Tom Blake

Senior Online Dating

By Tom Blake – Senior Dating Columnist

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter

More Insights Into Senior Online Dating

Senior dating issues and senior dating advice and senior love

Last week’s “Online Deal Breakers and Deal Makers” eNewsletter elicited a wealth of comments from our Champs. Today, we include several of those responses.

Gloria emailed, “I found my love on Match.com three-plus years ago. He is turning 85 and I am almost 82. It truly is never too late. We lived 45 minutes apart when we met. We are now living full-time together in Palm Desert (near Palm Springs).”

Cheri, “Your beloved has been gone five months and here you are on a quest for another relationship already? That is quite disheartening to me.”

Tom’s response to Cheri’s comment comes from the above-pictured quote attributed to Elvis Presley, which is in a caption under a photo of Johhny Cash and Elvis on my wall at home:

“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.”

Often, with older couples who have been together for years, they tell each other that when one passes first, the other should attempt to find a nice mate to help get through the difficult times of grief ahead. It’s kind of a green light each person gives the other. It’s an unselfish thing to do.

Greta and I did that. Does that mean you love your deceased mate less? Hell no; it means you need to make the best of the remaining years remaining. You need to attempt to move forward.

And if any reader thinks writing about this has been easy for me, they’ve got another guess coming. I’m just trying to help.

Larry, a Champ and long-time friend of mine wrote this week, “At our age, you and I may not have three years to let the dust settle. Who knows? No time to wait.”

And Champ Jean commented, “Tom, you are a great guy, and you get it. You deserve a nice, supportive, fun-loving woman. Don’t settle for mediocre. Good luck in your quest for companionship.”

Wayne, “I know how much you loved Greta and the last few months must have been difficult and lonely. On the brighter side, we only have so many years left and there are many nice women who would love your companionship. You are a catch!”

Thyrza, “Everything you stated in last week’s newsletter happened to me. One romance scammer who lived nearby posted a photo of himself that was 20 years old. When we met in person, he looked like he had walked across the Sahara Desert. We met for coffee but weren’t a match.

“There were other negative experiences as well. It takes patience and smartness not to get into a tricky situation. I did not give up until I met my current man.”

Cheryl, “Matt and I met on OK Cupid. What I really liked about that site was the availability of thousands of questions that can be answered. The answers are multiple-choice, but each answer has a space where you can write a comment/explanation of your answer.

“Matt had answered over 400 questions, most of which included an explanation, and I had answered over 600 questions with explanations when we started communicating. So, we already knew much about each other before our initial contact.

“When I was ‘surfing’ the site, I found it very helpful to be able to read responses from guys on certain issues I was concerned about. I could determine ‘deal breakers’ easily and not contact that person. One guy, for example, responded that he likes dogs but ‘not in my house.’ My dogs have always been in my house, so that was an immediate deal-breaker for me.

“No scammer is going to go to the trouble of answering hundreds of questions! They all seem to follow basically the same format of answering a few similar questions typically written in very poor English!”

“I’m glad you’ve decided to jump into online dating. I think the age issue is extremely variable in terms of impact. Some people are old at 50 and others are still young at 80. Our physical status impacts us but so does our attitude!

“Take good care, and I hope you find a loving partner for ‘the rest of the journey.’”

Mary, a woman I started going steady with on January 9, 1955 (68 years ago), set me straight by writing, “After reading through your assessment of dating-meeting websites, I can think of no reason why you would continue. Get out: volunteer. You know the drill.”

Tom’s response to Mary’s comment. After all these years, she’s still trying to set me straight! (said with a grin). I agree that volunteering and other forms of face-to-face activities are important in one’s quest to meet a mate. However, the process of meeting someone in that way can take a great deal of time. And I don’t have time to waste. So sure, do some of those things but cast a wide net. And consider adding internet dating to your repertoire!

One positive of internet dating is that you can reach out to a multitude of people in minutes who fit your criteria (Of course, some or many of them will likely be scammers).

Terri, “I wondered how long it would take you to dive into the dating pool. I wish you the very best of luck, you may well be on the adventure of a lifetime! I hope you share some of those adventures with your Champs.

“I spent six years on dating sites after my divorce (33 years of marriage). It took me from my mid-60s into my 70s. I met some real doozies. I also met several nice men who I still consider to be great friends. I have not been on a dating site for two years. I have a steady date who is wonderful and loyal, and a couple of lovely men who still call me to see if their luck might have changed.

“Match.com is a good place to start and still the best place that we have to meet other singles and potential friends. Good luck and my best to you.”

Barb, “I gave up on online dating. One guy I met professed to be Catholic and fully following the teachings. After we communicated for several months, I spent most of the day visiting him. He picked me up at the airport. After getting into his vehicle, his first words were, ‘I went to the VA to get tested, and I’m clean, good to go.”

“I responded, ‘If that’s your idea of a first date, you can take me back to the airport. After the air was cleared, we had an enjoyable day. No romantic connection, but we are still texting friends.”

Althea, “From your newsletter last week, I can see that your loneliness is getting to you. So, you joined Match.com. Welcome to frustration and disappointment. I think the biggest red flags and the people to stay away from are the ones who are over the top and obsessed on any subject…politics, religion, looks, weight, age, exes, their family, and pets…run fast.

“I bet your next honey will be the woman you bump into at the supermarket or park or walking down the street…maybe paddle boarding? Or a friend says, ‘I have someone I want you to meet.’”

Judith, “Five years after my husband of 45 good years passed, I was ready for a new guy. We met on Match and after months of dates and talks, we became a couple. We’ve been together for five years and share good times. We both have our own homes but spend nights together. Thanks for your words of wisdom.”

Laurie Jo, “Regarding online dating, I never found a match and I dated like it was a job. Had up to three coffee dates a day. Kept notes.

“I was the target of a scam that wasn’t obvious at first. This person invested a lot of time on the phone with me. But it all became clear when he was ‘stuck in UAE due to customs taking his gemstones’ and he needed $2,000.

“I said, ‘Not my problem’ and he never called again.”

Elenute emailed, “I’ve been on dating sites for six years. SilverSingles is a terrible site: over 90% of what I’ve received are scams. I’m getting pretty good at sorting them out. I’m ready to cancel the two dating sites I’m on when my subscriptions run out.”

Tom’s ending remarks: From the comments above, there is little doubt that online dating for people 50-plus is a huge challenge. All sites have scammers. Profile pictures often aren’t current. I noticed that some women make an honest effort to put “date picture taken” captions under their photos. I wrote to some of those women and thanked them for being honest about their pictures.

Which senior dating sites are the best? I found an article dated March 3, 2023, in a San Francisco Bay area local newsletter called The Daily. The article is titled, “10 Best Senior Dating Sites for Mature Singles Over 40.”

That article does a thorough job of ranking the sites. Perhaps read it and study the reviews. Here’s the link:

https://www.sfgate.com/market/article/best-senior-dating-sites-17242542.php

As I wrote last week: Remember, it only takes finding the right one for you. Easier said than done, but don’t give up trying.

Senior dating: Deal Makers/Deal Breakers

By Tom Blake NL

March 10, 2023

Senior Dating: Deal Makers/Deal Breakers

By Tom Blake – author and columnist

After sitting at home alone for five months after losing, Greta, my partner of 25 years, with the exception of having had a few casual coffee dates, two meals out, and attending some social events, I decided I needed to do more reaching out to meet other senior singles. I had grown weary of listening to Collin Raye’s March 1994 song “Little Rock,” which is one of the most powerful loneliness songs I’ve ever listened to. (see link at the end of today’s article).

I’ve heard from many seniors who say they’ve met a new partner using online dating sites. On one particularly lonely Monday night, I decided to join Match.com. Here’s what I’ve learned after one week.

There are a plethora of quality senior women on Match. From scanning their profiles, here are a few facts that I consider to be deal makers or deal breakers.

A person’s listed age. It doesn’t mean the age listed is accurate. Someone who posted their profile a few years ago may have subsequently changed their birth date so that the posted age next to their picture is lower than their true age. However, I think most ages listed are accurate. At my age, 80+, lots of people will pass me by for a younger version.

Photos. This is huge. Often, but not with everyone, the thumbnail photo on the home page was taken 5-10+ years earlier. So, be ware of outdated thumbnail photos.
One needs to scroll through all the photos posted by that person (some people post 10 to 20 photos and more recent photos reveal how a person has aged). You must almost become a detective doing your sleuthing to determine what a person looks like currently. Boy-oh-boy, people can age quickly. I think of Rod Stewart’s song Maggie May, when he sings, “The morning sun when it’s in your face really shows your age.”

Also, some people don’t put captions under their photos that reveal when their photos were taken. They just leave the captions blank. Or they include a caption, for example, that says, “Summer of 2016.” Then you have to say to yourself, ok, add seven years to envision how the person looks in 2023.

Some people post pictures of flowers or of them in restaurants with a bunch of friends with a caption that might say, “Here I am with my women friends in a restaurant in Rome in 2010.” Or they post photos of themselves wearing hats so large their faces are so dark you can’t see what they look like. Many don’t show full-body pictures, so you have no idea of what their bodies look like.

Not to mention. They post pictures of themselves holding their dog or dogs. Or, pictures of the dog by itself. Senior daters aren’t looking to date a dog; they want to date a real-life human being.

The next item I look for is political party affiliation. I like to see “Moderate” or “No party affiliation” listed. I don’t want to match up with a screaming conservative or a screaming liberal. I’ve seen profiles that state, “All politicians are corrupt.” Party affiliation might not be a deal breaker in a relationship but two people would need to judge that for themselves.

An important consideration is how far away a person lives from where I live. Long-distance relationships are challenging. If a person lives more than a half hour away by car it will be difficult to see each other often enough. I don’t look at a profile if a person lives far in the Los Angeles area. If I ever get into another committed relationship, I’d hope to be with that person four to six nights a week.

One thing I discovered is by widening my search radius by 10-30 miles, I am getting posts from people in the Palm Springs area. That’s important to me as I will be spending a lot of time at my vacation home out there. It would be nice to meet a new friend who lives in the Coachella Valley instead of hanging out in an Agua Caliente Casino looking senior love or for luck.

Many women have pets, particularly dogs, and then cats. Some have horses. I don’t have a problem with that. However, if every picture posted shows them with their animals, that can be a turnoff.

Online dating for seniors isn’t a picnic or a candy store. It takes effort, time, energy, honesty, decency, patience, and creativity. One needs thick skin because rejection is part of the game.

Senior online daters need to remember the adage: “All it takes is one.” And that’s what most senior singles are looking for.

As time goes on, I’ll try to keep you posted on my online dating adventure. Until then, here’s the link to that Collin Raye song. Get your hankies out.

I’m Not Lisa – finding senior love

On Life and Love After 50 eNewsletter March 3, 2023, by Tom Blake columnist

I’m Not Lisa

“I just read your February 10, 2023, eNewsletter about ‘Joan’ and her concerns about being compared to a previous spouse. I’d like to comment on that article and a bit about grief.

“My husband Matt is a widower, and I am (twice) divorced. We live in Mt. Vernon, Ohio. There is grief experienced in both situations. Matt was married to his first wife for 25 years. I was married the first time for 25 years and the second time for 18 years. There is no way, having been married for 25 or 43 years, that it’s possible to avoid talking about previous marriages.

“I read your eNewsletter to Matt this morning, and he commented that it is possible to still love a previous spouse but also love and appreciate a new partner. When I learned about Matt’s experience with his wife, I was glad that he had loved her and continued to feel love for her.

“If a person has been in a loving relationship that he or she highly values, I feel they can engage in a loving relationship again. I think ‘Joan’ should consider it a positive thing that a potential partner would describe his previous relationship as loving and even as ‘the love of his life.’

“That was the ‘love of his life’ then, but it doesn’t mean that he can’t find ‘the love of his life’ now. The key, as you, Tom, wrote, is to make each other a top priority and focus on the new relationship.

“I’ll share with you a couple of issues that arose with Matt and me regarding our previous spouses. I moved into the house that Matt and his first wife lived in. It was a house that Matt had not been enthused about but she ‘loved it,’ and he bought it for her. I admit when I moved in, I felt to some extent like I was living in ‘her’ house.

“Graciously, Matt agreed to my ideas of redecorating which I felt we needed to do primarily because he had been trying to sell the house, but it hadn’t been updated from the 70s. An important benefit from the redecorating was that the house now reflected my taste (Matt gave me the green light on the redecorating) and the feeling of living in ‘her’ house greatly diminished.

“Another issue that arose was when we gave each other permission to put family pictures on the refrigerator. Matt put some pictures of his deceased wife on the fridge. Initially, I didn’t think it would bother me as I knew he loved me and was devoted to our relationship.

“Eventually I realized that it bothered me a little seeing pictures of her every time I opened the fridge door! I had not put my ex’s pictures on the refrigerator.

“So, we talked about it and I asked him to keep pictures of her in his office, which he understood and agreed to do. I had not put pictures of my ex-husband where Matt could see them.

“Regarding my ex-husband, occasionally issues have arisen concerning my reaction to some of Matt’s comments that reminded me of my ex’s behavior. Matt has responded by saying, ‘I’m not your ex,’ and we have been able to talk about my reaction and feelings.

“I think especially in the case of a divorce, there are negative experiences that can trigger a reaction even before you are aware of it. The key is to be able to talk about feelings and reassure each other of the love you share and be able to comfort each other for what was lost and/or experienced in the previous relationship.

“As you said, Tom, whether you have been widowed, divorced, or in a committed relationship, grief is experienced over the loss of that loving relationship.

“I think entering a new relationship as a ‘senior’ has different challenges compared to when we are younger. I hope Joan will continue her online search for a new, loving relationship and will be willing to look beyond an initial response from a potential mate.

“My wish is that you Tom are doing well as you move through your grieving process. I am reading a great book, Atlas of the Heart, by Brene’ Brown, a social worker who has researched emotions for decades. Concerning grief, Brown says, “Grief does not obey your plans or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to.

“In that regard, grief has a lot in common with love. When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over. We’re not sad for the rest of our lives, but grief finds a place in our lives.”

Tom’s comment: Cheryl’s story emphasizes the need for open, honest, and drama-free communication among older couples. And how to deal with grief and each person’s pictures of lost loved ones around the house when two seniors move in together. Actually, if they are in a committed relationship and living apart, the pictures will likely still be a subject to discuss and agree upon.

A woman I recently spoke to said to me, “It shouldn’t even matter if the pictures are on the refrigerator door. You just can’t wipe away the years you had together with a person you loved.”

I had to smile when I read Matt’s words to Cheryl, “I’m not your ex.” Those four words reminded me of the 1975 song by Waylon Jennings’ wife, Jessi Colter, titled I’m not Lisa, especially, these words:

“I’m not Lisa

My name is Julie

Lisa left you years ago

My eyes are not blue

But mine won’t leave you

‘Til the sunlight has touched your face.”

It’s an incredibly beautiful, heart-wrenching song. Heavy on steel guitar, which I love. I recommend you listen to it. Jessi’s voice is the best. Here’s the link.

JESSI COLTER- I’M NOT LISA – Bing video

Jessi is 79 now.

Matt and Cheryl Matthes, Mt. Vernon, Ohio, wedding June 2021

Senior Singles Avoid Wasting Time

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter February 17, 2023
More about Senior Singles List Making
By Columnist Tom Blake

Keep the list short

More about making a senior-love list

Last week’s eNewsletter was titled “Make A List.” In that newsletter, I suggested that senior singles make a list of the characteristics they want in a mate and in their relationship. The purpose of a list is to help a person avoid wasting time, money, and emotions on a relationship or a person who is not right for her or him. At our age, we don’t have time to waste.

The above paragraph reminds me of the song, “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights,” by the incredible Tejano/rockabilly singer Freddy Fender, which he wrote in 1959. See the link at the end of today’s column.

A list is merely a dating tool. There is no right or wrong list. And there is no perfect mate. We all have our faults so don’t judge someone too harshly or too quickly. Be flexible.

Many Champs responded to that eNewsletter. Champ Virginia asked, “Is there a list that a man would make?

I responded: “I’ll be happy to do that at the end of today’s article. But I stress that each person’s list will vary according to their values, desires, and experiences. Keep the list short.

The list last week was close to my list, give or take a few items.
Here are comments based on last week’s eNewsletter.

LJ (woman) “I quit dating a very nice man because every room in his house had at least one or two large photos of his deceased wife. One large 2′ x 3′ portrait on the living room wall was a bit overwhelming. Many smaller ones all over. I understand that he loved his wife. That’s very touching. And shows he is a good guy.

“But I felt like she was constantly looking at us! Perhaps this is my problem. Probably is. But it was unsettling to me. “I never said anything to him about the photos but I quit going out with him. I felt like I would never measure up. And that I would always be compared to her. I suppose this is my perception.

“Also, he paid for his son and spouse to live in a condo next door to him. I could see he wanted his intact family close by, at his expense. It was not something I wanted to be a part of. The last thing I needed was somebody glued to the old family.”

Bruce, newly divorced, mentioned a few of his list items. “I will not date someone of the opposite political party.

“Also, regarding availability to date. Some women are so busy with activities that they don’t have adequate time to date, which is very different from men. “Another is geographic distance. I am trying to limit the distance to a 50-mile radius but it seems like the more desirable potential mates are in major cities, 100-200 miles away.

“The last no-no for me is smoking in any way, either casual or regularly.”

Champ Patty said, “My husband died in July, but had dementia for years. I met a nice new man on Zoosx, in December. We spoke for two weeks, via phone and text, every day. We met for coffee, spoke countless hours on the phone, and then spent the day together. It’s been growing since. He’s a retired firefighter and was patient with me and a complete gentleman. He kind of checkmarked everything I asked for.”

Rosemarie, South Africa, “I will send your column to a friend. We have only seen each other two times in a year. He works in the Seychelles, is divorced, and is a bit younger than me. He has three kids and he’s from a large family, one of nine children. On a visit, he made advances toward me. I told him no. So, the next time he was in my country he didn’t contact me.

“He is a preacher of the Bible. I told him he doesn’t practice what he preaches. Did I do the right thing?”

I responded to Rosemarie, “Based on what you explained, I think you did the right thing.”

Ray said, “I never have made a list but it kind of makes sense. Also, in concert with the article, I have never sought a replacement for my wife Mary. On the other hand, I do seek a person with some similar traits she had.”

Wayne emailed, “Liked your list. Many women want to be on ‘scholarship.’”
Knowing Wayne, I think what he means is that some women he meets want to be on a free ride and not share expenses. They expect him to always pay.

Janet wrote, “Good advice. I had no idea where to start. The list is the perfect place.”

Mack emailed, “Re: Joan, from last week; her thoughts, perhaps to the extreme, are not atypical. I think it is normal for a man or woman to compare a new person with a past mate(s).

“I, for one, will never get over losing my first wife back in the 90s. There is never the same innocence of a young relationship down the road in later life.”

More than two years ago, Champ Cheryl wrote this about making a list: “Having children or grandchildren live with them is a deal-breaker for me because I was in that situation in my marriage. The blood relatives of a man seem to come before the new partner.”

“Plus, the political thing has become major. I have met some very nice men with whom I clicked, and then they find out which candidate I support and they break it off immediately.”

Also, two years ago, Champ S (a woman) wrote, “The first attraction is physical. Then we go from there…” I agree with “S.”

Here’s a possible list from a man: (Remember, what this dude wants, he must be willing and able to provide her with the same qualities. Love is a two-way street).

Tom’s suggested characteristics-wanted list

1. There must be a strong physical attraction between us

2. There will be differences from having lived different lives, especially as we’ve aged. We must be willing to compromise. This is where different political beliefs can be lessened to make each other’s views tolerable enough to keep the relationship intact

3. She must be willing to communicate openly and honestly

4. She must make me her top priority (and I must do the same)

5. She must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses (not specific dollar-to-dollar amounts or switching who pays every other time they go out together, but in general)

6. She must be available to see me 3-5 times per week and live within a few miles from me

7. No smoking or drugs

8. Our religious beliefs can be different, but no zealots for me. I believe in a higher power, but I do not attend church. She can attend church, which I respect, but I won’t be attending with her. A plus, she must enjoy sports.

9. She must be kind, considerate, positive, and upbeat, and she must love animals

10. She must take care of her health and we must enjoy being together and feel totally comfortable.

Link to Wasted Days and Wasted Nights by Freddy Fender https:///www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9lkeoxJRxA

Senior Dating – Make A List – Divorced or Widowed

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 10, 2023
Make A List By Columnist Tom Blake

Make A List – Senior Dating – Divorced or Widowed

A senior single woman doesn’t want to be compared to a deceased wife

Joan (not her real name) emailed this week, “I have been a reader of your column for years.”

I was curious how long Joan had been an eNewsletter (I call my readers Champ). I found emails in the archives that she sent in 2011 and 2012.
So, yes, she’s been reading my articles for at least 11 years.

Joan continued, “I recently joined a dating site and am 77 and find that most widowed men seem to start out telling you something like this: ‘I lost the love of my life after a blah blah number of years. We were so happy but now she is gone, and I am looking for someone else.’

“As a woman, am I wrong in taking this to mean they are looking for a replacement for this deceased wife, and will I be compared to how she was?
“What should I think? I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship being compared. I suppose that would be the case also with someone being divorced, right?

“What is your take, Tom, am I being overly sensitive?”

Tom’s answer to Joan:

I think you are caught up in semantics. Widowers and divorced men are not looking for a replacement. That’s not the right word. Rather, they are looking for a new mate, a new opportunity, and a new beginning. Someone to break the loneliness spell that descends upon people—men and women—who have suffered a loss.

They are filling a void and an emptiness that has entered their lives. Note that I said, and women. All are trying to move forward, not replace, and they mean no disrespect to their deceased partner.

Will these widowers and/or divorced men compare you to their ex’s? Perhaps somewhat, that is only natural. If they didn’t have the pain, their former relationship probably wasn’t a positive one and there would be no comparison. Reminder: this applies to widows and divorced women as well, not just to men.

Sometimes, widowed people match up because they understand what each other has gone through and can openly talk about their deceased spouses to each other without jealousy–as long as, they don’t keep bringing up an ex-partner excessively. If they do, they either aren’t ready to date or don’t place a high enough priority on the new person. Divorced or widowed, both grieve.

How does one not compare, if only slightly, a new person to a former mate of a relationship that endured for up to 40 years or more? Instead of being concerned about a person you meet trying to replace a former love or comparing you to his deceased wife, I recommend you make a written list of 10-12 characteristics that you seek in a new relationship/mate and focus on that.

Tom’s Suggested List (you will likely change the order)

1. He makes me his top priority and treats me with respect
2. I am physically attracted to him. And, he must be to me
3. We must enjoy being with each other. And feel comfortable
4. He must not smoke or take recreational drugs
5. He must be financially self-sufficient and willing to share expenses
6. He takes care of his health
7. He must be available to see me three or four times a week or whatever amount of time I desire, but not every day, and not 24/7
8. He must be kind and considerate to others
9. We don’t have to have similar interests, but we do need to have similar core values. We must be somewhat in agreement on politics and religion. Don’t screw up a potentially great relationship over these two items.
10. He must be open to having a new relationship enter his life. And we must be able to talk about our former spouses and mates freely to each other.

And then, at the end of your list, remind yourself, as a knowledgeable good friend of mine says, “There is no perfect.” Your new potential love will not score a perfect 10 on every list item, or perhaps not on any item, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a great partner for you.

If you are too worried about being compared to an ex, get over it, and don’t be too judgmental, you might miss an opportunity with Mr. Right for you. So, yes, Joan, I feel you are being a bit too sensitive.

Sit down, make that characteristics-wanted list, and see how a potential mate matches up with the items on your list. Focus on the list, and not on being compared to an ex-spouse. Happy Valentine’s Day to all Champs.

Stranded in Antigua

Francesca and Dan

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
February 3, 2023
Stranded in Antiqua
By Columnist Tom Blake

Stranded in Antiqua

The June 12, 2020, eNewsletter featured Champs Dan, 75, and Francesca, 73, an unmarried couple in a committed relationship, who met on Match. com in 2018. See their picture above.

In that eNewsletter, Francesca wrote, “We happen to be ‘stranded’ in Antigua (because of Covid), with the only airport having been closed for some time.

“Antigua (a Caribbean island) is undoubtedly the best place to be stranded, but home calls us. (Burbank, California-me; Lake Arrowhead, California area-Dan).” I asked Francesca in 2020 if she’d share her and Dan’s “being stranded” experience with our Champs.

She agreed. Francesca said, “When we realized we weren’t going home in April as planned, we didn’t have to change our accommodations. We were able to pay rent on a month-to-month basis. We’ve had to stay more than an additional two months.

“Dan has a small medical billing business; he can take his work with him as long as there’s wi-fi and Internet, which I can use. It’s been an adventure here.

“For the last three years, Dan has rented a one-bedroom apartment in Antigua during the winter months. He lives in the San Bernardino Mountains and likes to get away to a warm climate, away from the snow and ice.

“Dan arrived in Antigua in mid-January, with a return ticket to LA on April 8. For the past two years, I’ve joined him for the last month of his stay. I arrived on March 4, planning a month of enjoying the island and relaxing on the beach. But then COVID-19 came along, and things changed.

“In late March, to contain the virus, the Antiguan government closed all entry points to the island, including the one and only airport. They then put into place numerous severe restrictions, the most difficult of which was a 24-hour curfew where we couldn’t leave our hotel except for trips to the grocery store. We couldn’t go to the beach. Antiguans boast that they have 365 beaches; every one of them was closed.

“It was rough going for a while. Especially hard was that we have a beautiful little beach within a 15-minute walk from our place, but we couldn’t even ‘visit’ it, let alone enjoy swimming and snorkeling. Eventually, they lifted the curfew hours; but it was in effect from 9 p.m. to 5 a.m. We were able to visit our beach and swim and snorkel as much as we wanted.

“We still had inconveniences with groceries and such. We’re in a ‘hotel,’ but it’s really an apartment complex, with 10 one-bedroom apartments, each with a full kitchen. We didn’t have too much trouble with groceries when I first arrived. The closest grocery store is about a mile away. We don’t have a car, so I used to walk there every few days to pick up a couple of things that we needed. It was a nice walk and good exercise.

“Then, it got tough. Getting groceries became a major planning event. We couldn’t walk there anymore; the only way to get to the store on foot was a 3.5-mile trek one-way. Since we didn’t have a car, we paid Mr. Hunt, the maintenance man at our hotel, to drive us to the store. We could no longer decide on the spur-of-the-moment to go pick up a few things.”

“At one point during our stay, the grocery stores were only open from 7 a.m. to noon, so we had to make sure we got there early. The first time I went to the grocery store when those hours were in effect, there was a huge line of people waiting to get into the store. They were letting in only a few at a time, and they were giving out numbers.

“Some people waited three hours to get in. I had been told there was a ‘senior line,’ so I played the senior age card and had to wait only about 10 min. “However, and I didn’t know this at the time, they had placed a limit on how long you could be in the store. About 10 minutes into my shopping trip, a burly security woman walked around the store yelling that we had only five minutes left of our 15-minute allotment. At that point, I ran around the store trying to pick up as many items as I could from our long list. What an experience!

“In 2019 when I was here, we went out to restaurants and enjoyed the island reggae, but, of course, this year’s been a different story: no restaurants or bars are open. The good news is that takeout became available, and they’re planning on reopening restaurants and bars next week. Masks and social distancing are required, of course.

“We initially thought that running out of prescription medication was going to be a problem, but it has turned out to be easier than we expected, and it’s been a real eye-opener. There’s a little pharmacy in town where luckily, we’ve been able to get most of our medications, even the prescription meds. For the most part, you don’t need prescriptions here, and the meds cost a fraction of the cost back in the States.

“Antigua seems to have the virus under control now because the restrictions have been so effective. There were only 25 confirmed cases in all and only three deaths. They confirmed recently that there is only one active case on the island. That person is currently hospitalized but will soon be released. The threat of exposure is low, but, of course, when we’re in public, we still need to wear masks and maintain social distancing.”

“If someone tests positive, they’ll be isolated. If they test negative, they will be able to go to their hotel, but they will have their temperature taken every day to ensure they aren’t symptomatic. The government is also planning on randomly re-testing those who tested negative.

“Dan and I are looking forward to getting home, but we’ll miss this island. I will particularly miss that beautiful little beach near us.”

I asked Francesca in 2020 how the extended, confined stay affected their relationship. She replied, “As with any couple living in close quarters for any length of time, we had our moments. Thankfully, this apartment is a one-bedroom. However, the relationship is stronger. The quarantine allowed us to have more adventures together in a very different place. We’ll always have those memories: swimming out to our special beach, savoring Caribbean dishes we’d never heard of, and much more. And we’ll smile.

“We hope to come back next year, but (said with a wink), maybe not for such a long time.”

“With the airport finally reopened, we flew back to Los Angeles, yesterday.

Nearly 3 years later an update on Dan and Francesca

I had been wondering how the relationship faired after being confined with each other for a couple of months. Are they still together? Dan is now 78 and Francesca is 76.

Francesca emailed an update last week, “One wonderful, joyous day last October, 39 dear friends, and family helped us celebrate our marriage. It took place in Laughlin, Nevada on a large ‘steamboat’ slowly sailing down the Colorado River, with everyone enjoying dinner, dancing, and lots of drinks!”

Wow, that’s good news for two of our Champs! Today’s story explains the two photos shown above. I love the one on the right side of their special day.

Tom Blake PublishingDana Point, CAtompblake@gmail.com
click on link below toFinding Love After 50 website
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Around the Island

Senior dating concern: Availability

Tom with Johnny Cash circa 1990

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 20, 2023
Senior Dating Availability
Are any seniors available to date? By Columnist Tom Blake

Part 1
Senior dating availability. Full time? Part-time? or No time?

Last week’s eNewsletter, “Don’t make yourself available if you’re not available,” produced interesting responses, a few of which I am sharing with you today.

Sarah emailed, “Another issue regarding availability would be a health issue. I’m thinking in terms of something like auto-immune, MS, or the like, where there are good days and bad…or for that matter, good hours followed quickly by bad hours.

“Often in a situation like this, a person might have to cancel plans at the last minute or wait until the last minute to make or confirm plans. This is something that would be necessary to speak of early on as it would take a lot of patience and understanding, but as you say, Tom, it might be very worthwhile.”

Jonie, “Most of the senior women I know are available for a part-time relationship but don’t want to take on a man full-time. The women have hobbies and friends and want quality alone time. They don’t want to give those things up, so a part-time relationship is perfect for them. Most are widows or divorcees who have learned that living single has a lot of perks.

“Hence, they want to balance that and not give it up. Plus, most of the women I know will not mingle finances. So, the question ‘Are you available to date?’ is brilliant. It allows the responder to be very honest about their status. They can say ‘Yes, on a part-time basis’ or ‘No, not right now,’ It’s a great question on a first date.

Tom’s comment: Men don’t want to mingle finances either.

Francine, Florida (Francine and I have never met in person but through email exchanges, we found we have a couple of things in common. We were both born on November 11 (different years) and she met her husband-to-be on June 23, 1998, while I met Greta on June 24, 1998, just one day apart). My Mom Fran was also born on November 11.

Francine emailed, “I love reading your senior love eNewsletters. I’ve been widowed for almost 11 years the first time, and then again when a boyfriend passed away five years ago. I date a lot now.

“Len, a friend of 12 years, has been trying to see if we can take our friendship to the next higher level. He lives in Henderson, Nevada, where I first met him. We are both from NYC. We are the same: politically, religion, values, intelligence, movies, books, and music. However, I’m very outgoing, while he is quiet.”

“He is coming out in February to see if we click together. He said after all these years that I’m still ‘under his skin.’ If it works this time, I have no problem traveling back and forth from Florida to Nevada as I loved living in Henderson (for 14 years). I still know my way around and have friends there.

“Len and I have always been on the same page in different books. I was married; he was single. I was widowed; he had a girlfriend…and so on for 12 years. He seems to get involved with the wrong women and now he wants to try the right one. I’m hopeful we have a chance this time. I’m tired of dating so many men with whom I might have chemistry but nothing else. Or things in common but no chemistry.

“I’m 76 and still very young physically, mentally, and emotionally. I want the entire package. I don’t mind part-time. Len is 72. It’s time for us! I will commute for a while if I must as I can do my work anywhere…he works part-time in Las Vegas. “I’m still writing my book …hopefully by year’s end, I can get it published. “Len canceled on me four years ago when he was involved with a ‘married woman.’ They are just friends now.”

Tom’s comment: It sounds like Francine and Len are mentally available for each other. I’m glad they are giving it a try. Of course, the long-distance availability aspect will be a bit challenging, but Francine feels she can tackle that.

Gloria, “I’m divorced 30+ yrs. I have no grief issues romantically (however, I’ve lost many loved ones to cancer) I’m healthy and fun. People wonder why I haven’t found a guy friend all these years. I would love a causal relationship for fun. Never clicked with anyone. Some men I have dated were nasty.

“I can relate to last week’s eNewsletter advice. I am not up for an all-consuming ‘relationship. I enjoy my single life – I’m a writer and a singer and a political activist. The reason I relate is that last year I met a seemingly nice guy online. He treated me to lunch. In our discussion, I felt he’d need more time than I was willing or able to give him. I told him that even though I’m not working, I have a busy life, but it would be nice to get together on weekends.

“He started to cry. He had told his mother about me. I felt awful, as I realized lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily. Not my thing. I hope he found a nice woman offering what he needed.”

Tom’s comment to Gloria: “Oh my gosh. He started to cry and told his mother about you? I haven’t pulled that maneuver yet. It reminds me of the 1950s song ‘Cry’ by Johnnie Ray, who was popular for a few years in the 1950s. I do take issue with your comment,

“I realize lots of guys are lonely and crave companionship daily.” That’s a generalization. It could apply to some women also. And it doesn’t have to be daily. I think I’m a 2.5 to three times-a-week guy for getting together but am still trying to figure that out. This senior single stuff is new to me. A buddy of mine asked me if the 2.5 to three times of meetings per week include time for intimacy. I choked on my wine.

Egad, I hadn’t thought about that and said, “Let me get back to you on that.” Wow, so much to think about under this availability umbrella. On second thought, I think I know my answer. I’m learning how single women think about availability and other issues during these early stages of venturing out there. Hopefully, the info will keep me from saying or doing Something Stupid. (a 1967 #1 song made popular by Frank and Nancy Sinatra.
Link to Something Stupid

Senior dating concern: Availability

“Are you available to date?” He asked. She answered “No”

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 13, 2023
Don’t make yourself available if you aren’t available

By Columnist Tom Blake

Champ Bruce emailed his response to last week’s Senior Part-Time Girlfriend eNewsletter. In that column, a man told his girlfriend Joyce, 74,(she’s six years older) that he wanted to see her only two times a week and occasionally three times. They had been seeing each other almost daily for four months.

Joyce was taken aback but accepted his wishes, saying, “I’m going to still see him because I’d rather be with someone kind and generous part-time than the unknown.”

Bruce wrote, “As a 60-ish single senior, I can relate to the gentlemen who informed Joyce of wanting to see her just 2-3 times per week. “Many of us still work, have grandkids with whom we are occasionally involved during the week, friends we spend time with, and duties around our homes.

“I just got out of a short-term relationship which had me ‘running a rat race’ where we both had individual homes and the other party wanted to be together almost every night of the week.

“This would work with a married couple or a couple who choose to immediately live together but can be a challenge when you choose to each have your own homes and live apart.

“Juggling time between family, friends, the girlfriend, and work can be a challenge. It’s not that we don’t want to spend time with our significant other, but restricting the relationship time you have with your family and friends because your dating partner may have significantly more free time is not balanced.

“If you are retired, and have no significant family or friends that you are involved with, then you may have a lot of free time to devote to a woman who may need that level of involvement in her relationship.

“That’s part of the matching process, finding a person you are interested in spending time with and becoming involved with, and still meshing your time with family and friends.”

Tom’s opinion on being available for senior love

As a newly single senior, Bruce’s comment got my attention. Right off the top, I think he’s right. It’s not just men who have limited time to spend with a mate. It applies to women as well. I’ve corresponded with many single newspaper and eNewsletter readers lately. Many are widows. Here’s my observation about the time availability of five of those widows, based on what they’ve said or just my impression.

One widow (of a year and a half) manages her deceased husband’s business and in her own home is caregiving for her elderly mother. She barely has time to come up for air or a walk around the block. She’s a lovely person who’s not available for a relationship. Not at this time, at least.

Another widow (of 10 years) is a go-getter business-wise. The demands of her job leave her with little spare time for anything. She said, “I’m not willing to give up my free time for a relationship at this point in my life. The little bit of free time I have I like spending by myself or with my family.” She’s also a lovely person, and not available for a relationship.

A third widow (two years) has a sports instructor’s job that requires hours of daily teaching and physical exercise, sometimes starting at 6 a.m., six to seven days a week. One day, after a long hard day of working, she emailed, “I’m worthless right now. Physically and mentally; I give my all to the kids! I’m also stubborn.” This happens to her often. Exhausted, too pooped to pop. She’s not available either, but at times I feel she wishes she were.

A fourth widow (six months), has a demanding job with a successful company where she’s an important executive, the glue that keeps her office together. She works out daily, doing Pilates, and strives to keep herself fit. She has a dog she treasures that requires walks twice daily. She rides and cares for a horse each week. I imagine the appointment calendar on her wall is filled with activities and obligations. She spends time with her family. She has amazing energy and is attractive. Time for a relationship? On a limited basis, perhaps.

A fifth widow (2 years), is always busy. She has three dogs, which require attention. She’s possibly available, but still grieving the loss of her spouse. Spending time doesn’t appear to me to be a high priority for this nice person. These widows are all attractive. Men would love being able to spend time with them. Some of the widows were married for 40 years or more. Some are in grief gridlock, which is my own term, not meant to be derogatory. I get grief gridlock; I’m in it often as well.

These widows still grieve; it might never get easier for them as time progresses. They are intelligent and take good care of themselves. They are financially responsible, and each owns her own home. They simply aren’t available for a relationship, at least that’s my observation. Or perhaps the right guy hasn’t come along.

Grief can also make getting involved in a relationship a challenge. I’ve learned in the two months since I lost Greta that grief can do strange things to one’s mind. One minute you’re cruising along feeling you are beginning to do a little better and then bam, out of the blue, a STUG (Sudden, Temporary, Uptake, of Grief) hits. It can make you cranky, cry, wacked out, sad, depressed—you name it.

You might be alone or with someone and you say something to the person that he or she might misinterpret or not comprehend, or even appreciate. Hopefully, people won’t judge you too harshly. You’re doing the best you can. A second chance might be all that is needed to enjoy that person.

If people decide to initially meet for coffee or a walk, or whatever, and there appears to be a connection between them, I think having the availability discussion early on is important so both people understand each other’s availability, and manage their relationship expectations based on it. Know yourself well and what you want.

And then there are seniors who are available but often have compatibility issues. The idiosyncrasies and baggage we all have can get in the way of senior romance as well. A friend of mine and I had a laugh that we weren’t compatible because I love mashed potatoes and she doesn’t like mashed potatoes. We’re mashed-potato-incompatible!

In preparing today’s eNewsletter, thinking about loneliness and seniors being alone who aren’t available for a relationship, the words from one of the greatest songs ever recorded and my favorite Bob Dylan song, Like A Rollin’ Stone, came to mind.

“How does it feel? How does it feel? To be on your own with no direction home, A complete unknown like a rolling stone?”

(See the link below)

Don’t forget to be kind and hug each other. But don’t make yourself available if you’re not available. Only you can judge what you want or need at this stage in your life. And when you meet someone who feels right to you, with whom you are compatible, give each other a chance. Take your time. Be patient with each other. Understand the person’s needs and priorities.

You may need to rearrange your availability priorities a bit. It just might be worth the effort. Even if you see each other only two or three times a week. If that person has a lot to offer, and you run and hide from them, they may be gobbled up by someone else, and then, a few months later, you’re sorry you didn’t keep them in your life. And remember, today’s topic applies to both men and women.

Link to Like A Rolling Stone – a six-minute+ masterpiece

My money is on the chair. Blue Lawn Chair leads to senior love

Hello, Tom

Senior love found because of a blue chair

On Life and Love after 50 eNewsletter
January 6, 2023
“My money is on the chair” By Columnist Tom Blake

“My money is on the chair”

5 words that brought love to a senior couple

Finding a compatible mate in one’s senior years is difficult. It can happen when people are willing to get out of the house, walk, be friendly, and intermingle with others. Sometimes, there’s luck involved, and often seniors feel there was a higher power at work.

These factors were the case with Char (not her true name), who recently emailed about finding her senior-love story. She lives in Dana Point, California.

Char, wrote, “In 2013, I was 69 and content with my life as a single woman. I had been walking for 20 years in Dana Point Harbor six days a week. “On my walk one day across the bridge on Dana Point Island, I saw a man flailing around trying to collapse a low, blue-colored, beach chair.

“He looked funny and flustered and I started laughing and called out to him as I approached, ‘My money is on the chair.’

“He looked at me and asked me to come and show him how it was done. No problem, but then I couldn’t collapse it either. We stood there laughing until a lady saw us from her car and mercifully showed us how to collapse the chair.

“When he and I introduced ourselves, we both used our proper names, me: Charlotte, and him: Liam. Normally I’d just say Char and he told me he uses Lee. Later we talked about why we used our proper names; neither could explain it.

“I knew on that first day that something special had just happened to me, that he was the one for me even though he lived in another country and was a recent widower. I figured: ‘Just my luck, no chance whatsoever.’

“I told four friends that afternoon that I had met the one. And, I called my sister that night and told her the same thing.

“Lee is English and was visiting his son and family for Christmas from the UK. He had lost his wife of 60 years six months before, so I knew he was dealing with that.”

Tom’s comment. I asked Char if she and Lee had arranged to meet each other again. She said no, but she sure hoped to see him again. No contact information was exchanged between them.
And this is where luck entered the scene. I asked why they didn’t exchange contact info on that first day of the meeting, or agree to meet at the blue-chair location the next day. What if one of them hadn’t come back? Or they had come at different times? This entire senior love relationship might not have happened.

I encourage senior singles to carry a contact information card, which makes it easy in case one would like to contact the other person.  Char said, “I don’t know why neither asked for contact information, but I KNEW I was going to see him again. I made sure to look fabulous the next day and there he was at the same location. I smiled upon seeing him.

“Maybe the first time we were too dazzled by what had happened and weren’t thinking straight. I used to have a printed card with my name and phone number (that was pre-email) and never once did I hand one out.

“During our second day, we talked for two hours. Lee said he was going home soon so we exchanged email addresses.

Tom’s comment: Yea! Thank goodness they at least shared email addresses so they could contact each other.

Char continued, “After he returned to England, I emailed and didn’t get any reply, I was despondent. The next week he emailed and said he had caught terrible flu on the plane going home and had been in bed for a week. We started corresponding and after about a month he said he was coming back to the USA. I was very happy about that.

“Lee didn’t say he was coming back to see me, (he’s English; they aren’t real demonstrative), he inferred it was just in general, but I later learned after we were together for a while that he didn’t want to be a burden on his daughter in the UK, he didn’t want to depend on anyone.

“I think he felt there was nothing in the UK to keep him there, other than his daughter and her family. He has a son who has a family living in Trabuco Canyon (near Dana Point) with whom he stayed when he visited.

“I surmised that he was coming back to see me because we emailed daily, and I was always telling him how much I missed him and loved him. I didn’t know how those feelings happened, but I felt them strongly and couldn’t keep them to myself. He asked how could I love him and I told him I didn’t know but I knew I did – period.

“Lee has three children, eight grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. His children had no problem when he told them about me. All they said was ‘Just be happy Dad, we want you to be happy.’ No one had any objections to us being together. I mention this because it’s important for people to know that adult children shouldn’t have a vote on whether their parent is with a certain person or not, it’s not their business.

Lee returns to the USA

“After he returned, he didn’t contact me right away. When he did, he said that he had ‘plans’ for the weekend and that he would see me ‘next week.’ I didn’t take that very well and asked when he could fit me into his appointment book. He thought I was serious and said, ‘Tuesday.’

“When I met him Tuesday, again in the harbor, I was really angry, and I let him have it. I told him that I wanted someone to love, not a pen pal, and if he wasn’t up for that to tell me now. I got up and stomped off – he came running after me and said he didn’t know what he wanted, and I told him I knew what I wanted and if we weren’t on the same page to just forget it.

“A few days later he called and acted like nothing had happened (English again) and from that day on we saw each other almost every day.

“He moved in with me within a month after his return to the States. I think he was trying to manage what the ‘kids’ would think. He arranged for me to meet his son, his son’s wife, and, his granddaughters. Everything seemed okay with them. He was critically sensitive about that it had been only eight months since his wife had died. I was sensitive to that issue too, but, regardless, I just laid it all out there, I truly loved him and told him so.

“From the time I met him to the time he moved in with me was four months. We both knew it was meant to be. It’s been nine years and we are as happy as two clams. I say to single seniors, don’t wait around, jump in and swim, you will enjoy the water.

The senior dating age difference

Char commented on their ages. “Lee was 82 at the time, 13 years older. He was reluctant at first to share that info with me. He did a week later. I couldn’t have cared less, I was totally hooked by that time. He’s a very vital man, mentally and physically, he does most of the work around the house because of my health issues (bad arthritis) and he takes a nice long walk almost daily.

“He seemed ageless, sharp as a tack, in good shape, and the best part is he made me laugh a lot and that’s the cherry on top for me; we laugh every day. His sense of humor was all that mattered.

“The blue chair started it all, had he not been struggling with it I would have walked right by and missed the love of my life.

Senior dating a higher power at work?

“Regarding the ‘higher power’ possibility, I’m generally a skeptic about stuff like that but our meeting sure was unusual: the chair, my strong feelings, and the whole thing happening so quickly. I think there was a higher power that brought us together.

“I’m laughing when I say I think another reason Lee moved here was I’m a really good cook and I cooked for him, maybe that’s what won him over. He has a huge sweet tooth and I made him my special pineapple upside-down cake, it’s a double-layered thing, and super moist.

“I hope our story will be helpful for others who might be ‘sitting on the fence.’”

Tom’s final thoughts

There are five key lessons for senior singles from today’s story:

1. When you are out and about, don’t hesitate to be assertive, as Char was when she said, “I’m betting on the chair!” That started a conversation between two strangers that led to love.

2. Singles should carry a contact information card with them in case they meet someone with whom they’d like to spend time.

3. Follow your heart. When a relationship feels right, go for it.

4. Communicate your feelings, as Char did when Lee waited a week to see her.

5. Don’t let an age difference stop you from loving someone. Char and Lee have been together for nine years.