “Would you text me at 5 p.m. to remind me?” Ha, that’s a red flag.

“I vaguely thought I knew him from the past. It nagged at me, so I got up at 1 a.m. and looked at my phone contacts with his name and number and sure enough I did know him from a few years ago. I remembered why I never met him in person. He was a pain in the rear … lazy guy. I wrote to him and said, ‘I told you from the beginning I thought I knew you.’ I’m hardly every wrong!”

Army chimed in, “From a never-been-married man, who has been told that I’m a nice guy but … then the women move back to dating guys who cheat on them or are verbally, physically, or both, abusive to them. Then, they wonder why they always get the losers?

“I say, ‘Stop and think, these are the people you chose. You don’t think about the nice guys you left.

“I forget the percentage of people who have never been married, but the last time I looked, I thought it was surprisingly high.”

Gummies vs. Alcohol

A woman Champ who requested to remain anonymous,wrote: “I still work, so I don’t drink alcohol during the week. However, come Friday and Saturday, I like nothing more than opening a bottle of Chardonnay and enjoying it while I am making dinner. If I do go out, I will have two or three glasses of wine. If more than two, I won’t drive.

“I see my boyfriend of almost four years on weekends only. We live about 30 miles apart, So, when he sees me and comes over, I usually have some wine open. I never drink to get drunk or stupid silly, it’s just for enjoyment and a reward from working hard all week, taking care of the home, paying bills, doing chores, etc.

“It helps take the ‘edge’ off. He would rather that I don’t drink at all as he does not. (There was a time he drank too much, stopped about 15 years ago, cold turkey, never went to an AA meeting in his life). Just stopped.

“However, he does like to smoke pot on occasion and do cannabis-infused gummies. I must say the gummies are loads of fun and together we have a great time when doing them. We dance, we laugh, tell silly stories, etc.

“The problem is I still prefer my Chardonnay over the gummies. He would rather me stop drinking alcohol and just take the gummies. He swears they are way better for you than alcohol. So, we argue about that: Gummies vs. Alcohol. What do your champs think about that?

“Do relationships work when one drinks (socially) and the other does not drink at all?

He and I will probably never move in together; he likes his home, I like mine and sometimes I think if we did live with one another, that might cause problems for us, so I guess we will continue to be together and live apart.

Tom’s comment. I’ve never written on your topic. It will be interesting to hear what Champs say. I will add this: Do not drive even after one glass of wine, and certainly not after two glasses or more. Not only do you endanger yourself and other people, but a DUI in California will cost approximately $20,000. Your driver’s license will be suspending, you will have to attend six months of school, and an interlock device and breath analyzer will be installed on your car. Simply not worth it.

I hope Champs respond to this woman’s question.

Single woman Champ in Dana Point is still seeking a roommate

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that two women Champs were seeking roommates in South Orange County, California. One of the women, from Dana Point, is still looking. I saw her last week; she mentioned she’s still hoping to find a nice woman roommate, but doesn’t want a person who works from home. She is a delightful woman and has a very nice home.

If interested, email me at tompblake@gmail.com and I will forward your information to her.

Responses to Multiple Marriages

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 12, 2024
Responses to Multiple Marriages Column last week
By Columnist Tom Blake

Multiple Marriages in Later Life?
(photo by Tom Blake)

Responses to last week’s Multiple Marriages

In reviewing the responses from Champs to last week’s eNewsletter, “Do Multiple Marriages Matter?”, I came upon an article on the UPI News website that surprised me. Before sharing that with you, here are nine responses to last week’s eNewsletter.

Eileen emailed, “My wonderful late husband, who was my second, had been married twice before, making me number three. We had 26 great years together and I always say, ‘I’m the one who made him happy.’”

Deanne: “I think there can be too many marriages. Sometimes we have bad luck and not much experience and that could count for (#1). Death could count for (#2). I married a murderer could count for (#3). I don’t know what others think but five or more do not motivate me.

“One of my meetup dates asked me why I answered his messages when he had been married three times already. I told him I was rolling the dice and didn’t have much to lose. He had no sense of humor, and I had my answer to the three previous marriages. Only one date and I paid for my meal.”

Laurie Jo: “Marriage is a serious commitment. I chose to divorce after 29 years. I will never marry again because I don’t want to ever go through divorce again. It was horrible. “If somebody had married twice, I’d be ok with it.

Anything over that? No. Marriage is an agreement and even as I’ve reached my senior years if somebody has been married over two times I am out. It means the person has no sense of commitment, or it means that person was a bad “picker.”

Sandy, “There is no need to be scared off by the number – until you investigate the circumstances. Caveat: Eight would still cause me to take a breath.”

Bruce, “Any number over three would be a red flag for me unless they had all passed away somehow.”

Chris (woman) “While I’ve been dating for a few months, I’ve met two gentlemen who have never been married and have no children. As a woman who was married once for 25 years, I find this curious. “Both men said they had relationships, but they never developed into marriage. What do you think of this kind of man? I’m not interested in marriage again, but it makes me think they aren’t capable of a commitment either.”

Linda, “I think the number of marriages or serious relationships can matter because if you have been married seven times, these have not been long relationships. It hints that a person may be difficult to get along with.”

Carol, “I would be concerned after three times, my personal number. It’s funny that it doesn’t seem to matter how many companions a person has had, but the legal partner? Then it comes down to personal judgment.

“To me at this magical age, I’d be more concerned If I met a man who could put his entire life into a black trash bag, eager to move in with me, that would trigger every red flag bell and whistle. There are people out there ready at a moment’s notice who bring their toothbrush on the first date!

“That’s fine when you are young–first starting out in life–but if you look the exact same at this end as you did in the beginning, learning that you have done nothing with your life, and you live from one social security check to the next, I might enjoy a conversation, but certainly nothing more.”

Claire, “This subject made me think of my 2nd marriage to Larry. My first marriage lasted 22 years. Larry had been married 4 times when I met him.

“After three years together, we married against my better judgement, I was crazy in love with him but I had seen the red flags about his not being a good bet for the ‘long haul.’

“I was his fourth wife, fifth marriage…he married the second wife twice. Larry came into my life at a time when my teenage son was giving me a lot of problems. He stepped up to meet the challenge and my children in turn loved him!

“After 7 years together though, I caught him with another woman and his affair ended things. We had seven beautiful years together and I do not regret them – just the last six months that I knew something was wrong. He passed away in 2017. He was the love of my life!

“So, my theory on this was that Larry was sent to me at the right time of my life for a reason…for a season BUT not forever. It ended badly but I am always grateful for the years he loved both me and my children. I have never loved another man like I loved Larry and probably never will.”

Senior men, be careful dating women in foreign countries

In reviewing the above responses from Champs, I came upon an article on MSN.com, a UPI News article regarding marriage in South Korea. It was titled, “South Korea’s gender imbalance is bad news for men – outnumbering women, many face bleak marriage prospects,” written by Dudley L. Poston Jr., a Professor of Sociology, at Texas A&M University. It sounded like the opposite situation of what single senior 70-plus women face in the USA, a ratio of between four to seven to one single women to single men.

Poston wrote, “South Korea’s bachelor time bomb is about to really go off. Following a historic 30-year-long imbalance in the male-to-female sex ratio at birth, young men far outnumber young women in the country. As a result, some 700,000 to 800,000 ‘extra’ South Korean boys born in the mid-1980s may not be able to find South Korean girls to marry.”

Poston added, “…similar trends are playing out in China, Taiwan, and India.” In our December 15 eNewsletter, Brutus Buckeye, a male Champ we featured, stated that he had little success finding an American woman to date. Brutus concluded his comments with, “And this is a joke, don’t take it seriously, but I may have to go overseas for a nice foreign lady!”

Here’s my comment on Brutus’s last sentence: We have three men Champs, each of whom I know personally, who did what Brutus jokingly stated. They went overseas and married women from foreign countries. All three of the women ended up divorcing those men and made the men’s lives miserable, so you senior single men who might be pondering that strategy, rethink it.

There is a shortage of single women in South Korea, Taiwan, and India. Probably, in other countries as well.

However, there are plenty of fine single, senior women in the USA and Canada, and within our Champs’ group, who would make ideal mates. Why not try a little harder to meet one?

Do Multiple Marriages Matter?

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 5, 2024
Do Multiple Marriages Matter?
By Columnist Tom Blake

2024 Column One

In senior dating, does the number of marriages matter?

In November 2009, I wrote a column titled, “Should multiple senior dating marriages matter when seeking a mate?”

I wrote on that topic because a woman named Marjorie had emailed, “I met ‘William’ two weeks ago at a musical theatre performance. I’m 63, he is 66.

“We’ve both been married before, but neither has been widowed. Should the number of marriages matter to either of us? How many marriages before it becomes a red flag?”

She added that she had been married three times, but William had dodged the question although he told her his most recent marriage had been short-lived and bitter. Marjorie and William had been on only two dates. I replied to Marjorie: “Egad, woman, give it some time! If you press the ‘How many times married’ issue, you may chase him away before you find out how many times he’s been married. Since he’s reeling from a recent bitter marriage experience, the last thing he may want to do is defend himself or talk about it.

“Instead, why not enjoy the moment and forget about his marriage tally? It is not uncommon these days (reminder, this was in 2009) for people our age to have had more than one marriage. Does that make us tainted? Does that mean we’re bad people? No.

“I’ve had three marriages, and my partner Greta of 11 years (remember this was written in 2009) had three also. Having the same number of marriages was one of the things we had in common when sharing information on the first date, so it was a good thing we both had multiple marriages.

“And now that we are SLT (seniors living together) we’ve got the best relationship I could ever hope for. Neither of us wants marriage. Neither of us would want the number four emblazoned in scarlet upon our chests, but that’s not the reason we haven’t married.”

2024 Update on How Many Marriages

And so, here we are, 14 years later, with the first eNewsletter of 2024 looking again at the How Many Marriages issue in senior dating. Does the number of marriages a potential partner had matter? Not really, but at Marjorie’s age now, 77, assuming she’s still on this earth, I wonder if this question still puzzles her? I’ve lost track of her so I can’t ask her. Plus, I wonder if she and William had or have a relationship now.

Here are my thoughts on “Does the number of marriages matter in 2024?” Right off the top, I say hell no. However, if the number exceeds four, or the number is zero, I think the couple needs to discuss the whys and why not of the marriage number. Just to understand what happened.

Last year, a few months after Greta passed away, I decided my life would be more fulfilling if I had a woman partner in it. So, I started dating. The number of marriages a potential mate had didn’t matter. So, I thought.

The first woman of interest had been married five times. But that didn’t matter to me. I had known her for years and she had many fine qualities. But she very quickly moved on. It wasn’t the number of marriages either one had, it was most likely the age difference. I was merely 23-years-older.

Another woman of interest was a widow. Her husband was 25 years older. I didn’t know if he had been her only husband until one night when we were enjoying an adult beverage, I asked her if it mattered that I had been married three times. She said no.

I said, “How about you? She said, “Seven.” I responded, “You’ve been married seven times?” She became irked with my question and that was our final date. She had had enough of me, and I was scared to continue dating her. There were other reasons why we didn’t go out again as well.

And then my friend Jim Fallon and I met an attractive woman in the parking lot of a restaurant where we’d just had breakfast. We had seen her sitting by herself and had waved at her and she waved back. When she walked past us outside, we said hello and told her we were both single men who had lost our partners in 2022. She said she was widowed after 11 years of marriage. She said she was in her early 60s.

She and I had one date, but she didn’t want to get involved. When Jim and I saw her at breakfast at the same restaurant three months later, we asked her to join us to chat for a few minutes. The topic of the number of previous marriages came up.

I asked her if she had been married more than once. She nodded yes. I held up two fingers. She said no. Three fingers. She said no. Four fingers, no. Five fingers, no. Six fingers, yes (finally). Jim and I were dumbfounded. Her answer surprised us. She had been married six times.

She was such a soft-spoken, seemingly confident, and shy person. We didn’t ask for details, and she wasn’t about to offer them.

Does the number of times a person has been married at our senior age in 2024 matter? Not as much as in 2009.

However, I will say this. Most singles 75-plus don’t want to remarry but most of them would relish a nice relationship, regardless of the number of times a potential new partner was married. Just don’t tell me married eight times. My heart probably couldn’t handle that number.